People Are Curious As To Why Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories Went Wrong
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Learn How To Drive?
“I (19NB) have a dissociative disorder due to trauma. I’m functional on good days and can hold down a job and provide for myself. However, bad days can come on at the drop of a hat. Any trigger of past trauma can cause a dissociative episode and this can be dangerous sometimes.
One of those triggers is driving. Even being in a car can trigger me really badly but I’m getting over that part. I do not at all feel like it is safe for me to drive. As stated before I make my own money and up until last week I had a job and am looking for a new one currently.
I walk or get a ride places because where I live is in the middle of nowhere.
The problem starts recently my parents have been complaining that I don’t drive myself places and that I need to ‘grow up’ and that my trauma ‘wasn’t that bad you’re just being entitled’.
So I’m asking you, AITJ for not driving because I think it’d be dangerous?
Edit:
A lot of people are telling me to get a bike and things like that. I do have a bike and use that as primary transportation. If anyone has to drive me they get paid for it but I’m self-sufficient on transportation.
I don’t expect people to drive me places especially not for free.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Driving would be dangerous for you and others on the road and you shouldn’t put anyone in danger. Your parents are the real jerks for dismissing your health needs.
It sounds like from another comment you’re working on getting out of there. If I were you I wouldn’t waste my time trying to justify myself to people who don’t want to hear it. Keep your head down, save up your money, and try to fly under the radar as much as possible before you can leave these jerks in the dust. Plenty of people have full and fulfilling lives without ever getting behind the wheel and once you get out from under your crappy parents you can have that too.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if you’re living somewhere that doesn’t support a non-driving lifestyle without imposing on others, it may be time to start looking at moving.
It’s unfair and unkind of your parents to judge how traumatized you should or shouldn’t be.
My ex-husband is 52 years old and has never had a driver’s license. He is a successful, functional adult and lives in a city with good public transit, easy access to rideshare services, and married two women who were both willing to be his taxi driver as needed. (His lack of driving is absolutely not why we’re divorced, but his current wife is more than welcome to take over the chauffeuring.)” jadefishes
19. AITJ For Wanting To Be Alone With My Husband When He Returns Home?
“My husband (25m) will soon get home from a 7-month-long deployment. I (24F) have had such a hard time while he’s been gone because of how close my husband and I are.
We have been together since we were 16, and have gone through so much together. He truly is my best friend, and I have craved nothing more than just to spend alone time with him. The moment he gets home and I get my best friend back is a moment I have been dreaming about for 7 long months.
The part that I haven’t dreamed about is his family crashing the homecoming.
My husband and I are extremely close with his family. They are very involved in our lives, and I have consistently gone home to see them throughout his deployment because we have bonded over missing him.
The problem is that his mother in particular has made comments that she wants to be there to pick him up from the airport and wants to get the first hug. As a wife, I know I have the right to say no, but I also know that as long as he’s been away from me, he’s been away from her too.
My husband has told her flat out that we don’t want anyone at the homecoming and we want a couple of weeks to readjust to each other before seeing family. Am I the jerk for wanting to keep him to myself for a while?
Do any other spouses go through this? How do I lay down the law with his family since they have already disregarded our wishes?
Edit: Just for some clarification, my husband is on Active Duty and we are stationed in states away from where our family lives.
Our original plan was to spend a couple of weeks at our house alone that way he can do all of his in-processing once he returns home. After those two weeks, we have already planned a big coming home cookout back home with both of our families.
There will be almost 40 people that will be there since both of our immediate families are huge.
Since there are so many people wanting to come, my husband and I think it’s best to spend a couple of weeks getting used to things before he has to be around all those people.
Also, my husband and I are kids free and so intimacy is obviously a huge part of us wanting to be alone. We have been intimate for almost a decade and going 7 months without it has been torture. Like to the point that we’re casually planning on being intimate in the car for the first time because we don’t think we can make it the hour’s drive to our house from the airport.
The last thing we want is his family distracting us when the only thing we will want is to rip each other’s clothes off.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are adults and married, you get the say in how you do these things as a couple.
Since your husband and you are in agreement, everyone else needs to take a step back and get out of your way.
We had it easier as we lived away from all our family. But don’t give them the flight info, say we love you and look forward to the reunion but you need your time together first. Set the boundaries and enforce them.
That’s the only way. Be prepared for pushback and hold your ground.
Are your in-laws otherwise military affiliated? I suspect not.” Gradual_Sigh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Come up with a joint script to tell MIL. Ask for her patience and support. Let her know what to expect (He’s going to send a text to let you know he’s landed safely and video calls the next day after he’s had a chance to rest. Etc).
If possible give her something to do. (Can you please be in charge of coordinating the family bbq and making sure there’s enough food and people know what time to come? Maybe a staggered arrival time so the husband can greet smaller groups at a time at the front door and then they can move to the backyard, then he can mingle.
Think reception line for a wedding, greet, guest, go in, next guest comes. Whatever you guys think would be best.) Give her some loose requests for the visit. (Can you please make husband’s favorite childhood dinner on Monday? Tuesday we were thinking of dinner at a favorite restaurant.
Husband was looking forward to doing activity when we visit.) Put her in charge of coordinating some of those plans. It will make her feel useful, as well as give her something to look forward to. Be sure to thank her for taking on the mental load.
Have some blanket responses in place to answer questions. Keep the focus on husband, listening instead of talking. (So how was deployment? It was hard being away from everyone. I’ve been looking forward to hearing about what’s been going on with you lately.)
And come up with a discreet signal that husband can give you if he’s feeling overwhelmed, so you can help him.
There’s really no one size fits all plan. You guys know your family members and their tendencies. Make your plans around your knowledge.” Llyndreth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like he’s on the same page, otherwise I would say defer to what he wants.
If they don’t know already, give them a different homecoming date (or tell them that his orders changed, my husband’s return date changed a few times when he was coming home from deployment).
If his family shows up at your door, you don’t have to let them in.
Returning home is a HUGE culture shock and he needs time to adjust.” hashtagidontknow
18. WIBTJ If I Report My Neighbor?
“I (F23) am having a rough time with my neighbor. She (F45) moved in last year. I have lived here for three years. Up until November of last year, there were no problems. Then, she got a dog.
Now, the issue is not the dog.
I have two dogs. I adore dogs. However, the issue became a lack of respect on her end. My one dog is extremely shy around other dogs and he is anxious. I take him out and walk him where other dogs aren’t. I never ask other people not to walk their dogs.
I just find locations we can walk where other dogs aren’t. (He’s a small breed, he shakes a lot and has anxiety, and I often fear that his stress could trigger another dog to attack him or that he is capable to bite and snap back at another dog.) I expressed that, when we’re out, I am uncomfortable walking our dogs together because her dog jumps and barks at him all of the time.
I specifically stated, ‘please do not approach me or my dog when you are out with your dog. I go the opposite way and cross the parking lot when you are out to keep both of our dogs separate.’ She continued to follow me when I would try making space.
Please note, that she has actively waited until she’s heard me take my dogs out/seen me through her window and comes out with her dog. She drops the leash and lets her dog run up to mine, regardless of me saying NOT to.
I have started to completely shift my schedule to protect both of my dogs, even if it means carrying them to a separate spot to walk or driving to the other side of my development.
Since then, she’s spread rumors I don’t take my dogs out and such.
Recently, a neighbor reported to me that she’s been on my garden bed, trying to peer through my windows when I’m not home. I know she’s actively pacing and walking her dog in front of my unit (she does that when I’m home) which is public property except for the walkway to my door that she has her kid draw on.
(I don’t really care, but they’re extremely loud and set my dogs off.)
I came home from work last night to find, too, that in my assigned parking, she has a camera facing my spot. Her parking spot is on the opposite side of the unit.
I mentioned to my roommate that I might call to see if this could count as an invasion of privacy — if not, perhaps investing in my own camera to oversee the front of my unit. My roommate said I would be a jerk, I should let it go.
So, WIBTJ for reporting these things?”
Another User Comments:
“Don’t report it yet until you can PROVE it. Definitely get a camera so you can catch her in your garden. Walk your dogs in front of your place. Have your phone on – but out of sight – so that it can record any conversation.
Then have your roommate film from inside as the neighbor approaches you with your dogs. When she does tell her, ‘Please (insert name) I’ve asked you several times to not follow me with your dogs as my dog has anxiety.’ Record her response.
Do it several times, then present the evidence to your landlord. Good luck! YWNBTJ.” FunJunkieNH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – First I’d report her to your landlord while also asking them about the cameras. I would also mention to them that the camera fixed on your car is not yours and makes you uncomfortable.
Even if you don’t have proof tell them about the dog walking situation, she’s basically harassing you every time you walk your dogs and this is not okay. Start recording your interactions with her while clearly explaining the situation to her. You’re recording because you’ve asked her numerous times to give you and your dogs space and she’s aggressively refusing to do so and it makes you uncomfortable.
If it escalates, get the police involved.
Her behavior and fixation on you are weird and threatening. Do you have any idea of when this may have started? Does she act this way towards other neighbors?” Geekrock84
Another User Comments:
“Your roommate is a moron.
Or he is in on it. She has been actively harassing you and your dog. What is your roommate up to? Does she have a camera pointing at your car space? Report her immediately. I have 2 dogs too and I don’t like for other dogs to approach because mine yap and I don’t like the loudness of it so I just walk like you in the other direction.
One time this dumb guy followed me with his dog and I told him to back up. (Was having a bad day) it’s not cool to follow people who you told make you uncomfortable. You’ve allowed this to go on for too long but you can still fight back.
You deserve your daily walk to be peaceful. She is way out of line for this. It is invasive and messed up. And I don’t trust your roommate. Either they straight up don’t like you or they are in whatever is happening with the neighbor.” WoofingtonSpiff
17. WIBTJ If I Don't Tell My Parents About My Sister's Friend?
“My (14 female) sister (18) and I weren’t close at all till now. We hated each other so much cuz we snitch on each other. But lately, we are close mostly cuz I have never lived a day in my life without her and will miss her a lot when she goes somewhere apart from me next year.
We are Indians and my parents care so much about what others think. They love us a lot but nowadays my mom is ruthless. My parents fight a lot, my mom fights with my sis and sometimes even with me. I am actually the peacemaker in all this.
My sis has no friends but recently she got a friend who is a boy. Did I tell you we were Muslims?
My parents have strictly prohibited us from having any contact with boys. My dad may be okay but my mom will go insane if she finds out.
I have never talked to a boy in my life. And we go to an all-girls school. My sis had 2 relationships before but I never knew about it until my mom found out. But I know about this before my mom and if she finds out I knew before her she would actually disown me.
I am scared that if I tell my mom my sis will hate me. The boy has stopped talking to my sis so I think it’s fine now. But I am sure one of these days my mom will find out. Help me out.”
Another User Comments:
“No, you won’t be the jerk if you keep your mouth shut.
Think for a moment if you were in her situation. Do you think that if it was found out that she was talking to a boy, she would be thrilled to know it was because you told them?
Though you’ve made it clear that you’d rather save yourself than do your sister a solid. If she’s not talking to him anymore, who cares? Plus none of this will matter once she does move out.
Keep your mouth shut. If it’s revealed, you knew nothing.
Hope your sister will offer you the same grace for it.” NicoNicoMarcyMo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ or rather YWBTJ, you just said your relationship was ruined by snitching, and now you’re thinking of ‘snitching’ on her again. She’s an adult and she is allowed to have relationships with whoever she wants to.
You don’t have to lie to your parents, but you don’t have to tell them anything either.” UsedHairbrush
16. AITJ For Discouraging My Wife From Learning Chinese?
“My wife and I (30F and 34M) just had this argument and I want the internet’s opinion on if she’s setting her sights too high or not.
For the past few months, my wife has gotten really, really into Chinese tv dramas.
She started one show with a friend around Christmas but she kept going and I’d say she’s watched at least 6 or 7 decently long series since then and is showing no sign of slowing down.
I have to admit I was already annoyed with this before we had this argument – she didn’t use to be really into many shows and a lot of times she was happy to watch whatever and knit at the same time.
She said she liked feeling like she was getting stuff done. But since she watches the Chinese shows with English subtitles, she doesn’t do nearly as much knitting, so it feels like she’s abandoned a lot of her projects. For example, she usually knits my mom something for her birthday in March like a hat or a scarf, but she didn’t and I could see my mom was disappointed.
So because of this, when my wife told me yesterday that she wants to start learning Chinese so that she can watch more shows and get more immersed in that culture and stuff, I got really irritated. I told her that Chinese is an incredibly difficult language to learn and since she’s an adult, there’s no way she’ll ever become fluent.
She’d just be wasting her time without a hope of actually getting proficient in a language that she would only use in watching tv. I told her it seemed like an unrealistic goal and a waste of time and money. She called me a jerk, told me to get lost, and didn’t give any sort of counterargument.
Looking back, I think I spoke sharply but I think deep down she must also realize that it’s a stupid idea but she doesn’t want to admit it.
I should also say that my wife only speaks English, so she doesn’t even have any kind of foundation for learning a foreign language, much less one as notoriously difficult as Chinese.
AITJ for wanting her to have realistic expectations for herself?
Edit – stop crapping on my mom, of course she was disappointed. My wife has always given her something handmade on her birthday, wouldn’t you be disappointed if you suddenly stopped getting thoughtful gifts?
Also, tv watching is not a hobby, it’s a passive activity. Some of y’all seriously need a life if you consider tv watching a hobby.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife’s hobby time is for herself to spend as she chooses.
So what if she doesn’t become fluent or only ends up learning it for a few months? She’s choosing to spend her leisure time doing something she’s interested in. She wants to try something new, and learning new skills and embracing failure is a really healthy thing to do.
Why dump all over her? Because you felt the need to be sanctimonious and right? What exactly do you gain by being right here? An angry wife? Why not just let her have fun and try new things, even if she fails at them?
Your wife is mad at you because you were being a jerk, not because she is confident she’ll learn mandarin. If your wife wants to learn mandarin instead of knitting, that’s her choice. Quit trying to control her hobbies.” ADarwinAward
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I mean, aside from the fact that you were obviously being rude, you’re also just wrong.
Learning a language is in itself a hobby. I myself am a full-grown adult also learning a language. If the only reason she’s learning the language is simply because she’d enjoy it, there’s no need to even care whether or not she becomes fluent.
Think for a second about your own hobbies. The ones she chooses are as much a waste of time as yours. So unless you wanna completely give up your own, I’d suggest not speaking down to her about it again.
As for her other hobbies (knitting), she might just be burnt out on them.
It happens to most people. Maybe she’ll pick it back up, maybe she won’t. Does it really matter? Like I’m sorry your mom was disappointed, but if your wife isn’t finding knitting as interesting as she once did, she’s under no obligation to do it for anyone.
Oh, and one last thing. If it brings you joy, it’s not a waste of time. Thinking that every little thing needs to have some sort of productive value is a really poor way of looking at things, and makes me question just how much joy you get out of life yourself.” Slurav
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sure, it’s probably not likely that she would become fluent in any sort of quick timeframe and I get being wary if she wanted to spend a lot on classes, but would it really have been difficult to just say ‘that’s exciting, I hear Duolingo is a good app for beginners!’?
Learning a new language is a great way to stimulate your brain even if you don’t even up become a perfect speaker
I also don’t think it’s quite fair to say that she would NEVER become a fluent speaker just because she’s an adult.
I used to be a writing tutor at a college that had many international students, and a lot of them didn’t start learning English—which can be a pretty tricky language—until they were in their late teens or twenties, and a lot of them were either fluent with a few grammatical issues here or there or they still had a pretty strong grasp of it and didn’t have significant trouble holding a conversation.
It’s hard learning a new language but not impossible if someone puts in the time and effort.” chablismouth
15. AITJ For Talking To My Ex's Mother?
“I (45f) am currently divorced from my ex, Thomas (47m), of 30 years. We ended up seeing a lawyer to help with dividing stuff. Everything was pretty much wrapped up till he said he no longer wanted any part of our kids’ lives (5m) and (12f).
I didn’t argue with him about it since I already know what it’s like having a parent who doesn’t want you around or wants to be in your life. I asked what he wanted me to tell the kids and he just said ‘whatever you think is best I don’t care.
I don’t want to parent anymore.’ Everything was in agreement and signed with no fuss.
A few weeks later I get a call from my ex-MIL asking if we could meet each other. When I came over she broke down crying and begging to let my ex see his kids again.
I was confused about what she meant because not once did he contact me after meeting the lawyer. She went on about how my ex said: ‘he really missed them and that I was just a petty jerk for taking full custody.’ Also that he was crying for days about it.
I told her my version of events and she called it nonsense saying her son wouldn’t lie like that especially not about his kids. Then I decided to call him in front of her. He didn’t know she and I were meeting that day.
I said ‘hey (5m) has a soccer game in a few days (which he did) and I was wondering if you wanted to go? I know he’d really love it and be happy to see you.’ He instantly said ‘No. I already said I’m not doing this anymore.’ I raised my voice a bit saying ‘well what about holidays and birthdays because we never discussed any of it and your family might want to see them.’ He just said, ‘my family already thinks the kids aren’t mine anyways so it doesn’t matter.’ I asked ‘well how do you think this is going to affect Denise (his mom)?
She is over the moon about them.’ He just said, ‘She loves me more than the kids so I doubt this will be an issue for her.’ After a bit more talking we finally hung up. Ex-MIL was straight-faced and nodded at everything that just happened to say ‘mmm okay.’ She asked me to leave and said we would be in touch.
Later that day I got a call from my ex saying how it was my fault he was kicked out of his mom’s house and possibly will be taken off her will. Also, none of his family members will talk to him because of what ex-Mil heard.
He threw a lot of insults at me before I hung up and now he and his mates keep calling and texting me. My friend is saying I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place and I ruined his life.
Edit: I plan to let Denise see the kids because I know she just wants to give them the world along with the rest of his family.
Due to actions he and I took when we were younger, my Christian parents thought it would be best he and I be married at the time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He made a decision for which he knew his family would judge him negatively, so he lied and made you the scapegoat.
You didn’t go seeking out his family to tell them what he’d done, you were blindsided by the whole thing. No way were you obligated to carry that water for him. Not at all. I can’t understand how anyone would ever take his side in this.
He abandoned his children, blamed you, and now is angry that his malfeasance and subsequent lies have been found out. If I were you, I’d reach out to ex-MIL and see if she would be interested in seeing the kids and maybe having a relationship with her (unless there are toxic things about her you haven’t included).
It seems like she’d love to see them, and I’ll bet they miss their grandma as well.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He made his choice, you simply didn’t fight him. If you had a relationship 30 years long (or near) with MIL you had a personal reason, to be honest with her other than wanting to hurt him.
Block him after telling him any future communication needs to go through your lawyer. Since he doesn’t want any future involvement or responsibility in his kids’ lives he doesn’t need to continue having access to you. Let his friends know you do not want to be contacted by them and will direct any future messages to the police as harassment.
Do this via text or email so you can contact the police regarding any messages you receive after that, they will make sure anyone contacting you – through any verifiable means – who you don’t want to hear from will be held accountable.
Maybe MIL will be able to continue her relationship with her grandchildren through you?
That would have revealed the truth to her eventually seeing as she reached out even when she thought you were the jerk. This is a mess of your ex’s making, none of the responsibility falls on you for what he thought he could have.” 3tzamani
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You let your MIL hear the truth from the horse’s mouth after she said you were lying, and now he’s annoyed because he got caught out. Sounds like karma came to visit him early. As for your friend, ditch that one, you didn’t ruin his life, he did and your friend can go buddy up to him if they so choose.
When your children ask why their dad doesn’t love them, why they can’t see him. And they will ask, don’t lie to them. Don’t try to soften it by telling them that daddy loves them but he’s busy or he’s just away all the time but he does care about them.
Or some other sugar-coated version. Those types of things will come back to bite you in the butt when they find out the truth later.
Right now your children think that they did something wrong, that they caused him to not want them. They may tell you differently but they do think this even if only occasionally.
I divorced when my children were in grade school and I talked to them a lot about how it wasn’t their fault, that I and their father just couldn’t get along anymore, but they were still loved and that they didn’t do anything. And even to this day and my children are in their late 20s now they tell me they still had those thoughts.
That no matter how much I was reassuring them they still believed they couldn’t love their daddy enough to keep him. I’ve also heard that from other children of divorced parents.
It might not hurt to get a little counseling for the children to help them come to terms with your divorce and their feelings of it and their feelings of abandonment that they are definitely going to have of their father.” FortuneWhereThoutBe
14. WIBTJ For Leaving My Baby With My Partner For A Night?
“I have booked a night alone in a month’s time away from my partner (Jeff) and baby (Junior). I feel very guilty for wanting this and am not sure if I WBTJ.
Jeff and I have a 4-month-old baby Junior. Since the beginning, I have taken full responsibility for dealing with Junior during the night.
It started as he needed feeding every couple of hours and I saw no point in us both being sleep deprived. We continued this arrangement when Jeff returned to work as he needed to sleep in order to be able to work, and I am a stay-at-home mom for the foreseeable future.
Junior has taken a bottle since he was a month old and we also tried formula for the first time last week and Junior has no problem with being fed that, so we have that in order to give me a break or to take the pressure off pumping.
Jeff has said that during the week, he needs the time to decompress from work, often through video games, which I understand. However he’s started saying I should be done with my things (eating and showering) by 8 pm, so I can take Junior for the night and he has time to do his things – he finishes work at 6 pm and makes his dinner.
When I’ve asked for time for myself (beyond eating and showering), he’s said I should get up earlier, as he does for his exercise, and organize my time better.
Junior had a bad night. Recently I’d been falling asleep with him on me, which is dangerous, so to avoid it I’ve been actively staying awake and putting him in his crib (Junior is a ‘velcro baby’ – he much prefers to sleep on people, doesn’t matter who).
Because of continually putting him down and picking him up when he inevitably wakes up and cries, I had about 3 hours of sleep.
When Jeff woke up at 7 am I asked him if he would take Junior until he started work so I could have some sleep.
He said that he wanted to go running. I said that I never ask him to forgo his things and that I couldn’t manage the whole day with Junior on 3 hours. He told me that I could sleep whenever during the day, why did it have to be now?
I got angry and said that is not the case with a 4-month-old, even when he naps it tends to be when I’m walking the dog, obviously not a time I can also sleep. I was then too angry to sleep so I told him to get lost and go on his run.
After feeding Junior he and I went to sleep for another hour.
When he came back Jeff apologized for being selfish. I said I accepted his apology but I was still angry with how he dismissed me when I asked for help. In the course of the day, I decided that I want Jeff to understand how tiring the nights can be, and then get up with Junior and do it all alone without backup.
I have booked a night away, and plan to be away from 3 pm Friday until 12 pm Saturday. Jeff seemed quite surprised and worried and asked that we ‘practice’, which I agreed to.
I now feel I may have overreacted due to being tired, and feel guilty – I don’t want to leave Junior, I just want a break and some time to myself – WIBTJ for going just to teach Jeff a lesson?
Edit: I’m taking my mini break, although have yet to decide if I want to see friends or just go somewhere alone. The night after this all took place, Jeff took Junior from 4 am, so I got a good 5 hours with only 1 interruption for a feed. It made a difference, and although Jeff then went about his normal Saturday (walked the dog, cleaned the house top to bottom), he did need a couple of hours of sleep in the afternoon.
I think he’s woken up a bit to my reality. We had a lovely evening all together watching a film, with Jeff having Junior until bedtime, and this morning he took Junior again so I could have more sleep.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that he had to ask you to ‘practice’ taking care of the baby by himself just goes to show he really has no clue how much work goes into taking care of an infant.
Everybody needs time to decompress and recharge physically/mentally at some point, and you can’t be an effective parent without that.
I’m glad Jeff apologized for being selfish, but he won’t truly get what you’re putting into the care of your child until he’s experienced it.
The fact that you told him ahead of time your plan and are giving him time to practice beforehand is more than most women would do.
He’s honestly lucky you didn’t reserve the hotel room for that very night and tell him to take care of the kid once he got back from his jog.” PieAlternative2567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. He seemed pretty rotten until he came back from his run and apologized but then you described him as wanting to practice and so on. It is hard to understand how much taking care of a baby can drain you especially if you’re doing it alone.
It looks like he just doesn’t understand, but that he is not closed to the idea at all. The parent who stays at home never gets to take time off from the baby but it gives the other parent the impression of just not doing anything when in fact it IS very demanding.
Kind of like driving for a long period of time… You’re basically just sitting down doing nothing…
Before he gets the night, get him to practice by leaving him alone with the baby for an hour, then a few hours, then an evening. It’s ok for him to be afraid.
But that doesn’t mean the baby should ALWAYS be with you.” Imthatguyatthebar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner isn’t pulling his weight when it comes to your baby. You deserve a break. Honestly. This is something you both need to sit down and discuss because he sounds like he dumps his responsibilities as a father to you.
You two had this baby together. You didn’t make this child on your own. Even if he works, there are plenty of people who do both things. Just because he is a man does not give him leeway to be irresponsible. Many men are dedicated parents.
You guys should have taken turns with your child and chosen dates for when either of you needs breaks and compromised from the start. You took on way too much for his sake and now he has become selfish and expects it. Mothers do so much and you need time to yourself too.
You’re not just a mother and partner to someone, you are your own person as you were before having a child and partner.” ChimiJae123
13. AITJ For Refusing To Reschedule A Party?
“There are def small details that add to this debate but the short story is that we invited 33 people to our house, my husband’s whole family, for a pool party and first real reunion since 2020.
It will be a ton of work and a big expense but we’ve volunteered to do this with no pressure from anyone else. Of the 33 invites, 29 said yes. My husband’s brother’s family won’t be able to make it and SIL texted me that she wished we would have checked w her first before planning a party cause that day doesn’t work for them.
I said that we chose the date that benefitted us (my husband, myself, and our 5 kids) first since our summer is already filling up rapidly and that date is the most doable for us.
MIL is now currently visiting SIL and texted my husband last night asking us to switch the date of the party to X (a specific date that works for his brother’s family of 4).
My husband asks me if we were free that day instead and (this may be where I’m the jerk) I got annoyed. I already told SIL that the day we chose was the BEST for us and I don’t feel that a host has to justify WHY other weekends are not convenient.
We already have RSVPs from dozens of other people. And, in my opinion, MIL should have stayed out of it. She’s more than welcome to plan, clean, shop, prep, cook, and pay for any party that she wants to host that will accommodate my SIL’s family, but this party is ours to make the decisions about.
My husband said no and she responded that we’ll keep the original date and whoever can’t make it, can’t make it. She just wants all her grandkids together.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are the host so you decide when the event is taking place.
Also, let’s be real, there’s hardly any day that would suit everyone if you invite 33 people. Some dates are always inconvenient for someone… It’s a shame that day doesn’t work for them, but I am sure if you chose another one, then the other person would be inconvenienced. And you can continue it forever.” No-Jellyfish-1208
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And you gotta love her little guilt trio about all she wanted was her grandbabies together. If that is the case she can plan for a different date to host them.
I told my brother months ago I had tickets and a hotel booked with friends for a comedy show in a state 45 mins away.
He never told me he was planning a reception for my nephew that same day for making his first communion, but I noticed he made a weird face and looked at my SIL. I thought I was nuts but when I got my invite I realized they didn’t tell me on purpose.
I was annoyed cause at that point I hadn’t paid for the whole thing. Guess what, I am still attending the reception and meeting my friends late so that I could be there for my nephew, when I could have easily said nope I have plans and you should have told me, or acted like an entitled brat and had my mommy call my brother and ask him to pick a date that worked better for me.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not a party for her specifically. It would be different if it was her bday or something, but this is a reunion party. It sucks she can’t make it, but not everyone can when the guest list is large.
She’s behaving selfishly.” FrederickChase
12. AITJ For Not Giving Back Someone's Shirts?
“I (20f) met this girl (22f), Alex, in high school. We had some kind of romantic relationship.
I asked her I think three/four times in total over the course of two years if she wanted to be my girl and she would always tell me ‘now is not the right time’.
This was fine with me, but she wanted to continue our ongoing romantic relationship. Of course, I liked her romantically so I was okay with it.
For 3 months she ignored me. Once in a while she would respond to my ‘Hellos’ with a ‘Hi!!’, then I’d ask her how she was, and then she wouldn’t respond until I said hello again.
She later told me it was because she was depressed.
Alex eventually asked if we could go back to the way we were and I said yes. After a few months more of her not wanting to commit, I told her I wanted to start seeing someone else who was ready for a relationship and she said it was okay.
This was via text.
We stay in touch, we don’t talk a lot but we’re still friends. Sometime during this one of my friends died in an accident. We were meant to go on a boat trip we had planned and so Alex stepped in and said she could come with me instead.
I said it was fine and when the time came we actually went. On the trip, she was very flirtatious and when the trip was over she told me she wished things had gone differently between us. At this time I had a partner (she knew this) so I just told her that I wasn’t interested in having a relationship like that with her.
When she dropped me off at my old house she was pretty callous. Like the trip was supposed to bring us together or something.
Alex doesn’t talk to me again for a long period of time, but three weeks ago she messaged me. She said she’s sure left some shirts with me from the trip.
I actually do have the shirts from the trip, but I haven’t gotten back to her about them because I only went looking for them when I got the notification from her on my phone.
Throughout the duration of the last three weeks, she has been texting me nonstop about the shirts, she has gotten her mother and aunt to text me about the shirts, and she has been messaging me on all my social media every day asking for the shirts.
The first time she texted me about her stuff I genuinely did not notice the notification. The day after I noticed her aunt texted me. Why can she ignore me for months but I can’t text her back two days tops w/o her freaking out?
AITJ for not getting back to her about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Give her the stupid shirts back, BUT you need this toxic chick out of your life. She’s already showing controlling tendencies and no one needs that in a fledgling relationship. Don’t compromise your need for a real committed relationship for a passing fling.
Carnal attraction doesn’t last forever anyway. There are a lot of red flags with her.” GardeningGamerGirl
Another User Comments:
“The only thing this will achieve is keeping her in your life, she will keep trying to contact you, and your thoughts and your emotional state will focus on her over and over.
It doesn’t matter whether those thoughts and feelings are positive or negative, they will take up space in your mind and affect how present you are in your current relationship.
It’s not fair to your partner or you. Unless you do want your ex to keep trying to get back with you?
Regardless of why you are doing this, the outcome is that you’re a jerk for not returning stuff that doesn’t belong to you, and for focusing on your ex who you were pining for years while you now have a real partner who wants to be with you.
So I guess everyone sucks here.
Return her stuff and cut those strings once and for all.” could_not_care_more
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not giving her her shirts back at this point. Why are you dragging it out while she even has her mom and aunt involved at this point?
Are you trying to take revenge and make things even because she left you hanging in the past? Petty behavior.” BlondiLocks589
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She doesn’t need to get her friends and family to harass you. She is pulling some kind of stunt here, and you want nothing to do with it.
But you are a jerk for letting this fester. There are no points to be made here that matter. She ignored you before and you are going to ignore her for the rest of your lives.
So just give her the shirts back now.
If you don’t want to see any of these people, use a tracked delivery (like USPS priority mail).” pukui7
11. AITJ For Getting Emotional Over A Prank?
“I live with my mother and brother. I have three pet cats that I’m very attached to and my mom has a dog. Well, my mom has made it very clear that if the cats poop because they can’t get outside in time, they’re being malicious.
But when the dog deliberately does stuff like that to get attention she just coos at her and gives her treats. Now my cats have been my constant source of comfort, they cuddle me when I’m feeling down and look to play when I’m feeling happy.
But my mother has begun to hate the youngest cat, Salem. He is the quietest and politest little cat you could want but she hates him.
She encourages her dog to attack him and I have to keep him in my room so he won’t get hurt.
He had an accident earlier when I was at the store (getting cat food as a matter of fact). When I got a call. My mother tells me she gave him away because he pooped on the floor and she couldn’t deal with that.
Now my cats ask to go out if they need to use the bathroom so he didn’t do it to be disrespectful in any way. Besides, if you had nowhere to go and you desperately needed the bathroom you’d most likely do the same.
So I sprinted home, sobbing my eyes out just to see Salem lounging on the bench. I picked him up and gave him a lot of affection before going inside. My mom burst out laughing saying stuff like ‘you actually fell for it.’ Of course I did.
She threatened to get rid of him multiple times before. I cried even harder saying that it wasn’t fair for her to do stuff like that. She started saying that I should stop crying because she’d actually do it if I didn’t.
I called my father’s sister (who is more of a mother figure to me than anything) who wasn’t having it.
She came over and a huge argument ensued and by the end of it, my mother’s side of the family started blowing up my phone.
Saying that I was very manipulative and disrespectful for reacting the way I did. My brother and my aunt (dad’s side) are on my side. While my mother’s sisters and brothers think I should move out and have called me a jerk for this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Emotional manipulation like this is not a joke, it’s mean-spirited and if sustained it’s mistreatment. Your mother is the manipulative one, first by training the dog to attack Salem, then tricking you into thinking Salem had been hurt, admonishing you for having a normal human reaction, and then sending in the flying monkeys to back her up.
Is there any way you and Salem can stay with your aunt? She clearly shows you more respect than your mother does.
Also, cat tax. Salem is a great name for a cat and yes I have been binging a certain show.” ScorchieSong
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is a mean-spirited person. She knew before she did that how much it would hurt you, and chose to do it anyway. And her having her dog attack your cats is messed in so many ways.” AwesomeMix20
Another User Comments:
“Tell your mum that jail is her house now – she’s a psycho for doing those things to you.
NTJ – I know why your dad left your mum because she looks like a grinch. Your mum isn’t welcome in your future when you’re older trust me you do not want a woman like her in your life. If she does not support your actions and gets trash about your cats – she does not deserve you AT ALL.
GETTING HER DOG TO COME AT YOUR CATS. Yeah, nah, she needs jail time. These pranks are ACTUALLY stupid – get out of the house and live with your aunt please.” Exact-Information420
10. AITJ For Being Cold To My Mom's Partner?
“I F16 have always lived with just my mom and my twin sister.
My mom got a partner when I was 14 and when he started coming over I was taken aback by it. I have trouble talking to people so when he came over I would typically stay in my room only going downstairs when I was sure he was upstairs.
I admit I was not welcoming as I never feel comfortable around most people.
My mom and he have had a rocky relationship. There have been times when they argued outside of our house, times when they broke up and there was a time when he came at 1 in the morning stomping loudly to collect his things from my mom’s room cause they ‘broke’ up and arguing with her while I and my sister were awoken by this.
He would give me things like Kit Kats and I would say thank you.
They got engaged about three months into their relationship and he met my family. My aunt did not like him and told my mom to not bring him to family events because he ‘wasn’t family’.
In October 2021, my mom and he got into an argument. My mom answered a message from a male high school friend and he got upset. My mom returned earlier than usual.
Later, she’s telling my sister and me to get dressed. She didn’t tell us why but once we got in the car she told us someone made a threat to our lives.
She told us it was him. We have cameras outside the house so about five minutes after we left we looked and could see him in this police-like vest and he entered the house as if he knows the code. He realizes no one is home, calls our mom and we can hear him yelling at her.
She got a restraining order and we had to stay at a hotel because my mom wanted us to be safe. I was upset about this.
Fast forward two months my mom comes to us asking us how we would feel if she and he got back together.
She got the restraining order removed and they started being together again. He sent us a long paragraph about how he didn’t mean us harm. We hadn’t seen him since that day until Christmas when he came over. I was upset about this and didn’t like how she brought him back on Christmas, specifically.
I was so upset about it and didn’t go downstairs to say anything to him. My family does not agree with the fact that my mom is back together with him.
Now it’s almost everyone in my family telling her to not bring him over to anything again.
Ever since then he now comes over. She tells me that she’ll take my phone if I don’t go say hi. He has gotten me stuff since then but no matter how hard I try I can’t get over that day, being in the car with my mom and seeing her talk to the police really did something to me because the police have been over to our house numerous time (not related to this) so I was embarrassed that neighbors would have to see this, again.
My mother is getting upset with me because I still don’t do much to make an effort to talk to him. She spends most of the week over at his house thankfully which is good but he comes over here from time to time.
Even my sister is doing better with accepting him back. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even outside the traumatic incident, it’s never the kid’s responsibility to accept or be friendly with a parent’s new partner. They aren’t entitled to be hostile or disrespectful about it, but by no means should they be compelled to be friendly with them.
After what he did, it’s atrocious she has taken him back into your lives. I have so much to say, but this is gonna get removed for violent content, so I just want to reassure you that you aren’t the jerk before it does.
If you feel unsafe, talk to your family about it, maybe you can spend time at your aunt’s house on weekends to get a break from it to recharge your batteries. In the meanwhile, it’s time to start planning your exit at 18.
If it’s going far away to college, then make sure you can find a way to stay on campus during breaks; otherwise, get a job now and start saving to move out on your 18th birthday. Even if he never goes to such extreme lengths again (and that’s a big, dubious ‘if’ in my opinion), your mental health isn’t secure in this environment.
Also, it really doesn’t matter how your sister reacts to all of this. This is about you and your mental well-being; only you can determine what is acceptable and tolerable in this.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom needs to remember that her first and ONLY responsibility is to keep her children safe.
If he breaks into your home, threatens your family and she has to take out a restraining order on him – only to drop it – she’s NOT taking care of you and your sister. An abuser never changes. It only escalates from verbal to emotional to physical. Please talk to a counselor at school or a mental health clinic if you can.
You and your sister also need to put together a plan for your safety. Some money if you can, documents if you can get them from your mom, and phone numbers for mistreated women in your area. Probably a list of phone numbers from your phone in case you aren’t able to take your phone with you.
If your sister isn’t on board with this then help yourself, but make a plan! I hope you never have to use it, but make it so you’re ready just in case. Good luck.” marg0214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – trust your instincts on this, he is not safe.
You are not overreacting, you are not being unreasonable. A safe person would understand they needed to work to repair the trust they broke with you and wouldn’t try to overstep your comfort zone in order to force the relationship. (But also it’s impossible for someone to do a 2-month speed-run of all the therapy & healing he’d need in order to be a better, safer person.
It’s just not feasible or sustainable. If he’s ‘better’ now, but not being respectful of your boundaries in this situation, the change in him is temporary.)
Do what you can to keep yourself safe, and hopefully, your sister will keep herself safe too.
Would anyone in your family let you stay with them if he’s going to be around again? Does your aunt live close enough for you to at least have a place to escape to if you need it? If not, please make sure your friends know what’s happening, especially if you feel like you can trust your friends’ parents.
Your safety is more important than the feelings of your mom’s partner. No exceptions.” Ana_Rampage
9. WIBTJ If I Meddle With My Roommate's Relationship?
“I (22M) am in a rooming situation with a few other people. Two of which being a couple. The girl is super sweet but keeps to herself most of the time and really only speaks when spoken to.
The guy seemed cool at first, but lately, they’ve been arguing and I’ve heard him say some seriously messed up things to her.
From what I hear she’s always trying to avoid an argument and he creates one and picks at everything she does.
She spilled water on the floor this morning and she kinda sat there for a minute frozen and looking at him. He called her ‘stupid’ and told her ‘stop looking at me like a bimbo and clean it up.’ She did, and then said, ‘Maybe I wouldn’t freeze and look at you every time I make a mistake if you weren’t so cruel to me when I do.’
He responded ‘Oh here we go again (girl’s name) the victim. Always gotta guilt trip your way out of responsibility.’ I heard her start to cry and I wanted to say something and I hated just listening to him berate her like that, but my struggle is I don’t know if I’d be crossing boundaries by not minding my own business.
Later in the day, I saw her and she was cooking. I asked her how she was doing and she said ‘I’m doing fine, just making dinner for when (guy’s name) comes home.’ I said, ‘If I had a partner talking to me the way he talks to you I wouldn’t be doing stuff for them.’
She laughed a bit and said ‘You know, he can be really mean but I love him a lot and I still wanna make him happy. I understand why you’d say that though, it’s kinda tough on me.’
I just told her that if she needs anyone to talk to I’m here, she thanked me and I went back to my room.
This guy gets home and immediately starts complaining because she didn’t find the time to do his laundry. He starts up with the name-calling again and I hear her storm out of the house.
I’m getting real close to at least telling him I think he should ease up on her (although I also want to say some more colorful things but I always start off respectful).
I just again have no idea if I’d be a jerk for sticking my nose in their business. I don’t know, what should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t just some lover’s disagreement. This guy is verbally abusive, and if he’s not stopped, it could get worse.
Yes, she loves him. A lot of victims love their abusers, for any number of reasons. That doesn’t make it right for their abusers to treat them the way they do.
I wouldn’t approach this alone however, enlist the other roommates. And be prepared for a physical confrontation when you do step in; this guy will see this as none of your business and may attack you for intervening.
Be ready to deal with him. If nothing else, report him to the police. Standing by and letting this happen will make you as guilty as he is.” ChapSteve711
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, unless you get her approval first. I get your impulse, but if you step in and try to start a confrontation, you run the risk of making it much worse for her.
He’s verbally abusing her in front of you, it may already be worse in private.
Since you’ve already brought it up to her once, I think you should do that again and ask her more explicitly if she wants you to step in. Next time you have a moment alone with her, try this: ‘Hey, it’s still really bugging me to see (guy) yelling at you so much.
You don’t deserve that. How would you feel if I told him to cut it out at the moment?’
See what she says. If she seems afraid, back off and tell her you won’t get in their business. It’s still good for her to hear that this is messed up, even if she’s not ready to confront it yet.” sevenumbrellas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to do this but at the end of the day, you could make it more difficult for her instead. The only one with the power to end the verbal abuse is her by getting herself out of the situation rather than tolerating an awful relationship.
Sad truth is that plenty of people get caught in relationships like these because they stick to the ‘better moments’ of the relationship and a drop of the ‘good days’ ensnares them even more in these relationships because they just think they’re in a phase that’ll pass.
Step in and it might be a brief reprieve if he stops when you’re around but it’ll be harder for her in private. I’d say just work on encouraging her to leave him if the behavior is truly abusive. An abuser does not like to be called out or left by their partner.
If he knows your stance, he’ll probably work to minimize any opportunities for her to talk to you.” lobosaguila
8. AITJ For Being Afraid Of Driving?
“In the past eight months I’ve been working as a volunteer in an association, we do whitenings, moving, gardening cleaning, and so on. We live in a quite big and chaotic city and we work all over, from the city center to the most desolate suburbs as long we are well paid.
The group is mainly composed of sixteen/seventeen yo people and of some adults who drive and usually take care of others getting home.
I got my driving license six months ago and I don’t have my own car, there’s the family one which I’m not allowed to take for many hours for reasons I’m not so up to disclosing.
I’ve never driven in the city because I’m really anxious and not confident about my skills and again I don’t have my own car and neither in a quiet city. So my boss just pointed out on several occasions and in different ways how I should just drive and deal with it and how it could be much easier for everyone to have another driving adult and how silly it was of me to have a driving license and not use it.
AITJ for not being able to drive like a normal person? I’m just really really anxious about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can drive, but you just got your license. And you don’t have your own vehicle. Driving other people around, in a place where you don’t yet feel comfortable, is a recipe for disaster.
Driving is dangerous; there is no reason to not take it slowly and ramp up the difficulty with caution. You can tell your boss that you will work on becoming comfortable in the city and look forward to when you have your own car, but for right now, you aren’t comfortable doing that, which is within your right.
You sound like a good employee; there is no reason for your boss to be pressuring you. Maybe they can look for another adult that is more comfortable driving if they are so hard up for another driver. Never, let me say that again, never let someone pressure you into any driving situation you aren’t comfortable in.
Lives are at stake when you’re on the road.” strongg_potatoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He has no valid point because you don’t even have access to a car on a regular basis. You’re still a teenager and nobody expects you to have your own vehicle.
It’s none of his business whether you have a license and how you use it.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I definitely understand this. I still have my permit, and I’m still scared of driving and I’m scared of other drivers.
I also don’t have my own car but I am a college student which means eventually I’ll have to use my mom’s car. It makes everything complicated so I definitely understand that it’s not easy for you. I’m sure one day once you’re comfortable in the city and you have your own car, you could do it, but for now, if you don’t think it’s right, then don’t do it.” GhostlyJax
7. AITJ For Being Angry At My Stepdad?
“I (21f) have a 6-month-old son. For a little context, I live with my mom and stepdad due to some unfortunate circumstances between me and my baby daddy.
I also receive Food Stamps because I have little to no financial support and limited childcare options due to this. In return for living here rent-free, I buy all the groceries, which is in NO WAY an issue. They offered me a place saying they didn’t want me to pay anything so that I could get up on my feet, so I offered to fork over funds for groceries for the month as my contribution because I felt very guilty for staying and not paying anything.
They said that was fine and that that would be a big help. So thus, our agreement was made. When we grocery shop, we all go together, and we all pick out food. We each pick an item or a few items for just ourselves, and the rest is for everyone.
I’m fine with this. It makes me feel good to be able to provide in some way.
Here is the issue though. My stepdad has been getting into things that are not his. He’ll eat all his personals and then start dipping into mine.
Minor irritation, whatever. I just started hiding my personal stuff in my room. BUT… now he’s getting into my son’s stuff. And that is over the line for me. Like I mentioned before, he’s 6 months old. So no one has any business in his food.
I bought him some chocolate supplemental shakes (he LOVES them and he’s a hungry baby so it helps me out because he also still breastfeeds and eats purees so my tatas need a break sometimes) and I noticed some keep going missing. My mom doesn’t care for chocolate drinks, I don’t eat or drink anything I buy for my son, and my son can’t get into it himself yet.
So the only person it could be is my stepdad.
I called my mom today and asked her if she knew what was happening to my son’s stuff because I didn’t want to assume and then cause issues by pointing fingers and assuming it was him.
Well, she pretty much confirmed it was S (stepdad). I nicely told her that it really upset me because that’s not even adult food and I got it, especially for E (my son). That I could overlook it if it was my stuff, but this is E’s stuff.
She was irritated with me and said ‘it’s just food. I don’t see why it’s a big deal’ and I reiterated the fact that it is BABY FOOD. The container even says it’s for BABIES and last I checked, S is a 53-year-old man.
I want my son to have all the proper nutrition he can get. I do feel disrespected because I never mind buying the food, drinks, etc. And he often takes things that aren’t his and has no consideration for anyone else.
For example, I could buy 4 packs of bacon and within a few days, it’s ALL gone.
And neither myself nor my mom gets any of it. Same for ground beef. It’ll be a 3lbs roll and within 2 days he eats it all. Taking my baby’s food was way over the line for me though. I genuinely mean no disrespect towards my mom and S about this…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if he were paying for the groceries for everybody, it’s still selfish to gobble everything down before anyone else can get it. And to steal from a baby!?!? How could that possibly be ok? If you supplement with formula, I bet he won’t touch that.” Restin_in_Pizza
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have a sit down with them before this gets worse (as in you get so frustrated you blow up on them and need a new place to stay), let them know that you appreciate all the help they’re giving you but need to know that your baby’s food will be there when he needs it.
Be prepared for defensiveness and excuses, try to keep a level head, and propose compromises you work out ahead of this conversation (‘I don’t mind buying adult shakes when we go and get groceries, but please don’t use any of my son’s once those run out’).
It sounds like you’re trying to outline boundaries and they don’t feel the need to respect them (drinking baby shakes makes that clear as they’re clearly no benefit to him other than flavor), be prepared to be ignored regardless of how polite you are because at the end of the day it’s their home.
Work on gaining independence and move out when you can.” 3tzamani
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Very weird for an adult to behave like that. Nothing happens in a vacuum, so there’s gotta be something going on there. Maybe he’s trying to get you to leave, or punishing you somehow?
Maybe establishing a power dynamic? Weird regardless.” Maine04330
6. AITJ For Holding A Grudge Against My Mother?
“I (20F) live with my mum (37). I got diagnosed as autistic at twelve, one of the main facets is that I’m mentally younger than my physical age. I’m estimated at the mental age of 15, currently.
A few years ago, my great-grandfather – who I call granddad because my actual granddad is a total jerk – got diagnosed with cancer.
The issue is that I wasn’t told about this for a long time; I was the last to know, actually.
During a barbeque with my nan, one of my uncles asked how granddad’s chemotherapy was going. He wasn’t told that, for some unknown reason, I was out of the loop.
I quietly stared at my mum for a few minutes, equally shocked and admittedly angry.
When I tried talking to her about it, she blew me off, which wasn’t a surprise. My mother’s way of dealing with emotionally distressing problems is not talking about it – she’s had a tough life so I don’t exactly resent her for this.
I’m used to it.
When Granddad came down after surgery, I asked him about it. As much as I worried for him, I was curious about the procedure. As usual, granddad had a good sense of humor about it. He asked about how I felt when my mum told me about his diagnosis, and without missing a beat, I informed him that nobody told me anything.
Unfortunately, I never knew if anything came of that revelation. I suspect that granddad had a talk with mum and nan as they didn’t try keeping it a secret or hush anymore.
I’m still upset and hurt over this, though. I get annoyed with mum whenever she keeps something from me and I feel patronized.
This isn’t the only thing that she’s done that’s upset me that she won’t talk about. An example is when one of my aunts started working at a school for special needs children. I wanted to visit to meet other autistic kids and learn about their coping mechanisms – my mother said ‘It’s not a zoo’ and I’m still angry about that.
When I told her about being a*****l, she, the lesbian, told me ‘you haven’t found the right person yet’.
I want to talk to her about this because if left alone, it could grow into resentment. My mental health is already poor. Finding a way to alleviate any baggage will not only help in my endeavor to get better but make communication clearer.
I want to be in the loop and not feel like I’m somehow undeserving of information because of my mental disability.
But I worry that I’m overreacting. Having poor mental health can exacerbate problems that aren’t even there sometimes. By knowing if it’s a me-problem, I can work on it.
So, do I need to let go? Am I the jerk over still being upset about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is treating you like you are 5. Assuming your mental age is 15, you can handle pretty much anything. It can be hard for parents of typically developing kids to know when to let go, when to tell kids stuff, etc. A family therapist might be a good idea to work on communication… Because it seems like there are a ton of communication issues…
(For example – the zoo comment – if I said something like that – it would not be the intent to compare the kids to animals, in fact, it would be saying the opposite, these people are deserving of respect and we shouldn’t treat them like entertainment.
I would be angry when I made that joke, trying to defend those kids… Whereas you meant, you want to meet other kids like you, and she didn’t get your message). Now it also seems like you two struggle to communicate. You asked to meet kids like you, and she did not hear that, she heard something else.
(Side note – See if you can find autistic people in your community! If you like board games, board gaming stores often have a huge amount of neuro-diversity present!)” mammaistired
Another User Comments:
“Somewhere between NTJ and ‘Everyone Sucks Here’.
They should have told you about your grandfather’s health but I’m sure they had their reasons.
Maybe they wanted to know how things looked before telling you?
About the Special School, your mother’s right, it’s not a zoo, you can’t just drop by to see the students, there are loads of child protection issues firstly. Also if someone is in a school for people with special needs it’s quite likely they could have other issues as well as autism or be extremely ‘low functioning’ (I hate the terms high and low functioning) and an unexpected visitor could throw off their routine and distress them.
A club or support group might be better for what you’re looking for.
As someone who identifies on the Ace spectrum, I feel you on family members dismissing and erasing your identity.
I’d recommend talking to your mother, possibly with someone else there to act as a mediator, about how you feel?” Technical-Dish3261
Another User Comments:
“You? The jerk? For being upset that your mother is keeping secrets from you? Absolutely NTJ, you are completely justified.
Your family keeping secrets from you is so not cool, especially since it’s because one of your family members is dying.
And your mother is being a jerk by the sounds of things. You wanted to speak to people who have the same condition as you so you can learn their coping mechanisms. Your mother practically told you that you aren’t like them and you’re ‘fine’.
You feel that you don’t have a s****l preference, and your mother, an open lesbian, says you just haven’t found ‘the right person’. Your mother treats you as if you have no clue as to what’s going on, and that’s nonsense. You’re as mature as your mind says you are, not what she says you are.” 3nd1ess
5. AITJ For Not Having A Good Relationship With My Partner's Cousin?
“My friends and I were walking down the high street, going to the shop to grab a drink and something to eat because our bus home from school had been canceled, and the app said that the one that was coming next was at 18:20 (we were wrong – the 16:45 was the next).
We were walking and talking, making jokes with each other and I had filled them in about the cousin because I had asked them earlier in the day about whether or not I would get into trouble because she had started dead naming, insulting, misgendering, and talking trash about me when I was walking to class and she was behind me, to which I called her a jerk, and told her to get lost (for context, she has been harassing me (e.g being passive-aggressive, making exaggerated gagging noises whenever she sees me, accusing me of being unfaithful to my partner, calling me insults, to which I have only ever told her to screw off about until today once, now it’s twice) and we saw them.
The boys groaned when I pointed out that the cousin and her friends had been crossing over to the shop as well. We went into the shop, and the cousin made a comment that I didn’t quite hear, told her to shut up, and said to my friends that dealing with her felt like a waste of oxygen.
We bought our drinks and left the shop. My friends had made a joke, to which I was laughing about. The cousin and her friends had lingered outside and started making rude comments about my friends and me (e.g I’m a fat jerk, I’m an emo (which I still don’t see as an insult – emos are cool), misgendered me (using she/her and i*******f pronouns on me, and before you pull the whole you look femme card, she knows I use they/them pronouns).
We continued walking and talking, and one of the friends that the cousin was with shoved me into the cousin. I accidentally trod onto her foot but didn’t apologize (I’m assuming she got her friend to push me – I’m not apologizing for something that isn’t my fault).
I rolled my eyes, continued walking, opened my drink, and discussed types of cheese with my friends.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she sounds like a huge bully and it’s very wrong. You’re only defending yourself. Maybe you could bring this up to your partner and hopefully they could do something about it.
Because the cousin’s behavior is just completely disrespectful.” GhostlyJax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is a bully and needed to be put in her place. You have much more patience than I do because I would have said more than to screw off.” Strange_Difficulty41
4. AITJ For Telling My Mom That Taking Care Of The House Is Not My Job?
“I (19) still live with my mother (43) and brothers (4 and 10), because I’m currently going to school to become an occupational therapist and don’t make too much money. Therefore my mother thinks it’s only fair that I do chores in the flat, which I agree with.
But during the Easter holiday week, she seems to think that I should be doing more than usual, even though I told her that firstly, I’m using this week partially to learn, and secondly, I want to use my holidays to relax at least a bit.
My mother started to get angry, going on about how she’s the only one working to get money and that she still has to cook and clean up during her holidays, and that she’s basically a slave for us kids.
I told her that I’m giving her part of my money to her, so we can afford the rent, even though by law I don’t have to (I get about 350€ a month, I let her have about 100€, with the rest I pay for the school fee of 59€, which we don’t have to pay any more by next month.) I also told her that I wasn’t the one that decided to have three children and that making dinner for them, or at least for my brothers, is pretty much required. Mum stormed off and texted me about how disrespectful I was, and how she’s doing everything we ask for, that cleaning up is the least I could do.
To be clear, I don’t think that I shouldn’t do anything in the household, but I basically cleaned the kitchen the day before and I wanted to meet up with a few friends because we wanted to start talking about the presentation we have to do.
And instead of asking her partner, the father of one of my brothers, she’s constantly asking me. She doesn’t think that the work I do at school/internships is as hard as her job, so I should ‘at least’ help more at keeping the house clean.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I don’t think you’re the jerk. And it seems like your mom is taking a little bit of advantage of you (maybe not on purpose), I mean it’s not like you’re doing absolutely nothing and also leaving her without money or being disrespectful (actually it seems the contrary).
I really hope she’s not using you to take her frustration out, I mean she could ask for help from her partner instead of taking it all out on you. It’s not like a stranger is living in her house, you’re her daughter, come on.
NTJ.” alessisu
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She’s in for a rude awakening once you move out if she can’t figure out how to work with her partner to solve her issues. As an adult living in her home if she says you have to pay that’s what you do, you’re no longer entitled to her help the way your minor siblings are.
If the chores she’s piling on you are taking away from your leisure time sorting out your priorities would be a good place to start.
While you’re correct that she chose to have those kids and is therefore fully responsible for them, she also chooses to let you continue living there.
If you’re not contributing a great deal in rent, which based on your explanation is because you don’t make a lot, then it is on you to supplement that amount with something else, based on your mom’s argument she’d appreciate labor.
Clean or be prepared to move out, it’s her home, and it’s an unpleasant reality, as you’re an adult who can be asked to leave at any time.” 3tzamani
3. AITJ For Calling My Mom Fat To Prove A Point?
“So for some reason, my mom brought up the topic of my self-esteem in the car and I said it was because my family often made fun of me when I was younger. Especially on my appearance for years and I was called the ‘ugly and slow one’ in the family while my brother was called the ‘handsome’ one.
They would make really harsh criticisms of my appearance from when I was 6 to around 12 and it really affected me.
So I told my mom that she and the rest of my family really affected me and she said that they were just all joking.
Then I called her fat because I know how much she cared about her weight and asked if that hurt. And she said, ‘I’m just gonna ignore you. You’re being too sensitive and obnoxious and no I just ignore your insults.’ Then I said something like ‘I also ignore insults now but back when I was younger I didn’t know what to do and it really affected me and now I hate how I look’ and she just started talking about my bad attitude and how I’m being ridiculous and refusing to even listen.
Update: I feel like a horrible person because, before this, she brought a bunch of cookies and snacks for me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A lot of parents who injure your self-esteem or self-confidence growing up will immediately default to the ‘What, you still remember that?
God, it was just a joke, lighten up’ strategy because it makes them flustered and defensive to be held accountable for their actions. They lash out like this because deep down they know you’re right, but since it’s a mistake they know they can never fix, it’s easier on their conscience to pretend that A) it never actually happened or B) yes, maybe it did happen, but clearly, you’re at fault for taking it the wrong way.
Don’t back down now that the cat’s out of the bag. If this comes up again, calmly repeat that your self-esteem suffered from their emotional terror. If they refuse to apologize and it causes a family rift… well, so be it. Your time of taking that sort of thing lying down is over.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you didn’t say it as an insult more so to show her that it hurts when others pick on the things you’re most insecure about. Your mom is being a jerk for not even acknowledging your feelings. Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to them and to express them.
It sounds like your family was your bully growing up and the bullies couldn’t care less about taking responsibility for their actions. Your mom is straight-up gaslighting you and it’s extremely toxic unhealthy behavior. Very sorry this is happening to you. NTJ.” ajkert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were trying to have a mature conversation with someone you thought was mature, and they dismissed your feelings. Those kinds of jokes do real psychological harm, especially when they come from parents; parents are supposed to be the ones to teach you love (in a relationship and for your own person).
Appearances are not indicative of worthiness – you are so very worthy of love. I’m so sorry you were given these burdens to carry and sincerely hope you’re to a point where you are digging yourself (or at least on your way there).” Existing-Basis9385
2. AITJ For Being Upset When My Partner's Gift Got Ruined?
“So my brother’s dog (lives with me) is going through another rebellious phase (1y5m) and she chewed up the gift I had made for my partner.
Sort of my fault for not keeping it in a safer place, but she hasn’t been allowed in the room I had kept it in until today and I didn’t know (she was before, I just didn’t let her for this week), so I go to get it to give to my partner, and I came to find it chewed up and in pieces.
I was calling my partner while getting it, and he was already irritated with me for forgetting our plans we briefly discussed the day before, but I had a busy day and am normally forgetful so I tried to move past it and just go along with them until I found the gift.
I didn’t want to speak because it took a decent amount of time and I sort of got a little attached to it while making it since it was so cute (a little figurine of a duck) so I was just absorbing what happened and my partner started getting even more mad at me.
He said that I should just make another one and get over it, that it was his gift so he should be the one upset, that I wasn’t thinking logically, and that I should just abandon my emotions since it shouldn’t matter.
I hung up on him and he left in his car (he was waiting outside), but maybe I should’ve just listened.
I do admit that I’m in the wrong about forgetting our plans and making the gift breaking about myself, but I think he was too harsh about it.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re allowed to be upset when a pet destroys something, whether it’s of sentimental value, monetary value, or just plain worthless. As long as you’re not taking it out on the animal (which it sounds like you didn’t), there’s nothing saying you shouldn’t be sad and/or angry, especially when you put a bunch of time and effort into making the gift.
Forgetting plans doesn’t make you a jerk either (although it’s not a great thing to do, and if you know that you’re prone to forgetfulness you should probably get a day planner or something similar).” JenniphyrN
Another User Comments:
“I am torn here.
You aren’t the jerk for being upset the gift you made was destroyed. You are the jerk for allowing that to ruin the plans with your partner when he was already at your house to pick you up. You seem to have a lot of excuses and are overly focused on making everything about you, including being forgetful.
No jerks here.” tatersprout
1. AITJ For Making My Husband And His Son Miss A Race?
“My (28f) husband (32m) recently got my stepson (7) (we’ll call him D) a go-kart and signed him up to do amateur racing this summer. I’ve been fully supportive of this, have rearranged plans, have spent a lot to help fund the startup costs, and will attend most of the races through the season.
There are 9 weekends dedicated to this between May and October.
Recently my husband and I got into a disagreement about them going to one of the mid-season races because it falls on our son C’s first birthday. Looking at the schedule I said oh too bad you’ll have to skip race 5 and my husband looked at me like I was crazy and asked why.
I said because it falls on literally the same day as C’s birthday. My husband took issue with this and asked why he and D would have to miss the race just because it was C’s birthday. I told him we would obviously be celebrating C’s first birthday, and he argued that what did it matter if we celebrated on the day?
C is a baby and won’t remember, we can just celebrate on the Friday before no big deal. I said no because my family is going to want to come and we can’t expect them to make a three-hour trip on a work day.
My husband has been adamant that he doesn’t understand why it matters when we celebrate C’s birthday because he’s a baby and won’t remember and he just doesn’t ‘understand why people make a big deal out of babies’ birthdays that they’ll never remember anyway’.
I told him it was a big deal to me, that I wanted to get to celebrate C’s first birthday on an actual day as a family, and that I would never ask him to rearrange things for D’s birthday around something C was doing.
Today I put my foot down about the matter. I told my husband that I was already going to a race on our anniversary and attending my cousin’s wedding a few hours away alone so that he didn’t have to miss a race the same weekend as that.
He and D could skip one race for C’s birthday and the world wasn’t going to end. He’s been pouting about it and I’m not sure whether to feel bad. AITJ for making them miss the race and not just sucking it up and celebrating C’s birthday a week late?
EDIT: Info to add that celebrating the weekend before isn’t an option because my husband’s parents are on vacation and the weekend after my stepson will be on a trip with his mom. It’s also the only weekend that month that my sister would be able to travel to us.
This also isn’t about a party, we haven’t even planned a party, it’s about all of us being together for C’s first birthday. It seems like a lot of people feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but this is my first bio kid and I didn’t get the first 4 birthdays with my stepson.
It’s a major milestone I haven’t gotten to celebrate before and it hurts that my husband would rather go to a race (that D doesn’t even know is happening yet) than have all of us INCLUDING D together with both of our families for this.
Someone suggested that since the race is so far away we should just invite both of our families to a hotel or Air BnB and we can go to the races and celebrate C’s birthday. It’s a thought I hadn’t even considered and I’m looking into travel prices for that weekend now and will bring the idea up to my husband when he comes in from working on mods for D’s go-kart.”
Another User Comments:
“Am I taking crazy pills? What is so horrible about missing ONE race out of plenty?
Yes, the race matters to stepson but don’t OP’s feelings matter at all? I mean they would miss a race if anyone was to be ill or the vehicle had a malfunction right?
I totally get why you wouldn’t want to casually be alone with a one-year-old ALL WEEKEND when it’s the first birthday you celebrate as a mom and your first anniversary as a mom.
Tell your husband it’s not about the celebration or the baby remembering it, it’s about you not wanting to spend the first birthday of your son abandoned by his father and eating a piece of cake all alone.
NTJ, I totally get why you would choose this hill to die on.” demonicgoddess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is something that matters to your stepson and your husband and does not matter to your baby. You can care, but if the baby was born on a Tuesday, you would not make a fuss to pick a different day for his first birthday and it would be mid-week so you could celebrate before or after, right?
But you want this to be your way now and it’s not very reasonable or practical. Your stepson will have activities and a full life that won’t revolve around a toddler’s naps and early bedtime, so best to plan accordingly.” wildferalfun
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. They say the first birthday is for the family, not the baby. And that’s what you’re saying too – you want to celebrate with your family/in-laws and this is the only day you can make it happen. I think there’s way too much emphasis on sports/hobbies these days when those are supposed to be fun things that add to our lives instead of being our whole life.” Individual_Baby_2418
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Move it a day, move it a week, but don’t make this the hill you wanna die on. Your husband has two children; one of them will remember that day, and the other won’t. Have some empathy and love for the one that will and demonstrate to him that you love him enough to not be a jerk.” jadefishes
