People Are Curious To Know Who's In The Wrong In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Refusing To Quit My Job For A Family Vacation?
“I (21, female) just started working at a local gift shop and was eager to make a little pocket money.
My parents wanted to take a family vacation this July, but due to our store being understaffed, my boss didn’t give me the time off.
When I told my parents, my dad (55, male) was livid. He started going on and on about how he never got to take time off and demanded I quit.
I immediately told him “heck no!” and that if I quit because I didn’t get my way, that wouldn’t look good for me when I applied for jobs in the future. I told him that if I quit my job, then he wouldn’t get to complain that I’m home all day doing nothing.
He called me a selfish, spoiled brat and even went as far as threatening to go to my work and demand to speak with my boss. I feel bad because I know he works hard and he’s wanted to go on this vacation for a while now, but on the other hand, I take my job seriously, and I don’t want to quit.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO – Was the vacation scheduled before you started work? Have they already bought you tickets and hotel rooms and the like? Your dad is wrong for calling you spoiled for wanting to work and not leaving an employer in the lurch.
That said, it’s easy to explain resume issues and easy to get another entry-level job right now.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They can go without you. And by insulting you, he will not really create a mood for a vacation in harmony. You are 21, an adult.
He must accept that you are no longer a little child and that you have your own life. And talking to your boss? Does he want to ruin your life? Nobody wants an adult employee with parents who show up to throw a tantrum. Maybe you have an understanding boss who just throws him out, but this is so overstepping from your father.
For a vacation! This should be fun. But I guess for him, it is more. If you still live at home, you should think about whether moving out would be better. This name-calling, if he doesn’t get what he wants, isn’t the first time?” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“Your boss is the jerk. Any job that won’t let you take time off to spend with your family isn’t worth your time, and your father is right to be upset about that, but if he’s taking it out on you, then he’s the jerk too.
You’re still young, so your feeling of duty might be strong; however, most jobs that treat you this way only see you as irreplaceable when they need you, but will dump you at the first sign it’ll save them a penny. Maybe your dad feels this way but doesn’t know how to express it, or maybe he’s just a selfish jerk, too.” EmojiKennesy
21. AITJ For Not Immediately Congratulating My BIL And Future SIL On Their Engagement?
“My MIL, FIL, BIL, and his partner are on vacation, and everyone in the family was aware my BIL would be proposing on this trip.
We were camping yesterday with limited cell reception. On our way home today, we found out that BIL popped the question yesterday, and she said yes.
She had made a social media post about the proposal. I liked the post and planned on congratulating them in person when they returned from their trip. When I told my husband about the post, he said his brother had texted him about it, and he had told him congrats.
This afternoon, my husband received a text from my MIL that said if we wanted to maintain a good relationship with BIL/future SIL, we needed to congratulate them on their engagement ASAP, as they had not heard from us. MIL said we needed to acknowledge the engagement to make sure future SIL feels warmly welcomed to the family.
She followed up by saying it is really important to be there for each other’s important events.
My husband quickly responded that we were unavailable at camp and had just seen the post. He noted it hadn’t even been 24 hours since the proposal and that we had every intention of congratulating them.
He also told his mom that there was no push from her to ensure that our engagement was personally acknowledged and that my welcome to the family was anything but warm. He didn’t say that because we don’t want her to feel welcome—we aren’t super close, but we like future SIL!
We have had issues with his mom in the past, though—overstepping boundaries, being controlling and being manipulative. She has made many hurtful comments toward both of us.
I acknowledged the social media post and my husband replied to his brother’s text, and we had every intention of congratulating and celebrating with them further when they return home.
Despite his mother’s request, we have not sent any further congratulations messages to them. We still plan on having dinner with them when they return to congratulate them in person. Are we the jerks for wanting to congratulate the couple how/when we see fit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – give them quality time alone to celebrate the new engagement together and congratulate them in person when you get back. If anyone pushes the issue – this is what you’re doing. Having been proposed too, this is preferred! There’s nothing worse than being interrupted every 5 minutes with a phone call from a well-wisher when you really want quality time with your fiancé.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“What in the good grace of God is this crap? “This afternoon, my husband received a text from my MIL that said if we wanted to maintain a good relationship with BIL/future SIL, we needed to congratulate them on their engagement ASAP.” As if you were supposed to be watching their social media 24/7 waiting for the post so you can send an impersonal text to congratulate?
And if they can’t have a “good relationship” with you because of it, it’s probably for the best. You’re adults, you have lives, you’re allowed to congratulate someone when and how you see fit. I’d ignore MIL altogether and do what you think is best. Hopefully, they can see through her nonsense and won’t hold it against you that you wanted to give SIL a more personal and meaningful reception into the family than a text.
NTJ.” stonerd808
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. MIL is weaponizing this supposed lateness in responding. Which is asinine because your husband did text back when he regained cell reception, and you did like the post when you regained internet connection. (Besides fully intending to congratulate them in person.) What, she’s gonna say “Jump” and expect you & husband to say “How high”?
Next is MIL’s proxy war against you & husband by using BIL & SIL. Sorry, but get ready for a lot of comparing, uneven treatment, etc.” HIOP-Sartre
20. AITJ For Evicting My Daughter For Letting Her Abusive Ex Stay In My Mother's House?
“My mother no longer lives in her house by herself.
She has gone to an assisted living facility. I told my daughter (34) that she could live there rent-free to catch up on finances. There is one stipulation: her raging, abusive, disrespectful baby father is not welcome on the property. She completely agreed!
Fast forward 1.5 years, I found out a certain somebody has been spending the night at the house on 3 occasions that I am aware of.
Last night, I popped over and guessed who was there. He acted like he didn’t want to go, and I told him I would have the police come and remove him. He said, “jerk, call them.” This is not the first time this person has been disrespectful.
I guess he feels that when he gets mad, he can say whatever. I can’t stop my daughter from accepting this behavior, but I certainly don’t have to!!
Now my daughter and my 2 grandkids have to move!! I’m done with her disobedience and his disrespect!!!
This person (37) lives at home with his mother and father (not because they need him to be there!!!)….He will not “play house” in my mother’s house!!!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you can, you should get a trespassing order on the baby daddy. It’s kinda difficult because you have to call the cops and the baby daddy has to be present to sign the trespassing papers.
Either that or you can get a restraining order and just be at the house more frequently. You also have to be the owner or a representative of the property to sign the papers as well.” memestar1221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were kind to give her the chance to live rent-free and she couldn’t follow the one rule you had.
Sad that she was willing to risk making her children homeless for a man.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave your daughter a set of boundaries, and she agreed to them and then broke them. Her baby daddy openly disrespected you in front of your daughter and actually challenged you to call the police.
I guarantee that if you called his bluff, he would’ve run like a scared little boy. If your daughter wants to keep an abuser around, that is her business; if she wants to keep someone around who will blatantly be that disrespectful, that is her business, but you do not.” AbysmalPendulum
19. AITJ For Making Plans Without My Absent Roommate?
“I (20f), my friend/roommate Miranda (20f) and Julie (19f) have been friends for a few years now. Julie and I knew each other before college and became friends with Miranda during our freshman year. We hung out all the time and ended up moving in together during our sophomore year.
During our freshman year, Miranda got a long-distance partner. We started to see her a lot less when this happened because she would take all her classes online and spend time with their partner. That was fine because Julie and I still kept in touch with her.
Fast forward to sophomore year, they broke up because it was a toxic relationship. Julie and I were very supportive and tried to help her through it. Months later, she gets a new partner and starts not talking to us again. This time is worse, though, because we go weeks without hearing from her while living together.
We continuously tried to reach out and maintain the friendship, but it felt like she wasn’t putting any effort into it. I voiced this to her, and she said she was going to try and do a better job maintaining both relationships; for a few weeks, it worked. That was until she decided to spend all her time with her partner again.
Now, during this time, Julie and I started to make our own plans and do our own things, mostly together because we are really good friends, just like we are with Miranda. One day, we decided to grill out with Julie’s partner (who Miranda and I are friends with).
Miranda was out of town with her partner. When she eventually came back to grab some things from the apartment, she saw the leftovers. Something about Miranda is that she isn’t good at hiding her emotions. Both Julie and I could tell this upset her.
We want to include her in these types of things, but usually we just decide to do it on the day of, and she never lets us know if she is going to be at the apartment or not.
Another instance was when Julie, her partner, and I made plans to take a day trip to a city near campus.
Miranda showed up again without telling us she was going to be in town and was invited to join us multiple times. Again, she seemed mad about our plans and declined. This made both Julie and me upset because she was welcome to come, and we weren’t going to put our lives on hold because she wasn’t around.
I was talking about this with a different friend, and they said it was kind of rude not to have any plans that included Miranda and that it probably makes her feel left out. I understand this point of view, but we have tried making plans with her, and it has never been our intention to purposely leave her out of things.
She’s just been gone a lot. We still, and in the past, have pushed plans back, altered them, and canceled plans just so she could be a part of it. I don’t think it’s fair for Miranda to be mad at us for hanging out together without her when she is never putting in the effort to spend time with us.
So, AITJ for having plans when my friend was out of town?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When girls like your roommate decide that their partner(s) are more important than their friends, they cannot be upset or surprised that people move on with their lives.
Friendships are also relationships, and she needs to learn to cherish them just as much as romantic ones.” PrincessWaffleTO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should be taking more initiative – if you all know she isn’t in town, why would you invite her? It’s not your job to invite her for her to reject you constantly just so she can feel like someone else wants to hang out with her.
That would be feeding her ego while simultaneously forcing you guys into feeling rejected. She is obviously the busy one here. If she wants to hang out with you guys, she needs to make more time and effort to let you guys know her schedule.
Your plans shouldn’t revolve around her. Look – the balance of time with friends and time with a partner is delicate and weird to figure out. She needs to prioritize what’s important – it’s possible to have ample time with both for the most part.” Thirsty-Boiii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are not required to put your life on hold because one of your friends has a partner. If your friend wants to be included, she should make an effort. You even talked to her about her behavior, and it didn’t change.
That is on her, not you. Also, your friend is literally ditching you for her partner. What happens when she breaks up with this one and suddenly needs you guys to be her emotional support? That is not a good friend.” lostalldoubt86
18. AITJ For Yelling At People Who Ignored The Warning Sign And Tried To Feed My Aggressive Horse?
“I own two horses, Annie (26-year-old mare) and Zara (4-year-old mare), and they’re both rescued.
I keep them at a public spot, so I usually get people throwing rubbish over the fence or feeding them, so we have to litter-pick daily. Now, my younger horse, Zara, is a rescued horse from the meat man, so she’s wary of humans. She is quite aggressive sometimes, especially when food is involved. Now, we recently had a foal born (not one of our horses, but still relevant), which brought more people to see the foal trotting about with its mum and taking pictures and such.
Zara hates the foal and often tries to fight its mother for food, so we separated them. One morning, I went to the horses and saw that Zara had broken the fence and was about to kick someone because they were feeding the foal’s mother.
I quickly shouted at them to get them to stop, which made them panic and run off, but their parents kept yelling at me and kept shouting why I wasn’t letting them feed the horses. (Bear in mind there was a sign saying “AGGRESSIVE HORSES.”)
Me: “You could’ve gotten hurt! They aren’t friendly!”
Them: “Then why do you keep them here? They shouldn’t be here if they attack people.”
Me: “I don’t own the foal and the foal’s mother, so I don’t choose if they stay with my horses or not!
Now, please don’t feed them.”
(I point to the sign, which makes them storm off angrily and drive away.)
I do feel like a bit of the jerk because they probably didn’t see the sign on the gate, but at the same time, they aren’t their horses, and they could’ve gotten hurt if Zara actually landed the kick on their arm or hit their face.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You displayed signs, and if you can’t tell the signs of a frightened or aggressive horse, then God help you. Also, it’s so irritating when the public feeds horses over fences; often, they don’t know what they can and can’t feed them.
Leading to illness because they’ve fed them a toxic weed. We used electric fencing over and around our post and rail; they don’t come back to feed if they get a shock!” RushMelodic3750
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do not understand people just feeding random horses like they were seagulls or neighborhood squirrels.
I mean, I like horses. You go to a stable, you buy a bag of carrots from the stable, and you feed the carrots to the horses at the stable. You do not trespass and feed random horses without the owner’s permission.” Agitated-Armadillo13
Another User Comments:
“I read a post a few months ago about a young filly, like maybe 6 months old, that choked on a carrot some jerk gave her. I have horses, but I’m not on a public road. If I were, I would put up a double fence with hot wire on the inside to keep the horses away from people.
It’s not just them trying to feed the horses; people also throw trash, and there was a story in Equus Mag a long time ago about a pony that ate a bag with some bread in it and had to have very expensive colic surgery.
You can’t be too careful.” lockmama
17. AITJ For Flinching Away From My Mom's Unexpected Touch?
“Today at dinner, I was sitting next to my mom. She had her arm wrapped around the back of my chair.
All of a sudden, I felt a tingling feeling at the back of my neck, like someone was touching it, and I flinched away immediately.
I only like being touched when I initiate it or when I’ve been warned that someone is going to touch me, which my mom knows.
I flinch away from her touch, and she stares at me in shock as if I had betrayed her. Then she gets mad at me and yells at me for flinching away.
I tell her that I just wasn’t expecting it, and she blows up in my face, saying, “You flinched away so hard and were all like ‘ewwwww’.”
Which I never did.
I blow up in her face because I have a right to defend myself.
I try to defend myself, but she doesn’t listen. Instead, she compares me to my brothers (which she knows I hate) and says, “They like it when I run them. I don’t know why you don’t.”
I tell her that I didn’t say “ewwww,” and I tell her to stop comparing me to my brothers because she knows I hate that.
She just scoffs.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is making your relationship with touch about her, and her feelings are hurt. All you owe her is a polite, kind explanation. If you’ve done that before… more than once… then after that, her reactions and emotions on the subject have nothing to do with you.
Don’t “JADE” (justify, argue, defend, or explain) with her about it. When you do, it just makes her think it’s a subject that’s open for discussion. Please rest easily in the confidence that you’ve done nothing wrong and that you are not responsible for your mother’s emotions.” Certain-Thing5082
Another User Comments:
“What does ‘run them’ mean? Mostly NTJ – the barely touching you at the back of the neck when you’re not expecting it, I get that is ‘flinchable’….my daughter also does not like being touched ‘unaware’. If your mom cares…then if she wants to be close via touch, then can she hug you?
Give you a pat on the back? You can tell her these things, even initiate it to show her what you WILL accept, and hopefully she complies. I can see why the ‘hard flinch’ bothers her, she’s your mom and wants to be close with you…I know you can find common ground.
Show her the way.” notquiteright519
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and now you know to sit away from your mom. That is creepy that she knows you don’t like being touched and she did it to anyone. I also really dislike it when people compare me to someone else in order to try and make me feel bad.
In this case, your mom should have just apologized but nope, as jerks do, she doubled down on saying you should have just allowed her to do what she wanted regardless of your feelings. She’s a jerk.” voluntold9276
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get Rid Of My Cat For My Partner?
“My (33M) partner (30F) and I have been in a relationship for a little over 1.5 years. We don’t live together but have been talking about the future more lately. We love each other very much. Today, our conversation became directed towards my cat, whom I’ve had for 5 years and also love very much.
She did not grow up with any animals and was scared of animals from a young age because of some bad experiences, but generally was very loving and comfortable with my cat.
The gist of our conversation was that she appreciates some things about pets and cats, like the love they give, the cuteness, and the cuddling, but hates things like the smells, hair, and their being inconvenient to take care of if you want to take a trip or something.
I told her that I couldn’t get rid of him, to which she said she’s not trying to make me get rid of him.
Then I asked her to please tell me if she couldn’t see herself with me, to which she replied, “What if I can’t be with your cat?”
AITJ or am I unreasonable for not getting rid of my cat?”
Another User Comments:
“So NTJ, but this is not an AITJ situation. You are having a serious adult conversation with your partner about boundaries, compatibility, and living together. That’s really great! The outcome might be that you won’t/can’t give up your cat (a very adult decision) and she won’t/can’t live with a cat (also a respectful adult decision).
The downside is that you’re then at an impasse and likely the relationship is not going to progress further. But if you respect each other and learn from the outcome, you’ll have stronger relationships in the future and you’ll be able to find a partner who shares your core values around pet ownership.
Jeez I wish I’d had conversations and advice like this prior to my first marriage.” Interesting-Month-56
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not get rid of your cat. You are the center of your cat’s world. They depend on you and they trust you. Return that love and trust. I met my partner through Match.com.
In my profile, I stated that I had three cats and that my cats would not be going anywhere, so don’t reach out to me if you don’t like cats. My partner absolutely loves cats. We started our relationship when I had three cats. We now have nine cats, and we just took in a litter of five that we are fostering.
We are going to end up keeping the runt, putting our total at 10 cats, because he fell madly in love with this little kitty and I just know he’s never going to be able to function without her. I’m pretty sure he loves her more than he loves me!
He’s never going to admit it, but the six other cats that showed up after he came into my life are all his fault. I don’t mind, our life is infinitely richer with all of these kitties in it. We’ve already planned a cat room in the house we’re going to have built in a few years.
Find a woman who will adore your cat as much as you do. It will enrich your life and your cat’s life.” saltyvet10
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – she hasn’t asked you to get rid of the cat or made this a test in either her loyalties or yours, so I was bordering on considering you the jerk for making such a big deal over it.
But your anxiety over what this means for you and your future is totally natural, as is your attachment to your pet. If you want to live together one of you is going to have to compromise on your position here (unless you just wait until the end of the cat’s natural life); but she hasn’t demanded that you compromise and neither has she said that she couldn’t do so – so it’s premature to say that she’s the jerk either since she hasn’t even hinted at laying an ultimatum on you over this, and you’re not quite ready to take the step of moving in yet.
Though again, by assuming she eventually would make you choose (rather than choosing to overcome her own objections) and then making it clear you’d choose the cat over her, you’re definitely heading towards jerk territory there.
It’s good that you’re talking through these things in advance rather than discovering as the moving van pulls away from the house that you absolutely can’t resolve this between you, but be careful to keep your anxieties proportional to the actual situation rather than a hypothetical worst case scenario!
Trust her and keep an open mind and see where this takes you; perhaps your future doesn’t involve living together just yet. Perhaps she can put up with your pet if it means she gets to live with you. Perhaps you can agree there’d be some pet-free zones/rooms in your house to give her space if she needs it; or set out ways of keeping the smell/hair/noise/inconvenience to a minimum by you making extra effort to accommodate her – there’s thousands of possible solutions here and not all of them are “the cat goes or I do”.
Are you sure that you’re not projecting some anxiety or trust issue onto your relationship here because you’re not quite ready to take those next steps with her yet? Try not to panic – you have plenty of time to work this out, but that will be easier to do if you can contain the urge to overthink it.” redcore4
15. AITJ For Not Nagging My Daughter To Text My Ex-Husband Back On Time?
“My daughter is 12. When my ex-husband and I divorced a few years ago, we got her a phone to keep in touch with him when she was with me and vice versa. He has one Friday night–Sunday weekend per month and a month in the summer, plus half of long weekends/school breaks.
The 12-year-old has screen time limits on her phone. I then set it up to exempt the app she uses to text or video call her dad. So talking to her dad doesn’t count toward her screen time limit, and she can still use it after she’s used up her time for the day.
I’m generally a lot stricter about screen use than her dad is. When she’s with him, all time limits are turned off, and she’s allowed to watch TV as much as she wants. That’s his choice as her parent, and I accept that, while he accepts that it’s my choice to put a screen time limit on when she’s with me.
However, in practice, once she reaches her screen time limit when she’s at our house, she ends up leaving her phone on the charger for the rest of the day or putting it in her backpack and then not being able to remember where it is the next morning.
She’s never permanently lost it, but she’ll leave it in random rooms in our house, at a friend’s house, or on the car charger.
She’s not great at remembering to charge it, and I think that is partially because of the screen time limit; if she has 15 minutes of screen time left for the day, a phone battery at 50% feels like more than enough.
Personally, I think it’s a good thing that she’s not glued to her phone. I actively encourage non-phone activities like playing outside or doing something creative. But her dad gets frustrated when she doesn’t text back in a relatively timely manner.
She has ADHD, so I’m always trying to avoid constant nagging such as, “Did you remember your folder?” or “Don’t forget to pack your soccer bag,” that kind of thing.
A lot of that comes down to helping her come up with strategies and take responsibility for things, and then letting natural consequences take effect while also extending grace and support when mistakes happen. I really don’t want to be constantly nagging her to check her phone, text her dad back, or remember to call him that night.
To me, that’s her job to manage. But I do sort of understand his perspective too.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – But I think this has more to do with your daughter’s ADHD than her phone usage. People with ADHD often struggle with object permanence.
Unlike with babies, we realize something does continue to exist even when we can’t see it – but out of sight, out of mind. And it is not just objects. It is people and relationships also. It can make it hard to build strong attachments to people we don’t interact with regularly.
And if there is no need to interact, we often don’t. It also impacts our ability to keep track of tasks that need to get done. Unrestricted screen time is not going to solve this, but seeing her phone as a tool rather than a toy might help.
Calendar reminders and setting task alarms (e.g. a reminder or alarm every Thursday at 5 pm to pack her soccer bag for practice the next day) could help her keep track of things without you needing to nag. She can also set a reminder or alarm to text or call her dad each day.
If she is getting regular alarms on her phone and sees it as a tool to help her keep organized, she will likely get better at keeping track of it. If she gets in the habit of using her phone to set reminders and keep track of things, this will also help once she starts getting older and school assignments become more complex.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, I think there are things you could do to help out here. In particular, I’m thinking of a nice bedside charging station that makes the screen clearly visible when in or near the bed. It could help to develop the habit of always charging the phone in the same spot, and it could help prevent missing notifications for an excessively long time.
(Disclosure: I have ADHD myself, and I have to use this kind of tactic. The more of my life I can put on autopilot, the less I mess up, and always charging my phone exactly the same way in exactly the same place is now one of my autopilot things.)” dfjdejulio
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She has ADHD, so obviously, she’s going to forget. Avoiding nagging doesn’t mean just letting her stuff slip. That’s like the opposite of helping her manage her symptoms. The amount of time you’re letting pass is way too long. One to three hours is fine, but 24 hours?
You need to set up a routine so that she remembers to check her phone. People don’t need to be absolutely tethered to their phones, but they should still be available within reason in case of emergencies, important information, or general politeness. Maybe establish another routine, such as after dinner or something.
I have ADHD, and my social life is getting limited because I struggle to reply to friends in a timely manner. But at least I always, always pick up and respond instantly to my mom. Don’t let her get worse than me. It’s not going to stop with her dad if you don’t find a solution for her; it will only get worse.” msmurasaki
14. AITJ For Considering Reporting My Ex-MIL For Renting Out A Dilapidated House To Her Own Family?
“My ex-mother-in-law owns a house that my former spouse and I rented from her for a few years. The house is in terrible condition. The roof needs replacing so badly that the third level of the house is infested with bats. Termites have made quick work of the wooden walls.
There are many leaks, and the space is mostly unusable because it is either too gross, too dangerous, or in need of repair. Only one window actually opens. “Critters” move in very easily. There is practically no insulation and zero air conditioning, so the Midwest winters get very cold and the summers very hot.
It is not uncommon for the house to reach 90 degrees inside when it gets hot out.
My former spouse and I no longer live there; however, my ex-MIL is now renting it to her daughter, her daughter’s partner, and the six kids they have between them.
I’m not joking when I say that there is only one livable bedroom, and everyone else sleeps in the living room.
Because my nieces and nephews still live there (ranging in age from 14 to 7), I am concerned about the living situation. My ex-MIL refuses to put “more money” into the house.
My ex and I tried for a few years to renovate, but we didn’t have the funds to continue fixing this up.
I’m also concerned about retaliation if I report my ex-MIL as a slumlord, because she is still my kiddo’s grandma and I don’t want to jeopardize their relationship, nor the relationship between my ex and myself (we’re on good terms).
Would I be the jerk if I reported my ex-MIL?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you want your nieces and nephews to get a disease from rodents, die from heat exhaustion, or any other hazard? Report her! I want to add, you need to be ready to possibly temporarily support them.
Whether that is giving a place to temporarily stay, money, or other means, that is up to you.” RedGambit9
Another User Comments:
“Do it anonymously. Those kids need a better living situation. Are the mom and partner good parents? If they aren’t, maybe Child Services needs to be called too.
Obviously, ex-MIL is not a good mother or grandmother. Ex-MIL can get on a housing list and use government programs to help her family until they get back on their feet.” 10thwho
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t have enough money to fix it up; what makes you think your ex-MIL does?
It’s not super easy for a family of eight to find affordable housing. Are you saying these kids would be better off in the foster system than living with their parents in a house that is obviously in terrible shape, but that you apparently lived in with your kid(s)?” AJWordsmith
13. AITJ For Spraying The Snake Following My SIL's Pet Care Instructions?
“I live with my brother and SIL. SIL had to go to a doctor’s appointment upstate and left her pets for us to take care of. She also left instructions for how to take care of said pets.
Here are the instructions word for word on the sheet she left us:
– Litterboxes
– Feed and spray roaches, lizard, snake (no food), cat
– Cat needs water
Now, the moment she heard that I sprayed the snake, she got angry (fair enough, I wasn’t supposed to do that), but before I could apologize, she told us to “just ask questions next time.” To which I retaliated with “there were no questions to be asked,” and she’s still angry with me about it three days later.
I feel like I might be the jerk because, while I don’t want to apologize for what I think is following instructions, she’s been under a lot of stress from a few disappointments recently and having to deal with her parents, and I think she’s more angry about spraying the snake than the “asking questions.”
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Miscommunication happens all the time. You weren’t a jerk asking for more details, but I guess a seasoned pet owner would think all that care was instinctual right off the bat and that handwritten details aren’t necessary.
But why did she get angry when you sprayed her snake? Unless snakes melt when wet, I’m not sure why that’s such a huge thing, but I don’t own snakes, so maybe I just don’t know.” Freakin_Merida88
Another User Comments:
“Her instructions were garbage, but don’t pull the ‘well I was just following the instructions’ nonsense.
Just because you have instructions doesn’t mean you can’t also have questions, and anyone with a developed brain would realize that those instructions needed to be clarified. You did something incorrectly because you were unsure of what you were supposed to do, but rather than take 45 seconds to text or call, you did a half-hearted job because you couldn’t be bothered to do it right.
YTJ.” Akaiji_
Another User Comments:
“INFO. You said “Feed and spray roaches, lizard, snake (no food), cat” and also, “Now the moment she heard that I sprayed the snake she gets angry (fair enough, I wasn’t supposed to do that)”. I read the instructions as spray and feed every animal, but your comment seems like you knew you weren’t supposed to spray the snake (the fair enough one).
So what is it? Did you misread the instructions and think you were supposed to spray it, or did you know you weren’t supposed to and did it anyway? I would understand getting mixed up with what animal to spray, the instructions were not clear (one could argue that, according to what was written, even the cat should have been sprayed and fed).
And considering there was a list of animals to be fed and sprayed and the snake had a comment of (no food), then it was mentioned there because it should be sprayed. But in that case, there were questions to be asked (contrary to what you said), because just by reading “cat” you knew those instructions were poorly written.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
12. AITJ For Telling My Mother To Back Off From My Parenting?
“I (27F) have one child and am currently pregnant with baby number 2. I have been staying with my mother and stepfather due to work being done on my flat – the landlord issued the work.
Now, we don’t have the best relationship anyway. My mother abandoned me when I was 6, and I was raised by my dad. We reconnected when I was 18, and I’ve tried making it work.
The issue is that they seem to think they know how to raise kids when both of them abandoned their kids when they had their affairs.
I don’t care; I’m over it, but when I’m trying to raise my toddler, they keep interfering, saying that I’m parenting wrong despite the fact that I know what I’m doing.
Last night, my mother and I got into an argument where she called me a pathetic excuse for a parent, so I snapped back to tell her some home truths about how she would know what parenting is when she abandoned my sibling and me just to go with different blokes.
I reminded her that my toddler is my child and I will raise them as I see fit, and she needs to back the heck off.
Apparently, what I said was wrong, and she called me pathetic (again), and my stepfather is telling me I should apologize for my comments, but I think I’m right, as she knows nothing about parenting and yet tries to take over when I’m parenting my child.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, but really, you need to get yourself and your child out of this environment. I’m sure you are a great parent, but your parents undermining and criticising you is going to affect your child. They learn so much at this age, especially what normal human relationships/interactions look like.
Being in this toxic environment isn’t good for either your toddler or yourself. I sincerely hope you will be able to leave soon.” Signal-Television510
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, since they clearly are not aware of what the limits of their authority are, you might need to find a different spot.
You are the parent, and as long as your education and raising fall within the area of good parenthood, meaning a healthy well-rounded kid, they have no rights to say anything.” Express-Beach-8020
Another User Comments:
“I always respond to situations like this with pity. I pity this person for being so ignorant that they don’t know how ignorant they are.
If she keeps pestering, say that to her face, ‘I feel so bad for you that you’re so up your own butt that you have no idea what you’re talking about. You wanna call me pathetic, but pathetic is someone who can’t handle being a parent and runs off.’ NTJ.” UnqualifiedIT
11. AITJ For Not Allowing My Mom To Smoke While Babysitting?
“I told my mom that she cannot actively smoke while babysitting. She got upset and said that I was giving her an ultimatum and she doesn’t do ultimatums so she isn’t going to babysit.
I always travel the hour and a half to stay with her and my other family for the holidays and for the random times they come into town so they can spend time with them, so it isn’t an issue until now because I have work.
My brother and grandma agreed with my mom. I’d rather not take any chances, and I actually don’t smoke so I’m not being a hypocrite. Any time I drink, my husband is there, and he is sober.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So I’m a smoker and I wouldn’t want someone babysitting if they were that stoned. It’s still technically secondhand smoke so I don’t want to get it on the kids, etc. If seeing her grandkids is important, then she can go without a smoke for a few hours.
And I see it as the same as drinking; you don’t do it if you are responsible for someone else, especially a minor who is, well, a minor! I agree. It’s not an ultimatum, either. She can not smoke for a few hours; no big deal. You didn’t say forever, just a few hours.” Alyssa_Hargreaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So when I was watching three or more kids at a time and struggling with a severe CPTSD episode, I would sit them down for a show and duck into another room to take a few hits. I did this because I was watching rambunctious children who loved to be loud and have fun.
But this could and would trigger my CPTSD, making me irritable and not very fun or affectionate as a caregiver. Smoking would pretty much eliminate that. I’d get a touch intoxicated, then go play games or do art time with the kids. But the parents knew I was smoking, they knew why, and they’d seen me stoned with the kiddos and saw for themselves the difference it made in my mood.
So it was a non-issue. NOTE THAT I WAS NEVER SMOKING in the same room as an infant! I think I avoided smoking at all on the days we had an infant. That’s just unheard of. What the heck? No, you cannot smoke in the same room as kids.
Especially an infant! Holy crap, their frail little systems are not nearly strong enough to filter that crap. Anywho, I had the parents’ blessings because I earned their trust. Your mom doesn’t have your blessing. And frankly, that’s all that really matters here.” pinkhazy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who comes from a family of avid smokers (and I was one for many years before I had my daughter), I’d refuse to have someone babysit my baby high. Do that in your free time; don’t bring it around my baby. Make sure you’re sober before you come over, it’s easy and simple.
They just hold substances more important than your child, and I’d refuse to let them come around at all until they decide what’s more important.” dragonfier4
10. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Mom For Constantly Whispering Instructions To Me In Public?
“I (M25) love my mom (56) a lot, and she is a very sweet lady who showers me with love, sometimes too much.
But there has been a pet peeve I have with her, which is that she always whispers instructions in my ear whenever we are in public, such as at family or social gatherings, regarding things I should do.
The thing is, I already do them and know how to do them, and even though she thinks she is being discreet, it is obvious that you can see her move visibly toward my ear and whisper to me, telling me what to do.
What are the instructions?
“Say hi to X and X.”
“Smile at everyone.”
“Open your eyes wider.” (for pictures)
“Make conversation.”
“Make sure to eat your food.”
“Make sure you greet everyone.”
The thing is, I ALREADY DO THESE THINGS, AUTOMATICALLY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
I AM A 25-YEAR-OLD MAN. STOP TELLING ME TO DO THINGS I HAVE ALREADY LEARNED TO DO AS PART OF ETIQUETTE. AND THINKING YOU ARE BEING DISCREET, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU.
I told her to stop, and she said she would, but then she laughs and finds it silly.
I recently exploded at her about it because I have been getting so annoyed by it, and she won’t stop. Imagine having your own mom come up to your ear and whisper to you an instruction for something YOU ALREADY DID OR WILL DO, even though you are 25—like what the heck?!
I’m not a freaking idiot; I already know to freaking say hello to people and smile for the camera. Stop doing that—it makes me look like some idiot who can’t do crap until someone tells him. AITJ for exploding at her and basically arguing with her to stop bringing the mood down?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s infuriating. My youngest sister does this to me all the time! I’m in my 50s. It suggests that your mother thinks you’re incompetent. I would address it before an event; tell her that you’re walking away from her the first minute she does it.
Ask her if she’s worried about you not knowing how to behave in public—does she feel insecure about her parenting of you? Otherwise, whisper back ‘I’m 25’ every time she whispers an instruction.” NiobeTonks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a mom of someone close to your age, and this is what I think you might find effective for getting your mom to change: When she does that, say in a very loud voice, ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY, MOM?
I COULDN’T HEAR YOU.’ ‘YOU THINK I NEED TO SMILE AT EVERYONE? WAS I NOT ALREADY SMILING?’ HOLD ON (photographer). MY MOM THINKS I NEED TO OPEN MY EYES WIDER.’ ‘EXCUSE ME (person you were talking to). MY MOM THINKS I NEED TO MAKE CONVERSATION.
APPARENTLY, THAT ISN’T WHAT I WAS DOING WITH YOU JUST NOW.’
I don’t know if your mom just thinks she raised a non-functioning human, if she doesn’t know what her purpose in life is, if she isn’t improving upon her creation (of you), or if she just can’t believe her little boy is an actual adult.
All of us parents slip up on this from time to time, and we appreciate being mildly corrected and forgiven. But even I’m wincing and chafing at the thought of those myriad unnecessary corrections from your mom. You’ve tried asking politely. You’ve tried explaining to her how it bothers you.
She’s just not actually taking in anything you’ve said. So the only thing that will motivate her to change is for her habit to become embarrassing to HER. Granted, you might feel a little embarrassed saying things out loud, but I’m pretty confident it wouldn’t take too many times of your mom being embarrassed for her to start thinking twice before she falls back into that habit.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Once upon a time, your mom was a person with her own dreams and ideas. Then, she became a parent, and for the last few decades, that is all she has allowed herself to be. Now you’re all grown up, and you don’t need her to be a parent anymore.
The trouble is that she’s forgotten what her life was like. She needs to focus on herself and remember who she is as a person again. She’s having a hard time switching gears. Your twenties are full of changes in relationships as you grow into the adult you were meant to be.
Friends will be at different stages of life. Families grow apart and come together as marriages and children show up. You might have to step back temporarily in order for your mom to have room to grow on her own. And as much as she needs practice following your boundaries, you need practice defining, communicating, and enforcing those boundaries.
Parents are so difficult to raise at this age. If you find yourself struggling, remember that most things in life can be solved with a bottle and a nap. What’s in your bottle is up to you.” PomegranateReal3620
9. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend That Her Husband Is Psychologically Abusing Her?
“I (36F) told my best friend, let’s call her Mary (35F), that her husband (40M) is psychologically abusing her.
Mary and I have been friends since we were around 21. She has always been there for me through everything—bad exes, marriages, and babies. I used to turn to her when my exes were emotionally and psychologically abusive.
Fast forward a bit—Mary got married to her first husband right after I met my current husband. Long story short, she ended up divorcing him because he was unfaithful to her twice. I supported her as much as I could, living out of state.
She visited me right after discovering the second affair, and we burned some of his things to help her move forward. I was there for her emotionally through it all.
Fast forward again, and Mary moved from our home state and started meeting people online to find “the one.” I believe she felt her biological clock ticking and didn’t want to waste time finding her next husband to have children with.
She rushed into a relationship with a guy who seemed decent. Now, about two years later, it turns out he hid the fact that he smoked substances from her until after they got married. She had clearly communicated her conditions and requirements for her next husband, and no smoking or doing substances was one of them.
He chose to withhold that information until after they were married.
Now, Mary is about eight months pregnant and starting to feel uncomfortable with her changing body and growing baby. She works full-time, has farm animals, and does most of the housework and cooking herself.
She is exhausted most of the time and still gives so much of herself. She told me the other day that she is trying to meet her husband’s bedroom needs but just doesn’t have the energy she used to.
I said, “Forget his needs. You need to take care of yourself and do what makes you feel comfortable.”
She replied, “I did tell him this. Then he gets mad at me and won’t talk to me.”
I said, “Babe, that sounds like abuse.”
She responded, “No, it just sounds like a toddler throwing a fit and not getting his way.”
Having been through abuse myself and going to therapy to work through it, I can recognize the signs.
I decided to look things up online and found an article that backed up what I was thinking and feeling. I also recently watched “It Ends With Us,” and wow, it really opened my eyes to how victims often make excuses for the abusers they love.
I told Mary after her first divorce that I wouldn’t hold back my feelings and observations. I would always tell her the truth. Unfortunately, this is all happening now that she is pregnant, and I’m worried it will escalate. Thankfully, she has family in the same state, so she isn’t isolated.
Am I the jerk for telling my best friend that her husband is psychologically abusing her?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! Firstly, not every bad behaviour is abuse. What you describe are some red flags, for sure, but not clearly abuse in every case. Secondly, you are overstepping by not respecting your friend’s POV in this.
She clearly told you that while she isn’t happy with some of his behaviour, she doesn’t view it as abusive. She didn’t find excuses for him, at least not in your post; she just has a different framing while clearly stating what the issues are.
Thirdly, let’s say for argument’s sake that he really is abusive; what you are doing wouldn’t be helpful at all because all you do is alienate her and her relationship, which makes you unsafe to share things with. And lastly, please, girl, don’t take advice from a movie like “It Ends With Us” or any piece of popular media!
It’s nice if it makes you think and helps you form empathy, but it’s entertainment, not schooling or real-life experience with these matters!” let_me_know_22
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, for being too opinionated. Mind you, I have no issue with you backing up your friend and telling her she doesn’t need to placate her husband’s every need. Nevertheless, unless you show me the psychology/medicine degree that qualifies you to determine when something is abuse and when it is not, I honestly think you are simply projecting your issues here.
And you should be very careful how you tell another person what ‘psychological abuse’ is (he throws a toddler tantrum because he wants intimacy is exactly what I thought).” Interesting_Bug_8878
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wording could use some help, though. I have been a victim of emotional/psychological abuse from an ex and also work in social work with victims of DV/abuse.
What I’ve learned is that if you tell the victim, “partner is abusing you,” they will automatically defend the abuser. You’ll hear things like “he didn’t mean to,” “it’s just a misunderstanding,” or “I shouldn’t have made him angry” … so many things because of “love.” However, if you say “you don’t deserve to be treated that way” or “you deserve respect and to be treated well,” it helps take away the need to defend and helps them hear good things.
It helps bring their self-worth back up. Telling them that they’re a good person, worthy of love and respect, is important. Being supportive is important. Try not to focus on what he is doing wrong, but focus on why she deserves good.” SecretWorking5904
8. AITJ For Telling My Friends They're Picking The Wrong Donor?
“My (30F) friends (32F & 32F) are having their fourth baby. Let’s call them Allison and Jenna.
They have three daughters already (10, 7, 5) that were birthed by Allison when she was married to her now ex-husband. They decided they wanted to have a fourth because Jenna would like to have another baby and carry the baby.
They chose to use a sperm donor through a fertility clinic.
It’s one of those situations where you flip through a book and pick out the donor based on your chosen criteria, like height, hair color, hobbies, etc. The sperm donor they chose is a black man. Allison, Jenna and all three of their daughters are fully white.
I told them that they had made a mistake choosing that particular donor and should have chosen a white donor. I told them I feel as though they are doing a disservice to their future child. They will look different than all of their siblings, grow up completely away from any sort of black culture and have no black relatives.
They told me I was being racist and that mixed babies are cute. My issue isn’t with mixed babies; my issue is that two white women chose to have a mixed baby knowing what obstacles she will face and that neither of them will ever be able to relate to her.
Yes, I know they face discrimination as lesbians, but I don’t think that’s the same as what black people deal with. AITJ for telling her she should’ve chosen a different sperm donor?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if they only chose the donor so they could have a mixed-race baby.
I’m mixed black and white. This is freaking terrible. My black parent was very hands-off in my cultural raising because they have their own trauma around their race, and so it took me a long time to really realize that I was black, even though I was experiencing a lot of racism in my majority white schools, communities, etc. I thought I was white, hated that I didn’t look like my white parent or friends, never had any black role models to support me and be there for me to help me cope with the racism.
It was not good, and it’s still taking me a lot of time to accept myself for who I am as a mixed person and understand how to express my cultural identity and feel like a valid member of my ethnic community. Some of the racism I faced was from racist white women who thought that mixed babies are so cute (only cute if they have certain features, and don’t look too black, of course.
White women would tell me to my face as a child which of my mixed features they liked and which ones they didn’t, and they thought they were complimenting me by saying so.) It’s disgusting and reeks of eugenics. It harms mixed-race people. They’re screwed up for that if that was their only motivation for picking that donor, and I feel terrible for their kid and the struggles they’re going to go through.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Oh my great lord, everyone calling you a jerk is not thinking of anything but the parents. They wanted this child because, as they say, mixed babies are cute. It’s problematic, and talk to literally any adoptee or mixed person with a white mom, etc., etc., etc., and it’s detrimental to who they become!
I’m a mixed person. My mom thought mixed babies were cute. Until the baby’s hair is too “nappy”, they didn’t get funny-colored eyes, the skin is too dark, the skin is too light, and on and on and on. This is a bad idea, and then the fact that they have no plans on raising it in black culture, too?
They don’t care about their child; they’re thinking of it like a designer purse and not a person. Please tell them to watch that Colin Kaepernick thing on Netflix for a glimpse into what they’re buying for a child. This is a selfish choice, and I can tell only white folks responded to you.” AttentionSouth4598
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is unfair to purposely choose to bring a child into a world in which they will lack a connection to part of their identity growing up. It is one thing to adopt a child of color in need of a home and family (although this has become controversial) but choosing to create a child who will look different from their siblings and parents and will face different obstacles because of that, which neither parent will ever be able to comprehend, just seems so incredibly selfish and short-sighted. Choosing to create them and then raise them absent of part of their cultural identity is a bizarre choice, and I think it’s rooted in selfishness.
I’m a white lesbian. If my partner were a black woman, I would absolutely use a black donor; the child could more closely resemble both parents and would have that lifelong parental connection to an important part of their identity. Doing so with a white woman would seem illogical and unfair to the child.
A white couple is going to be limited in their ability to parent a child of color. They haven’t thought this through or researched this. They haven’t listened to the many people who have spoken out about these issues. They are purposely choosing a more difficult path for their child because the child will be cute.
What kind of parent makes such a choice for their child?” Adorable_Anxiety_164
7. AITJ For Wanting To Exclude One Problematic Cousin From My Wedding?
“I’m getting married next year and really want to invite 4/5 of my adorable little cousins (ages 6-14). However, there is one Bad Apple (M, 9) who is the WORST, and I absolutely can’t have him at my wedding. I know he’s just a kid, but he’s obsessed with attention and needs to be the center of it at all times.
He says horrible racist things and is just so loud and embarrassing and will not stop. The parents are invited to the wedding, and they are aware of the problem with their child, but nothing changes, and he manages to get even more obnoxious every time I see him.
I’m considering not inviting any of my little cousins to the wedding so that I can “fairly” exclude the Bad Apple. However, I really want those 4 other cousins to be there! Is there a way I can keep the Bad Apple away while still inviting the other kids?
Or will I have to have a “child-free’ wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“”Listen, I know you are aware of the problems with Bad Apple’s behavior, so I don’t think this will be a surprise, but I wanted to give you a heads up that he is not invited to my wedding.
Since the other cousins in the family are being invited, you may need time to prepare him. And if he has questions, I’m willing to try to explain to him — in an age-appropriate way of course — why his behavior would need to change before he can expect to receive invitations like this.
I also realize that this may result in you not coming, and while that would be disappointing for me, I understand that you have to do what you need to as his parents.” NTJ. The reason that people try to use rules like “child-free” is to avoid the appearance of unfairness and hurt feelings in picking and choosing which kids get to come.
But in this case, the parents already know that their child has a behavior problem, so if they are reasonable, then they should understand that it is not unfair for him to be excluded. (Of course, if they were reasonable, then they would be constantly apologizing for his behavior and regularly removing him from situations when his behavior exceeds certain boundaries… Since you don’t describe that, I have my serious doubts about how reasonable they are.)” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but sometimes there isn’t an answer that solves all your problems, so I think you have to pick a scenario and accept the consequences. 1. Invite no children – no Bad Apple, but you lose out on the other kids you do like being there.
2. Invite all the kids and hope Bad Apple is parented. You could speak to his parents about controlling him, and employ another guest to help if it gets out of hand. 3. Invite all the kids just to be part of the wedding, so everyone is included but there is less Bad Apple time.
4. Tell the parents the truth – other kids are invited, and their child is not. They are aware of the problem, so you just give it to them straight: Bad Apple is not invited to the wedding. I know you are trying with him, and I love him dearly, but I don’t want interruptions and I certainly don’t want other guests to be uncomfortable, and so while other kids will be there, Bad Apple is not invited. I also hope this gives you a break so you can just enjoy the wedding, and I really want you there, and I realize this isn’t an easy thing to hear, and I’m sorry.
Yes, the parents could lose their crap, but if you deliver it that way, you are overcompensating that this really is their problem and being as graceful as possible. If I were you, I would go with the last option, and I’d enlist a few sympathetic family/friends of those people to help cushion the blow/fallout.
Like if they start calling people and trying to rally people against you, have some people at the ready to defend you and who have already heard your side. Then just ignore any drama that comes your way and enjoy your wedding.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ simply because this whole thing can be solved by not inviting the parents. Where do you think he’s learning these racist comments? The trashman? His 7-year-old buddy from next door? If he keeps saying these things, it’s because he is not punished for his words and behaviors, which means the parents don’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing or saying.
This is all going to blow up in your face anyway, so might as well aim high by not inviting the parents plus Bad Apple and then settle for just not him.” TheRealEleanor
6. AITJ For Choosing My Baby's First Christmas Over My Best Friend's Wedding?
“‘Louise’ (25f) and I (25f) have been friends for nearly 20 years. We have drifted apart a few times, like when we went to different universities, but have been pretty consistently best friends for as long as I can remember.
Louise has always dreamed about having a Christmas wedding. She’s always been quite a romantic and pictured a snowy wedding with pictures by a Christmas tree.
She got engaged last Christmas and immediately started planning her Christmas wedding. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I was so excited; however, she then set a date for Christmas Day.
Literally, the 25th of December. I knew she wanted a Christmas wedding, but I didn’t think it would be on actual Christmas Day! To be honest, I didn’t even know you could get married on Christmas Day.
Anyway, I explained that this might be a problem not just for me but for a lot of people.
Christmas is such a family day and it seems an odd day to have a wedding. Since she’s my best friend, under different circumstances, I probably would go; however, I had a daughter this year, and it will be her first Christmas, and I just can’t imagine not being able to celebrate it because we’ll be at the wedding.
I want to make memories and as other parents will know, your baby’s first Christmas is a big deal! The wedding is also in Edinburgh (we live in London), so it’s not even like I could attend part of the wedding and then head home for our traditions (Louise lives in London too, but wanted her wedding in Edinburgh because it’s more “magical” and “romantic”).
After a lot of thought, I told Louise that I would not be able to come but would love to celebrate with her on another occasion. She was furious and said I was being really selfish and that this is going to be her special day.
She said I’d have every other Christmas to celebrate with my daughter, but she’d only be getting married once (hopefully…). She got even more upset when several other guests RSVP’ed saying they wouldn’t attend.
I feel so guilty and want to support Louise, but I just can’t have my daughter’s first Christmas be spent at a wedding.
So, AITJ? Am I being as selfish as Louise says? I really don’t know anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is being unreasonable! Holidays such as Christmas are very important to people and their families. Baby’s 1st Christmas is absolutely more important than a bff’s wedding.
Your friend said some really selfish things, and that shouldn’t go unnoticed. Because you have just brought a new bundle of joy into your world, it’s time to set major boundaries! With everyone really… Life changes after having children. OP, do not feel bad for not attending the wedding.
You spend every second you can with your little one at Christmas! Baby is most important!” Ok_Historian_646
Another User Comments:
“Oh no… It’s just too much for a new mother to want to spend her baby’s first Christmas with, I don’t know, her baby???
It takes some gall to expect someone to forego their Christmas plans for something only they view as “magical” and “romantic”. Come on, lady, live in the 21st century—magic and romance are for Hallmark movies, not everyday weddings. I know I sound harsh, but I’m really not impressed by those who HAVE to have the storybook wedding and to heck with everyone else.
You do you, boo. Stay home and be with your family and make your own traditions. I read in another post that someone was told “Weddings are just one day; babies are forever.” Take that stance—your friend can only live in La La Land for so long.
Reality creeps in real fast and it’s not worth fighting over. She’s probably going to learn real fast who her “true” friends are when they’re willing to sacrifice Christmas for her big day. She darn well better not get divorced—people will really be mad then if they made that sacrifice for nothing.
Trust me, when all is said and done, you’ll be much happier with your memories of your baby’s first Christmas than of whatever drama is bound to happen. Let yourself experience the wonder of that first holiday together… and marvel at the knowledge that you, and only you, are the mother of that little tiny miracle.
After all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? NTJ.” OkVariation9786
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Anyone who plans a Christmas Day wedding is a jerk. Like really, WHY??? But OP, let me tell you from my experience as a parent of children (whom I love DEEPLY)—first Christmas is a big deal, but not that big a deal. The kids are barely more than little potatoes that sit there without knowing what is going on.
Second/third Christmas is where it gets fun (depending on what month the kid was born). You’re worried about the special memories of first Christmas? Let me tell you, they won’t be good if you’ve just torpedoed your oldest friendship. Just find a way to make the wedding work and maintain the friendship, and then find a way to still make special memories with your baby.
You really can do both, and frankly, they will probably be better and stronger memories if (1) they are fun, weird, oddball memories of going to that whacky Xmas wedding with your baby in tow than (2) if they are memories of how you were fighting with your best friend and then stayed home to have an emotionally sad and experientially underwhelming at-home Christmas with your unaware potato baby.” No-Refrigerator-7946
5. AITJ For Standing My Ground About Legally Using A Handicapped Parking Spot?
“I have arthritis in both knees and have been going between the surgeon and my GP at the VA to figure out replacing them. I have a legal and current handicapped parking placard for this.
I pulled into the parking lot of the early voting center in town, and folks were blocking the handicapped parking spot with the line to vote.
I pulled up, put my head out the open window, and nicely asked them to move so I could park there. My parking placard was hanging from my rearview mirror.
Folks shuffled their feet and looked like they weren’t going to move when one woman from further back in the line started yelling for no one to move.
It was a handicapped parking space. A huge symbol was painted on the ground. A sign was posted on the metal post.
I ask again, saying it is a legal parking spot and asking that people please move. I am carefully watching my words at this point.
Again, the woman in the back started yelling that I was wrong and tried to engage me in an argument, and when someone went to move, she again yelled for no one to move.
At this point, my wife got out of the car to get help.
I was upset and realized this goblin was not going to relent. I explained I was going to call the police for blocking a handicapped parking spot and election interference. She told me I should. She is yelling, cursing, and went full ad hominem.
Not going to lie; I argued back until I realized her circular logic was making it all about her.
A worker showed up and had them move the line, explaining they couldn’t block any parking spots.
Unhappy that she had to move and that I could park, she started loudly telling the worker that I was being an insolent jerk. A male voice I hadn’t heard before also screamed that I was wrong and made some questionable observations regarding my ancestry.
Having had enough, I took my shot and condescendingly said, “Ok sweetie, you should just calm down.” I’m fully aware that after decades of marriage, this is a move no man should use without a cup, but as fate would have it, I was still sitting in my vehicle.
So after I parked and we all headed to the back of the line, I picked up one of the four to five chairs along the line for folks who have trouble standing in line.
Immediately, she starts yelling at me that I was not allowed to take the chairs they had put out for other people.
I rolled my eyes in her general direction, walked to the back of the line, and sat down in the chair awaiting my turn. She kept clucking for a bit.
Now I’m upset, but I’m also wondering: AITJ? My wife, who is non-confrontational, was bothered. My teen was embarrassed on her first time voting.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’ll preface this with I am not a lawyer, just a fellow disabled guy who knows his rights. She should be glad the cops didn’t show up, as blocking a person with disabilities from being able to use the parking space legally designated for their use is illegal and she would have been cited for it.
In my state, CO, the fine for blocking a handicapped parking spot is $350–$1,000 for the first offense, $600–$1,000 for the second offense, and $1,000–$5,000 and up to 10 hours of community service for the third and subsequent offenses. When you add in the voting interference, those are federal-level felony charges, especially since you are disabled and that is considered a protected minority.
The guy shouting racist crap could potentially have been charged in that scenario as well. Good for you for standing your ground and standing up for yourself and your family, even while sitting down.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: People, both able-bodied and disabled often look at those parking spots and other accessibility features as being close to entrances, which only helps them think of them as tools for the lazy.
The accessibility features are not for people to get early access or shorter walks, but to ensure that those who need them can actually use them. The wider space makes it so you can actually get in and out of your car at all. The shorter distance is just a side effect of a business wanting to waste the least amount of space on enforceable lanes of travel for those on wheels or crutches or just plain inflexible joints.
We all get it, it sucks to be stuck in a long line. But this crowd and that woman in particular were just plain jerks. Not only that, but the poll worker (and law enforcement if they had shown up) clearly pointed out that it’s a parking space and there for a reason.
Heck, what would this jerk have done if someone had left after voting and left a non-HC space available, continued to block it because if she had to park 20′ further away so should they? Unreal.” UnethicalFood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I look like a normal, able-bodied, middle-aged adult female.
Under the skin, my body feels about 150 years old and sounds like a glow stick snapping when I move. People give me nasty looks all the time when I’m parking in the handicapped spot with my placard and using the motorized carts in the stores on days when my knees say “No” to walking through the store to get milk without buckling.
I just smile and keep moving. Ignore that woman and anyone who agrees with her or didn’t move for your car. You did nothing wrong.” 4011s
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife's Ex To Use Our Address As His Home Address?
“My wife and her ex had a kid together, and her child support was settled out of court where he would pay for her car and insurance. Fast forward, he moved out of state and lives in CA and we live in MI. He asked if he could make our home his primary address so that he wouldn’t raise red flags with his insurance.
I told my wife that made me uncomfortable and that I would prefer if he does not do that due to fraud of lying about his address, and it is our home. I don’t want his name anywhere near it.
I found out later that he did it anyway and my wife is like… oh that is just what he does.
We told him no. Am I the jerk for texting him and saying hey, just making sure you didn’t put our house on the insurance and to please take it off if you did.
This has my wife in a panic that he will try to retaliate and try to file for custody and take her to court even though he has spent a total of 60 hours with his son in the 6 years and does not call him.
Let me know ’cause I thought I was protecting my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but he’s the one committing fraud, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Heck, someone could be using my home address for something right now, and I wouldn’t know. If mail comes to you, I would write “return to sender.
Doesn’t live here” and put it back in the mailbox.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not committing insurance fraud, but he could be. That’s not your problem. The problem lies in other potential repercussions. You do not want this man having any way of saying he’s been living with you and has any rights to your property at all.
Criminal creativity. He’s not going to sue for custody. If he wanted to be with his child so badly, he would not have moved away without a custody agreement in place in the first place. Your wife is overreacting.” Hepkat98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I can understand your wife’s anxiety.
Even though he probably won’t have a chance in heck of getting custody at this stage of the game, the battle is still draining. Honestly, I suggest she stop with the out-of-court arrangements and get court-ordered child support. Keep things simple and professional, and bring up to the attorney what he is trying to pull with the address and insurance.
Let him explain that in court.” [deleted]
3. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Friend's Partner A Childhood Gift He Made For Me?
“I (20f) have a friend, let’s call him Josh (20m), who I have known most of my life.
We’ve never been romantically involved or anything like that; at least on my end, the friendship is purely platonic. For two years, he’s been in a relationship with Heather (20f), and since they started seeing each other, she and I have been really good friends, almost inseparable.
I also have a partner of 4 years, and all of us hang out fairly often.
When we were like 13, Josh had a phase where he was really into woodworking, and he made me a small wooden bowl. I keep it on my bathroom counter and put my earrings in.
I like it a lot, and it’s a cute memento from my childhood.
About a week ago, Heather and I were getting ready to go Christmas shopping. I was doing my makeup in the bathroom when she pointed out the bowl and asked where it came from.
I’m guessing Josh mentioned it to her because the way she asked it was like she knew the answer. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it was almost accusatory, like she had just caught me doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
I told her it was from Josh when we were like 13. She then told me, “well, since he’s my partner, I think I should have it now.” I told her no, that he made it for me when we were kids, and I didn’t want to give it away.
She started arguing with me about it, and I asked her to leave, lol, because I could not reason with her. Since then, I’ve tried to reach out to her and she hasn’t responded. I haven’t tried to reach out to Josh at all because I feel like it just wouldn’t be appropriate and I don’t know how much of this situation he knows about, if he agrees with her, and anything else.
My partner agrees that I shouldn’t have to give it to her and of course he and Josh have talked, but not about this. It’s just a very awkward situation, and I’m wondering, am I the jerk for not giving my friend’s partner a gift he made for me when we were young?”
Another User Comments:
“Of course you’re NTJ. It was a gift to you from a friend. Just because he has a new partner doesn’t mean everything he’s ever given to anyone on the planet becomes hers. Talk about entitled. Never let her be alone with the bowl.
It’ll disappear in a hot minute.” Youwhooo60
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You may need to put a tracking device on that cute childhood token of friendship (or stop hanging out with her). They’re together for two years, and she wants him to erase his childhood?
Is she also tracking down everyone Josh has ever been in a relationship with?” TemptingPenguin369
2. AITJ For Not Dividing My Graduation Tickets Equally Between My Parents?
“I graduate from high school in a few months, and I was told that I’m allowed 10 free tickets for family. Other tickets are available for purchase. Recently, my father asked about tickets, and I told him about the free ones.
He claimed that he should get five, and my mother’s side of the family should get five to make it fair. I told him that, under normal circumstances, I would agree; however, there are only three family members on his side to whom I’m offering tickets.
The three are: my father, my grandma, and my grandpa. The rest are: my mother, sister, stepdad, brother-in-law, and three grandparents on that side.
He claimed this was unfair, and that I needed to uninvite my stepdad and brother-in-law in order to invite my stepmom and stepbrother.
I said that if they would like to attend, I have no objections. But my stepmom does not want to go and has been separated from my father for months.
For background context: she’s left us three times before. This time, she kicked my father and me out of the house instead.
Also, she has started the divorce process. I currently live with my mother as my primary caretaker.
Back to the story, though. My father called me selfish and disrespectful and said that my stepfather and brother-in-law were not even family. He also said that my graduation day is not about me; it’s about the people who raised me.
Therefore, I had no right to decide who was invited. I disagreed and told him so. He said that if I didn’t invite my stepmom and stepbrother, he would not be attending, nor would he allow my grandparents on his side to attend. He then called me a disappointment and dropped me off at my mother’s house.
It’s been 5 hours, and he’s now calling and texting non-stop, saying that I need to apologize to him. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t engage in this topic. He’s not going to ‘see reason’; he can’t control his marriage, so he’s trying to control you and how he’s seen publicly at a social media event to make himself feel better.
How your stepmother makes you feel SHOULD be important to him, and it’s not. Leave all the tickets with your mother when they come. Call your paternal grandparents as soon as you can to get the truth out there, in case he hasn’t talked to them yet.
Just for safety’s sake, tell your mother’s parents too. Then, keep your head down about it (and everything else) when you have to be around your father, unless you can legally not have to see him, so staying away could be a possibility.” BeckyDaTechie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I didn’t invite my father or anyone from his family. There’s a fair amount of baggage, but I didn’t think he deserved to be there because he disappeared more or less after 5th grade. Also, there was the random phone call he made when I was in 10th grade to ask if I was graduating then.
So yeah… I have very little sympathy for fathers or parents in general who think something is unfair. Your father can complain about ticket distribution all he wants. One could argue that it’s unfair that he’s subjected you to multiple broken homes and treated you and him like crap.
You’re not a disappointment. He is. You’ve explained things to him already. He isn’t owed an additional phone call. Call the people on his side (grandparents and whoever else), explain things, and invite them directly. If they try to guilt you into caving to your dad’s crap, go ahead and end the call.
It sucks that you’re in the middle of his insecure and entitled crap.” GoopInThisBowlIsVile
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is it your father walking across the stage to accept that diploma? No? Then this day is not about him (typical narcissist). This day is about celebrating you and your accomplishment.
You choose who you want to share this celebration with. You asked what to do about your father. It will be hard, but do nothing. Don’t engage or discuss further. You said what you said, and your decision is final. He can attend or not (if you still want him there).
This isn’t about having his soon-to-be-ex-wife attend. It’s about him controlling you. Your grandparents are adults. If they choose to allow your father to dictate their actions and make decisions for them, then that’s on them. Like others here have said, contact your grandparents directly and offer them the tickets.
If they decline, it’s their loss, and I’d make a note of it. Choosing to support a grown man’s infantile temper tantrum over seeing their grandchild’s graduation says a lot about them and their priorities. Should your stepmother want to attend (which I highly doubt), she can purchase a ticket.” GypsyBookGeek
1. AITJ For Telling My Coworker Why She's Struggling With Customers?
“I work at a restaurant as a server.
One of my coworkers moved up here from Georgia for college and started working here a few months ago.
She constantly lays on the “southern charm” thing thick. She calls everyone “honey” and “sweetie” and all of that. She also tends to chit-chat with people instead of just letting them eat after bringing them their food or drinks.
It’s also kind of obvious that a lot of them don’t really want to talk to her. They give one-word answers, and she just barrels forward and talks at them. (Management has told her off more than once for this.)
About two weeks ago, she was upset because a customer yelled at her and said, “Don’t call me that!” when she called her “honey,” and she complains that she’s not getting as many tips as the other servers.
She says it’s because she has a Southern accent and customers think she’s stupid, but I don’t think that’s the case.
She asked me for advice, and I said it’s because she takes so long to bring things out and wastes time trying to make small talk.
I also said that the excessive pet names sound kind of condescending, and they aren’t really something you would call a stranger here.
She told me that she wasn’t going to start being rude to customers because she would make even less money.
I told her it’s not being rude; it’s just how things work here, and it’s rude to other customers she’s supposed to be serving when she spends all her time trying to make small talk instead of doing her job and calling them weird things.
Now she’s mad and has been avoiding me. Maybe I could have been gentler when trying to explain why people complain about her, but I was also really stressed because it’s Christmas season and so much is going on. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to read the room. Maybe her style works where she’s from, but she’s got to adapt to wherever she is. She also has to understand the difference between inserting herself into the guest experience by sticking around for chit-chat and ‘being rude.’ I used to wait tables, and while it’s great to have regulars and develop a rapport with them, you can’t do it at the expense of getting their food out quickly or inserting yourself into their conversations.
I thought you were clear in explaining what you were seeing and the effect it was having on the guests.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My partner is from the South, and I’m from the PNW. We’ve had countless discussions about how her “serving voice” would be seen as rude here, whereas in her home state, it’s how everyone talks and would be the expectation.
If you say ‘honey’ or ‘sugar’ or ‘sweetie pie’ to a stranger here and you don’t look like a grandma, they’d look at you like you’re out of your mind or insulting them. Meanwhile, when I’m serving, I don’t like to call anyone ma’am because it’s old and weird sounding up here and instead say sir and miss (and folks, since nonbinary people exist).
I don’t use any pet names, and I do very little small talk unless the guests interact first and seem like they want conversation. My guests prefer that. In her state, people would correct me and go ‘it’s ma’am’ because that’s what they’re used to and would find it rude if I just dropped off food, asked if it was to their liking, and abruptly left.” Nicki-ryan
Another User Comments:
“I don’t agree with every single thing you said, but overall, I’m going to say NTJ. To be honest, it sounds like this person isn’t all that good at being a server. Making small talk with the customers can be a good move that makes them happy and increases your tips, but you’ve got to know when to do it and when to just go away and leave them alone.
And when you’ve just brought out their food is almost never the right time for the charm offensive, especially when this server is apparently slow about bringing the food out after it’s ready. I feel confident that people in Georgia wouldn’t like that much more than people do in Boston or NYC or wherever you are.
The ‘honey/sweetie’ thing is a bit more complicated, and I’m not sure I agree. I would think that, for a young Southern woman working outside the South, that would be a net positive on the tips, if only she were better at other aspects of the job.
Again, though, it’s about reading the room/table. Some people are going to respond well to this, and others less so. And it’s somewhat predictable just based on demographics.” CoverCharacter8179
