People Crave Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Wanting My SIL To Back Off?
“I had horses my entire childhood and teen years. When I graduated high school, my parents split and neither was able to help me pay for the board of my horses, and being a college student on a server’s income I couldn’t either, so I sold my horses.
My brother-in-law has been seeing his partner for 2 years, but we were only made aware of her about 8 months ago.
She seemed really nice at first, but she’s actually a control freak who is extremely insecure and jealous. She will not let my BIL talk on the phone unless it’s on speaker, 99% of the time she is texting for him, and is very easy to get upset if things don’t go her way.
So a few months ago, my future SIL mentioned that she is getting another horse and cannot afford the board on her other horse.
My husband had been looking to buy me a horse for several months prior, but was having trouble finding one. So, my SIL told him ‘She can have (her horse), but just make sure that if she ever wants to get rid of him, she lets me know first and I’ll take him back.’ She said it was because she’s very worried about selling to someone she doesn’t know and this way she would know who has him.
So the day comes and I’m surprised with him. My SIL lives 45 min away, so we moved him to a boarding pasture 7 minutes down the road from us. She helped us move him down and get him settled, and the next day called me and said she had a contract for me to sign. ‘It just says that you’ll take care of him and that if you sell him I get him back.’ The contract actually said that everything, from brand of feed to his farrier had to be approved by her, or she had the right to take him back.
I was so ready to have a horse that I just signed whatever I needed to sign and just considered it a formality.
Fast forward a couple of months, and she’s driving me insane. She goes by the boarder multiple times a week and sends me pictures of every little scratch. I go over there every other day to ride and check on him.
Even while she was on vacation she sends her sister over there to send her videos and pictures of him so she can check on him. There is also a man who I pay to board them who feeds them and keeps an eye on him.
She goes by yesterday, sends me a text asking when the farrier is coming, and says ‘I notice he has a small scratch on his hind end you’ve been treating.
How bad was it?’ I noticed it on Friday but I didn’t tell her because I don’t feel like I need to update her daily on every little scratch. My husband asked me what was up and I mentioned how frustrating it is being nagged to death. He told me later he called his brother just to mention it (without my knowledge) and his brother said ‘Well it’s not their horse, SIL is just letting her ride it and that’s what you guys get out of the deal.’
Am I the jerk because I want her to back off? I feel like I’m just paying for the upkeep on her horse and am just pretty much babysitting it for her in exchange for riding it some.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; SIL is a classic horse lover with the fatal logic flaw; if you can’t afford to board the second horse, you can’t afford a second horse.
Like plenty of previous posts have stated, the feed and shoe and moving stuff is absolutely normal for leasing, especially since the horse is being kept somewhere else. Personally, I’m surprised she let you move the horse (If it were me and I was that attached to a horse I wasn’t riding, I can’t say I’d behave very differently).
Will SIL really keep driving over to check on the horse? I know you said her barn was 45 from your home, how far is she driving to check on the horse? Will she get tired eventually and back off? I’d feel a little petty about the constant nagging and suggest to SIL that SHE can pay for a farm visit from HER vet if she’s worried. But on the other hand, I’ve seen plenty of owners ignore injuries that should have been given some first aid at least. I don’t know and can’t judge.
Is her behavior excessive? Yes. Is she being ridiculous and babying the horse? Yeah. Set some boundaries (not sure at this point SIL will relax and understand horses are dumb as heck and twice as clumsy and not every scratch and booboo needs to be treated) or return the horse. She’ll have to sell him or find someone else to lease.
A good lease involves a horse AND an owner you like.” PetulantQuat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I agree she’s being controlling, but I don’t think she’s a jerk for it. This is how leasing a horse works. You sign the contract, you agree to the terms. At the end of the day, it isn’t your horse.
And it seems like she really loves this horse and is having trouble letting him go. At the same time, her behavior is exhausting. In the future, I would recommend going over the contract with a fine-tooth comb and not doing business with family.” marchnerd21
Another User Comments:
“ESH, always know what you’re signing a contract for and yeah she sounds over the top with the visits but it’s her pet you’re leasing and she obviously loves him.
Return him and adopt/purchase your own. If she offers to let you actually purchase him and you do get a bill of sale etc. And I’d make sure she and the boarding stable knows she’s not allowed to just show up unannounced without permission. If she can’t do that just find another it’s not worth the stress.” Erisedstorm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Longtime horse owner/trainer here.
Family or not… RUN. Return the horse, and find one of your own. I’ve found some of my best horses in rescues, kill pens and other places where you can not only get a reasonably-priced horse, but you’re rescuing it as well. You’re already paying for the most expensive aspects of horse ownership (the horse is NEVER the biggest price tag) so might as well do what you want with it without having one of those kinds of horse people up your behind 24/7.
Having been around horses previously, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how nuts some horse folk can be. She sounds like one of them, and family or not, it ain’t worth it.
Return the horse, find your own. You’ll feel better.” buckthisnoise
17. AITJ For Proposing At My Sister's Wedding?
“I know that I already sound like TJ from the title, but please hear me out.
About a month ago, my sister had an outdoor wedding at a gorgeous hotel overlooking the coast. The ceremony and reception themselves were in the lawn/garden that the hotel rented out specifically for such events, but my fiancée and I also had booked a room in the hotel for the night, which itself was set a short distance apart from there.
My now fiancée (25F) and I (25M) are both very uncomfortable with large crowds, so some time into the wedding, I let my sister know that we were retreating to the hotel for a short breather. We had discovered a small terrace in the hotel the previous day that had an amazing view of the sunset, and we wanted to go there to have 10 mins to ourselves.
We are both huge romantics (seriously, we will make you retch) and LOVE the ocean and the sunset. For our first outing, I borrowed the keys to my friend’s apartment building’s rooftop and set up a picnic and a playlist with a sunset view. Literally, every anniversary of ours has involved a private place to watch the sunset over the ocean.
The view from the terrace was absolutely spectacular and the moment was so perfect that I couldn’t help myself. It was completely spontaneous. I didn’t even have a ring. I just got on one knee and asked her then and there to marry me AND SHE SAID YES!!
No one saw us. The terrace was empty and the garden in which the reception was held wasn’t in our field of view.
We were both buzzing with excitement but we both agreed to hold off telling anyone else because this was my sister’s special day.
Last night, we had dinner with my family, and my fiancée and I broke the news to my family that we were engaged. Everyone was obviously delighted and asked us to narrate the story of how I or she proposed.
My sister was FURIOUS to find out I had proposed during her wedding. She pulled me aside after dinner and completely blew up at me. She accused me of trying to steal the attention from her wedding and I told her that we had intentionally kept the news to ourselves till now to avoid doing exactly that.
She said it didn’t matter because now everyone would remember her wedding as the day I proposed anyway.
I honestly disagree because no one really witnessed my proposal, so it wouldn’t really be part of their wedding memories. We didn’t tell anyone we got engaged till now and I don’t really feel that anyone will associate her wedding with our engagement at this point because by now it’s been long enough that they should feel like two separate events.
My sister doesn’t see it my way and has refused to speak to me since last night. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – If you have to lie and hide it for a month from people involved maybe it’s not a good idea?
Just don’t propose at other people’s weddings man. Just don’t. Geez, there are 364 other days in the year and you couldn’t be bothered to figure out another day?
I’m honestly wondering if this is a troll post intended to see if you could find a technicality to get around the ‘don’t propose at weddings’ advice.
It doesn’t matter if you didn’t reveal it to anyone. You still took advantage of a day that wasn’t meant to be about you.” IAMA_Longhorse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I thought for sure that I was going to call you TJ, but you did so privately on a balcony at the hotel and not in the middle of the venue. You did not announce it for an entire month. If anyone had gotten word of it during the wedding, that would have been one thing.
But for it to ruin her wedding day that it so happens that you quietly got engaged and made no mention of it? Come on, nobody focuses that much on other people’s wedding days after the fact. I don’t sit and reminisce over my brother’s wedding day, nor is it something I often think about.
Not because it wasn’t a lovely day and not because I am not very much happy for him, but wedding days really only exist in that level of importance to the people who actually got married. She’s being over dramatic.” genericname907
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t believe the way some people are responding to this.
It’s like they heard, once upon a time, that it is the ultimate taboo to propose at someone else’s wedding and are now running with that information with zero regards for context.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. No one saw you propose, no one’s attention was robbed from your sister because you proposed, and no one even found out about it until a month later.
Your sister is being ridiculous. NO ONE is going to think back on her wedding day and have their memories of the wedding itself overwritten by the knowledge that somewhere, unbeknownst to anyone, you got engaged at some point during that day. That’s just not how memory works.” jentlefolk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You handled it fine.
If this had been some elaborate planned public proposal in the middle of the ceremony or reception, I would have crucified you for it. Nothing could be further than the truth. You had a sincere unplanned moment, then kept it under your hat from everyone for a month.
I guess it’s possible your sister was upset because your attention wasn’t fully focused on her… but… in your story, she was furious and said she was worried that people would think of it as your engagement day instead of her wedding day.
She had no problem with you two taking a break from the reception or she’d have been mad before. She wasn’t. Her wedding is over and ‘people’ aren’t going to be walking around in this world thinking about it and talking about it all the time, trying to decide if they want to think of that specific day in time as her wedding or not.
You said you’re not sharing the story.
Sure go ahead and apologize to your sister but know in your heart she’s kind of being a Back in Time Bridezilla about it. Her wedding day is over, she needs to move on now.
You might point out that she just blotted your happiness in sharing it with your family a month later but you’re not going to take it out on her.” TheVue221
16. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Mom?
“So I got a puppy recently, and she’s really scared of loud noises.
If I even sneeze too hard, she freaks out. Whenever she gets scared, she makes this heartbreaking whine until I come to calm her down. (She’s basically like a real baby, but without the needless tantrums. She’s only like this when she’s scared or lonely.)
I also live with my parents, and during the week, it’s my task to watch the younger kids to keep them out of trouble.
It’s kind of fun at times, so I don’t really mind as much.
What I do mind is that instead of just calling me on the phone sometimes to let me know that the kids are awake, my mom will tell the older one to run down the hallway and come hit on my door, seemingly to wake me up.
I don’t care. I’m used to his antics by now, but now that I’ve got a new puppy, it’s her I worry about. Each time the kid hits my door, it scares the puppy out of her sleep, and she starts whining like crazy, even long after the kid is gone. (I’ve actually seen this firsthand.
She pretty much jolts awake as if someone had violently shaken her, and she doesn’t go back to sleep after that.)
I’ve asked my mom in person why she does this and each time, she says something like ‘he’s there to wake you up’ or ‘because I feel like it.’ (I’ve told her that I have insane nightmares, and am usually wide awake by this time anyway.
If I don’t answer the first call, try a second. Or send a text. I’ll respond. But no. She keeps sending my brother to do his thing. I’ve heard him throw his full body against the door before, which sounded like it hurt, but mainly just made a ton of noise.)
Each time, I’ve tried sending her a text, just a friendly reminder that he is scaring my puppy each time he does this, and that I can’t watch any kids if I have to keep calming her down.
Mom ignores these texts, and nothing changes.
Today was different, though. I had an awful nightmare. I had been awake for a bit, kind of fighting the urge to cry, and I’m dead tired from this happening so often, so I wasn’t really in a mood for nonsense.
The kid hits my door again, which actually scared me this time too because of what had just happened. I’m pretty angry, so I kind of ignore him and just go straight to comforting the puppy.
I get an angry call from my mom a few minutes later asking why I didn’t respond when my brother hit on my door. I don’t answer, but ask why she keeps sending him to do that, when I’ve said before that it scares my dog, and have asked her nicely to just try calling me.
She gets offended, thinking I’m talking back, and pretty much refuses to continue the conversation or even answer my question until I apologize for my rudeness. She tries to tell me that she still expects me to come get the kids and watch them for the day, but I hang up.
I know that she’s my mom, but she has this kind of ‘My word is law’ and ‘I’m always right’ mentality.
So.. am I the jerk for not apologizing to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are actually almost there. Every time this happens, stay with the puppy and ignore them. When she calls, tell her you can’t talk now because the loud noise scared the puppy… as you have told her. Then hang up. Two can play her game, until she apologizes refuse to continue the conversation.
If your mother wants to give you adult responsibilities… like watching the younger children… then she needs to show you respect.
By the way, have you tried talking to your brother? Tell him that it scares the puppy when he makes those loud noises and ask him to be quieter.” ACCER1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Your mom could adjust the way she wakes you up.
It’s a little jerkish of her and it would be a simple thing BUT she doesn’t have to because it’s her house. However annoying that may be. She has you watching the kids (side note: When you say kids, do you mean your younger siblings?) while she goes to work or leaves the house and she wants to make sure you’re awake before she leaves.
If you’re usually up, why don’t you get up and go to the rest of the house?
Also, if you’re having nightmares so bad you need to go talk to someone about it like a therapist. You might be able to work through what is causing the nightmares.” redrumsoullessginger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I see this as you doing her a favor. You’ve politely asked her to not send the kid to hit on your door but to call you instead. I don’t see why she would refuse this, honestly. It seems like she’s just trying to annoy you or something. I don’t feel you owe her an apology.” LethargicLad24
15. AITJ For Not Helping Around The House?
“I live with my little brother (12) and my dad (47). My Mum lives and works in a pub 10 minutes away. I am (f20).
My dad has been in a bad state since 2012 when my mum asked for a divorce. He had a breakdown and got laid off from work 4 years ago and has made no effort to get proper help apart from a doctor he sees maybe every 3 months to check to see if he is able to go back to work.
(He was able to go back to work a year ago). He started drinking a lot around that time too and still does binge twice a week. He still doesn’t want to go back to work, despite functioning normally every day for the last 2 years and being signed off by a doctor. I’m not in his head so I don’t truly know how he feels but tbh I want him to ‘man up’ and grin and bear it as I have been thrown through the same crap as he has and I am dealing with it every day.
I have had to pay off his bailiffs and other debts with all the savings I had. He’s never attempted to pay me back or say thank you.
I work full time most days 8 am-4 pm or some days it’s 8 am-2:30 pm and others it’s 6:30 am-17:00 pm. My days will require some manual labor and looking after an office by myself so I am always tired when I get in from work as most people would be.
I give my dad 30% of the rent each week and I pay utilities by myself as well as my personal bills. (Car, Phone, Netflix)
My dad does nothing all day and he’s incredibly messy. I never spend any time in the living room as it’s his terrain and it’s disgusting, the kitchen is always in a state despite him doing whatever and the bathroom is also a mess when I get back.
Every room apart from my own is always a mess unless I clean it on the weekend when I have free time or do the washing up when I get in from work during the week. He also expects me to give him more money during the week for things like food, but I know that he spends most of it on booze and smoking stuff.
My brother has ADHD so my dad is constantly making excuses for him as to why my brother can’t help out with chores, and my brother knows my dad sticks up for him and uses it and his ‘illness’ against everyone, basically he’s lazy. If I go a couple of days without doing some washing up or mopping, I get screamed at for ‘never doing anything around the house’.
Basically, am I a jerk for not doing it every single day despite having done a full day’s work and being tired, while my dad doesn’t do anything and is able to mentally function normally despite his issues? And am I a jerk for not wanting to give my dad more money each week?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
At all! You may not like to hear this, as it’s your father we’re talking about, but he is using you. For funds, as a carer, and emotionally manipulating you by making you feel bad for engaging in normal activity. The sooner you get your own place, the better. If I were you, I would seriously be looking for other housing options.
Also, when you do go, don’t look back with guilt. You’re entitled to live your own life. Your father’s choices are his problem, not yours.” tdzangel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every reason to be upset with everything you listed and frankly, you need to stop enabling it. The only thing I’d consider jerkish on your part?
Reinforcing misogynist rhetoric by using phrases like ‘man up’ so if you’re gonna talk about it, don’t be misogynistic about it and make the issue about the actual issue.” JJSec
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I know you said you’re saving up to move out so I think just knuckle down until then. I’m guessing this might be why your mum left?” roloem91
14. AITJ For Cutting Off My Close Friend?
“For the first incident, I have to give some context – I have scars all over my body and it’s fairly obvious why.
I’ve talked about my struggle with a handful of my closest friends, Jen being one of them. We were in a group with our friends once and someone noticed some of the larger scars on my leg and made a concerned remark, and Jen chimed in mockingly, saying something to the effect of ‘yeah OP, what’s that?’ I just sort of excused myself and left, but it was a jerk move.
Secondly, I’d had a massive crush on one of our other friends, Mark, for nearly a year. I was raving about him constantly, and yet, she started seeing him. I really don’t mind that she got together with Mark and honestly, I was genuinely happy for them. They’re both really great people – or so I figured until I was reflecting on what happened. Besides the fact that she didn’t tell me they were seeing each other for a month though I was still talking about him, it was the way she told me that was a bit cruel.
Jen called me to talk about how sweet this mystery guy was to her, the kinds of compliments he’d give her, etc., to which I tell her I’m absolutely thrilled for her! The part that hurts is that she asked me to guess the guy, so I spent 10 minutes humiliating myself as she tried to get me to say that the person I’d been pining for months had fallen for her.
Later, I realized that what Jen had done was quite possibly the worst way to handle that situation, and ended up hurting me much more than if she’d told me initially.
At this point, I was about to go traveling so I wasn’t going to see her for a few months, and figured that after I came back, we could sort this out, but until then, did nothing.
Fast forward to last week – I was throwing a party for my birthday and Jen said she’d be there, but when the day came, she was texting one of our mutual friends (who was at the party) and apparently completely forgot about it. Instead of giving a quick notice that she wouldn’t be coming after all, she just vanished. Again, it’s really not about the event itself, it’s just that the way she handles some situations displays a staggering amount of immaturity.
Since we were close and run in the same social circles, it will be apparent that I’m distancing myself and avoidance will have to be deliberate. I don’t want to estrange myself from the rest of our friends or stir up any drama. I want to approach this as fairly as possible, but I’m not sure that it’s fair to her to distance myself, and it certainly wouldn’t be fair if I went from being close to her to stopping all contact.
Is this a good enough reason to close off an otherwise relatively drama-free friendship? There are a few other things but they’re pretty small or were about other people and Jen, not Jen and me. Also, if I were to distance myself, how could I do so in the most mature and measured way?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, cause you choose who you want in your life. Something I have learned (quite painfully) over the course of my adult life, I’ll share quickly with you. I have often misunderstood how much I meant to people. I would feel very close to someone, feel they were my super close friend, only to have them ghost me, or just drop me when I was in a tough place (i.e. my H was mysteriously ill in the hospital for 7 weeks and almost died. Only a very people actually stepped up to help me with my kids).
I learned, that what I feel isn’t what they feel and I need to be very careful to not pretend I know how important I am to them, based on how important they are to me.
She is telling you, with her behavior, even if you are ‘friends’ that you aren’t that close of a friend for her.
which is fine. Just be careful you aren’t basing your expectation of her behavior on how you would act. Maybe you dial back your expectations based on her choices, and you can remain casual friends.
This is what I am trying to teach my daughter because she is just like me in her friendships. She cares for her friends very intensely and when one of them doesn’t reciprocate in kind, she is devastated (or has been, she’s learning differently).
I also tell her, that it’s her choice if she can accept casual friends who drift in and out of her life. If she can’t, she can cut them off. she can choose, she doesn’t need to allow herself to feel she is at the mercy of other people’s whims or flakiness.
I hope this is helpful.” honeybeedreams
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This person is NOT A FRIEND. Stop treating her as such. Don’t trust her with information or personal details. She clearly doesn’t care about you. For future reference, the ‘I know something you don’t know, guess what it is’ game is NEVER a friendly game… it’s about twisting the knife when delivering hurtful information.” Respectable_Coyote
13. WIBTJ If I Asked My Brother To Give Me Back The Condo?
“Around 10 years ago my only brother got married. At that time their plan was to live with either SIL’s family or our parents until they save enough money to rent their own place. He had a job but it was entry-level and he didn’t make a lot. In fairness to my brother, he never asked for a penny from my parents or me.
That’s one of the reasons I decided that for his wedding gift, I would buy them their own condo.
I got him a 2 bedroom condo in a good area in the city so he could be close to work. The condo cost me around US$190,000. We’re not from the USA and I don’t know how much condos cost in American cities but that wasn’t chump change for me.
Fast forward to today, my brother now has an 8 yr old with another baby on the way. He’s also a supervisor now and makes enough money to provide a comfortable life for his family.
The condo I gave him was getting a little cramp. It may be a 2 bedroom but the 2nd bedroom is like a glorified closet with a window.
I don’t think it’s meant for a family of 4. So after months of talking to my parents and crunching numbers, I decided I would buy them a duplex in the same area as their condo. I told my brother last Christmas and there were lots of tears, hugs, and ‘thank yous.’
I found the perfect house in May of this year.
The sale price plus the cost of renovations cost me around US$720,000. 2 floors, 4 bedrooms with walk-in closets, 2 car garage, heck it even had a maid’s room. It was perfect for them and they were able to move in this month.
Here’s the problem, I am thinking of asking my brother to ‘sell’ me his condo way way waaaay below market price.
My plan is to either sell it or rent it out, so I can get back some of the money I spent on his house. I’m a single guy, my business is doing good and it may take a while but I will recoup the money I spent on his new house. My brother on the other hand can really use the extra income that the condo will give him.
So, WIBTJ if I ask my brother (husband and father of 2) to essentially sell me (his single, financially stable older brother) his condo for peanuts so I can get back some of the money I spent on their new house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are literally paying to upgrade their situation, and giving them a very generous gift. Let him know that part of the deal to getting this very nice new home, is giving up the old one.
Doesn’t matter what you do with the old place, the point is, you will be using it to pay for their upgrade, and they should be grateful.
If they don’t want to relinquish the old place in exchange for the new, they can always stay where they are, or because he has been living rent-free for years, he could use his own savings to change their living arrangements, if he isn’t happy with your immense generosity.” glimmernglitz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think it would be reasonable for you to suggest the idea.
You could also float the idea of your brother offering you 50% equity in the condo at a lower than market rate and you two could split the proceeds of it as a rental. That way when it comes time to sell it, you have gotten some funds from rent and will get a bit from the eventual sale of the property.
The biggest thing is that you are trying to find some way to recoup the investment made in your brother’s life, but you bought him the condo. It is his. Please keep that in mind when you talk with him. It sounds like you two are close! Just have an honest, respectful conversation and be ready for him to say no.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m going to assume buying the duplex for your brother is providing you with financial annoyances and not financial hardships. (note if buying the duplex for your brother is causing you financial hardships because you were expecting proceeds from the condo YTJ because you shot off your mouth).
It’s not unreasonable to believe your brother expects to keep the condo or to sell it at market value because it was a gift. You gave it to him, it’s his.
It’s also not unreasonable to think that since you bought the condo for him as a wedding present and not as an investment vehicle, that he should give the condo back to you since his family isn’t using it anymore and you are giving him a duplex.
The main problem is you are doing everything after the fact.
If you said, ‘Give me the condo and I’ll buy you guys a duplex.’ They’d take that deal up in a second. You wouldn’t have to give them a penny for the condo.
So I think you can ask for the condo (reduced sale price or as a trade) but you can’t fight about it.
‘It would really help me out if you could sell/give the condo to me.’
So you know your brother, you know your parents better than anybody here. If you think your brother would raise heck about this. (IT’S MY CONDO! YOU CAN’T TAKE BACK A PRESENT) and your parents would back him up on it, you’ll just need to take the loss.
Your brother WBTJ in this case.
If you think your brother’s reaction would be more like ‘You are giving me a 4 bedroom duplex, of course you can take the condo.’ Then go ahead and ask.” mdervin
Honestly you should have told him that you would get him a new, bigger place if he gives you back the condo in exchange. If he agrees then you just swap and can do what you want with the condo. If not then ask if you can buy it or decide another route BEFORE you buy the duplex/house. But asking to buy it for dirt cheap is a d**k move, especially knowing that he needs the money. And why are you buying him houses in the first place? Is he offering to pay you back or is he just taking these handouts? Seems like he is taking advantage of you and you are enabling him.
12. AITJ For Not Bringing Cake To My Coworkers?
“In the company where I work, it’s tradition to bring a cake or sodas and sweets or whatever after you got married or had a baby. However, most of my coworkers are homophobic jerks and I’m a gay guy so I wanted to avoid any unpleasantness by simply not bringing cake at all or mentioning I got married to anyone.
When I got married a few weeks ago, I had to notify HR (something about tax). As I was writing the email to her, one of my coworkers was standing behind my back and saw what I was writing. He, as well as the other 2 guys in our office, congratulated me and didn’t mention it again.
However, not even 2 hours later, when most of us were having lunch in the break room, I got a whole posse of hungry people (10ish of them) confronting me about the absence of cake.
Now I do want to emphasize that I heavily dislike all of them for the homophobic stuff they’ve said in the past. Ranging from disgusting stuff I’m not sure I can even write here to the less disgusting idea that gay marriage is somehow ruining straight marriage.
I have 4 friends at work, all of who know my husband, and all of who were told about my marriage and invited to celebrate at my home over drinks and BBQ. The rest of them (17) I either don’t care for or can’t stand.
So, having said that, when they started going on about how I’m breaking the tradition of bringing in cake and even going so far as to keep it a secret, I said: I’m sorry, I just didn’t think you’d want to eat gay cake.
They looked confused and started saying huh and what and eh? until one of them asked: What’s a gay cake?
I said: I got married to a man. Considering your colorful opinions of gay people, I didn’t think you would like to eat cake celebrating the marriage of two gay men.
The responses were very different, from ‘Oh god’, to ‘I knew it’, to my favorite ‘Wow, you couldn’t have just lied?’ The next day, I got an invitation from HR that somebody reported me for creating a hostile environment, but didn’t say what for, so when I went to see the HR person, I told her the truth.
She agreed that their report was unnecessary and that she would talk to the guys that reported me, but she also said that it is sort of bad form to not bring cake, since it is tradition in the office, and not being the bigger man is making me look bad. Essentially, it’s making me look like a jerk.
She didn’t say that word, but it sure sounded like she thinks it.
So now I’m confused here… AITJ for not feeding my hateful coworkers cake?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You should have brought them cake. A great big rainbow ‘Congrats Adam and Steve!’ style cake. I mean like rainbow layer cake so that they literally could not take a bite without tasting the rainbow.
I would also be informing HR that if this is the hill they want to die on, I’ll be HAPPY to report every single person that says anything remotely homophobic to me and keep my own personal records of each incident. And that if I collected a large enough record of incidents with no changes being apparent, I would reserve the right to legal action against the company for fostering a hostile work environment.
I’d also be looking for a new job in the meantime.” Edymnion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your marriage and your relationship are not the property of your gossiping, cake greedy co-workers.
My co-workers decided not to believe I got married because I came back without a name change or a ring. They wanted to update my name on the schedule board.
I told them that nether things quantify my marriage. They were weirdly angry about it.
If anything this shows you should have reported the mistreatment to HR earlier instead of trying to weather the storm of their homophobia.” SugarKyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I hate it when jobs make you feel like you HAVE to participate in things like celebrations or the like.
Especially if it is a tradition that the person celebrating brings the goods.
Seriously it sounds like these grown adults are just ticked off that they didn’t get free cake. Talk about a major overreaction.
And what about them creating a hostile work environment for YOU with all of their homophobic bull crap?
I would also think that the terms for creating a hostile work environment would need to be more than a one-off incident.
You seriously shouldn’t be penalized for not bringing in cake, especially when so many of your coworkers have made you feel uncomfortable in the past.
That said, congrats on your marriage.” MadWitchLibrarian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! What the heck?
Getting married, having a baby, etc. are all events that cost a lot of money. Are you being reimbursed for this cake?
Tradition? So you ‘have to’ bring in food and drinks for your coworkers? That’s a work-related expense then and you should be compensated for it. I can’t believe HR would even mention ‘tradition’ as a reason to require you to bring in treats on your dime. If a company wants to incorporate a celebration of these touchpoint life milestones, they need to allocate company funds for this and even then, if the employee requests not to do it, should be respected. What the heck all around with this company.
Work-life balance. No one at your work has a right to know about your personal life. Obviously, adding your spouse or child to your benefits is different but you are under no obligation to be forced to bring food for coworkers if it’s not part of the job description.
Find a new job please.
Sounds like a crap place to work.” LeaseEndNowWhat
11. AITJ For Thinking I Was Getting Robbed?
“So this happened about 20 minutes ago. I pulled up to 7/11 for a late night/early morning Slurpee. There’s this guy standing outside the 7/11, early to mid-30s if I’d have to guess, talking to himself as I walked past him into the store. As I’m getting back in my car and about to leave, this guy approaches my car.
Thinking he was going to ask for some spare change or cash, I rolled down my window to let him know I didn’t have either on me.
Instead, he asks if I can drop him off down by the Ingles (think Food Lion/BiLo) where there was a bus stop, saying he had just finished the graveyard shift. Now I’m a late-night regular at my 7/11, and although 6 AM is a good bit later than when I usually go in, I realized after the fact that I’d never seen this man working at the 7/11 before, and there weren’t any other 24 hour places in the near vicinity.
It wasn’t a far drive, and it was raining a decent bit, so I agreed to take him down there.
As soon as he gets in my car, this dude starts repeating things like ‘man I’m a hustler man, a real-life hustler, I do this’ and talking about ‘the things I sell man, I’m a hustler’ so I try to just shake it off without much thought.
He then learns I’m somewhat local (here for school) and asks if I can instead just take him to his girl’s place. Knowing what it’s like to be in need of rides, I agree. But this is where red flags really started to pop up in my head:
He says he needs to ‘get his clothes’ from Ingles first. Ok sure?… So I pull into the Ingles parking lot (empty as could be) and this man, directing me to where his ‘stuff’ was, leads me to BEHIND the Ingles, where there’s no light, no nothing except a small road that circles around back to the parking lot (another red flag was him pulling out some cash saying ‘look I got money so don’t worry bout none of that,’ as we were in the parking lot, which I kind of-sorta laughed off).
To our surprise, there’s an 18-wheeler coming around from the back of the store, what I assume was the store’s delivery truck, and this guy gets noticeably nervous. Asking ‘man what’s this idiot doing,’ turning around to see what the truck’s doing, trying to get me to check out what’s going on, telling me to pull over to the curb and park and I finally just said ‘look dude he’s not bothering us just go get your stuff,’ so he gets out and starts jogging deeper behind the store (couldn’t really tell the terrain, it was still completely dark outside).
Now at this point, something in my head told me I was not in a good situation and I needed to get out of there. So I cut my headlights off, hit the gas, and dipped out. Since then I’ve been going back and forth between whether I just got myself out of a really bad spot or if I just left some innocent guy to wait for the bus in the rain.
So I’m here to ask you, am I the jerk for thinking this guy might’ve come back to my car with more than just his clothes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What in the cruel angel’s thesis made you believe it was a good idea to let him in your car in the first place?
Yes, you absolutely dodged a bullet, maybe literally.” Virulencer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the best case was that you gave this weird guy a lift to a place and he got out of the car and went in, and you continued on. The worst-case scenarios you can only imagine.
Inner voice was yelling at you and you listened, well done.” UsefulJeweler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You basically ditched a crazy person. Even if he wasn’t going to rob you, he could have easily just randomly attacked you for no obvious reason.” commandrix
10. WIBTJ If I Refused To Help My Friend?
“I’m a high school student. One of my classes is an AP course. For those of you who are unfamiliar, ‘Advanced Placement’ courses are college-level courses taught to high schoolers, with stricter grading and harder material, all done in less time.
One of my friends (who I’ll call X) is also in this class with me.
About a week ago, X was absent from this class. That day, my teacher assigned a group project that went like this: ‘One half of the class will finish part 1 while the other half will finish part 2. Then, the 2 halves will meet up and exchange answers.’
Don’t ask me why, I didn’t make the rules.
Anyway, I had completely forgotten about the last part until the class before the project was due. Yeah, I’m like that. Now, it so happens that X was in both the class I was in and the class where the project would be due. Remember, he was absent, so he didn’t have the project due even though I did.
Luckily, a different friend had emailed me part 2, and I had already done part 1. All I needed to do was go to my email and copy down part 2, and I would be all right. Unfortunately, my phone had broken a few days ago, so I couldn’t use it to finish the project.
This is where it gets interesting.
During a time when we were allowed to use our phones, I asked X if I could borrow his for 5 minutes to finish my project. It wouldn’t cost him data, and it wasn’t academic dishonesty.
X completely ignored my requests and continued doing what he was doing, which was scrolling through Reddit. We have a history of joking around with each other, so I made it clear to him that this was not a joke, and a good part of my grade rested on him making a small sacrifice.
Despite this, he continued scrolling, sometimes even taunting me by reading the posts he saw out loud. Because I didn’t know anyone else in the class, I was unable to access my email, and I ended up not finishing the project.
I know I said this already, but this is where it really gets good.
Remember how X didn’t have to turn in the project because he was absent? Yeah, he has to turn it in tomorrow. It turns out that he also procrastinated until the last minute, and he hasn’t done it yet. He doesn’t know anyone else in the AP class, so HE had to call ME and ask if I could send him the very project that he had refused to help me with.
It’s not like X did part 1 and needed part 2, mind you. He straight up didn’t do any of it and wanted to copy off of my entire project. X offered to give me some other homework as repayment, but he noticeably did NOT apologize.
This is the perfect moment for me to get my just revenge, and I definitely feel like I’m entitled to say no and let him suffer.
At the same time, I know it wouldn’t be the kind thing to do, and as R. J. Palacio said, ‘When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind.’
So, what should I do? WIBTJ if I got my revenge on a friend who betrayed me in my hour of need?
You decide.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I agree with what has already been said: he didn’t help you and taunted you so he isn’t entitled to your help. But also, he didn’t do ANY work. I might say it would be petty revenge if he was asking for a part, though I’m not sure. But relying on someone for the whole work while not doing anything?
Absolutely no.” ViInWonderland
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If I understand the story, you earned a zero for the project because your ‘friend’ would not let you use his phone to finish because they were too busy reading Reddit. Well, too bad then, you don’t have a ‘project’ to share, you received a zero. Maybe he can beg off of someone else, you don’t have to help.” HKatzOnline
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your ‘friend’ was perfectly ok with letting you fail and now he wants to exploit you and your work. You are under no obligation to keep him from hanging himself and if you do give him what he wants, he is going to continue to exploit you and treat you as a doormat.
Let him learn a valuable lesson that he cannot NOT help people and then expect them to help him when he needs it.” MonkeyWrench
9. WIBTJ If I Prevented My Roommate From Sleeping?
“I’ve recently moved back into the apartments at my school. I’ve never had an issue with my roommates before, and have always had a great relationship with them.
The roommates have been chosen for a few months now. However, recently, about two weeks before we moved in, I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea.
It doesn’t really affect me all that much, other than not sleeping that much, and feeling tired a lot, but I’ve been dealing with it fine.
The problem is the main symptom – I snore. I don’t know how loud it is, other than I do it, and people have mentioned it to me.
On the first night, my roommate actually left halfway through the night. I don’t know when, but I know that when I woke up, he wasn’t in the room. He came in an hour later and said he slept in the living room because I snored too loud.
I felt bad, as I knew I had essentially caused him to not get to sleep well.
I explained to him what I had just found out, myself and that I could try to figure something out.
That night, I actually slept in the living room. For the third night, I tried to sleep in my bed again, but this time with the snore strips, as well as a few other things I knew would help, like sleeping elevated, and on my side.
I actually had to sleep against the wall, because I knew I would try to roll onto my back in my sleep. My roommate said it wasn’t as loud the next day, and he actually stayed in the room, but that he still didn’t sleep well.
We talked about it, and essentially, I was willing to try to stay in the living room until October, when I would hopefully get the machine for it.
However, what made me realize I had to go to the RA and ask for advice was that he said that it’s a good thing there’s a wall outlet in the living room because then I could use the machine in there, too. From then, I felt as though he was trying to push me out of the room, which… yeah.
And that day, I went and talked to the RA, and she talked to him and told me that he’d said that she didn’t have to worry about it, because he and I had already talked, and decided to alternate sleeping in the living room. I was happy, as that would be a good compromise.
Since that day, 3 days ago, he hasn’t brought it up at all.
I know it isn’t what he signed up for. I know his sleep matters just as much as mine does. I wish I could have put it on the profile when I first was looking for roommates through the school. But there’s nothing that can be done now.
I’ve started the application process for the disability services through the school, in case they can help in any way, but I won’t hold my breath that it would be beneficial to my roommate at all. I honestly just want to have a good night’s rest, on my own bed, but I haven’t been able to, because I know it’ll hurt my roommate.
So, WIBTJ if I chose to sleep in my own bed tonight?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been honest and helpful and done everything in your power to reach a fair compromise with your roommate. You’ve worked with everyone and made thoughtful compromises. You are paying for your room, so it’s only fair you get to use it!
Until you find a long-term solution could you suggest your roommate tries earplugs? I sleep with a snorer and Mack’s silicone earplugs have really helped me. Perhaps they could also consider noise-canceling headphones? I hope you both get a good night’s sleep very soon.” jojoamethyst
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, You aren’t intentionally doing it and you just found out about it so there really isn’t much you can do.
He, on the other hand, has been kind of forced into this situation but he has been pretty patient from what I’ve seen. Hopefully, y’all can get a good sleep schedule going so you aren’t as tired all the time.” KillerSpartan71
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s really annoying for your roommate, I get it, and you should do everything you can for the disturbance to be minimal. But at the same time, he’s being a bit precious here – you know you’re sharing the room with a stranger, of course, there’ll be things that will be annoying.
If you genuinely try to minimize it (sleep on the side, nose strip, etc), he can get some earplugs and you both sleep in the same room. It’s a shared bedroom, not a 5-star hotel. If he wants a guarantee that his roommate doesn’t have any health condition that may bother him… he should get his own flat.” PurpleMuskogee
8. AITJ For Cutting Ties With My Best Friend?
“So, this all started just over a year ago when my best friend (Tim) got his first-ever partner (Pam). We used to play on Xbox a lot and my first ever exposure to Pam was on there where during the course of an hour I was called a ‘half human’ by her. I wrote these off as just Pam’s way of fitting into the group as Tim and I often insulted each other.
Soon after they had started going out Tim and I had decided to make a trip to London Comic-Con but when we told Pam she suddenly turned very cold towards us both and left the Xbox party soon followed by Tim who returned over an hour later to announce that we had been too spontaneous and that Pam suggested he shouldn’t go.
We only ever played the games Pam wanted to, any suggestions I made to play other games were shot down instantly but it was mostly Overwatch which I do enjoy. I am quite a competitive person and am generally good at sports but gaming has never been my strong point and I have always been the butt of all jokes as such.
When Pam started playing with us, I was no longer the worst player and I probably acted the same way towards her as Tim had acted towards me when I was the worst. About 6 months in I started feeling a bit more comfortable insulting her since I had insults thrown my way from her but this prompted her to become a bit more hostile.
The comments I made to try to help her play Overwatch were met with silence and on occasion, she flat out left the party chat.
She found so many reasons to stop talking to me so I started spending a bit more time with university friends and finishing up my degree instead of spending all my time gaming.
In the time I was off Xbox Pam and Tim got engaged.
This all came to a conclusion one night when she continually insulted me and I kept retorting. In the evening she also called my devout Christian housemate fake for an unknown reason and she lost her mind when I joked that Tim had or hadn’t changed since they met (I can’t remember which).
This prompted a huge wall of words in a text message from Tim (not the first) and I snapped and let him know my side of things and explained how she had been making me feel instead of apologizing as I had been made to do every time before. I found out that Pam thought I was a heavy drinker and that she ‘KNEW’ I would be a bad influence on Tim when he came back from university.
All of this made me feel like the rest of the group agreed so left me alone for months. I recently talked to a few others who said they had similar experiences with Tim and Pam. Pam has never met me in person but has changed Tim’s perception of me in 1 year after our 13 years of friendship enough that he doesn’t want to talk to me but insists to others that it is my fault and I’m starting to believe him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – some people change when they start seeing someone, honestly I was one of them. I almost ruined my friendship with someone I consider a brother because of a bad relationship I was in (thankfully he understood and just stayed with me) and I didn’t even realize it. I’d changed and couldn’t tell, looking back I was a terrible friend while I was with her.
I hope your friendship doesn’t end, but at the same time if it does I hope you find a new best friend.” SoThisIsABadUsername
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Quite an unfortunate situation all around but I don’t see how things can improve. Tim has made his choice and so have you.” DaisyInc
7. AITJ For Taking The Last Table?
“Recently I went to a very small cocktail bar with my partner, and as we walked in it was pretty much at capacity – the 5 tables were taken and the 7 bar stools filled. There was another couple hovering by the service end of the bar, and another small group hovering behind the people at the bar.
Rather than immediately try to order and awkwardly stand around the bar, I took a look around the room to scout out potential seating while my partner looked over the menu. The other couple put in their order and as the bartender started making their drinks, he asked us for ours. While my partner starts ordering, I notice one of the tables is starting to gather its belongings and clean up the table.
I turn to my partner and say, ‘hey – I’m gonna grab that table, can you bring the drinks over.’
As I walk towards the table, I ask the other couple at the bar (who are both waiting for their drinks) for a little room as I walk towards the table. They move and as I’m about to sit down at the now empty table, one of them turns and says, ‘hey – you’re not going for that table, are you?
We’ve been waiting here for a while trying to sit.’ Now, this bar has no formal queuing system, host, or really rules. Generally, if I’m really concerned about finding a seat, I try to wait to order until there’s space or hang out at a respectable distance from a group that’s clearly almost done.
If I’m desperate, I’ll ask the table if my party can take over once they’re done.
I told the person that I was heading for that table, and that there was no queue nor did they have a sense of urgency in getting the table. The person then said that they wanted it and should get it because they were in the bar longer, which is true, however, nobody is entitled to a particular spot – especially if there’s no system in place.
I apologized to the person, saying I didn’t know they wanted it, and suggested we share it since it was a fairly large spot and neither of our groups would fill the entire spot. After a short discussion, the other couple agreed, but before we could all sit together another group left and we just snagged that table (coincidentally, the couple was told to move from the original table, since the bartender wanted to be able to sit a large group that came in).
Am I the jerk in this situation, and if so how should I look to change my behavior in the future?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s first-come, first-serve. Not your fault seating wasn’t their priority and you were actively scouting. You even were accommodating by asking if they wanted to sit together. It’s not your job to keep track of everyone or the arbitrary rules they think exist. If you want a seat then you need to be diligent and look for one.
I understand that sucks, but that’s how the establishment operates.
I was recently at a bar where there was no specific organization, everyone crowds the bar, once someone gets their drinks they move and someone tries to slide into the space and order next. It has no rhyme or reason and you just have to be aggressive and get the bartender’s attention.
Well, while I was there this short girl wedged in behind me and my partner and her whole group started complaining and verbally attacking us and the people next to them trying to claim there was a line. There was no line. You weren’t paying attention and wanted to take it out on others. Get over it.” rinnerchickendinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You offered to share, which was a really good solution. If you had bulldozed past someone who was clearly waiting and had gotten distracted for a moment you would be a mild jerk, but that’s the name of the game in bars sometimes. You got to be a little bit of a jerk to get served and get a seat.” DarthCharizard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a former bartender, I’ll tell you the same thing I’d have told them. Seating is limited. First to sit gets the table. If they wanted the table, they’d have been there first, not standing around hoping no one sits down there before them.” OopsImWrongAgain
6. AITJ For Wanting To Break Off A 28 Year Friendship?
“I have this once close friend I grew up with. Years sort of pulled us apart during adulthood, but we keep in touch once in a while.
The last few years have not been kind to him as a result of many bad life choices (Use of hard illegal substances, drinking on the job, losing a dream job as a result, multiple DUIs, relationship issues, etc.).
About a year and a half ago, we got in touch and talked about rehabilitation. He was doing well until a few weeks ago when he reached out to me about a relationship he’s been wanting to get out of but not sure how to do it. Emotions are all gone, feels like a living arrangement, etc. We talked about life and basically what he wants out of it because we all make choices.
The next day he broke up with her and assured me he had a place to crash (I had offered my place).
2 weeks ago he called me saying ‘if anyone tries to reach you, I was at your place okay?’
I questioned the whole situation (because of tendencies to make bad life choices… in my opinion) and he confessed he was about to be unfaithful to his partner and his alibi is to be me.
He was also intoxicated and it was noon. So I declined and told him a piece of my mind about how unethical this whole thing is, but also how he’s back to square one: a relationship he wants out of. I didn’t question the booze given he’s lied to me so many times in the past about this.
I wouldn’t expect that topic to go well as it not once has.
A couple of days ago he sent me a text for a casual conversation, to which I didn’t reply. I’ve noticed a trend with these talks and I often end up feeling guilty about thinking I’m the one who’s letting this friendship go.
So I make plans which often fall apart because he gives a reason to cancel. I feel some of these are made up.
Anyway, today he’s asking me why I’m not replying. This is via messenger which tells him confirmation I saw his messages.
I’m not sure what to do but I realize I’m tired of this friendship.
We grew apart so much, I’m not the same person I was back then and I realize he’s not good for me in the long run given he’s got a knack for manipulative conversations and using people.
On my end, I’m progressing in my own long-term life issues and this last half-year has been great for me.
We have our history and I feel I have some faults in why we’re where we’re at given there were times I should have been there for him and just wasn’t. But at the same time I know stringing him along can result in my personal progress slowing down or even going backward.
I don’t like this, but am I a jerk for wanting to reply and telling him I’m not interested in a friendship with him until he gets his crap together?
I’ve known him for 28 years and I fear for his life in the long run.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Ghosting him isn’t the right call. He’s clearly a crappy guy, but that doesn’t mean you need to be crappy to him, ya know? I’d tell him honestly that you’re disappointed in his behavior, and you have a hard time speaking to him when you know he’s conspiring to use you for his own gain.
I might be willing to understand his position more if you were still teenagers, but you’re clearly adults. He should behave like one, and he shouldn’t be putting you in a position where you have to lie for him, especially when you don’t even approve of what he’s doing.
You’re not wrong for wanting to push him out of your life, and I think you should continue to do so.
I’ve been in your position several times. Broken people are drawn to me, and I’ve had to cut a lot of really toxic, horrible people from my life. But the key to doing it without regret is to communicate clearly. He may not understand or be able to accept it now, but it means that when you look back on the situation later you can both understand what went wrong and wash your hands of it.
And it may give him a wake-up call he really needs.
I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. It’s not fair.” FlaxFox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is well within your rights to decide that you don’t want that much chaos and unhealthy behaviors in your life. Some people never outgrow those stages and continue to behave in ways that just don’t translate to successful adulting.
Your friend sounds like one of these.
My suggestion is to just block all contact points. I feel like a discussion of these issues is only going to result in an argument, or him trying to justify his behaviors.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’ve been in a similar situation with a good friend who would always guilt trip me for not corresponding with what he would consider being a good friend.
The best thing I did, for myself, was let it go, when any kind of relationship gets toxic we got to leave, somehow they make us enablers (or only want us as such) and we can’t actually help.
Give some room for yourself, you are not responsible for his decisions or actions.” gabesfrigo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not obligated to stay in a toxic friendship (or relationship) just because you’ve known him for 28 years. But I do feel like 28 years has probably earned him the right for you to be honest and upfront with him with regards to why you’re distancing yourself.” sephiroth3650
5. AITJ For Reporting My Coworker?
“So this story happened a couple of years ago when I was still in high school. I was about 17 at the time and worked as a hostess at a hibachi restaurant for a couple of months. It was easy, and I didn’t struggle too much but the work environment was… weird?
I ended up leaving because of two reasons: one, the boss (40ish, M) was creepy. And two, one of the other hostesses/waitresses HATED me. I always knew she didn’t like me but the last straw was when she blamed ME for charging a customer a $20 tip. It very obviously wasn’t my fault because I didn’t even work on the day it happened, she was.
(Side note, this woman was like 30ish. An actual adult hating on a teenager.)
Anyway, now you know the vibe. Well, one weekend a friend of mine came down and wanted to go to that restaurant bc she had liked it before. Because I don’t really hold grudges and it was just lunch, I figured why not.
The food was good and I missed my friend and wanted to make her happy, so we go and I offered to cover her meal.
Lo and behold, the woman who hated me was our waitress. Again, whatever. My friend ended up ordering A LOT more than I thought, which was fine, but I was still a high school student and didn’t have a ton of money.
I think I ended up tipping around $5 on a $40 bill, which is a dollar shy of 15%. I even wrote a little note on the bill saying sorry that I couldn’t tip more and that I’d make it up to her next time I came in.
All is well, right? Wrong.
About a week later on social media, I see I have a message from an account that doesn’t follow me.
I click on it and see that it’s that waitress and she was losing her mind at me over DMs. Cursing, calling me broke, saying that I didn’t tip her enough and that she ‘better not see me back in that restaurant.’ I was freaked out, to say the least. Not only had she gone out of her way to find my account because she didn’t follow me, she decided it was ok to freak the heck out on me.
And, I was a TEENAGER, a MINOR, and she was a full adult.
I immediately told my boss about it, but being the jerk he was he didn’t even respond. I then messaged her back saying that it was completely inappropriate of her to message me like that and that I tipped the best I could.
She retorted that I should have tipped her more bc we were ‘work friends’ (we were not) and that I knew she was pregnant and had kids (I did not.)
When I didn’t respond, two of her friends from work then also found my account and cursed me out, all of them threatening me if they ever saw me again, and I immediately sent screenshots to the boss.
I’m not sure if they ever got in trouble but considering how upset they were that I reported them, I’m assuming they did. Haven’t gone back since. Honestly, the sushi was overpriced. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing. Nobody is ‘owed’ extra tips just because they happen to pop out kids, and no one is entitled to harass someone just because they didn’t leave ‘enough’ of a tip.
As others have mentioned, you could have easily taken screenshots of their messages to the cops.” commandrix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and if that was a chain restaurant I’d be screenshotting those texts and sending them to corporate!
The bottom line is tipping is NOT required. You could have left her nothing, and you even tipped ABOVE what is generally considered ‘minimum’ (10%).
Heck, let me be honest. Depending on the nature of the ‘threats’ you mentioned, I would have been calling the cops.” Edymnion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what this woman and her coworkers did was incredibly inappropriate. Even if you weren’t a teenager and the messages weren’t hostile, tracking down a customer’s social media to message them after you waited their table is just plain wrong.
You did the right thing and honestly, I would have escalated it further once the other women got involved.” soundlikebutactually
4. AITJ For Telling My Friend What His Partner Did?
“So just to start off I’ll state my bias: I personally think that this particular relationship needs to end as it’s become so incredibly toxic for various reasons which I won’t go into but needless to say their behavior has not been good. Now that that is out of the way, on to the story.
One of my friends has been in a relationship with this girl for nearly 3 years and in that time she’s become good mates with all of his mates. In the last year or so, however, they’ve been having a lot of trouble. He’s very very flirty with everyone and especially when he’s had a few, but he has never been unfaithful, which is an understandable issue to her.
She then breaks up with him and her reasons were that she couldn’t trust him. They then very quickly got back together for a couple of months and she broke up with him again for the exact same reason.
I then hear through the rumor mill that she slept with someone else about 1 week after the second break-up.
I asked her about it and she confessed and asked me not to tell him cause she promised me (and my flatmate who found out independently) that she would tell him soon. Obviously, they weren’t officially together but still not the nicest thing to do. Fast forward about a month and she’s been staying at his house for the last week and it seems that they are back together again.
This continues for another 3 months or thereabouts.
Turns out she’s going through a rough patch with her family and the first thing she did was go back to him which seems to me like using him as an emotional crutch as she was adamant that she didn’t want to be with him before this all happened. It’s then been about 6 months since the 2nd breakup
One night my friend comes to stay at my house and while we’re chatting he brings her up and says how things are going great again and he thinks they’ll be completely back together soon and goes on like this for a while, I quickly realize from his story that he still has no idea what she did and that she’s essentially sworn one of his best mates to secrecy on a promise of honesty that she never kept.
I felt like I couldn’t just sit there knowing what I know with him talking about how great things were going, and so I told him. He was understandably very upset but seemed to take it quite well. Now things seem to be fine with them again but she is very unhappy with me for telling him and I worry that she’ll affect his opinion of me because of it.
So in all this: am I the jerk for telling him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yes, they weren’t together, no he didn’t really have the right to know, and then she said she’d tell him because this was something that would obviously have impacted his views on her. And then she kept her mouth shut.
At that point is when he had the right to know. If I was in his position, I’d want to know. It has nothing to do with her being faithful, they aren’t together at the time when she did the deed. People tend to treat hooking up as something very cavalier but ignore all the potential baggage that can come with it.
Baggage that can be handed off to other people. Anybody has the right to know what their partners are up to bedroom-wise when they’re going through a rough patch.” KarathSolus
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You shouldn’t have butt into their relationship, but his partner shouldn’t have lied about telling him the truth.
Also, they were broken up, so it’s not like she was unfaithful.
Especially if they aren’t ‘fully’ back together after 6 months. It’s not like it was a ‘we took a week off to have some time apart’ type of thing. They were broken up, and still haven’t fully gotten back together. She did nothing wrong by sleeping with someone else. The only thing she did wrong was lie to you.
It wasn’t really your place to out her though, because you promised you wouldn’t.” jfs556
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They were broken up, she was a single woman at that point. Women don’t owe it to their partners to tell them about every encounter they’ve had while single. Your buddy didn’t have the right to know, she was under no obligation to tell him.
You basically tried to blackmail her with this when she did nothing wrong. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t like you, it was crappy of you to do that.” WillowTreeSystem
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it’s none of your business, and because they were not together at the time, it’s none of his business.
She has every reason to dislike you, and you have no right to pry in her personal business (even asking her that question was way out of line) or to judge her for how or when she goes back to her ex.” The1WhoKnocks-WW
3. AITJ For Warning My Friend That Photoshopping Her Pictures Has Consequences?
“So years ago I had this friend, I wouldn’t say we were close friends, we never really talked through social media, just at gatherings, parties, etc., but we got on really well when we did.
Now this friend, she’s quite a ‘big’ person and loves taking photos of herself for her social media. At the time she started to Photoshop her pics to make herself look thinner and it was so obvious that people were making fun of her behind her back. This had gone on for a while and more and more people were talking about it and I felt so bad for her – no one was telling her and she seemed oblivious to it so I decided to do something about it.
Okay so, I decided to privately message her to bring it to her attention and I tried to word it as nicely as possible.
I don’t have the original message but what I basically said was that I’ve noticed she’s been photoshopping her photos and that it is quite obvious and I just wanted to let her know in case people start making fun of her behind her back.
I also mentioned how she’s a beautiful person and doesn’t even need to Photoshop herself to make her look better and I mentioned that I understand it helps her feel better but that she should try to find something else for her as this is only going to make her feel worse eventually. Again, I was trying to be as nice as possible about it and just inform her of the mistakes and remind her she doesn’t need it.
I told her as well that I was only looking out for her because I didn’t want anyone to make fun of her for it since she doesn’t deserve that.
This was a long paragraph, so I sent it and awaited a response – it wasn’t long until she responded but it was definitely not what I was expecting.
Her response was so hostile, she told me that I ruined her holiday (I had no idea she was on holiday until she mentioned it) and that she broke down crying in front of her entire family and that her mum is shocked and disappointed in my behavior. She also said I was a disgusting, horrible, cruel person for even messaging her that and that she thought we were friends and no longer wants to speak to me.
I replied apologizing that she took it the wrong way but I tried to tell her that it wasn’t my intent to make her feel horrible, I was only looking out for her but she didn’t see it that way at all.
She blocked me on all social media and started telling people how horrible I am.
I showed my best friend and partner the message I sent her and asked them if they believed I was horrible in it and they both said I wasn’t, but it still bothers me now in case I was in the wrong.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Why not have given her the benefit of the doubt instead of taking the approach that she was purposefully being deceptive?
I truly do believe that social media is warping the perceptions and bodily expectations of people to the point where skin smoothing or liquifying a waistline is considered the norm. Even I know people who use Facetune and other photoshop features to ‘better’ their appearances without turning themselves into different people. Example: A friend with hyperpigmentation and bumps in real life from acne has smooth skin online; a friend of a friend pushed in a muffin top from her shorts being a little too tight in a sitting pose and got rid of leg cellulite in her profile photo.
When other people are putting their ‘best foot forward’ online, I think a lot of folks feel the pressure. Couldn’t someone feel a little called out and picked on for photoshopping when it’s so widely pushed and accepted? Maybe she truly did just get caught up in it and didn’t realize how extreme it became over time.
Image issues don’t just happen overnight, do they?
It would have sounded more out of goodwill if you stated that you noticed a trend in her pictures where she looks different than how she does in real life and had asked her about it. As opposed to telling her that she’s being laughed at. Which by the way, implicates that you either were laughing along with everyone or knew about it but have been letting it go on for a while.
It didn’t really add anything. With how you said it there’s no way she’s walking away from the message without feeling embarrassed and losing face. Which brings me to the next point.
How close are you two? Do you normally communicate? If you weren’t great friends, then I could understand how she, with her self-esteem issues, would go on the defensive at an acquaintance messaging out of the blue to let her know that the world is laughing.
Adding that she looks pretty anyway sounds patronizing given the context (if she’s ‘big’ as you say then no one needs to tell you how the world actually isn’t so nice and accepting of finding bigger women attractive). She’s thinning herself because she’s been convinced that she’s not attractive, and less scrupulous internet denizens would have no problems telling her that.
As for her: She didn’t have to call you horrible. She didn’t have to go to mommy to cry and seek validation because she felt someone was mean to her on the internet. What she needs is thicker skin. If she wants to photoshop then fine, but own up to it and don’t get mad at other people pointing it out.
If she intends to change nothing about her weight, then she needs to do better to accept how she looks and accept how other people will not be accepting of how she looks.” lurkercompelled2post
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say ESH. I get that you meant well and wanted to help, OP, but as a fat person myself, oof.
That sort of message is not something you want unsolicited. Finding out that people know you’ve been altering your pictures because it’s ‘obvious’ must be devastating. No wonder she was crying. Good intentions, bad execution.
Also, apologizing for somebody taking what you said the wrong way is a terrible way to apologize. It doesn’t communicate remorse or express empathy, and it implies that’s she being irrational or over-reacting.
Whether her pain was justified or not, it was still pain and that’s still valid. A better tactic would have been to apologize for hurting her and for upsetting her while on holiday. Yes, you didn’t mean to upset her, but treading on someone’s foot by accident is still treading on someone’s foot.
So you are a bit of a jerk, OP, but only a little, and accidentally at that.
Having said that, her issues with her body image and self-esteem are her stuff, not yours, and she’s not using healthy coping mechanisms to deal with her pain. Blocking you everywhere and telling other people how horrible you are is just unnecessary. All emotions are valid but not all behaviors are: hers are definitely not cool.
So she definitely sucks too.” TentedCrib4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the way you went about this. Basically, because of the level of friends you were, and that you twisted the truth, you sounded like you were trolling/bullying her. It came off like you didn’t actually care, but were deliberately trying to make her self-conscious, and then shared screenshots and laughed at her behind her back.
This partly came from you saying this to her out of the blue, as a person who is an acquaintance, but not actually her friend – you said you never even texted her before! Of course it seemed ‘off’ for you to do this.
Second, you said, ‘people might make fun of her behind her back’ instead of telling her that people ARE making fun of her, and who they are.
The right way to handle this would’ve been to skip the assessment of her photoshop skills or her appearance and say the actual truth: ‘Acquaintance, I have heard people laughing at your social media photos. I know we’re not close, but I think it’s crappy and I would want to know if I were you.
This sucks, and I’m sorry.’
She still might have shot the messenger, but probably not.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
As the type of person who is frequently blunt and unafraid to point out unpleasant things to people, I have learned that it’s always better to ask if you can give someone advice before you launch into it.
A simple ‘Hey, I saw your pictures and wanted to offer you a suggestion for the future if you’re interested.’ That allows her to decide if she wants the unsolicited advice or not.
That being said, I won’t say she overreacted because I can imagine how hurtful it was, but she went a bit far by telling everyone that you’re a terrible person.” nyorifamiliarspirit
2. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Seat?
“I was at a train station a couple of days ago and it was super hot, the sun was very strong and there was no shelter or indoor waiting area.
The only shade was in the shadow of an overpass that linked the two platforms and coincidentally there was a bench in that shade patch. It’s only big enough for two people as it’s one of those benches which is made up of two separate seats with armrests. The other seat was taken by an elderly lady.
After 5 mins or so, this girl comes over and asks if she can have my seat. I’m pretty reluctant because my feet hurt from swelling up in the heat, so I ask if she could sit on a free bench way down the platform which is in the sun. She’s probably 5ft tall and has like 3 huge luggage bags so I get why she wants to sit down but I’m not super keen on leaving my shady spot.
She seems a bit put out and explains that she has to be in the shade for medical reasons. This seems shady (no pun intended… OK slightly intended) to me so I ask why. She gets a bit defensive and says she’d rather not say, so it seems to me like she just wants the best seat, which I’ve already got and don’t super want to give up.
I tell her that she’s welcome to stand next to me in the shade and she says she has to sit down because of the bags and her medical reason. I’m pretty sure she’s playing me now so I ask her again what the reason is. She gets a bit irritated at being asked but when I won’t move she eventually tells me she’s on some substance called Isotretinoin (yes I googled the spelling) and it makes her skin ridiculously sensitive to the sun and gives her horrible joint pain so she can’t stand for long.
I pointed out then that she doesn’t have a hat so she’s not taking the precautions she should in the sun in that case, and I don’t see why I should sit in the sun because she forgot a hat when her skin is super sensitive to the sun. She admits she left it behind and that’s why she needs to be in the shade.
I tell her that it’s not my problem and she can sit on the floor in the shade if she has to. The train is due in 5 so she’ll cope. She’s pretty upset by this point (angry, not sad) but she sits on the floor until the train comes.
AITJ? I honestly don’t see why I should have been uncomfortable in the sun just because she was neglectful of her own health.
I feel like it wasn’t my responsibility.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ mostly for continually asking her about her medical reasons. Like how would you feel if it was the other way around? No one likes being pressured into revealing medical conditions.
Also, I do sympathize with the girl as I’ve been on Isotretinoin tablets and it is mostly used for severe and persistent acne.
The side effects can get pretty crappy, the most common is dry flaky skin which is super sensitive. I’ve been out with factor 50 sunscreen while also staying in the shade and my face just burned. The joints I can’t comment on as I never really experienced that side effect but have heard from many others it can be quite bad.
I’d have leaned towards NTJ if you’d at least given her a reason why you didn’t want to vacate your seat.” SmellsLikeRainyDays
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone with medical sun sensitivity, I think she was unreasonable. She could have sat next to you in the shade no problem. Her joints would have been fine sitting on luggage or the floor, public benches are often harder and more painful than luggage anyways.
It doesn’t even matter in this case that she didn’t have a hat, because there was space for her to sit on the floor in the shade or on one of her pieces of luggage. It seems like she just didn’t feel like sitting on the floor, and wanted to use her (likely real) medical condition to get her way.
That being said, if there wasn’t any more space in the shade for her, you would definitely be TJ for prodding for more information on her medical condition. Just knowing someone has a sun sensitivity is enough; It’s exhausting to explain a diagnosis to people all the time just to exist safely.” oblivious_pan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, so so much, especially for pressing her so much about it. You could have just said ‘I’m sorry but I don’t feel so well either and need to stay seated’. Making her explain her whole condition and not even giving her the seat in the end is so rude. Maybe it was just for acne, but it’s not rare for medication to be used for other things than its intended use.
I used antidepressants as a painkiller because on a small dosage it worked well. And as someone with chronic health issues, people like you are the reason I sometimes stand when I shouldn’t because I don’t want this kind of drama.” tempestelunaire
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you continued asking/pressing her after she said ‘medical reasons.’ A lot of people have disabilities that involve sun sensitivity and aren’t outwardly noticeable (medication and also illnesses like lupus, and MCAS).
And even wearing a hat plus sunscreen isn’t enough, I don’t know why she owed you an explanation if you could stand for 5 minutes yourself in the sun/shade next to her (besides your feet hurting I assume you are able-bodied?)
However, ESH because clearly, the station should have had way more accommodations/seating/shade.” Loupmoon
1. AITJ For Selling My Housemate's Old Clothes?
“I (21F) am a postgraduate student in the UK. For the past year, my housemate (27M) has been an absolute nightmare – throwing parties during deadline week, stealing things, and being generally rude, messy, and inconsiderate.
Any time we complained, he refused to admit he was in the wrong and would often respond with some sort of petty vengeance. I tried my best to be reasonable, telling him he was welcome to use my kitchenware (not food) as long as he washed up after himself, but with two exceptions: that he couldn’t use my wok, which apart from being my only semi-expensive item, was gifted to me by a family member who has since passed, and that he couldn’t cook or eat shellfish with my things as I am severely allergic and was worried about contamination.
A week later, I come home to find him cooking paella with my wok. He claimed that he ‘forgot’ he wasn’t supposed to.
He was constantly stealing food. One of the many times I caught him red-handed – eating a previously unopened box of chocolates with a note addressed to me from my partner attached – his excuse was that I shouldn’t mind him eating my food because I have a scholarship and he doesn’t.
While this is true, his family sends him a LOT of money, whereas my scholarship was granted partially due to financial need. I wouldn’t be able to study here without it, and I still sometimes struggle to make ends meet, so having someone constantly eating my food was really upsetting.
My housemate moved out before I did, leaving me with some ‘tasks’ he forgot to do himself, one of which was to take a few bags of clothes to the charity shop.
He specifically said he didn’t want them and that I should donate them. Well, these were really nice clothes, expensive brands in very good condition. I saw an opportunity and selected a couple of items that I estimated I could sell on eBay for maybe £30, a little over a week’s worth of food for me.
Actually, they ended up selling for almost £50. It’s hard to estimate how much the food he stole throughout the year would add up to, so I can’t really say how fair that is, but I’d guess it’s close enough.
What I feel bad about is that the clothes were meant to go to a charity shop.
Having given it some thought, I feel more like I’ve stolen from a charity than back from him, as the shop could have made money from those clothes had I not sold them myself. I feel like what I’ve done is against my own moral code. I thought about donating the money I made to charity, but in my current financial situation, £50 is too precious to donate all at once.
I may do so at a later stage, or in increments, just to ease my conscience.
I don’t think I’m a massive jerk for selling his stuff as such, seeing as he didn’t want it, but probably am TJ for not passing on what was meant to be a charitable donation. But what do others think – AITJ?
Edit: Just to clarify, I did donate the rest of the clothes, just not the two items I picked out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – first of all, congrats on putting up with an obnoxious flatmate while working and studying. Secondly, it was only 2 pieces of clothing. As you said, he stole a lot of your food, probably much more than £50.
Don’t let yourself feel bad about selling them and getting some money that you are probably going to use on groceries. Even if you use it on something else, good for you, treat yourself. Also, why did he care if you got a scholarship and he didn’t? Don’t let yourself feel like you don’t deserve any benefits or help, and then feel bad about getting some easy funds.
You didn’t hurt or harm anyone by selling those clothes, and there is a full bag left for the charity shop. A full bag that he generously left you to deal with. Thirdly, woks are great and should be treated with respect.
To sum up, good luck with your studies and finding a nice new flatmate!” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I work for a charity thrift store and it’s normal to mark down clothes significantly, as in we’ve sold a three hundred dollar winter coat for thirty bucks. Brand names aren’t taken seriously, the goal is to get as much turnover as possible because you’re more likely to find five people who will buy a nice ten-dollar item than one person to buy an expensive brand fifty-dollar one and we constantly have new stuff coming in.
You’re using that money for necessities as well, there’s no reason to feel guilty because the value of the items would have just vanished away upon donation.” yaypal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because his debt to you would take priority over a charitable gift. If he had given you a wad of cash and said, ‘I don’t want this anymore, get rid of it for me by giving it to charity,’ you would obviously have been within your rights to take some out of it for what he owed you first. Here it goes even further because you put the work in by putting the items up for sale.
So don’t feel like you’ve stolen anything from a charity here: he’s given less to a charity than he would have, because he had debts to pay off first.” silendra
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Yes, he was a terrible housemate, but that really isn’t relevant to this particular interaction.
You sold stuff that wasn’t yours.
And even worse, that stuff was destined for a charity. So yes, you are TJ.” Swiollvfer
