People Crave An Answer To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
17. AITJ For Not Grieving My Aunt's Passing The Way My Wife Wants Me To?
“I [35m] am married to a woman named Jess [26f]. We dated for two years before marriage and have been married for one year now.
Most of my family has passed away, but I have (or rather had) one aunt from my mother’s side.
My aunt Jill took an active role in raising me, making sure I was fed and clothed when my mother was unable or unwilling, which was often. We kept in touch, but living across the country from her, she and Jess never met.
Yesterday morning I got the news that my aunt Jill had suddenly passed away. I was in shock because she was still young and her life was taken prematurely in an accident. I immediately told Jess.
Jess was sympathetic at first, but I told her that I needed a while to be in my room.
I went to my room, where I kind of just mindlessly spaced out browsing through a news site.
At some point Jess knocked on my door and told me that I needed to talk about it, to which I responded I appreciated the sentiment, but I really just needed to be alone. Jess reacted harshly to this, saying I was an “emotional black hole.” Then she slammed my door shut and literally stomped away.
For the next two hours, every 10-15 minutes or so, Jess would open my door abruptly and half shout asking if I was ready to “be an adult.” I grew increasingly impatient until I just stood up and went out for a walk.
When I got back home about an hour later, the chain was locked on our front door (which we never use), and I repeatedly knocked/pushed the doorbell until Jess said that she’d only let me in if I agreed to talk about what happened. I said no, so Jess walked away.
Eventually, she unlocked it because I kept pounding on the door and she didn’t want me “embarrassing her in front of the neighbors.”
Jess is furious at me now, saying that I’m not really grieving because I’m online.
She said that I needed to let her in on my feelings, but I responded that it’s hard to let her in on my feelings when she just refused to let me into our house.
That set her off even more.
Am I being a mega jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have to ask why are you with her?! She has more red flags than a 3 ring circus during the summer in Georgia.
For starters, there’s a special place in the underworld for people who decide to literally lock their SO, WHO LITERALLY JUST LOST A MAJOR PARENTAL FIGURE WHO RAISED THEM, out of the house because their..
hold on… checks notes… grieving wasn’t “acting like an adult”… and then… checks notes again.. only decided to let them in after they were “embarrassing her in front of the neighbors”.
Wow, just… wow.. OP, run, do not walk, run away from this woman.
This is NOT how a partner should behave when there’s a death of a major family member.
This is just… please see this as the marinara flag your wife is waving, and it only gets worse from here.” sonicANIME2019
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone keeps going on about how everyone grieves in their own way, but that’s giving your wife too much credit.
She’s not throwing a tantrum because she thinks you aren’t grieving properly, she’s throwing a tantrum because you haven’t made your grief all about her.
She’s displaying some extremely selfish and narcissistic behavior here. Someone important to you died, and she’s mad you’re not making her the center of this experience. She wants this to be all about her. She only let you back into the house because it was embarrassing her, not because she realized she’d just locked her grieving husband out of the house.
This is the reddest of flags. Where is her empathy? She’s so caught up in wanting to be your shoulder to cry on that she’s become a bully. Who berates someone who just lost a loved one?
Who locks someone out of their own house when they’re grieving? This woman does not have your well-being in mind. I know they say you shouldn’t make big life decisions while grieving, but you should consider separating.
This isn’t a situation where you should meet halfway. This isn’t a communication problem where she handled it badly and you should open up more. She couldn’t even give you an hour to process your aunt’s death.
She’s a horrible, unsupportive, emotional vampire. Run.” tristanitis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one should judge another’s grief (unless your method of grieving actually harms you or others). Not wanting to immediately talk about it is completely normal. You have had a shock.
Everyone grieves in their own way.
Jenn not respecting your request for alone quiet time and then locking you out of your home because you didn’t want to talk about it and then saying you embarrassed her is the problem here.
Even if Jess is a therapist, she is not your therapist and should not be pushing you to talk even if she was. What is Jess’s problem? One of the most common sentiments to a grieving person is “I am here for you when you want to talk about it.” That when is determined by the grieving person, it can be never.
Condolences on your loss.” EquivalentTwo1
16. AITJ For Telling My Partner That How She Talks About Her Car Is Embarrassing?
“I’ve (25) been with my girl (23) for about 9 months now. When she turned 21, her parents gave her a car, and she decided to name it Angie. I learned all this the first time we went out, when she said, “Angie took me here.” I thought that was odd but let it slide.
Throughout our relationship, she’s always talked about her car as if she’s talking about another person. When she got a flat tire on the highway a few months back, she called me and said that “Angie’s shoe broke and has to get a new one.” When she goes to the car wash she describes it as “giving Angie a bath.”
This all came to a head this weekend when me and my friends went out drinking, and my girl offered to be the designated driver. We were out for a couple of hours, and I admittedly got a bit too intoxicated. When my girl came to pick us up, she said she was stopping at the gas station first “to get Angie something to drink.”
This is where I may be the *****. I told her I think it’s weird and embarrassing of her to talk about her car like that. It’s a machine, not a pet or a kid, and that she should treat it like how a normal person would treat any machine.
She got very quiet and refused to say anything for the rest of the drive home. She dropped off my friends, and then drove to my apartment. I asked her why we weren’t going back to hers, and she said she needed some time to think and told me to get out.
She’s been radio silent since then, and I’m starting to think I did something wrong. AITJ for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“There are always people who treat their environment differently to you. Either respect them and leave them to their perfectly acceptable choices, or ****.
Everyone has quirks, and part of being in a relationship is accepting and even loving those odd little behaviors and foibles. Trying to embarrass someone – anyone – in front of our friends is something no one should consider acceptable, however.
It’s just bullying, and it tells me she’s definitely better off without you. If one of my friends did something like that to someone, I’d reconsider our friendship too. Being intoxicated is no excuse. Get a handle on yourself and apologize to her (and Angie) as publicly as you called her out.
It doesn’t mean she’ll forgive you, but you might have some hope of becoming a decent human being.
Yes, we cried when our first little van died. We still have his number plate on the wall.
It’s a natural human behavior to anthropomorphize the objects we form relationships with. A bad workman blames his tools; a good workman names them.
YTJ.” the_esjay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I named my car too, but ALWAYS referring to it like a pet or person IS creepy for an ADULT to do all the time.
I would get fed up and embarrassed too if my partner always referred to his car like that.” Zen_Kitten-1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. my mom is the same way. Every gosh darn thing she owns or comes near has a name.
Our tractor is named Lucille. All the little knick-knacks, too, have names. It’s mental and it drives me bonkers because sometimes it takes me a good long minute to realize that the ‘Barry’ she’s talking about isn’t an actual person named Barry but a freaking metal owl-thing she’s got in her garden.
It’s idiosyncratic and it’s kind of weird, but I keep my mouth shut because that’s a stupid battle to pick for me, and, apparently, for you. Some people are like that.
You owe your girl an apology, and you might want to think about your relationship status overall because I gotta tell ya, that’s a thing that’s not ever going to change about her.
If it bugs you this much now, it’s going to drive you mad.” evilsir
15. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Keep Her Stepdaughter Away From Me?
“My mom married Jeff when I was 6 years old. My dad died two months earlier, but my parents were divorced at the time. Jeff and his daughter Emma lived in another state, and all four of us moved to a new place to “start over.” I met Jeff and Emma 2 weeks after my dad died. Mom made a fast move because she now could with dad not able to stop her.
Right from the get go Emma has been clingy, possessive and kinda a little creepy too.
I didn’t like her from the first day we met because she told me Jeff was my dad now and that I needed to learn how to be a family with them because she wanted a sister and a mom.
It upset me so bad because I was missing my dad, he wasn’t gone that long, and I had this strange girl tell me to replace him already. I told her that her dad wasn’t my dad, and I missed my dad.
She told me she didn’t care and things were different. I went to my mom who told me to give Emma and Jeff a chance and said Emma likely got overexcited.
Emma has continuously made life so awkward for me.
She insisted we share a bedroom, which my mom and Jeff said yes to despite having a spare bedroom. She started wearing my clothes and telling me I could wear hers. All fine with mom and Jeff.
She hated how I kept in touch with my best friend from back home. Hated it even more when a year later my best friend’s family moved nearby and we got to see each other again vs just talking over the phone.
She was rude to her, told her to leave me alone, told me I had to spend time with her instead of my best friend.
Emma tore up photos of my dad and told me that he was “the past” and her and Jeff were “the future”.
She did get into trouble for that but then I got into trouble for not letting it go. I was 9 at the time I think. Emma tells everyone I’m her sister and we’re so close.
Whereas I am more honest with the people I am close to and don’t hold back on how unhappy I am at home.
Over the years nothing has changed much. Only she’s far more obsessive now.
Jeff doesn’t like me because he really doesn’t like that I don’t consider him my dad, and I will be honest, I don’t think of him as a parental figure even though I know he is.
I don’t love him and I hate Emma. Which he also knows. My mom has talked to me before about being nicer to Emma and to stop pushing her away so much.
She got on my case again about it because I wouldn’t go to camp with Emma (we’re both 16 now btw) that she wanted to go to, that allowed almost like a sibling experience.
Emma went solo and I stayed. So mom was at me and at me and I eventually kinda snapped and told mom that she needed to fix how possessive Emma is and do better by me, because I’m her daughter, I lost my dad, and she threw me into such a messed up dynamic and never cared about what it did to me.
I told her at the very least she needs to keep Emma away from me.
Mom was mad and said I portrayed Emma like some sort of bad person. She’s still mad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Emma is some sort of bad person.
Describing this as “thrown into a messed up dynamic” is the perfect way to put it, you never even had time to grieve your father before being told you had a new one (who doesn’t like you because you don’t see him as a father which isn’t how being a step-parent works).
It sounds like everyone had this idea of their perfect family life and they resent you for having human feelings rather than just going along with it.
It doesn’t sound like this family is in to therapy but if you can talk to your guidance counselor, your school might have free mental health resources that might help you work through your grief for your dad.
Most importantly remember that you’ve made it this far, a few more years and you never have to see anyone you don’t want to see. I know it feels like forever but it will pass and you will get through it.
Build your friends and connections with their families because it sounds like your own is not very supportive.
Good luck.” Angry-poutine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How could you see Jeff as a parental figure when he has failed so spectacularly at making you feel safe in your own home?
He needs to get his lil demon seed child under control. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and that your mom has checked out from her job as a parent.
Because here is the thing.
Hypothetically speaking, even if the issue was that you were pushing people away because you had trouble adjusting to the new family dynamic, and even if Emma and Jeff were the healthiest and nicest people, you would STILL deserve to have your boundaries respected. You would still deserve to have your own private space, your own belongings, and your own friends.
Trying to force you to merge into a sibling dynamic with Emma would backfire under the best of circumstances, and Emma’s behavior has ensured that these are NOT the best of circumstances.” crockofpot
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ.
You were on the right track with what you said because you tried to get your mom to look at the big picture instead of treating Emma’s behavior like a series of unrelated, isolated incidents.
It was wrong for your mom to steamroll through your grief. It was wrong to try to force you to accept a replacement father figure whom you’d only just met. It was wrong to ignore or support all of Emma’s repeated violations of your personal boundaries.
It was wrong to expect that you’re the one who has to make the personal sacrifices to make your mom, stepdad, and harasser feel good about the household dynamics.
Your mom has done a really poor job in terms of respecting your feelings.
It sounds like she has only viewed these changes from her own perspective, that of a divorced parent who couldn’t move on in their life because of their co-parenting obligations, who was then free to proceed when her ex died.
But that was your father, whom you loved, for whom you had little opportunity to grieve. Your mom seems to have fast-forwarded through all the difficult transitions in life and failed to do the work.
You needed time to develop a “bonus dad” relationship with Jeff. You needed time to develop friendship and boundaries with Emma — that could’ve become sisterhood if it weren’t forced and Emma was taught to respect you.
Your mom messed up big, by trying to pretend that all the stresses related to blending a family were resolved before you ever had an opportunity to get your thoughts in order about your losses.
I wish I had great advice for you. Talking to a counselor might help. It might not. I hope you have some kind of adult support in your life who respects you as an individual person and is willing to hear your genuine thoughts and feelings, instead of what your mom wants your thoughts and feelings to be.” Hekili808
14. AITJ For Calling Out My Adoptive Parents For Not Paying For My College?
“I’m 17 and the youngest in the family. I was adopted at the age of 4, my biological mom was best friends with my adoptive mom and she adopted me after my biological mom passed away.
Any reference to parents below refers to my adoptive parents.
I have three older siblings. My parents covered their college tuition in full and then covered law and medical school for two of them as well (the other sibling didn’t go to grad school).
They also gave them a stipend to cover living expenses.
I talked to my parents about college and what help I can expect and surprisingly they told me there won’t be any help because they don’t have anything left after they’d paid for my siblings.
I wasn’t expecting a similar level of support but I was expecting some kind of help, my mom told me that my bio mom didn’t leave me anything for my college so I’ll be on my own.
So I asked if this is really about finances or if this is about me being adopted and not their real son. They were offended but reassured me that they genuinely can’t afford it after they purchased a condo for my sister earlier this year and it takes a few years for their finances to recover so it’s just my bad luck that this has coincided with me going to college and there’s nothing they can do now.
I called them out and told them that I’m not buying this explanation at all and they wouldn’t be doing this to me if I were their biological child, my dad reminded me that I’m acting in an entitled way and should instead learn that we don’t always get what we want.
He told me that most parents can’t fund their children’s college tuition and I’m acting like I’m entitled to a tuition-free college when I’m not. But my point has been about being treated unfairly compared to my siblings.
In the end, they told me that they don’t really need my permission or approval to support any of their kids and I just need to accept that this is their decision. I said in that case they also need to accept that I believe I’m being treated differently because I’m adopted and their answers have not been convincing.
They told me I’m being an entitled brat.
Now I fear that I may have overstepped and indeed maybe I am being a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe a little tiny bit YTJ.
Nobody owes you jack.
Not your parents; not your adoptive parents; not people on the street. Unless you are holding a signed promissory note, anything you get from other people is essentially charity.
Your adoptive parents saved you from foster care, out of the goodness of their hearts.
Even if they came to you and said, “Well, we put all our ‘real’ children through school and that’s all the funds,” you are ahead of where you would be if they never decided to take you in in the first place.
Heck, if you were their biological child and they said they had decided to pay for your siblings and not you solely because they liked your siblings better than they like you, you really do not have a legitimate complaint.
And if it makes you feel any better, college is really, really over-rated.” substantial-freud
Another User Comments:
“They never planned to pay; buying your sister a condo is a convenient excuse. If they planned to pay, they would have set aside something for you.
It’s not like you going to college is a sudden surprise.
This advice is based on USA experiences: I would highly suggest going to community college for your general education, as it is generally cheaper.
I would also look at getting emancipated from your parents. If they can afford to pay for these things for your siblings, then their income is going to screw you out of grants and other income-based funds for school.
If you don’t have a part-time job, look for one. And if you need any advice about how to pay for school, PM me. I’ve helped several of my wife’s students with these sorts of things when parents were unwilling to help.
NTJ, and I feel for you. I don’t ever want a single kid that I ever take in to feel like I don’t love them as much as I would if I had made them myself.” Goda6511
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — they chose not to ensure each child would have equitable financial assistance. Wait, actually they chose to pour all their available funds into 3 of their children and not the 4th.
Would they have made those same choices if you were their biological child? It actually does not matter.
It does not matter because they are demonstrating favoritism. The reason is irrelevant. They are being jerks.
Tremendous jerks
I’d be curious as to what financial benefits they may have received for adopting you that you are not aware of. Because finances seems to be a focus for them.
No matter what you find, remember that their poor character is not a reflection of your worth.” MixWitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not like it was out-of-the-blue for you to be going to college. If they knew you’d be 18 or graduating from school soon, they knew to expect to pay tuition for their child and to prepare financially for this.
Just like they did with their other kids. I’m willing to bet that they encouraged you to go to college your whole life too.
I’m not buying the “lots of kids don’t have their parents pay for their tuition.”While this is true, they clearly knew it was an important thing if they were ready to do it (and more) for their three other kids.
Also, yeah, lots of parents don’t prepare to pay for their child’s tuition and/or they genuinely can’t afford it, but it’s definitely something that parents should expect to do when they have a child, and they clearly did.
Again, NTJ. And I hope this gets better for you because paying for all of college is a pain in the butt. And until you’re about 24yo, the government will always base your financial aid on your parent’s income (even if you have nothing to do with them).
So if they make a good amount of income like I’m picturing, financial aid and other government benefits likely won’t apply to you for a good while. You would be working around the clock to pay for a few college courses, a place to live, food, etc. So I hope they know the stress they’re putting you under for no real reason.
Additionally, their “finances need to recover.” Yours will take a lot longer than theirs if you’re going to be on your own at such a young age. I’m angry for you. I wish you the best of luck, and I suggest community college first to knock out those basic classes for cheaper.
And I have some websites that can get you free or cheap things you’ll want or need which might help, should you need them in the future.” rosecolured
13. AITJ For Telling My Parents That Our Family Will Never Be The Same Since My Brother Betrayed Me?
“I (26m) have not spoken to my brother (27m) in two years.
I cut him off and now he is dead to me. The reason? He slept with my long-term partner at the time Amy (26f) who I had been with for 10 years at that point, so from the age of 14.
We were living together, talking about marriage and they had been carrying on behind my back for at least 2 years. I believe it could be longer but I know it was at least as long as we were living together.
I found out and I told the two of them that I never wanted to see them again. My whole family found out from me and things were explosive for a while. My parents went after my brother, as did my sister, to tell him how bad what he had done was, how could he do it, was he cruel or just dumb, etc. Eventually, things settled and I think what sparked that was Amy getting pregnant with his kid.
I stood firm. I was not interested in having any contact, that as far as I was concerned he was dead, and I did not care what happened to him. But he was not welcome to be in my life.
I was not interested in their kid, etc.
My family accepted it at first. But then when they realized I would avoid family gatherings where they were present when they realized I would ignore any invitations from my brother to meet his kid or for his wedding when they realized we would never all be together again they started talking to me about how difficult it is to never have us all in the same room and to feel me fade away from them.
It became even more of an issue when my current partner Ellie and I found out she was pregnant which was unplanned and unexpected. We’ve only been together a year. But we’re happy.
My parents told me that it would be nice for the cousins to know each other.
I said no. They brought it up again and did so by suggesting I could ignore my brother and Amy but still be present. I told them I got that it was painful for them but they needed to learn to accept that their family will never be the same again and the division will always be there now.
I said I did not want my child knowing Amy or my brother and I did not care to know their kid either. They were upset but said they understood. It was extended family, who had been asking about a baby shower for mine and Ellie’s child that came for me saying I broke my parents and had no right to crush them like that, what if they were dying, would I really refuse to let them have all three kids in a room one last time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m really sorry that happened to you, it was really unfair of them both to do this behind your back and I completely understand you wanted to cut them both out of your life.
It sounds like they’re now married? And have a kid together. It’s like they spat in your face while they were at it. As if all those years together with you didn’t mean anything to Amy.
No matter how hard this is for your parents, your parents need to understand that what your brother and Amy did, will never make you want to be around either of them (and now their child as well) ever again.
It’s absolutely inexcusable. They need to understand how disgusting this is for you. I’d have done the exact same.” Dork86
Another User Comments:
“NtJ. Screw that “what if they were dying crap” off right now.
They’re not dying; they’re just being selfish jerks.
You my friend are very valid here. You do not, now or ever, have to mend that broken bridge with your brother if you don’t want. What they did was the ultimate betrayal. Sleeping together once, yeah you may have been able to move past that…but living together and talking about marriage and they were messing around the whole time behind your back?
That is quite literally unforgivable.
Also, I find it quite ironic that they are using the excuse of family to guilt you. What family? Your brother had an affair with your missus for 2 years. Now they’re having a kid together and that’s supposed to fix everything?
Where is the logic in that?” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Your brother and Amy could have done the adult thing. Amy could have left you prior to her relationship with your brother. It probably wouldn’t have hurt less and you might’ve eventually been able to be in the same room with them.
That didn’t happen. They picked the slime route.
No one should tell you how to feel or react to betrayal. I’m sorry for the pain your parents feel. It’s undeniably sad. Your parents I’m sure are also saddened by the lack of moral fiber demonstrated by their son toward his sibling.
All of that said, it’s too bad for them.
Family gatherings are difficult enough without the jerks in the room (your brother and if I read OP right, his now wife/woman Amy).
Your parents & family need to stop pressing you to get along.
They’re lucky you didn’t kill them both and wind up in prison. Then there’d be a whole other tragedy to be distraught about. And that’s not being dramatic. The ish your brother & former girl did causes deaths in some cases.
Go forth with your new life. Revel in the joy of your new relationship & child on the way.
Agree to meet your parents separately and invite whomever TF you want to the baby shower.
Those respectful of you and your feelings will attend and celebrate your happiness.
Also and this may not be a popular sentiment. Practice forgiveness. For yourself. Forgiveness isn’t for the other person. It’s for your own peace of mind.
Totally NTJ.” Key_Dimension2876
12. AITJ For Feeling Embarrassed That My Partner Waved At Me When He Dropped Me Off At Work?
“My f26 car broke down several weeks ago. My partner “Nick” m29 drives me to and from work every day which I’m thankful for HOWEVER… he has this habit of waving me goodbye every time he drops me off at work.
I mean hand-up waving type of waving. It didn’t bother me much at first till one of my coworkers saw him and brought it up to the whole department later to “laugh” about it.
I was livid that day.
Nick came to pick me up and I didn’t say anything till we got home. That’s when I flipped out and told him that the way he was waving me goodbye like I was some 5-year-old girl embarrassed me in front of my coworkers.
He acted confused and said he didn’t get what was wrong with what he was doing and was just doing a nice gesture. I told him he should’ve used some other method like a text or something, but he argued that first of all, he’s doing me a favor by dropping off/picking me up every day using his car and driving extra 20 minutes to get to his own work.
And that second of my coworkers were rude to think this was something they would “get a laugh” from and said I should be mad at them not him instead of saying “I embarrassed him.” We argued some, and he stopped speaking to me for the rest of the night.
I feel like an idiot. I mean I appreciate his favor, but to wave at me like I was a schoolgirl really got my coworkers laughing and making me the butt of their weird joking habit.
AITJ for telling him he embarrassed me?”
Another User Comments:
“Let me get this straight: You have a partner who drives you to/from work. He’s sweet enough to wave goodbye to you when he drops you off.
Your co-workers are jealous of you having a sweet and charming partner who cares about you, so they make jokes about it. You’re embarrassed that your coworkers see you have a sweet and charming partner.
And you care more about what your coworkers think than what your partner thinks.
Does that about sum it up?
Yup, YTJ.
If I were you, I’d apologize to your partner before he waves you goodbye for good.” witcher_rat
Another User Comments:
“ESH but your partner. You’re a jerk for letting immature adults still in their highschool bully mindsets bully you into feeling uncomfortable with your partner supporting you and waving you goodbye.
You’re also a jerk for going off on the wrong person; he didn’t deserve that. Your coworkers did.” ImThatMelanin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And a bit thin-skinned. The proper response was to take your co-workers to task, not your partner.
I had a similar thing happen. My car was in the shop so my wife and I would carpool. We went to my workplace first. When I got out, my wife got out and gave me a hug and kiss.
Not a peck, but a full-face smooching kiss. Right there in the parking lot. Did my co-workers say anything? You be they did. “We saw you smooching in the parking lot.” Me: “Darn right you did” and to one jerk in particular: “Eat your heart out!”
So yeah, you let the jerks (your co-workers) get you down. And then you took it out on your partner. For future reference:
Your relationship is awesome. It trumps everything. You defend each other.
Learn some verbal judo so you can properly defend yourself and your relationship from your detractors.
Learn. Apologize. Move on.” BaldyCarrotTop
11. AITJ For Freezing My Partner's Card?
I mean, it’s not really her responsibility.
“My man grew up in a poor family. He makes a decent income nowadays, but he is the only one with a stable income in his family.
His sister (23) is a leech, but he has a blind spot for her.
She is irresponsible, totally anti-work (“why waste time working when you have to live your life”), and she despises me for kicking her out a year ago. A few years ago, I let her move into my apartment, and while my partner and I went camping for a weekend, she threw a huge party and trashed my place.
Of course, my partner took her side, but he didn’t have any say in it – it was my apartment. Nowadays she is straight-up rude to me; she’s always saying “can’t wait till he breaks up with you,” and she puts his whole family against me.
Apparently, my partner still funds everything in her life. She just has his card info and uses it without the limits.
So I got pregnant and finances got tight, I can’t work as much anymore due to my health so I started counting our expenses and it turned out I covered 70% of the expenses of our joint life.
I had a talk with my partner and we agreed we will go more 50/50. Turns out that to meet the 50%, he has to take overtime, he basically lives at work now. I had to renovate my spare room into a nursery on my own, but my partner gave me his bank info so we can share the expense.
I couldn’t buy a thing with his card. Logged into his account and it turns out his little sister spent over 3k on her stuff in one week! Talked about it with my man, and he got annoyed with his sister but told me to hold on a few days till his next paycheck comes (I basically had to pay for everything for that time again).
So the day of his paycheck came and since day one I could see finances spent by his sister. I got annoyed and froze his card only to unfreeze it when I needed to pay for some baby things.
My man didn’t even notice it for a few days till his sister called crying.” She is broke, she can’t afford food, she’s hungry, etc.” He told her to just use his card and she said it doesn’t work.
He checked his account and saw I froze it. He made a ma*sive argument about it and I told him if I didn’t do it he would run out of finances again. I also told him he works all the time so I didn’t have a chance to have a conversation about it and instead of sponsoring the life of a brat he should think about his own kid.
I told him I don’t want a husband who leaves me to do everything on my own without any help because he has to work for someone who never worked a day in her life.
He told me then he would never be a husband to someone as selfish as I am. I told him if he wants to see my selfish side then I want him to give me back all the funds I spent on him, even though he earns more than me because I would like to go on a shopping spree like his sister does all the time.
He called me pathetic and hasn’t spoken to me since. I don’t think I am in the wrong but I might be blindsided, so I would like to hear the opinion of the strangers. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You have no right to mess with his card.
However, he is not entitled to live off you. Calculate how much he owes you, break it down to the penny, and show him how much he isn’t pulling his weight.
(I am not saying make him pay you back, but show him in black and white facts that he is financially mistreating you for his sister).
Then give him a last chance. He cuts off his sister’s card and gives her an allowance (if he must).
But the bills and a set amount for the child is paid to your account on payday and he doesn’t ask you for help anymore. If he doesn’t agree, I think you would be better off financially and emotionally to kick his a*s out and claim child support.
His sister is more important than you and his child. It’s time he wakes up and changes or he doesn’t and you need to do the waking up.” Ok-Macaron-6211
Another User Comments:
“Dude, YTJ for staying so long and then making a baby with this person fully knowing how bad the sister’s situation was.
3k in one week is insane and your man is an idiot for not realizing how much he’s being taken advantage of, but he probably needs some therapy to get out of that. But griping on you for your choices is not helpful – you’re here now and it’s time to deal with it.
Honestly, for the well-being of your child, it’s ultimatum time. You can’t stay with someone who puts his deadbeat sister over his child, either he gets therapy and stops funding his sister or he can support your child financially through child support.
I know you love him and want to stay, but I guarantee this drives a wedge (already has) between you, and either way, your child suffers. Emotionally and financially.
I say this as someone who did the hard thing and became a single mother (and I was really in love with this guy).
I was in the same boat except baby daddy spent the funds on himself despite us not even being able to afford formula. You know, the stuff that kept our baby healthy and alive. When we broke up he eventually stopped being interested in his kid and I never received a dime from him.
But I know we’re better off and I know I did what was right for my kid.
So I think ESH is the right judgment- passive aggressively dealing with this by freezing his card, etc is not the answer.” sunnydays0306
Another User Comments:
“YTJ/ESH- what you did was incredibly controlling, inappropriate, and 100% not your place or your right to do so. The sister sounds like a nightmare and your partner sounds like an absolute sucker, but that still doesn’t give you the right to control HIS finances when it isn’t a joint account and you are not his wife.
An alternative way to handle this would’ve been to have you both put X amount directly from your pay into a joint account that either you both control or, if you are concerned that the sister would try to take from that account, is solely in your control.
It would resolve the issue of his sister spending on his personal account and him not having the funds to support your household.
Your BF’s sister sounds like an entitled leech who will never grow up if your partner keeps supporting her life choices and your partner is wholly irresponsible with finances and making sure his responsibilities are taken care of as he (which is a lack of care and consideration about your relationship/putting his sister’s wants over you/your future child’s needs) as he allows this stuff to keep happening, knowing full well that it creates a financial burden on you.
Be aware that this behavior on your partner’s end (and the sister too – why would she try to be an adult when she has a sucker to foot her bill) is not going to change – if this turns out to be someone that you spend more of your life with, be prepared to continue to struggle due to his decisions.
Regardless of all of this, you still crossed a line big time as it is his account – you may have done that to control her spending, but you know that he is allowing this to occur, thereby blocking him from using his funds for what he deemed to be appropriate.
If you ignore every other part of this response, please really think on this: I highly suggest getting a support order (get an actual order through the court, not just some agreement you both come up with) once the baby comes, even if you two do work out.
This will ensure that funds are pulled directly from his paycheck so his sister can’t get her grubby mitts on the finances that should be going to your kid.” TypicalHall1811
10. AITJ For Not Inviting My Step Mom To My Wedding Party?
“I (26f) am getting married soon. My parents (54f / 55m) split when I was super young and my stepmom Halle (48f) has been in my life since I can remember.
She’s basically a second mom to me and has treated me the same as my siblings (technically half-siblings) even though I spent weekends with my mom. My mother is pretty argumentative and has always disliked Halle for some reason.
She explained that Halle overstepped a lot of boundaries when she came around but my dad said it was a lot of misunderstandings and feelings that got in the way. He doesn’t talk about my mom much unless I ask specific questions, my mom is the opposite and says what’s on her mind.
With my wedding coming up I planned to include Halle as one of my parents in the wedding party. I wanted to treat Halle the same as I would treat a bio parent because that’s basically what she’s been.
Halle cried when I told her this and was so excited saying she can’t wait to help me pick out a dress and other things. My dad & Halle’s wedding was like a dream and I hope mine is just like theirs.
My bio parents never married & my mom told me she left him when I was super young. When I told my mom she flipped on me saying Halle is not my mother and it’s disrespectful to “downplay my real mom” by including Halle in real parent things.
She said Halle has always inserted herself in real parent matters and now she’s “taking her only baby’s wedding from her” my mom started crying and begging me not to let Halle do this.
I felt bad. Halle does have other children with my father and will have the chance to be in her other kids weddings (my sister just got engaged not long after me!) so she won’t miss out.
When I talked to Halle about this she seemed really sad but kind of played it off and said she understands and just wants me to be happy. My dad pulled me aside and said it’s my wedding but it would be really messed up to kick Halle out of the wedding when she has been a mother to me since I was a baby, which she has.
I don’t know what to do. My mom is hurting but so is Halle. Wedding dress shopping is coming up this weekend and I want Halle to be there but my mom said she won’t come if I invite her because she can’t be around Halle and watch her steal this moment.
My fiancé says he thinks my mom is being petty as usual but his parents are together he’s never had to deal with this dynamic. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
With compassion, it sounds like your stepmother parented you 5 days a week since she came into your life, and you say she was basically like a second bio mom.
Your mom is manipulating you. Her drawing this line (Halle can’t be in the wedding party/involved with your wedding prep) is hyper-controlling. She can’t bear to “share” the role of mom with someone who mothered you as long as you can remember.
How is that for the good of YOU at all? She is willfully putting you in a bad position and forcing you to alienate a person/parent who took care of you more days of the week than she did for your entire childhood.
If she wanted to be motherly, she would set aside her jealousy. She wants to change your life story by forcing your stepmother out. It’s very important as an adult who is allowed to love all her parents that you don’t succumb to this manipulation just because she cried.” einsteinGO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but… Do you know the story of Solomon’s baby? Two women came to the wise King Solomon each claiming they were the baby’s mother.
Solomon said, you know what, let’s cut this baby in two, and you can have a half each, that seems a fair solution, right?
One woman said yeah, go for it. The other said, no way, just give the baby to the other woman.
Solomon gave the baby to the woman who’d rather have seen the kid go to someone else than see them split in two, because that was the baby’s true mother.
You are the Solomon’s baby here. One maternal figure is only interested in what she will get out of this experience.
The other one would rather lose out than see you torn apart.
You might want to reconsider your decision despite not being the A here.
Best of luck.” Crackles247
Another User Comments:
“Very, very soft YTJ. Your stepmother loves and supports you and treats you like her own. Even when your mother made a stink to try and get stepmom excluded, stepmom STILL was supportive and understanding.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your mother is being petty and manipulative. Your stepmother is being tolerant and loving. You don’t positively reinforce bad behavior in children or dogs, so there’s no reason to do it for a grown adult who should know better.
Say it with me, now; “Mom, I love you. You’re very important to me. I also love Halle. She’s very important to me. I’d love to have both of you present for all of my important moments.
If you don’t feel that you can put aside your own hurt in order to be happy for me, then Halle and I will be sorry you couldn’t come shopping for wedding dresses with us.”” J_DayDay
9. AITJ For Not Adjusting My Cooking To Accommodate My Partner's Dairy Allergy?
“My girl and I have been together for 3 years.
My girl recently developed a strong intolerance for lactose. Yogurt and milk make her stomach hurt really badly, and all other dairy, while tolerable, gives her extreme gas and a sick feeling in her throat.
Due to this, my girl has recently developed a dairy-free diet. She refuses to eat any dairy, even the stuff that just gives her gas. I never complained about this, although it made it difficult for me to cook for her/go out to eat since she has so many limitations now.
We live separately but visit each other twice a week (Wednesday, I go to her house, and Sunday, she comes to mine). We usually cook for one another on those days.
Lately, her meals haven’t been as good due to all the dairy substitutes, which is fine.
This is where I may be the jerk.
Last night, I made her a pasta dish with heavy cream. I told her to take one of her Lactaid pills beforehand, and she said she didn’t want to deal with the gas afterward and demanded I get her something else.
This slightly annoyed me because I had put in a lot of work for this dish. I told her that while I was fine with eating her food on Wednesday; I don’t want to change my eating habits for her.
A lot of dairy-free alternatives don’t taste as good (dairy-free cheese is awful), and I don’t see a point in changing my groceries for one meal when she can just take a Lactaid pill.
She called me a jerk, teared up, and went home. I thought she would get over it, but she has barely answered my texts. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I am lactose intolerant.
Heavy cream is not a light lactose situation.
It isn’t like cheese powder in Kraft mac n cheese. It is the real deal and knocks you out.
Lactaid pills aren’t a catch-all. They can help somewhat, but they don’t always just fix it.
Gas can HURT. Constant, excessive gas can be difficult to live with.
Have you thought about the possibility that she may be downplaying symptoms like explosive diarrhea because she’s embarrassed? Is she avoiding getting diarrhea at your place or while traveling home?
These are things severely lactose intolerant people think about all the time.
It isn’t that hard to substitute stuff. You could have made the pasta and the sauce separately and popped a can of spaghetti sauce for her.
Lastly, If she is being this strict with it, this condition is hurting her and making her feel very sick. Certain foods give her pain and discomfort that pills alone can’t always fix. You should respect that.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I hope she dumps you. “Just” gas? “Just” embarrassing, disgusting gas? Wow, you’re a peach. I bet she went home wondering what you would downplay next.
For 10 years, I prepared dairy-free dinners, just using basic American cookbooks,which are all about the butter and the cheese, for the sake of somebody who was full-on allergic.
It wasn’t hard. You’re just a jerk.
ETA: Just in case you actually are, here are seven days’ worth of dairy-free meals that nevertheless include dairy for you, you snowflake.
Chili and cornbread, with grated cheese or sour cream on the side.
Braised halibut with cabbage and dill, made using light-flavored olive oil; fresh bread with optional butter on the side
Freshly cooked pasta with choice of toppings: onions cooked until sweet with little cubes of ham, and chopped kalamata olives; zucchini sauteed in olive oil with garlic, basil, and tomato sauce; grated Parmesan.
Minestrone made without Parmesan, with Parm on the side and plenty of crusty bread.
Build-your-own tacos, ’nuff said.
Homemade burgers. “Hang on, gonna melt some cheese on mine.”
Brats on the grill, choice of ice cream or sherbet for dessert.” jennyislander
Another User Comments:
“Dude YTJ. While yours is a personal taste, she gets bloated, constipated, diarrhea, and gassy just by taking a little dairy. Her needs go above your wants, or you are just not compatible.
But I mean changing 2 days of your whole week wouldn’t possibly kill you.” alitauniverse
8. AITJ For Not Wanting Modest Attire For My Bridesmaids?
“I (20f) am getting married next summer. I grew up in a VERY religious household but was able to “flee the toxicity” as i like to say. The rest of my family are all still very active members in that church.
I asked my 2 sisters (22, 17) to be my bridesmaids.
Within said religion, once you reach a certain age you’re eligible to make extra promises and one of those promises is that you’ll remain chaste (no fornification, wear modest clothing, etc).
You’re then given “the magical underpants” to wear at all times. They essentially resemble knee-length shorts and a cap-sleeve t-shirt, but an “underpants” type material. My older sister has been wearing these for about 3 years now.
Earlier today, we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses. The vision I have for my wedding is simple but particular. I would prefer my BM’s wear the same dress (Spaghetti straps, knee-length, flowy, semi-exposed back, and chest).
My mom and older sister, during the entirety of this appointment, sat there and told me that I needed to be accommodating towards her religious needs with finding a dress for her that completely covers her underpants.
Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with this, but this is for my wedding! I’ll wear what she wants for hers, so i don’t get why it’s such a big deal for mine.
My mom tried to say it was the same as a Muslim woman wanting to accommodate for her Hijab (please correct me if I used the wrong terminology!!) or a member of the Jewish faith wearing a Yarmulka (again, please correct me if needed).
I don’t know if maybe it’s because I’m looking at it all with “crap-colored glasses” but I don’t think it’s the same thing. They’re just underpants to me, and people have to wear underpants to accommodate different clothing all the time so why is this any different?
Anyways, part of me wants to just rescind my invitation for her to be in the bridal party since it’s already caused so much drama, but i know that it will only cause more if i do.
I’d be risking my younger sister pulling out as a BM and i would be risking losing the financial help my parents have offered (that I am INCREDIBLY grateful for!). I don’t want her to be uncomfortable but i also want my wedding to look and be a certain way.
So, am i the jerk for not choosing a dress that accommodates her?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It is the same thing, it’s an item of religious clothing. Listen, you don’t get to stomp all over people’s beliefs or practices because it’s “your day.”
If you don’t want to accommodate that, then remove her from the bridal party and deal with the consequences.” CrystalQueen3000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have a lot of sympathy for you, but it is like a Muslim woman wanting accommodation for her hijab and you are looking at your particular bugbear religion badly.
If you want your sister as a bridesmaid, you need to accommodate her religious needs. Or let her wear an extra bolero/cropped cardigan/some sort of wrap over the top that lets her appear to be wearing the same dress but without exposing her underpants/forcing her out of her religious garments.
I know it’s easy to get carried away with imagining your wedding as a magazine photoshoot, but don’t succumb to that. That’s the first step towards Bridezilladom. Prioritise people and your love for then over achieving the perfect image – photos are for documenting how happy the day was and all the people who came to celebrate with you, not for winning glamour awards.” Normal-Height-8577
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because I think this isn’t so much about the dresses; it’s obviously about you not wanting your religion to control your wedding and life anymore. Which is reasonable. However, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
If you want to have funds from your parents who are part of this religion, you will have to accept that that comes with strings. That sucks, but that’s the way it is. You can’t crap on their beliefs like modesty and still expect their help.
I feel for you, but that’s the way it is.” Pristine-Rhubarb7294
7. AITJ For Not Giving My Emergency Fund To My Cousin?
“I(24f) am a bit paranoid when it comes to finances. I didn’t grow up in poverty, but times are tough and the idea of living paycheck to paycheck makes me uncomfortable.
It’s important to mention that now I have a stable, good-paying job, but I struggled a lot during college, since my parents weren’t able to save enough for my college fund, so I worked bad jobs and I was constantly exhausted during those years.
I still ended up in some debt and I want to be free of it asap.
It’s also important to mention that I come from a pretty religious family.
When I landed this job I decided to start an “emergency fund”: I put aside a few hundred dollars every month so, in case anything happens(I get sick, I lose my job, etc) I will not end up in more debt or even worse.
The only people that know about it are my sister(who also plans to start her own emergency fund after she graduates and lands a good job) and I. I 100% trust my sister, so I think my aunt or someone else overheard us talking about it.
Now the issue is: my cousin’s (22m) girl (22f) is pregnant and they decided to keep it, even though they know darn well they can’t afford it(none of them has a stable job, inheritance, anything).
A few days ago, he came to ask me to give him my emergency fund since he is having an emergency.
I was speechless. I asked him what was he talking about(even tho I knew, but I couldn’t believe someone can have this audacity).
He told me he knew I have some savings and he desperately needs them. He didn’t even mention giving the funds back!
I told him those are MY savings, for when I am having an emergency, but he pulled the family-helps-family card.
I still said no.
While I understand they are in a difficult situation, I still think it’s not fair that I am asked to pay for his mistakes.
I told him they should think more about what they are going to do in the future and how are they going to support this child if none of them has a stable income and, even if I give them my savings, that amount of funds is enough for only a few months (for me; for a family of three, even less).
I did not mention adoption or anything, just that they are irresponsible for having a kid when none of them is financially stable.
He eventually left me alone but started to tell the rest of the family that I told him to get rid of the baby, which is not true at all.
My parents and my sister are on my side, but the rest of the family started harassing us and calling me a godless witch.
So, AITJ for keeping my savings?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one is entitled to YOUR income that you earned. Poor planning on their part, does not constitute an emergency on yours.
Especially if the ask was not immediately followed with a solid, swift plan to pay it back. You are absolutely not the jerk. Do not give them access to your finances.
The fact that he’s lying about you now (in regards to saying you told them not to continue the pregnancy), just speaks volumes.
That is not a person you want owing you funds, you will never see it again.
I’m not sure I think it’s fair that you told them it was irresponsible to keep the pregnancy/have a baby, that’s not really your problem.
All you had to say is no. No is a complete sentence. Still not the jerk however.” Passivewalnut
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A pregnancy takes 9 months, unless the baby comes early. That time would have given both your cousin and his partner plenty of time to work some side jobs to save something up before the baby arrives.
Their irresponsibility does not automatically become your responsibility simply because you decided you wanted to have a cushion in case of YOUR own emergency. You owe nothing to them.
Family or not, the relationships with the family members who are criticizing you for not helping them financially should be strongly reevaluated. This type of “family helps family” mentality will lead to resentment when the person who is constantly helping family never receives help in return.
I’m not saying I would never help a family member when they need it, but I also won’t enable someone’s irresponsibility when they are perfectly capable of getting out there and working for it on their own.” IntroductionCapital4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as you say, your savings aren’t even enough to sustain them even if you wanted to help. Your cousin needs to quickly evaluate his life choices and make a plan he and his gf can execute on to get their house in order.
You can and should be generous with family. Buying a nice baby gift or something. But just giving them your emergency fund because you were smart to save and they chose not to? absolutely not.
You should try as much as possible not to comment beyond “I love you and I support whatever decisions you make, but I am not in a financial position to raise a kid myself, let alone support yours.
I’m happy to help in other ways if there are things you can think of”
To the family, the same response — “I love my cousin and would always support his decisions and be a wonderful uncle to his kids.” I wouldn’t engage on the funds or on the question of keeping the baby.
IF anyone really pushes, you can always ask how they are supporting him and see if you can do similar since your cousin hasn’t mentioned anything concrete other than funds that you don’t have.” wildcat12321
6. AITJ For Not Helping My Homeless Parents?
“My parents are terrible with finances. When I (27F) was little my father gambled away all his savings of about $100,000 in risky penny stocks which got wiped out in 2008, and we were forced to move into a single bedroom in a house, just the 3 of us.
Then my mom fell for an MLM and you can imagine what happened; they lost the down payment on the house they were saving for. I begged them not to sign up for it since I saw it was clearly a scam and showed them evidence it was, and they just laughed at me and ignored me.
They lost about $28,000 from that. Then recently they fall for a college signup scam and lost $32,000. They weren’t signing up for college they just needed a loan and tried to go through a “private broker” who promised to get them a school loan that they would use on whatever they wanted. I went with them to see the broker and told them it was a scam and they ignored me.
So basically they were trying to scam the government and got scammed instead. I actually tried to pry the pen away from my father’s hands when I got desperate as he was writing down his bank info and SSN and he screamed at me I was embarrassing him and did it anyway.
Again they lost funds and now they are homeless because their credit is crap and they can barely afford even crappy apartments. They probably can’t get their finances back since they have little documentation on the broker and what he promised. Now they live in their car and are begging me for financial help.
I have about $100,000 saved waiting to buy a house, and they know about it because I stupidly told them I was saving for a house, and now are calling me and showing up at my apartment asking for assistance.
They also want to move in in the meantime, but my roommate and I agreed on visitation from friends or family is max a week to prevent resentment, and if my parents move in, they probably will refuse to move out.
They are going to food banks, and honestly, I can’t find it I’m myself to be that sympathetic since they don’t listen to me until they need my financial help.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
DO NOT, DO NOT give them a cent.
You know exactly what’s going on. You know what will happen. You’ve had to write three solid paragraphs to get through the bad decisions they’ve made in the past. You cannot save them from themselves.
They are a bottomless pit and they will bleed you dry–and still end up homeless.
Don’t give them a cent. Don’t let them through your door. Don’t do laundry for them. Don’t take them food.
I have seen so many situations where kids who have worked hard to overcome their upbringings have been sucked back in and have ended up stressed and with no finances. You can probably tell it makes my b***d pressure increase just to read your post.
You must have worked hard to end up doing as well as you’re doing and they WILL drag you down if you give them an inch. Do not do it. Not one cent. This is not your fault and you have no obligation to throw finances away.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to consider this: as adults, they chose to make decisions. They chose to follow the get-rich schemes and all that stuff rather than make more stable financial decisions. That was their choice to do.
They’re not going to listen to you now; they just want your help, so they can blow that on something else.
You need to cut the cord with them. Stop telling them about your financial situation, the next time they show up at your apartment tell them that you’re going to call the cops if they don’t leave.
Push them away because they’re going to keep coming after you and trying to shake funds out of you unless you push back.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
Your parents have repeatedly shown that they don’t care to listen to you when you’re trying to help them so why should you set your own finances on fire? Because that’s all giving them anything would accomplish.
Maybe if you’re feeling generous you could rent them a small apartment for three months, and in that time they have to show you where their funds are going. You’ll pay the rent, as long as they are also trying to get out of the situation and not just quickly scam their way out of it.
It doesn’t sound like that’s what is likely to happen so I also don’t think my advice is a truly viable option.
Either way, you are in no way obligated to fund their poor choices, they made their bed despite your loud protests, so now they can quietly lie in it.” coffeeskater
5. AITJ For Pretending To Go Missing On A Hike?
“I had plans with my partner Jack, his brother Tyler, and my friend Paula to go hiking last weekend.
I’d suggested an easier flatter trail for us to hike since Paula isn’t as experienced a hiker as the rest of us.
I thought the plan was to just hike together and hang out and talk, but the day of, we started at a normal pace and the guys just kept going faster. Paula was lagging behind kinda out of breath and I stuck with her
I was irritated because a HUGE rule of wilderness safety is to stay with your group. Because crap can go sideways fast in the backcountry.
They were stopping to wait every mile or so, we never knew where because they didn’t say and nobody had cell service.
But as soon as we caught up they’d start going at top speed again leaving us playing “catch up” nonstop.
I told Jack that I’d like them to stick with us, and he complained that we were too slow, the trail was too easy, they “needed” their workout.
After the 3rd time they ran off, Paula and I got to this viewpoint before the main peak.
So we sat down to take our first breather in hours, and vent.
She joked that we should stop chasing and let them wonder.
I suggested we just hang out at the viewpoint until the guys noticed, or found us on the way back down.
She pulled out a joint she’d been planning on sharing at the top of the mountain and we hung out and smoked and ate our lunch.
It was an hour and a half before the guys came back, we heard them before we saw them, and they were sprinting down the trail yelling our names. I called out, “Over here” except I was coughing from smoking, so it sounded more like, “OVHHHH COUGH COUGH ERE.”
The guys came running to the viewpoint and Paula was giggling her butt off at my attempt to yell. I got the giggles from her (and the joint we’d just finished) too.
The guys confused our giggling for crying since we were both just kinda wheezing with laughter and were asking what happened. I was like, “We’re ok; we’re just high.”
Tyler got really mad at us, saying they had stopped off a half mile from the summit to wait for us before making the final push, and after we didn’t show up for an hour they decided to turn back to look for us instead of summiting.
And he was furious that we just stopped to get high without telling them.
I was like, “I thought we split up, like y’all were off doing your own thing all day,” and my man raised his voice at me telling me that you don’t split up a group without communication.
At that, Paula and I got the giggles again… Like ‘no crap’ It was just funny how he was saying the same thing I’d been saying all day.
For the rest of the hike, the guys were angry with us because we “ruined” their summit, making them turn back just because we didn’t even try to keep up.
AITJ for “going missing” on a hike?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Laughing when someone is scared crosses the line. They were inconsiderate to leave you behind. They DID wait for you to catch up periodically though.
You had the right to take the hike at your own pace, and they could have continued to wait at periodic intervals, which frankly sounds like a good compromise.
If you needed an extended break for lunch, you should have communicated that in advance.
Take your breaks! Don’t let them push you around and rush you. They could have gotten their workouts in by doubling back instead of resting.
Learning to advocate for your needs is an important skill.
Simply expressing dissatisfaction often isn’t enough. You needed to present a solution. “We have fundamentally different goals for this hike. You guys want a work out, and Paula and I need to take it at an easier pace.
We also need lunch and more breaks. Let’s split into 2 groups, and then regroup. Let’s meet at…” Don’t leave it to someone else to solve your problem. Address it head on.
However, scaring someone and then laughing about it was going to far.” cleaningmama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they wanted to go alone on the hike, no one was stopping them. And clearly, they didn’t care what you thought since you’d already asked them to slow down, which they wouldn’t do.
Actually, it was rather sexist of them to leave you to care for Paula when, in theory, she’s the SO of your partner’s brother.
It would have been nice if you could have texted them: “we’re stopping at this viewpoint,” but I guess you didn’t have service.
About the only (minor) thing I could ding you for was not saving them any herb. It could/would have mellowed them out some.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“ESH –
Avid hiker sharing my perspective here.
Ok, I agree your partner is more the jerk. Didn’t follow wilderness safety 1 on 1 (hike at the pace of your slowest member) and were generally just pretty rude (sounds like you have an inconsiderate partner problem to deal with separately).
If they wanted a “workout” that should have been clearly communicated and incorporated into the hiking plan in advance especially after you communicated Paula isn’t as experienced a hiker.
But OP – you could have been better here and at one of the points when you were all together as a group (If I’m reading your post right, these were several points when you re-connected as a group but maybe I misunderstood) suggest you formally split into two groups.
That would have been the responsible and safest thing to do. I know it’s annoying to have to be the responsible one when someone else is being a jerk, but that’s what would have made you NTJ.
(While it is a wilderness rule to “stay with your group” that is primarily targeted at splitting off by yourself. Solo hiking carries significantly higher risks than hiking in a group of two. Unless in some very specific situations there is minimal risk of a group of 4 splitting into two groups of 2 – as long as everyone knows that is the plan, it’s clearly communicated, and both groups of 2 are prepared.)
The reason what you did (splitting off without notifying) was dangerous is it could have encouraged your BF to take risker behavior (i.e. running down the trail to try to find you as it sounds like he did, leaving the trail to look for you, etc.) once they grew concerned. Yes, your partner’s actions caused the initial problem, but your actions amplified the risk.
(As an aside – you also then got high where if there was a problem you would have been in a diminished capacity to respond. I’m not opposed to a beer or a joint on a hike.
But especially given you mention bear activity in your comments as one reason for staying together as a group of four, I certainly want my wits about me in bear country if nothing else to avoid surprising a bear.)
Please remember – when in the backwoods it’s usually a series of poor decisions that gets a group in trouble not just one singular decision.” hyperside89
4. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Late-Fiancee's Family?
“I****0) was going to put refusing to help my ex fiancee’s family. It’s been ten years and my head is still not okay. When I was 30 and my partner, MG, was 24 she was hit by a car.
She had moved across the country to be with me after she finished university.
She took a long time to die. Long enough for her parents to come and forbid me from going to the hospital to be with her.
When she died they took the body back to Maine and told me not to come to the funeral. They said that they would have me removed. I respected their wishes
I had to find out where her grave was from one of her old roommates.
I only went to see it once because her mom was there with her little brother when I went. She lost it on me. It was my fault that she was in city far from her family and it would not have happened if I hadn’t dragged her to California.
He told me he hated me like only a seven year old can.
So I left. And never went back. I was broken for a long time. I eventually met my wife and we have been married for almost a year now.
I was working for a FAANG company when MG died. I was the beneficiary to her life insurance. I was having trouble concentrating bat work so I took a leave of absence. After a couple of months of trying to join her I realized she would hate what I was doing to myself.
So I resigned my job and used the insurance to fund my own little start-up.
I’m not Oprah rich but I do okay. MG’s little brother was recently accepted to an Ivy League school. I know this because him and his parents all reached out to see if I would give them the insurance funds to help with his tuition.
These are people who I thought would be in my life forever and they abandoned me at the lowest point in my life. I had friends but I have no other family. They didn’t just abandon me.
They made it worse.
Now they need my help. They say that if I don’t give them the funds they will have to take out a mortgage on their house to pay for his education.
They said I was in the wrong to even keep the funds and that it should have gone to them to begin with.
I loved these people once but they destroyed me. The funds they want is negligible to me.
I could give it to them without in any way compromising my lifestyle. I want to brag about how little it will affect me but I feel petty. It’s just not much to me but it is life changing to them.
My wife says it’s my choice. I want to punish them for how they treated me. But I know MG would want me to help her family.
AITJ if I don’t pay them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were a couple. They should have accepted you, but they didn’t. You should have been there for her last breath, when she was laid to rest. Your deceased partner would of wanted that.
They took so much away from you. Neglected your feelings, you were her husband, just not on paper. They didn’t see that. The insurance is for you and only you.
10 years later it came back to bite them.
Though scrap. Block them. Ignore them like they ignored you. They only want your funds. You were never part of their family in their eyes. You owe them nothing, NOTHING. Don’t let your conscience fool you into thinking you do.
You don’t have to feel guilty for saying NO. That insurance was yours as you were as good as married. After 10 years the Insurance funds are well and truly gone. You started a company. They aren’t after the insurance or they would have come looking 10 years earlier.
They are after your hard-earned funds.
Big hugs on your loss, and having to relive it. Stirring up painful memories. Your new partner sound awesome, and very supportive. You’ve found a gem.” Short-Sense-4383
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it was only her parents asking for help, I would 100% say no.
But it’s her little brother. He was 7 at the time? He said horrible stuff to you, but he was 7. And was being fed hurtful horrible things about you by his parents.
If I was you, and giving them funds would hardly change anything in my life, I would do it but in a way that it could only be used for his tuition. Do not write them a check.
I don’t know how all that works. But if you do give them the funds, make it so it’s in an account that can only be used for tuition or whatever you have to do, so they can’t steal it for whatever they want.” throwitallaway006
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Either way. It would be incredibly mangnanimous of you to use the funds to help her brother, who was only 7 when he lost his sister and let his grief-stricken parents tell him what to believe and how to behave.
Much better than they deserve, but a lovely gesture in rememberance of MG, who meant the world to you. That said, if you feel moved to that much generosity, you might apply for sainthood. It is shocking that her family has treated you this way, and even more shocking that they would suggest that you shouldn’t have kept the funds to begin with.
MG made you her beneficiary, because you were the person she had decided to spend her life with, and that they would have so little respect for her choices and wishes is heart-wrenching. Grief can make people into terrible monsters.
If you do decide to provide assistance for her brother’s education, I also wonder if they won’t be back to ask again. It’s certainly taken them 10 years to work up the nerve to hit you up, but once the floodgates are open…whichever way you go, you might consider going no-contact with these folks.
I can’t imagine that MG would have ever wanted you to continue to subject yourself to the way her family has treated you.” thischaosiskillingme
3. AITJ For Asking My Sister If Her Obnoxious Wedding Was "Worth It?"
“My (27M) sister (24F) got married last Saturday. It was a nightmare.
She and my mom spent nearly the entire year in the lead-up to the event talking about it.
This wouldn’t have bothered me if it was excitement fueling all of those conversations, but instead, it was stress.
I’ve never seen the appeal of a big wedding, but watching this play out has solidified my point of view.
My husband and I got married in a small ceremony in front of only close family and friends (maybe 25 people there at most), hosted a slightly bigger reception for others we also wanted to celebrate with and called it a day.
There was no anxiety about planning, no looming dread that this perfect day we had built up in our heads might not go 100% as planned. Just us celebrating our love with the people we love.
My sister’s wedding was the antithesis of that. It was over the top. The guest list was already massive, and then she allowed children there on top of that. If you can imagine 200+ people plus kids running around what is supposed to be a peaceful event and NOT get anxious, I envy you.
I already knew the whole thing was going to go terribly, as much as I hate to say it. You can’t welcome that level of mayhem while also having your itinerary planned down to the minute.
There was nothing intimate or personal. It seemed she was inviting ‘friends’ she hadn’t spoken to in years just to fill out more seats. The whole thing was ostentatious and I have no idea who she was trying to impress.
Myself and the rest of our siblings are all in similar financial situations. Just because you have the finances to pay for something doesn’t mean you should.
My husband and I were ready to head home right after the ceremony, but we played nice and stuck around.
At one point over the course of the night she ended up in tears, unsurprisingly. I got roped into trying to comfort her, and I asked my sister if it was worth it. Was all the planning and stress and finances dropped on this event worth the final outcome.
My mom told me that my attitude the entire day had been terrible, the comments from my husband and I were distasteful and that the question I had asked was awful and rude. I haven’t spoken to either she or my sister since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I share your sentiment about big weddings. My husband and I were married at the courthouse. Simple, easy and low-cost. It was what we wanted.
What you don’t get to do is to have such an attitude that you come across as disdainful and rude.
Your post reeks of condescension. You thought that your sister should do things the way you do. You make a notation of her inviting people she hasn’t seen in awhile just to have more seats to fill!
You’re coming across as you know better, her choices aren’t right, and that you are the only one correct. This is why your attitude was called out.” SupergirlKrypton
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She had the wedding she thought she wanted. It didn’t impact you except for having to show up.
Get over yourself that your way was the “right” way to get married. And you know what, even if you are right, she wanted this and may have realized she didn’t, but who cares? She can’t change it and if she hadn’t had this wedding she would have wondered “what if?” forever.
Clearly, you didn’t just show up and play nice if your mother told you that you had been a nightmare all day. And when your sister had a moment, instead of just telling her it was a good party and she looked lovely, you just HAD to make sure she knew that you were right and smart, and she was dumb.
You sound absolutely insufferable and you were awful and rude.
And this is coming from someone who doesn’t even want to get married, and certainly doesn’t want a big wedding.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You just don’t get it, nor do I think you ever will.
This wedding, the one you described, this was not just a month in planning, your sister had been planning her day for years, thinking about what all she wanted in there, from the colors, to the style of dress.
She had dreams about what all it would be like, for her to have one moment on one day, when everyone would look and not see her as your sister, but a princess, and her husband to be, there as the prince of her dreams. When these kinds of weddings go off without a hitch, they are the stuff of dreams and memories that are fondly remembered for a long time.
When they go wrong, it can lead to heartbreak and tears, and a lot of emotions and sadness as the dreams turn into a nightmare.
You had your ideas of the perfect wedding, yet do not understand that your sister had ideas of her own, on what all would be the perfect wedding.
And instead of helping her make those dreams come true, sounds like you were the voice of descent all along. And when she is was at her lowest, yes your comments were rude and distasteful.
If you want an analogy to what you said here it is: Get a papercut and then have your spouse drip lemon juice onto it.
That is what you did, you poured salted lemon juice onto an open wound and wonder why your mother and your sister have gone NC with you and chances are your family may no longer want to be around or deal with you.” JCWa50
2. AITJ For Commenting To A Hotel Guest For Making Herself A Second Waffle At The Breakfast Buffet?
“I was staying at a hotel in Chicago last month with my children (M22, F18) and the place offered free breakfast for guests.
They had the usual cereal, juice, coffee, yogurt and fruit setup. They also had one waffle maker that made one waffle at a time. It was in a smallish room on the 6th floor with about 20 or more people in there.
I was hungry but waited patiently in line, as each waffle cycle takes three minutes. There was a youngish adult woman ahead of me and just as she finished removing her waffle and I started stepping forward, she poured the batter for a second waffle, I’m guessing for a friend back at the room.
Three more minutes of standing there as the tables started filling up. I said loudly something like, “A second waffle? I didn’t realize we were doing that! Another one?” She didn’t respond. I let out a sigh and sat down at a table to eat my non-waffle other breakfast food.
When she was done, the nice guy who had been behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said I could go ahead and make mine. I thanked him and did just that. Then I thanked him again as I was leaving.
AITJ for saying something and not just waiting or should she have made one waffle and got back in line for the second one? What if she decided to make waffles for two more friends?
That’s six more minutes for everyone standing there.
Typing this out I realize this is one of the most minor situations I’ve seen here. Yet I’m still thinking about it, so here we are.”
Another User Comments:
“I get you were frustrated but this is passive-aggressive petty dramatic behavior that wasn’t going to help the situation in any way. You already acknowledge they were likely just taking 2 back to their room for someone else.
It’s the chance you take with a self-service buffet-style breakfast. I don’t think you’d have the same issue if you were sat at a table and you sent one of your kids up to get you a waffle each, I doubt you’d be suggesting she rejoined the queue at the back.
It was 3 minutes compared to rejoining the queue, a little bit of patience goes a long way in these situations. Everyone wants to get in and out as fast as possible and expecting someone to rejoin the queue is unreasonable.
I think you were also fortunate the person behind you allowed you to go in front, I don’t think I would’ve.” wildfellsprings
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She waited for her turn in line like everyone else.
The waffle machine did not have a time limit nor waffle limit. You keep assuming that she was making a second waffle for someone else and you are soooo salty about that, but she could have been making it for herself.
In either scenario, she has every right to be taking the time to make a second waffle for herself OR someone else. When it’s your turn, you can take your own time to get or make whatever you need. Your behavior was unpleasant and unreasonable.
Queues are a regular part of a functioning society but it is impatient people like you who make the experience unpleasant for everyone. It’s not like she sat there and made 5 waffles, she merely took a couple more minutes to make a second one.
You could have scrolled on your phone like a normal person.
The reason you keep thinking about it is because you know you were dead wrong and you feel guilty about it.” Curiobb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I’ve been in and out of hotels most of my life due to work, and it’s honestly common courtesy to take one and go if there is a line and come back for a second after you’re done with the first. What I’m assuming most of these commentators saying YTJ don’t realize is there ARE people in a hurry for work, planes, buses, etc. that would like to grab and go and wait for someone to make a double-decker waffle is complete BS.” xXTheLastCrowXx
1. AITJ For Refusing To Adopt One Of My Wife's Kids?
“My (41m) wife (39f) and I have been married for 2 years but together for 5 total. She has two kids from a previous marriage, ‘James’ (15m) and ‘Becky’ (8f).
I met them both after about 6 months of being with my wife and we all moved in together after a year.
Of her own accord a few weeks ago, Becky asked me to adopt her (their biological dad is absent and neither of them have seen him in years) which I thought was incredibly sweet and I was very moved. I’ve cared for her since she was very small and she thinks of me like her dad so I of course said yes and was willing to start looking into the process legally.
My wife was delighted too as apparently Becky had asked her about this first and she knew I’d say yes.
Separately, my wife then said to me that if I adopted Becky I also needed to adopt James out of fairness.
However, I am absolutely not going to do that. If Becky thinks of me as her dad then James absolutely does not. He’s never liked me and has no interest in bonding with me. He won’t come on one-on-one days out with me and never really has, will barely speak to me, doesn’t want me to come to his school sports, doesn’t want me to know about his life or his friends or his hobbies, etc. The few times I’ve managed to convince him to come somewhere with me out of necessity, he seemed like the unhappiest kid ever and so I’ve stopped forcing it now.
So you can see why I really don’t think this kid would want me to adopt him. I’m not his dad, I’m not sure he even really thinks of me as a stepdad but as his mother’s husband.
But when I explained this to my wife, I’m the jerk ‘treating the kids differently’, ‘he’s just a child, you need to be the bigger person.’ “You’ll be excluding him from the family if you don’t, how could you be so cruel and heartless” “You’re not the man I thought you were” etc.
I know he’s just a kid, and we haven’t asked him if he wants me to adopt him yet so maybe this is a moot point anyway, but I don’t even want to offer because I just feel so uncomfortable.
Maybe I am a bad person, I mean I love him on a familial level because he’s my stepson but I don’t feel connected with him. My wife has now said if I don’t adopt James I can’t adopt Becky (because apparently I can’t be trusted to treat them fairly) and I can’t say that to her because it would break her little heart.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- But speak with the kid and have others present. Your wife shouldn’t keep Becky from the adoption. Don’t stop trying but don’t be mad when he says no. He should be allowed to say no to the name change as well.
This is not healthy to do and will affect him in life.
Growing up I had 4 siblings, 1 stepbro, and a step-dad. My little sister only knew my stepdad as her dad. She luckily never knew or had to deal with my horrible, addict real father.
She asked my stepdad to adopt her so she would carry his name as he raised her. My mom and stepdad sat us all down together at the kitchen table and had a discussion. It was our own choice whether we wanted to keep our last name or be adopted by our stepdad and take his name.
My sister and younger brother were adopted by my stepdad. Nothing changed in our relationship, he was still the amazing stepdad he always was. I never felt left out or angry cuz of that. It was my choice and should have been.
I needed space as a kid too, I was very angry at life. I realized too late that I indeed wanted him to adopt me. He passed my senior year of high school. Family life didn’t change due to some of us not having the same last name.
Talk as a family. Be there when the boy needs it. Teenagers are just angry in general. When your real dad is a deadbeat it makes it harder. Find something he is interested in and try to plan something.
Don’t stop trying but don’t be mad when he says no. He should be allowed to say no to the name change as well. This is not healthy to do and will affect him.” mwitherspoon138
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, BUT please talk to James first. You seem to be a great step-parent to consider his feelings, but not talking him and offering a choice of relationship may cause resentment.
Something like
“Hey, James. I wanted to talk to you because your sister asked me to adopt her. I would love to do that, but I do not wish it to cause resentment between any of us.
While I am married to your mother and your sister considers me as her father, that does not mean you need to think of me as your dad nor it means you are any less part of the family.
It is just that our relationship is different. I do not wish to push your boundaries, but please remember I am willing to be here for you in any capacity you want me to be.
As long as we can remain civil and have some degree of mutual respect, you can think of me as you like, even if it is not the father. It is up to you. Also while I understand you may not want to be adopted by me now or maybe ever.
It does not mean you are not allowed to change your mind and if that ever happens please you can always come and talk to me. I just do not wish to force a paternal relationship between us if you do not wish there to be any.
It won’t make me care any less about you.”
Point of this is, talk to him. Be honest with him and tell him you wish to respect his boundaries but that you do not wish to force anything between you as long as you remain civil with each other.
Tell him you will still be there for him and adopting him is not out of the table as long as it is something he wants. And if he never does he is still an important part of the family.” Lilogy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, hands down. A former foster child here, who may have more insight into what a 15-year-old without a dad may feel. You are unequivocally the biggest jerk in this situation. “I doNt wAnT to bECauSe it’S uNcomFortaBLe fOR mE.” Wow.
You have to do things, even when you’re uncomfortable. Youre not the abandoned teenager in this situation, he is. You need to take a good hard look in the mirror, get over yourself, and accept that an ABANDONED CHILD is probably not going to be the easiest to win over.
He’s a teenager whose dad abandoned him, and you are expecting him to be overjoyed about YOU. He’s not going to behave in a rational way, he isn’t even fully developed yet. You want to adopt one and not the other?
You want to alienate him even more and cause further derision? I could care less if he’s not opening up to you, he’s a darn child who is probably grieving the dad he thought he would have.
He needs a counselor, and you need one too.” awittierusername
