People Tell Us Their Alarming "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Siding With My Wife Over My Sister?
“My post is about something my sister said to my wife. It started when we got engaged. We knew we were going to have an engagement of almost 18 months because I still had a year of law school. I asked my wife’s brother to be a groomsman and my wife asked my sister to be a bridesmaid.
One of the things my wife wanted was for her entire wedding party to have the same hairstyle. My sister normally keeps hers just long enough to tuck around her ears and my wife wanted her to grow it out for the wedding.
My sister’s hair is brown and all her other wedding party had black hair so my wife also said she would need to dye it.
Since recent events delayed our wedding on top of me having to finish law school, our engagement was even longer and my sister grew her hair more.
(we wanted our original guest list and plans and didn’t want to have to cut things by doing it earlier). My sister had grown enough to add a hairpiece for the day of the wedding to match the rest of my wife’s wedding party because by then it has been over two and a half years.
The woman we hired to do the hair of her wedding party did an excellent job, the hairstyles looked good and most importantly to my wife, they got them to look all the same.
When we saw my sister after our honeymoon her hair was back to her old hairstyle and was her original color.
Now, my sister can do whatever she wants with her hair but it is what she said to my wife that was out of line in my opinion. My wife told my sister her longer and black hair looked nice and she would have thought my sister would have kept it that style because even without the hairpiece on the day of the wedding her longer and black hair got tons of compliments.
My sister didn’t say anything that time but the next time we saw her when my wife mentioned her wedding hair my sister told my wife she hated growing out and having black hair and only did it so as not to rock the boat with my wife.
My wife was hurt when my sister said she hated her hair. I know my wife really liked how her wedding party looked at our wedding.
I think it was unnecessary for my sister to have told my wife she hated her hair and to have made the comment about rocking the boat.
AITJ for defending my wife and telling her she was overly rude and hurtful? She could have just said she missed her old style without adding the part about hating or the rocking the boat comment, it was unnecessary for her to say the rest.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Holy crap, you and your new wife are perfect for each other b/c you are both so entitled.
Any bride dictating the length and color of a bridesmaid’s hair (MAYBE with the exception of not wanting unnatural colors) is the definition of a bridezilla.
Despite that, your sister graciously agreed to accommodate your wife’s request and spent years growing out and dealing with longer hair she didn’t want just to please you.
After the wedding, instead of showing immense gratitude for that, your wife said SHE hated YOUR SISTER’S natural hair and preferred the wedding hair.
It was completely insulting and unnecessary. Sister already made a huge sacrifice for you, and now she’s getting insulted on top of it. She even let it go the first time, but your wife just HAD to bring it up again the next time she saw her.
Then to add insult to injury, YOU are now offended and insulted that she DEFENDED her own natural hair?! Seriously what is wrong w you?” letsdoitforthememes
Another User Comments:
“So, I’m gonna be controversial and say NTJ for defending your wife.
It’s your wife, that’s what you’re supposed to do.
However, your wife is a major jerk by harping on your sister over her hair! She obviously only grew it out for the wedding and preferred the style she had beforehand.
Just because it looked nice and she got compliments for it, doesn’t mean she was gonna keep it if it wasn’t her personal style. Some people like long hair, some like short, some like wavy curls, etc.
By commenting on it more than once, which your sister clearly let go of so as to not fight over it, she gave her honest opinion about the hairstyle.
She wasn’t the one being rude, your wife was.
You’re not a jerk for defending her, but you should probably tell her to tone down trying to control other people’s lives and personal style.” RoxasHughes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was insanely obnoxious and frankly narcissistic for your wife to control hairstyles for her bridal party to the point of getting your sister to both grow out her hair and dye it.
I would have said no on principle and your sister is honestly foolish for going along with it in the first place.
Your wife was then also very rude in commenting that she should have kept the wedding hair because that is an insult to your sister’s actual appearance and personal style.
Your wife is the problem here and it’s your sister you should be standing up for – and anyone else your wife oppresses this way.
Her behavior is so extreme that I doubt it’s an isolated incident.
Good luck with the marriage OP.” StompyKitten
14. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Stepmom Be Called The Grandma Nickname Of Her Choice?
“Alright, so my (18 F) girl (18 trans-MtF) and I are currently pregnant with our first baby and my stepmom (SM) is making a big deal about a nickname. She wants to be called “Meemee” (pronounced as if you were saying the word me twice) to my unborn daughter, my conversation with her went as follows:
SM: “I can’t wait to be a Meemee!”
Me: “SM, you can’t be Meemee, at least you can’t go by that nickname.”
SM: “And why not?” (She said this very in a very condensing voice)
Me: “Because my partner’s mom has been Meemee to all of her grandchildren, and that’s not going to be any different with this one; this will be grandbaby 8 for her.”
SM: “Well, you’re gonna have to tell her that she isn’t going to be Meemee to my little Cheryl!” (Not going to be my baby’s name and she knows this but keeps throwing fits about the name my partner and I chose, that’s a story for a different time though)
Me: “No, you’ve only been Meemee to a dog, and her name isn’t Cheryl and you know it.”
SM: “Too bad, this is my first grandbaby and I’m going to be Meemee whether she likes it or not.”
Me: “No, you aren’t, and this isn’t your grandbaby, just because you married my dad doesn’t make my baby your granddaughter, especially after telling my whole seventh-grade class that you love me less than you love my sisters because I have a disability.”
SM: “You need to get over yourself, just because I told a bunch of seventh graders that, you don’t want me to go by my nickname? That’s selfish of you.”
Me: “It’s also selfish and quite arrogant to think that just because I’m autistic, that means you can say one thing to my face and then go tell my sister something completely different to my sister behind my back thinking she wouldn’t tell me.” (She told me I would make a great mom to my face, then went and told my sister that I’m going to be a terrible mom and that she hopes my baby gets put into her legal custody.)
SM: “Well, either way, I’m your mother now so that means something, it means I have grandparent rights to that baby, and if I can’t go by the nickname Meemee, then I’m forbidding you from naming your daughter (daughter’s name) because I didn’t get along with your grandma.”
Me: “You do not have grandparent rights to my baby, my dad does, but you don’t, and you are NOT my mother.”
My stepmother hasn’t ever treated me the same as she does my sisters, I don’t go to my dad’s to visit because of her.
She believes that because she married my dad that she should have custody of my daughter and that she can decide what I name my daughter. I’m naming my daughter after my dead grandma who took care of me for most of my life, and my girl has agreed to this as she also looked up to and adored my grandma and thinks this is a beautiful way to honor her.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yes, she is married to your father. No, she doesn’t have grandparents’ rights. No. She doesn’t get to choose what your child calls her. You and your partner do. No, she doesn’t choose your child’s name.
You and your partner do.
I understand that you want a relationship with your dad. You, your partner, your dad, and your stepmother need to have a conversation before your daughter is born. You and your partner have to be clear about the roles of your daughter’s grandfather and his wife.
Boundaries have to be set for her. The consequences of breaking these boundaries are made clear to your dad and his wife. She can decide whether she wants to be part of your child’s life, or not.
Your dad can always be part of your daughter’s life.
At your home, or separate from his wife. They are not a package deal. That is why a conversation, among the four of you is important. Everyone, especially her, has to be clear that she won’t be allowed to bully herself into your daughter’s life.
You and your partner are your daughter’s parents. Your father is your daughter’s grandfather. Your partner’s parents are grandparents. Your stepmother is your dad’s wife. It is up to her to earn the title of grandparent. It isn’t automatic.
Congratulations on your new baby!” mrslII
Another User Comments:
“Jesus NTJ.
Even your father doesn’t have grandparents’ rights. I’m fairly certain that only applies if say a grandparent has raised a kid and is being cut off for no reason. Even then, I’ve never heard of it being granted.
I would seriously consider cutting her off completely.
“You refuse to respect me, my boundaries and even my unborn baby. Due to past threats and actions you will not be having any contact with my family going forward.”
I would also reiterate that to your father.
Tell him he is welcome to visit you but her presence will not be tolerated. Sure, it puts him in a difficult position but I’m legitimately worried for your baby.” Auroraburst
13. AITJ For Not Allowing My Nieces To Attend My Wedding?
“My fiancé and I are getting married in December. We’re still really young (19 and 20) but it’s a family tradition of his to get married young and his family is incredibly strict on tradition, and I have always respected these traditions because they have never harmed anyone and are something that’s been in their family so long they can’t even remember how the traditions began.
My sister, McKenzie (23f), has 2 twin girls. One of which misbehaves and has already ruined many big events. When discussing my wedding recently, Kenzie mentioned that her daughters can’t wait for the wedding. I told her that I’m sorry but her daughters aren’t invited, one because she’d ruin it, and the other because it will be quite crowded and I know she has bad sensory issues, and I don’t think she’d enjoy it anyway.
I expected Kenzie to get upset at this but she simply said that she understands especially as her daughter has caused problems in the past, and she will find a babysitter as she still wants to be at my wedding.
Her fiancé was also more than happy to have the girls stay with a babysitter.
However, her fiancé is someone whom I grew up with. Meaning our families have quite close relationships and know each other well. When his older sister Chloe heard that her nieces weren’t invited, she got mad and said it was unfair to them, especially as other children are invited. I tried to reason that the other children don’t have sensory issues and won’t destroy my wedding, plus it’s something the specific invited kids would enjoy, but she wasn’t hearing it and screamed at me to either uninvite the other kids or to let her nieces go.
She got quite a few of her friends on her side and now I’m getting told continuously that I need to invite them too. My fiancé (and his sister who had been defending us, plus a few of his cousins) has been getting called horrible names by Chloe and her friends which is just adding to my endless list of reasons as to why she has zero chance of ever coming to my wedding.
My sister’s fiancé told her that it was fine, and the girls won’t even care, but Chloe is still pretty mad. She said I have something against her family because there’s no valid reason I’d not invite her or my own nieces.
I tried to reason that the reason I didn’t invite her is because of the way she treated my fiancé multiple times, but that just made her lose her temper more. I did end up blocking her but she’s still having people insist I should invite them.
AITJ? Should I just uninvite all children? Should I let them go? Should I keep things as it is?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your problem is that you think Chloe should have a say in this situation. You should have said nothing to Chloe but, “it’s under control, thanks.” It is simply not her decision or business and you have created an unnecessary problem for yourself by allowing her to get involved.
You know these kids will cause problems. Their parents obviously accept your decision. It’s sad that they’re in a situation where the kids are missing out because of their behavior, but the parents decided to raise the kids to be badly behaved enough to be banned from events.
So they have to live with the consequences.
No, don’t uninvite all children. One of the children you banned has a history of ruining events. That’s a reality. It’s not that you’re targeting her unfairly. Keep banning the two problem kids.
You need to stop discussing this with anyone but the children’s parents. Chloe needs to butt out. It’s not her wedding. They’re not her kids. It’s easy for her to mouth off and dictate to people because she has nothing to lose if the kid ruins the wedding.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH
‘I have always respected these traditions because they have never harmed anyone and are something that’s been in their family so long they can’t even remember how the traditions began.’
This makes no sense. In prior generations, many people married, had children, and died comparatively quite young.
If you just want to get married at 19/20, say you’re just getting married at 19/20.
Then, honestly, the decision about rejecting your nieces but having other kids isn’t great. You could have invited and discussed concerns with their parents and let the parents choose to not have them attend.
No kids is a rule. Not these specific kids is not a rule and it’s personal and ableist.
Finally, Chloe has no need to interact with you. Your sister should make sure that stops.” Tiny_Shelterr440
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, the parents are fine with them not coming. They’re fine with making other arrangements. This is between you and them, not every family member who wants to run the show. Sometimes excluding a child is unfair. But sometimes it’s appropriate because it would not end well for the child.
Your niece does not need a reputation as a wedding destroyer, and the poor kid with sensory issues shouldn’t have to suffer.” TinyRascalSaurus
12. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Friend's Bridesmaid?
“I (F34) would really like to know if I made the right decision or not. Last year a semi-close friend (F 26) asked me to be a bridesmaid at her overseas wedding. I accepted even though my instincts were screaming otherwise (should have listened but I have a hard time saying no in those situations).
Fast forward to earlier this year when the planning really begins to ramp up, now I am very aware that weddings are expensive in general which is why my husband and I eloped and I have been a bridesmaid in the past but I felt like her wedding is becoming ridiculously over the top and the date is still 7 months away.
Giving as many details as I can without giving myself away.
Aside from my dress, shoes, hair, makeup, flight, and paying full price for a 5-day hotel stay since she will not block rooms for her bridesmaids/guests who will be flying to her destination wedding.
It’s going to cost me $2-$4 thousand dollars since she’s getting married during peak season for that country just for me to go (my husband won’t be going due to the cost of the airfare alone) but apparently, I also have to pay for a portion of her bridal shower and her 3-day bachelorette extravaganza and I’m talking about in addition to what I have to pay for myself to attend these events.
She’s having a 40-guest super glittery pink-themed bridal shower that all her bridesmaids need to pay for. I’m talking about food, drinks, the decor plus what she wants us to wear for the day because like I said, it’s themed and it’s out of state so I need to pay for 2 nights at a hotel as well.
For her bachelorette party, apparently, I need to pay for myself plus help pay for her and the guests that she’s inviting and it’s a 3-day event starting with a full VIP nightclub event and ending with a full spa day.
Now I am aware that the bride doesn’t pay for much if anything at all for their bachelorette party but I was shocked to find out that I also need to contribute to other guests as well.
I spoke to the maid of honor as well as the bride and I was told it is what it is and that it’s tradition for the bridesmaids to pay for things.
I offer to help DIY things like her centerpieces and I got told I would have to pay for the supplies myself. Like I said I am aware of having to chip in for the bachelorette party since the bride normally doesn’t pay but the rest just seems like she wants to have this extravagant event that she can’t afford and is trying to make the bridal party pay for it.
I told her I couldn’t be a bridesmaid anymore as I can’t financially afford to and now she isn’t speaking to me because now she can’t have her bridal shower or bachelorette party how she wants them. Now I feel super guilty and feel like I made the wrong choice and should have sucked it up and tried to make it work financially.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The bride is wildly unreasonable. Just back out. Quite honestly, if you lose a friendship over this the friend was never really your friend.
This wedding is easily going to cost you close to $5-$6K when all is said and done and you and your husband can do a heck of a lot with that money including going on a dream vacation of your own.
Being a bride does not entitle you to people sacrificing their own financial wellness so you can have a happy time. That is just being a selfish human being. Whoever filled her head with the idea that she can have her dream wedding, dream bachelorette party, dream bridal shower and everyone should******* up and pay for it no matter what the cost is, is the jerk.
The bride is the jerk. You are NTJ.
The tradition of the bridal party paying for the bridal shower and the bachelorette party heralds from when the bridal shower was held at an aunt or friend’s house with decorations and homemade food.
The bachelorette party was a night out on the town with friends. Not some 3-day destination gala that costs each person hundreds of dollars if not thousands of dollars. Same with being a bridesmaid. It was to stand up with the bride and support her on her wedding day – not spend thousands for her pleasure.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Whoa. NTJ. This girl is not your friend. One of my best friends just asked me to be a bridesmaid for her destination wedding and when she asked she let me know she would 100% understand if I couldn’t afford that.
The only thing she expects me to pay for is myself although because she is such a great friend I will be trying to do more for her if I can. She doesn’t have all these ridiculous expectations and she is trying her best to make the accommodations affordable for her guests.
This girl only asked you to be a bridesmaid because she needed more people to pay for the crap she wants but does not need. Stick to your guns, do not be a bridesmaid, and don’t even waste time or money going or getting her a gift. I repeat this girl is not your friend.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Oh heck to the no NTJ.
Bridezillas are way out of line with these 5-day destination weddings and 3-day bachelorette extravaganza and out-of-state bridal showers.
She should either ask only wealthy friends to be bridesmaids or she should marry an NFL star so she can fully fund all these grand events she wants.
If nothing else her 3 events sound as though they’d be eating up 2 weeks of your vacation time by the time the out-of-country wedding is included.
Why are you feeling guilty for not emptying your bank account and your vacation time for this extravagance?
You called it exactly right, she wants events she can’t afford so she’s trying to sock the bridal party with the bills. That’s not how friends behave, even semi-close ones.” DevilSilver
11. AITJ For Not Giving A Room To My Autistic Brother In My New House?
“I (27) bought my first house last year with my husband, “Marcelo.” It is 4 bedrooms 1.5 baths.
I organized a master, an office since Marcelo works from home. The smallest bedroom we have prepped to become a nursery and the final bedroom is a guest bedroom, with the idea it will eventually become a kid’s room.
Recently, my grandma was visiting my new home with my cool uncle “Rocco,” his wife “Kate,” and my Uncle “Richard” (60m).
I don’t get along with my Uncle Richard, but for some reason, he absolutely loves Marcelo so decided to tag along for the visit.
Well, while I was making dinner for all of us, Marcelo took my family on a tour of the home.
When we finally sat down to eat, my Uncle Richard asked where my brother’s (20m), “Robbie’s” room would be. I replied, obviously if he is visiting he would stay in the guest room like any other guest. My uncle Richard said he meant when my brother comes to live with me.
For context, my brother has Autism and has difficulty with work/independent living. He currently lives with my father in another state. When he was born, my parents were both addicted and my mother had severe PPD. At the age of 8, I started raising him basically as a parent.
I was the one who had to ask a doctor when I was 13 to get him diagnosed and to receive aid. I cooked for him, changed diapers, corralled him from his eternal wandering, went to IEP meetings, etc. I love him, and it isn’t his fault, but I basically gave up my childhood for him.
My dad, who has been sober for 11 years, currently takes care of Robbie. However, my dad has major health issues and does not expect to live past the next 10 years. It is common knowledge in my family that Robbie will be my responsibility when my father passes.
Well, I told him Robbie wouldn’t live with me. When I was looking for a home, the one I purchased was high on my list since there is a large group home a block away (5 min walk) for people with disabilities.
Many residents there have ASD and it is within walking distance of the grocery store and a few other locations that hire the residents for part-time work. I said that if Robbie is unable to stay in the home he is now which is in an area he enjoys, he would move to an apartment at the group home nearby.
In the meantime, it seems like he should stay where he is.
My uncle Richard told me I was a bad sister and that I couldn’t just “abandon” my brother. I told him that I already sacrificed my childhood and I won’t sacrifice my future children.
Plus, I see my option as giving my brother more independence, not “abandonment.” Furthermore, it is more important to do what Robbie is most comfortable with, which for now seems to remain in the city he currently lives in with my dad.
Finally, I told my Uncle that if he is that concerned that Robbie lives with family, that he has several empty rooms in his house that he can use.
My uncle Richard called me a jerk and stormed out of my home.
My grandma and husband agree I was in the right. However, my uncle Rocco and Kate think I could have been a bit nicer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP!
As a retired special education teacher who spent years working with special needs adults I’ve seen this scenario more times than I can count.
In their desperation to ensure that their special needs family member is cared for after they themselves are dead, they totally ignore the possibility that the person they’ve chosen as “designated caretaker” (A) has NOT signed up for a lifetime of sacrifice in service of a disabled relative and (B) that disabled relative may outlive the “designated caretaker” family member – and then what happens?
Your plan of providing Robbie with a place in a residence is an excellent one. He’ll have 24/7 care, friends, activities, birthday and holiday parties, and a day program to attend as well. In short, he’ll have what we all want and need – a life of his own!
OP, you were already parentified and forced into the role of an unpaid maid to your brother. Don’t let anyone guilt you into playing that role for the rest of your life!” Marzipan-Shepherdess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s none of your uncle’s business what arrangements are made for your brother unless he has some sort of guardianship.
My mother’s sister has Down syndrome (very high functioning). She lived at home with my grandmother for about 40 years with the goal of someday moving into a very nice, very popular, very active group home in our city (long wait list because this place is amazing).
She has now lived there for about 15 years and her quality of life has improved drastically. Sure she got plenty of socialization, human interaction, and love while living at home, but now her circle is so much wider and she has blossomed. The reason I’m saying this is to let you know that I think your plan for your brother is a good one (as long as he is on board) and you should stick to it until/unless something changes.
I hope it benefits your brother in the long run.” emilyinfini
Another User Comments:
“You did more for your family/brother before you turned 18 than anyone at that table has in all their decades of being alive.
They have no standing to judge you, expect anything of you, or feel anything but gratitude (and a huge helping of shame, to boot) for the sacrifices you made as a literal child… that they are not prepared to make as 60yo adults.
Where the heck were they when you needed them??? What are they doing planning your future when they actively participated in robbing you of your past?
No, OP. Just… no.
Please do not doubt for one single second that you’re the jerk, or that you, of all people, don’t know what’s best for your brother.
Ooh they make me so angry for you! NTJ NTJ NTJ… and everyone but your hubs and granny owes you an apology, along with an earnest commitment to be “nice” to you, and make up for their catastrophic failings by supporting you and Robbie in any and all ways you require from this moment forward.
I just want to hug you!! And spill coffee on Uncle Richard’s… “lap”! What a piece of work that guy is! I hope he gets pebbles in his shoes often, and an itch in his ear he can never quite reach, and may all the poops of all the dogs somehow appear in his be-pebbled and walking path from now until he apologizes!” HelloRedditAreYouOk
10. AITJ For Telling My Ex Stepson That He's A Lazy Pig?
“My son (16m) is making me reconsider my actions from a few years ago. Some context I (46m) took care of 3 kids.
They are a 19m stepson, 16m son, and 13f daughter.
During 2020 winter, my current wife (44f) who I was doing long distance with for about two years was finally going to move in with us. My two sons and I cleaned up and renovated the whole house together with new furniture and all the fixings when she arrived. However, about two weeks after her being here, I checked my stepson’s room and it was so unorganized with papers and clothes everywhere, with cups of coffee on the counters.
I was so embarrassed as I feel I didn’t raise him to be this way, especially in front of his supposed-to-be new stepmom. As soon as he came back the next week, we instantly got into a screaming match for almost an hour about how could he leave his room in such a state when the rest of the house was so clean.
He said he was busy dealing with stuff for college (at the time of this he was 17) and school in general was taking a toll on his mental health. However, a few years ago, he was doing fully online school where he’d just be on an iPad in bed until noon.
I didn’t really see the challenge and hardship of all this, and I may have taken it a bit far. I called him a “lazy pig who needs to realize being in bed all day isn’t an excuse for being so dirty.” He started tearing up and left that night to stay full-time at his mom’s, and we’ve been in no contact since.
While I do miss him, I did not want a fully grown man acting this way in front of my new wife, and at the time felt I did the right thing.
Back to the present day past weekend, I drove down a few states to see my mom and a few of my siblings, taking along my current wife and previously mentioned son.
Everything was going well when we arrived, but during one family dinner, my younger sister asked me how my oldest stepson was doing as she used to babysit him while we still lived in the area. I simply told her that he and I got into this massive fight over him just cleaning his room, leading to him leaving the house due to his laziness.
However, my younger son decided to chime in saying something along the lines of “What? That’s not what happened at all. You pushed him away because you put all your attention on (current wife’s name) moving in while he was struggling to figure out a way to pay for college while you just mocked him.” This caused all of our extended family to just stare at us.
We left a few moments later and my son and I continued the conversation in the car with me blatantly telling him “he embarrassed me in front of everyone for no reason” and now he gave me the silent treatment until we came back home.
AITJ for this whole situation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. By your OWN account, you mocked a 17-year-old boy who TOLD you he was dealing with mental health issues. By your son’s account, you did worse than that and completely neglected him.
I tend to believe your son’s account since you didn’t seem fazed by it at all—you only cared that he embarrassed you by calling you out in public.
Your stepson’s room was HIS room. Unless it smelled or had bugs, you had zero right to expect him to clean it to YOUR standards, just to impress your wife.
And the moment he told you he was going through a hard time with mental health issues, his room should’ve been the lowest of priorities.
You seem to care very much about impressions, and very little about being a good person.” claireclairey
Another User Comments:
“Without a doubt, YTJ here. These two incidents highlight just how much of a narcissist you are. The first incident was you being embarrassed that your new wife would somehow view you negatively based on your stepson’s room condition.
Instead of engaging with him and seeing if something is wrong, you screamed at him and called him a lazy pig, and he moved out to live with his mom and you haven’t spoken since. He’s a literal child (a minor) and you’re a grown man who can’t even bring yourself to talk to him to resolve these years later.
Your example to your other two children is that they’re dispensable and you are stubborn and refuse to reach out and make amends.
The second incident is your other son, who is also a minor, having enough common sense to highlight how you failed his sibling and how it’s always about you and your new wife.
I get that it’s embarrassing but your focus here is your embarrassment, not what was actually said and how it’s impacting your entire family.
How else do you think your three children and your family are taking you only caring about your wife and making zero effort with your elder son?
What kind of dad is so full of himself that he won’t reach out to his son after all this time? Anyone with half an ounce of compassion could understand how difficult those years were for everyone, especially kids who are used to hanging out with friends.
Literally, childhood is when we learn social skills to build on. I know kids who delayed college and took a gap year to avoid online classes so they can get a real in-person experience. How is this hard for you to understand?
Your son even gets it.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“Honestly YTJ. If the mess was just in his room leave it at that and close the door. It’s his room.
I mean a dirty room doesn’t mean someone is lazy it’s just not a priority.
The fact that you recognized that “you didn’t raise him to be this way,” you should have just talked to him calmly about the room. And ask WHY it’s a mess. Not yelling at home to have a clean room.
Online learning is hard especially if you’ve done in-class learning for so long and I cannot imagine doing this the year before college. The environment is different.
The place that you used to get away from school became your classroom.
The separation of home and school changed in an instant and some people just cannot adapt that quickly.
So I don’t blame him for not cleaning his room.
It’s time to reflect and apologize if you miss him.
But this whole “grown man acting this way” is nonsense. And it needs to go.
He’s 19… He’s still growing up.” Reddit User
9. AITJ For Getting Upset That My Wife Contacted A Male Co-Worker To Put Together Our Baby's Crib?
“My wife and I are expecting a baby girl three months from today and she has been stressing me to get the baby room ready. For the past week and a half, I have canceled all plans and have been focusing only on trying to get the room ready to make my wife happy.
The only thing I have not canceled is my son’s extracurricular activities. One is karate which he does twice a week and the whole process of taking him and coming back home takes two hours. Two is boxing which is once a week and again takes two hours.
Three is therapy which is once a week and takes one and a half hours. For 3 days straight, I worked on the room late into the night installing new peel-on flooring, painting the walls, putting together the bed, the dresser, and the nightstand.
At this point the only thing really left to do is build the baby crib which had arrived on day 4.
On the 4th day after working overtime and then taking my son to one of his activities and then coming home and eating, it was late and I was tired. I didn’t work on the room that night.
On the 5th day after working overtime again and after work, I took my wife’s car to the shop to get some work done, I came home and ate, and did a few chores around the house and I did not work on the room that night as well.
I decided that on the 6th day after I come home with my son, I was going to build the crib late into the night even though knowing I had the next day off and I could just work on it in the morning the next day, but I could tell my wife was starting to get irritated and be stressed that the baby crib has not been built, so I decided I would do it that night.
To my surprise when I got home that day with my son, we stayed outside to deal with some trash issues and clean up the mess. While we were cleaning outside, one of her co-workers, another man, came into the driveway.
I asked him if my wife had called him to come and build the baby crib and he said yes. I told him I’m not going to let another man build a baby crib for my little girl and that’s my job and he can wait until I finish cleaning and then we can build it together.
I know this man; I’m cool with this man and he’s helped me with the floor and the dresser for the baby’s room. His help on those things was something that was asked for and I agreed to it.
If my wife had approached me and talked to me about calling him to come help me build the crib one of these days, that would have probably been cool with me.
But him showing up without my knowledge and coming to my house to specifically build the crib without me, I found that to be very disrespectful on my wife’s part. My wife has been disrespectful to me in the past and at this point am done with this relationship.
Am I right to be mad or am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your wife doesn’t need to check with you before she reaches out to a friend to ask for help with something. You’re working long hours and have a lot on your plate.
She’s an adult and can ask for help at her house the same as you can. It’s natural that she would see you could use some help and call up the person who has been helping with the baby room (who she knows you are cool with) to come back and help out.
The fact that you think it’s “disrespectful” to you that she asked a friend to come to help with something you’re struggling to get to, presumably just because he’s male, is a huge red flag. You don’t have issues with this guy, you have issues with the fact that your wife talked to another man even though you know him and are comfortable with him.
Your reaction to “another man building my baby girl’s crib” is way over the top as well.
The max reasonable response to this would be talking to your wife about communicating more so that you are kept in the loop.
Like “Hey honey, next time could you shoot me a text to let me know you’ve asked so-and-so to come over and help? I’d like to be on the same page so I don’t come home and end up shocked when someone is in my driveway.”” Meemaws_BearCheese
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re working. You have activities for your son four nights a week. You’re doing overtime. You’re doing other tasks, such as taking the car to the shop.
There are limits to how late you can reasonably stay up working – you’re probably keeping the rest of the household awake, working late into the night, and everyone needs to be up and ready to go the next morning.
Wanting to do it all yourself is selfish if it means that you’re disrupting the entire household routine to do so. The late-night needs to be quiet so everyone can sleep, not filled with the noise of you doing household work.
And there is no shame at all in getting outside help when there is more work than you can do in a reasonable number of hours in a day.
Your wife saw the problem and came up with a practical solution.
One that was considerate of the amount of work you do, when she saw that it was more than you could handle in a reasonable day. She deserves thanks, for taking the initiative of getting needed help, not anger.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk, but I think you’re overreacting.
Also if you’re having such negative thoughts and feelings towards a woman who’s about to give birth to your child, what were you doing getting her pregnant again in the first place?
You need to get over yourself a little bit. The whole “my house, my baby, my responsibility” thing is a toxic mentality to have. It’s not “your house” it’s you and your wife’s and your son’s and your future baby’s house.
It’s not “your baby” it’s you and your wife’s baby and your son’s future little sister. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. I wouldn’t be surprised if you looked inward and found the instances that you feel your wife has been “disrespectful” to you are similar to this one.
If that’s the case, you need to step out of the mindset of an individual and into one of a father and member of your family.
Your wife is about to give birth. She can’t physically build the crib herself, but if she’s worried you won’t have time or that you already have too much on your plate, I can totally understand her reaching out to someone to help.
Again, it takes a village. At least she reached out to someone you have a positive-neutral relationship with.
I think this is a matter of you feeling like you have to do everything yourself because you’re the “man of the house.” It’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to accept help you didn’t ask for.” Automatic_Clothes772
8. AITJ For No Longer Wanting To Go On A Family Trip?
“I (f22) have a very big family.
I have 3 step-siblings and 4 half-siblings. I am one of the older ones. I go to medical school and moved out 2 years ago. Since my parents (mother and stepfather) have so many kids to take care of they aren’t able to help me out financially as much.
They do pay for my education (which is about 3k per year) just like they do for the other kids. I have a job and use student loans to pay for all of my expenses.
Due to hard times and other reasons, the kids that go to college (4 of us in total, including me) would have some delays.
So next year, I still have to finish/pass 3 classes. This isn’t a lot so I am planning on working extra shifts and maybe I’ll go on a trip or something like that. The other kids in college have more classes to do next year so they aren’t able to do these things.
I was planning on using the extra funds that I am going to make due to working extra shifts for all of my expenses so that I don’t need to use student loans anymore.
When I told my parents about my plans for the upcoming school year, they suggested that I pay for my own education now since I am going to be working a lot more.
I personally find this quite unfair since they’re still paying for everybody else’s. So just because I passed more classes than my siblings I’m getting their financial help taken away? When I said this to them they disagreed and said that I ‘just need to set different priorities next year.’ I was quite upset but decided to let it go since it was their money at the end of the day.
So this summer we are going on a family trip. My parents are paying for everything but they asked the kids above 18 to pay half of the plane tickets. Which is about 200 euros. I was totally fine with this. But now that my parents have decided to not financially support me anymore I’ve decided to not come along.
I wasn’t very excited about this trip in the first place but I still decided to go because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents/siblings. But now that they’ve said that I ‘just need to set different priorities next year,’ that’s exactly what I am going to do.
Those 200 euros can cover my books for the next semester…
When I told them I wasn’t coming anymore they were furious because ‘I was going to ruin our last family trip together etc.’ My siblings are divided on the matter.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It never bodes well for a large family not to treat all children the same. If your parents are tight on funds to pay for college, that burden should be distributed equally between all children currently attending college.
I hope you will take the time to have a heart-to-heart conversation and let them know how their actions are affecting you emotionally and monetarily. ie Mom and Stepdad, when you single me out to be the only child that you don’t help with tuition, it makes me feel (insert your feelings here).
Be completely honest with them and use examples that they would understand. If your Mom likes sports, give her a sports analogy. Use imagery that they understand.
Hopefully, they will be able to do a paradigm shift and understand your point of view.
Try also to do the same for them.
Good Luck!” unapt2do4u
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Do you think you’ll regret your decision to not go on vacation with your whole family if you don’t go on this trip?
I’m definitely not trying to make you feel guilty, and you are an adult who can make your own decisions about how to spend your money. You are well within your rights to not go on the trip for any reason you see fit.
However, you might want to think about if you’re not going out of spite or if you really need the extra funds. If your whole family is going, you may end up feeling left out or wish you would have gone.
Of course, if you’re truly ok with not going, then do what you feel you need to do.” So**********y
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents can’t have it both ways. They either financially support you for the college expenses like they do everyone else, or they can’t make decisions that include spending your money, i.e. family vacation.
If they want you to go, they need to cover all your expenses. Unfair to demand you spend your money to go on a family vacation and then also tell you to take on add’l education costs.
Very smart of you to save that 200 euros.
Books are a much better use of those funds.” voluntold9276
7. WIBTJ For Reporting My Coworker For Trying To Start A Relationship With Me?
“I (18f) have been working at my job for over a year and a half and love working here.
I’m one of the very few people who continue to work even while in school. For the sake of the story, we’ll say I work at a craft store.
We got a new hire, NH (m23-25?) at the beginning of the year who has been asking..
questions, fishing for my age. My first interaction with him was when I was opening the fabric-cutting station. He came over to give me a hand and started going on about how another coworker said he looks older than he is and asked me how old he looks.
I brushed it off and said “Oh, I’m really bad at guessing ages, sorry. Most people can’t even tell how old I am, lol.” We had a few more little conversations about historical movies, I never really added to the conversations much because I’m a lousy conversationalist but I still was polite.
He still would bring up his age every once in a while. I told him on a few occasions I’m still in high school hoping that would get him to leave it alone.
He also has a nasty habit of standing over me while I would draw during downtime in the shop or during my break.
It was extremely awkward and visibly made me uncomfortable. I still remained cordial and would try and chat when he would give me a hand opening my station. His liking of me wasn’t completely unnoticed, I had three coworkers joke that he has a crush on me but I brushed it off.
During my last shift I was getting ready to leave and already put my earbud in and started walking down the street home (I walk to work). When leaving I heard footsteps behind me. I’ve had walkers behind me before but this sounded like it was directly behind me so I quietly freaked out.
I sped up for about 20 feet, and the footsteps continued, till I hear the new hire yell my name. I assumed maybe I dropped something and turned around while still walking, just slower this time. He awkwardly sputtered out a request for my number, I quite taken aback said “Oh, why?”
NH- “You know, I just want to hang out sometime”
Me-“Ah.. Sorry, I only give my number to family.”
NH-“Oh..how ol- you’re still in high school right?”
Me- “Uhh yeah..?”
NH- “You’re a senior right?”
Me- “Mhm, look I have to get going, see you around.”
He looked really upset and went back to the shop as keep in mind, he was still on the clock. The whole interaction freaked me out, especially being chased out by him while he asked for my number. I’ve been quietly panicking about my next shift and if he’ll press me about what happened last time, I’m also jumpy because he knows what direction I live in and that I walk to work (a long-held secret at my job).
Why I think I would be the jerk: A few of my friends have told me to report him because of this incident but I don’t know. We’re short-staffed right now and I don’t want to get him in trouble but I also don’t feel comfortable alone around him anymore.
Should I report this?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You haven’t outright communicated your disinterest to him, you’ve only relied on body language & social hints. Next time he does something that makes you uncomfortable, say he is making you uncomfortable.
As for the “following you,” in my opinion, that’s not what happened. He tried to catch up to you, so you guys could talk privately. You walk to work & I’m not sure why that’s a secret & he knows vaguely the direction you live in, not where you actually live.
Honestly, I would just confront him. “Hey NH can we talk about the other day? You surprised me when you asked for my phone number and I just want to be clear with you that I’m not interested in being anything other than a coworker.
Okay?”
I wouldn’t mention him “following you” cause I believe that’s open to interpretation. But if it happens again, say something at the moment. “OMG, I thought you were a mugger. Please say my name next time you’re trying to get my attention, running after me like that isn’t okay.”
As others have said, if he continues to try & ask you out after you’ve said no, then report it. Until then, treat him like you always do.” Stefie25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please DO report him. He KNOWS you’re still in HS and is trying it with you.
He’s GROSS AND CREEPY.
And OP, when someone is following you, only speed up if you are in an unsafe place. Most of the time people are following you to intimidate you and if you act scared, you encourage them; if you don’t act scared, a lot of them will eventually leave you alone.
But your safety comes first.
So if you are in a well-trafficked area with plenty of people and light around you, don’t speed up; cross the street or just turn around and walk back the way you came. SEE WHO’S FOLLOWING YOU and assess whether you’re just walking in the same direction or if they’re deliberately following.
Do not hunch over or look scared; stride confidently and look them full in the face. This is enough to send a lot of jerks on their way.
If they continue to follow, and/or start to harass you, however, tell them “I’m calling the cops,” and/or just walk into the nearest, well-lit, well-trafficked business.
Ask people there for help and stay in there until your harasser goes away. Do not hide from them. Stay where you can see them and they can see you seeing them. When you’re safe with other people, take out your phone and point it at them and take pictures.
If you aren’t in a safe place with people and light, walk fast or just flat-out run towards one. Go into a business with people in it and call the cops.” JadieJang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is not how a person flirts.
At least not a normal one.
Ok so I’m significantly older than you (39 if you care) and I just recently started seeing a guy from work (41 so he’s age appropriate for me) and do you know how our flirting went?
We talked during breaks and lunch. Would “accidentally” bump into each other. Nothing overt, just passing touches. One Saturday (doing overtime), I split my knuckle open. So he helped me bandage my finger while I ate a donut. We would also text daily, very flirty and playful.
One day at lunch he came out and said “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I find you very attractive.” I told him I felt the same way. So we went on a proper outing and had a blast.
That’s how we flirted. Does everyone do it like that? No of course not. But it was mutual flirting and brushing against each other’s arm when no one was looking.
You need to go to HR and tell them you don’t feel safe around X.
That he chased you out of the store one day (while on the clock) to try and get your number, scaring you in the process. While a 5-7 year age gap isn’t a deal breaker for most, you are still a child at the end of the day.
I know legally you’re an adult, but barely. Your brain is still developing, and it will continue to do so until about 25.
Oh and don’t worry, I still don’t always realize when guys (or girls for that matter, lol) flirt with me.
It’s just with this guy, it was obvious and thankfully it was mutual.
So be brave be strong and maybe look into martial arts classes, lol.” Maleficient_Ad8757
6. AITJ For Being Honest With My Autistic Son?
Such a tricky situation no matter how you look at it.
“My oldest is 17 and in 11th grade and is high functioning autistic. School for him has been a massive struggle.
He is now hitting the age where 1 he is bigger than I am physically & 2 he is absolutely able to say no. So making him do anything isn’t an option. He was in therapy (refuses to go now) and was seeing a psychiatrist, has a primary doctor, has an IEP at school, and is in appropriate classes but the struggle is continuous.
But has gotten WORSE this year.
To the point where today I think we have hit an impasse. His school has called 7x in the past week. And he has been sent home 2x now. The first round, he was sent home because he got upset a teacher touched him which his IEP said is a NO. I won’t even go into when they called the resource officer because he yelled no at the teacher.
Which didn’t help the situation it escalated it. The 2nd send home was because he had a fever so not his fault.
Today was him being “stinky”. The thing is he isn’t, no he isn’t stinky he just refuses to smell heavy of cologne or any smell really because of his autism.
He wears deodorant (scentless) and only has 4 outfits he will wear 2 are matching because we just bought the same outfit twice since he likes it. But the teacher/school is upset he wears the same clothes and never clean clothes….
I was like no they are clean he just has matching outfits!
I was told I had to pick him up today and was threatened with DSS or having him put in an “institution”(exact wording) if he wore the same clothes again/didn’t smell good.
I was livid and while I’m going to report the school and teacher as he has notes in his IEP about this, I was severely blunt with my son in letting him know what was going on. That lack of bathing has led the school to threaten DSS and institutionalizing us.
And this endangers him and his younger sibling.
AITJ for being blunt with him? Was I too blunt, I don’t want him scared but at the same time, I am scared since DSS is scary. They are a terrible organization, especially in our area!
And while our house is clean, has plenty of food, and definitely doctors’ care (because special needs in both of my kids), we live on a farm so both kids have plenty of room, video games, etc. I’m just wondering if I went too far or if was there a better way to handle this.
I think I might be the jerk because while he is 17 I feel like it was harsh for me to blame him for this?”
Another User Comments:
“This is not an AITJ situation with a simple answer…
Working for many years with youth and adults in a 72-bed facility, my opinion is you did just fine.
You have to do what you need in order to get them to do the right things and hygiene is important.
Now, back to the IEP being ignored. Yes, the teacher messed up with the touch and needs to understand the IEP and the reasons behind it.
It’s up to you to set up a meeting with your son’s school counselor and the teacher(s) to ensure it’s understood.
Did the teacher screw up and touch your son? Yes. Did the school respond appropriately and involve a resource officer?
We don’t know because I really doubt “no” was the only thing that was said or done that caused the teacher to call for the resource officer. That being said, if your son was not able to calm down after the incident, it was in your son’s and the rest of the school’s best interest to have you come get him in order to calm him down and let him come back the following day after he had a chance to do so.
Should you talk to your son about hygiene (body and clothing) to help him be an adult until he gets it? YES!!! That being said, there are MANY teens who don’t regularly shower and stink because of it. There are also some who stink no matter what they do.
Was it out of line to teach him about DSS? Absolutely not. It’s a real concern and something he must understand as to the reason you are insisting on him taking better care of himself as a 17-year-old.
Was the school out of line for threatening you with contacting DSS?
Unfortunately, no. Be glad they actually let you know. If they are legitimately concerned for your child’s well-being, as a reporting institution, they are 100% legally required to call the authorities. Often, a teen’s poor hygiene is an indicator of many other issues and in today’s public schools black and white views could be one of a few factors they use to ensure they are meeting legal reporting requirements.” snewton_8
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk.
As a parent of a teen with autism myself, I can sympathize with the fact that sometimes there is no magic solution to a difficult situation. So you just have to try a strategy, and if that doesn’t work, you have to try the next one.
Sometimes being blunt has helped my kid to change his behavior. Not often though. If you use the blunt approach, you have to be certain that the child has all the skills and capacities needed to change his behavior. Otherwise, you create an impossibly stressful situation for him.
If anyone is the jerk here, it’s the school staff who are: a) not following the IEP, b) apparently not having an even rudimentary understanding of autism, for example, wanting to wear the same clothes is very common and c) threatening to report you to DSS because of body odor.
In a teenager. Really? If they call DSS, I hope the social workers laugh in their faces — ’cause social services has bigger problems to worry about.
Lots of hugs, Momma. If it’s any consolation, my guy went through a period where I was lucky to get him in the tub or shower once a month.
It was rough! But no one at school called our equivalent of social services. Now he showers on his own, without me having to remind him, every couple of days. Change is possible. It just never happens as fast as we want it to!” cpagali
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ for blaming him for the school’s actions.
An IEP is legally binding, and his school is not just refusing to follow it but they are actively going against it. Your son isn’t being difficult (except for the bathing part), he’s just refusing to let the school walk all over him over his disability.
But honestly, as long as he’s bathing at least twice a week and using deodorant, and wearing clean clothes, he shouldn’t stink.
It sounds like your son’s school is being incredibly discriminatory against him, which is also illegal. Don’t blame him.
Lawyer up instead.” Logical-Wasabi7402
Another User Comments:
“First of all, the freaking school cannot institutionalize YOUR child. That’s ridiculous and for them to say otherwise is quite frankly screwed up. This school is failing YOU and YOUR SON, period. If only you could have moved him to a better-suited and acceptable school before he was 17.
On to the issue of him smelling. You can try to give him a baby wipe bath or a bird bath. Sometimes that’s easier for the kids than a full-on shower or bath which can be overstimulating. Also, start testing out different scents on your son.
You might be able to find something that doesn’t bother him but makes him smell good enough for the teachers to drop that bullcrap.
One final thing, there is a difference between behavior caused by your son’s autism and completely out of his control, and just bad behavior that he knows better than to do.
Your son is doing nothing wrong at all here. The school is obviously not educated enough on the LAWS behind an IEP, autism, and your son’s needs and it’s scary to think that these people are even allowed to teach special education.
I recommend moving schools for your son ASAP. You and your son deserve better. If they threaten to institutionalize your son again, I would throw the biggest fit of all time. Saying that to you when it is clearly unwarranted is one of the rudest and most screwed-up things you can say to a parent.
This is you and your son vs the school. Your son was not the problem in this scenario. Your son is misunderstood by a bunch of idiot teachers who should have their education degrees called into question if they act like this toward their students.
Heck, the universities they graduated from should have their programs shut down if this is how they teach and train future teachers.
Best of luck to you and your son OP.” EugenicsProfessor
You need to protect your son and warning him of what could happen if he doesn't wash is not being mean. Don't let him wear the same outfit, or what looks like the same outfit two days in a row. When you get him clothes he loves, try getting at least a different color of the same shirt so it is obvious he isn't wearing the same clothes.
This seems weird but, lay the two outfits that are identical out on a bed or table and take a picture. Send the picture to everyone in school who is claiming he stinks because he is wearing the same clothes. Keep a copy for yourself so you can show it to any cps worker who may show up. He could have one outfit on and not be home if the show up. This will make it clear. Document everything negative the school says or does so you can prove harassment. It helps.
5. AITJ For Walking Out Of A Dinner Over What My Grandfather Said To My Partner?
You ALWAYS need to stand up for the victim.
“This happened just a few hours ago.
It all started when my SO of six years and I got invited to a family dinner hosted by my grandparents in a celebration of our getting engaged.
A little context for later:
My SO has low self-esteem, due to bullying and other not-so-nice stuff that happened to her earlier in life.
My family knew that.
My grandparents… They are kind, loving, basically the best grandparents one could wish for… Or so I thought. My grandpa is a perfectionist and was always a bit strict as a result of his upbringing. I never disliked him for it, but this time he just may have stepped a bit too far.
Back to the story. We arrived, exchanging greetings and little presents, flowers for my grandma, and some chocolate for my grandpa, his favorite brand, as a little thank you for the dinner. Everything went great, we had a beautiful time, enjoyed the delicious food and talks with my and my SO’s family.
That is until my SO reached for the salt shaker on the table and accidentally tipped over a glass of red wine. And that’s when it all went downhill.
My SO was super apologetic and she definitely didn’t do it on purpose, however, my grandpa flipped out for no reason, getting super angry at her and saying she did it on purpose because who would put the wine glass there if they didn’t want to spill it… (P.S.
He goes off like this from time to time, it’s just him being him, but this was the first time he did go off on a guest).
Obviously, my SO started crying, not because she wanted to hide behind the tears, but because that’s just how she reacts in high-stress situations, and the shouting directed at her including words like useless, cow, and so on really didn’t help.
Now this is the part where I think I may be the jerk. I can stand insults directed at me, but not insults directed at my SO. When I calmed her down to just sobs, I got up, told, eh… shouted at my grandpa that no one, absolutely no one will talk to her like this, moreover because of a spilled glass.
And if he ever tries to do that ever again, I don’t want him in my life anymore. Then I told my SO that we are leaving, and we got up and left. (As I was the one to drive us two home, I didn’t drink, so I could drive, no DUI here.) I may have overreacted, but seeing my SO in this state just shatters my heart into thousands of pieces.”
Another User Comments:
“Ntj, but I think you should go to therapy… “Obviously, my SO started crying, not because she wanted to hide behind the tears, but because that’s just how she reacts in high-stress situations, and the shouting directed at her including words like useless, cow, and so on really didn’t help.” I think you may need to unpack why you think or feel that crying when someone is berating you is unacceptable if the person is “hiding behind tears” but acceptable if said person just reacts that way in high-stress situations.
It doesn’t matter that the victim (yes she was a victim) is crying. The problem is the person feels it’s ok to verbally mistreat them.” Available_Gazelle_92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you stood up for your SO, and that is to be commended.
Now about your grandfather, I have to ask, are these outbursts recent? Or is this something he’s always done? The reason I inquire is, my father began to get sudden outbursts, for no reason seemingly. And not long after that had a series of strokes, And the doctor said there could be some correlation between that.
Additionally, my mother as she became elderly (late 80s), started having, for lack of a better term, aggressive outbursts, at strangers. She was later diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer’s. And I think some of that was her own confusion.
So perhaps if these are new behaviors, someone might want to see if something else is going on.” justtired2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Grandpa really was out of line. People make mistakes because we’re human. Him being upset is understandable, but bringing dinner to a standstill bc he is upset? Calling a guest a “useless cow”? Really, what a jerk.
I don’t care if you’re 8 or 80 – that is inappropriate behavior.
Yet you didn’t make it any better. Yes, I think it was great that you stood up for your SO, while you did it in a way that threw gas on the fire.
Maybe try for more diplomacy next time? Have you considered going to talk to your Grandfather one-on-one sometime about what happened?” Huge_Industry_1259
4. WIBTJ If I Moved Out Of My Dad's House While His Wife Is Pregnant?
“I graduated last year and I haven’t done anything with my life. I know I’m stupid but I don’t have a car so what can I do?
I live with my dad and his family right now and today after learning some things, I decided to move out as soon as I can.
Those things and me being snoopy decided to look up my name in my sister’s phone.
I saw messages dating back to April of this year. They were about me, and my stepmom was saying something along the lines of “Don’t listen to OP, she has a different mind, ok? She’s weird, so just protect me, and one day, she’s going to leave.” She then sent a voice audio about how she loves her kids and then lists off my “siblings” and says “you guys are my kids, not them, they aren’t my kids,” them being me and my brother.
It hurt because she always talks about how she loves me and thinks of me as her daughter but come to find out she lied. She then sends another audio message about how I hate her and don’t like her, but I never said anything like that to her.
She says I’ve always been hating them because my siblings got everything and my brother and I got nothing. My brother and I grew up poor while my siblings were and are pretty much living the life in a nice neighborhood and enough money to buy new clothes whenever they want, they’re spoiled.
My half-sister replies and says that I always act nice, but I roll my eyes and say stuff behind their back so she “knows” that I hate them. I’ve never hated them, never in my life have I felt hate, and even now knowing that they think I don’t like them and that my stepmom basically despises me I still don’t hate them, I’m just upset with the situation because it all kinda just hurts.
I scrolled further and they were talking about how I was mad at her gender reveal party and how I wasn’t happy about the baby, but truthfully, I wasn’t mad about the baby. I was just upset because I wasn’t included in the video of when the baby’s gender was being revealed, or the pictures.
Instead of asking me about what happened, they just started assuming and it sucks. They act like the only feeling I have is anger, but half the time, I’m just sad, I feel left out most of the time, I feel like I don’t belong to that family and it hurts because my dad has another family and doesn’t give a crap about my brother and me.
My mom bought me a car a few days ago, it’s a crappy car but I’m just so glad she could help me with it. I was hoping my dad would, but he’s busy spending all of his money on his actual family.
I was waiting for my stepmom to have her baby before I decided to move over to my mom’s house because I wanted to be there for my stepmom when her water breaks, but I realized that she doesn’t think of me or my brother as family, so why should I care?
I’m moving on Thursday even if it hurts my dad’s feelings.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This makes me so sad. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Have you thought about having a family meeting and telling them what you’ve shared here?
Sadness can be mistaken for anger and they should know how you’re feeling.
Do yourself a favor and don’t go through others’ belongings. I’m sure you’re glad you know how others feel about and perceive you, but it’s a crappy feeling.
RuPaul always says, “It’s none of my business how people feel about me.” He’s right.” Thart85
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
They are bad people, but you don’t come off great here. I don’t believe for a second that you didn’t go looking for this or something similar on your sister’s phone.
My guess is you felt slighted and instead of being an adult, you decided to go digging. Don’t look through people’s phones, ever. It is creepy and invasive and kinda illegal.
Be an adult, talk to your dad, and remove yourself from the toxic situation.” Awkward_Un1corn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry to tell you but your stepmom sucks. It would be one thing if she just said crappy things to your dad behind your back & he accepted it – they’re adults & responsible for their own actions and opinions, but this lady has been tainting the relationships between you and her children and setting hers apart & up on a pedestal. That’s disgusting behavior and if your father is aware and accepting of this, I’d leave and never look back.
Were you able to screenshot or screen record and send yourself all the communications you found? If so, perhaps move out first so there’s some distance between you all and then send to your dad & stepmom with the message, “Is there any context you can provide to make these messages less hurtful & disgusting?”” Dissent-RN-78
3. AITJ For Getting Mad At A Lady For Walking Her Dog On My Grass?
“For context, I have 3 dogs. I am a dog lover, I have a rescue and 2 pugs.
A lot of my friends have dogs. So I feel like I’m pretty good with dog etiquette but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting with this woman in my neighborhood.
This woman has a large dog that she walks on her 25-foot retractable leash.
It annoys me that she fully extends the leash when the dog wants to explore and do their business on my lawn. I just wouldn’t. Edge of property, ok, but it feels intrusive. But that’s not what bugs me the most. When my husband and I are in the front yard, we let our dogs run around.
If we tie them up, they whine. They don’t leave the yard unless another dog walks by. So we keep an eye to see if people are walking down the street towards our house with their dog. Then we round them up and hold onto them until they pass by.
No big deal, after all, it’s our choice to make life inconvenient like that. Our street is not busy with cars, in case you’re wondering.
Most people will smile, say hi and try and walk by without lingering so we can let the dogs go again.
No big deal. But this particular woman will look at me, straight in the eye, extend her dog’s leash, let the dog take a crap, and then let it sniff around for however long it wants, maybe 5 minutes or more.
At first, I would smile and wait patiently because again, I know this is not optimal but we enjoy being outside with the dogs, normally we are in our fenced-in backyard but sometimes we are doing yard work, etc.
Well, my mother-in-law stopped by one evening and stood in the driveway talking as we said our goodbyes.
Said woman comes by with her dog and my husband and I quickly gather ours up. My mother-in-law noticed how long she took and actually said something “Would you mind moving it along a little, they’re holding the dogs for you to pass.” The woman smirked and moved about 10 feet down.
Since then, she seems to take even longer to pass by. Again, we aren’t out in front regularly, but it does seem that we always seem to have her pass by when we are out front.
So the last time, she walks by, we see her coming and grab the dogs.
She stands in front of our lawn, fully extends the leash as her dog takes a pee by my garage door. She looks at me and smirks. We don’t say anything at all, but wait for her to pass.
But she doesn’t and I can’t see what she’s doing because my husband’s car is blocking my view. So I peer around his car to the middle of my driveway and see her dog is just standing there and she’s looking at me.
I say calmly, ok, you’ve made your point. I let go of my dog and my husband does the same and they go charging to hers. We ignore her. She doesn’t say anything at all. She can’t move bc now her dog is playing with ours.
Finally, my husband picks up the pugs and brings them inside.
So AITJ? What should I do moving forward?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH but you’ll see I might be biased based on my experience.
She is obviously a jerk. No question.
But there’s no reasoning with people like that. My suggestion, though it might be overkill, is to install some kind of electric fence or automatic sprinkler system — something that will deter that dog from being on your property.
But as for you, here’s the thing.
I once ran over a little fluffball of a dog that ran in front of my car on a quiet street. Its owners tried and failed to catch and hold him. Because of this experience, my suggestion is to never, ever, ever let your dogs run around in an unfenced area.
By the way… this is a bit of a tangent, but here’s what happened next. The owners wrote down my license plate number and called the police. I’m not sure why. Perhaps they were seeking some kind of restitution? The police then called me and asked me two categories of questions: 1.
Was I okay? Was I harmed when I hit the dog? and 2. Was anyone else in the car and were they harmed? Since the answer was basically “No, we’re all fine,” they closed their file.” cpagali
Another User Comments:
“Okay, there are multiple points here.
I’m going to say ESH.
Her because of letting her dog roam your yard and taking forever.
But YOU for not LEASHING YOUR DOGS. It doesn’t matter if your street isn’t busy or not. If your dogs are in an area that is not fenced that has people/cars coming by at ANY time, leash them.
A friend of mine hit a dog because someone had their dog in their front yard and it ran in front of her car, she had no time to do anything, and she was MORTIFIED. But you know what? It was THE OWNER’S FAULT.
They kept saying ‘but our dog is always so well-trained,’ but obviously something had happened to make it run into the street.
Do not risk your dogs getting hurt by cars or other dogs. Either have them in the backyard where they can run around in the fenced-in area, or have them in the front yard ON A LEASH.
I don’t care if they whine. They could attack another dog/person, GET attacked, or get hit. Doesn’t matter how well-trained they are, that risk is there. Leash your dogs.” CelestinaGrey
Another User Comments:
“I would just recommend building a fence, it would be the most efficient way to stop her dog from getting to your yard, and it would be safer for your dogs as well.
Even though everything has gone well so far, unexpected things can happen. Like an off-leash aggressive dog running up to your dogs before you can round them up. Or your dogs could suddenly run up to a leashed aggressive dog etc. If you can, build the fence.
I would feel anxious knowing my dogs could just suddenly run off. Even if they are trained not to, they are still animals, and animals can be unpredictable.
Also, people saying Y T J for not saying anything to the woman.
After being told to move along by MIL, she intentionally took longer to move and the next time let her dog pee on the garage. And people seriously think this woman is not a jerk?! If OP or their spouse had said something, she would have done that sooner.
But seriously, the fence. Build it. She won’t stop otherwise. I would add a camera facing the fence too for good measure and a sign about it.” Jatulintarha
Another User Comments:
“In my state, dogs are allowed by the curb, in the right of way.
If her dog is going on your front lawn and by the garage, she’s trespassing.
I had mellow dogs before that we had loose in the front yard. But our township ordinance clearly states dogs must be leashed unless fenced. So yes, I broke the ordinance many times.
You can try to find out where she lives and call the cops on her. Install cameras outside and get evidence.
We’ve had petty cops here who would leave warning notices if our trash was partially blocking the sidewalk. So they handle what they call nuisance calls.
Not that your neighbor would abide by them, but you can buy yard stake signs that say please stay off grass.
If you have an HOA, you can lodge a complaint with them also.” ConsequenceLaw5333
2. AITJ For Bashing My Professor For Getting Into A Relationship With My Dad?
It might be awkward, sure, but it’s nothing to get angry over.
“I (19M) live with my dad (41M), my parents divorced when I was 12, and my mom remarried but my dad has remained single.
I’m in college, this is my second year. The past semester, I met a new professor (43M), and we got along really well.
I really enjoyed his class. We didn’t have a relationship other than professor-student.
My dad told me a year ago that he was seeing someone, but he didn’t want to introduce them to me until he knew they were the one, so I just let it go.
Past weekend (08/21), my dad told me it was time for me to meet his partner because they were trying to become more serious and move in together. To my surprise, his partner is my ex-professor, he was there at the restaurant table with his 25-year-old daughter and his 21-year-old son waiting for my dad.
Once there my dad told me how they met and that they’ve been together for 1.5 years, so they basically met each other before he became my professor or even before I met him, but it just feels weird and like something about this is so wrong because he was with my dad and teaching me how to build buildings simultaneously.
Mike (Professor) started saying how happy he is to finally let me know that he’ll be my stepdad and he also said that he thinks that our class together was a good start for us because we really got along, he also said that he wished to tell me many times but couldn’t because my dad didn’t want it that way.
His words made me mad, so I told him: “You can’t be happy about this, and seriously, are you even proud? You were hooking up with your student’s dad and you never said anything, you could’ve at least told me so I would’ve listed myself in another class with another professor, this is so unethical, you shouldn’t be proud of it.”
We finished our meals and then left. When we got home my dad was mad at me for calling his partner “unethical” but I really think he is unethical, you can’t get in a relationship with your student’s parent and think it’s ok, I mean there are rules and social norms (this has nothing to do with their s*******y).
My dad told me I was overreacting and that I’m not a kid so I’m not entitled to be ticked off because two divorced adults decided to love each other.
My dad says I should apologize because that made his partner feel so bad but I don’t think I’m in the wrong, this isn’t ethical and unprofessional, I get that they were seeing each other before but he could’ve either quit his job or told me to list myself in another class.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
They did nothing unethical or unprofessional unless they treated you differently as a student than they did the other students.
You didn’t even claim that though. It isn’t like they were grading your thesis for a doctorate program or deciding if you were to be expelled for some school violation.
Even if they were married to your father and you knew, there is nothing unethical about being your professor. Especially at a college level where even the student is expected to be a mature adult. The only difference would be at that point they would have to have another professor grade your work per some school’s policies just to eliminate any questions of favoritism.” Zestyclose-Republic1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what he did was unethical and a betrayal of your trust. He knew that he was seeing your dad and building a very friendly relationship with you. We do not know if he does this with all of his students but in this case, it seems that he wanted you to like him.
You did not know his relationship with your dad and now feel betrayed. It can also lead to other students assuming that you got preferred treatment if their relationship is now out in the open.
And I am sorry but you are an adult, why did you only get to meet him now, after 1.5 years?
Now that you are no longer taking one of his classes? That seems to me like they knew that it was unethical and decided to wait it out.
They both owe you an apology and a serious talk.” Senior_Log_4202
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You reacted emotionally to this info. While everyone involved in this story is an adult. With that being said:
It’s weird that the father mentioned it, but didn’t specify who he was seeing. Almost as if he knew it would be a problem and figured if it came out after the course is done no harm, no foul.
The move was calculated.
If they truly didn’t see a problem with it, the professor and father would have talked to you about it. You could have made it known then you were uncomfortable. By hiding it, they took away your choice.
You’re an adult and welcome to your feelings. Your father fell in love and it sucks that he hid it from you, but it’s not the end of the world. The trust may have been damaged by this secret, but it’s up to you to determine to what degree and if it’s fixable.
Me personally, I’d be angry at the blase way your former professor was acting about it. Especially the bit about how well you two interacted during class. That’s a gross overstep. He was in a place of authority in a professional setting.
Of course, you’re going to interact in a positive way. That’s not an indication of how your personal relationship will be.
Feel how you feel OP, and set healthy boundaries with your father and his partner/your former professor regarding how your new relationship dynamic will work.” Chuchi25
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I think you handled this revelation poorly. Your dad and his partner, however, also handled this entire revelation poorly and should be old enough to know better.
Your dad needs to own up to the fact that while your reaction was over the top, his decision contributed to this mess.
He could’ve introduced you earlier, and he put you in the weird position of having to reframe how you think about your former professor.
That being said, I think you should apologize to your former professor because it sounds like you took your anger out on him where your dad is more to blame.” VictorianPlatypus
What, exactly, is "unethical' about what dad and ex professor having a relationship? It has exactly nothing to do with you, besides being none of your business. You owe your dad AND his partner a huge apology. Grow up.
1. AITJ For Getting Someone Else's Cat Fixed?
”I (23F) own a lot of stray cats, in fact, I have 17 cats that I found or adopted from a sanctuary.
I’ve been living alone since I was 16 and brought my previously stray cat with me after my mom kicked me out (long story short, she picked her man over me). Since then, I’ve been adopting cat after cat and have had up to 30 cats since I was 16, where I volunteer I’m the designated adopter of cats that are close to being put down because they’re old and unwanted, or cats that have diseases and sometimes ‘untamable’ ferals.
One night, I heard loud meowing from my back door, my vent in my room leads right out into the garden. I ran downstairs and opened the door and there was a ginger Tom Cat. Instantly he was attached to me, stroking up against my leg, but he was severely injured and was limping.
I took him to the vet and it turned out he was attacked by a fox, he wouldn’t leave me the entire time at the vet and clinging to my shoulder like he was hugging me. The vets also asked about neutering, I informed them he was a stray and they were shocked at how attached he was despite being a stray.
I did ask if they could check for a microchip because he didn’t have a collar and I wanted to see if he had an owner, if not I would happily take him in. They checked, no microchip.
Once he was healed up I took him home, for the first week I had to keep him in a baby backpack strapped to my chest because he refused to leave my side.
After a week I slowly started introducing him to my other cats, they all got along amazingly. I thought now that he was completely better, I would put posters up and post them in online social media groups. I did, I also put a temporary collar on him with a number to call me if he was their cat.
After weeks of doing this, I heard nothing. I knew he would be easy for his owners to identify cause he had a unique pattern on his nose and two different colored eyes. After not hearing from anyone for a while, I neutered him because he was trying to fight my other male cats despite the fact they were neutered.
Skip 2 years and I post a video of him in a group for cats where I had a video of him trying to pull an entire chicken off the kitchen counter. This got a lot of attention, so much attention that I got a message from his original owner, she stated that was her cat and she lost him 2 years ago and demanded him back and called me a ‘catnapper.’ I asked for proof of him being her cat (pictures etc.) and she refused. She also noticed he was neutered in the video and said she would sue me for neutering her cat.
I asked my friend what to do and she told me I shouldn’t have even taken him in, in the first place. I want to keep him, and I’m willing to fight for him. So, AITJ for neutering someone else’s cat?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You did a responsible and caring thing for what you thought was a stray and vulnerable animal. And it’s not like this happened over the course of a couple of months… it was 2 years!
If I had lost a cat and happened to come across him on YouTube safe and sound and in a happy home after a long time, I would probably contact him to ask how he was and the story of how he was found just for closure.
I would also thank the person profusely for taking care of a beloved pet who I would have likely assumed was dead and say that I was happy for the cat to stay with the person as it was now settled and adjusted there.
Maybe I would ask to visit the cat if the person was happy with it, but even if they said no I wouldn’t hold it against them as it technically is now their pet.” samminockers
Another User Comments:
“From a legal and moral standpoint, you’re NTJ.
Morally, you took in the cat and took care of him when no one else would. You attempted to find the owners to no avail. From a legal standpoint, stray holds vary (here it’s 48 hours, in some places I’ve seen up to 5 days) and animals are considered property, and would follow whatever your local abandonment clause is for property (here that’s 30 days, but I’m sure varies as well based on locality).
Not only that but requiring proof of ownership is rather important in reclaiming a stray, which this person could not do. This would also very much limit any legal recourse they might have because it’s their word against all the documentation you have that you actually took care of the cat.
I really don’t know why people treat cats the way they do—they shouldn’t be running free for both their safety as well as the safety of wild animals. Ferals are one thing, since they’re not acclimated to people, but to just let your cat wander is highly irresponsible and ultimately a good way for the cat to get harmed or killed (as you obviously saw here, and were kind enough to take care of).
Keep doing what you’re doing. The world needs more people like you.” Tmoran835
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No chip or anything. I probably wouldn’t chip a cat or give him a collar myself (haven’t had one in 20 years), but if you value the fact your cat returns you should.
You searched for the owner and it sounds like you would have noticed had the owner really been searching for it.
Sounds like the cat wanted to stay, I guess he had opportunities to return to his original home had he wanted to and obviously didn’t.
So unless you locked him up to prevent him from leaving, he was happy staying.
Neutering him was obvious, otherwise, he couldn’t stay with you. So you can’t be a jerk for that part.
I do believe the person who called is the original owner, can’t believe someone would call with that fitting timeline if it wasn’t so.
Why would you not let the cat return to its owner? A cat going back to its home would be great and there still are enough cats in the sanctuary who would love a good home, right?” DRTvL
