People Agree To Disagree In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Telling My Sister She’s A Freeloader For Rejecting A Prestigious Job Offer?
“My (32m) sister (28f) just got her Master’s degree last year and received her inheritance from our father who passed away in 2017.
She’s been with her fiancé since 2012. She spent the entire inheritance within 6 months, shopping and taking trips. Now she refuses to get a job. Her fiancé makes pretty good money, but I can tell it’s hard on him to support both of them with her spending habits.
She got a job offer last week from an incredibly prestigious private school to be their child psychologist (that’s her major), but she turned it down because “she doesn’t think the school colors look good on her” and now my whole family is upset with her because she is borrowing money from us and has no intention to ever pay it back.
I called yesterday and told her she’s stupid for not taking the job, and she is a freeloader to her fiancé and our entire family. My mom thinks I shouldn’t have said anything, but I feel like she needs a kick in the butt more than ever now.
Her fiancé texted me and said she’s really upset and feels “betrayed” by me, but I only want her to succeed.”
Another User Comments:
“She won’t get a job until everyone stops giving her money. Why would she get a job when everything she needs is handed to her?
NTJ. She is a freeloader and those giving her money are enabling her.” shadow-foxe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good thing she turned down the job. Otherwise, I’d feel sorry for the kids in that school having to deal with such an immature psychologist. Sounds as if she never grew up from elementary school – turning down a good job because she wouldn’t look good in the school colors.
Oy!” drusilla14
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is very lucky though. It cost me my chance to go for a Master’s degree twice, leaving me unemployed and without a clue in the world about what to do. She has her Master’s, gets a great offer to work in a prestigious place doing a well-received job and she just gives it up?
Not to be dramatic, but I would sell my soul for that sort of offer right now. If she doesn’t want to even try, then don’t pay attention to her; let her deal with the consequences down the road. Also, stop giving her free money; in her mind, she probably thinks that she has people to back her up and thus, “doesn’t have to worry.” Take that support system away and see what she does.” Armyzenoal
21. AITJ For Jumping In To Clarify My Wife's Confusing Explanations?
“My wife doesn’t have the best social skills and when she explains things to strangers she doesn’t really make much sense.
For example, today at the BMV she was trying to explain to the worker an issue with our title. The way she was explaining it was extremely confusing and missing key details. The woman at the desk was noticeably confused and on the third attempt of trying to explain it I jumped in and explained the situation simply so she could understand.
This happens a lot in situations like this and my wife told me today that I’m a jerk for doing this and makes her look bad. I actually get what she’s saying, but at the same time, it’s hard to not say anything when I know exactly why people are confused and can explain it a lot more clearly.
AITJ for jumping it after failed attempts to help clarify the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Read the title as a husband of many years and initially thought “uh oh”… “On the third attempt of trying to explain it I jumped in and explained the situation simply so she could understand.” So, instead of butting into the conversation, have you tried gently suggesting to your wife to remember the details you think she’s missed?
Or have you asked her if she’d like you to try to explain it? Or have you commented that “honey, I think she’s missing that missed detail”? You’re treating your wife like a small toddler who is incapable of performing basic tasks. If you want her to learn how to communicate better, you have to guide her in better communication, not take over and do it for her.
Having someone take over your task and do it for you in front of you is belittling and often insulting.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“I can relate to what you’re experiencing: my mom is very much the same, and I grew up being used to this often frustrating difficulty in communication.
For example, when calling a bank to ask what hours they’re opening, she would say something like “Hi, I’d like to speak with someone who can help me at this bank branch because I have several pieces of jewelry in the trunk of my car and this jewelry which consists of several necklaces and broaches, all sterling silver, was a gift to me from my late mother who passed away in 2008 and at the time she was in a home in this location but we since sold the home in 2012…” And it could easily go on like that for several minutes without getting to the pertinent question.
So NTJ, and here’s how I got used to handling it. If your wife’s explanation starts to get confusing or off-topic, ask your wife a question or make a statement to steer the question back on track. “Oh, that’s the title you were talking about.
The one in my name, correct?” Those small guideposts can help her feel like she’s able to speak for herself while at the same time helping the person she’s communicating with her the pertinent information.” amnycya
Another User Comments:
“INFO: How exactly are you performing these “corrections”?
How soon in these interactions do you chime in? Do you discount everything your wife said and start the whole explanation over from scratch? Or do you just chime in with a detail or two like “Oh, and might also be relevant”? Since your post only has one relatively vague example, it’s really hard to tell whether or not your wife has that bad of social skills and whether or not you’re being helpful or rude.
(It’s actually kind of ironic that this post is missing key details like that!) I suggest you ask your wife what to do in a situation where you think a detail that she hasn’t given would clear up confusion. And if she wants you not to chime in, I suggest you try refraining from correcting her, especially for situations that are regarding her own business specifically.
It might turn out that she realizes that your corrections are helpful, and ask for your help. It also might turn out that she does just fine on her own with a little more time.” charonthemoon
20. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sister's Friend To Sleep In My Room?
“My older sister goes out weekly at night to go clubbing. She usually returns at around 3-4 am with her friend. Because it is so late, there’s no way for her friend to get home, so she has to stay at our place. I have no problem with that, but I do have a problem with her sleeping in our room.
Her friend sleeps on my sister’s bed, as there is no other bed available. Sometimes they can be noisy, sometimes they’re not, but her friend’s ‘presence’ just annoys me for some reason.
I have made it clear over and over again that I didn’t like it, but my sister ignores this.
It has happened several times already. I told her that it is also my room and that I should get a say in it, and that they can sleep in the living room.
This morning, I took off the covers off her bed and threw her blanket and pillow on the floor to show her how mad I was.
I told my mom about the situation, but she just said I’m overreacting and acting selfish, and that I shouldn’t have messed up her bed.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and now I think I’m overreacting and it’s not such a big deal as I made it out to be.
So, AITJ for not wanting my sister’s friend to sleep in our shared room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While overreacting is a bit silly, you are right in the sense it is your bedroom. Respect works both ways and I’m sure you don’t have a friend staying with you arriving in at 3 am.
Call a family meeting and make some suggestions such as the friend sleeps on the couch or a max time they can arrive so they aren’t disrupting you in the middle of the night.” Alone-Day1429
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, you shouldn’t have thrown her bedsheets, but it is clear you are being ignored, so I actually understand why you acted out.
If the friend was staying on your parents’ couch, then it’s their choice, but IMO you should get a say over who spends the night in your room, even if it is shared.” Small-far-wise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As for throwing your sister’s sheets, it may have been a bit childish, but sometimes that’s the only way to be heard.
Honestly, I think you should return the same treatment you’ve been given. Pick a night when your sister is staying at home and go out with a few friends, have a great time, and come back home with a friend and see how she likes it.
If this isn’t an option, go to bed early if you know she’s going out, put in some earbuds, and set as many alarms as you want (not too loud as to wake everyone in the house, but loud enough for your sister and her friend to hear it EVERY TIME).
If you can get away with it, do it every time she goes out until she gets the message. Hope it gets better for you.” Which_Balance399
19. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Dad's Emotional Support When He Needed Me Most?
“My (26F) parents divorced 14 years ago when I was 12. My dad had been the one to bail, and he also was unfaithful, so he got me for about 6-8 weeks a year, and my mom had me the rest of the time, though they were always pretty flexible and let me choose somewhat.
Both of them also quickly remarried.
My mom remarried my stepdad, who had 3 other bio kids, and then had 3 more kids with him from when I was 14, 16, and 17. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but by the time I was 16ish, things had settled down a lot, and I very much thought of all of them as my siblings even if we didn’t get along all the time.
Meanwhile, my dad jumped between partners A LOT, but eventually got with his now-wife when I was 14. They also intended to start a family but struggled a lot with infertility, and I actually had a stillborn half-sister born when I was 16. It was horrifically unfair.
Even as a teenager, I was aware of how hard it must have been to watch my mom/stepdad grow their family so easily. I had empathy for them and grieved my half-brother, but at the same time, teenage me instinctively pulled away because parental grief and the feelings that come with infertility aren’t fun emotions for a teenager to be around, and I had become very settled with my mom/stepdad.
Since my mom had primary custody, our relationship was always going to be more distant. His wife was always nice to me, but from teenage me’s POV, she was too clingy and pushy for someone who didn’t actually know me and wasn’t my mom. There was also some residual resentment toward my dad regarding his behavior toward my mom, mixed in too.
At the same time I was pulling away, my dad pushed for more visits. My mom was open to it, but I said no and actually cut back on visits. In hindsight, I’m sure it crushed my dad.
When I was 19 and again at 22, they became the parents of two healthy baby boys.
I was talking to my dad, and he caught me off guard and (paraphrasing) said that he had really needed me during that time and was disappointed I hadn’t been willing to spend more time at their house during breaks and such. I bristled and said that I wasn’t an emotional support pet, which was rude.
He said sarcastically that he was sorry that his life from when I was 14 to 18 was not more fun for me. I said he was being extremely unfair and he had no right to “need me” like that, and left. But the more I think about it, the more I think he might be right.
It seems pretty obvious that he did “need” me more than my mom did at the time, and maybe I should have spent more summers/breaks with him instead of blowing him off in favor of a happy blended family. They were always sooo happy when I did visit, to the point of spoiling me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You sound like a kid with a good head on his shoulders. Teenage years are hard enough without family drama and change, and that’s all normal. To answer your question, yes, people need emotional support and love. People need people.
It can be the most wonderful thing in the world, ideally, but it can also be confining or crushing depending on circumstance. That your father feels close enough to share his feelings with you without judgment and tell you how he feels is huge. No, I vote no jerks.
I hope you can get past your hurt and build a new relationship as an adult with your dad and his wife. It sounds like you’ve all been through a lot and could use each other’s support.” misslo718
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You were a teenager, and I agree you should not have been expected to fulfill his needs when you really were not mentally or emotionally mature enough to do so.
Him using you to fill a void in his life is unacceptable. Now, if he just missed YOU and wished you were around more because he loves and missed you, then I’d understand and say that you may be somewhat of a jerk. However, it seems like he pushed harder for you to be around more after they realized they were unable to have kids.
That’s unfair and honestly quite horrible. It’s time for him to move on and just come to peace with the past and try to make for a happier future with you!” bwebster87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father was, and still is, the jerk. Yes, he was grieving.
But you were a kid. He was the adult. If he wanted a father-daughter relationship, he needed to act like a good parent. He needed to acknowledge the harm he did to your relationship with how he treated your mother and your family unit. He needed to work on fixing that, make amends.
He needed to support you in what you wanted and didn’t want from a stepmother. Clinging to you was an attempt to make you be his emotional support; your complaint is right on the money. You were sand, and they were the clenched hands attempting (and failing) to hold it.
Absolutely positively, he is the jerk for all that. Yes, parents can certainly take comfort in their kids, with their kids’ love. But, that love has to be earned and given freely, not demanded. Doesn’t sound like your father did the work, first, to get it.” Neenknits
18. AITJ For Refusing Spinal Surgery Despite My Mum's Outburst?
“When I was 11 I was diagnosed with scoliosis and have x-rays every 6 months. The degree is around 40, so I tried a brace at 11, but I couldn’t breathe in it, so I didn’t wear it until my last checkup at 13.
The doctor said, “Would you like surgery or to try a brace again, as you’ve grown so it might fit better this time?” I said I’d rather try a brace again than be operated on, and since my spine is a double curve I will have a lot of screws in my spine, and it’s one of the most painful surgeries in the world, so I would rather not have it at 13 and in a few years when my spine is fully grown because the surgeries stop the spine from growing any further (I’m really short because of the double curve, 4’8”).
After I said I would try a brace again instead of surgery, my mum went ballistic, screaming at me after the doctor left, saying I should’ve had it now so it wouldn’t get any worse and that I’m going to have to have surgery anyway; might as well have it now.
My problem with that is when I’m like 18 I’ll be about 5’1 because my spine would stop growing, so I’d rather have it at 16ish, and plus I don’t wanna have to learn to walk again. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have double-curve degenerative scoliosis at about 35 degrees, so I understand what you are going through. I have never worn a brace and never had surgery and I am 46. I can also tell you that I have led a very active life, including being both a professional dancer and a ski patroller.
You can find ways to live pain-free, but you do have to work for them. It also took me a while to accept that my spine was never going to allow me to stand super straight or anything. I have found that pilates, regular massage, and acupuncture keep my spine from hurting.
Point is: you can lead a pretty normal life with severe scoliosis and no surgery. Don’t do the surgery unless you really want to.” WineOrDeath
Another User Comments:
“Hey OP, fellow scoliosis sufferer here. My diagnosis was completely ignored by my mother when I was a teenager and throughout the years of it being untreated, I ended up with a thoracic curvature of 50 degrees and a lumbar curvature of 60 degrees.
So it’s pretty bad. At this point in my life, if I wanted it fixed, I’d have to get a surgery where they’d fuse my spinal cord. I would lose almost all upper body mobility. To top that off, in the near future they would fuse the vertebrae in my pelvis and neck.
There is a lot of pain and discomfort in my life. I’ll be honest, some days are harder than others. Physical therapy has helped me in the past. The only reason, and this was told by the surgeon I was seeing, for getting that surgery is if the curves were progressing.
With the high degree they are, there is a risk of further progression in adulthood. My spine isn’t progressing, but I do go in for X-rays once a year to make sure it hasn’t. It is a major surgery to consider, and if you aren’t comfortable with it, only use it as a very, very last resort.
Continue speaking with doctors, get second opinions, and find a treatment method that’s comfortable with you. NTJ.” StreetLight4353
Another User Comments:
“As someone who had spinal fusion surgery a little over three months prior to my 13th birthday, I’m going to say there are no jerks here.
The surgery is not something I would ever want to experience again, but it was worth it. I just wish I knew more of what to expect during the recovery period. However, I didn’t have to learn how to walk again – I was just told to avoid stairs for a bit and needed help getting in and out of bed to avoid a screw or rod popping out of place.
My parents would be at opposite ends of me to move my upper and lower body at the same time to achieve that. It lasted for about two months, and the muscle spasms gradually went away. Your mom has valid concerns about the curve worsening.
Your degree is considered moderate, and there is a pretty high chance of it increasing which can cause issues in the future in regard to your health. (If I hadn’t had my surgery, the surgeon said I could easily die in early adulthood from the pressure on my organs and/or muscles, for example, by bending over to tie my shoe.) With that being said, it is your choice.
I recommend doing your research and asking your doctor questions regarding what you found, or getting a second opinion if that’ll make you feel comfortable.” iwasmillie
17. AITJ For Choosing A Wedding Dress Over A Tux And Defying Tradition?
“I (23m) recently got engaged to my fiancé (25m). Just TODAY I had some drama that I’ve already sorted out.
I came to my parents’ house to talk to my brother and get it all cleared up. While there, I decided to stay a bit longer and talk about wedding planning with my sister (who’s my best woman/person). The topic of tuxes and dress theme came up.
My sister asked what kind of tux I would want to go with for myself, and I told her I actually want to wear a dress. I’ve always been a feminine guy—even when I was younger, I preferred dresses and loved letting my sister and female cousins dress me up, do my makeup, and do my hair.
I just feel more comfortable in a dress than a tux.
When my mother heard this, she flipped (more drama from her). Ironically, she’s the one who used to dress me up and paint my nails when I was really young. She was yelling that I’m just doing everything nontraditional just to spite her, and a whole slew of other vile crap.
I just left to go home while she was mid-rambling.
AITJ? I really want my wedding to be the way I want, but I feel like I’m going crazy, and maybe I’m just causing more drama and bullcrap by being this nontraditional. My mother always supported me in everything, so I don’t know why she’s going off the rails now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unconventional? Maybe. Your decision? Absolutely. I’ve seen men rocking skirts in the open. I’ve seen a guitar player rock out in a skirt in front of hundreds of people. I’ve seen male crossplayers absolutely slay female characters in dresses. If that is your wish, wear that dress!
(But have a backup option to change into if needed – some, not all, but some can be a bit uncomfy after wearing it for a while.) Women have been wearing pants for a couple of decades now – I do not see why men should be forbidden from anything that does not have an inseam.
(Especially since I heard more men complain about the heat, and dresses do have better air circulation.)” MeiSuesse
Another User Comments:
“I’m assuming your fiance is completely fine with this choice (not that they get to dictate what you wear, but if you’re going to make an unconventional choice it’s good to have their support and know they’re fine with it since it’s their day too), so this is an easy NTJ.
It’s your day, your wedding, your body. Let your family know that if they want input on wedding attire, they can plan their own wedding.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“I know what you want, and you really should have it. But if Mom becomes untenable and you don’t want to cause a family breach… Can you rock a kilt?
Do that kilt however you like, and have it in white, but it’s a compromise that lets your mother say ‘My son wore a kilt’ instead of ‘My son wore a dress.’ But that’s only okay if you’re okay with it. It’s just something I’m throwing out there to help.
It might not be your choice.” RunSmooth4982
16. AITJ For Releasing A Song About My Toxic Mother?
“I wrote and released a song that talks about how my mother makes me feel and basically says that even though we’re related, that doesn’t make her family. It really helped my mental health to get it out and has started me on the road to possibly eventually forgiving her.
Naturally, because I want it to do well, I’ve posted it on social media and asked people to listen to it. Anyone who knows me will know it’s about her but it doesn’t specifically say that it’s about her. Some extended family members have contacted me and told me that I’m way out of line and I shouldn’t be talking about it because it’s nobody else’s business.
I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but now I’m feeling like maybe I should have warned them first. AITJ or are they overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“Imo, neither is the jerk. Music is an artful expression, and you are fully within your rights to express yourself… That being said, not every song needs to be made public, and if your relationship with your mother is one you care about and want to improve, it might be more productive to keep this one private.
It is possible that this song could make her embarrassed, which often makes people resentful and defensive, which can become counterproductive to any healing. Because music is an expression, obviously people can have different feelings about a song. Nobody’s a jerk for feeling. I hope this opens up a dialogue between you and your mother for healing.
Only you can determine if this song is more helpful or less for your relationship in the long run.” Bblibrarian1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand that attitude of ‘it’s no one’s business.’ Nonsense. It’s YOUR business because it’s your lived experience, and you are the only person who gets to choose how and when to share your business, and with whom.
Why in the world do they think they get to tell you you can’t talk about your own life just because it makes them uncomfortable? They aren’t part of the equation; they just want to ‘save face’ and ‘not make waves’—two additional phrases I think need to die out lol.” murphyslawsuit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Once in high school, we had an English project that was to write a Mother’s Day poem. Pretty open-ended. I ended up writing all about what a mother SHOULD be and how I knew that because it would be the opposite of everything my mother did.
My teacher really loved it for some reason and ended up reading it to the class, and several people ended up saying that they had a very hard time with the assignment because they thought it would need to be positive about mothers, and that’s not how they felt.
You literally can choose what kind of mother you’ll be. It’s a choice. If you don’t want the truth to hurt, live a better truth.” KhajiitNeedSkooma
15. AITJ For Not Driving My Sister To Her 6am Shift?
“My (25F) sister (27F) has an early shift. Usually, she brings a car that she borrows from our parents, but this time she can’t bring the car since my dad will use it. She asked me to drive her at 6 am to a place where the company offers a free ride to their building, but it’s about 20 minutes away from our house, so I’ll spend 40 mins back and forth just driving.
I would usually do her this favor, but I don’t really feel like doing it now since I value my rest (I have trouble sleeping, so I like to get all the rest I can) and I’m feeling petty since I cannot rely on the rest of my family for favors like this, too.
They’d just ask me to commute. Anyway, I told her 6 am is too early for me, and then she got mad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is old enough to figure out and manage her own transportation. Would it be kind of you to drive her?
Yes. But not doing so doesn’t make you a jerk.” lihzee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they won’t do it for you, why do it for them? I have a sleeping issue too, so I fully understand and they should too. If they can’t understand that, it’s their issue to get over.” Broad_Being_2439
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: If this is just a one-off, then yeah, you’re kinda being overly dramatic about the “I value my rest” crap. And that sounds like such a crap excuse. Just be straightforward and tell her you don’t feel like it and you don’t care about her or her problems.” Kilkegard
14. AITJ For Not Letting A Friend Use My Art Without Credit?
“Pencil sketching is my hobby. I (23F) sketch mostly my favorite cartoons and movie characters in my free time.
It’s just my hobby, so I never did or do sketches for anyone, and whenever people ask me to sketch something for them (mostly for free), I just turn them down.
A friend of mine, who’s still in college, called me one day and asked me if I could send her any sketch that I made.
She said, “I need to submit something for a college magazine. The deadline is in about an hour. Could you please send something?” I asked her how she could send something that was made by me. She said, “I’m gonna send it in as I drew that with my name under it.” So not only did she want a free sketch, she also wanted to put it in a magazine under her name.
I obviously said no at first.
She then literally begged me to send her something, so I gave in and told her I could probably send one small sketch of a dog or cat that I made about two or three years ago. She said, “noooo, I don’t want dogs or cats I want one of the sketches of movie stars that you made.” Those sketches took me about a day or two to finish.
I told her exactly that and said I’m not giving it to her for free and I’m definitely not giving it to her so that she can put it in a magazine under her name. She was like, “it’s just a small magazine and no one outside her college will ever see it and blah blah blah.” I told her I’m not sending her a dog or cat either, and if she wanted to send something to a magazine so bad, then she should’ve done it herself.
She called me a jerk because no one’s gonna read that magazine and I’m not willing to help out a friend in an emergency.
After a few minutes, a mutual friend of ours called to convince me to give a sketch to her because it’s not like I’m gonna make anything public, so what’s the point even if she puts it with her name?
I told her “Yes, I’m not gonna post it anywhere but I sketched it for two days, so I don’t want to give it to her.” She said I’m making a huge fuss over a “stupid pencil sketch hobby.” Am I being unreasonable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if this magazine thing was meaningless or unimportant to them, they wouldn’t be harassing you about it. What IS meaningless and unimportant to them is you and your effort. They seem to be just fine taking advantage of you and taking credit for your work.
If they wanted to show off your work in a magazine, they could send it in with YOUR name credited as the author, but let’s be real, they like your work and want people to think they did it – such users! Again, NTJ. Also OP, since this appears to be a college setting, them using your pics as theirs would 100% fall under the university’s anti-plagiarism policies.
Totally not worth it to get involved in.” VxGB111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I am sure both of them are not your friends. Hobby or not it is your work and your skill. If the magazine is so unimportant why does it need to be something huge (like a more recent work most likely of higher quality)?
Even if you never put anything out in public of your work that doesn’t give anyone the right to claim your art as their own (that they even wanted to do it and think it is nothing huge just shows what kind of people they are).
Does she need to submit something because of some college courses or is it only for her own benefit (like showing everyone how good “she” is at drawing)? If this is not connected to some kind of examen or so why does she need to submit your work at all?
(She could just skip it this time.)” Mischungu
Another User Comments:
“You are most definitely NTJ. Friend is throwing a tantrum and trying to guilt trip you into doing her work for her. Even if you consented to your art being used, without proper crediting on her part that’s considered plagiarism.
If you also go to this school, you can get in trouble for plagiarism as well. It’s the logic of “if a student copies your work, you both get in trouble because letting it happen is plagiarism too”. Not worth the risk. This is 100% her problem, don’t feel a drop of guilt about this at all (that’s just her manipulation working if you do feel any guilt.)” Duckington_Wentworth
13. AITJ For Not Cosigning On His Student Loan?
“My (30F) husband (36M) wants me to cosign on a student loan for him. I’m against it and am refusing to do it. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and he has started and stopped school for the entirety of our relationship, with finally getting his associate’s 4 years ago.
This will be his second associate’s if he completes it. Also, when we first started seeing each other he had already defaulted on student loans which his mom had cosigned. Our marriage is on the rocks at best and he threatens to leave daily, which I’m ok with.
(Long story.) Also, I have always been the breadwinner while he has worked part-time jobs or no jobs at all. I am currently not working due to some health issues, but still have money coming in from the VA as I am a disabled veteran.
AITJ for not cosigning on a student loan because in the event of a divorce, I don’t want to be stuck with more of his debt and because he has defaulted on loans in the past? Also, for suggesting he sells some of his firearms to pay for school?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do NOT do this. Many years ago, I worked at a student loan consolidation company. I can’t tell you how many awful stories I heard from borrowers calling in for help. They don’t go away unless you become totally and permanently disabled (to the point that your condition will deteriorate to your death) or unless you die.
Late payments also hit your credit score much higher (it seemed then, anyway) than other delinquencies. Student loans are of the devil. Avoid at all costs.” sixtyincheshigh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Under no circumstances should you sign anything, especially a student loan. If this is in the US and the loan is federally backed, it cannot be discharged in bankruptcy.
You could be trapped with serious loans with no possible recourse if you sign that. Other problems; 1) Why pay for a man who is divorcing you? 2) Getting ANY associate’s makes a huge difference in job options, but after that, there is no real difference from getting a second one unless it is mandatory for a specific career path he wants to switch to.
This is a massive amount of money being thrown at little to no value. 3) Even if you were still in love and fully on board with this marriage, it wouldn’t be your responsibility and frankly, given his poor credit history, is a great way to ruin your credit in addition to his.
I don’t really see what the firearms have to do with anything; they won’t be enough to cover an entire associate’s degree and frankly the real reasons not to sign have nothing to do with him having stuff he can pawn. I would not bring that up further/at all.
He can decide how he wants to prioritize his personal belongings vs his education plans, let him figure out if he really cares about the associate’s degree, and don’t get sucked in by making helpful “suggestions” that can only further erode your relationship. NTJ.” horrifyingthought
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your thinking is sound, it’s based on previous trends, slightly emotional behaviors, and the wafting smell of the dying carcass that is your marriage. Potential compromise; IF he gets a full-time job (he won’t) and keeps it for more than a year (he won’t) and gets his 2nd Associate’s (why not a Bachelor’s?) in under 18 months on his own (he won’t); then and only then would I consider cosigning for his Bachelor’s.
It gives him a chance to demonstrate that he’s got his ish together and would further demonstrate that he’s willing to work on himself for the betterment of the marriage. It’s a stretch but maybe he’ll pleasantly surprise you. If all of that sounds exhausting to you, you may have already (subconsciously) decided to end it.
If that’s the case, talk to a lawyer, with no fanfare or proclamations. Just get your research/due diligence completed and live your best list with your little ones. Good luck.” ROZDOG69
12. AITJ For Buying A Nintendo Switch For My Nephews Despite My Brother's Request To Get Tablets?
“I bought my 2 nephews, ages 4 & 6, a Nintendo Switch on December 23rd, 2 days before Christmas (last minute, I know) as they love playing Mario games. I wanted to double-check with my brother that no one else is planning on getting them the Switch and told him I would most likely get it for them.
He gave me the approval as long as it’s not “too expensive.” Then, my brother messaged me 5 hours later asking me to hold off on getting the Switch due to them being too young right now. He did keep saying how it is a very thoughtful gift and amazing gift but doesn’t think they are ready for it yet and will destroy it.
Then he proceeded to say that they (the parents) would prefer I get them tablets and asked me to return the Switch. It isn’t about screen time as they are playing video games and using an iPad.
I might be the jerk for choosing to give my nephews (4 & 6) a Nintendo Switch against their parents’ request to exchange it for tablets instead.
While my intentions are good, disregarding the parent’s decision about what’s appropriate for their children could be seen as overstepping boundaries and undermining their parental authority.
AITJ for not returning the gift and giving my brother’s kids the Nintendo Switch even after their request?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I really don’t think it’s a huge deal. However, you asked, “Hey bro do you mind if I buy them Switches.” He responded with “Nah, I’d rather not, please get them something else, here is a suggestion.” You then ignored what he said and went with your gut anyway.
Ultimately, you do, but think of it this way: If you were Christmas shopping with your partner and said “Hey babe, what do you think of this sweater.” then she said “That one is ugly, I would never wear it. I do like this one here.” Then you bought her the ugly sweater anyway….
What happens next? Edit: NTJ, you left out the most important detail. Your brother said yes before he checked with his wife.” Massive-Concept-8742
Another User Comments:
“No gifts should be requests or guarantees, but I’m kinda lost here and need some info: If you’re going to ignore his response, why ask him in the first place?
I’m not sure if I am misunderstanding, but it sounds like you waited until 2 days before Christmas to buy their presents, which I get – no judgment there, I do it too – but you likely know that last-minute purchases can cause issues… You text your brother to ask him if it was okay while you were at the store, and now you’re annoyed it took him 5 hours to respond since you already made the purchase and he didn’t give the response you wanted, so you will either be a jerk for going against what he said or you will be inconvenienced by having to do returns on Christmas Eve?
So, you were just hoping he said yes and now because his answer is inconvenient to you, you are planning on ignoring him after you specifically asked him? I just don’t understand why you would ask if you’re dead set on ignoring his response. While they should not be making demands, this whole thing seems like an issue caused by you.
I don’t quite understand why he feels like tablets are better for them than a Nintendo Switch; tablets seem easier to break and that might be a little greedy on his part, but I don’t know the prices of these things and, more importantly, seriously, don’t ask if you don’t want them to respond honestly and are just going to ignore what they say.
Bottom line: If you want to stick to your guns, go for it, but I wouldn’t just give it to them without talking to him first. Explain to him that you asked too late and that you’re not able to return them. Tell him you now understand they’re too young, but you didn’t know before asking, and if they break it, that’s okay – the Switch cost was on you and they’ll hopefully learn a valuable lesson to be more careful in the future.
Lastly, if you don’t want to ask him about the gifts first, that’s valid – simply don’t ask next time. If you do want to check with him first next time, then when you apologize to him for this year, also let him know that you will check with him BEFORE purchasing next time.
Again, my issue here is you asking him and choosing to ignore his response. That feels pretty douchy and selfish because it’s too inconvenient for you because of how busy today is, but you put yourself in this situation, so I don’t have too much sympathy.
I guess I’m going to go with YTJ. Next time, ask and listen, or don’t ask at all.” Public-Vegetable-671
Another User Comments:
“I believe that you can’t control the gifts one gives. However, in this case, I think YTJ. The reason is that you are disregarding valid concerns that have been raised. You’re not the one who will have to supervise the kids on it.
You’re not the one who will have to referee if they want to play different games or one wants to watch TV and the other play a game. You’re not the one who is going to have to say, ‘No, you can’t play as I want to watch something else on the TV.’ You’re not the one who will have to deal with anything that gets broken, etc. Tip: Kids don’t tend to like shared presents, especially as they get older.” dragonetta123
11. AITJ For Selling My House Out From Under My Son And Cutting Him Off?
“I (60F) have rented my second home to my son “Joe” (34M) for the last 7 years. Initially, he shared the home with friends at a below-market rent.
Leases included agreements for periodic, reasonable increases. Most of my retirement nest egg was in that home and I was clear that if there was ever any risk to the investment, I would have to sell immediately.
Once I lost the homeowners insurance as they were not properly maintaining the house.
We made corrections and got it reinstated. Twice I lost my job and struggled to pay the mortgage on that house and my primary residence, but was able to quickly find another job and cover expenses. Each of these instances prompted a conversation that they should prepare for the house to be sold if I could not resolve the problem.
I planted the seed with my son that he should be saving money in case he wanted to buy the house someday, and this is where I might be the jerk. He initially said he was not interested, but 2 years ago his partner (32F) moved in and he showed more interest. I was very happy for them, and I thought we had a good relationship.
They told their housemates they wanted to live together as a couple and asked them to move out. She coordinated an effort to clean up the house and maintain it better, which made me very happy.
Then our neighborhood started changing. Investors were buying up properties at hugely inflated prices and mostly renting them out.
Some homes are vacant for a long time before being rented. There was a shooting a block away. It was time to get out of that neighborhood and take advantage of the higher market prices.
I spoke to Joe and his partner in the fall of 2023 and explained why they should start making plans to be out by the fall of 2024.
We briefly discussed their financial situation. They were not able to buy the house, and possibly never could at the going rate. The value of homes had more than doubled in a year and that market was not going to sustain itself much longer.
Everything instantly changed. She was openly rude to my face and via text.
When they moved out, “they” left some petty, vindictive “messages” around the house. They refused to give anyone in the family their new address. In 2017 I had promised Joe a portion of the profit when I sold. The day after I wrote him the check, he changed his phone number.
He has gone no contact and broken my heart.
His father (71M), my ex, told me that Joe eventually called him, but still won’t give his address. He told my ex that if I ever got his number, then he would just change it again and never trust him.
He said they are cutting me out of their life because I “sold the house out from under them.”
They were mostly responsible tenants. They paid a fair price, always on time. A bit neglectful but not destructive. The insurance co were jerks. Not his fault, but my retirement fund was at risk.
He is not spoiled at all. But we’ve always had a rocky relationship. I love him dearly and some of the comments are not totally fair to him.
He could have lived with either parent for low-no cost. His siblings did this until they were on their feet.
Joe chose to rent from me. The mortgage needed to be paid.
I sold both houses (not just the rental) and paid off the mortgages, so not a pure profit here. I owed money. We both had to move and I’m downsizing to prepare for retirement.
Cheaper house in a cheaper area.
Joe and his partner are not in a position to buy the house even at a lower price. But if they were, why wouldn’t they just turn around and sell for the extra cash?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You gave your son notice all along that this was not a long-term solution. You talked with Son and his partner, and they could not afford to buy the house. You kept your word all throughout this. Including writing that check to him. Which my petty behind would have not done.
OP, I am sorry you are hurting over the loss of your son and how he has and is treating you. Sadly, your son was looking for you to continue how things went, even when it got so hard for you. Son forgets that you could have sold the house when you lost your job earlier.
What would he have done then? Probably treated you the same way. It sadly sounds like you will always be in your son & his partner, the villain, in their story. I am so sorry you are going through this.” BitofDark
Another User Comments:
“INFO.
You said that if there was ever a risk or you were not able to resolve a problem, you’d sell. Did that occur? It sounds like it didn’t. It sounds like the neighborhood was being bought up at hugely inflated prices so you decided to sell for profit (not due to problems).
When you offered your son the ability to purchase before you sold, did you expect him to buy at that hugely inflated price? Home purchases are down right now due to high prices and high interest rates. Housing is a challenge for people and you took a stable situation away because you wanted to maximize profit.
Yeah, I’d be upset too. You had the right to do it but that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed strong feelings about it. Giving a portion of the profit was kind but it’s going to be spent on inflated rent prices and they’ll likely rent for life.
You weren’t facing hardship and you had previously said you’d sell if there were problems. The partner was maintaining the house. It sounds like you saw $$$ and sold. That feels scummy. I won’t say you’re the jerk because you had the right but I also understand the hurt and upset feelings in response.” horsenamedmayo
Another User Comments:
“Ehhh, I’m torn here, Op, because we did something similar. Ours was a rent-to-own verbal agreement a decade ago. About 6 months ago, there was a discussion about needing to formally purchase the house due to a pending retirement. We will only owe 1/4 of the property’s resale value because they are honoring the agreed price years ago and subtracting the payments for the last 10 years.
It’s such a good deal that I almost feel like the jerk because they could ask us to pay the difference in appraisal value, but they didn’t. I realize y’all didn’t have a rent-to-own agreement, and you aren’t obligated to help adult children, but that’s your child.
The choice is already made, but I promise he is viewing this as you value money over him.” WeddingFickle6513
10. AITJ For Getting Mad When My Husband Presses Play Before I’m Ready?
“Multiple times now my (34 f) husband (42 m) has done this thing where I will still be getting ready to settle for the night—i.e., changing, fixing food, what have you—and he will turn whatever show we are watching on and just start it before I’m ready so I miss like 10–15 minutes of an episode sometimes.
It is very annoying, and I told him multiple times now that I find it extremely inconsiderate and I never do that to him.
The last time it happened, it kinda made a big stink, and he did that thing (it seemed to me) of being mad that I was mad at him because I “should know he would never intend to hurt my feelings.”
So related, yesterday his dad had surgery. They were having trouble stabilizing his BP, and I asked my husband if we should go see him. He gave a very nonchalant answer and said he didn’t think it was that serious. Then later that night, he did the TV thing again.
I wasn’t changed out of my work clothes, my food was barely in the microwave, and I hadn’t made a drink or anything. I got mad and just stopped what I was doing and stared at him until he felt me staring. I said, “Are you really doing this again?” He tried to stop it and said “Sorry,” but I just went to the bedroom and stayed there to cool down.
Later that night, he comes in. He does not say sorry; he just starts in about how it was his busiest day of work since starting this job and how every time his mom called, he got scared she was gonna tell him his dad was dead.
I did feel bad about that, of course. But I still didn’t respond at all because, to me, 1. that doesn’t excuse you being inconsiderate of something we have talked about multiple times, and 2. don’t act dramatic now when you were the one who said it wasn’t a big deal.
He got mad that I didn’t respond and started to huff and puff and storm out of the room. I called after him, “All of that should have started with an apology instead of trying to guilt me into forgetting it.” He got mad that I insinuated he was being manipulative and hasn’t spoken to me since.
It’s been over 24 hours.
So I know he probably was stressed about his dad and had a bad work day, but this has been an ongoing issue and none of that seemed relevant until I was upset. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“Look, I don’t know how you guys watch TV together.
In my household, we sit in chairs in front of the TV. We do this thing where we wait until everyone who’s watching is seated before we press play. If, for instance, my wife is still preparing her dinner, but is ok with us starting without her, she’ll call out “it’s ok, you can play” and we will.
Now, maybe it’s different for you. Maybe you regularly watch TV, standing in the kitchen next to the running microwave, and he’s confused by the difference between “standing in the kitchen waiting for the microwave to finish before watching the show” and “standing in the kitchen waiting for the microwave to finish while watching the show.” Or, and I find this much more likely, he knows darned well that you’re not with him ready to start watching the show, and just starts it anyway, for reasons that really only he knows, and he also knows you have a problem with him doing so, but he does it anyway.
NTJ. The fact that this day was a bad day does not excuse him, nor does it explain every single other time he’s done it.” shontsu
Another User Comments:
“He’s just trying to get you to a permanent level of tolerable unhappiness. That is to say, he’ll be as crappy as he can be while you ‘work on the marriage.’ The ‘good times’ will be when you don’t ‘rock the boat.’ Explaining your feelings won’t work, because he doesn’t care.
Why would he pause a show for an appliance? Sigh, NTJ, but I am exhausted by the normalization of dehumanizing women. To the point where they accept it and even blame themselves.” Imaginary_Poetry_233
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is repeatedly telling you he does not care about what you want.
He is unwilling to endure mild inconvenience or temporarily delay his own pleasure so you can participate and have your own joy. If you dare to speak up against his selfish behavior, he doubles down by punishing you with further defensiveness and sulking. Let’s be real. This isn’t the only place in your relationship he does this selfish behavior and defensive posturing, is it?
Where else, in more important situations, are your wants and needs shown to never be a consideration for him? Good luck.” thoracicbunk
9. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Both Christmas And New Year's With My In-Laws?
“My in-laws want me and my fiancé to come over on Christmas, which makes sense and isn’t a problem. However, they’ve decided they want to do the gift-giving on NYE, which is just too much for me.
I don’t come from a family where we do gifts anyway, so for me, it’s not even necessary, but they’ve already bought mine, so now I feel obliged to get them their gifts as well. For me, that takes away the entire idea of gift-giving.
I feel like it has to be organic and spontaneous.
I don’t mind spending time with them at all. But we’ve also already gone on a 4-day holiday with them last week, so spending all my free time hanging out with them is just a bit too much for me, especially since I work irregular hours and don’t have a lot of free time anyway.
I would like to spend one Christmas Day and NYE in my own home, which I don’t think is a big ask anyway.
They did help us out a lot this year, though, so I feel like a jerk for thinking this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a discussion to have with your partner, not in this forum. You and he should come up with something that allows you free time to recharge and be away from family obligations while, at the same time, not impose on the people around you.
This would not be the first time that one member of a couple has stayed at home while the other visits the parents, only to be joined later during the visit. The idea should be to be flexible while considerate of one another’s preferences.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I think. I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to spend NYE with your in-laws. To me, that’s a romantic and friends’ holiday, on which to dress provocatively and get intoxicated lol. Not to mind my p’s and q’s with my in-laws.
But they don’t actually want you to go there on Christmas at all, from the sound of it, so there’s no need to feel put-upon about going there on Christmas. Just don’t. See them another time. And it’s IMO not reasonable to expect that gift-giving will be perfectly ‘spontaneous’ when it comes to your in-laws or other immediate family.
Like… you know what in-laws you have and that it’s their tradition to exchange gifts, and Christmas comes at the same time every year. I had started to type ESH, but I don’t actually see anything done wrong by your in-laws here. They’re just different from your family.
Stay home on Christmas, maybe go on New Year’s for the gift exchange, and then go home in the evening and spend the midnight hour with your fiancé.” OkSecretary1231
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My question is: what does your spouse say about this? Many times, people just fall into their familiar patterns without overly thinking about how it affects others; they just do it by rote, if you will.
I would have a conversation with them and explain what you mentioned here. Now that you are married, it is time to make your own plans and memories for the two of you (and your potential future family). Wanting to be home to rest and recharge is not a bad ask.
Who knows, you may help provide them an out for something they didn’t want to keep doing for years also. Have that conversation first and let your spouse convey your plans to your in-laws and stick with it. If you don’t start laying boundaries now, the expectation will be that you all will come to whatever they say for the holidays, your own plans be darned. Train them early and be consistent!” VicLap45
8. AITJ For Asking My Neighbors To Move Their Cars From My Driveway?
“I live in a triplex. There are three driveways to this complex. One for the first unit, one for the second unit, and two for my unit (the biggest unit). All driveways have been spray painted to label which driveways belong to which unit.
Recently, my neighbor has been having people stay over at their place for weeks at a time. I really do not care if they have people over, it’s not my business and not my issue. But recently, they started to tell their friends/family to park behind my fiancé’s work van—which is on our side of the driveway.
They did not ask if it was okay, and it was not just for one day. A day came when we had to ask them to move so that my fiancé could open the back doors to his van (they parked close enough to where he couldn’t open them); they moved their car, and then when we went back inside they moved right back.
Mind you, their side of the driveway has space for another car, but they chose to park behind ours. I imagine they tell their friend/family to park behind our van because they move their car during the day and don’t want to have to rearrange cars when they have to leave (they’d have to park one in front of the other).
I tried to knock on their door to tell them they needed to move their car so my fiancé could move/operate his van for work, even just to get tools out of the back, but they would not answer the door. They have been extremely rude to me in the past for no reason, and they are very new to the complex.
I decided to write a short note and put it on the windshield of their car. The note says: “Please do not park behind this van without asking. I need to be able to get tools out and get out of this spot because of work.
Thank you.”
For some reason, I just feel guilty and like they will get upset and go to my landlord making it an issue. Am I a jerk for making them move? Or am I overthinking things?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They have no right to park in front of anyone else’s driveway, as that blocks vehicles from leaving and entering.
You did the right thing by leaving them a note. You’ve been polite and have not started any battles with them. If they have guests, they can have them find street parking or park behind their cars in the driveway. They aren’t allowed to block any other driveway.
If they go to the landlord, that will be fine, because they will be told they can’t park in front of your driveway!! You’ve done nothing wrong. If they do continue to ignore your requests, the next step would be to contact your landlord or management company and let them handle it.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Normally, I would say you should not get the landlord/towing/cops (non-emergency line) and work it out with your neighbors… but it’s time you do. If I’m understanding correctly, the 2 parking spots for your unit… are, well, for you… meaning others shouldn’t be parking there.
It’s one thing if they answer and move it when you ask… even though you shouldn’t have to… but they clearly seem to not care enough to answer you. Alternatively, if the 2 parking spots are back to back and they are only for your unit… why not just park your car in the back unit?
So that no one could park behind your car.” ostrichfood
Another User Comments:
“Your mistake was to allow them to park in either of your two driveways to begin with. You do not need to justify why you don’t want them to park there; your reason is that they are your driveways.
You and your partner need to go together to have a little talk with the neighbor who’s parking in your driveway. Tell them that they are no longer allowed to park there and that you will call the tow truck to have them removed if they do, and there will be no further notice.
Then do it.” bay_lamb
7. AITJ For Complaining About My Neighbour's Early Morning Prayer?
“I (F40) and my husband (M42) live in an apartment block with our two kids. A teenager and a preschooler.
Our upstairs neighbors are house-sharing, and the room directly above our bedroom has a guy living there whom I’m assuming is Muslim. Let’s call him Adam.
Adam is generally pretty quiet and chill. However, at one point he started playing a prayer song between 4:30-6:30 am every day.
It was a very upbeat music version. The musical accompaniment was fast-paced and energizing.
But it happened so early and right above our room.
It just beamed right into our room.
My spouse and I are not light sleepers. We wear earplugs every night; my spouse is heavily medicated overnight, etc.
However, this prayer would wake us up every morning. Just shock us out of sleep and go for at least 20 minutes.
We had a baby, and I could only use 1 earplug during this time so I could hear him.
It would wake us up, wake up the baby, and just really make our sleep even worse than a baby does.
Living in an apartment you have to expect some noise.
Life is life, and people have to live it.
But this was driving us mad.
We asked if Adam could refrain from playing the prayer until after 7 am or maybe put it on through headphones.
He agreed, and it stopped. Then started back up. We gave it a few times, then asked again and were told “ok.”
Then it started again. Spouse went and asked. Adam said he hadn’t been playing it. Um… Yes, you have been because it wakes us up when you do!
Anyway, it has stopped and hasn’t come back for a year or more, so I guess he has found another way to play it that doesn’t disturb us at the crack of dawn.
But Adam seems to hate us.
We don’t want to force our norms on people. I hate that we were “those” white people making him feel uncomfortable in a place he probably already feels is so darn white.
On the other hand, if it were Christian prayer, rock, jazz, or whatever, we would have had no hesitation in asking him to stfu.
Should we have treated this differently because it’s a minority religion where we are?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there’s nothing wrong with asking for respect of other peoples’ noisescapes at 5 am. There’s also no religious precept that requires Muslims to pray loudly or blast music so you weren’t being culturally insensitive with the request. If you’d like to heal the relationship, maybe you could thank him for making the change, like, genuinely just tell him “hey, I know what we asked of you is big and I know how important spirituality is to all of our wellbeing right now.
I really appreciate the fact that you listened when we asked for that accommodation, please let us know if you ever need anything.” Acknowledging that what he’s done was a sacrifice and telling him the sacrifice was beneficial to you might make it feel a little better.
Don’t apologize, cause you don’t have anything to apologize for, just thank him for making a big change to help you all.” kharmatika
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Adam was being very inconsiderate. There is nothing bigoted about you asking that he keep quiet before 7 am.
The purpose of his words & music are irrelevant. If he is now giving you the cold shoulder, that is his problem. You could ease your conscience by extending an olive branch, for example, thank him for not waking your family up and offer a little token gift of nuts and sweets.
It could help, or not, but may feel better for having tried.” EllenMoyer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for asking him to turn the volume down or listen through headphones. I think asking him to pest at 7 am is a bit less realistic/considerate because there are set times that the prayers are meant to take place.
But continue to insist that the volume be decreased because it’s not acceptable that any prayer or noise be so loud that it wakes a baby from dead sleep every morning. It seems like he got the message, so I wouldn’t fret too much about him not liking you.
What you asked was reasonable and not jerkish.” RecordingNo7280
6. AITJ For Bringing Up Childhood Abandonment During A Car Breakdown?
“When I was a kid (I think I was 11 or 12 at the time) my parents rarely got into fights and when they did, they were resolved within a few hours, except one time. I don’t know what they were arguing about, but at some point, my older sister (I am the second oldest child out of 4 total) came into my room and told me our mom was leaving and I needed to convince her not to.
I don’t think I need to explain that for a kid, being told your mom is leaving out of nowhere causes some panic. I probably stood by her for 20 minutes, crying and begging her to stay while she packed a bag and ignored my presence.
Then she left. My dad went after her, but she left anyway.
The next day, she came back like nothing ever happened. No one ever talked about it. My dad and siblings acted like nothing happened, too. I was the only one who didn’t. I didn’t talk to her for days.
Ever since then, that’s been at the back of my mind all the time. Anytime I spoke to her, that thought that she could and would just up and leave without there being anything I could do was always there. So I entirely avoided negative conversations and arguments.
A lot of the time when she got mad at me for something, I just said nothing because in my mind it was better than saying what she deemed the wrong thing and having her leave. Because of this, I haven’t been close with her.
I can’t talk to her like I would with my dad.
Now, the actual situation this came up in was that I borrowed her car for a few days and one morning it didn’t turn on. I called my dad about it; the details aren’t exactly relevant, I think, but eventually, she found out and got upset I called dad instead of her.
An argument ensued, which went like they usually do, until she said, “You’re my son and it’s like you’re constantly afraid to tell me anything,” to which I just responded that I am. I told her that I’m always thinking about that day she left. She didn’t say anything and just left. And now that I’m writing it out, it sounds incredibly ironic.
Now my siblings and dad are saying I’m in the wrong because I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I know my mom thinks I’m a jerk (I’m pretty sure she’s always thought that, though). Now I’m wagering if I should’ve just kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.”
Another User Comments:
“I think you should have an open conversation with your mom. You have stewed with this thought that she’ll up and go for years now and it significantly cast a shadow on your relationship. You are definitely not the jerk, OP. I’m a bit suspicious of your family members on why they didn’t want to talk about it.
Unless you guys talk it out, this will always be a point of contention in your relationship with your mom. NTJ.” Reasonable_Cookie206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you experienced was trauma related to abandonment. As children, it’s very important for our parents to show us that they can be trusted to be there when we need them.
You being made to get involved in that situation on top of your mother doing nothing to reassure you (it’s okay for her to leave if she needed to for one reason or another, but it WAS her job to let you know when she’d be back/assure you that you weren’t at fault) greatly affected your trust in her, and it sounds like it also forced you into becoming the scapegoat in the family in order to try and ‘keep the peace.’ But it’s important for you to know that, at the end of the day, NONE of this has been your fault, and it’s not on you to keep the peace OR to keep your family together.
Those responsibilities lie solely with your parents, and it’s okay that you don’t trust her. It’s on her to rebuild that kind of bond with you. Sincerely hope you’re able to get to a point where you don’t feel like you have to be her punching bag.
You sound like a good guy just trying his best.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad and siblings are just wrong on this. Even if ignoring what your mom did superficially works for them for now, for you it will never deal with the damage your mother did to your relationship.
If there is any chance for you and your mother to work things out and recover the trust, it had to be brought up. Apparently, she didn’t realize just what damage her actions caused. Now she does. The ball is in her court. Frankly, I doubt your mother will have a massive epiphany, apologize, and set to work on mending your relationship—but that doesn’t mean you were wrong to tell her.
Now the both of you know what the issue is. You have nothing to apologize about and you don’t need to emulate your father and siblings’ dysfunctional tip-toeing around your mother. That won’t work out well for them in the long term either. If your mother is always one wrong word away from walking out the door, then pretending everything is fine is only a paper-thin, cosmetic cover to hide the problem.” kurokomainu
5. AITJ For Not Waking My Partner Up On My Day Off?
“I (20) and my partner (23) have the same job, but today I had the day off and he didn’t. Usually, I am the one getting us up in the morning when we are working, but since I had the day off, I stayed up really late, and I didn’t get up and he was late.
This also happened the other day.
Well, he ended up putting it on me, saying I’m inconsiderate for not going to sleep early and making sure he was up since I always get us up, and he always makes sure that I’m up whenever he’s off.
Which he does sometimes, and I appreciate it a lot, but it’s definitely not all the time, and when he doesn’t, I truly couldn’t care less cause at the end of the day I feel like that’s my responsibility, and mine only.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Come on. He’s an adult. It’s nice y’all can wake up together a lot of the time but at the end of the day, it’s not up to either of you to make sure the other is up.
My partner and I frequently make sure the other gets up, and we normally wake up at the same time. But we both set our own alarms. So yeah, most days we have two alarms going off at the same time, but the benefit of that is twofold: we hold ourselves responsible for ourselves, and if one of us has a day off, the other already has an alarm set.
There’s no expectation (and nor should there be) that we’re responsible for the other one getting up on time. If I’m late to work it’s on me, and vice versa.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you were up and noticed he was going to be late and didn’t tell him you would be but that isn’t how it went down.
You are entitled to sleep in. It is unfortunate when you both do it on a day when one of you has to work, but you are not a jerk for that. Whoever works the next day is ultimately responsible for waking themselves up. Christmas is coming up, maybe an alarm clock would be a good gift. Or you could set his phone for him at night so there’s a backup if you want to take on the mental load of waking up the household.
Personally, I would not like this role.” OkraEither2528
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Adults are responsible for getting themselves out of bed and ready for work. You need to stop getting him up on the days you both work so that he realizes that. Expecting you to work for him on your day off is a big red flag.
Are you a partner that he wants to have enjoy their day off, or his secretary who has to remind him of his schedule, or his mommy who has to get him ready for the day? Any answer except the first is out of line.” rockology_adam
4. AITJ For Refusing To Fund Funeral Travel For A Distant Friend's Daughter?
“A friend who’s not close to me now but was 20+ years ago has a daughter in WA. His dad passed away. The friend and his daughter have been asking me for money to fly her home for the funeral. I’ve ignored them, hoping they’d stop, but it’s been two days.
The daughter didn’t even try to come home when the grandmother or uncle died. I spoke to this friend once this year, and the daughter, none. The daughter does not work, and the friend has two jobs but is financially irresponsible.
They assume I have money because I travel often and am not rich, but live comfortably.
I don’t think it’s my place to help. I want to message and say sorry, but I’m afraid it would be rude.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not something you are just dedicated to have to do and they also shouldn’t just try to put that financial burden on you like that.
Just wish them the best and condolences, but you’re not obligated to deal with that for them unless you just truly want to. But not just because they want a handout and expect you to.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, funeral and related expenses are the responsibility of the FAMILY, and it’s wildly inappropriate for them to feel so entitled to YOUR money just because you have it.
These people are NOT your friends. Secondly, I am very curious about where the notion of it being “rude” to say “no” to a request came from? A request where someone is unwilling to take no for an answer is actually a DEMAND. And that, in this case, would be the rude part.” No_Glove_1575
Another User Comments:
“Nope. You’re not obligated to do this in any way whatsoever. There is nothing wrong with saying no. Giving people large sums of money isn’t a good idea. (Small amounts are ok as long as you recognize it’s a gift and not a loan).
If you do eventually decide to give them some money, treat it as a gift and not a loan. If you decide to make it a line, then draw up a contract, complete with the amount loaned, what payments should be, and when it needs to be paid by.
It needs to be signed by both. (You’ll laugh, but I learned the importance of such contracts on “Judge Judy”!)” Paula_Intermountain
3. AITJ For Leaving Family Dinner Over My Mother's Constant Criticism Of My Smile?
“We’re currently on a family vacation. Myself, husband, two kids, and my parents.
A little background… My mother is odd and my dad has commented as long as I can remember that she and I are like oil and water. I can’t even put her oddness completely into words, other than to say she feels competitive over my father’s attention – not even with just me, but also with her grandsons.
If my father wants to read them a story or tuck them in bed, she interrupts and tells him it’s time for him to go to sleep?? It’s incredibly cringy to watch.
The other pertinent fact is that I have chronic pain – every avenue has been exhausted, my successful career is gone, but my mother always downplays it, acting like I just have a little headache when she knows that I am never not in pain.
In contrast, she is constantly looking for a reason to see a new doctor – every tiny twinge is the end of the world for her.
So tonight we were set to go out for our first family dinner. We get to the lobby, everyone’s dressed up and it’s decorated for Christmas, so I’m getting pictures.
I finally ask my dad if he would take a picture of our family of 4. As we’re posing with our children in front, I see my mother go right up next to my dad and yell out, “Stop that! You need to fix your smile.”
I honestly think she’s talking to one of our boys. Since I can’t see their faces, I add in, “Okay, nice smiles.” However, my mom interjects again, “No, you, (my name)! Your smile is horrible! It looks like ‹she takes her fingers, puts them on each side of her mouth and pulls one up and one down while tilting her head›!” I’m honestly baffled as I am genuinely smiling.
I realize that my smile probably doesn’t extend up to my eyes like it used to as a result of the pain, but she’s acting like I was making a goofy face.
I go to reset and she once again yells, “Stop making that face!” At this point I’m angry.
I leave the pose, get the phone from my dad, pick up my purse, and start walking towards the restaurant. But she’s not done. She hurries after me and continues to tell me how I need to look at the photos to see how awful my smile was.
I did. It was not! There was NOTHING wrong with the picture! The fact that she kept going on and on justifying her actions, I was finally just done. I stopped walking, told my husband I’m sorry but I’m going to go back to the room and that he and the kids can go to dinner without me.
I was on fire with anger, which gave way to tears as soon as I was out of her presence.
So in her mind (and maybe everyone else’s) I’m the one who ruined dinner, and I probably did… I should be able to just let her words roll off me.
I feel such a shell of my former self from everything I’ve lost to this devouring pain – now I can’t even smile correctly! However, I’m pretty sure I’m being the jerk to the people I love the most and that makes the whole thing even worse.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is past time to put some distance between you and your mother. She has serious issues if she is this jealous of you and your children’s interactions with your father. That is not mentally healthy. Realize two things. First thing is what she is doing is what is known as mental abuse.
That is all it is. The constant degrading is abuse. She is humiliating you in public for maximum effect. This is coming from her unhealthy need to be the center of attention. She sees you as competition for that, so acts to emotionally hurt you to eliminate the competition.
She is not well. The second thing to realize is this. Being around her is teaching your children that it is OK to disrespect you and that they should tolerate disrespect from loved ones. This is setting a terrible example for your children. Remove them from that dynamic.
Dad is at best an enabler. He just lets Mom run all over you to her heart’s content. He’s not innocent in this story. So the TLDR – Your parents are terrible – time to focus on your own family and get some space from them.” WhereWeretheAdults
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did not ruin the dinner. Your mom did. She deliberately degraded you, pushed you, heckled you, and shamed you. All the other adults, including your husband, suck. Your husband should have stood up for you. Period. Instead, he watched her do all these things and knew you were hurt by them.
Your dad has let your mom get away with this behavior literally your entire life. He let her verbally and emotionally abuse you. Period. Your mom is an abusive, cruel, and narcissistic butthole. I’m sure she’s enjoying all the attention she’s getting by playing the victim.
For your mental health, please find a therapist to help you process everything. Chronic pain, a husband who won’t stand up for you, and parents who run roughshod over you are absolutely things therapy can help you with. And start going low contact with your parents now.
They don’t deserve front-row seats to your pain.” MissNikiL
Another User Comments:
“Your mother sounds like a narcissist. There are ways to handle them, by either grey rocking or going no contact. While you’re not in the wrong for leaving, you gave her what she wanted, which was an emotional reaction.
Your father presumably enables her, but if your husband stayed, and moreover is mad at you (as opposed to your assumption he thinks negatively) then you also have a husband problem. You should be working with a specialist therapist who can help you confront the trauma resulting from having a narcissistic parent.
And may find there’s a connection between the trauma and your pain issues (trauma can be mental and somatic, which means of the body, as it’s possible for trauma to migrate and cause physical issues. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn are good resources on this).” elgrn1
2. AITJ For Pretending To Be Sick To Dodge My Brother's Wife?
“My brother and his wife recently got married after 5 years of being together. My brother and I have always been close and will still hang out sometimes on our own, but he completely changes around his wife. They have always behaved as that over-the-top couple—baby-talking, super touchy-feely, etc., and I have zero interest in being around them together.
This is never an issue around my friends who are also in relationships, and I’ve never encountered this before.
I’m currently grieving the losses of my grandfather and my little furry companion of 9 years, and my tolerance for things is much lower than normal. My brother enjoys cooking for people and invited me to get together with both of them tonight.
Would I be the jerk for faking sick to get out of an invite for tonight?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry for your losses. Losing beloved people and pets at the same time can knock you down. A simple ‘things have been difficult lately, I’m taking some ‘me’ time’ should suffice.
That covers however long you need to get back in a good place rather than pleading sick every time you get asked.” ChinSpin_1986
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But a part of being mature is clear communication. Just say that you appreciate the offer of cooking, but you barely tolerate baby-talk touchy-feely normally (and I bet they know that) and you’re just not in the mood for any of that at all tonight.
If that’s how they express their love, cool, you’re not interested in being around it. Sorry for your losses.” DRmonarch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you shouldn’t need to lie. Just tell your brother that you are grieving and he should understand. Very sorry to hear about your losses.
Perhaps when you are in a better frame of mind, talk to him about how uncomfortable you feel. I think it can be done in a light way. If you are into musicals, look up ‘Snooky Ookums’ sung by Fred Astaire and Judy Garland, which might help.” Druklet
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Hoarder In-Laws Into My Home?
“My in-laws are in their 60s. Hoarders. Unhealthy people. Not elderly. Saying: “Well, this is what happens when you get to be our age.” No, it doesn’t. Eat healthy and take care of yourself.
They don’t cook or clean, their house is falling apart from neglect, neglecting their own hygiene, they reek of urine, and have two cats who urinate and defecate all over the house.
Their doctors have passively made comments about the smell. They don’t ask for help or consider nursing homes. They seem to be there mentally but are just gross.
Winter of 2023, my FIL (+350 lbs) fell and he and my MIL could not get him back up.
They called the fire department. The FD saw the condition of the house, called the health department, and said they had 14 days or so to fix some of the issues around the house before they would be forced to leave. The humane society came and took their two cats away (I also know they just feed their cats leftovers from the food they get delivered. IMO they should not have the poor things).
There is mold, cat defecation, rot, and I would bet human excitement all around the house. My wife said there were trash bags filled to the brim everywhere. They got the house taken care of just enough to meet code, and fell right back into it and now it’s worse.
FIL recently beat cancer, but has some wounds/infections on his legs and they keep coming back. Not sure on the cause of the infections, but I am certain their hygiene and living environment are causing them to remain.
Today, my FIL fell again and it was a repeat of 2023.
The FD called. The health department was notified. The humane society took the two cats away, again. They have done nothing to improve the house. I heard my MIL say “It’s only gotten worse” over the phone when talking to my wife earlier tonight. The health department has marked it with “red tape” or a “red flag” or something where the house is not permitted for entry at this time, I think is what I heard.
FIL’s leg infections had maggots growing on them. Yes, maggots. He was delirious from the fall and is being admitted to the hospital for a few days. It sounds like a minor kidney injury or something. MIL has been discharged. She does not own a cell phone, and all of her belongings are back at the house, which I am not sure they can get in.
My wife is on her way to get my MIL and bring her back to our house. I said no. My wife and I both work from home. We do have the room. My wife said she will sleep in the guest bedroom, which doubles as my wife’s office.
I feel like in a 14-year husband and wife relationship in a house that we own together, my feelings and opinions should be valid, and we should come to an agreement. My in-laws knew in 2023 they had to do something, and they didn’t, and I do not want to be a shelter for that kind of behavior.
AITJ for telling my wife, “No, MIL can’t stay here.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DO NOT LET THEM INTO YOUR HOUSE. They will not leave. They will build a new hoard in your home starting the first day. Contact Adult Protective Services to get them help finding somewhere to live.
Given their history, they might already have a caseworker at APS. It will be very hard to get your wife to understand because hoarding has been so normalized for her. She’s probably taken a lot of crap from her parents with even the gentlest suggestion that they clean up.
Hoarders value their stuff more than people, no matter how stained and ruined it is. You say that you have the space, but they’d be occupying what is now a home office. Anything that is in the room that the in-laws occupy risks being destroyed. It is likely that you are vastly underestimating the amount of work that they will cause and the fights that will result as the result of their occupancy.
The only way to avoid these problems is to not allow them to live in your home, not even overnight.” No_Philosopher_1870
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These people need a higher level of care than you are able to provide (or should have to provide).
I don’t know where you live, but if it is the US, call your state DSHS office and speak to someone in Adult Protective Services. This couple sounds like they are gravely disabled. You do not live in a situation like that without having a mental illness.
They need to be in residential care, at least initially. Perhaps they would be able to return home with supportive services after some time. I am amazed that the fire department and hospital staff have not initiated something with social services.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Offer (if you can afford to) to help with a hotel. Long-term hotels have lower rates. That will buy time to find them both a place. Assisted living may be a decent long-term option. Do not let them in your home. They will not stop the hoarding.
At this point, it’s as much an addiction as substances or booze. My aunt and her husband were like this. He got angry at her one day and threw a carton of eggs against the wall. My aunt refused to clean up the eggs because Chaim had thrown them.
By the time of the egg incident, I refused to go to their house for any reason. My aunt got sick about five years after her husband died, and I went with my mom to drop medicine off. The egg mess was still there, FIVE years after Chaim died. My aunt saw nothing wrong with that.
Do not let them stay with you, even temporarily!” Bouche_Audi_Shyla
