People Get Agitated Over These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

“My (30m) father (60’s) fell seriously ill just after I left for a two-week vacation a few years back. The illness came on very suddenly and the doctor told my father he was lucky to be alive.

Upon my return, I learned about what had happened and I was upset and worried he was ill but happy he was ok and recovering.

However, I didn’t feel upset about them not telling me as it was happening. I thought it was incredibly kind of them to make the decision not to tell me and to give me that trip without worrying about his health. It would be a very different story had he passed away, but here is where I struggle.

My emotional intelligence is poor, so I have a very hard time putting myself in the shoes of someone who wasn’t told about the illness until it was too late.

With that backstory out of the way, last week I got sick. After 3 days of being sick, I went to the hospital. The doctor did some bloodwork and when they got the results, they informed me they were keeping me overnight for observation.

I called my wife and made arrangements for work and for our child to be taken care of while I was indisposed. My wife told me I should call my parents and let them know what was happening, but I disagreed.

My reasoning was:

1.) While the doctor suspected it was something significant, the suspected illness has a wide range of outcomes – from “on my deathbed” to “false alarm”.

2.) I’m privileged that my parents are great people, love me as a parent should, and will drop whatever they are doing on a moment’s notice and bend over backward to help me out. It is exhausting. They lose all concept of practicality if there is an opportunity to go above and beyond for friends or family.

3.) The biggest thing I needed for recovery was rest and focusing on anything but how bad it hurt. If I let them know what was going on, they would strongly recommend I let them visit me, which I could turn down. But what I wouldn’t be able to do is stop the barrage of texts that would flood in at all hours with recommendations, advice, or requests for updates.

After the observation night ended and the doctors confirmed their diagnosis, I was discharged and told to take acetaminophen for the pain and just wait until everything resolved. Here’s where I may be the jerk – once I got back home and got settled, I neglected to call my parents until the following morning like a jerk.

When I finally did call, I was properly on the road to full recovery and they were exceptionally put off. They aren’t moving on their stance, my wife tells me I’m the jerk, and I wouldn’t have done anything differently if I had to do it over again.

The main point I hear is “How would you feel if your child did it to you?” And my response is “I’ve got bad emotional intelligence so IDK but something similar-ish happened before and it was ok.”

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“When my husband was in the hospital, it was I who informed family members.

Why didn’t your wife let them know? If you do not want to be inundated with texts or phone calls, then turn off your phone. I completely understand not wanting to worry people when you don’t know what is going on, but you seem more concerned about being bothered. Your parents may be overreacting but not knowing much about your relationship with them makes it difficult to determine who is the jerk.” alge1960

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. When you have a partner, they take care of things when you can’t. When my wife was dealing with having preemie births (twice three years apart, the NICU knew as well) I took care of everything outside the hospital and she took care of herself in the hospital between my visits.

Your spouse should have been the one notifying people if it was that important, you were busy taking care of yourself.” verminiusrex

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. They’re all allowed to have feelings and what you did doesn’t make you a jerk. We all handle this differently.

You didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill if that was the diagnosis and turns out it was. Waiting a day or two doesn’t make a difference because you’re ok. If you were dying or had moments left, then obviously it matters.

I had a similar thing a while back and was in the ER and even referred to specialists who were trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I didn’t tell my parents who don’t live in the same country as me because I didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily.

I waited until they gave me a formal diagnosis and I told them the entire story. The difference between my parents and yours is they didn’t react like yours did. They understood that I was an adult and had my own life and did things my way.

I didn’t want them to worry unnecessarily and they understood that.” archetyping101