People Are Ticked Off By These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

"My wife chose to be a stay-at-home mom after finishing her degree but was derailed by health issues (IBS, pancreatitis, low-functioning gallbladder). She spent a year mostly bedridden, so I took on all responsibilities, including cooking separate meals for her restricted diet. Over the past year, she’s managed her diet better and started CrossFit, which has been great for her. This past week at work was exhausting, so after dinner, my wife and I enjoyed watching Outlander together. We're hosting Thanksgiving on Sunday, and I expected my wife and our teens to handle some cleaning while I was at work, with me pitching in over the weekend. My birthday is Friday, and Saturday was for food prep. On Saturday morning—before our usual no-task-talk coffee—my wife told me I had to shampoo the carpets. This overwhelmed me because it's a big job, and I struggle with sudden plan changes due to ADHD. I explained I wasn’t prepared for it, and she got irritated, insisting I do it. Later, I tried to explain my tough week and need for downtime, but she became angrier. I suggested she shampoo the carpet while I was at work, but she cited her IBS flare-ups. I felt like everything was falling on me, and in frustration, I said, “So I have a disabled partner, and everything is ultimately my responsibility?” She got furious, accusing me of labeling her. I only meant to clarify, as her ADHD makes it hard to follow her when she’s emotional, and I often condense what she says to avoid misunderstandings. She remained cold all weekend, so I cleaned other parts of the house to avoid conflict. Now she’s upset I didn’t ask how I could help with the carpets, even though she was feeling fine that day. I tried explaining my exhaustion and that I avoided her due to her attitude, but that wasn’t good enough because I didn’t focus on the areas she prioritized. At least we got a lot done, but now I feel stuck." Another User Comments: "Honestly, it sounds like a mix of miscommunication, differing expectations, and built-up frustration on both sides. You were blindsided with a big task before your usual decompressing ritual, which is tough, especially with AuDHD. She, on the other hand, may have been feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, even if that’s not what you intended. The ‘disabled partner’ comment was probably the breaking point—it sounds like you were just trying to clarify, but she took it as a label rather than an observation. Given everything she’s been through, that probably hit a nerve. At the end of the day, this seems like less of a carpet-cleaning issue and more of a communication struggle. Maybe a sit-down conversation (when you’re both calm) about how to handle these situations in a way that works for both of you could help. You’re not the jerk for needing downtime, but she’s also not the asshole for struggling with her health—this just seems like a tough situation all around." User Another User Comments: "Man, this sounds like one of those fights where it’s not about the carpets. Your wife has been through a lot, and so have you. You’ve been doing your best to support her, but you also have limits, especially after a rough workweek. Springing a huge chore on you before coffee? Bad move. Saying ‘so I have a disabled partner and everything is my responsibility?’ Also a bad move. I get why you said it, but dude, that was pouring gasoline on the fire. At this point, I think the best move is to clear the air when emotions settle. This feels more like built-up stress exploding in the worst way rather than either of you being truly in the wrong. Just… maybe next time, no carpet talk before caffeine." User Another User Comments: "Honestly, I don’t think you’re the asshole for not wanting to shampoo the carpets, but I do think the way you worded things made everything worse. It sounds like you were overwhelmed, and she was probably feeling the same but expressed it in a way that clashed with your needs. Dropping a big task on you right before your coffee ritual was bad timing, and your AuDHD makes sudden changes even harder to process. That said, the ‘disabled partner’ comment was rough. Even if you were just trying to summarize, it came across as dismissive of her struggles rather than empathetic. No wonder she got upset. At the end of the day, this isn’t about the carpets—it’s about stress, expectations, and both of you feeling unsupported in different ways. Maybe sit down and talk it out when you’re both calm, because this cycle of resentment isn’t doing either of you any favors." User