People Are Quick To Pick Sides In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

"So my husband comes from a 'traditional' family. Mum's a SAHM, father was the sole provider. I come from the opposite - my mother pretty much forbade me from ever being financially dependent on a man and drilled that into me early on. My husband worked hard to unlearn the values he saw replicated at home. He pulled his weight at home, was an engaged and present father and a genuine partner. The one thing that grinds my gears is how much weight he puts on the opinions of his family. I get that we all want our parents to be proud of us, but this is too much. My ILs are staying with us for 2 weeks. Our usual MO is, I prep breakfast, we all eat lunch at work/school, and my husband makes dinner. We have a cleaner, but she's on holiday so in the meantime we're DIYing the cleaning where it's down to everyone to keep their space clean and common spaces we all clean. This is how we've always done it, and it works. My ILs hate that I'm 'one of those modern women'. They hate that I work, they hate that I don't find my purpose in being a wife and mother and they hate that my husband pulls his weight at home. We spoke pretty frankly early on, where I established my boundaries and told them I won't be chastised about how I live my life in my home. When I am a guest in their home, I accommodate their ways and play the DIL they wish I was. They have for the most part respected this. I got home yesterday after work tired and starving. I typically get home at 1815/30 and we eat at 1900. I said quick hellos and ran up for a pre-dinner shower. When I came down, I went to the kitchen to help set up for dinner and found nothing ready. I asked my husband about it but he wouldn't look at me and his mother answered that he hadn't cooked anything. She told me I needed to do my duty as a wife and cook for my family. My coward of a husband still wasn't looking at me. I just walked away and ordered takeaway. I dished up for me and my kids and we sat at the table to eat. My husband and his parents served themselves and joined us. My MIL was still going on about what was wrong with me and why I was a failure. I asked my husband if he had anything to say. He said his mother had a point and it wouldn't hurt if I acted 'more like a proper woman' and 'took better care of my home and children'. He said tradition was tradition for a reason and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for how he was raised. This is where I might be the jerk. I told him tradition won't allow a man on 35k to support a family of 5 and he was too broke to be so sexist. He looked hurt and I saw tears welling in his eyes. He excused himself from the table. I regret saying this in front of our children, but him saying that to me after I'm busting my butt to clean up his mess on top of having to deal with his parents was too much for me. AITJ?" ​Another User Comments: "NTJ - I get you want to present a united front to the kids but he said that about you in front of them and that is not an idea you want taking root in your children's minds. He was banking on you bowing to peer/family pressure to get away with this disrespect of you and your family's normal way of division of labor. He gambled and lost on that and I am really proud that you did not bow down just because his parents were there or that the kids were in the room. Too many people let things like this slide so as not to upset the apple cart. This is all on him. He decided it was better for him and easier for him to risk your feelings than stand up to his parents. He chose to upset you versus upsetting his mother. I honestly would not have let them have any of the take-out food. I would have probably taken my kids and left to have dinner with just me and the kids." judgeeveryonesbiznes Another User Comments: "NTJ. First thing to do is tell the ILs they are no longer welcome in your home. If husband wants to see them, he can go visit them. I'd put strict rules in place about contact with the children. Your children should not have to listen to them denigrate their mother. Do talk to your children and say you're sorry they had to hear that and that adult conversations should be private. Do not apologize to your husband, he was fine with letting his parents attack you and he said you were not a proper woman. He should be groveling at this point. Tell him he has a choice of therapy for himself or divorce. Your children do not need to be brought up in a sexist, demeaning household. Be firm and take care of yourself." squirrelsareevil2479 Another User Comments: "Obviously NTJ, but I do have to wonder... What exactly have your husband and parents-in-law been saying about you amongst each other? Doesn't sound like your husband is stopping any malicious slandering, sounds more like he's joining in. More than that, how much of what they've slandered you about was said in the hearing of the kids? Little mice have large ears, and kids have a habit of eavesdropping when the adults gossip about their parents. There is a HUGE crisis in your marriage right now since your husband basically betrayed you. Like literally took what you agreed on (equality) and trusted him with (your children) and did the opposite of what you trusted him to do. It's a betrayal. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'd be interested in hearing what he has to say for himself when you talk to him... and you MUST talk to him about it, ASAP." metalmorian