People Are Petrified By Their 'Am I The Jerk?' Tales

"I (57m) and my wife (54f) left Italy some 25 years ago, and have lived in the UK and now in the Netherlands. We have well-paying jobs, a comfortable life, and all. My wife had a difficult relationship with her family. My wife's sister & her husband are long-term unemployed. They have expensive tastes - weekly hairdresser, dinner out every Saturday, designer clothes for their daughter, and so on. My father-in-law passed 10 years ago, and my mother-in-law has had severe health problems since and is dependent on daughters' help for everything from grocery shopping to house chores. This is complicated by my sister-in-law's temper - many of her interactions with my mother-in-law end up in screams and threats, to the point where my mother-in-law often ends up in hospital with fibrillation and panic attacks. For the past 10 years or so, my wife has had to live away from our home, find a job in Italy, spend afternoons/evenings at my mother-in-law's house, always accused by my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law of not doing enough, because in the morning she works instead of being a carer. We have also been accused of selfishness because we bought a flat in Italy - we should have given that money to my sister-in-law who has to rent. I've seen my wife at weekends (when I could fly to Italy), Christmas, Easter, and in summer, when she came back home and left her mother in the care of the in-laws. We also hired a lady who would go to my mother-in-law's house for a few hours every day, clean, check on her well-being, and keep her company. My sister-in-law complains about this - my mother-in-law receives about 500 Euros/month from the state for this purpose and the money went straight to them; now we're using 20% of it to contribute to the lady's salary - we "take money from them". We were informed that "they've had it", it's unfair that they can't go on holiday for Christmas and summer because we want to "enjoy the good life in NL at their expense", and my wife HAS to stay there year-round. Their daughter has depression because she cannot go on holidays twice a year like her friends, while we "live a carefree life abroad". They "don't want to pay" for our "choice" to live abroad, and if we want to be together I should quit my job, go back to southern Italy, and "do my duty" as a son-in-law. And we should take care of ALL expenses. We lost our tempers and told them we have done more than our share and taken care of expenses, and since they claim we're doing nothing, we WILL do nothing, stop all payments, stop giving money to my mother-in-law every time she transfers to them her pension and is unable to pay her bills, we'll sell the flat and my wife is moving back with me in NL. My mother-in-law has the initial symptoms of dementia, a triple bypass, chronic heart problems, fibrillation, and other issues. Prolonged interactions with my sister-in-law ended up in hospitalization. If we leave, she may be again in hospital, or worse, soon. On the other hand, this is unsustainable, I miss my wife and she misses me, and we cannot continue being the family's sugar daddies to receive abuse and constant accusations in return. I don't know if we'll pull back and ignore my wife's family, but if we do, WIBTJ?" Another User Comments: "NTJ If you can, I would try and find a way to bring Grandma with you, but I understand she may not want to leave her home and that it may also not be as feasible. The other daughter doesn't want to be burdened with caring for their mother, and these tactics are an attempt to shift the responsibility onto you. They are free to also not care for the grandmother, and it sounds like there are already options in place for her to receive care from the state or state-paid nurses." StellarPhenom420 Another User Comments: "You would not be the jerk. It's ridiculous that you two are sacrificing so much for such ungrateful people. I recommend that your wife come up with a plan on what she's going to do if she needs to cut off all communication with her mother and sister or if her mother gets sick or passes. It won't be her fault!! But she may feel like it is, or feel guilty regardless. Would therapy help with that? What kind of mental support can she build for herself? What about your mental health if that comes to pass?" KingBretwald Another User Comments: "You would not be the jerk. So stop paying for your brother-in-law's lifestyle. "For the past 10 years or so, my wife has had to live away from our home, find a job in Italy, and spend afternoons/evenings at my mother-in-law's house," .. Nonsense. She did not have to. She chose to do this." Aggressive-Mind-2085