People Get Mindful About These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

"Tomorrow is my youngest daughter's 5th birthday party. She's having a fairy-themed party and my husband has gone above and beyond to turn our backyard into a fairy garden. He's been helped by one of his best friends, who also happens to be my sister's ex-husband. He's proficient in woodworking and he helped make several things for the décor. Today he and my husband have been setting up the yard. I sent my sister a video going around the backyard. She replied complimenting the work but had heard her ex-husband talking in the video and asked what he was doing there. I told her he was helping set everything up and she was upset that we had asked her ex-husband to help with the party instead of her. I explained to her that my husband has overseen setting up for the party and requested her ex to help because he's handy. She didn't seem very happy with my answer. Because she was upset about finding out he had helped with the party, I thought it was best to let her know I had also invited him to the party tomorrow. She replied to me with "Why would you do that?" and then "You could have at least asked me." Her ex is great with kids, especially with my 3 daughters who all adore him. My daughter specifically requested his presence when we were doing her invitations. On top of that, his and my sister's son (9) will be there, and I knew in advance it would be his weekend to have him. I, therefore, assumed my sister already knew he was invited as otherwise she would have had to organize him dropping him off for the party. I told her my reasoning and she hasn't replied. It's been a little over 3 years since they separated, and this is the first time I've invited him to one of my kid's parties since. Have I been the jerk inviting him? My mom thinks I should have asked my sister before inviting him and now I know how she feels asking him not to come. My husband thinks that would be what makes us the jerks especially after he helped so much. My sister is bringing her partner and her partner's kids. I don't think her ex and partner have spent much time around each other before so there is the potential of things getting awkward. My sister has complained in the past about our family still preferring her ex to her new partner, so I see why she's upset." Another User Comments: "ESH - I wonder if some of you understand how uncomfortable it can be to be forced into the same settings with your ex? This is your sister and she has to co-parent but outside of that she's free of her ex. She can relax. It's on her to arrange with her ex consideration so that their son can attend a birthday party on her side. That's not for you to solve. I feel sister Trump's friend but I get it, your husband got help from the ex so yes, it would feel like using him to not invite him. However, I also think you should have considered your sister and given her the heads up from the very beginning. It's 3 years of him not joining in and suddenly he's there. I think she had a reasonable expectation that he wouldn't be in "her" (meaning her family's) space after a 3-year pattern. If that was going to change she was owed a conversation in." Kami_Sang Another User Comments: "Tbh, it sounds like you all still have a relationship with her ex. It is your right to choose, but if they are not copacetic, it is fair for her to be upset. Especially since this hasn’t happened in previous years. While they share your nephew, choosing “sides” is pretty standard in a divorce, and if you’re gonna choose him, you should be clear with your sister and not just surprise her with it. I don’t know what caused the split, but the least you owe to everyone is transparency so they can make their own choices. Just be aware that picking her ex for his “handy” skills could mean losing your sister’s trust." random_broom_handle Another User Comments: "Slightly different from everyone else but No jerks here. I see both sides and don't think either of you is a jerk. You don't need her permission to invite him and she's not wrong for expecting a heads-up that her ex will be there when you know she would also be there. But if I had to choose a side I would agree with your sister. Because as you said this is the first time you invited him in the 3 years they have been separated. So yea the first time you are a simple heads up would have been considerate" Apart-Scene-9059