People Have Feuds In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

"I have two children (11f and 8m) with my ex, and we share physical and legal custody of them. I pay child support because I'm a higher earner than my ex, and the child support is minimal ($150 monthly), but is supposed to help balance things between both homes. My ex is married again, and her family has grown. In the house with her are her husband, his three children (under 10), and their two shared children (under 5). My ex and her husband struggle financially and have attempted to increase child support five times in the last four years. The courts turned down their request for more child support each time. Twice in front of a judge, and the other times we did not make it before a judge before it was denied. My ex was reminded that child support is meant to provide for our kids, not for her family as a whole. My ex argued that the financial burden impacts them, but this was not deemed worthy of a child support increase. They were looking for an increase to make it $800 a month. My ex has independently asked me to give her $50 here and there or to buy stuff for the other children in her home. This happens even when our children are in my home. I always say no. I have told my ex that I am not responsible for supporting her other children and will never provide for them financially. Recently this became a more intense issue on their side because our daughter's birthday and her youngest stepchild's birthday are a week apart, and our daughter had a great time and got gifts at both my house and her mom's, and she had a big birthday party that I hosted. While my ex's stepchild didn't get much and had no party (they could not afford one), I had been asked twice to send some gifts for the other child. My ex also wanted the other kids invited; my daughter didn't, so they weren't invited. It made my ex angry. But then her stepkids' lunch accounts went into the negative days after the birthdays were both over, and since I topped up our kids, she wanted me to do it for her stepkids, and I said no again. She called me a monster and asked how I could live with myself, knowing my children's other family were struggling and were literally drowning in financial difficulty, and I could help out but chose not to. AITJ?" Another User Comments: "Is it possible to have the kids live with you? What she is doing sounds very manipulative... I truly hope this doesn't turn into a situation where it is making your children feel bad or even make the stepchildren resent your children over time. As much as I am for helping any child, you are in the right to not feel obligated to take care of someone else's child. Not only that, she is sure acting entitled about the situation. I would save these messages and see what can be done to make things not just easier on you but the children. If you can, it sounds like they just need to live with you instead." Sapphire71519 Another User Comments: "NTJ. You are right to not give her a penny extra — the moment you start giving her more, she could potentially use that in court as a precedent/status quo to get the child support officially raised. You have to be really careful about strictly holding that line. It was her decision to marry someone with 3 kids, and then her decision again to have 2 more. She chose to have kids she couldn’t financially support. I would suggest though that you don’t worsen any rifts between your kids and their step/half siblings. The financial disparity is already huge, and it may be next to impossible to salvage the relationship, but you should encourage your kids to be considerate, grateful, and generous with their siblings. It’s not their siblings’ fault that their parents are financially struggling or that they’re putting the responsibility in the wrong place. There are ways you and your kids can still be kind and considerate to the other kids without giving your ex money." anbaric26 Another User Comments: "NTJ. They made the decision to have more children together, after getting into a relationship where they each brought children. They already had kids, so they should have a sense of how much it costs to raise children, and given they aren't young and a little naive, they also had all the resources, independence, and critical thinking skills to decide to take charge of their own family planning (aka, I have sympathy for an 18-year-old struggling with a child, I have none for grown adults who are independent of their parents and fully able to make their own choices). So, what happens in that house isn't your problem, and you aren't a jerk for not helping them. I would suggest two things though: 1. Go through a parenting app for all communication going forward. Not only is it very good for court, as it documents communication to be used in court (no fake messages), but it also creates an environment where you each have to really think about what you are going to say. Your ex may back off some of the asks/nasty messages in a parenting app, and it also creates a control — no, I will not answer my phone to speak to you; no, we cannot speak at pickup; whatever you want to say, put it in the app. 2. My guess is your kids aren't having a great time at their mother's, so it may be time for you to take some steps to either change custody or get your kids some professional help to manage that household. You need to talk to your kids about what goes on over there — not saying you haven't — and figure out what to do to protect your kids from what is likely a toxic environment." mfruitfly