People Are Devastated In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

"I (44F) am married to my hubby, Jimmy (48M) for over two decades. My parents passed away suddenly in a car accident 10 years ago. I have a younger sister, Abigail (39F) with Down syndrome, and Jimmy and I are guardians. Abigail is my sweet angel on Earth.

When my parents passed, I was a working mother of three young kids, helping to build our family business with my husband. At first, Abigail lived with us full-time. Jimmy has always been at my side with her care and loves her to bits. After a few months, we realized that my sister needed more attention than we could give her. There was just not enough time in the day. We discussed what would be best for her and decided to put her into a private adult home for special needs people. It's very costly (over 10k a month) and comes from our finances. The facility does all sorts of activities and field trips. She loves her home, her friends, and the "special" days the facility hosts. We are always stopping by to either visit, sign her out on holidays to spend with family, keep her overnight for special sleepovers with my kids, or take her on every vacation with us. We never go more than 24 hours without one of us making sure she's okay.

Now onto the issue. I have a sister-in-law, Jenny (42F) who had her first child after years of trying. She's become the typical first-time mom who believes she invented motherhood and is openly opinionated about things she believes other parents fall short on.

I mostly ignore her and so does Jimmy. We hosted a BBQ at my house for Labor Day with my father-in-law, mother-in-law, Jenny, her husband, baby, and my kids. Abigail had a planned trip to the zoo and asked if she could go. Of course, we said OK. While we were eating, Jenny turned to me and asked me where Abigail was. Her tone was more accusatory than questioning. I simply didn't want to get into it with Jenny, so I said Abigail wanted to stay at home. Jenny then turned to her husband and said, "See this is why it won't ever happen." My mother-in-law asked Jenny what she was talking about. Jenny, all snarky, said to the whole table, "We did our wills last week and knew these two wouldn't be suitable as guardians of our baby if something happened to us. They placed her sister into a home rather than being real family to her! I won't let that happen to my child." I didn't let it show, but I was extremely hurt she could say this. Instead of yelling, I laughed at her and said, "Well that's great news since I have zero desire to raise your kid." More was said but that's the gist of it. Jenny left with her family calling me nasty names as she walked out. (I might have said a few rude words myself right back at her!)

It's been over a month now and Jimmy is still getting nasty texts from Jenny demanding I apologize. My mother-in-law knows she overstepped with her comment but is asking me to be the bigger person and say sorry to keep the peace.

I refuse. AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ and Jenny is a major jerk. If she had actual concerns she should have talked to you or her brother. And if she had half a brain she would see that sometimes living in a group home is better than with family who don't have the time or resources to properly care for or enrich the life of a person with special needs.

Sounds like you are still involved in Abigail's life and she's happy. That is what's important. Also, if sister-in-law does feel this way, she doesn't need to make it known and do so in such a hurtful and insulting way." friendlily

Another User Comments:

"NTJ you and your husband have been doing everything right in my opinion, what the sister-in-law said was horrible and all you did was agree with what she said, in my opinion, she should be the one apologizing for her behavior.

If your sister is happy where she is and would rather go on the trip then why not let her? She can make her own decisions when it comes to where she wants to spend her time. People with Down Syndrome are just as capable of making decisions as the rest of us, sometimes people just need a little help just like elderly folks. I hope the sister-in-law stops attacking you and your husband that's just disgusting." ItzzZyi420