People Want Cut-And-Dried Answers To Their “Am I The Jerk?” Problems

"I (24) and my partner (26) have been together for four years.

My partner's mom is really difficult. She insists that everything be done her way and doesn’t accept other people’s opinions or plans. Even if you say no multiple times, she will do her own.

The point of the story is that his parents are celebrating their birthdays at the end of the year, and my partner planned a trip to another country. I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want to participate because I want to spend Christmas with my family.

However, I offered to compromise by joining them for three days for his mom’s birthday. He wasn’t happy but reluctantly agreed, although he expressed concerns about explaining it to his mom.

After more discussions, we decided I wouldn’t participate, so I made preliminary plans with my friends for New Year’s Eve, knowing I would be alone.

Now, they’ve changed their plans, deciding to stay in our hometown for Christmas, so my partner believes there’s no reason I can’t join him and his parents.

I told my partner about my plans with my friends, which made him even more upset.

I tried to compromise again, suggesting we organize the trip right after Christmas, celebrate his mom’s birthday with his family, and then I would leave to join my friends for New Year’s Eve. This didn’t make him happy either. He said that while it’s fine if I care about it so much, his parents won’t like it and will make comments, possibly ruining the trip and forcing him to make new plans again because of me.

I can see that my partner is really hurt by my stance, but I feel like if I don’t stand up for myself and what I want, our whole life will be overshadowed by his mom, dictating what we do. I fear he will always say, “You know how she is, nobody can do anything about that.” I feel frustrated because I clearly expressed my feelings about the trip and my relationship with his mom from the start.

I told him I don’t appreciate her behavior anymore and want him to stand up more. We are both very sensitive and easily manipulated, but I’m working on this in therapy. However, it doesn't seem to help when it comes to his mom.

Am I the jerk?"

Another User Comments:

"Here’s some advice from a 40-year-old woman who’s been married to a “boy mom” son for 20 years. Do not cave. She will get over it. You are seeing her son, not her. If your partner loves you, he will understand.

I’m happy you expressed yourself to him honestly. That’s more than I could do and I was under my MIL's thumb for longer than I care to admit. Stand. Your. Ground. You're right on this. NTJ." sick_and_tiired

Another User Comments:

"Seems pretty straightforward for you--carry on with your plan and steer around any drama your in-laws might want to kick up.

Doesn't sound like she's going to change from being a harridan but neither of you has to let it affect your plans. It's ominous, though, that your partner's default is to argue with you until you agree to do whatever Mom wants, even though you say he's in therapy and actually this is a good time for him to practice some fortitude. Maybe it has to be now or never because, when you're being completely reasonable, he's got to show that he's not going to keep caving in. If he doesn't, he's gonna flake on everything and your MIL will be demanding all kinds of things on your wedding, future holidays, kids, etc." skaev0la

Another User Comments:

"NTJ, Be proud of yourself! You know when someone says, “You know how she is” they are asking you to excuse someone else’s bad behavior. In that same ask, they are asking you to continue to not only excuse it but also tolerate it.

They are asking you to put aside your feelings and comfort, they are also disrespecting your right to choose who you associate with. Those are very big asks. What your partner doesn’t seem to understand is that he is not responsible for managing his mother’s feelings. If he doesn’t have the courage to tell the truth, you don’t enjoy being in her company because MIL is so dang picky and bossy, or whatever he needs to say, then that is his problem to figure out. Good luck!" ConfusedAt63