People Come Forward With Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

"I (37F) am pregnant with my first. My husband and I had difficulty conceiving and tried for many years before eventually going with IVF. We were lucky to have success with one round of IVF. We had two chemical pregnancies before this, so we are thrilled. This is my mom's first grandchild. When the topic of family planning first came up three years ago, she said she would happily look after our kid(s) when we go back to work. She is retired and doesn't have many responsibilities beyond her pets, so we were happy to hear this. However, now that we are actually expecting, she is changing her story. She insists she never said that but will agree to watch our baby until he's 6 months old, at which point he will have to go to daycare full-time. I'm annoyed with her for this (this isn't the first time she has said something and denied it), but my husband and I are figuring it out. This past Sunday she was at my house and she mentioned there is a daycare in the building she is moving to, which is on my way to/from work. When I looked into it I saw they open at 8:00, which is problematic because I have to be at work at that time. I told her the only way I could do that is if I dropped him off and she took him. The next day she called me to say she did not want to do that because she just wants to be a fun grandma. I asked for some clarification and she basically said she would help when I first go back to work and then just babysit. I told her in all honesty that for someone who begged for grandkids, she suddenly doesn't seem all that interested in being involved in her grandkid's life. Furthermore, I told her she is taking for granted an opportunity to be a regular presence in her grandchild's life. My in-laws live out of the country and don't visit often, and my dad passed 11 years ago, so she's it for grandparents. Her response was that she never asked me to do IVF. I said you're not nice and hung up on her. She has texted me nonstop that I'm asking too much of her. I'm not responding because I'm at a loss for words here. AITJ for telling her she is taking an opportunity for granted?" Another User Comments: "YTJ - I am sorry that you struggled with infertility and that it took 3 years to conceive. That being said, the conversation you had with your mom was 3 years ago. If you and your husband were counting on her providing years of full-time childcare when you were deciding whether to do IVF, then you should have had another conversation with her at that stage in the process. Because whether the original conversation happened the way that you remember it or the way that she remembers it, it is reasonable that her situation or what she is willing to take on would change over the course of that amount of time. Just because she doesn't have a lot of responsibilities doesn't mean that she is sitting around waiting to provide childcare. She has a whole life of her own. It is also not fair to say that her refusing to provide full-time childcare means that she doesn't want to be a regular presence in your child's life. She can be a regular presence as a grandmother without being a full-time caregiver." Forward_Squirrel8879 Another User Comments: "YTJ. If your mother doesn’t want to look after your child now, maybe because she’s gotten older since she first said she would help, or for any other reason, then you need to respect that. This is your child. You aren’t having your child to please your mother, however much she might have looked forward to being a grandmother. YOU chose to have a child, and have gone to some difficult lengths to do that, so congratulations for that. But this is your child, and she has no obligation to help." mousepallace Another User Comments: "YTJ. You actually expect your mother to care for your child full time until when? 3 years old or 4 or 5? She is retired so you expect her to become a full-grown caregiver? Her life isn’t over and your children aren’t her responsibility. It’s incredibly generous that she’s willing to do this for 6 months. Agreeing to watch your kids when you go back to work doesn’t imply doing so for years and giving up her life for yours. You are asking far too much of her. Then you blackmail her by saying if she doesn’t give up her own life in service to you and raise your kids, she’s not interested in being involved? Beyond YTJ." trishsf