People Just Want To Be Free Of Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

"I (33m) had a very big fight with my parents over the way they speak to and about my wife Raine (32f). The end result of the fight is I asked them how they could be so evil and told them they should reflect on how heartless they are acting but that would require them to have a heart.

Of course, that is a very strong stance, and calling someone evil is extreme. But they have infuriated me and I don't look at them the same anymore. But I want to know if I went too far.

So background: Raine and I met in college and we started out as friends who fell in love over time (2 years).

We got married a year after Raine graduated and we knew we wanted to start a family so we agreed to try before we were 30. We were successful and Raine got pregnant with our daughter Miley.

But we didn't have a happy outcome. When Raine was 8 months pregnant with Miley, her father and brother were involved in a car crash.

Raine's brother lived for 8 days after and her father for 9 and on the 10th day our beautiful Miley was stillborn. I struggled to hold it together but Raine's losses were just unbearable. That time of year is always difficult for Raine. Three losses in three days and she found it hard to come back from that. Those losses are still felt very strongly.

Fast forward a few years and Raine is expecting our son. The somewhat difficult part is he is due around that same time. It's somewhat bittersweet because Miley should be excited about a baby brother, my FIL and BIL should be excited about another baby joining the family, but they're not here.

This is where my family comes in. My mom told Raine that she can now focus on happiness around that time of the year instead of sadness. I told mom she was being insensitive and my mom said Raine needs to decide this will only be a happy time so our son isn't burdened by the losses. Raine told my mom she would still be happy about our son but there'll always be sadness about our losses. My dad's response was to say Raine should keep that to herself and act like it was any other time of the year. My mom agreed with him and said all honors to the dead should be kept private. Raine said that's not how grief works and it's not how love works. I told them it wasn't their decision how we honor or remember those we lost and I warned them to be very careful.

So my parents decided to go for the worst thing they could say and they told Raine she will be a terrible mother to our son and he deserves better, that he deserves to be more important than loss and grief.

I asked Raine to wait for me in the car and it's when the fight with my parents took place. They argued that Raine was being selfish and acting like she was the only person who ever lost anyone. They wanted me to take our (mine and Raine's) son away from her and oh, I still see red when I think about it.

Calling them evil hit a nerve and I was told by my parents and some of my siblings that I took it too far. I'm not sure there's any coming back from this.

AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Grief is very personal and affects people in different ways.

Just because your parents think they would deal with it differently, they have no right to impose that on others. Good for you for standing up to your parents, also on her behalf. I don't think it makes them heartless, but I can understand why you needed to be this extreme...they do not sound like they are open to subtle hints. Hopefully, you will be able to sort things out with them, though, so your son will not have to miss his grandparents. I wish you and your wife all the best." Slayerofdrums

Another User Comments:

"NTJ, and thank you for having your wife's justified feelings at the forefront of your mind.

Your parents have absolutely no right to tell you and your wife how to grieve, and how to bring up your son. Totally off-topic (sorry!), one suggestion about names is not to use either her brother's or father's name as a first name. I know you might want to honor them, but let your son be his own person with his own first name, and honor those special people with middle names if you feel the need. Congratulations on your son, condolences on such difficult losses, and well done for looking out for your family." WatchingTellyNow

Another User Comments:

"First of all, congratulations on your new son!! NTJ. Your parents overstepped. They may feel this way, but it is not their place to tell your wife or you how to grieve or parent. Things got heated, but if you are interested, you can probably repair the relationship and should set some boundaries while you’re at it.  With that being said, if your parents are not the type to usually be this bold, they may have a genuine concern about the mental state of your wife.

If they usually keep their opinions to themselves but are saying they want to take the child from you because they are so concerned about her mental state to take care of him, they may be legitimately worried that it’s not a healthy environment to bring a child into.  Really reflect on what your home environment is like and what it will be like for a child to enter into it. It would be unfair to your son to always come second to his sister." AnonymousPopotamus