People Share The Wildest Excuse They Heard That Ended Up Being True

Making excuses or even coming up with white lies for why we’re late, why we can’t make it, why we never showed up, or why our behavior or appearance seems suspicious is something we’ve all done at least once in our lives. Do people believe us? That likely depends on how often those excuses occur. A first-time offense is usually believable, but there are only so many times you can use heavy traffic or your grandma dying as an excuse to get out of something (or so we thought–one hilarious story here involves a woman having four grandma’s dying in one year). Everyone knows about the boy who cried wolf. If you’ve already made up too many stories about why you’re late, keep coming up with hard-to-believe rebuttals to deflect yet again another accusation or rumor about you, or whatever it is you’re making excuses about, when it comes time that you genuinely have a real excuse, everyone will probably just assume you are lying, unless you can prove it, of course.

In most of these hilarious stories below where people share far-fetched excuses that turn out to be true in the end, proof was indeed necessary for anyone to believe them.

Then again, sometimes a completely ludicrous story is the only thing that would be believable because it’s just too crazy to be made up. If you have a goat, perhaps the goat can eat your homework, and if you get trapped inside a bank as a hostage during an armed robbery, it makes sense that you wouldn’t (really, couldn’t) call to let your bosses know you wouldn’t be making it into work

Imagine that…

“My best friend went on a date.

He puts his number in her phone. She doesn’t call and he forgets about her.

Months later, they run into each other at a bar. He asks why she didn’t call. She was at a picnic and a squirrel stole her phone. He thinks, ok, what a liar. Her friend then shows pictures of the squirrel with the phone. They got married and are still together.

That’s not the only time a squirrel stole from her.” grassisntalways

88. He Was Speeding Because He Had To Poo

“I live, and this happened, in Canada.

This is important for building the scene of a long barren highway, snow on the trees, and a grey straight stretch of road that only gets that grey when it’s so cold the road salt is frozen.

I have colitis. The ulcerative kind. The kind that lets you explode ****** feces and mucus while showering and it washes down the drain like a Sunday morning pee. The kind that is incredibly painful when held in.

I was holding it in when my adventure began.

I was racing home, well over the speed limit at about 150km (100+ mph) trying not to ruin my car’s upholstery. My left leg was pressing so hard on the floor of the car it was trembling. I learned that I can constrict my orifices much better if I use other muscles to cheer them on. I see a terrifying sight ahead.

A lonely prowling police SUV was cruising in front of me.

I normally would have slowed down, and remained well behind the officer. But this time, I had an unholy demon clawing at my insides. It’s fingernails ripping painfully through my engorged intestines. I kept up my speed, as I was a panicked man close to madness.

As expected the police lights came on, and the siren wailed.

This pulled me out of my trance, and into a shocking reality. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket before and I froze. The adrenaline shattered the field of pain, and I was able to pull over and address the situation.

After sheepishly handing over my papers, the officer asked me “Why were you driving so fast?”.
And I replied, “Officer, I’m so sorry; I really have to go to the bathroom.

I have colitis.”

The officer didn’t look impressed and made an offer. “Is that so? If you can go right now in the ditch, I’ll let you go.”

I literally lept at the offer. I scrambled out of the car and exposed my butt to the freezing cold air and nothing. I gave a little push. Nothing. I didn’t understand, but apparently adrenaline and freezing cold can hinder things.

Then it happened immediately following a cough caused by the cold air. My butt was unleashing a steaming foul spray of ***** and feces that would make a zombie flee. It was a horizontal fountain of stench and terror.

I wiped myself with some snow and cleaned up my inner thighs. I looked up to see a genuinely concerned man with a pale look of shock. The officer had removed his hat and while clutching it to his chest, handed me my papers, and let me go.” Throwaway8096_

87. They Really Were Delivering A Snake AT 3 AM

“I used to be a snake and reptile breeder and rescuer.

Well, a friend of mine who was a male exotic dancer had decided to purchase a snake from me. Our schedules rarely matched up, so I offered to go to the city after he was finished work one night, deliver the snake, terrarium, feeders, and help him set it up. No big deal, I’m a night owl, so a 3 am drive is not a big deal for me.

So the night comes and I’m on my way. Out of freaking nowhere, I hear a siren and see lights. I pull to the side, assuming they will fly past me. I wasn’t speeding, no lights out, so I thought nothing of it. Well, I’ll be dammed, he pulls in right behind me. He approaches my van.

POLICE: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No.

POLICE: That was incredibly reckless! You nearly killed me on that lane change!!

I’m thinking, I used my signal but didn’t see anyone else on the road. It’s freaking 3 am!!

Me: What?

POLICE: You nearly killed me!!

Me: What? Where? When? How??!!!

The officer then explains he was in the next lane over and I just about ran him off the road when I changed lanes.

Me: Officer, I’m sorry, but I didn’t see you.

Maybe if you had your headlights on, I would have seen your black car in the next lane.

Officer: *looks back and sees his driver’s on but lack of headlights* Oh, well, where are you going in such a rush? Can I see your papers?

Me: I’m going to deliver a snake to a friend.

Police: At 3 am?

Me: Yup. *proceeds to pull my purse from the passenger seat, pass the officer a tied-off pillow-case from the purse* Can you hold this while I dig for my license, please?

Police: Sur…. *SCREAMING WILDLY AND TOSSES THE PILLOWCASE *What the **** is in there?! It moved!!!

Me: Oh, that’s just the snake I’m delivering.

He went absolutely pale. Ran back to his car and drove off AFTER turning on his headlights. I hopped out, grabbed my snake, and continued on my way.” imnotaloneyouare

Another User Comments:

“Was the snake ok?” Buzzfeed_Titler

Reply:

“She was fine. Thank you for asking. My friend actually still has her.” imnotaloneyouare

86. He Wasn’t Involved In A Crime; He Was Just Peeing

“Australia in the 80s. So my mom and dad were on their 2nd or 3rd date.

They and some friends were walking through the city after pre-drinks to catch a ferry over to a bday party. They pass by a small park and my dad runs in quickly to take a p*ss in a garden (he was already quite drunk).

While walking through the park gates, he notices a woman in a trench coat sitting by herself staring at him. Strange but he ignores it.

He starts taking a p*ss on a tree when a car pulls up and throws a black garbage bag over the park fence towards him. He thinks “Jesus that’s rude, someone chucking their garbage into a park??” He has a closer look at the bag then thinks nothing of it. He zips up and walks back to my mom and gets on the ferry with her.

Next thing he knows there are black police boats speeding towards the ferry. police torches on The ferry from all angles. Police announced over the loudspeaker, “GO BACK TO THE DOCK AND ALL PASSENGERS ARE TO DISEMBARK ONE BY ONE.” My (tipsy) mom and dad are loving the entertainment at this point. The ferry turns around and docks. Cops everywhere at the ferry station. Dozens of them holding shotguns in swat gear, etc.

There may have even been a helicopter overhead?? One by one, passengers disembark as per orders.

The whole entourage gets off, then my dad last. He decides to be a comedian and strut off the gangway with his hands on his head. He hears on a nearby policeman’s radio, “Yup, that’s him with his hands on his head.” Now he finally starts sh*tting bricks.

They cuff him then throw him, mom, and the gang in the back of a police wagon (My mom at this point thinks she may be accidentally dating a serial killer.) They get taken to the station and are questioned for hours.

Pretty soon, the cops realize he’s innocent.

Apparently, the child of some rich Chinese parents had been kidnapped and was being held for ransom. The parents had been told to drop 2 million dollars off to a guy in the botanical gardens in the city (at that exact time); otherwise, the kid was gonna be sleeping with the fishes. 2 MILLION bucks were in that garbage bag.

And the spooky chick at the gate was an undercover cop.

My dad was let go and everyone eventually got to the party a few hours late and had the best story ever to tell when they arrived.

To this day, my dad thanks his lucky stars he never opened up that bag.” Reddit user

85. His Goat’s Kidney Stone Looked A Lot Like An Illegal Substance

Of course a cop isn’t going to know, though.

I mean, he has a criminal justice, not a medical degree.

“Story from a friend of mine

So he and I are both performers for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We travel up and down the west coast doing shows as booked. If you’ve ever seen RHPS, you might have an idea where this is going.

So my buddy, Josh, was going from Seattle to Portland. He himself lives in Greys Harbor County, a much more rural part of Washington.

His family has a few farm animal pets, including a goat. But he wasn’t in Greys Harbor. He was on the interstate which is patrolled by state cops.

Don’t remember why Josh got pulled over, but the officer pulled him over. He was driving a Ford Festiva and he was in half of his costume. Leather pants, black vest, sparkly high heeled boots, glitter in his beard.

A bit weird for a country boy. Officer tells him to get out of the car and go stand by the cruiser.

So now this officer is going through Josh’s luggage and finding heels, fishnets, makeup, a whip, a prop ray gun, and a fanny pack full of $1 bills. Josh’s face was as red as the sequins on his tailcoat. Officer cuffs him and tells him to stand in front of the cruiser.

Josh cooperates.

So the side of the highway is littered with costumes and props and glitter and sequins. The officer is done with his bags and his trunk and searches the floor of the vehicle when he finds a sealed vial with what totally looked like hard *****

Anyone whose seen RHPS, imagine Frank with the “I can explain” scene.

Josh says it isn’t any illegal substance. The rock is a kidney stone that one of his goats passed.

Why he had it, who the **** knows. But he was telling the truth. Of course, the officer doesn’t believe this, poor stupid b*stard.

The officer goes to test it. While he’s there testing the rock on the hood of the cruiser, the officer picks it up with tweezers and is inspecting it real closely. He smelled it. Still waiting for the test results.

THE OFFICER TAPS IT ONTO HIS TONGUE and makes the Mr.

Yuk face. The test results say it isn’t anything illegal. The cop is still gagging while he uncuffs Josh and tells him to get the **** out of here and he drives away before Josh finishes loading his **** back into the car.” Lizaderp

84. The Stuff They Had On Them Looked Bad, But They Really Were Innocent

“My best bud is a personal trainer and we’re both into all kinds of outdoorsy, military gear.

He’s crazy about his knives, I like bushcraft and guns, and we share tips on clothing that holds up to exposure to the outdoors. This means we take the occasional shopping trip together.

He was also PTing one of my lady friends at the time and she’d heard through the nephew of a co-worker that the army surplus store he worked at was about to get a new container of product, which only happens about once a year.

So we all decided to take the day off and use his employee discount to get some sweet gear.

My lady friend picked me up and we swung by the local version of Walmart and I got her a tarp to cover her motorbike since I’d stolen her old one for my truck a few days before as it was way too large for her bike. For whatever reason, she decided to buy herself a bra, and she got some gloves as it’d been cold in the morning.

I grabbed a couple of large plastic containers because I was in the middle of moving and she got some too because she’s a *****’* hoarder (like, actually. I was also helping her get rid of all of her recently deceased mom’s stuff that was blocking every walking space in her house).

After that, we went to pick up my buddy, but he pointed out that we’re running way early; we should go to the local knife/outdoors warehouse and check out the knives.

He was specifically looking to replace some parts on his folding knife. It’s illegal to carry a knife in public without a good excuse in this country, but we figured that getting your knife serviced was reason enough. So we cruise on over and sure enough, there are some godd*mn nice knives. I figure I’m spending money today, so I get a couple of cheap throwing knives (because I’ve never thrown a knife before), and he gets his rather more expensive knife looked at, and cool, they have paracord, so we buy a few meters to help secure the girl’s tarp on her bike.

We’re just walking out with our purchases in bags when the girl gets a call, another co-worker needs the camera lens she has in her car and she’s only about ten blocks away so we arrange to meet her outside of the cafe she’s sitting at and drop off the lens. We drive on over (passing by a police stop where they give us hard stares) and pull up outside the cafe.

Lady runs out, gets the box with the lens in it, and runs back in. We start to drive off to finally go to the surplus store and we’re suddenly surrounded by police cars and being told to turn off the engine.

The cops pull us out and cuff us in front of about a thousand people (it’s midday Friday just off the busiest street in the country, everyone is on their lunch break) and start asking us about knives and wanting to search the car.

The girl hasn’t been cuffed but she’s talking loudly at them demanding to know what’s going on, and a woman cop is threatening to taser her if she doesn’t start complying. All the cops seem really young. While this is going on, unmarked cars pull up and more cops get out with their AR15s.

As you can imagine, we are thinking “what the actual ***.”* I can hear my buddy talking **** to the cops just to wind them up, because clearly, we’ve done nothing wrong.

The cops search the girl’s car and what do you know they find a tarpaulin, underwear, paracord, gloves, knives, and a number of big plastic storage containers with lids. The cops are getting visibly excited.

Before I continue I should describe what we look like. I’m fairly solid and I have a mountain man beard and several big, visible scars from surgery. My buddy is your average 6-foot ex-bodybuilding gym buff and the girl is a typical bogan who always wears black and she’s also quite tall.

By this stage, we’ve told the cops several times that we’re not breaking the law, that we were shopping and just bought the knives and they’re both still in their shrink-wrapped boxes and we have receipts. The station sergeant is on the scene by now and my buddy overhears him telling all the other cops that they’re wasting their time and he walks off angry. The armed cops pack up their stuff and leave laughing and shaking their heads.

Regardless, we all get packed into different cars and driven to the station to be questioned. I’m making small talk along the way and the cops are just looking back at me occasionally with this one look.

By this stage, I’ve asked to call a lawyer and she says not to say anything, don’t answer questions. So we don’t. They keep asking us what we were doing with knives, the tarp, the gloves, the “rope,” the containers, the underwear, etc.

We spend about six hours at the station, five of them in the cells, before giving DNA swabs and being charged with possession of a knife in public and receive a court date. Then they let us go home so we go out to dinner and try to figure out what the **** just happened.

The next day I talk to a lawyer my brother knows and he’s pretty confused as to why we’d be charged.

While the first lawyer we talked to wanted $5k each just to make our first court appearance, this guy says he’ll take care of the whole thing for $1500 each. He’s no back-alley lawyer either, he puts an ex-Queens Counsel from his firm on it. Her boyfriend carries a knife for work all the time, so she’s solidly on our side. She writes to the cops and demands an explanation.

It turns out there was a witness, but the cops hadn’t provided a witness statement other than “I saw some bad guys and called the police.” So the police go back and get a second statement, and it goes like this:

I was driving down the road when I saw these bad guys come out of a place I know to be a knife store. They looked like they were looking for trouble.

I slowed down and stopped to watch them and they got in a black car so I called the police. The police immediately recruited me to help them with the arrest and sent out a black helicopter to follow them and asked me to follow them as well, so I tailed the car through the streets. They tried to lose me several times and drove evasively until finally the cops blocked them and arrested them.”

This was pure insanity.

No ***,* black vehicles featured multiple times in it. Now we know why the cops were reluctant to take a second statement. My lawyer came to court and showed it to the police prosecutor on our second hearing and all of the charges were withdrawn.

So for the low, low price of $1,500, I now know how the court system works, how the police work, and what to do in that situation.

We could have gone for costs because of the wrongful arrest, but we decided to leave it at that and not stir up anything else. Everyone we know thought we were bada** and now we have a good story to tell.” antidamage

83. Nobody Believed His Crazy Story At First

“I was friends with some cops while I was a college student and they’ve had some interesting stories, one of which involved some mutual friends.

One of them stopped by the 7-11 a friend of mine was at around 1 am. Let’s call him Matt, my friend Sal, and the clerk on duty Ed. All of them I considered my friends at the time.

Matt was a little surprised to see Sak outside the 7-11 leaning on the bike post for support. He initially thought he was drunk, what happened was basically along these lines:

Matt: “Hey Sal, isn’t it a bit early in the week to be drinking?”

Sal: “Hey Matt, this guy pulled a knife trying to rob the place and stabbed me, Ed and I beat the **** out of him and has him locked up inside.

Told me not to move and he’s trying to get some bandages here.”

Matt laughed it off at first, he knew full well Sal wasn’t much of a drinker and probably thought he was making some excuse, so he walked on in.

Once he got in, Matt’s laughter disappeared when he saw an unconscious man on the floor with Ed on his way out with some first aid supplies.

Ed: “Matt?! Holy **** man, get an ambulance and arrest this guy; this crazy ****** pulled a knife trying to rob us and stabbed Sal a bunch.”

Matt turned around and in the light of the store got a better look and saw Sal was indeed covered in ***** and was barely standing not because he was drunk, but because the adrenaline was probably all that was keeping him up despite the shock of the attack and the ***** loss.

Well, Matt quickly called in for EMS to rush Sal to the hospital and helped Ed try to patch Sal up the best he could until they showed and arrested the would-be robber. Apparently, Sal finally passed out from ***** loss seconds after the EMS showed up.

Sal spent the next few days in the hospital but recovered completely. When I visited him, he claims didn’t even realize he was stabbed and bleeding to death until Ed pointed it out and told him to stand still.” ZCYCs

82. It Only Looked Like A Sketchy Transaction

“This story is a friend’s, but it’s too good not to share.

For context, my friend (Joe, for storytelling purposes) is about as straight-laced as they come. Works IT three days a week, and is an awesome husband/dad in his time off. He also runs a photography business as a side hustle and has been fairly successful (photographing famous athletes and musicians, etc.), but is still willing to drop everything to help a friend. Just an all-around good guy who you’d never expect to see on the wrong side of the law.

As I mentioned, Joe works as a photographer and does some film as well. He had been asked to help with filming interviews for a documentary about the lives of exotic dancers/strippers. This isn’t the type of thing he would normally do, but he and his wife were okay with it because the documentary really promoted safety and good decision making for women in the industry.

As I recall, the project was being directed by one of the older models at the strip club, because she wanted to share her perspective and advice with the younger models. Long and short, he met at the strip club, helped film some interviews, and said he’d call the director back to meet with the edited footage in a few days. Fairly straight forward shoot.

Joe finishes up the edits and puts everything together (some printed still shots, memory cards of the footage, and a bit of paperwork he had to fill out) into a paper bag.

He calls up and the director and asks where she’d like to meet. She was busy, so he could make arrangements to meet one of the younger dancers after she got off of work. Joe contacted the younger woman and she suggested a parking lot near his home that was on her way home from work. Joe somehow doesn’t realize how sketchy this sounds and agrees.

So, later the next evening (I think it was around 11:00) Joe rolls up to the parking lot and meets the young woman (I believe she was in her early 20s, he is in his mid-30s). He hands her the paper bag, she hands him an envelope with his check in it, and they both get back into their cars. It was an efficient transaction and Joe was excited to get home.

Unfortunately for him, they didn’t even make it out of the parking lot before they were surrounded by police. As it turns out, that parking lot was well known for being a place where gang members would exchange *****, because it was near a quick on/off for the freeway. The cops saw Joe accepting payment for an unmarked paper bag and assumed they were about to make a big bust.

Apparently, they were not at all amused by his explanation for what was going on, and the semi-erotic nature of the film he was working on certainly didn’t help his case.

After a few phone calls and a search of Joe’s car, the cops let him go. They told him he was an idiot and the next time he wanted to get a client their footage, he should just mail them a flash drive.

Or, at the very least, meet in literally ANY OTHER PARKING LOT in the entire city.” nava271

81. He Was Looking For A Guy In Another Rusty Purple Car

What are the odds?

“My dad is a retired police officer. At the time of this story, his personal car was a Dodge Dart. To set the scene, you have to understand what this ugly car looked like. It had a black, hard shell top and was the color of… well… what can best be described as “rusty purple.” It was the most hideous car, and we’d never seen it’s equal.

But it was a car and it was (usually) reliable.

So my dad is driving home from work one evening. He still has his uniform on but has a button-up shirt over the uniform.

A detour sign on an overpass has my father drive through a neighborhood to get to the highway. As he rolls up to a stop sign, his car stalls.

All of a sudden, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a guy running full speed at him with a huge lead pipe over his head.

My dad instinctively reaches for his weapon. Problem is: the seatbelt is in the way. He fumbles at the seatbelt as the guy is a few feet away.

Just as the guy is about to swing the pipe, he stops. He looks closer at my dad and says “Oh. Sorry. Wrong guy.”

…

My dad thinks, “No ***,* wrong guy!”

As the guy turns to walk away, my father jumps out of his car and identifies himself as a police officer.

My father is concerned about why he was targeted. Is this guy targeting cops? Is he just waiting for people to stop at the stop sign? Is he a psychopath? What the ****??!!!?

The guy drops the lead pipe and starts apologizing. Lead pipe guy says he was waiting to beat the **** out of a guy who is having *** with lead pipe guy’s girlfriend. He heard that the guy drives a purple Dodge Dart.

My dad is not buying it. In the 10 years that he has owned this used car, he’s never seen another Dodge Dart in this ***y ********rusty purple color.

He reads lead pipe guy his rights and calls for back-up since, well, my dad can’t drive him back to headquarters in a stalled car.

A patrol car arrives and as my dad is putting lead pipe guy into the car, lead pipe guy yells: “THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!”

Sure enough, slowly driving down the road is the doppelgänger of my father’s car: a Dodge Dart in the same ***y rusty purple.

The only difference? This Dodge Dart has a white s**** top, instead of my dad’s car that has a black s**** top. My dad can’t believe it.

They pull over the car and inside the car is an arsenal of guns. He was coming to “take care” of lead pipe guy. They arrest him too.

My father never saw another Dodge Dart in that color for the rest of the years that he owned that car.” Krissyeeen

80. Just Got Done Fighting? No, He’s Shaking Because He Has Parkinson’s

“During the summer, the mall is usually pretty dead.

When I worked at this place it was in a city that had a top 10 crime rate, so enough to keep us on our toes, but by this point, I hadn’t had to respond to anything in about six months. No fights, no shoplifters… just… walking in a circle seeing who could get the most steps in on their pedometer for the day. I was due to be on exterior patrol and ride around in the mall-cop favorite Ford Escape.

I’m supposed to drive five miles every hour in “patrol” so I usually just drove in circles as soon as I was in there till I hit 10 miles then put it in park and play on my phone.

As soon as I fini***he 10 miles, I put it in park and decide to throw in a dip and watch some Futurama on my phone using the theater’s wifi.

About two minutes in, I get a call saying there’s a fight going on. I throw it into gear and find a corridor to go through and realize I still had my dip in and threw it out, sticking it to a Macy’s delivery truck. Whoops. Anyway, now I’m p*ssed my relaxation and Futurama has been ruined. I run inside and people are pointing to the guys who had been fighting.

I take one guy and point at the other group and let my partner know who the other combatant was and I begin talking to this guy finding out *** is going on. I’m in a bad mood so I decide for once I’m going to be a *** instead of the guy who soothes things out.

Me: “What the **** is so important we have to be fighting right now? Don’t you have better things to be doing than fighting in a mall?”

Other guy: “Man, I wasn’t fighting, I don’t know who told you that!”

Me: “Your hands are literally shaking right now.

That happens when you have a bunch of adrenaline running through your system, dumba**. Don’t give me this ******* or I’ll call the cops and have you arrested.”

Other guy: “Man, my hands are shaking because I got that Parkinson’s ***.”

Me: “That has got to be the stupidest ****** excuse I have ever heard. What a crock of ***. You must think I’m an idiot. You’re coming with me.”

So I escort him back to one of our rooms.

Now, I have no authority to actually search someone but I asked if I could pat him down for my protection and he agreed. I’m just looking for a reason to get this guy in jail and as I’m patting him down I feel a bottle in his pants and ask him to take it out. He complies and I think I’m about to hit the jackpot… until I read the bottle: “Take 3 pills twice daily for tremors.”

Oh.

***.

Me: “Listen, I don’t ever say this, but I’m sorry. I was a little harsh in my language with you and for that, I apologize, but I need to know what happened.”

Well, the other guy confessed he was fighting the other guy, all over some BS he said about the guy’s girlfriend. I didn’t call the cops and told him not to come back for a few weeks and apologized again.

He was pretty chill, accepted my apology, and even shook my hand and thanked me. He thought it was some racism trip that I was on and was worried he was going to go to jail.

I was a little more receptive after that…” Mal_funk_shun

79. He Had Metal, Not *****

“So, I have an immense interest in science and, before doing IT, I took classes to become a chemical engineer, periodic table shower curtain, the whole 9 yards.

I bought Gallium online because it is safe and also super amazing. It melts at body temperature. This is a metal that you can cool and make a metal spoon in a mold with and then melt in hot water. Super cool right?

Well, It was in my glove box and I was in a town known for ***** and also for drunkies. It was late and I was exhausted, as I had just finished a 13 hour day as a chef, went out to get a beer, had one drink at a bar next to the gas station where I picked up a 30 rack for the next 2 weeks, so I don’t need to pay bar prices, etc.

It was like 11:30 on a Friday night.

I get pulled over and the cops think I am drunk because I am red-eyed and tired as ***. They ask me if I had a drink and I said: I had one beer about 38 minutes ago, but I worked a 13 hour day. I am however functional and on my way home, 3 blocks from here. They get me out of the car and do a field test.

I ace the field test. They search my car and find the Gallium, which has melted (unknown to me) in my glove box, covering a bunch of things, including a mechanical pencil that I have had in there for years. They hold this plasic bag, filled with melted Gallium and pieces of a mechanical pencil and just… look at me.

“Officer…I know what this looks like. I am in school as a chemical engineer, and that is Gallium.

If you were to google Gallium and watch the video of the melting spoon, you will understand that, due to the heat of the day, this substance which looks sketchy and like metal, melted into that mechanical pencil but is actually both safe and super cool. Unfortunately, I had it in my glove box, and you pulled me over.”

The police officers disappear into their car while I stand with my hands on the driver side door for…about the time it takes to watch a youtube video of the melting spoon.

And they get out, laughing, and say: have a good night.

I hope I brought them joy when this situation scared them from the beginning.” JohnRossOneAndOnly

78. They Don’t Drink; They Just Had Ice Cream Spill In Their Car

“I didn’t drink alcohol at all until I was like 25. Zero. Never.

I was 18, and some friends and I went out to Brewster’s ice cream for…well, ice cream. My friend, David, got like a whole pint of rum raisin and ended up somehow spilling like all of it in the backseat floorboard.

It had this really pungent awful imitation rum scent that just filled the car. I thought, whatever, I’ll clean it out tomorrow.

After I dropped him off at his place at like midnight, I started the 30-minute drive back home. One of my headlights was out, and a cop ended up pulling me over in the parking lot of a Holiday Inn. When I rolled the window down the smell must have hit him in the face and he immediately asked how many drinks I’d had.

I told him the truth, that I hadn’t had anything to drink, like ever.

He told me he could smell it on me. And again I told him the truth, that my friend had spilled a bunch of rum raisin ice cream in my car, knowing this sounded like the stupidest, most ******* excuse for the smell of alcohol.

He didn’t even respond, just hit the button on his shoulder-mounted radio mic and said, “We got a [insert offense number] here; he’s denying it…”, and told me to get out of the car.

He didn’t have a breathalyzer, so he did a field sobriety test on me: having me touch my nose with eyes closed, walk a straight line, say the alphabet backward, etc. In the middle of this, a crowd of like eighty suit-and-gown-wearing people spill out of the front doors of the Holiday Inn and when they see me getting field-tested they all just stand there and watch.

I passed the test fine, of course, cause I was stone sober.

But that didn’t convince the cop. He called for someone to bring him a breathalyzer and we stand there awkwardly for like 20-30 minutes, waiting.

Car shows up, and I tell the new guy “I know this sounds like *******, but this is all over some rum raisin ice cream; I don’t drink.” Eye rolls.

I take the breathalyzer, and pass, of course.

But this doesn’t convince them. The breathalyzer must be wrong. So they call for another cop to bring a breathalyzer.

Again, wait half an hour, and the cop shows up with two breathalyzers. There are now three cop cars blocking me into this Holiday Inn parking lot, and it must look to all our spectators like I’m in some serious ***.

At this point, I’ve gotten cocky, and I’m telling the cops *** like, “Watch this.

I bet you any amount of money that the reading on the next breathalyzer will be dead zero. How much do you want to bet me?” That annoys them, as it should have.

But anyway, I kill it with the other two breathalyzers, to the cops’ astonishment. At that point, they decide they have to just buy my ******* story. But they end up (somehow?) writing me like three different tickets, all with different charges, for having my headlight out.

I think just to get me for something after kind of embarrassing them with my evidently true ******* story.” syc0rax

77. They’re Not A Drug Dealer, Just A Pharmacist

“Australian here.

We have this thing where police close off roads to do breath tests and drug testing. Super normal and stuff. Anyway, I was on my way back from work and was doing a detour to a sister pharmacy.

I was transferring some stock.

I get pulled over, so a random breath test, pass with flying colors naturally, and then came the big question.

“Do you have any ***** in here?”

I had never been asking that before, but it is a pretty dodgy area I’m in. I look at the pile of stock next to my seat and looked back at the officer and awkwardly said, “Maybe?”

I have to drive forward and off to the side.

2 more officers come over once I’m parked and ask, “What ***** do you have in your possession?”

I felt really dumb and embarrassed here. I told them in a frantic voice, “I’m on my way back from work. I work in a pharmacy. I’m transferring some stock to this other pharmacy and I don’t really know what I have in that box in the seat.”

The officers kept a straight face, but I can kind of tell that they were thinking that I was full of it.

They open the box of stock and the first they see is a large packet of incontinent pads. And then toothbrushes and some pain killers and then, oh ***, benzos. They sell on the street for a good amount and, of course, they were riiiight at the bottom as if I was trying to hide it. Also, there were some cancer medications and what not.

I showed them the invoice and they had to call my pharmacy first.

Big surprise, they were close. They call my boss who casually greeted me with screaming kids in the background on the phone and tried to reassure the officers who were talking to him that it was a legit transfer.

Lastly, they called the pharmacy I was on my way to. The pharmacist in charge was new and also had a strong accent. Eventually, I don’t know what happened but they got the right amount of verbal confirmation as well as the invoice and decided to dismiss me.

As stressful as it all was, I sit back in the car ready to go when one of the officers comes to my window with a big a** grin and tells me, “Remember to take good care of them pads.” All but the incontinence pads were packed away and I smiled and put the seat belt over it. The man laughed and I drove off to the pharmacy.” BaconSyrop

76. He Got Distracted By A Man Pushing Weiner Dogs In A Stroller

“In high school some of my buddies sold the special green plant.

Driving around in a car with a scale, baggies, and 2-4oz at any given time. One day T and E decided to go to a really good taco stand for lunch in between deliveries.

E is driving. They’re making their way downtown when E starts laughing.

E- “Did you see that?” T- “No, what?” E- “I’ll turn around, you gotta see this.” T- “Dude, don’t get us pulled over, ***, chill.”

E makes a u-turn and turns down a street.

Nothing there so he stops in front of a random house to look around.

T- “*** was it? Just drive…” E- “I just saw a dude. Pushing a stroller… WITH TWO WEINER DOGS IN IT!” T- “You’re ********.”

As soon as E started driving again, a cop car pulls up behind them and lights them up.

Cop 1- “What’re you guys doing?” E- (panicking a bit) “I saw a guy pushing a stroller with weiner dogs in it and had to show my frie-” Cop 2- “How come you’re parked in front of this known trap house and your car smells like dope?” T- silence E- “This guy with a stroller and-” Cops- “Get out of the car.”

The car gets searched, they find all the ***.

As they’re getting loaded into the back of the cop car all handcuffed up, Cop 2 just stops.

Cop 2- “hey cop 1, look at that!” Cop 1- “…no ***…”

Everyone looks up at this old guy pushing a stroller with his two weiner dogs poking their heads out. Cops burst out laughing.

They both got charged with possession/trafficking.

Good times.” Reddit user

75. Their Only Good Eye Was Having A Health Issue

“This is coming from me as the employee.

I was back home from college for winter break and went back to work at my part-time job. I had worked a few days already and had made a good impression on the new GM.

So I end up working a closing shift (3-11 PM) on a Thursday night and am scheduled to open (6 AM) the next morning. At about 8:30 PM during my Thursday shift, my eye starts to feel extremely irritated.

I wear a contact in my right eye so I assume my eye must just be dry. I finish work, head home, take out my contact and my eye looks super nasty and red. I put some eye drops in the provide some relief and go to bed.

The next morning, I wake up unable to open my right eye. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the light only to find that it’s extremely light-sensitive.

Now, a bit of background. I’m completely blind in my left eye (due to cataract surgery and having no lens in my eye) and have terrible vision in my right. A few months earlier, I experienced an abrasion on my right eye that was fairly serious. Given that I cannot fall back on my left eye if I were to go blind, this second abrasion thoroughly scared the *** out of me.

I call my manager at 5:30 and tell him that I’m pretty sure I have an abrasion on my one good eye, that I’m basically blind as a bat and would be less than useless at work. His response: “Well, come in and we’ll try and find something for you to do.” I tell my mom this and she agrees to drive me to work. Halfway there, my eye begins to water uncontrollably and I know I can’t work.

So I stumble inside and find him in the back. He takes one look at my eye and goes, “Oh man, are you okay?” After asking if I would be willing to stay to clean the dining room, I say the words no manager in food service wants to hear: “I think it’s pink eye.” He immediately says “You need to leave,” and sends me home.

A few hours later I’m in the doctor’s office and am told it was lucky I came as soon as I did considering the abrasion fairly deep and serious.” pfootie

74. Their Mother Was Dying

“I was at work one day when my husband called me and said, “You need to come home, now!” The sound of his voice scared me, so I told my manager that something was wrong at home and I needed to leave.

She seemed concerned, so she let me leave early and before I could get out to my car, my husband was in the parking lot waiting for me.

I get out there to see what’s wrong and he just gives me this teary, terrified look. “She’s dead isn’t she?” I said in reference to my ailing mother. “She’s dying… they have her hooked up, but they need your approval to cut her off.

Your dad panicked and ran out of the hospital and your brother hasn’t gotten there yet. He’s on a plane right now.”

I started laughing because seriously what else do you do when you are standing in the parking lot of your work and your Mother is knocking on death’s door, and you get to pull that plug with a phone call from 7,000 miles away?

So I went home and made some calls.

Turns out they had injected her with so much adrenaline to get her heart restarted, so she wouldn’t die. The doctors were dumbfounded. It took her roughly 6 hours to die from an injection that should have worn off in 30 minutes.

Once I had figured out that I would definitely be flying home and not coming to work tomorrow, I drove back up to work and told my manager, “My mom is uhm.. dying.

I have to fly home.” She just stared at me in abject horror. Two of my coworkers burst into tears and stared at me. I smiled and said, “It’s OK, she was in a lot of pain. I don’t know when I’m going to back though. I will try to get my shifts covered if you need me to.” Still, silence, as if they had lost the ability to talk.

Finally, another manager walked up and figured out what was going on and said, “No, it’s OK; we have it under control. You can go home.”

When I came back a month later, no one knew how to talk to me. When I walked into work that first day, everyone burst into tears again. Seriously, consoling people over the death of your own mother is one of the most insane brain ****.” 1nekosan2

73. Their Kitten Barricaded Them In The Bathroom

Kittens will be kittens.

“One morning, I was running a little late for work – not much, but overslept by about 10-15 minutes.

My husband was just leaving for work – and I kissed him goodbye. As he was walking out to his car to leave for work – I hopped in the shower.

After my quick shower, I dried off and tried to open the bathroom door. “What the ****? The door won’t open!” I realized that our newest addition to our family: little kitten (14 weeks) had tried to jump up on the bathroom vanity to get to our other cat who was sitting in the sink.

As the little kitten tried to jump up on the counter – he must have pulled out the drawer in the vanity. The drawer was sticking out to prevent the door to the shower/toilet to open.

I was stuck.

I was p*ssed.

I swore obscenities out loud – loud enough for our neighbors to hear. “You have got to be kidding me!” “What the f*ck is this?”

So…I assessed the situation after my aggression was said out loud to…no one.

Where was my phone? O…that’s right – sitting on the bathroom vanity. I couldn’t call anyone to let me out.

Should I just sit here wet and naked until my husband gets home from work? Hmmm…that’s 8 hours away and I have appointments/clients later on in the day.

What do I do?

I looked around the bathroom for anything that I could wedge in between the 1-inch crack to try and get the drawer closed.

Nothing. Only shampoo bottles and toilet paper. “***!”

After my level-headed assessment of the situation – I did what any normal human being would do…I started forcefully pushing/banging the door against the drawer – hoping something would give.

I started to hear the door crack. Hmmm…”This door is made out of composite wood! Thank God we live in a crappy apartment that doesn’t have solid wood doors!”

I pushed and banged against the door to the point of bruises.

Keep in mind – throughout this entire ordeal – I was naked and wet!

Finally – after enough pushing and banging – I cracked the cheap composite “wood” door enough to crack through to the other side.

So I get my fingers under and start pulling. I finally pulled a piece off the door.

VICTORY!!

WAIT! I need to get a piece pulled away from the other side of the door!

So – I start banging again.

I got the composite off – a smaller piece – and I was able to see through our door.

I was looking through the hole – at the new piece of *** kitty – who was sitting on the other side of the door wondering what the **** was going on.

I close the door – and got my fingers through the hole to close the drawer that barricaded me in the bathroom – wet and naked.

So, needless to say, I was 30-45 minutes later than usual for work. Praise God I didn’t have any immediate appointments/clients!” jokywade

72. They Were Having Some Serous Toilet Troubles

“My own excuse:

It was my first day at a new job, and for some reason, I was having excruciating stomach pains alongside feeling like I need to *** really badly. I went to the restroom, spent a good 30 minutes in there trying to ***, but nothing would happen.

I would give up and no sooner make it to the door when it would hit me again and I’d turn around and try again.

After what had to be 1.5-2 hours of me being in the restroom in ungodly pain, my boss comes in and asks me if I’m ok. I was embarrassed but had no choice but to explain. He told me I should just go home and come back tomorrow.

I left, bought some Miralax, and went home to hopefully take the greatest *** of my life – but that didn’t happen.

Hours later the pain gets worse and I have no choice but to go to the ER. Turns out I have a severe impaction the size of a softball. This was likely caused by my eating habits at the time, as I was going to the gym regularly and eating massive, high calorie, high protein meals every day trying to gain weight.

I ended up staying there for 3 days before they “fixed” me, with methods I refuse to admit happened.  Almost had to have surgery.

My employer was reluctant to keep me, but after numerous doctor notes they kept me and I stayed for the next 6 years.” Reddit user

71. The Rumors Didn’t Add Up

“Guy called in to say he wouldn’t be in as he was in the hospital.

Details were scarce but another co-worker spoke to him and said he had been attacked.

The next day the guy’s brother calls and says he won’t be in for a few days as he’s in jail. Rumors start flying.

See in the police blotter a few days later that he was arrested for domestic assault, beating his girlfriend.

He comes in about a week later and his forearms are bandaged and he has a huge stitched-up gash on his forehead.

Turns out his girlfriend went crazy, ripped the phone out of the wall (this was years ago, a real phone with a cord and everything) beat him in the head with his, and attacked him with a knife. Police showed up and arrested him after she said he ripped the phone out of the wall after she tried to call 911.

Guy was eventually exonerated thanks to his neighbors and something about the knife wounds.” Fuqwon

Another User Comments:

“I hope she gets extra time for lying about being abused.

It’s horrible when domestic abuse reports are true but really irritating when the girl is just hiding behind the accusation to delay justice.” eagravante

70. They Were All Late Because Their Co-Worker Was Up To No Good

“Was a manager at a call center a few years back. So one day we had something like seven employees all show up late to work for the morning shift. Being that they all walked in together and they were all younger guys I initially assumed they had been goofing around before work and figured that by coming in together the punishment would be less severe on them as a group.

So I call them into a training room and bring in another manager and a girl from the office to serve as witnesses as per company policy.

“So which one of you wants to tell me why all of you are strolling in here almost an hour late?” I ask, in my stern manager voice.

“It ain’t our fault! We was on the bus with Percy and he got inappropriate with a minor and the cops got called and the bus pulled over and we had to end up walking the rest of the way here because we didn’t even know if they was going to send another bus,” answers one of the group.

Now I’m sitting here dumbfounded and trying to make some logical sense of what I have just been told when the other manager leans over and discretely says to me.

“They are probably telling the truth. These guys are all living in a halfway house as part of a prison release program. That’s why they all ride the bus together.”

Then the admin girl turns to me and says, “Yeah, and that Percy is nasty.”

So I immediately dismiss them and tell them to get back to work.

Talk to the office recruiters and verify that, yes, we do a lot of recruiting for our office at halfway houses. The next day everyone in the office is talking about how Percy was on the news last night for getting arrested for lewd contact involving a minor.” Bones11B

69. They Just So Happened To Have The Same First, Middle, And Last Name

“Teacher here.

After a while, you start to have an instinct for which offbeat excuses are true or not, because the true ones don’t seem like something someone could make up quickly.

It’s the simple cognitive processing time. Or, the excuse is simply too easy to check.

My favorite excuse happened to me. While in high school, one day I got called to the principal’s office.

He demanded, “Why did you skip Phys. Ed. last Friday?”

I looked at him. “Sir, I don’t take Phys. Ed. this year.”

He waved a card at me. “Your name is u/coffeeinvenice isn’t it? It says you are in Phys.

Ed. and you skipped last Friday.”

“Sir, you do know there are two u/coffeeinvenice s (full first, middle and last names the same) at this school, right?”

He looked at me skeptically, but I sounded so sure of myself that he let me go. The next day, I was walking in the hallway and I saw him. He glanced at me and looked away sheepishly.

Now, this other u/coffeeinvenice was going out with the school’s social butterfly.

Think Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club.

I was a nerdy, bookish kid in high school. Not the athletic or virile type. A few months later, rumors suddenly started flying all over the school that u/coffeeinvenice got u/thebreakfastclubmollyringwald pregnant.

I had no idea this was going on. I walked into school that morning, and everyone – teachers and students – stared at me like they just found out I was the real Spiderman.

Then somebody called my parents.

I had some explaining to do when I got home that day.” coffeeinvenice

68. The Student Really Was Floating Around In A Giant Balloon

Does this story sound familiar to anybody?

“Not a teacher but I’ll never forget my excuse on October 15, 2009.

I attended an all-boys Jesuit high school in Colorado. I say that because there are some teachers that would insult us, joke with us, and all that stuff in a good-nature that guys do with each other.

October 15 I show up at my Theology class sophomore year around noon or so and walk in about an hour late to class. This teacher was notorious for teasing students and was held in high esteem by almost every student.

He joked at me about why I was late “Oh look at this. He is an hour late and only in record time to style his wavy hair.” Stuff like that.

After a few and some laughs I responded with, there’s a boy who accidentally trapped himself in a giant weather-balloon and is floating thousands of feet above FoCo (Fort Collins).

The teacher laughed and said “that is the wildest excuse I’ve ever heard” and then said if I was lying I would receive 3 demerits.

Sure enough a few minutes later, “Oh my god! There’s a kid in a freaking balloon!”

And we ended up stopping the planned discussion and live-streamed the news by a projector with another class.

Fun stuff.” MHE17

67. He Wasn’t Drinking; He Was Recycling

“Former Park Ranger.

The first week on the job we pull up and see a couple of kids smoking in their car with the windows down. The city has an ordinance against smoking on park property, but it is too petty to give them a ticket.

We approach the car and they are visibly nervous. My FTO looks through the windows and sees a couple of beer cans in the car.

Bingo.

We get them out and start running their info, they are all underage but old enough to smoke cigarettes. My FTO asks them where the beer came from- the driver says he recycles. FTO laughs and begins to search the car.

I’m finishing up running their info, and these guys are being really respectful. FTO finishes searching the cab and goes to open the trunk. All a sudden, I hear him bust out laughing.

He is laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

He waves me over to look at the trunk of the car and it is level with crushed cans and bottles.

My FTO said that he has heard that excuse for 20 years and this is the first time it was true. He walked up, uncuffed the driver, and let him go.” Source

66. He Was Just Embarrassed To Admit His Wife Was Assaulting Him

“Was doing a tour as an MP (not my normal job, but whole other story), and we got called on a domestic.

At the house, there is this huge corn-fed guy about 6’4″ and 275, and a petite Asian girl about 4″10″ and 95 pounds soaking wet. The whole house was in disarray, and the call had come because of yelling heard by the neighbors.

She was crying and talking in an Asian language that none of us understood and kept gesturing toward her huge husband. He wasn’t talking.

We wrap him up, take him to the station, and are trying to interview him, but he’s not saying much. We intend to charge him with domestic assault. We notice somewhere along the way that he has horrible welts all along the backs of his hands and along his forearms.

It took a lot of prying, but we finally got out of him that his wife would beat him with wire coat hangers when she was mad, and apparently, that was pretty often.

He was too embarrassed to admit to anybody that he was being abused by his wife who was less than a third of his size. We finally got it straightened out, turned her over to the local police, and barred her from the base. Hopefully the guy got the help he needed.” Source

65. The Only Excuse The Professor Would Accept Actually Happened

“When I was in college, my psych professor told us that the only excuse for being late was a funeral procession.

Any other reason, you wouldn’t be allowed to come in.

A few weeks into the semester, I was headed from one building to another, which involved crossing the main road. Lo and behold, there was one very long funeral procession going by. I got a short video of it as proof, then stood on the sidewalk to let it go by.

Unfortunately, the procession made me five minutes late to class.

I knocked on the door, and the professor came over to start to tell me off. I showed her the video.

“Well I’ll be ******, c’mon in.””

64. The Bus Went Up In Flames

Hey, it happens.

“I was one of about 20 kids who were late to school. We showed up at the school office as a group and when questioned why we were late, we said “The school bus blew up.”

They questioned, “So the engine blew up”

The kids “No, the whole bus, in flames.

It blew up.”

There was much discussion between the teachers, all of them thinking we embellished the story. Next thing you know, one of the admin staff has the news website open, very obvious image of an entire bus on fire with a bunch of kids in our school uniform standing in front of it. Our late slip for class read, “School bus blew up.” Source

63. It Really Was Just A Bag Of Catnip

“I was driving with my fiancé and we went through a roadblock where they checked registration and ***, and we get to the cops and they ask for our registration.

I’m sitting in the passenger seat, so I open up the glovebox and right there is a clear, unmarked baggie filled to the brim with catnip. I completely forgot it was there and just froze. Wide-eyed, I turned to look at the cop shining his light through my open window and he’s frozen too, just staring at the baggie with this look on his face like “really?”

I just started immediately professing, “Omg, I swear to God this is catnip; you can take it and smell it or test it or whatever, like I swear.” And at this point, it’s just so ridiculous that I start cracking up, and the cop takes it and reasonably deduces I’m telling the truth, and he starts laughing and calls his partner over and tells her what happened and they both just cackled away for a minute and sent us on our way.” alexsangthat

Another User Comments:

“Cat *****.

Good thing they weren’t cat cops.” FeatheredSun

Reply:

“You mean Claw Enforcement?” alexsangthat

Reply:

“”Purrtect and Serve”” BassAddictJ

62. The Dude Was Just Trying To Make Some Money

“One night I’m out working, and as I go down the street (fairly nice middle-class area surrounded by some high crime neighborhoods) around midnight I see a dude on a bike, no lights on, pulling a lawnmower behind him on a rope.

I immediately flip a 180 and light him up.

Recognize the guy as a local homeless dude with some prior burglary/theft arrests. I walk up and just open with “Dude, come on…”

Guy holds his hands out and swears he didn’t steal the lawnmower. Claims someone just gave it to him. I ask who, and he doesn’t know a name. So I demand he tell me where to find said lawnmower owner. The directions he gave were literally “go that way a bit, then right at a stop sign, and take one of those side streets that way.

It’s about halfway down a street, at a house that has a pickup and a car in the driveway.”

By this point backup had arrived, so I leave him in the presence of backup, and drive off in search of his mythical donor of lawn equipment. I made a decent guess as to the first turn, then flipped a mental coin as to which of the next three side streets he would have gone down.

I pick the second of the three streets and start down it. Every other ****** house has a truck and car combo…there must have been a dozen houses that matched the description.

Halfway down, I see an average looking house and go, “Ehh, I’ll try this one.” After all, it’s midnight and this is a wild goose chase. Go up, ring the doorbell…middle-aged dude comes to the door.

“Hello sir, have you been giving away lawnmowers to random sketchy homeless guys at midnight today?”

Yes. As a matter of fact, he had. The homeowner goes on to complain to me that his wife was upset about his continual inability to get the mower running and had ordered him with some severity to remove the mower from the house or face the consequences. He pushed it to the curb right as a homeless guy rode by, and the latter had asked and received his permission to take it.

I drove back in shock and amazement. Apologized to the homeless guy and sent him on his way. A few months later, we ran into each other at a nearby gas station, and he told me it turned out just to need a new spark plug and that he had gotten it running again before going on to sell it for $150 to someone.

For years after, whenever I would run into him, he would always make sure to remind me of the money he made from selling that “stolen” lawnmower…LOL.” ArbiterOfTruth

61. He Wasn’t Dealing, Just Trying To Deal With His Anxiety

“Popped a college kid for sh*tty driving and pulled a hundred grams of the special green plant off of him.

Also, a 1lb glass pipe shaped like a huge nail. No biggie. Also, found the green stuff under the other college kids in the car. The driver falls on the sword and tells me all of it is his and lets his friends walk free. I like this kid.

However, during the search, we find packaged prescription ***** in the cellophane of a cigarette pack with the top melted closed.

Ask the kid if he’s dealing at school. Tell him I’m aware of the prescription pill epidemic. He says no and spins a huge yarn about how he only carries a few on him because he’s had his orange pill bottle stolen so many times. The kid seems like a pretty good dude. I decided to take the x-files approach. The supervisor tells me to pursue charges for dealing… blah blah blah.

I tell the kid he has one chance to prove he’s telling the truth.

Shows me the broken glass under his driver’s seat from a vehicle burglary. Gotta do better. I follow behind him back to his dorm, and he lets me in and shows me the busted footlocker he kept them in under his bed. Dunno. Kinda weak. Supervisors telling me to hurry and drop the ax.

Tell him to do better. He calls one of the soccer team assistants up and we meet him in the locker room. Shows me the little wooden locker which has a broken lock. Ehhh.

The assistant coach tells me they have replaced the lock on his cabinet three times. Campus security has numerous reports of medicine theft from this kid. Nice. I call the supervisor up and tell him I have no grounds to pursue delivery charges.

Poor b*stard just kept getting his prescription pills jacked, and being the big dumb meatball he was, he started packaging them like that. I end up talking to his best friend breaking up a house party a couple of months later. The friend tells me the kid is a stand-up guy who only uses the special green plant due to extreme anxiety (totally believable from my interaction with him) and has never sold anything in his life.

Friend thanked me and told me his buddy spoke well of me. The friend also tells me he had to drive his buddy to the hospital a few hours after I left from a panic attack due to the whole incident.

I felt bad for the kid. So now, whenever I see him smoking in his car in the mall parking lot I just wave.” PoeticTriggerPull

60. Domestic Violence? No, Just A Destructive Deer

“Had a Domestic in Progress I responded to during Christmas Day and the excuse for them fighting was, “We’re not mad at each other, we’re just upset because we wanted to surprise the kids for Christmas, we got some Deer, dressed them up, now they’re destroying our house.”

Turns out there were literally three fully grown white-tailed deer in the house somehow dressed with full bell harnesses like Santa’s reindeer.

I had to call the Game Wardens down who were then able to help me remove the deer from the property without injury to us or them.

How they managed to get the Deer and dress them up is still a mystery to this day.” Iamninja28

59. There Was A Good Reason He Was Bent Over, And He Has Proof

“I pulled over a guy and arrested him for an active warrant and a suspended license.

As I spoke with this individual while he was handcuffed I noticed a look of extreme discomfort on his face as he was slightly bent over. This guy was a known drug user, so I made the assumption he put ***** up his rear end. I then asked him the obvious question, “Do you have dope up your butt?” He denied at first. After telling him that it would be recovered at the jail, which would lead to additional charges, he then let me know he had a “plug” up his butt.

While handcuffed, he removed a 13-inch toy from his rectum and attempted to hand it to me.

While at the jail, I had 1 question: Why? He told me that his wife is very rough on him with a strap on and he was simply trying to “loosen up” before getting home.” benhill139

Another User Comments:

“I would have let him go. Him going home to his wife is worse than any jail.” SmellyBooties

58. This Time, Her Excuse Was Legit

“When I worked at a restaurant, we had this 16-year-old food runner who used to shift dodge a lot.

Every other week there’d be a wedding, a sick grandma, or “mystery illness.” That sort of thing. It was always on a Friday or Saturday night, too.

Anyway, on a really busy day, her mom calls in and says her daughter was hit by a car. My boss was like, “Come on, this is the third shift this week, now you’re getting your mommy to make your excuses?”

So the mom sent us a bunch of pics of the girl completely laid out at the hospital.

She came back a couple of months later, still making lame excuses, except now the managers were too afraid to not believe her.” Source

57. Constipation Caused Him To Stay Home From Work

Constipation is no joke.

“One of my employees called in saying he wasn’t coming into work because he was “severely constipated.”

He said he had an overwhelming feeling of needing to go number two, but just couldn’t.

I told him that I didn’t believe a word of it. Constipation as an excuse not to come into work? Really? I gave him an ultimatum: Either show up at work on time, or go to the hospital and get a doctor’s note.

Well, he went to the hospital where the doctors immediately rushed him into emergency surgery to remove a swollen appendix.

Turns out that my being a hard-nose saved his life.” Source

56. She Took Astrology Very Seriously

“I once had an employee call in and say she couldn’t come into work because, and I quote, “Everything was wrong.”

I asked her to elaborate.

With a deep sigh, she said that Mercury was in retrograde and there was a full moon in Scorpio. Allegedly, because she is a Capricorn, she was extra vulnerable to the cosmos and couldn’t come into work because it “would be too risky.”

I was like, “You’re really trying to get out of work because of your horoscope?”

She then snapped, “I knew you wouldn’t understand! You are such an Aries!” She slammed the phone on me.

She didn’t stay at the company for long.” Source

55. They Got Locked Inside The House

“It was me.

I phoned work to tell them I wouldn’t be in because I had locked myself inside my house.

I had just moved into a new house that weekend. I locked the front door Sunday evening from the inside and went to bed.

Woke up Monday morning, turned the key in the lock, and it just snapped off, leaving the door locked from the inside with remains of the key stuck inside the hole.

Had to call a neighbor and get them to come let me out with their spare key. I was four hours late for work. There was much teasing when I got to work.” Source

54. Ramen Noodle Poisoning Is A Thing?

“One of my employees was this girl who called in sick with a cold and sore throat. I didn’t think much of it. On her return to work, I asked her if she got sick from being at work.

I was expecting her to say no.

Instead, she said, “Yes.” I was surprised, and I asked her to explain.

“Well,” she says, “I was making ramen noodles in the kitchen, and the window was open. When I opened the little packet of seasoning, the wind blew through the window and all the powder blew into my face. I accidentally inhaled some of it.”

It may not be the most elaborate excuse, but calling in sick via ramen noodle poisoning is certainly the weirdest excuse I’ve ever heard.” Source

53. A Hobo Stole All His Pants

“He said a homeless man stole his pants.

Not shirts. Not belts. Just pants.

“I know you’re not going to believe this, but some homeless man broke into my house last night and stole all of my pants. I will not be able to make it into work today because I have to file a police report and have no pants to wear.”

He was right. I didn’t believe it.

Turns out he had thrown his wife a birthday party, gotten a little bit too loaded on white wine, and put all of his pants into the garbage for some reason.

His wife found them.” Source

52. He Wasn’t Trying To Get The Weekend Off After All

“I get a phone call “Hi, this is So and So’s girlfriend.. So and So will not be making it into work for a few days” (this was on a Friday, and he worked Saturday/Sunday).

Naturally, I explain that this individual has to call in, and she responds in a very somber voice, “He…won’t be able to make it in…” and the conversation leaves at that.

We begin speaking back and forth and I eventually get frustrated, especially since so and so is in management as well.

As a worried manager, I begin looking and calling around to all the hospitals in the city to make sure he wasn’t transported for anything major. I eventually check one last registry… The detention center. He got arrested for a DUI on a Friday and wouldn’t see a judge until Monday.” Source

51. He Saw A Pretty Girl At A Coffee Shop

“I had a really good, hard-working employee.

Always on time, picked up other shifts, great personality. The thing was, he was a “nice guy” – you know the guy who was always friend-zoned and a little awkward around girls, so he very rarely got any dates.

One day, he was scheduled to work with me in an hour. The phone rings; I answer and it’s him. He’s nervous but excited. Tells me he’s at a coffee shop and he had started talking to this really pretty girl and she was actually interested in hanging out with him! Asked if there was any way someone could cover his shift.

I laughed a little, then realized he was serious. *** it, I told him to go out and have a great time and I would figure it out. I honestly thought the next time I saw him, he would be all depressed because it didn’t work out.

Two days later, I see him at work and he tells me they’re dating! He couldn’t stop talking about her the entire shift.

For the next few months he worked for me, they were still together and had a great relationship. After he left the company, I have no idea what happened, but I really hope it lasted.” Source

50. Her Manager Was Skeptical When A So-Called EMT Called Her Work

“Girl who’d been with us maybe two days was supposed to show up at 8 am. I get a call about 8:15.

“Hi. Uh…is this the uh..manager? Well um…I’m John and um..uh..I’m an EMT and your employee has been in an accident and she uh…said to call you.” (The conversation was actually worse than this.) I’m thinking there’s no way this guy is an EMT. It’s her boyfriend and she’s making this up to get out of work.

Nope. She totaled her car for real. She ended up being one of my best employees.” Source

49. The Headache That Wouldn’t End

“I was the employee, but I’m sure he felt bad for doubting me.

My boss was always skeptical when someone would call in on Fridays or Mondays. Well, one Thursday night I had the most excruciating headache, which left me unable to sleep. Friday morning, after a horrible night, I called in and told my boss I wouldn’t be able to make it because of my horrible headache. He sighed disappointedly, and said, “See you Monday.” After that call, I looked in the mirror and noticed one of my eyes was crooked, and my vision was blurry.

I drove myself to the hospital where they learned I had a pituitary tumor. He came to see me in the hospital after my surgery.” Source

48. 5 Of His Grandparents Died Within 3 Months

“Guy at work called in 5 times in 3 months to say a grandparent just died. Our manager looked back further and found out that he’d used that excuse 3 times before. The bosses had a big laugh at how stupid this ******* was for not coming up with a new excuse and called him in with his shop steward.

He came to his disciplinary meeting armed with birth certificates, marriage certificates and obituaries. Turned out, both his parents had remarried when he was little, so there are 8 grandparents right there. His grandparents had also divorced and remarried a few times, so he still had a few grandparents kicking around.” Source

47. She Went Into Labor But Nobody Knew She Was Pregnant

“A larger lady at work called out because she just gave birth.

She had worked there for 6+ years, really good friends with everyone, and told no one she was pregnant. I had worked with her for two years and there was no noticeable difference for any of us.

None of us believed it till she came to work with her 3-week-old son.” Source

46. They Forgot About Daylight Savings Time

“Back when I was single, no kids, no responsibility, and apparently no concept of time, I somehow managed to miss daylight saving time and not notice until I showed up an hour late to work on Monday.

My boss wasn’t sure which was worse: the possibility of me lying or my aimless, drifting life.” Source

45. A Fat Cat Broke Through Their Ceiling

“While in the shower, I suddenly heard a loud crash followed by a blood-curdling “scream” and hiss echoing from the far end of my bathroom. I ripped open the shower curtain, only to see a gaping hole in my ceiling and a fat, orange tabby cat sitting directly below it, just as startled as myself.

It was Tom, my upstairs neighbor’s cat, who had apparently been living in the crawl space between our apartments. He had completely torn apart the HVAC system and had been stealing my heat all winter. I took a picture of Tom, the hole, and the heating system, and promptly sent them to my boss.” Source

44. They Pulled Over To Watch A Naked Man Get Tasered

“While driving to work, I noticed several police officers chase a naked man into someone’s front yard (in the middle of winter in Fargo, N.D.)! The guy was only wearing knee-high moccasins.

Naturally, I stopped and watched while an officer tasered the naked man, who then fell into a snowbank and was taken to the squad car. It was worth every minute of being late that day!” Source

43. He Suddenly Developed A Banana Allergy

All he was trying to do was eat healthy, and it sure did backfire.

“An employee who regularly ate bananas in the office claimed to have a sudden adult-onset banana allergy resulting in a severe ‘runny tummy.’ He left the office almost immediately after arriving and consuming a banana as a part of his regular morning routine.” Mollie Moric

42. A Train Was Blocking Their Driveway

“I answered the phone at work one early one morning.

It was a coworker, “Uh, BeefGriller, can you tell Bossman that I’ll be late today, or maybe not coming in at all?” “Sure. Why, what’s up?” “Well, you won’t believe me, but I swear it’s true…” “OK, what is it?” “Well… there’s a train blocking my driveway.”

It turns out there was a rail line running next to the road in front of his house, going right across his driveway.

Apparently, the engine had some trouble and the train came to a halt, blocking his only way to the road.” BeefGriller

41. He Missed His Midterm Because His Car Exploded