People are colorful creatures. Growing up, I was always told that there are many animals in God’s zoo and to interact when appropriate, and to stand back and watch when needed. That nugget of truth couldn’t ring louder or more clearly when it comes to serving alcohol at night to strangers.
Anyone who has ever worked at an establishment that serves liquor knows what’s up. The business of bars, fancy or dive, is to serve liquid courage, rendering even the most articulate, well-dressed, highbrow customer into a different version of his/herself.
Some versions are lovely and caring; others can get a little strange. Some even reverse the roles and lend a shoulder to the bartender (#6 is a sweet story). Every tender of the bar has a few stories to share, and this is a compilation of some pretty wild ones. Pull up a stool. Sit down and make yourself comfortable while a few bartenders rustle up some of their wackiest true stories.
8. “One Day, He Was The Only One There And He Proceeded To Tell Me All About How …”
“When I was a bartender, I learned very quickly that people, good and bad, have their moments.
I had some regulars who would come in and drink, [a] nice couple, always seemed to be getting along. One night, the husband comes back to the bar while I’m closing up. We did some casual chatting when he looked at me, deadpan, and said he will get us the hotel room right down the street. I politely declined and called him a cab. It shook me up. I never told his wife.
Another time, a regular got really messed up and invited me to have a threesome with him and his wife. Apparently, judging by the look on his wife’s face – she had no idea that her hubs wanted a three-way. Never saw them again.
Another time, I ordered a regular some oysters from a nearby restaurant. He offered me some when they arrived and I declined. I said I don’t like the texture. He said it’s just like swallowing… You know. And asked if I would be the mouth to his oyster that night after my shift.
And this is what it’s like being a female bartender.” – Ctrlz4ever
7. He Asks The Bartender, “How Are You, Man?”
“I’m a bartender/waiter at a restaurant in Puerto Rico. After Hurricane Irma, the owner bought a huge power generator so we wouldn’t go out of business. We were fine for a few days before we got our butts kicked by Hurricane María. I was able to get back to work 5 days after María hit, and never have I ever had such an emotional day at work. I worked for 12 hours straight selling bottled water and sodas due to the dry law.
After about maybe the 8th straight hour working, the place started to empty due to the curfew. There was military enforcing people to go home before nightfall. I was cleaning up the place when an older gentleman, Vietnam vet and coincidentally a die-hard Steelers fan (just like me), came over for a whiskey sour. At first, I told him I couldn’t sell it to him because of the dry law and I could get in REALLY big trouble. Turns out he’s friends with all the military surrounding the area and he had permission for one drink.
I served him the drink and he just straight up asks me, “How are you, man? How’s your family?” That destroyed me. I hadn’t seen my parents in days. I had no cell signal so I couldn’t call them. I had just moved in with my girlfriend and after the storm, she had to stay with her mom because she lived closer to her job. I was incredibly alone and felt hopeless. I just started crying and talking to the guy and eventually calmed down but WOOOOW did I ever need a good cry.” – RunDatTriangle
6. “…If I Didn’t Get Him A To-Go Cup..”
“5’3″ Waitress here. A man at least 250 lbs and 6’2″ told me he’d punch me in the face if I didn’t get him a to-go cup for his Long Island iced tea he asked for after I told him it was illegal.” – stephsky419
5. “Then, She Wants To Tell Me Something She’s Never Told Anyone Before…”
“I work in a small corner bar in a small town. It’s proudly and purposefully a “dive.” I used to work a lot of weeknight closing shifts so most patrons were regulars. There was one woman who would come in and drink wine (we had two kinds-red and white-and it was cheap) and, more often than not, would start crying about something once she was good and drunk. She was nice enough though and was usually with other people, so we never really had to deal with her drama directly.
One night, she comes in around 9 and happens to be my only customer at the moment. I knew her well enough to chat about random stuff, and had nothing better to do. So 2, 3, 4 glasses of wine go down, and she starts talking about how she believes in ghosts, angels, etc. She’s not proselytizing so I can roll with it.
Then, she wants to tell me something she’s never told anyone before. She’s very serious, and I can tell she believes everything she’s saying. She proceeds to tell me about the time she woke up in the middle of a night and saw a leprechaun in her room. For what it’s worth, we’re in Midwest America, not Ireland. She described in detail how he looked (stereotypical), smelled (like freshly mowed grass and tobacco), and acted. He didn’t speak. Just winked at her and left, apparently. She KNOWS she wasn’t dreaming and KNOWS he was REALLY THERE! And that’s why she believes in other supernatural phenomena.
Fortunately, that was about the time the second shift clientele starting coming in, and I could take my leave. We all used to say she was a little crazy, but, d**n!” – D2theMcV
4. “You Must Know, I Have A Gift…”
“My favorite was a regular who came up to the bar for a glass of red wine. At this point he was not yet a regular, it was his first time here. I poured the elderly man a nice glass of Pinot Noir, told him a little about the wine and the history of the building the bar is in (built in 1604!) because he seemed interested in it. He was.
We chat a little and he is overall a pleasant, but quirky, old man. At one point he looks at me and says, ‘You must know, I have a gift. I can read people’s pasts. Not their current past, but previous life’s past. I can’t do it with everyone, but I am getting strong signals from your past. Would you like to know yours?’ We’re now joined by another regular of mine, a girl I was actually trying to get with at the time.
I pour the man another glass, pour myself one too because this is about to get good. He tells me what he sees and feels in my past lives. There is one life he can see very clearly, but it’s a bit shocking he says. I tell him to go on. The girl is asking all kinds of ‘in your face’ questions, she’s being a little annoying, quite honestly. The old man ignores them or answers them if he can, and tells me about this previous life I once lived.
He tells me I was an Irish boy (I have a big red beard, go figure!) and that my family and I fled Ireland during the famine. We got on a boat to New York, my mom died on the boat and I joined a gang in New York where I eventually die in a fight against a rival gang. Sounds familiar, right? Well, when the man went to the bathroom I checked and indeed, “Gangs of New York” was on cable the night before.
The man comes back and the girl and I play along. He tells me some more details about the movie, I mean, my previous life. I go along with his made up fiction until he stops talking about it. Then the girl turns to him and asks ‘And me? Can you see my previous life?’ He looks at her, takes a sip of his wine and says ‘Yes. Yes, you were a monkey.'” – Alwin_
3. “He Told Me My Martinis Were The Best And Promised To…”
“I used to work in a bar across from a large hospital. I had one guy spend a lot of time in the bar while his wife was in the hospital across the street having a difficult childbirth. He told me my martinis were the best and promised to name his child after me. I, of course, dismissed this as the drunken ramblings of a madman.
He came in a couple weeks later and showed me the birth certificate of his daughter. She had four middle names, one of which was a feminized version of mine.
To this day I’m kicking myself for not asking who the other three were named after. I wonder if any of them were other bartenders…” – DemonEggy
2. “Well, What Do You Know, He’s In There For Too Long…”
“When I bartended in San Francisco, I remember this guy who got super trashed at my bar. He was a liquor representative who gave us his card and the business spiel. The bar is a pretty nice place, but we had really nice booze and cocktails, so it was easy to go overboard.
So, he goes to the restroom, and we only have one for each gender. It was busy so it’s not like this was conspicuous, and we were pretty aware that lots of naughty things happen in there but we kept it tidy. Well, what do you know, he’s in there for too long.
Somehow my manager had lost or didn’t remember where the spare key was. We actually had to pick the lock with a paper clip. Long story short, this guy was passed out in there, with the mirror (which was wall-mounted) lying flat on the ground with what appears to be urine all over it – he was on the John with his pants down.
I think the conclusion we drew was he was on some sort of d***s and decided he wanted to watch himself urinate. I’ve heard of this kind of thing on hard d***s but I can’t imagine he was tripping at a packed bar, but who knows.
We get him to put together as best we can and kick him out when he acts super offended and tries to fight my manager. It was late at this point so I don’t really remember the details. What I do remember was we had his business card, so my manager calls his boss the next day and demands that they pay for the mirror and whatever other damages, and of course that his behavior makes us definitely not want to buy whatever brand he was hocking at that time.” – Yjan
1. “As soon as I saw it happen…”
“I used to work at a restaurant near a pretty affluent neighborhood before the economy went south in 2008. We were near the local tennis club, so watching trophy wives swooning over their tennis pro was not uncommon.
One day, four tennis ladies come in for appletinis. They down the first couple relatively quickly and take their third round and walk away from the bar. I assume they’re heading out to smoke but they weren’t. Turns out they went to hang out at the other side of the restaurant, which is closed between lunch and dinner. I found out when I overheard someone talking about two women going at it in one of the booths.
Of course, everyone made sure to get an eyeful of live g**********l action. But that was quickly interrupted by the fact that the blonde was not feeling well. They stepped outside and I figured they would come inside, pay their tab, and that would be the end of that.
They did, in fact, come back inside, three girls carrying one right into the bathroom. As soon as I saw it happen, I knew I would have h**l to clean up. And sure enough, when they left the bathroom, I was attending other bar guests, so one of the servers coming on for the dinner shift was the first to see it.
Poop. Poop everywhere. Literal feces on the floor, on the walls, it was terrible. I will be in that particular server’s debt forever because she wasn’t scared to clean it. She just said “I’ll handle it” and did. I figured it was over, but I was wrong. The manager who came on for the night shift was taking a walk around the restaurant when he saw it. Poop. Poop again. Poop on the floor in the game room of the restaurant.
We even looked at the camera footage to see how this could’ve happened. It seems that while she was being carried in, she couldn’t hold her poop and it just started coming out and she shook her leg a little to get it out of her underwear. We named her Poopy Pants and told the story to every new server.
Did she stop coming around? Yeah, for a while, but then she just started coming around again with her kids as if nothing ever happened. If you poop your pants in a restaurant, everyone will know about it and it will never be safe to return.” – iJObot
