People Worry They Are Shabby In These 'Am I A Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Arguing With My Sister Over Her Lack Of Planning And Disregard For My Time?
“Recently, I(27M) booked a weekend to travel back home and booked a restaurant for me and my sister(23F). I also planned to meet up with her and some friends as a group.
2 weeks before, I’m trying to sort out availability, timings, etc. for the evening as it’s hard to coordinate a bunch of people when you’re abroad. My sister is evil at organizing stuff and doesn’t care too much. When I messaged her asking which restaurant she recommended, she said ‘It’s somewhere in town’ When I asked specifically for the name of the restaurant so I could book, she got annoyed, saying ‘It’s in town, who cares, we’ll decide what to do when we get there’.
She said she’s busy with university and her partner. We texted back and forth (she refuses to call me to discuss), and I admittedly escalated the argument, using some hurtful swearing and saying she doesn’t give a hoot about anyone and can go forget herself.
The day rolls around when I get into the country, and take the train to meet everyone(most friends canceled cause vague plans). My sister messaged me saying we needed to talk about our relationship and to tell friends to wait an hour for us to talk.
I told her no because people already bought tickets and committed to coming in to spend time with us. It would be rude to force them to wait around so we could have an argument that, let’s face it, would probably ruin the night… did offer to call now, but she said no, only face-to-face conversation.
She said I either give her my time to have a serious talk, or she’s not coming, and I can find another place to stay the weekend. I felt hurt here & told her I wouldn’t submit to an emotional threat like that and I’ll find a place to stay.
The next day, I didn’t have time to talk, she didn’t show up for the restaurant, but on the way back to my friend’s house, I offered to wake up at 6 am and meet her for a one-to-one before my flight, I wanted to salvage our relationship.
We met at 7 am, she brought her partner, which is annoying since he isn’t involved. We started talking, and she said I didn’t acknowledge her emotional vulnerability and kept disregarding her feelings, this would be the end of our relationship. Her partner kept interjecting too, and felt I was piled on.
I told her that she has been so disrespectful to me, my time, and my friends, which do matter because they are people I love. I have tangible reasons for her hurting me, but she has intangible emotional issues which I can’t quantify the degree of, understand where they are coming from, and agree with because by nature – it’s emotional. I said I always text her about her uni, and partner, and support her, but she doesn’t answer ever, only when she needs something.
She said it’s over for us.
I’m at the airport right now, and I guess I wanted to vent this out… my whole life, the person I thought was my best friend for life… is a completely different person, and doesn’t want anything to do with me, and just doesn’t seem to care.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This was very hard to decipher. If your sister says that she is done, then she shouldn’t be calling you the next time she needs something. She brought her partner to help gang up on you. I’m sending you a hug.
Maybe some time will help with your relationship. You have other people in your life. Lean on their support. Good luck OP.” Humble_Guidance_6942
Another User Comments:
“NTJ her being incapable of giving you even the name of the restaurant would have driven me right through the ceiling.
I think she’s young, immature, and showing it. Pretty soon she’s going to start texting you articles about how you’re a narcissist who breached her boundaries and didn’t respect her feelings enough. I hope you text back, “ALL I WANTED WAS THE NAME OF THE RESTAURANT!” I’d say give her time, always invite her if you come around again (though never get her involved in making plans again, just a time and place), and get hands off before she drives you batty.
She’ll hopefully grow up.” SarahLynn
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why you wanted to meet your sister and own friends at the same time. Unless they are mutual friends too, it does not make sense. It also does not make sense that you want her to decide on a restaurant, it was pretty clear she was not into organizing meetups with your friends.
She is 23, chances are her meetup’s title is “We Meet in the City and Walk into a Random Restaurant” kind of deal. NTJ ultimately, because you were not a jerk, but next time you want to meet friends you need to organize it … or find a friend who wants to organize.” unsafeideas
18. AITJ For Sending My Friend's Misbehaved Dog To Daycare?
“My friend (25F) asked me (24F) if I could watch her dog, Cody, for two weeks while she went back to her home state to deal with some family issues. She told me he was potty-trained, good with people, and good with other animals (I have a cat, Tawny).
I had been to her house a few times, and, at least during the times I’ve been there, he’s usually a sweetheart. I said yes, and when it came time for her to leave, she dropped Cody and his things off.
The first thing I realized is that Cody wasn’t as house-trained as she claimed. Maybe he knew it was wrong to pee in his house, but he thought it would be perfectly okay to do it in mine.
It happened on the first day, and when I told her, she said she had let him outside rather than walking him like she usually would, so maybe he had just sat outside and did nothing rather than do his business.
It had been on the vinyl wood floor and I caught it immediately, so I just let it slide, cleaned it up, and took him for a walk right after.
But as the days went by and it happened more than once, it became clear to me that he just wasn’t that well potty trained at all.
The second thing I realized is that, yes, he’s friendly with other animals, but that doesn’t mean good with other animals.
Tawny had no problem with him when he was calm, but when he was hyperactive and getting all up in her space, she would get hissy and swipe at him.
I ended up banishing him from the upstairs. But that led to another problem: Cody hated to be alone at night.
He absolutely hated it and made sure everyone knew about it by whining and barking until he would tire himself out.
I finally ended up calling my friend and telling her that her dog wasn’t as well-behaved as she claimed and that she needed to tell me another friend of her’s she felt comfortable enough to hand him off to or that I was just going to end up sticking him in a doggy daycare that she’d either have to pay for or pay me back for.
She got upset and asked why I had agreed to dog sit if I was just going to dump him, but I agreed to dog sit a dog who was painted as not having behavioral issues. She couldn’t find someone she could trust to take care of Cody, so I found a non-expensive but still decently reviewed doggy daycare to drop him off at.
She said she’d pay me back since I ended up paying upfront, but that she was cross with me and wasn’t sure if she could depend on me for things anymore. I felt justified originally, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I could understand why she’d be upset that I essentially went back on my word and also made her pay for a service she hadn’t planned on using (I hadn’t asked her to pay me to watch her dog).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your entire list of “bad behaviors” is normal for a dog in a new environment and a cat who is not socialized. Of course, he peed in a new environment and played like a normal dog. Of course, he whined when left alone in a new place.
It sounds like YOU were not prepared for typical dog behavior and then decided to use a service. She should not pay you back. She does not authorize your use of a “decently reviewed” service. You dumped her dog there.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a dog owner of 16 years myself (with 2 dogs) it would have been up to me to make sure that my dog would have gotten along in your household before I leave it there for two weeks. Meaning I would have started going to your place some evening with my dog to make sure all is good.
Then I would have left him alone with you a day or two (while I was still in town). To detect any problems sure, but to also prepare my dog so that he knows he’s in a place of trust. There’s no telling how an animal can act without their owners present and in new environments.
Maybe she couldn’t, since it was an emergency? (Family issue) and she was in a hurry. In that case, I wouldn’t have been angry at you for bringing my dog somewhere else if he was behaving badly and putting stress on your animals.
I think you did the right thing. It’s not like you dump the dog in a stranger’s home or the side of the road, you leave him in an establishment that dogsit. It’s perfectly fine. Maybe propose to pay half the bills tho?
You still have a responsibility since you agreed to care for it. Leaving the dog in a dog daycare is taking care of it. ” Apart-One4133
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – This: ‘She got upset and asked why I had agreed to dog sit if I was just going to dump him, but I agreed to dog sit a dog who was painted as not having behavioral issues.’ You wouldn’t have dumped him at doggie daycare if he didn’t have the problems he did at your place.
Normally when you have an animal that needs to stay in a new environment for an extended time, you take the time to introduce them into the home with the other people to see how they do with the owner there. You two didn’t do that.
I am surprised that the daycare allowed you to drop him off without an introductory period beforehand, most won’t let you do that.” PumpkinPowerful3292
17. AITJ For Not Buying My Friend Specific Merchandise From A Convention?
“I have known this person for about 10 years, but only casually. Both of us are ~30 and big video game nerds and have our favorite characters. They are a big positive influence in our lives and we grew closer through discussing them lately.
My friend’s favorite character helped them get over insecurities, inspired them to create again, etc; things I can truly relate to.
Now I was at a big convention. I struggle with social anxiety and crowds, so the time there was very stressful, but overall super nice.
I also met with other friends that I rarely get to see and bought small gifts for my friend at home.
At the convention, there was niche merchandise of my friend’s favorite game. Nothing official, but licensed. It had very different aesthetics from the original or what I thought my friend would like.
It was very pricey and I didn’t even realize there was anything there from their favorite character. One of my friends I was there with convinced me to participate in a raffle at that stand and we even ended up winning something. I mostly just liked the aesthetic of the merchandise and had the chance to pick my favorite piece, so I was happy and moved on without thinking about it too much anymore.
Back home all was okay at first and I told my friend about the convention. We parted ways in high spirits. At around 10-11 pm I then received a long text from my friend about how disappointed they were in me for not getting them merchandise of their favorite character from that stand, or at least telling them about it (it would have been “the ultimate sign of friendship” to pick their favorite at the raffle – I still didn’t even know there had been merchandise of him there).
I didn’t react very nice at first, because I was exhausted and taken aback. I apologized for hurting them, as it hadn’t been my intention, and asked for an in-person conversation the next day. I was hurt that their first instinct had been me wanting to spite them on purpose.
The next day we met. I apologized again for not realizing the merchandise would have been something they would even like (in the sense that, it did not match their aesthetic, was expensive, didn’t realize their favorite character was even there, etc). They then said that I did not know them at all, understanding my “didn’t think you’d like this” as “I didn’t know this character is important to you”.
I knew as we had bonded so much over the fact. I just wasn’t aware that all merchandise even loosely related to him is a must-have for them, no matter the price or aesthetic. Also, I did show and tell them (via text and photos) about other official merchandise we saw while there.
According to my friend, I robbed them of owning a unique piece of merchandise. For them it did not matter that it was not their aesthetic, they wanted it as a collector’s item.
Ever since they do not want any contact with me anymore. I have, in their words, re-traumatized them, which also leaves me heartbroken.”
Another User Comments:
“Hey NTJ, and while I don’t know the intricacies of your friendship, I do not think this person treats you like a friend should. They cared more about having an expensive collector’s item than about hearing about your experience at a convention and punishing you for something you weren’t even aware of.
I don’t know how expensive this official merchandise you saw was but I know that for my fav series, official merchandise is hard to find, and EXPENSIVE (an acrylic standee of my fav character is 116 on ebay rn) and I would NEVER put that on my friend or be mad that they didn’t get something for me.
I also don’t understand where your friend’s “traumatization” comes from. Not being given a specific expensive gift isn’t being traumatized, it’s being an absolute spoiled brat. Conventions are a lot of fun, hectic expensive, and incredibly easy to get overwhelmed at. You should put your overall experience and health first regardless of what your friend says.” Bacoose
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move Out So My Roommate's Partner Can Move In?
“Me (29 M) and my roommate (27 M) have been best friends for almost 15 years. We grew up together in the prairies of Canada and had planned on moving to the West Coast for quite some time.
He moved to the west coast about 7 years ago, then I moved here 4 years ago when I finished college. I moved into the two-bedroom basement suite he has been renting for about 5 years.
Lots of our other friends have lived here and moved out but currently, it is just us two, and has been since I moved here.
It may be worth noting there is no formal lease, we just pay cash to the family that lives upstairs.
It is worth noting that our place is well below the average price of the city. Known as one of the most expensive places to live, we are getting a great deal.
He has been seeing his current partner for just over a year now and just mentioned that they are starting to talk about moving in together. She lives in a studio apartment alone currently. He mentioned that they have been thinking about doing the move-in about a year from now in August 2025, before she goes back to school.
And that they have been looking at places here and there but are thinking that if she just moves into our place, he wants me to move out so they can be alone.
This seems like a bit of an inconsiderate suggestion when moving out would easily quadruple my rent payments.
I understand he gave a lot of notice, and he has been at this place longer. But if they shared a one-bedroom apartment, his rent would double (still somewhat affordable) and hers would be cut in half. I am completely open to her moving in with us, but that wasn’t even mentioned.
I just have no reference if this is a normal suggestion, to me the normal options are to ask if it’s cool if she moves in with us, or they move into their own place. So, am I the jerk for thinking this is a strange suggestion?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your roommate wants to move in with his partner then the onus is on him to move into a new place with her, not force you out of your existing arrangement if you don’t want to go.” ExpectedBehaviour
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk here. It’s fair to feel like that suggestion is inconsiderate, especially when moving out would massively increase your expenses. It sounds like your friend is thinking more about his relationship than the practical impact on you. A year’s notice is nice, but that doesn’t change the fact that being asked to leave a great living situation for someone else’s convenience feels a little off.
You’ve got a solid point—why can’t they move in together somewhere else, or even talk about a compromise where you all share the space? Moving out shouldn’t be your problem alone to solve.” Massive-Ad9057
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. You said that you moved in after college, so you should have a professional job.
And you admitted that your rent currently is well below market value. So that means you should have a nice chunk saved to put towards another place. He even gave you a year’s notice so you can save more and look for a great deal. Sounds like this is a solid friend and he hooked you up with a great deal. Don’t make it awkward or ruin your friendship over this.
He’s trying to take his relationship to the next level, you all aren’t kids anymore.” Rapacious_Reader
15. AITJ For Telling My Friend "I Told You So" After His Car Crash?
“I (19M) am the only one with a car, so I was the one driving everyone around. I had a set of rules that everyone had issues with, such as seatbelts (at the back too), no eating/drinking (water excepted), no distracting me (they would often try shoving their phones at me), and no blocking my blind spot by sitting weirdly (I don’t care if my car has blind spot monitoring; I prefer to check manually).
Everyone constantly grilled me for my rules and made fun of me for following the law. Yes, I admit I miss my exit a quarter of the time, but I won’t cut off other drivers or reverse just to save a few minutes (an actual suggestion from them).
One of my friends even said, “If I had a car, I wouldn’t drive like a grandma like you. You suck at driving.”
Suffice it to say, I was relieved when one of my friends finally got a car and could be the group driver.
At first, everyone roasted me in group chats and real life, raving about how much more fun it was now that I wasn’t driving.
Five months after getting his license and car, my friend told everyone in the group chat that he’d been in a car crash and his car was totaled. He shared the dashcam footage and genuinely thought he wasn’t at fault, calling the other driver a “dumb typical female driver.” The footage showed him going 75 km/h in a 50 km/h zone on a blind curve.
The other driver was turning right, and he hit her at full speed. Instead of braking, he honked. For some reason, neither he nor the other driver got a ticket.
I told him in the group chat that he was probably at fault, considering he was going 50% over the speed limit, on a blind curve, and just 100 meters from a 40 km/h school zone.
Even if he had the right of way, insurance would deem him at fault due to his speed and slow reaction time. I told him not to send the footage to his insurance company. Of course, everyone in the chat called me an idiot and one of them said, “Bro, I live near that neighborhood.
My brother goes 80 on that street; everyone does. That lady was the idiot.” Since the cop didn’t ticket him and the group chat supported him, he sent the footage to his insurance company.
He was so confident that he started asking for suggestions on what new car to get once he received a “fat paycheck.” Everyone got hyped and started browsing Auto Trader.
A week later, he got the verdict from his provider: he was deemed 100% at fault. He also had the cheapest insurance plan, so his insurance company paid nothing to him and only covered the other driver. Even if they had paid him something, he wouldn’t be able to afford insurance with his record as a young male.
In the group chat, I responded with, “Lmao, now you know why I drive like a ‘grandma’. Enjoy taking the bus.” Everyone in the chat reacted with negative reactions. He replied, “Rules are meant to be broken; I’m not a stickler like you. Everyone gets into a car crash.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was at fault. And between the “dumb typical female driver” and “Rules are meant to be broken,” I’m thinking that this was not just a crash – it was karma (pun intended). I just hope, when he gets another car, he doesn’t hurt someone.
In any case, this was a very clear case of a deserved “I told you so.” But, I guess that you are back to being the group driver again.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“Something is wrong when you need to set rules for passengers in your car for the most basic things.
If they need to be told to not distract you whilst driving and to not block your blind spots then they shouldn’t be entitled to get into your car at all. I’ve been driving for years and have never once had to tell a fellow adult passenger to not distract me.
If I’m trying to see in a blind spot the passenger(s) move for me regardless of if they’re actually in the way or not. They understand that safety in a car is the number 1 priority. NTJ and you desperately need new friends.” TheFlyingMunkey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You warned him about both his driving habits and the insurance situation, and he chose to ignore you. It’s frustrating to watch someone learn the hard way, especially after they’ve mocked you for playing it safe. While your “I told you so” moment might have stung, it seems like it was more about making a point than rubbing it in.
He needs to take responsibility for his actions, and maybe this will be a wake-up call for him. Sometimes, tough lessons are the most effective.” FieldBuddy
14. AITJ For Asking My Parents For Help While I'm In College?
“I (18-year-old) female, am the first of my siblings to go to college. My brothers (32 and 39) made some not-so-good choices so they never ended up finishing the remainder of their education, I also feel it is important to mention that they love to ask my parents for money, materials, etc. usually after they get what they need they cut off my parents until they need something else.
I am very close with my parents, especially my mom. My dad wasn’t around when raising me because of his active duty events he needed to travel to different countries for the military), which is why I am super close to my mother.
I and my significant other are doing long distances at the moment, but he surprised me by buying a plane ticket to come to visit me!
I asked my parents if they would pick him up for me because I would be in the middle of a performance at the time he flew in at, (I do theatre). I would have got him myself but my parents wouldn’t allow me to bring my car to school, and I am in the middle of a performance so I literally cannot grab him.
So, I asked my mom and dad if one of them could pick him up since they live next to the airport, they said they would and were happy to but I got a text about an hour later from my mother saying, “I know you don’t think this is rude behavior, but it feels at though you are only using us to get your significant other and we have fallen down the priority list.”
I felt awful and we had a long talk where I apologized for making them feel like I only used them for their resources.
Now, jumping to yesterday night. I do the marketing for my school’s Instagram and I needed a camera to take some nice photos but it’s unfortunately am unable to buy my camera.
I then remembered my dad has a nice camera that he never uses so I texted in the family group chat asking if it would be alright to borrow it for a couple of days. They both said yes and they said they would bring it up at the end of the week.
I got a text from my mother at 2 AM saying this: “Hey so the camera thing: why do you need the camera? Because it is not cool to ask Dad for it. Your school should have access to students who take photography classes or your production should have access to equipment.
If this is something that you are going to ask for now every time then maybe not ask Dad for it. Because you know he would do anything for you and again this seems like another example of you taking advantage of us being close.”.
I don’t believe I was taking advantage of them, at all. I asked because there is no other way to get a camera. All the “equipment” we have from the photography department is individually owned by the students, and I have told them that.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure what has gotten into your mother unless there are issues that weren’t included in this story. The requests you made are solidly within the bounds of reason and minimal. When you wrote that “we had a long talk”, did you mean with both of your parents or just you and your mom?
If just mom, I suggest you have a private chat with your dad asking about this. He will tell her about it after, but at least you will find out what he thinks and is observing. If you did not talk to both parents, it won’t be a surprise if he has no idea what your mom has been telling you.
This seems so out of the blue. It could be anything, NTJ” Scenarios.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your parents are carrying some baggage from how your brothers have treated them, and unfortunately, it’s spilling over into how they view your requests. You’re not asking for things with bad intentions—you’re just in a tough spot without your car and trying to make things work.
Plus, you’re paying for your tuition, which shows you’re handling a lot on your own! Maybe try having a heart-to-heart with them to make sure they understand you’re not taking advantage, you’re just navigating college life. It sounds like you’re just trying to be resourceful, not ungrateful.” Friendly_girl_88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It sounds like they’re projecting their feelings from your older brothers onto you. It’s not fair. You’re there and you have a relationship with them. You’re also a college student which is costly. If you’re not using them just for your benefit every time you contact them, you should be able to call in a favor now and again without being accused of “using them.” You’re their family.
Maybe sit down and talk with them and lay everything out whenever you all have the chance.” TheSunAndScooby124
13. AITJ For Being Upset With My Best Friend For Skipping My Birthday For Her Partner's Friend's Engagement?
“I 22f recently had my 22 birthday earlier this month. I had been planning my birthday with my best friend 23f since August. This birthday was important to me since I spent my 21st birthday unwell in bed for two weeks. I had everything mostly planned out, hair & nail appointments made, and reservations at the restaurant.
Then about a week and a half before my birthday she told me her partner’s best friend was getting engaged during the same weekend and she wouldn’t be able to come to my party as she’d be leaving with him out of town for the engagement party.
This upset me a lot because I wasn’t planning a big party. I only have about three friends and a partner so her not coming was a big deal for me. I had also already expressed my insecurities to her about my lack of friends and having such a small party.
To me, her missing a birthday party that was important to me for an engagement party for a person who isn’t even her friend upset me. She has been in a relationship with her partner for less than a year and this isn’t the first time that her partner has come before our friendship.
This is her first relationship and I understand that boundaries and dynamics will change when you start having a romantic relationship with someone. For some reason, I am not able to see her justification of it being her partner’s best friend’s engagement party that was more important.
She briefly apologizes, then suggests I move my birthday to a different day so that she can be there to celebrate. The problem with this is I am not able to move the appointments already booked for my pre-birthday prep also the reservation I made for the restaurant wouldn’t be able to be moved.
After a lot of back-and-forth, I explain that I am not changing my birthday party date for her. It felt more like she was trying to make herself feel better by offering to help me move all of my birthday prep appointments and find a new restaurant for dinner.
To me, this was a bit insulting because I spent an entire month planning out every detail of my party.
We ended up not seeing eye to eye and she left that weekend and I had my party. I updated her sporadically throughout the weekend about how it went and we haven’t spoken to each other since.
We went from hanging out 3 to 4 times a week to barely speaking or seeing each other. This is my fault because I did not reach out and ask her for space to cool off when this first happened.
I do know that I am being a bit of a jerk, but is it that wrong if I don’t want to continue with our friendship like how it was before?
Maybe we are just different people, but I wouldn’t pick a partner over my best friend’s birthday. I’ve been best friends with her since seventh grade, and I’ve been able to not mind too much when we have to change our plans because of her significant other, but to me, this was the breaking point.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re 22 and just learning the world doesn’t revolve around you. By the way, your partner will at one point be more important than your friends. Grow up and be an adult. Everybody has their own life. Don’t expect people to stop and fit you in when you want them to.
You could have changed the plans but you didn’t want to cause you believe that she needs to do as you want.” message
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Yeah, I get you *to an extent*. This was planned a while ago so of course you’re hurt, but to make this a friendship ender is just overdramatic.
She even tried to help come up with solutions and it sounds like it was simple to move as she suggested. Your birthday was not a milestone and it happens every year. Engagements are (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime events. The part where you talk about your insecurities over having a few friends and what a big deal it is that one that comes also comes across as manipulative and guilt-tripping.
Your insecurities are valid but that’s not on your friends to be managing.” applebum8807
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. She’s skipping a party you’ve been planning for over a month to go to an event for someone she’s not even friends with?
all over the guy she’s been in a relationship with for *less than a year?* I’m sorry everyone else here doesn’t know how to read, but it’s more than normal to want your friends to care about you. That’s the point of having a friend.
Because you care about them. To have someone you’ve known for over a decade blow you off for no real reason is of course going to hurt, and any sane adult wouldn’t want to be her friend either. She’ll come running back when they break up, talking about how much she misses you, but she won’t mean any of it.
Save yourself the heartache. If she can’t even come to your birthday, you don’t owe her anything” oingyboingy7
12. AITJ For Being Upset That My Friends Left My Event For A Different Club?
“Last week a group of friends were planning to get dinner one night.
I invited them all to an event afterward that another group of friends invited me to (a DJ event at a cool venue, close to the dinner place). Jake, one of the dinner friends says “Sure, I’d be down”. The rest don’t respond.
The next day we go for drinks after dinner, before the DJ set starts.
At the bar, Jake jokes with another friend (Jane) about going to a different club instead. The DJ set starts and I get up to go with Jake to the DJ venue. Two dinner friends (Alex and Jane) decide to come along for a drink, but they say they won’t stay long because they’re tired.
At the venue, I meet with my other friends and we dance together. At one point Jane makes a very brief comment about the music (like “What are they playing?”). Not long after, Jane tells me she’s tired and they’re leaving. We hug and say goodbye.
Alex disappears, but I assume he left with Jane. Jake also disappeared. I text the group saying “Jake, did you leave too? :(“. This was maybe 40 minutes after we arrived.
About 15 minutes later, Alex messages the group saying they were at the metal club. Jake tells me to join them and I decline.
But they continued to send me messages every so often about how much fun they were having how they had real music and how much better it was.
I had fun the rest of the night at my event but was bothered that the group of friends I brought with me would all leave together for another party without telling me.
I was particularly upset at Jake, who accepted my invitation to come to my event and then left as soon as there was a better thing he wanted to do.
I spoke the next morning to Jane about how I was upset. She was understanding and validating.
But she shared her side. She says she had suggested the metal bar to me earlier, so that was my invitation to join them and I had said no. Also, the repeated messages about how much better the club was were meant as playful banter to convince me to join them.
I said I would never do this if I was invited to something unless I was truly miserable at an event.
We did end up talking it through and in the end, it boiled down to: *people have different virtues and that’s okay and it hurts when people don’t reciprocate and for that they’re sorry but what they did wasn’t fundamentally wrong or rude*.
I accept this but it’s still not sitting super nicely with me so I wanted other people’s opinions. At this point, I don’t feel like I will invite these friends to other parties/events in the future. Am I a petty jerk for holding other people to my standard?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ This is one of the most level-headed posts I’ve read on here. If more people responded like you and your friend did there’d be no AITJ forum! You talked it through with your friend. She was receptive, and you both were able to share your views without arguing.
That’s a good friendship! At the same time, you both established that you have different expectations when you invite someone to an event. She acknowledged that she felt comfortable leaving for a different venue. Since you are uncomfortable with that, there’s nothing wrong with making distinct plans with them, and not inviting them to join your other friend group’s outings.
But I’d hold on to this friendship with Jane!” HowlPen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here You were already set to meet up with another group of friends, group A. This group, group B, did join for a while and didn’t like the music so they went back to “their” original plan, that you were invited to.
They didn’t leave you alone at the bar. You chose what group of friends to spend the night hanging with. It Would be petty to punish them because they didn’t like the music and weren’t interested in hanging with your other friends and you chose to stay with the group A that originally invited you.
How did group B do anything wrong???” becoming_maxine
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, you were invited to this event under the impression of your other friends that you would like this place, and that ended up being true. You invited these friends under the impression that they would like the place too.
They didn’t so they stayed an appropriate amount of time and suggested another place, which you turned down or didn’t respond to. They are not beholden to follow you around all night at a place they didn’t enjoy. Hopefully, you won’t turn this into a huge vendetta against them and destroy friendships over a miscommunication and preferences.” IAmTAAlways
11. AITJ For Not Stopping My Fiancé From Confronting A Friend Who Was Making Passive Aggressive Comments?
“I 26m have been engaged to my fiancé Zaira 26f for six months now. We were friends in high school and only started seeing each other when we were around 22.
We were close in high school ( we were in the same friend group) but drifted apart and reconnected in uni so it’s safe to say I do know her well. She’s a kind person most of the time. However, she knows how to cut deep when the situation warrants it.
I’ve witnessed it at times and she can make people cry.
So one of my friend groups mostly consists of gamers. I don’t hang out with them in person that much because I’m not very social and prefer spending time with my fiancé.
Even during calls I’m mostly muted or don’t talk but I do enjoy their company, I guess I’m just shy. My friends know I have a fiancé and they invited her out with us last night. There are girls in our friend group like two of them and this other girl in our group can be a bit of a pick-me girl.
I’ll call her Emma. She gets along well with the rest of us but sometimes she can be a bit annoying.
So last night we all went out to dinner and the other two girls and my girl were getting along really well. They hit it off until Emma joined us later in the evening.
She started making passive-aggressive backhanded comments to Zaira who initially just rolled her eyes and laughed but I told Emma to stop because I didn’t want the night to end with someone crying. She took this as a joke but stopped messing with Zaira for a while and then she started up again.
I think she was trying to make my fiancé insecure or jealous or something but Emma kept saying how close we were because we were game. Zaira knows I’m not close with her because every time I play with them she is either in my lap or right next to me watching me play.
Emma told Zaira not to worry about her because she wasn’t going to take me away from her. Zaira smiled at her and I knew the night was over. She looked Emma up and down and said ‘You, take him from me? Good luck.’ Emma tried defending herself and brushing it off as a joke but Zaira just kind of let loose I guess.
She called Emma a pathetic excuse of a woman and asked if she needed male validation that desperately or if she was deluded enough to think she(Emma) was more important than her (Zaira) in my life, among other things. I’m not going to lie, I do kind of think it’s hot when she gets like this so I just sat by and watched and Emma started crying and we left after she said thank you to the rest of my friends.
The girls in my group have been messaging me and saying I should’ve stopped Zaira and maybe not let her be so rude and Emma has gone radio silent. My other friends think Zaira is justified and I do too but did she take it too far and should I have stopped her?
CITY
Hi, I have no idea how to update so I’m just going to write it here and hopefully people will read it. I wanna thank everyone who told me I wasn’t a jerk and neither was Zaira. I knew we weren’t wrong I just wanted an unbiased opinion.
A lot of people seem to think that Zaira is a horrible woman who kicks puppies or something. I said that she can make people cry and everyone just assumed she just regularly goes out and makes people cry. She’s made like three people cry, four if you count Emma but I’m 100% certain those were crocodile tears.
Also, my other friends in the group have decided they want some space from Emma and the other girls. A lot of people said Zaira is trying to isolate me when it’s, in fact, the opposite, if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t even have these friends because I frankly have no interest in making a lot of friends.
I also said that I think that Zaira is hot when she gets assertive and stands up for herself and so many people were acting like I said something so gross and disgusting which was weird, like I’m sorry I think my fiancée is hot.
Do you want me to hate her or something?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She did seem to overreact a little, and was very unsubtle, which makes me kind of feel this may be fake. I’ve never seen anyone talk like that in real life. That being said, if this is real, no. Emma started it and anyway, it’s not your job to police Zaira’s language or control her way of defending herself.
Emma shouldn’t dish out if she can’t take it, and sounds like a repulsive person in general. Zaira was right to defend herself, and you are correct for not getting involved. You 2 sound like you have a good relationship, but less can be said about your friends.
Good luck!” Magic_Builder_21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had requested Emma stop the remarks and behavior several times, right? You even warned her the night would end with someone crying if she kept going. She kept going anyway. I think your GF might have been a bit harsh going fully on the offensive, so you could have tried reining her in a little bit, but otherwise, I don’t think you, in particular, are a jerk here.
Does Emma have (suspected) feelings for you in particular or would she have acted the same way towards the partner of one of the other guys in the group?” BlackFenrir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Play stupid games, and win stupid prizes. I hope Emma learned a valuable lesson.
Tell the other girls that Emma got as good as she was giving and that Emma was the one who cast the first stone. Let them know that you were proud of Zaira for standing up to Emma’s bullying and that you are disappointed in them for not stopping Emma’s behavior when it started going south.” Complete_Special_721
10. AITJ For Withholding Rent Until My Flatmate Pays Me Back?
“Me (19F) and my flatmate (20M) moved into a flat 4 months ago.
I had savings from living with my parents and working full time. He did not have sufficient savings to pay 2 weeks advance and bond, so I ended up paying the entirety of the bond for the flat.
We had a falling out in which I made a mistake that hurt him, and he lost trust in me as a friend.
I was desperate to regain his friendship and he was reassuring me that he would be able to forgive me in time, so we decided to keep living together.
After this falling out, he asked me to do a lot of things to regain his trust and allow him to be more comfortable.
I had just moved back to our hometown, so I didn’t know many people and was getting to know his friends and social circle. We also worked together. After our falling out, he asked me to quit my job, to stop being friends or friendly with the people he knew, to stop going to events that he was at, and, most recently, he asked me to move out.
I should note that these were not demands, but rather he said that he was uncomfortable having me in these situations with him and said that, if I were a good friend to him, I would remove myself to make him more comfortable.
He said by proving myself to be a good friend to him, he would begin to trust me again and we could continue our friendship.
As this went on, I started to resent him for making me abandon my life and became aware that our friendship would never be the same. I agreed to move out to distance myself completely from that part of my life, but I made it clear that I expected him to pay me back for his bond before I moved out.
I have since moved out, although I am liable to pay for rent until they find someone new. When he contacted me about other things after I left, I reminded him about the money he owed me. He was unconcerned and blasé about it, telling me I’d get it at some point.
I insisted that he give me a timeline or something before the new tenant came in. When he continued to be unconcerned, I threatened to not pay rent until he paid me back.
This is where I think I might be the jerk. I know he doesn’t have the money to pay me back or pay for my portion of the rent.
He’s not too good at saving and I know that he forgot about the money he owed me until I reminded him a couple of days ago. On top of that, he doesn’t make very good money. He has said that to pay me back in the next couple of weeks he will not be able to eat and to pay for my portion of the bond, both he and our other flatmate will have to borrow money from their parents.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know you feel guilty for whatever went down that warranted his forgiveness (did you reject him when he wanted to be more than friends?). But earning his forgiveness and him owing you money are 2 separate things.
One does not influence the other and should not mean that you have to miss out on the money he owes you (you can’t truly cut ties if there’s still any sort of involvement, even if it’s financial).” Odd-Tangerine1630
Another User Comments:
“NTJ This is easy: He owes you money.
Deduct your rent from that, until all is covered, and THEN start sending money. “I know he doesn’t have the money to pay me back or pay for my portion of the rent. ” .. WHY would you care?” Excellent-Count4009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you did a wrong thing spending time with his ex but he has done so many more wrong things to you since then so who cares!
It doesn’t sound like he can pay you back ASAP, so I think withholding the rent is a good idea but maybe suggest a payment plan. Like, a hundred a week until it’s fully paid. Anyway good luck with all this, it sounds like the friendship is over and you don’t have anyone else so that plus the money has gotta be rough.
Hopefully, you’ve got a plan to get yourself back out there, I’m rooting for you!” Key-Holiday-855
9. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Make Less Food Due To My Weight Loss?
“So I (37m) and my wife (35f) are cooling down from an argument right now based around me telling her point blank to make less food in the future or I’m going to continue not eating it.
The backstory is pretty simple and nothing to the point of threatening our marriage or anything.
I’m getting up in years and as a basketball player and these knees are starting to go. I had eventually reached around 89kg (196lbs) at 176cm (5’9) tall. I knew I had to make a change and at least get down to my previous weight (around 74kg, or 163lbs).
Now I’m down to 70kg! I’m happy with my progress and I’m set on making this my new normal moving forward until old age and beyond.
But my wife isn’t exactly thrilled I’ve shed all the weight. There aren’t love handles for her to play with anymore.
Most devastating for her is I don’t eat nearly as much as I used to. We trade off cooking duties every day and when it’s me, I usually make just enough.
But when she cooks? There is always enough food for another full plate of food.
My wife is tiny so she can’t eat it, and I’m now a dude who doesn’t eat it, either. I always say we can save it and have it for dinner the next day again (I don’t eat breakfast and lunches are provided by my work), and while that worked for a while eventually the leftovers just went in the bin and she’d ask me to cook something new instead.
Although it’s been fine more or less she doesn’t hold back on commenting. To her, men should be eating seconds or thirds. It’s just the Japanese way to her (she’s Japanese and we live in the country), and she always recalled her father enthusiastically asking for seconds and thirds.
She’s feeling more and more ashamed that her husband doesn’t like her cooking.
But I do! Her cooking is fantastic. And I eat as much as I can when she makes it! It’s just she makes too much now. We’ve had talks about her portion sizing, but it’s always gotten back around to letting her cook her way.
This all boiled over earlier tonight when she asked if I wanted a second serving of karaage (a delicious fried chicken) and I said, “Nah, I’m way too full.” She countered with, “Are you just going to throw away all this chicken then? That’s so wasteful.”
I knew I was giving the wrong response immediately, as the words left my mouth, but still, I said it. “YOU are wasting all of this chicken. I told you to make less food. I’ve been telling you for months. I don’t see you eating the chicken, either.
You are the one wasting money and time making all this extra food that I won’t eat, and that’s not going to change.”
Now she’s in bed after a cry, and nothing from me gave her any comfort. And I’m downstairs writing this. I know my response was wrong at the moment, but have I been a jerk about this entire weight loss journey, at least as it pertains to my wife’s cooking?
Should I have just sucked it up and ate all of her food?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s an Asian thing. Food=love. I’m Chinese and my mum is always overcooked. And then, would comment on all our weights. It took over 20 years and all the kids moving out for her to finally cook less, or at least just enough that everything’s finished with no leftovers whenever we visit her.
Just tell your wife you don’t view food the same way. Food’s sustenance. And overeating is a bad habit. At your age, excess weight leads to health problems and if she loves you, she wouldn’t want that for you. Just keep repeating that while reassuring her that you still love her even if you want to eat less of what she makes.” Worth_Chemist_3361
Another User Comments:
“My husband’s pet peeve is food wastage too. I also grew up with a dad and bro who love eating extras so it was a bit of an adjustment for me although my husband does still eat a good amount. I think your wife is not being particularly respectful to your requests and health needs.
She can’t be so close-minded to see things only from her point of view. Tell her you want to live a good long healthy life with her, so it’s in her best interests to cook healthy portions for you. NTJ.” katebex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your wife should talk to my mom.
When I was a kid it hurt my mom’s feelings that I didn’t eat a full child-size serving of her food. She didn’t want to mess up my relationship with food so instead of forcing me to push past my full-feeling she just started serving me half as much, and then sometimes I asked for seconds.
If you buy some smaller plates and have her serve you half the size, then you can excitedly go back for seconds and she’ll know how much you enjoy her cooking.” Big_Zucchini_9800
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Mother's Surgery When She Refuses Help?
“My (f34) mother (f66) was diagnosed with bilateral cataract four years ago and the ophthalmologist (who is my husband) said she needed surgery.
She is going through a hard time when it comes to her health: She’s had knee and wrist surgery in the last couple of years. She still experiences trouble walking, gained a lot of weight, is diabetic, and is depressed. She doesn’t have health insurance.
I love my mom very much but she is a very hard person to offer help to: She refuses to seek medical attention. I found an insurance that covers elderly people (no insurance wants to cover her because of her age and diseases) but she still thought it was way too expensive and said no. She claims that all of this refusal to take care of herself is because she doesn’t have money.
I suggested enrolling her in a government-paid health program but she refused because she didn’t want to physically go to a public hospital. She owns two houses and I have told her many times to sell or at least rent one of them but she doesn’t want to.
I suggested she started selling catalog products so that she could get some extra money but she is bad at it and most of the products she buys never get sold and instead of helping her this idea backfired.
I have two younger sisters (f33, and 30) and we all worry a lot about our mom but ultimately decided that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Also, she never asks for our help.
She says she doesn’t want us to worry about her and that we have our issues to deal with.
The other day my aunt (my mom’s sister f,58) called me and told me she was worried about my mom because she was having trouble seeing in the dark and that she wanted to pay for the cataract surgery.
(This aunt paid for my mom’s wrist surgery). I felt touched and a little guilty about this so at first I said nothing. She insisted and told me to tell her how much would it cost for my husband to operate on my mother and that she would pay for that.
Ultimately I said “thank you” and went to ask my husband. He said he would not charge her but the hospital bills would approximately be 4k dollars.
A day passed and I texted my aunt with the answer. I honestly don’t know who she talked with but she answered: “How come neither you nor your sisters have talked about cooperating to help your mother ?”
I felt this was very accusatory on her part but only answered: “The truth is none of us have the money”.
And it is true: Both of my sisters are really struggling with their debts and even though I am “ok” I have been saving money because I want to start fertility treatments.
I haven’t saved much yet. My aunt answered, “We’ll talk about this later”.
I don’t want to talk about this later I already know she is going to guilt me into paying for this surgery by saying something about family and that this is MY mother we are talking about.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you speak to your aunt, tell her that your mom refused that government program you found. If your mom isn’t willing to accept government aid, that’s her problem, and you shouldn’t be called upon to pay for things that would be covered by the government if she’d just accept it.
It’s your mother’s fault she doesn’t have coverage, not yours. Also, you already ARE helping. Your husband is doing the surgery without pay. That’s plenty of contribution from the two of you.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, refuse to have any conversation with your aunt without your mother and sisters involved too.
Your sisters and you all need to have a strategy meeting before she railroads and guilt you. It seems like a good time to remind your aunt that with your mother’s assets, she is more financially stable than you and your siblings. Also, advise daughters you don’t have the same peer relationship as she does with your mother.
I’d also provide details that you have researched around solutions and they have been rejected, possibly due to you being seen as the child and your opinion seems to be dismissed. Remind yourself that your husband providing his skills for free is a huge contribution too.” gelfbo
Another User Comments:
“Your mother’s mental and physical health will decline without the surgery. Loss of eyesight at her age is no joke and probably exacerbates the insecurity she feels that causes her to not rent out her spare house or have self-confidence. Get her the surgery and offer to manage the house rental for her so she doesn’t have to do all the hassle by herself.
Yes, WIBTJ.” LaughingAtSalads
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Keep Inviting My Cousin To Hang Out With My Friends?
“My aunt and uncle are having a tough time, they moved in with my grandparents, and now my cousin Claire (15 y.o.) is attending the same school as me (16 y.o.)
Claire does have some minor issues that could discourage potential friends, but they really don’t matter compared to the fact that she doesn’t talk to anyone.
Claire immediately ends any conversation that other people try to have with her, and she’s been like that for years.
After moving, my aunt and uncle told me that Claire is scared that she’s going to be bullied again like she was at her last school, and asked me to invite Claire to hang out with me and my friends.
I did, and it went nowhere.
My friends and I tried to start conversations with Claire about herself. But she’d always just be like “sure” or “I don’t know.” She didn’t ask anyone else about themselves. She went on her phone and basically made no real effort back.
I told my family about it, and my aunt and uncle asked me to give Claire another chance. Same story. Claire hung out with my friend group multiple times and she hasn’t shown any indication that she even wants to be there.
School just started, and Claire is not being any different.
According to a friend, Claire actually refused to participate in the class icebreaker and got called to the teacher’s desk after class (He had to get to his other class and didn’t see/hear anything after that.)
My aunt and uncle came to me again and told me that Claire is upset because she can’t seem to make friends, and they asked if she could hang out with me and my friends again.
This time, I told them no. We don’t click in the first place, and honestly have no common interests. She can join a club or talk to people by herself. Think of what they would recommend if I wasn’t at the same school and tell her to do that.
(This is where I was probably the jerk)
I kept talking and said I get she’s having a hard time and maybe won’t let anyone in for fear of being bullied. But nobody wants to chase a person who gives no effort back into a conversation.
And her acting this way is probably the real reason why she isn’t making any friends.
My aunt and uncle went off at me, and they and my parents got into an argument over it. My aunt and uncle told me you’re not gonna have any contact with most of the people you hung out with in high school but Claire will always be my cousin and I need to “get over” myself and help her.
I’m expecting too much and that if I were bullied at my old school, I wouldn’t suddenly feel safe at the new one, and to have some patience and empathy.
I felt I’ve already done enough in the patience and empathy department.
Claire made no effort back and clearly no one can make friends for her. I see the last bit of what I said as a reality check, but my aunt and uncle have basically called it bullying and my parents didn’t really take a stance on it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have made an effort. Other people have made an effort. For whatever reason, she’s not engaged with that and has sometimes actively pushed people away. You’re not responsible for that. If her parents are so worried, then they need to find her some proper help or speak to the school themselves to see what support is available.
They cannot force you or anyone else to be her friend.” naynay2908
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You have offered to help and have followed through. Claire has some sort of social block that seems to need more help than you can give to break through it.
You are not a professional. Her parents need to talk to the school to see if they have any resources that could help Claire since you said they are down on their luck. In the meantime, how well do you know your cousin? Does she have any interests that you can use to introduce her to other people at school that you know but don’t hang out with?
She might just need to find her own people, and you and your friends aren’t it. I am not saying this should be expected of you, but it might be helpful.” Gertrude_D
6. AITJ For Refusing To Move Closer To My Recently Released Mom?
“I want to start this by saying both my parents have issues. My dad is just crazy. We ran away from him when I was 8. My mom has some mental issues that are probably from being married to my dad for 12 years but also means she wasn’t able to be a good mom either.
So, we ran away when I was 8 and were homeless for 3 years because she refused to divorce him I eventually ended up in the hospital and she and her partner ended up in jail.
After the hospital, my auntie (I have no idea if she’s my auntie but that’s what I call her) picked me up and we stayed in a nice hotel for a couple of days then we went to her house.
I even got to fly first class. I’ve been living with her for a little over a year and it’s great. She’s not married and doesn’t have any kids so it’s just me and her. I have my room in her house and I don’t even have to sleep on the couch when her friends come over.
I even got to redecorate my room with new furniture and paint and everything. She even takes me to get my nails done twice a month and I get my hair done every 3 months at an actual salon and I get an allowance and we have movie nights and we go on vacations.
She’s even gonna take me to Disney land.
My auntie works at a place that’s kinda between a hospital and a group home for girls. It’s not a hospital, some girls get to leave for a couple hours a day and a lot of them go to school but I don’t think it’s a group home either because they have doctors and therapists and nurses and stuff like that.
I technically don’t go there but they set up my school so I only go for half days then I eat lunch, do homework, and have therapy and group here. As long as I do most of my homework and participate in therapy and group my auntie is pretty chill.
I got to stay home from school today just because I didn’t want to go.
My mom’s been out of jail for a couple of months and is finally divorcing my dad and now she wants me to move in with someone closer to her because we’re across the country and she can’t leave the state.
My auntie wants me to consider moving because the long-term plan was always for me to go back to my mom eventually but I don’t wanna move. I like it here and I’m doing ok at school and I have some friends and I’m gonna have to get new doctors and therapists and everything and I don’t wanna do that.
My mom is really upset that I don’t wanna be closer to her even though it means she can’t see me at all. My auntie promised she wouldn’t make me move but eventually, it might not be her decision and she thinks it’ll be less traumatic for me if I go on my own instead of someone forcing it.
AITJ for refusing to go back to be closer to my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this isn’t and shouldn’t be about what your mom wants or what is convenient for her. She made her adult decisions and she will reap the consequences of that.
You are a child, and you are finally getting a chance to have support, safety, and a routine that works for you.” KBD_in_PDX
Another User Comments:
“Sounds to me like you’re at least 12. In many jurisdictions, courts give great weight to what children 12 or over want in terms of custody.
Write down what you remember of life with your dad and what life was like when you and your mother were homeless. If your mother takes legal action to get you back, you can ask the court to appoint a lawyer for you, provide the lawyer with this information, and you may then be able to stay with your aunt.” voyageur1066
Another User Comments:
“Well if Auntie is ok with you staying then I think you’re better off. Someday you may not have a choice. Where would you live if you go back? Just because she’s out of jail doesn’t mean she’s in a better place.
Stick it out with Auntie as long as she’ll have you.” Archie3874
5. AITJ For Taking Away The Second Car After My Wife Refused To Pay For It?
“My Wife and I have always only had 1 car until recently. We have a toddler, so she’s been mostly a SAH parent to save on childcare costs until preschool, just working a couple of times a week here and there to spend money. She brings in around $1,000 a month doing this.
I cover all the bills, and I’ve gotten a few raises and promotions over the past couple of years, but not enough to handle 2 car payments.
My Wife has been wanting a car to get around while I’m at work; shopping, events for our kid during the day, etc. I did the math and told her we could only get a second car if she helped pay for some of it, otherwise, I couldn’t afford to pay for it on my own.
We were already leasing a newer SUV at the time that she loved and I didn’t care for, so we agreed that she’d cover a $400 monthly payment and I’d cover insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. She was fine with the plan and agreed.
I spent some weeks looking around, then went and bought a car I liked. Now we have two vehicles.
I didn’t have to pay for the first 60 days on the new car, so let my Wife “save up money” while I continued paying for the SUV payments. 60 days later, my Wife tells me she only has $300 of the $400 and is upset that I expect her to pay for the car she agreed to pay for.
I just have her send the $300, cover the difference, and remind her that I can’t afford two cars, so she must budget the money she earns properly. Keep in mind, she has NO bills aside from like a credit card. The next week, she ran over something in the road and destroyed one of the tires, so I kept up my end and got the tire replaced and another tire patched for a couple hundred bucks.
Next month rolls by and it comes time for the next payment. I remind my Wife that payment is coming due and she simply responds, “I’m not paying it.” At this point, it’s become pretty clear that she had no intent to pay after she paid the $300 from the previous month, continuing to express that she shouldn’t have to pay.
I started talking to her about accountability (which she hated) and told her I’d have to take the car away because she didn’t fulfill her end of the agreement, which she didn’t dispute.
When I got home, I cleaned the SUV out and took it away from the house to a safe location.
When I got back home my Wife was livid. We are now back to one vehicle, which she has full access to when I’m not at work. She has not spoken to me since I took the car away (about a week) and refuses to drive the car we have.
She has been calling Ubers or her friends/family to take her places.
It really just seems like a big accountability problem to me, but I spoke with a couple of family members about it and one believes I’m justified while the other believes I’m dead wrong.
And so, I ask The People. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your wife made an agreement and then has reneged on it and it comes across as she wasn’t intending to contribute in the long run. You’ve made it clear that you can’t afford two cars so I’d either sit down with her and state she either pays the agreed amount or it gets sold.
Sounds like the wife didn’t want to part with her spending money for a car. You probably didn’t need to remove the car, just take the keys.” IamMaggieMoo
Another User Comments:
“Am I the only one wondering what the new car is? Could that have some relevance?
For example, my darling husband bought himself a Porsche. Granted a second-hand Porsche but the commitment to the servicing and repairs by only a qualified Porche place with Porche parts is tremendous. I have now said to him I don’t want to hear we can’t afford something when he’s committed to the car (by the way, we’re now in the second of the second-hand porches.” ContactNo7201
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you can’t afford what you can’t afford. While I can understand some people feel your actions of removing the car to be childish or controlling. You spoke with her before getting the car and explained your limited finances. You spoke to her again when she only gave you $300 and then again when we unilaterally decided she no longer had to pay.
You can’t keep trying to get through to someone who is being unreasonable. I can understand the need to immediately deal with the money pit that is a car your wife is no longer willing to pay for. I would very much be the same if my partner did this.
I like you, would cancel the insurance (to save money) and make sure the car can’t be driven without as it is a liability to others. At least where I live it is illegal to drive without insurance and an uninsured car must be parked somewhere safe like in a garage or driveway.
And then it makes sure the car won’t be in an illegal situation while you look at selling it or giving it back to the leasing company. I absolutely would not be letting my family finances go into debt due to my partner’s reneging on a deal. My children need to be housed and fed as a priority and if your wife can’t see that you being unable to pay the car puts that in jeopardy then she is a selfish fool.” Both-Mud-4362
4. AITJ For Snapping At My Mom Over Disrespecting My Love For My Turtles?
“I (22F), am a reptile lover and happy mother to three little turtles who I love very very dearly.
This morning, I woke up to one of my turtles having some health complications. It was by no means major, but it was enough to be a cause for concern.
I went inside and quickly called our nearest vet specializing in exotic pets. I had no intentions of immediately bringing her in yet because the situation wasn’t an emergency, but I would naturally feel more comfortable getting input from a professional, even if over the phone.
After getting off the phone, my mom called me irresponsible, saying I couldn’t afford the vet visit. I hadn’t even scheduled an appointment yet. I’m well aware of what’s in my bank, and I know it would be enough to pay for a checkup. I’d just have to sacrifice some of my fun money, which I’d be willing to do.
I explained this, and she continued to attempt to shut down the conversation, saying that I couldn’t change her mind and that she didn’t think a turtle was worth taking to a vet.
Both she and my father think that taking my animal to the vet would be irresponsible and that it would be more responsible to, in my mother’s words “just let the turtle pass away if it’s the time.” But my turtle is still young, and not anywhere at an age where this would be considered a natural death.
I asked my mom if she’d feel the same way about our two family dogs, and she immediately said it wasn’t the same because my turtles are not the same as the dogs.
I told her that she was being disrespectful to my relationship with my reptiles because my love for them was equal to the love she had for the dogs, and asked her to try to have empathy and understand why I might be concerned. She said that she and I are never going to see eye to eye and that she’s being respectful simply by letting the turtles live on our back porch.
I have always and always will cover expenses for my animals, and have never asked anyone to cover the cost for something I deem to be my responsibility. But her getting upset with me overvaluing my animal’s health angered me.
Here’s where I may be the jerk.
Amid the argument, I snapped and told her there must be something seriously messed up in her head if she can’t possibly understand what my turtles mean to me. She said me saying that was cruel and rude. Maybe it was, but I think it was a justified statement.
The thing that bothers me the most in all of this is her inability to empathize with my love for my animals. I’m not asking her to love them the way I do. I’m just asking her to understand that I love them. I know if one of them were to pass away, I’d be devastated, and knowing how past situations have gone, most likely be treated like a crazy person for even properly grieving them.
But I don’t even want it to get to that point. Am I losing my mind here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ They’re your babies. Love is love – whether that be your parents loving you or you loving your turtles. Just cause your parents can’t relate, doesn’t mean you’re wrong for loving them.
Your mom is being a heartless, insensitive jerk.” Prize-Bumblebee-2192
Another User Comments:
“Reading between the lines: “You’re 22 and still living at home. Every cent you spend on anything other than planning to move out is one more day before you leave and I’m ready for you to go like it was yesterday.” Obviously, she doesn’t feel like turtle rehabilitation is a justifiable expense, but she likely wouldn’t care..
or even know, if she wasn’t supporting a grown child. Probably she also realizes that having pets… ANY pets, including turtles, will incur a large pet deposit, wherever you plan to rent if having pets doesn’t exclude you entirely. So yet one more obstacle that slows down you getting on with your life.” Restil
3. AITJ For Refusing To Help My ADHD Brother Due To His Attitude?
“My brother(19M) and I (20) are two grades apart. I’m a junior in college and he is a freshman. Our entire lives, my brother has needed extra help with getting things done due to his ADHD. My parents have always encouraged me to help him with his assignments and to make sure he stays on track.
I have always told my parents that their constant coddling would put him behind everyone else because he wouldn’t know how to do anything on his own, and he’d always rely on us to do things for him. My parents never listened and told me that I should just help him until he got out of high school.
Well now he is out of high school, and I’m having to help him even more than before. I always do, because I don’t want him to fail out of school and I want him to be able to drive and get all the things that someone his age needs access to.
The only problem is that my brother can be very mean and stubborn. He refuses to listen to anything my parents have to say, so they make me tell him because they know he’ll listen a little more. He refuses to do anything on anyone else’s time, causing me and my parents to have to take off of work and school and will make himself late for appointments by waiting until the last minute to get ready.
If any of us even try to tell him to hurry up, he gets upset. He also refuses to go to therapy or try any sort of ADHD medication, even non-stimulants.
Yesterday was the last straw. He asked me to take him to his driving test so he could finally get his license.
I said yes. He asked me where the insurance papers were and I told him we had them in the car. He said that he needed to make a copy of the papers to give to the people at the driver’s test. I told him that we were running late and that he could just give them the one that was in the car already.
He refused to listen, saying that he needed “to make a copy” and then went back inside to print one. He came back out with a copy of the papers we already had, and I told him he had just made us late for no reason.
He told me it was my fault for not saying that the papers in the car were “copies” and that we should just hurry up and go. He kept saying “whatever” and telling me to “shut up” and I told him I wasn’t going to help him with anything anymore.
I turned the car around and took him back to the house, telling him to take an Uber.
When we got back to the house he called me a colorful array of words, including jerk, and slammed the door. I know that people with severe ADHD can have a very hard time doing things without help especially if they aren’t on medication.
He relies on me for a lot, especially academically. Now I’m wondering if I should have just put up with it so he doesn’t have to do these things on his own. So am I the jerk for refusing to help him because of his attitude?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being frustrated with your brother. It sounds like you love him, and he is lucky to have you. As a mom of someone with ADHD, I would ask that you try to remain patient with him. I know it’s super hard, but people who have ADHD are 30% behind their peers in maturity.
This means that your brother’s mental maturity is that of a 13yo. That is the maturity of a middle schooler. Your relationship with him will be greatly improved if you can think of him as a 13yo without flinging that info in his face.
And maybe share this with your parents, so they don’t push him too hard. https://honestlyadhd.com/adhd-executive-age/” swag_mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ll assume that he’s had support in school that helped him address issues of lateness, organization, etc. While he is still being supported by your parents – literally and figuratively — he needs to work on being an adult.
He may stumble, and even fall, but better to do it now than in 5 or 10 years when he might find himself having difficulties because he exhibits this same behavior at work or in a relationship.” AndrosGirl
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Both my brother and I have ADHD, and his behavior is not excusable.
I wasn’t diagnosed until about 5th grade, but he was diagnosed younger. As he has other difficulties as well, my parents tried to do the same thing, until I got a job and went back to school. IE I had valid excuses to not be available most of the time.
Your parents are at fault for not forcing him into therapy and getting him medicated as soon as they realized he had ADHD. While it’s true minor cases can be managed without medication, your brother has a more severe case (IMO) and his tendencies have been enabled by your parent’s coddling.
Get your stuff together and move out. Otherwise, you will be forced to keep assisting. Your brother and parents are riding for a fall, and trust me while sitting on the sidelines with popcorn is tempting… it’s not worth it.” Dreams_of_Voids
2. AITJ For Not Being Able To Match My Friend's Gift-Giving Habits?
“Me (17F) and my bestie friend (17M) have been friends for two years and a half. He is a huge gift-giver. Generally, he spends a lot of money buying stuff for himself but also for other people, which was very surprising to me when I first started being his friend because I had never had any friend that buys so many things and makes gifts so often, but hey!
That’s cool! The only thing is I’ve never been like that myself, and I don’t even have my own allowance or credit card unlike him, who sometimes receives a thousand dollars from his rich grandma or just receives money from his mom if he simply asks.
So I can’t have the liberty of buying that many things for him in return, since that would imply me having my mom and dad pay for them, and I’m already embarrassed of asking for them to give me money to buy myself anything.
They only give me money when it’s my birthday or when I go out with friends, so whenever I get my own money, sorry, but I’d rather spend it on my own. Something I don’t get the liberty of doing unlike he does all the time.
I always felt guilty when he gave me things but he usually said it was fine and that he just likes giving others gifts because yeah, his love language is gift-giving.
The thing is, he got upset at me and overall also others in general because he realized he doesn’t receive as much as he gives.
He got mad at me because I don’t buy him food as often as he gets me food or get him presents as often as he gets me presents. I’m not sure if this is off topic so I apologize if it is but I feel like it’s also worth noting that he was also mad about the fact that he invites me to his family parties a lot more and to outings with his family (like when they go shopping) while I barely do that.
The reason I barely do that is because my family doesn’t have parties. Because we’re new to the United States and they don’t have friends unlike his parents do. And when I go out with my family, my parents prefer spending it as a family rather than having other friends over, while I guess he doesn’t have a good relationship with his family.
I always felt guilty about these differences, but I couldn’t control them. I really can’t and he knows I don’t even buy myself things often or that my family doesn’t have festivities for me to invite him to. But alas he’s very upset at me because I guess I seem like I don’t even try.
Or that I don’t put in effort?
I told him that he has to accept that people aren’t gonna always be able to give him the same amount of gifts he gives, and that if that imbalance bothers him then he should stop giving gifts as often to those who don’t.
To you know, balance it out and make it more fair. Rather than making people feel forced to buy him a gift back, even though they’re gifts and not favors. I believe that you shouldn’t do or give good things just because you expect it back.
But If you don’t receive it back, then don’t keep doing it.”
Another User Comments:
“As someone who is a gift giver, I can say that until I figured out that other people have different love languages it bothered me a lot because I thought it meant other people didn’t care about me as much as I did them.
Once I realized that other people show their love in different ways it made me feel a lot better and cared for. (Example: my best friend is someone who shows love through acts of service and words of affirmation) I would talk to him about love languages and explain how you show your love and care is different.
Also, I will say maybe you can try making something instead of buying it. (I would ask him like “Would you value something I hand make you as much as something I buy you?) if the answer is yes maybe try writing notes, drawing a picture, or making little things to give him to make him feel like you care.
But honestly in the long run he needs to understand not everyone is a gift-giver. Also, not everyone has the financial ability like him to give gifts like he does and it’s not selfish for people to spend what little money they have on themselves instead of him.
You are NTJ. I hope this helped a little.” Jace_black99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You and others can’t match what he does and he must understand that it isn’t what the gift cost but the thought behind it. So it isn’t fair of him to expect you and everyone to spend the same as he does.
The solution is simple, have the group including him hold a limit on the amount everyone should pay for gifts and not exceed that. Then he won’t feel slighted and the rest won’t be spending more than they can afford to do so.” PumpkinPowerful3292
Another User Comments:
“Your friend’s love language is gift-giving, but he needs to realize that not everyone can match that, especially when money is tight. You’re not the jerk here. Friendships shouldn’t be measured by how much money is spent but by the quality of the bond.
It’s okay to set boundaries and explain that showing you care doesn’t always mean buying gifts. If he’s giving with the expectation of getting something back, maybe it’s time for an honest conversation about what friendship means” MathematicianCool319.
1. AITJ For Wanting My Partner's Friend To Admit Her Wrongdoings Before Starting Fresh?
“Me and my partner have been together for 2.5 years. We met at the end of university and we had a few issues at the start of our relationship.
These issues were made worse by various friend groups taking sides. However, since finishing university we have had a much more stable and positive relationship.
However, one of my partner’s friends (whom I have only met a couple of times) has maintained some resentment towards me from this time.
I was unaware of this until about one year into our relationship when I found out from my partner that she still occasionally made comments about our past to my partner as a sort of reminder that I’m not that great.
This friend has also claimed that I have warped my partner into being a worse person after she made a joke that the friend felt was inappropriate.
This was rejected by my partner at the time who insisted she had always been that way. I felt particularly targeted in this instance because this friend doesn’t know me on a personal level.
All this has led to me having a pretty negative view of this girl.
I can understand why she would still be cautious of me however I feel she has been undermining our relationship by so openly and repeatedly sharing her concerns about me with my partner.
This has also meant that in the few times I have been at events with this friend, I have felt rather unwanted and uncomfortable.
This is especially true since she is the sort of loud and extroverted person to sort of take charge and do a lot of the talking at these events.
Anyway, the last few weeks have been a difficult time for my partner as a result of some health issues.
In this time I have been supportive and done what any partner would do.
The other day her friend attempted to befriend me on social media. I was hesitant to accept because I still felt she had been treating me unfairly. However, she started pestering my partner and asking why I hadn’t accepted it so I relented and, after talking it over with my partner, sent her a message to clear the air and set out how I felt her actions had been unfair to me in the past.
This was met with a message from her that acknowledged there had been bad blood between us but that she wanted to have a fresh start. However, there was no acknowledgment of any wrongdoing.
I could have merely accepted this but I felt as though she should have at least acknowledged that the way she had treated me and disrespected our relationship had been unfair.
So I sent a slightly more argumentative message back which outlined all the bad things she had done.
This has angered my partner who thinks I should have just accepted that she wanted a fresh start and moved on. However, I truly feel that she should at least acknowledge that she has been unfair to me and our relationship.
Should I have just let it go and moved on? Or is it reasonable to expect some sort of admission of wrongdoing from her?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re wrong for having resentment. However, if it were me I’d accept and just start fresh for my partner’s sake. She is kind of stuck in the middle unfairly.
Again, not your fault. But I’d take the higher road on this one. ” RunAfter3471
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