People Hope For Unanimous Decisions On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing My Mother-In-Law Visits With Her Granddaughter After She Accused Me Of Having An Affair?
“My husband (29) and I (21) had dealt with a lot of drama and relationship issues after I gave birth to our daughter.
We have been together since I was 18 and got married when I was 19.
We had a good, trusting relationship but there was a shock to everyone when I gave birth to our daughter.
She didn’t have the appearance of having both of her parents being white, she had darker skin, brown eyes, and came out with thick, dark curly hair.
My husband and I both have light-colored hair and light colored eyes and white skin.
Everyone thought I had been unfaithful to my husband, which I never had. It was an awful moment in my life because I felt alone, even my husband thought I had been unfaithful to him and left me in the hospital alone because his mom convinced him to leave.
No one visited me because my mother-in-law posted pictures of my daughter on social media calling me unfaithful, I didn’t even see her take those pictures.
My husband didn’t reply to any of my texts ignoring my pleas to get a DNA test, I had to stay at my sister’s house for a month until I was able to convince him to get one, which proved without a doubt that he was the father to my daughter.
My husband apologized profusely to me and allowed me back in our home and honestly ever since he treated me the way he did when I gave birth to our daughter I felt different towards my husband and even a little distant.
Even after the DNA test, my mother-in-law kept going on about how I had been unfaithful and called my daughter racial slurs and me every name in the book, she spread awful rumors about me and claimed the DNA was fraudulent and said she’d never treat that child as her granddaughter.
Recently my mother-in-law asked to visit our daughter and referred to her as her granddaughter. I don’t know what changed her but it made me feel uncomfortable so I refused.
My husband was angry at me that I did and thinks it gives a moment to help his mother bond with our daughter and even said it’s a child’s right to get to know their grandparents.
I don’t know. I feel uncertain about this especially since she never even apologized.
AITJ for refusing my mother-in-law visits with her granddaughter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I would seriously rethink my marriage though. Your husband was involved with a barely legal teen, then after having his child he kicked you out and would not respond to you and allowed his mother to treat you like this.
You deserve better than this person and the way he treats you, he is not a good partner.” pookapotomuses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t just refuse the mother-in-law access, I would leave the husband as well. “He allowed you to move back into your shared home”?
And now he is angry because you can’t immediately get over the horrible way his family (and him) have treated you? Honey, you and your beautiful daughter deserve so much better than this. What a horrible thing to have to go through, but please get counseling and re-evaluate your relationship.
Good luck.” lilEve77
Another User Comments:
“Your mother-in-law slandered you, helped drive a wedge between you and your husband, and used racial slurs to describe your daughter. She should begin with a public apology as big as the slanderous lies she spread about you. Your husband should be the one demanding this, not you.
That he is defending his mother is concerning. You need to prepare for the possibility that he will never put you and your daughter first. NTJ.” type1error
20. AITJ For Redecorating My Christmas Tree After My In-Laws Decorated It?
“So I (30f) and my partner (32m) recently purchased our first home and are looking forward to spending our first Christmas in it.
I haven’t had a Christmas tree in 15 years and I’ve been quite excited to have another one this year. We agreed to wait till my partner’s parents were in town so they could go cut the tree with us, which I was totally fine with.
Some backstory on me: I have ADHD as well as a mild case of OCD and the combo tends to make me fairly (and sometimes unreasonably) particular about how things look. I also grew up with a mother who also has the same tendencies, and our Christmas tree decorating included a measuring tape so we could get everything evenly spaced out – so I’m that level of neurotic.
After we got the Christmas tree, we took it home and the inlaws decided to put up the lights because they “are in charge of lights”. I just sat there while this happened. Once done, the tree looked like Christmas had thrown up all over it.
The lights were hung vertically and only on one side of the tree, instead of wrapping around, and same with the garlands. I realize that this is far from a life and death problem, but it broke my brain.
After they left, I stared at it all evening and got progressively more and more worked up about it.
Eventually, at about 1 am I took everything down and did it myself. My partner doesn’t care either way but said that they may think I’m a jerk for changing it.
My thought process on this is that it’s our first tree together, I would have liked to decorate it with him the way we like it and not just sit there while the inlaws do everything.
They are coming over tonight to finish decorating it, and I’m pretty sure they are going to be mad. Did I screw up by doing this? I don’t want to create drama but I also don’t see how this is reasonable for them to expect.
So AITJ? Thoughts are appreciated!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why are they coming over to finish if this is something that you want to do with your partner? You two should finish it and there is no need for them to contribute. They should not try to take over, but you shouldn’t have them come over to help if you don’t want the help.” Complex-Lemon-371
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but text them saying “Hi, I’ve decorated the tree with partner and it’s all done. If you still want to pop over for a cup of tea you’re welcome, but the tree is finished. Thanks.” And then if they do show up and start anything, be very clear and firm ideally with your partner saying “this is OUR tree, and you are not welcome nor wanted to touch it further.
Have some manners like a guest should.” Please do start setting boundaries as they sound like a nightmare in waiting! Please don’t tell me they have a set of keys as well…” throwawayj38sld
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your in-laws are the jerks for not consulting you and just expecting that whatever they do is perfectly fine, obviously.
Your tree, your house, etc. You’re the jerk for sitting back and letting it happen. You did nothing wrong in being upset about how the tree looked but had you stated plainly how the whole decorating process was going to be done you could have avoided this mess.
Instead you passively observed a tree get turned into a child’s attempt at putting on makeup for the first time. Lipstick smeared everywhere and all. If you’re lucky they won’t notice the difference or care enough to say anything but I doubt that the meticulously placed and evenly spaced lights will fly under the radar.
When they confront you about it you’re going to need to explain the entire reason why you do it this way, hope they are understanding, and then show them how you measure everything so they can still be part of the tree-decorating process.
BTW, this is something that you may need to learn to be a little more disorganized about.
It sounds like tree decorating was a very stressful operation in your home growing up. My family doesn’t do Christmas but when I have helped decorate other people’s trees it often had a healthy dose of chaos, especially if small children were involved. If this is one of many things that puts you in such a state of anxiety that you’re unable to sleep then you may need some professional help.
Good luck navigating this” B***************r
19. AITJ For Calling My Dad's Younger Partner 'Mum' Despite My Wife's Discomfort?
“I never had a mother.
Not because of any unfortunate reasons, but my father just adopted me (34M today, 3y/o at the time) as a single dad and never married. He was an awesome father, and I’m so proud of him for so many reasons. His relationship habits, not one of them.
To be blunt, Dad used to be a serious philanderer. My entire life growing up was a revolving door of women, always aged between 19 to 26. They always ended more or less for the same reason after a few months. But then came Cleo.
When I was 26, Dad met Cleo (21 at the time).
I don’t know what it was about her, but they worked. I swear on my shiny Espeon that she’s the longest, healthiest relationship he’s ever been in. They’re still together, and given that my dad really doesn’t have a lot, I’m skeptical to believe it’s anything but genuine.
Here’s the thing. I’ve never had a mother figure. I’ve also always got along really well with Cleo. She’s one of my dearest friends. It was Christmas around year 3 of their relationship (I think) when I went through the checklist of what I’d have wanted from a mother when I realized she hit pretty much all of the checks.
She respected my boundaries, was kind, supportive, took a healthy interest, etc.. So, one day, more as a joke than anything, I called her “Mum”. It just sorta kept? It has become a term of endearment as much as it is a nickname, and I’ve been calling her mum ever since.
Well, the other day my son, 3yo, called Cleo grandma, and my wife (36F) did not like it. She took me aside later and told me it was time I stopped calling Cleo “mum” because it’s now ‘confusing’ our kid. She also said it’s not right to be calling someone ‘so much younger than me’ mum in the first place, and admitted to me she’s never been comfortable with it, thinking it’s gross.
I want to make it clear I started seeing my wife after I started calling Cleo “mum”.
I told my wife that there’s no harm in it, and that her not liking it is a ‘her’ problem. I also made it clear that I wasn’t going to stop calling Cleo something I’ve been calling her for the past 4-5 years just because she wasn’t comfortable with it, and her being younger than me has nothing to do with the reason I call her “mum”.
Well, this has become a serious argument now, and I’ve been called a massive jerk by my wife for deliberately and knowingly continuing to do something she doesn’t like this much. My wife actually got Cleo involved. She thinks that it’s not worth sacrificing my relationship with my wife over.
Dad thinks we’re both jerks for how we’re handling it, but also neither of us are jerks for our reasons.
Guys?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The relevant people have no issue with it and it sounds like a healthy relationship. What disturbs me is that your wife became upset when the child started calling someone who is presumably filling the grandma role by that title.
She needs to chill out and be thankful that your child has grandparents.” Beneficial_Cloud5481
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think your wife is in the wrong and handling this poorly but she isn’t a jerk. She clearly had a problem with you calling your dad’s partner “mum” but kept that to herself.
Now that her kid is calling her “grandma” the issue has come to a head. So she is wrong for not communicating well and escalating things, but she isn’t a jerk for having feelings about the issue. Maybe it makes her feel old or she thinks your dad’s relationship with Cleo won’t work out, or something.
I think you guys just need to find the time and space (I suggest couple’s therapy) where she can address what is bothersome to her about it and you can explain what is important to you about it. That should help. I’m assuming Cleo and your dad are fine with this arrangement?
A lot of people have atypical family structures and it all works out. You guys just need to have a real conversation about it.” HVTS
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can understand why your wife isn’t comfortable with it because she doesn’t want her son to grow up internalizing your father’s obsession with youth, and if he grows up calling a 29-year-old “grandma” what’s he going to think about women who are actually old enough to be grandmothers?
But it isn’t your fault that your stepmom is the only mother figure you’ve known and it’s great that you have a good relationship with her. I think you both need to have a calm, reasonable discussion about this, in which she has to acknowledge and support your relationship with your parents, and you have to assuage her fears that your son will grow up in a dysfunctional or sexist environment.” blinkingsandbeepings
18. AITJ For Not Feeling Comfortable Around My Partner's Manipulative Mom?
“I (F22) and my partner (M23) have been together for almost 2 years. Honestly, I’m just going to list off some things his mom has done.
1) (Most recent) He is graduating this December, He got 9 graduation tickets.
He said he wanted all 3 siblings, his parents, his grandmothers, and me. That’s 8. We sat down to dinner with his family and he said “graduation is this date. I got 9 tickets, one of them is for her (me).” His mom said “oh, I forgot you were graduating” then uninvited me from graduation right then and there saying that my partner’s uncle and the uncle’s 3rd wife needed to be at graduation.
When my partner said “She is important to me, I want her there” his mother said, “well a couple of years ago you would’ve said the same about (his ex who really hurt him).”
2) A few months ago we were set to go on a trip to DC that was really important to me.
4 days after hearing that the trip was definitely happening, my partner’s mother scheduled a family vacation for the same week. We pushed our trip a day back so he could spend three days on the family trip before we left for DC. His mother was so mean to him as he was leaving their cabin so that he could meet me on the way to DC, saying that they had so many plans for the next few days that he’d be missing out on.
His family ended up leaving the cabin two hours after he did because there was nothing else to do then.
3) Last year my partner’s mom forgot his birthday. So this year I was going to plan something to do for for his birthday with his mom so that she could get some credit for it.
I told her that I was planning a party all around his favorite film franchise. I told her about the types of decorations I would use and the games we could play. And I told her I would take care of all of that, all she would have to do is let me into the house the day of his birthday while I got his best friend to distract him.
She said she’d love to help, and then proceeded to not answer my calls or texts for a month. His birthday finally rolls around and I’ve changed my plans since his mom wouldn’t answer and have made it so I can throw the party elsewhere.
On his birthday he suddenly tells me that he can’t hang out that day and that they’re having a small just family gathering at his house, Mom’s orders. Relieved that his family was at least doing something I say nothing except “that’s great!
Have fun baby!” and contact his friend to move the party to a different day. His best friend calls me and says “what do you mean the party is off, partner’s mom said it’s happening at the house.“ His mom had taken everything I told her, thrown the party I planned, and then uninvited me from it.
These are just a few of the things that happened. My partner and I have been talking about announcing we are engaged and even have a ring, but I’m worried that will make things between his mom and me even worse. AITJ for saying I don’t feel comfortable around his mom/telling her about our plans?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but time for some hard hard conversations with your partner.
1) Does he recognize that she’s doing this stuff? If he can’t see it he can’t change it.
2) Is he willing to rock the boat with her? If she’s been brainwashing him since he was a baby he might not be willing to and you DON’T want to get in the middle of that.
3) Are you both willing to jointly set limits with her? If he says he’s willing, the next step is a solid 1-year engagement where HE is the one you’re evaluating. You already know she’s manipulative, the question now is whether he’s willing to change their dynamic: 1) Once you’re engaged he meets alone with his family and explains that he’s now committing to your relationship and they need to be polite.
2) No more “family only” events. You’re now family. You’re invited or he doesn’t come. 3) No insults or rudeness. 4) No schedule overrides unless someone is in the hospital. If you guys announce a vacation, no family trip rides over it. Again, all these messages come from him not you.
Work collaboratively with him but don’t lose focus on thing one – this is your chance to evaluate his limit setting and boundary skills.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to let your partner know how much her behavior bothers you, especially if you’re engaged and will be planning the wedding soon.
You do not want his mother changing all the aspects of it without your say-so. I’d honestly plan a list or a limit of what his mother can control when it comes to planning the wedding. If she oversteps that, uninvite her.” PoisonIvyNumberFivey
17. AITJ For Still Wanting To Go To The Club Where My Friend's New Partner Works?
“The other week I went to a gay club I’ve been going to since I was 19 with my friend (I’ll call him Andrew).
I took Andrew there for the first time and we had a really good time together. Andrew started hitting it off with the bartender (I’ll call him Jason) the first night we were there and now it turns out they’re seeing each other and I’m so happy for them!
The thing is, I just spoke to Andrew and he told me I shouldn’t go to that club on nights that Jason is working now that he’s seeing him. I found this very confusing considering Andrew knows I’ve been going to this club for years and always have a good time there.
It’s one of the few clubs in NYC that I actually feel safe and comfortable going to. I even was the one who introduced Andrew to that club. I asked Andrew what his issue is with me going there and he said:
“I don’t want you to go unless Jason says otherwise.
I just don’t want you to go because I wanna protect Jason – and what I mean by that is people are weird to bartenders and I don’t want him to get scared regardless of your intentions but he’s a big boy and he won’t care but all I’m saying is DON’T because we will have a problem.”
And I just find this really confusing?! Just because my best friend is now seeing the bartender of the club I love going to doesn’t mean I should be banned from going to that club, even on nights Jason is working. I literally have no nefarious intentions and wouldn’t even talk to Jason if I saw him there working, but even if I did talk to Jason, Andrew shouldn’t take issue with this.
Jason literally follows me on Instagram and is nice to me and even approached me the second night I was there to say hello and wished me and my partner a good time. I think Andrew is just in the paranoid “no one can even be in the same room as my partner” phase, even though he and Jason have only been seeing each other for less than a week and Jason most likely wouldn’t have any issue with me being a regular patron at that bar every time I’m back in NYC.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, unless you have a history of acting inappropriately with bar staff (which doesn’t seem to be the case) there’s no reason to assume you would somehow make him more uncomfortable than the hundreds of other patrons he’ll encounter that night.
Andrew is being creepy and infantilizing towards someone he’s literally just met as well as incredibly disrespectful to you.” Sk111W
Another User Comments:
“Translation: “I don’t want you to go to that club because I am wildly insecure and am afraid Jason will like you more than me.” Go to the club.
If Andrew is that possessive and insecure, that relationship probably won’t last long anyway. NTJ.” whorlando_bloom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend doesn’t own the club and absolutely doesn’t own his partner. He sounds controlling. I would definitely try to get an answer from him but regardless if you do you have every right to go to that club.
Do your thing and have fun. No need to feel guilty over other people’s insecurities.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner Didn't Take Care Of Me Post-Surgery?
“I just had jaw surgery a few days ago and I asked my partner if he could take care of me after the surgery. He said he’d be happy to. I told him I would have to be on a liquid diet for a few days and I showed him where I kept the soups & medicines.
The day after the surgery, he takes me home and we both fall asleep on the couch. I was drowsy from the medicines. He was also asleep. He loves his sleep and could be in a coma if his body allowed it.
I was well enough to be up and about.
So I fixed breakfast/lunch for myself without needing his help. (He was asleep most of the time he was here anyway). He woke up midday and asked if I had taken my medicines. I told him I had already taken two dosages while he was sleeping.
At this point, I was annoyed with him for sleeping the entire time he was supposed to take care of me and even forgot to give me my medicines.
I told him he could go home since I was well enough and didn’t need help.
He apologized that he couldn’t do much for me and then blamed me for not telling him what to do. I told him I couldn’t talk so I couldn’t exactly “tell” him what I wanted and honestly it was easier to do things for myself than to stop and text it out to him.
Besides, we had already discussed this. I just needed food and medicine. I don’t think I was asking for too much from him and yet he’s telling me I gave him no direction and was setting him up to fail.
I told him I only needed him to warm up my soup and to give me medicine when I needed it.
The directions are on the labels. Is that so hard to read?
I assumed I’d be out of it because of the surgery and I’m glad I was able to do everything on my own without relying on my partner. Who just slept and didn’t help at all.
He even saw me tie up the trash bins and didn’t offer to help me take out the trash. That was the saddest part of the experience for me.
AITJ for asking him to leave since he’s so incompetent and being mad at him for being clueless?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would also be very upset if I had major surgery and my partner couldn’t bother to help take out the garbage when you should be resting after surgery. Honestly this a major red flag for a relationship and you need to consider if this is someone you can have a future with – what if, god forbid, you had an accident or needed surgery in the future and he continues to behave this way?
Who will take care of you then?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made simple, clear requests of your partner. If he can’t even heat soup and administer pills, what would happen if you were REALLY sick or injured and couldn’t care for yourself at all?
He’d leave you high and dry, based on this fiasco. You’re supposed to be able to rely on your partner and he’s proven himself to be just the opposite. I’d be re-evaluating this relationship if I were you.” Lauralai_22
15. AITJ For Leaving My Negligent Landlord Without Notice?
“I live in a house with 4 other people. I pay month to month with no leasing contract.
My favorite roommates finally got word that they are pregnant and that the home they have been trying to buy is theirs and will be moving out at the end of December. My home sucks. It’s a merry-go-round of people moving in and out and I’m sick of it.
My landlord is trash and never does any repairs to the house. We are basically paying for him to go to college and go travel wherever he wants. We pay the power bills, garbage, and water plus rent which comes out to around $700 a month for each person but the new girl.
I would like to add finding a place to live in my area is almost impossible and rent for a 1 bedroom is around $900 a month. I’m already paycheck to paycheck.
Recently my grandparents were put into assisted living and have a 3 bedroom home that no one will be living in.
My parents told me that if I want it and can find a job in that state, it’s mine to do with as I please as long as I leave one of the bedrooms open for them when they come to visit my grandparents.
The deal is way too good to pass up because the only thing I have to pay is the bills to keep the house up and running and take my grandparents to appointments and pick up their groceries.
My landlord and I are somewhat friends even though he’s a terrible person to rent from because he never keeps his promises in regard to fixing the house.
My parents don’t think I should tell him and just get my stuff and get out as fast as possible. The married couple I’m really close with also told me the same thing. The other roommate that lives here heard my conversation with my parents and said I would be a total jerk to just leave without even giving him a notice because that will put him in a bind because he has stayed debt-free due to my rent over the last 3 years living here.
This new roommate and he are sleeping together FYI so she is not paying for basically anything. Would I be the jerk if I just dipped and went to a new state without saying anything?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Move out as fast as you can, get everything.
Apologize via text (when everything is out) saying family emergency, don’t give him a forwarding address. Block him if he acts up. An aside – sometimes you can get really cheap one-way truck rental deals from Penske, depending on where they expect to need trucks.
Check out renting a 12 or 16-foot box van.” Smokey_Katt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is no actual leasing contract. Sounds like your roommates suck too. Since they know you’re moving out, they can start looking for people themselves. Seems like the landlord won’t be too particular if there has been a revolving door of people moving in and out.
Not sure where you are, but unless the landlord takes you to small claims court, not much will come of you just leaving besides annoying some people. Landlord sounds too lazy to really do that and even if they did, doubt they would be able to demand much more than a month’s worth of rent.
When you rent the room out in your new place, get an actual contract, unlike your current landlord.” RamenNoodles620
Another User Comments:
“Give him notice today and get out ASAP. I moved out of a slum place without proper notice…and he didn’t even try to come after me.
Probably because 1. He “fixed” a leak in the ceiling by taking my dining room table from the backyard (it was propped against a storage shed until I could reorganize and fit it in.
2. I tried to tell him there was a leak in the wall behind the washer.
He told me I was wrong. A toddler tripped over his feet and fell against it. The wall crumbled and I showed him the leak.
3. He put a space Heater in the pump house during a winter freeze. Burned it down. And we were without water for 7 days, with a newborn on formula.
Swore he was fixing it. Did nothing until I called the health department and asked who I reported that issue to…I had water the next day
4. He tried to come into my house when he thought no one was there. How do I know this?
Because I was on the couch with a new baby when he opened the door and I threatened him with police interference since in my state, a landlord cannot enter a residence unless it’s an emergency without prior notice. He probably felt it wise not to whine about “proper notice.”” sparksgirl1223
14. AITJ For Moving My Partner's Clothes From The Dryer Without Folding Them?
“My 37M partner just moved in with me (24F). Things have been going OK aside from the occasional bickering.
He has a ton of clothes.
When he moved in, he moved everything in with garbage bags and laundry baskets. The last 2 weeks or so I had spent hours doing his laundry, folding, hanging stuff up. I just can’t keep up. There’s too much and it’s too unorganized. I have one washer and one dryer.
He will leave clothes in the dryer for days (not sure if he expects me to fold them or what). Well, I had to wash my clothes. They had been in the wash for maybe 15 hours and clothes get a weird smell if they sit too long.
I work during the day, so I didn’t really have time to fold my partner’s laundry; I just moved the clothes from the dryer to the bed so I could put my clothes in the dryer.
He lost it on me and said you can’t fold clothes when they’re cold, as in not fresh out of the dryer, and that I wasn’t doing him any favors moving it and that he’d never do that to me.
Basically said he would have to rewash everything (not sure why). Well of course he’d never do that to me because I remove my clothes once they’re done but that’s beside the point.
AITJ for taking his clothes out of the dryer and not folding them?
I feel like I might be. On the other hand, I work full time and do most of the cleaning and cooking and I feel it’s not fair he just expected me to fold all his clothes or just wait however many days it would take him to do it before doing my own laundry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The age difference just sends flags. By his deliberate incompetence, he’s slowly conditioning you to do his housework because bickering takes too much effort vs folding his clothes for him. Just keep tossing them out. Eventually, he will run out of clothes and have to do them himself.
Please make sure YOU don’t help him like you did the other time.” residentcaprice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This has all the markers of an emotionally abusive relationship in the making. He is nearly old enough to be your parent. Red flag #1. He is blaming you for things he should be doing.
Red flag #2. He is gaslighting you about your response…I know because you’re already doubting yourself this quickly into moving in together. Red flag #3. Girl…run!” designated_floater
13. AITJ For Choosing My Future FIL To Give Me Away At My Wedding Instead Of My Mom?
“I 26F am getting married to my fiancé 26M in 10 months. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s been amazing. We’ve spent the majority of the relationship with his family as my grandparents passed when I was 16 and I was raised by a single mother, whom I never had a great relationship with.
Time with my immediate family has been nonexistent since my grandparents’ passing. I was financially emancipated after receiving my inheritance and left home at 17. I spent 1 holiday with my family from age 17-21. No one in my family ever replied regarding holiday plans, nor made arrangements as they all typically attend their spouses’ family holidays.
I became used to not seeing my family. I typically spent holidays working or would join a friend’s event when offered. I text my family on holidays and birthdays to usually just receive “thanks” or “you too”.
I saw my mom, and her siblings’ (2 brothers, 1 sister) families individually and they met my partner, showing little interest in the arrangement and simply carrying on with their days while we were present making very little effort to converse with us.
18 months into my relationship with my partner I explained I was more than okay with attending only his family holidays.
Fast forward to the engagement. I’m still only in contact with family through holiday wishes texts and social media updates. I invited my mom and her siblings to the wedding.
My mom then insisted she should be the one to give me away. I became irate and reminded her that she as well as her siblings have treated me as an outsider since moving to another state and ignored all of my attempts to spend time together, especially for important family times such as holidays.
I explained I wouldn’t allow her to try and walk back into my life just for one moment and continue the same neglect I’ve experienced since my teens. I then told her that my soon-to-be FIL (who was aware of my family situation) requested “the honor of giving me away at the wedding as he already sees me as his daughter.” Mom and I had a long phone call following, including her stating she will not attend if I choose FIL.
My uncles and aunt then began calling me each stated that they would not RSVP unless I allowed my mom to give me away.
While on the phone with my aunt she mentioned that roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce and if I choose to continue with my decision, I will have lost my immediate family who “have always been there for me”, and risk ending up with no one if I lose my “new family” too.
That was the one conversation that made me nervously question my decision, but I still feel like I already lost my immediate family.
After careful consideration, I am still allowing future FIL to give me away and my family has made it very clear they will not attend and have not been shy to tell me how selfish I am.
My fiancé’s family backs me up 100%, my immediate family now hates me.
AITJ for my choice?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in any form or fashion. And future FIL sounds lovely. Honestly, it sounds like it might be a relief not to have your mother and her siblings at the wedding — who knows what kind of shenanigans they might pull.
Congratulations on your wedding!” Jonny-Pasadena
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is no way you should give in to the blackmail your family is engaging in. Your FIL sounds loving and respectful of you, and your decision to have him walk with you seems like the perfect solution.
If your family elects to boycott, that sounds more like a desirable bonus than a punishment.” moonebeam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m curious as to how they think they can further punish you since they’ve been excluding you and ignoring you for years. Don’t even do them the courtesy of giving a darn about this nonsense.
I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful and it’s very thoughtful of your future FIL to offer to walk you down the aisle.” HowardProject
12. AITJ For Cutting Off Friends Who Abandoned Me On A Planned Trip?
“Last June I (18f) and my friends A (18f) and B (17f) planned a trip to the beach for late August. We spent hours searching for a motel and then some more time to be sure that everything was in order (money for paying in advance etc.).
Because all of us had already planned trips with our family or other groups of friends we agreed that we would meet directly at the hotel. I was supposed to arrive first because I was already near the city for a theatre competition, then A and B will come after by train.
So we stuck to the plan: paid the hotel in advance for our reservation, went shopping together for the necessities, and spent the other vacations we planned with family and friends. Then, 2 days before the day they were supposed to come, I received a message in our group chat that they weren’t coming because their parents wouldn’t let them anymore.
I called them and asked them what was up with that message and if it’s a prank or something, and they told me that it was as real as it could be. I asked why they were telling me so late and they responded that it wasn’t safe for 3 girls to go to an unknown city alone.
I understand what they are saying, but after all, I think that these things should’ve been said before we started planning and paying. (+ B went 2 weeks prior to this to Paris with another 18f alone – and we aren’t even from France). I was very scared because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do in that situation because the group of friends I was there with were leaving in 2 days and the train tickets were all sold out so I was stuck in an unknown city by myself.
Luckily, I went to the train station and there was someone who had given up their place so I managed to get one and travel with them to another theatre festival as a +1.
After that, I told A & B to not contact me anymore and left the group chat.
In September we went back to school and everyone kept asking me why I wasn’t speaking with them anymore (we were inseparable before that). So I told them and almost all of them said that I should talk with them and some even suggested that I should apologize for cutting all contact after all this time.
The thing is that I think I would’ve continued to be friends with them if they showed any kind of remorse but they just said that I should’ve expected that and didn’t even try to apologize.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ they had plenty of time to ask their parents and get permission BEFORE the day of!
My goodness! How anyone can think this is ok to leave a friend at a motel on their own is just astounding to me. You’re 100% right to realize that these people are not your friends.” RaysUnderwater
Another User Comments:
“A friend who was supposed to pick me up from the airport of a transit city so we could take a trip together (I was flying home and decided to stop in said city for a detour with her before she drove me the rest of the way) completely ghosted me when my flight arrived. I waited at the airport for hours in a city I’d never been to before, stressed out of my mind—and I was an adult.
I can’t imagine how awful you must have felt! NTJ.” gundamdianxia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those people suggesting you apologize have been talking to your ex friends and they are trying to have all the fun perks of friendship while not caring about you at all.
Something’s up with that if their parents knew about the trip the whole time and they went on another trip to a foreign city so try out supervision. Are you the target of jealousy? Do your parents have more money or are you more attractive or have a boy they want?
Because something seems weird here.” AITAthrowaway452377
11. AITJ For Drinking To Calm My Nerves Before A Job Interview?
“So, I (22M) have been really struggling to find a job since I graduated this summer. I’m searching in a highly competitive field (think finance), and yesterday was the first time I interviewed somewhere.
I took a small shot of booze when I woke up, just to settle my nerves a little. (Side note – my Grandad loved this kind of booze. He even used to brew it himself. My final birthday present from him was a novel 200 ml bottle he brought from his homeland.
Unfortunately, he passed away a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to pour one out for him to ensure good luck in my interview.)
However, by the time I was sat in the company’s waiting room, the effects had completely worn off. I started to feel sick with nerves – the pressure of the interview stage was getting to me after months of writing applications.
I decided to sneak off to the toilet to take a couple of pre-interview shots to calm my nerves. The interview that followed actually went really well – I had great chemistry with the interviewer, and we were laughing, flirting, etc.
The problem came when I, very stupidly, decided to sneak in another shot (for good luck) before the final interview with the CEO.
Sadly, she emerged from her office precisely as I was mid-gulp. She looked horrified and told me to leave the building. I tried to explain to her about my anxiety, and how I was simply medicating it, but she wouldn’t listen and called security to take me away.
Afterward, I sent the company an apology e-mail and asked for another chance, but they haven’t yet replied.
My mother thinks I’m a jerk for drinking at all and called me a heavy drinker, (she doesn’t really understand booze) but my brother ‘doesn’t see the issue’ as long as I wasn’t intoxicated.
So – who is the jerk? Me for drinking before a job interview, or the CEO lady for not listening/calling security?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, obviously. If your anxiety is that bad, see someone who can prescribe some meds. You can’t go through life taking shots anytime you’re anxious.
That’s incredibly unprofessional.” lihzee
Another User Comments:
“”I tried to explain to her about my anxiety, and how I was simply medicating it,” You’re a heavy drinker. Booze is not an appropriate medication for anxiety. Your mom understands booze just fine and I wouldn’t recommend taking any advice from your brother if he thinks this situation is okay.
If you need help with your anxiety, that’s okay. But you need to get actual help. Booze is just covering up the problem, not resolving it. YTJ and dumb.” RedoubtableSouth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I do hiring in my job and honestly, I would have done the exact same thing as the CEO and said, interview over and asked you to leave the building.
It’s not about drinking, it just shows you have extremely poor judgment skills if you think sneaking a shot before an interview is any way appropriate.” DarkRogus
10. AITJ For Inviting A Friend Over To Share Food Without Informing My Flatmate?
“Yesterday I (24M) was out with a friend (24F) and they informed me of financial hardship, and as a result a lack of food outside cereals.
I was making a bulk batch of chili that night and in the interest of my friend’s health, I invited them over to have some and take some home.
I live in a 2-bedroom apartment/flat with a flatmate (22F) who attends the same university as me, and we’ve had conflicts before but nothing major.
I received a passive-aggressive message from my flatmate saying I was inconsiderate because I neglected to inform her, and she was embarrassed that her laundry was in the living room/kitchen area and in her pajamas 5 minutes before we arrived. She said that she didn’t want to say it to me then and there because she didn’t want to embarrass me in front of my friend.
We do have a prearranged agreement we would let each other know when we would have company over, and for the most part I’ve abided by that and this is the first time I’ve not done so, admittedly it slipped my mind because I was focused on wanting to get my friend some healthier food than they had for the previous week.
I also only suggested it 20 minutes before we arrived.
I tried to explain the situation to my flatmate over message, to which they responded that my friend’s and my situation in relation to it changed nothing.
As additional information, sometimes it is difficult for me to adhere to I suppose ‘social rules’ because I’m autistic (not majorly, I can still function and adhere to my responsibilities such as study, work, deadlines, driving, etc) and as a result I can be spontaneous on occasion, this being one of them.
My flatmate has said my spontaneity and autism are no excuse, and that next time they ‘won’t be happy’. I grew up in England with a family that didn’t mind me randomly bringing a friend over that I had talked about before, while my flatmate is from Bulgaria but I don’t know much about their home dynamic.
AITJ in this situation, because I have been angry at it (more than I should let it get to me in honesty – I have other personal issues ongoing which I think added to it), but I understand their point of view to an extent, but I just want to know if what I did makes me the jerk.
I understand my point of view may be biased, but I’ve tried to provide reasoning from both sides to get an informed judgment.”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ – if the rule is you tell each other before you bring people over, then that is the rule.
A quick text as a heads-up would have been enough, so your roommate could have decided to change or not, or remove their stuff from the living room. You weren’t being malicious, but this is one of those times when we can be an inadvertent jerk.
Living with a roommate or with friends is never going to be the same as living with family. Take this as a lesson with living with someone else; you accidentally crossed a boundary, but now you know how important it is to them so you can make sure to adhere to it going further.
And if this is a deal breaker for you, then you have time to look for another roommate for when your lease is over.” chiterkins
Another User Comments:
“YTJ slightly, just for being angry at getting called out. You know you slipped up and broke your agreement, and your roommate can express her unhappiness with that.
The method she used wasn’t bad or mean or petty, even if you took it as passive-aggressive. I’m sure she has justifications for that, too, like you have for your spontaneous decision. I guess she hoped for an apology and a “won’t happen again” instead of explanations.” lavachat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There was a clear rule and you broke it. I definitely would have invited your friend back in the same situation, but the conversation should have gone something along the lines of: “Hey, I’m making chili tonight, want to come over?” “Sure.” “Great, let me text my flatmate to let her know to expect company.” Then in a five-word or less text that takes less than two minutes, you’d have avoided the whole issue.
(This is to keep in mind for future spontaneous guests by the way.)” Dragonr0se
9. AITJ For Telling My Traumatized Partner To Get His Act Together?
“My partner (26) has lived through some traumatic experiences as a young teen.
When we’ve been friends, he just rarely ever mentioned the trauma, only in times when he felt reminded of it in some way. Since we’ve been together a year ago, he religiously mentions the hardship he’s been through, even in situations where before he’d not say anything.
He often evades doing tasks around the flat, saying he’s in a ‘low’ right now and will get to them later when he’s feeling better. Personally, I’ve been supportive of the therapy he’s going through, but I’m starting to wonder if he really does attend the sessions since it’s been like seven years of ‘recovery therapy’ and he still always has these ‘lows’.
Yesterday we had planned to meet up with some friends, but shortly before we were going to leave, my partner told me he wasn’t feeling too good and said he’d rather not go and that he’d drive me there and head back home. I told him to pull himself together since we’d been planning the dinner for a few weeks now and that some hours there wouldn’t hurt him.
He seemed upset about that but agreed to come with me.
At the dinner he was being super quiet, he didn’t engage with anyone and our friends were starting to ask if he was alright, if he needed anything, and so on. I told them that he was just being childish since I had to drag him out of the flat to come with me and was trying to laugh it off even though it really annoyed me.
My partner got up after I said that and announced that he’ll be leaving to the whole table. He told me to call him if I want to get picked up later and pretty much just left us all hanging there.
I apologized to our friends for his behavior and we did end up still having a nice time.
He came to pick me up some hours later and since I was a bit tipsy I decided to confront him. I told him that I felt absolutely embarrassed when he left and that our friends were seemingly uncomfortable being in such a situation and that one of them even asked if we had ‘problems going on’.
He was quiet again, not even trying to justify it.
When we were at our home he said he would not sleep here tonight and that we’d talk when I ‘wasn’t intoxicated anymore’. I told him that he was being ridiculous and that this was on him, not on me.
He told me to reconsider my actions and that I was being ‘unbelievably hurtful’. He then drove off, just leaving me standing there again.
AITJ for telling him to get his stuff together?”
Another User Comments:
“He didn’t want to go with you, went anyway for your sake, wasn’t having a good time, and you called him childish for it in front of your friends?
If I did that to my partner I’d expect her to be seriously considering leaving me. Of course YTJ.” jdmillar86
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t mention what this trauma was but to decide to humiliate him at the table – for any reason is utterly shocking.
I would say not only YTJ but you should consider therapy too for abusive tendencies and hopefully, your next partner (if this guy has any sense) will encounter someone with a bit more value towards them.” Lee2021az
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First of all, when you were less intimate, it was probably easier for him to mask when he was having a difficult time.
Now that you’re a couple, and you live together, he can’t hide it, so he’s being honest about it. And his therapist is likely encouraging him to be honest, and to tell you what he’s feeling and what he needs. Therapy doesn’t erase trauma, it provides a set of tools and coping mechanisms. Obviously, I don’t know either of you and I don’t know what his trauma is.
But it sounds to me like he is trying to trust you and be honest and vulnerable with you, and you’re being cold and pretty cruel. Again, trauma doesn’t go away. People learn to cope.” Thnks-Fr-The-Mmrs
But what you did, dragging him out to a draining social event he didn't feel up to, then s******g on him for being quiet and reserved even though he warned you he wasn't in the mood. I can't believe he actually came and picked you up afterwards!!! What a thoughtful and considerate partner he is for offering to come get you, and yet you used that opportunity to yell at him more?? And now you're mad that he didn't wanna stay the night with you while you drunkenly laid into him for "embarrassing you". All he did was say he wants to go home, that's okay, everyone is allowed to want to leave a situation they don't feel comfortable in. YTJ so massively, I can't believe you even asked.
8. AITJ For Selling My Paper Outline Which Led To Another Student's Expulsion And Deportation?
“So in university, I was a pretty smart kid and enjoyed learning new subjects and doing research. I was also broke, worked 2 jobs, and had to travel an hour to school.
As a result, I needed to find ways to earn more. So I took up a side gig writing papers for people on almost any subject, from war and history of early modern Europe to symbolic logic. I quickly earned a great reputation for this, I guess infamous, and made some good cash.
One day, a friend of mine asked me to write a paper for a friend of theirs. Made the intro etc. I said no, I was in the same class and the paper was due the next day. It was only 3 pages, but I was already done mine and drinking.
I just did not have the time to do it. However, my friend who made the intro was my best friend at the time. So I offered my skeleton for 80 bucks. (A skeleton is an outline with all the key points that need to be made).
I advised them that handing this in, as is, will not be enough and to expand everything into paragraphs. The skeleton was only 1 page. Regular price per paper is 100+20 per page +50 if the class is a final-year course. So I gave him a deal I don’t normally offer.
He handed in the skeleton.
When we got our papers back, I did not get mine. Instead, the prof confronted me about copying off the other kid’s skeleton. I’m not stupid and built in a trigger phrase (a phrase I could prove he did not write).
I pointed this out and asked the prof to verify the phrase used with another prof (I used that phrase in a different essay I wrote on a similar subject). I then explained there was no rule against working in a group and that it looks like he never expanded out the notes.
The other prof knew me well and could tell the skeleton was 100% mine. While they couldn’t prove I sold it to him, they could prove he was using my notes, plagiarism.
The school has a 0 tolerance policy for this, I got a warning and he got expelled. He was on a student visa.
He was then deported back to the Middle East, I think Lebanon or Kuwait. I can’t remember nor did I know him well.
I feel like it was him or me and he didn’t even do his end. AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“You’re totally missing the point.
The fact you were happy to profit off other people getting credit towards degrees they never earned makes you the jerk. NTJ for the other student getting deported though; they took that chance when they decided to hand in work that wasn’t their own.” integranda
Another User Comments:
“I wanted to say everyone’s the jerk but then remembered personal responsibility. NTJ. He chose to come to you, pay for the key, and ignore your advice. He could have done what you advised, used your skeleton, and wrote everything in his own words, even reworded your skeleton on top of writing his own paragraphs and used it purely as a guide but chose not to.
He had to have known what was at stake the moment he bought your key and used it. If he didn’t, that is still on him. No one forced him to purchase from you or to use the key. He could have bought it and changed his mind, not using it.
He chose to take the risk and it didn’t work out for him. Not on you.” PhoenixRosehere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’ll set aside judgment about your history of academic dishonesty, which if found out even today could possibly put your degree in jeopardy (so be careful).
In this case, he knew what you gave him and agreed to the terms. He didn’t hold up his end by putting in the work to flesh out the outline. He could have asked for an extension or taken the 0 credit. Someone with as much to lose as he had should have been more careful.
Besides, you fessing up wouldn’t have saved him unless you took all the blame for dishonesty somehow, which they probably wouldn’t have believed since you handed in a full paper and he didn’t.” SoMuchMoreEagle
7. AITJ For Not Asking My Partner To Move Her Car From The Street Because Of A Neighbor's Complaint?
“For background, my partner and I live in a small city on a street that is mixed single-family and multi-family houses.
We have an apartment in a multi-family house with one off-street parking space. I usually use the off-street space since my car is an old convertible with no alarm or anti-theft systems or anything so much more likely to get broken into or stolen than SO’s new crossover.
The other day I pull into the driveway and my parking space and my downstairs apartment neighbor (DN) comes out of her apartment and corners me as I am walking inside. She tells me that “it would be neighborly of you if you wouldn’t park in front of nextdoor neighbor’s (NN) house because he likes the view of his grass and DN saw him staring at his grass sadly early that morning and could tell he was upset there was a car in front of it.”
I am confused and I point to my car and say I am parked here in the driveway. DN points at SO’s car and asks if that is mine, I explain that it is my SO’s and that she is parked on a public street, but would probably be happy to move it if NN asked her politely.
DN is now visibly angry and keeps repeating that she doesn’t know whose car is whose but it would be the neighborly thing to do to move SO’s car to be in front of our house.
Where SO and I grew up (Boston and Chicago) you pretty much just had to take whatever street space you could find, whether it was a block away from your building or whatever so this scenario is very confusing.
To be clear, street parking is perfectly legal on my street.
I basically said I wasn’t comfortable being an intermediary to something like this because it would mean me having to tell my SO she needed to move her car because one neighbor told me another neighbor was upset with it and that would make me look like a weirdo to my partner.
I said if the neighbor asked as a favor SO would probably move it, but that again it was a public street and she had just as much right to park there as anyone else.
DN tells me NN is too polite to ask her to move, but she knows he is mad and I am like ok sorry I am not involved in this in any way though, and leave.
Later that day we see a cop car looking at SO’s car, presumably either DN or NN called and asked them to ticket her for some made-up reason.
I am just asking myself what is this suburbia drama nonsense? Did we do anything wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would wager that NN doesn’t care and never said anything to DN, DN is the one who doesn’t want your SO to park there and has some nonsense reason she doesn’t want to admit to. It’s easier for her to try and make herself seem like she is just being a friendly intermediary rather than the jerk, you just happened to inadvertently call her out.” lyanx123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I had a crazy neighbor who tried to tell us that the curb in front of their yard was theirs and nobody could park there, from the corner all the way to the next driveway! They would bang on my door to complain if a car parked anywhere on our block, demanding we move it!
We asked all of our friends to come over and park on the street we had a BBQ. Neighbors called the police. Police told them that if they called again about parking they would be cited. No more problems.” bellePunk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Considering the “grass admirer” neighbor didn’t even mention anything to you about this I wouldn’t pay it any mind.
Wait until that neighbor actually says something before moving the car. Don’t move it because some other person said the other guy “looked sad looking at his grass(???)” Make sure the car is parked legally so they don’t have any reason to have any tickets placed on it.
Sounds like these neighbors don’t have enough to do in their daily lives. Are they retired by any chance? lol.” wontonfrog
6. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Get Me Water When He Was Late For Work?
“I (24F) have lived with my partner (26M) of three years in our apartment which is very oddly shaped, our bedroom is at the very back of the apartment.
Recently, my long-term anemia has gotten much worse, I’ve been sick and lightheaded much more often and it affects me the worst in the mornings.
My partner is usually kind about this, helps me out, and all of that.
Yesterday he forgot to put his phone on the charger before bed so it died and his alarm failed to go off which left him thirty minutes late for work. He has to be at work by 7:30 AM, he typically arrives early at 7:15.
His job is a short ten-minute walk from our building, five if he skips coffee and sprints.
I felt horrible that morning much to both of our dismay and was on the verge of throwing up. While he was running about I asked him to grab me a bottle of water.
He said no. I asked again, no again.
I didn’t want to be too demanding so I asked one final time. He told me if I needed it so bad I could get it myself and left promptly after.
Funnily enough, I ended up vomiting a few minutes after he left, cleaned up the mess, and got my water all on my own afterward.
I was too dizzy from going up and down while scrubbing the floors (we don’t own a mop for whatever reason?) and stayed on the couch for the rest of the morning, I only started feeling better until about 10, three hours after my partner left.
A friend of mine came over that afternoon and I told her about what had happened, she called me the jerk for pressuring him after he was already late for work, and that he shouldn’t have to always help me when my anemia gets bad.
My partner later came home from work angry, telling me that his boss was mad at him for being so late, and that my persistence about my water contributed to that. I tried to apologize but he said he didn’t want my apology, and that it wouldn’t fix what had happened.
After my friend’s reaction and my partner’s, I called my brother to ask his say on the matter, since I felt pretty conflicted. My brother thinks I’m NTJ since my partner would have had to come back into our room from the kitchen to grab his things anyway.
But I feel my brother is biased since he’s never really liked my partner in the first place.
My partner is still upset over it this morning, I also still feel conflicted and wanted an outside perspective.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s not your fault you’re unwell, but you do need to take responsibility and keep some water by the bed. Even if he is lovely and helpful all the time (as a good partner should be), you should also think ahead to help yourself and not rely on his kindness too much.
And it doesn’t take a genius to realize that when someone is running late, the last thing they need is someone else piling on requests on top of it. Your timing was terrible, people get snappy when they are stressed, and you asked THREE times!
If he’s usually nice and helpful, then you need to learn to read the room. It was not the time to pester him about getting you water. On his part, he should have gotten over it by the time he got home, not come back angry and blamed you for making him later than he already was.
It’s his own fault he was late, he didn’t charge his phone and he needs to take responsibility for that. And just because he snapped at you when he was stressed, doesn’t mean it’s okay (it’s understandable but still not good). I think you both need to give a little apology and move past it.” Pookie103
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk for the “not wanting to be too demanding, I asked a final time”. You asked him three times while he was trying to leave for work. No means no the first time. Keep water by the bed. And anemia doesn’t have flare-ups.
I’m concerned there is something else going on there. Anemia shouldn’t be wiping you out like that if you’ve been treated.” sammymalti
Another User Comments:
“Yeah you’re kinda the jerk here as he was already rushing about being late and you asked him three times!
He isn’t your slave you know, and if your anemia is that bad you throw up on the regular then go see a doctor for some b12 injections and advice! It might not be anemia it might be pots or something else. I was misdiagnosed as anemic on and off for years.
End of the day you know that you can have a flare-up and be dizzy when you get up (not anemia symptoms by the way) – It’s not up to your partner to ensure you have water in the morning- especially when he is late and could lose his job.
Imagine if he blamed you for not setting his alarm clock in the morning? See that would be a jerk move because it’s his job and his responsibility – kind of like how you are responsible for your own health. The only jerk thing he did here was have a pop at you when he came back to offload his own guilt about being late.
Everyone sucks here is my verdict but only because he came home and had a go at you! And you really need a second opinion on your anemia diagnosis.” Kornlula
5. AITJ For Refusing To Invite My Childhood Bully To My 21st Birthday Party?
“My (20F) mum (53F) keeps asking if she can invite my childhood friend (20F), Rachel, to my 21st birthday party. Every time she asks me, I always refuse, yet makes me feel guilty about it.
For context: Rachel and I had been friends since year 2 (8 years old), and although it had its trials and tribulations, we remained friends up until year 12 (17 years old).
Over the course of our friendship, it was… toxic to say the least.
Just to give you an idea about the nonsense she put me through:
- When I made new friends, she would sabotage the friendship and lie about me. Somehow I would always get in trouble, whether that be with a teacher/parents/the new friend.
- She would turn other mutual friends against me
- She championed everyone into bullying me because I was going through puberty before them.
- She would spread rumors about me giving our guy friends inappropriate favors.
- She gave me a nasty nickname (which has now traumatized me in my adulthood, as I now am prone to emotional breakdowns when people call me this)
- She manipulated me, degraded me, socially isolated me, bullied me, and ruined my mental health. Just to name a few…
This happened from primary school to high school, and once I graduated, I never wanted to see her again. My mum, on the other hand, wanted me to maintain that friendship, despite knowing what she put me through.
I, however, deleted her from all aspects of my life as soon as humanly possible.
Last year, Rachel’s older sibling died in a surfing accident, which left my mum running to their side to aid them in such a difficult time. I understand she wants to provide as much support as she can, we were friends for almost 10 years, but now she wants to invite her to my 21st bday party.
Whenever the topic is broached, I always refuse to extend the invitation, but my mum says “people can change after high school” and makes me feel guilty because I don’t want to recognize the change or accept it. Not to mention, she’s never apologized for treating me like trash.
Shouldn’t I be afforded the right to have a good time at my own party despite my parents paying for it?
AITJ for refusing to let her come to my party or should I let bygones be bygones?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Rachel isn’t your friend.
Unfortunately, I think your mom is going to invite her to the party anyway. So maybe you should throw your own party. You should also ask your mom why is she more concerned with Rachel’s well-being and feelings than yours.” Fickle-Willow4836
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No, I wouldn’t give a person like this a second chance. They can go be changed with other people than you. I never considered making friends with any of my bullies, why should you start the trend? You need to have a serious conversation with your mum about her choices to support your childhood bully.
You need to understand why and make her understand it’s a breaking point for you and possibly her relationship with you if she continues this. She is most likely also keeping her informed of your life and activities so it’s also a matter of trust. Your mum is obviously friends with the parents but by no means should you have to be.
You should be aware that she may invite her to the party anyway. You should warn your current friends and decide what you want to do, such as leave immediately, if she shows up. Make sure the parents understand what will happen to your relationship with them if they BETRAY you again and again.
You lived the nightmare, your mum lived the dream.” muhanX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Repeat after me: NO MOM I AM NOT INVITING HER BECAUSE SHE HAS NEVER BEEN MY FRIEND. If you want to be friends be friends with her mom by all means do, but leave me out of it.
Do not bring this up to me again. It’s OVER. DONE.” cutipatutie
4. AITJ For Banning My Partner's Friend's Son From Playdates With My Son?
“I have a 10-month-old son who I love very much.
He’s very tall/long for his age. He currently wears clothing meant for 2-year-olds.
My partner’s best friend has a son who is 2.5 and she often gives us hand-me-downs and I couldn’t be more appreciative of that. My partner and I both make decent money but saving on baby clothes really helps!
My partner recently got a new job which has a really good salary but obviously requires more hours away from home. I love being a dad so started taking fewer hours at my job to stay home more. About a month ago, her friend would start coming over unannounced with her son for “play dates”.
I asked my partner a few times to be told when her friend was coming over but she feels like she should be able to come by anytime day or night.
It wasn’t really a big deal at first. I think it’s important for my son to be around other children since he has no cousins.
The issues are mostly due to the fact that even though her son is about a year and a half older than my son, they are almost the same size. Her son can walk around while my boy is just starting to be able to stand up completely on his own.
Her son doesn’t realize that he’s younger and I know that’s not his fault but he is always so rough. My son would play with him for 5 minutes and then start crying because he got pushed down or had a toy thrown at him.
I obviously can’t discipline someone else’s child but it seemed like she didn’t care. She never tells her son “no”.
I told her that her son’s behaviour had to change or else they wouldn’t be allowed to play with each other and that my son is miserable whenever they come over.
She blew up at me saying stuff like “how dare you”, “Teach your son to stand up for himself” (He’s 10 months old).
She also tried to insinuate that she had just as much right to be in my home and spend time with my son just because she grew up with my partner.
After about 5 minutes I told her to get out and to not come back anytime soon. She then spammed my partner while she was working with at least a dozen calls claiming I yelled at her child and harassed her.
My partner left work early to come yell at me and she wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say.
She is a great mother and an amazing partner and that’s why I’m second-guessing my actions.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are HUGE developmental differences between 10 months and 2.5 years. Your partner is valuing the relationship with her friend over the safety of her own child.
At the very least set boundaries so that her friend can only come over when your partner is there. Otherwise, just always have plans, not feeling well, etc. when friend wants to come over without partner there. It’s really weird that friend even wants to come over when your partner isn’t there.
ETA: If partner is accepting her friend’s version of events, then I wouldn’t put it past the friend to make up stuff and tell your partner that you made the moves on her to attempt to break you up. You setting boundaries protects your son and you.” New_Wolf1389
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for defending your son. Sometimes the size throws people off, but he’s only 10 months old and learning the world and how it works. Being bullied by a spoiled brat, isn’t the best option for your not-so-little one right now. The friend sounds entitled and should probably be kept at a distance.
I would sit your partner down and explain everything about why you said/did what you did. I’m sure she’s hearing a completely different story from her friend.” BamaFan125
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s not realistic to expect those two to play together. Honestly, two-year-olds are just kinda rough.
I didn’t even let mine play with the cat. It’s just too young an age to fully understand gentle and fine motor skills aren’t really developed enough. It’s disturbing that your partner just took the friend at face value without asking you what happened. That’s not okay.
It wasn’t okay for her to ignore your prior request that you get notice before she shows up either. Y’all need to have a long talk. Parenting is so much easier when approached as a team. Ask her to be on your team, because right now she’s not.” the_wretched_south
3. AITJ For Accidentally Forming My Own Crafting Group And Causing Drama In The Original Knitting Group?
“My friend joined a local official women’s group (MeetUp) for knitting a while back, for a small monthly fee. They would meet weekly at a public place to knit and chit-chat, but due to certain circumstances, they moved their meetings online. She showed me once, but I can’t knit for anything, so I picked up embroidery instead.
I joined the group and attended online a few times, and no one complained that I wasn’t knitting.
4 of us live very close, so we created our own safe bubble and have been hanging out in person for a few months. Because we had all cleared our schedules for the online meeting, we kept our in-person meetings at the same time as we weren’t really fond of the chaos of 20+ people in a video call.
I have subscriptions to organizer apps so I was “put in charge” of organizing our gatherings, and we all hosted in rotation.
Early this year, 2 members we all liked from the big group moved closer, asked us to join, and we welcomed them to our get-togethers.
As a result they also stopped attending the weekly online meetings, and they switched to embroidery and bead-weaving. So our circle of 6 now has 3 knitters, 2 embroiderers, and a bead weaver.
Things are now opening up, and the original knitters group is back to doing things in person.
We realized we don’t want to participate in that group weekly, but could still attend whenever we individually wanted. We also decided to mix things up and meet somewhere outdoors once a month. I was still “in charge” of organizing that, and had no problem with that responsibility.
One of the places we decided to go was a pier at a lake. I made sure we were allowed there, so we all got our craft bags, foldable chairs, and a cooler full of juice, and off we went.
The next day I received a notification that I was removed from the knitter’s group.
Apparently they saw us on their way to their get-together. The organizer decided I was “setting up my own group” and since I wasn’t even knitting, she removed me. I didn’t really care, but when I told my friends, they all left the group as well.
The problem is, news also spread and several more people quit the original group, and want to join “ours”… only, we aren’t an actual group. We are just 6 friends who want to hang out and do crafts. People started complaining that we are excluding them, the old organizer is upset that I am “stealing their members”, and we are now accused of being a “clique”, non-accommodating, stuck-up etc. Regardless of how many times we explain, other ladies want to “join” us.
So we are now completely ignoring them, blocking the rude/insistent ones, and simply not responding to any requests. Sure if we really wanted to, we could invite them to our once-a-month outdoors gathering, but we just don’t want to, nor do we want to expand our circle, nor do we want to host more people at our houses, nor do we want to organize for 20+ participants.
We are friends, and happy with our small bubble.
AWTJ for breaking up a group but not opening up ours?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the organizer of the larger group started this mess. The others who left the group did so because her behavior was terrible.
Problem is, not very many people really want to lead and organize a group… So although it is not your responsibility nor your problem the other people who left the group probably feel as though they were being supported and are now being kicked to the curb.
Unfortunately I think this is a no-win situation for which you are not responsible – and that’s not going to stop some people from criticizing your reasonable response.” HowardProject
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is so funny imagining a group of knitters mad at you because you did crafts with your friends who were neighbours and people thought it looked more fun than their group so wanted to join.
They’re jealous of your newfound popularity, it appears.” DBear423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I actually run a knitting meetup group. While meetup does charge a fee for the group, I do not charge any member to participate. All I ask is that they purchase something from the restaurant we meet at.
Some members choose to donate towards the meetup fee but that is not something I ask for. That lady was totally making a profit on her meetup and is probably more mad about the loss of funds than the actual members themselves. I swear every knitting group has member drama at some point.
We had a racist we had to disinvite from the group and a member who threatened to hit another. You created new friendships and meet up separately. There is nothing wrong with that. Have fun crafting!” Mycatisademon
2. AITJ For Having To Pee During A Hike With My Partner?
“My (22F) partner (24M) is an avid outdoorsman. He grew up camping and hiking often. I, on the other hand, did not. I think I went camping once when I was a little kid and sat in my grandma’s RV pouting the entire time.
My partner and I have now been together for 6 months and as our little “anniversary” present, my partner wanted to take me to his favorite hiking spot. We live in a warmer state, so hiking this time of year isn’t abnormal. I was a little nervous about it, but agreed because I definitely see him as the person I’m gonna marry, which means adapting to his lifestyle as well.
So we went on a sunrise hike up a mountain that was a little over an hour away from us. The hike was just over 3 miles total and wasn’t too difficult for beginners. Before going, my partner gave me the safety rundown and pushed that I drink a ton of water.
When we got to the trailhead, I needed to pee slightly and mentioned to my partner finding the bathroom at the beginning of the trailhead (which I believed to be just around this little hill). He brushed it off though and suggested we get going so we don’t miss the most beautiful part of the sunrise, so I agreed.
During the first half of the hike, my partner kept pushing me to drink water to the point where I felt like I was gonna throw up (and my bladder was gonna explode). When we got to the best part of the hike, we sat there for a few minutes before I mentioned heading back down because at this point I reallyyyyy needed to find that bathroom.
My partner insisted we stay for a few more minutes until I finally dragged him up. Listen, I’ve never peed outside my entire life. But I must’ve drank so much water my bladder just couldn’t take it. Before we even made it back down, I knew I was about to pee my pants.
I kept mentioning it to my partner and he kept comforting me, saying it was okay, saying I can make it.
Unfortunately, I could not make it. I apologized profusely but told him I had to duck behind a big rock a little ways off the trailhead to pee or I was going to pee my pants.
He was angry, scoffed and huffed as I asked him to stand watch, but instead he just stood by the trail, angry as ever. And to make matters worse, an older couple that was cutting through some of the brush walked right by me, but didn’t say anything.
So yeah, my partner is understandably furious with me, not only for exposing myself on our hike, but also for rushing our beautiful view. This is his favorite hiking spot and I ruined it. I feel terrible, but I also feel like it was something that I couldn’t control.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stuff like that happens all the time. If he wanted you to enjoy the hike, he should have made it enjoyable for you.. and he also should have taken into consideration that when you gotta go, you gotta go. He should have allowed you a minute to go pee prior to going on the trail when you said you had to go the first time.
If that wasn’t a possibility, when you were up at the sunset viewing spot, and really had to go, he should have helped you find a safe spot to go… then you would have not been rushed back down. You having basic bodily functions doesn’t ruin things.
Him being a jerk about your basic bodily functions does however.” AbbyBirb
Another User Comments:
“Oh course you “ducked behind a big rock” and relieved yourself. That is what people do. If you were to on the months-long, hundreds of miles long Appalachian trail, does he think they have porta potties stationed all along the trail???
Or do you hold it till you get to a tiny rural town scattered along it? What is wrong with him? On shorter walks and hikes, too, this is the norm. The older couple ignored you because they were sane and reasonable people and they were being discreet and polite!
Like your SO should have been! I’m glad you didn’t pee your pants. I can only imagine the drama if you were wet and had to sit in his vehicle! NTJ and the only person ruining annnnnything is your partner! Your partner should have known better.
Pushing you to drink so much, so fast, denying you relief. He is being weird and controlling. This … this is just wrong.” LuvMeLongThyme
1. AITJ For Insisting My Friend Watch My Childbirth Vlog Despite Her Trauma?
“My (30m) amazing wife (Mel, 30f) gave birth to our son a few months ago & we recently had a small gathering to introduce him to our friends, which includes James & his wife Val. Val is known to be troubled mentally, & is particularly sensitive to certain sounds & smells (apparently it was from the traumatic death of her mother when she was younger but we’ve never heard the story so we don’t know the details).
Anyway, during the gathering, Mel mentioned how she’d created a vlog of the whole birth process (everything was SFW so her lady bits weren’t captured), & she wanted everyone to watch it (the other ladies were interested to know how it was since we were the first couple to have a kid).
I saw Val get visibly uncomfortable when it got to the pushing part, & she excused herself. I asked what was wrong, but she just said that she wasn’t comfortable with the sounds. I thought it was ridiculous since it was part of the birthing process & told her joking that ‘well you’ll have to go through it anyway so now’s your chance to prep yourself’.
She excused herself anyway, & was curt when I asked if it was one of her sensitivities. James overheard & told me to back off, but I found out later that Val gets very anxious around the smell of a specific type of disinfectant that I happen to use & any sounds of pain because it reminded her of her mother’s death (apparently it was still traumatic for her).
I asked James & Val (privately of course) why did she even come to the gathering in the first place & she said that she was there to say hi to a baby, not be subjected to a childbirth vlog. I told her that maybe it was a good opportunity to replace those memories with something more positive, but they just left after calling me insensitive.
I told the rest of the group, who thought that I was making a big deal out of nothing. But my family agrees that Val was just being rude in the face of hospitality & she should have put aside her discomfort to celebrate with the rest of us.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I think you are one of the biggest jerks I have seen on here. “is particularly sensitive to certain sounds & smells (apparently it was from the traumatic death of her mother when she was younger but we’ve never heard the story so we don’t know the details).” So you need to know everything about her traumatic story before you take her mental health seriously?!
“Everything was SFW and her lady bits weren’t captured.” I am a woman & I still would not want to watch that.
“Told her joking that “well you’ll have to go through it anyway so now’s your chance to prep yourself.” Women who don’t want children or want to adopt don’t exist in your mind?
God. I don’t want children or to go through that so why would I want to watch that? I can guarantee you that women who do, don’t even want to watch that.
“She came to say hi to a baby and not to be subjected to a childbirth vlog.” She is absolutely right, Val came for that and if you decided to play your birth vlog I would get out ASAP and less nicely than she did.
“She should have put aside her discomfort to celebrate with the rest of us.” Man you really have never been in the real world. Please tell me how to put your trauma and triggers aside? Since that is what it was for her, not discomfort.
I don’t know who you think you are to be speaking about her trauma you don’t even know the specifics about. You are about to get unfriended. “Hey your mom had a traumatic death watch my wife’s birth vlog and replace your mom with that.” Also don’t know why you keep downplaying her trauma as if she is overreacting or pretending.
Val was respectful, she got uncomfortable and excused herself. You decided to go all up in her business. Glad to know she does have a supportive husband. Say goodbye to your friendship with him. Don’t even want to know what kind of self absorbed, entitled, empathy-lacking kid you will raise.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First for playing a childbirth video to a ‘captive audience’ – what the heck! I’ve had 4 children but I wouldn’t want to watch it/hear it either. Secondly, for not just letting Val leave the room when she was obviously uncomfortable – you didn’t need to ask her what was wrong.
(and no, doing it later wouldn’t have made it any better – totally not your business) Thirdly, for thinking, and basically telling her, that her discomfort was ‘ridiculous’ – sure pain sounds might be part of most childbirths, but guess what? – a lot of people don’t want to listen to others in pain.
Fourthly, for joking about prepping herself – for assuming she would have children, and for thinking the way to prep is to watch your wife give birth! Fifthly, for still hounding her after she left, and after her husband told you to back off. Lastly, for presuming to tell her how to deal with her trauma (and again, for assuming watching your child be born was a positive experience.)” [deleted]
