People Anticipate Honest Feedback Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
20. AITJ For Yelling At My Partner's Mom?
“I (37F) live in a small condo. My partner (36M) lives with his parents.
My mom is a very avid and frequent traveler. She retired early from a comfortable job and now spends her time visiting multiple countries and cities.
She’s very much into learning about different cultures and trying different activities, foods, etc. She always sends me postcards from the places she’s visiting with a brief note on the back about where she is, and what she’s been doing. Depending on her schedule, she will sometimes hang onto multiple postcards and send them out together, so it’s not uncommon to receive several postcards at one time from her.
I was out of town for 3 weeks for work. During that time, my partner agreed to house-sit for me (water plants, feed my fish, bring in my mail) While I was gone, he got sick and his mom ended up coming over a few times to check on him at the house.
Earlier today, I stopped by his house to get my key. His mom was there, and we started talking. She made a comment about how some of the foods and things my mom had tried were ‘downright weird’ and ‘something she would never do.’ I asked her what she meant and she admitted that she had read some postcards from my mom that had shown up while I was gone.
I told her that I would prefer if she didn’t read my mail in the future, but she kept brushing it off saying it was no big deal and I’m overreacting. I snapped and yelled at her telling her that she needed to learn how to respect boundaries.
My partner defended his mom, and they both called me a jerk for yelling at her. Their reasoning is that postcards are a ‘free for all’ because they aren’t sealed in an envelope. I get that, but I still feel angry. Did I overreact?
EDIT: My partner’s mom was not housesitting for me. My partner was staying at my place to keep an eye on the place while I was gone. He got sick while I was gone and called his mom to come over. She came over a few times to visit him at my place while he was sick.
My partner was the one bringing in my mail. The postcards were among a pile of mail in a cardboard box that I had left on my kitchen counter for collecting the mail. She was leafing through the box, saw the postcards, and read them.
I’m annoyed that she was even going through the pile of mail on my counter, to begin with, but I’m also upset that she would criticize my mom like that. She’s never met my mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The problem here is not that your partner’s mom read the postcards.
The problem is that she made negative comments about the things your mom wrote about. Your partner’s mom had no business giving her opinions on those things. Those comments were really about your mom, and not about some business that’s advertising with postcards. That’s where your partner’s mom crossed the line between normal curiosity and being nosy and meddlesome.
Your partner’s mom does need to learn how to respect boundaries. She also needs to learn better manners.” Sea-Confection-2627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for reacting about the postcards but why are you with a 36-year-old man who lives with his parents?
Housing costs did not cause YOUR PARTNER TO CALL HIS MOTHER OVER MULTIPLE TIMES IN A WEEK when he was supposed to be housesitting.
He is clearly someone who constantly needs his mother at the age of 36, which is of course, not compatible with anything except living with mommy forever.
The fact that the mother felt comfortable GOING THROUGH OP’s STACK OF MAIL to see what she had demonstrates that she is already doing stuff like this… I’m guessing from ‘cleaning up her son’s room’.
Go with your gut, OP. You can do better than this guy and his closed-minded mother who is too scared to try macaroni and cheese without cut-up hotdogs in it.” jennyfromtheeblock
Another User Comments:
“There is the world of difference between reading a single postcard that is message side up on the top of a pile vs rummaging through the whole pile and reading all the postcards.
The first is a minor offense, the latter a serious breach of trust and privacy. What else was she looking for when she rummaged through the box? Checking return addresses for financial statements, bills on red paper, or employment correspondence? Maybe checking if spinster Aunt Helga sent you a note about changing her will to increase your inheritance.
She shouldn’t have been rummaging through the box. At all. The fact that she wasn’t your chosen house-sitter or your invited guest, she was only in your home because her baby boy wanted pampering from his mommy, means she should have been on the best levels of integrity.
At least, if she wanted to have a mature and respectful relationship with you going forward she would have been.
She wasn’t, she snooped and was completely unremorseful, she dismissed your feelings and evaluation of the situation in which she was entirely in the wrong and doubled down on excuses as to why she should be allowed to behave as disrespectfully as she pleases.
She’s a boundary-stomping bulldozer and her mamma’s boy adult son who still lives at home is a well-trained flying monkey.
On top of that is the separate issue of her thinking it’s perfectly fine to insult your family.
This was combing the water, think hard about your relationship.
NTJ.” Professional_Ruin953
19. AITJ For Getting My Neighbor's Son Arrested Because Of Unlicensed Work?
“I (28M) work as an electrician and recently found myself in a predicament with my grandmother’s neighbors.
I visited her early this month at her request to check out a faulty outlet. In the process of diagnosing and repairing her issue, I found stuff of greater concern. This was her new backup generator system that was not up to code in the least. Of the many issues with the workmanship, there were two unforgivable ones.
The first was no interlock/transfer panel on the main breaker unit. Having one is legally required for these systems as it prevents backflow. The second one was the widowmaker connection on the generator. Widowmaker cables are both not up to code and are illegal due to the electrocution hazard.
This led to me documenting everything before speaking to my grandma. She was understandably upset and wanted everything to be brought up to code. This led to her asking if I could handle everything for her which I agreed to do. The first thing I did was try to get the original contractor to fix their work.
The contractor turned out to be her neighbour’s son Mark. I called Mark and asked him to come by as there were problems with the system. When he did I painstakingly pointed out every violation that had been made with the system.
Afterward, I gave two options, either refund the work and be reported or repair it to code.
At first, he refused and denied any code violations until I pulled my license out. He then quickly changed the tune and agreed to repair the work. Before letting him even start I asked for his legally required license. The moment I asked this he tried to lie about how he doesn’t need one.
I had none of it and sent him home saying that we expect a refund and he will be reported for unlicensed work. I stayed true and reported him which led to inspections from the electrical company and others. Things came to a head this week when he was not only fined but arrested as well.
This was confirmed by his mother who called my grandma asking to speak with me. When I did she was not happy and said some spicy things before I hung up.
Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s dangerous and fraudulent. You’ll have to get your grandma to sue him in small claims court if he doesn’t pay.
Depending on how many people he’s done that to the police might not charge him with anything more than a misdemeanor for fraud and he’ll have to pay a fine. If they arrested him then he probably had warrants out because the police would rather let it be settled in small claims since it involved money.” Kooky-Hotel-5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Mate, if my electrician uncle had caught someone doing that to my nana he’d have been the one who ended up getting arrested, for reshaping the dude’s work van with a cricket bat or something. Well done for not losing it completely!
You kept your temper and acted sensibly, you gave him a chance to put it right, and you put a stop to a dangerous contractor. May your reward be in all his other customers paying you to re-do the work on their houses, and a bountiful year next year with lots of treats for grandma.” Ebechops
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He was doing unlicensed work to a shoddy and dangerous standard. Would his punishment be more fitting if the issue hadn’t been caught until it had caused a fire in an elderly ladies’ home or if someone had gotten electrocuted?
And if he had no problems doing work of such a poor standard, how many other homes had he worked on and left in such a dangerous condition?
I would feel no guilt whatsoever about reporting him and watching him face the consequences.” nrsys
What he was doing was both illegal and dangerous, and she has no right to be angry at OP for following the law.
18. AITJ For Not Babysitting My Future Stepson?
“I (36f) am engaged to a wonderful (41m) man, Mike. We both have children from previous relationships. I have a 14-year-old daughter and he has a 5-year-old son, Luke.
Luke’s mom is Mike’s ex-wife, Ashley. Mike has had some issues with never telling Ashley no about taking Luke on nights we aren’t supposed to have him. He’s canceled dates with me and family trips etc because Ashley asks him out of the blue to take Luke with some frequency.
He used to be much worse about it but he’s gotten better and has only been asked as a last resort.
Well this past Friday, sure enough, Ashley calls us asking us to babysit because she has concert tickets for Saturday night. Mike had to work so he wasn’t able to and then it turned to me.
I had already made plans that evening to have a mom-daughter date with my daughter. I had reserved us mani-pedis and a nice dinner. These mom-daughter dates are important to my daughter and me since she is going through the mess that is puberty. I told Ashley ‘I had other plans’.
I figured she’s got enough family, friends, and money (she alone makes the same amount Mike and I make, not counting the child support he pays) to figure something out on her own. I was wrong.
Saturday came and she was in a tizzy, blowing up Mike and my phone begging us to take Luke that night.
I stood firm and told her ‘no’ and that my time with my daughter was more important to me than her going to some concert. I silenced my phone and took my daughter on our date. We had a wonderful time and had an amazing dinner.
We come home to find Mike royally angry with me. Ashley, her friends, and her family had spent all evening calling him, yelling at him telling him how unreasonable and how much of a witch I was for not watching Luke and that I’m obviously going to be a bad stepmom since I didn’t care to watch him.
Then the custody threats started, how they’ll take away Mike’s weekends with Luke, etc. And he wasn’t able to reach me since I had silenced my phone.
It’s calmed down a little since then but now Ashley is demanding I refund her the $300 she spent on her ticket since she couldn’t go since I refused to watch Luke that night.
Mike and I have been saving up money bit by bit to take my daughter and Luke on a trip next year. Mike is just telling me to give her money from it and avoid the fight, but I don’t want to. If we give in to these demands, she’s just going to continue these behaviors and use us.
AITJ for not watching Luke on Saturday and WIBTJ if I don’t give her the money she lost?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell Mike to grow a brain. Does he really think his ex will get anywhere in court? She’s throwing a hissy fit since she didn’t get her way.
A judge isn’t going to cut the kid off from his other parent for that not when it’s her custody time. Why does her family even have his number and why the heck does he communicate with them? He shouldn’t even be answering their calls.
Block them and be done with it. If Ashley’s family finds a way around it change numbers, if she gives her family the new number then Mike needs to take her to court and have it put in she can only contact him through a parenting app… document how often she dumps the kid on y’all and go for more custody… with the way Ashley is there isn’t much for Mike to lose.
He can keep the same custody, and still be alienated.” Jax_Cat11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She bought a ticket to a concert on a night she knew she’d have her son and waited until the night before to try to foist her son off on you and your husband.
That’s her fault and the money she lost isn’t your responsibility. Don’t give her a dime. She’s not going to try to change the custody agreement because she can’t even handle having her son part-time since she keeps calling your fiance to take the son on days she has custody.
She’s already a crappy mom and having full custody would interfere with her fun. You did the right thing by not canceling on your daughter to bail out your finances ex. Your daughter needs to know she’s a priority in your life. I know your fiance is trying to be a good dad by taking his son whenever his ex asks, but doing so is just going to make her feel even more entitled to his (and your) time, and it’ll just get worse.” Scribe625
Another User Comments:
“Nope. Nope. Nope. If they have a child custody order, she can’t just take away his weekends. She can take him to court and try, but doubtful she would. She obviously is banking on him being afraid of her and using Luke.
You are not ‘Ashley’s babysitter.’ However, You will want to watch Luke from time to time when she asks because you will want him to watch your daughter. They should try to help each other out when possible. But she is ridiculous.
You do not change plans because she couldn’t, wouldn’t, or didn’t get a babysitter earlier.
She did not purchase the concert ticket Friday night. She planned the concert. She should have planned Luke’s evening and put her son first. Mike needs to step up and stop dealing with her out of fear! Women like Ashley will never be satisfied, you and Mike will never make her happy.
She will keep him jumping until it ruins every relationship he has with a woman, including yours; therefore, he needs to make decisions out on what is best for Luke and the now blended family – not what’s most convenient for selfish Ashley.
Mike needs to defend you, and your decision and NOT pay her back.
Ashley knew it was her weekend with Luke when she purchased tickets and obviously did not care because she knew Mike would jump when she called. And, there’s the rub!
Her not getting to go to the concert is Not. Your. Fault. She would not get a dime if it were me!
And by the way, if Mike didn’t respond to the texts from her family and friends where they called you a witch and demanded it stop and stood up for you where there is no doubt where he stands and that he will tolerate that ever, I would run!” Significant-Stage-54
17. AITJ For Calling The Police Over Two Kids Left In Public Pool?
“I (25M) am a lifeguard in a public pool. I’m used to dealing with a lot of things, like a man (~40) screaming at me because I, a man, treated his wife for a wasp sting. (There is no female lifeguard in my team this year).
I’m really used to those kinds of things, but not a while ago (in summer) at the end of the day, while I was closing the pool (8 pm). I saw 2 little kids (5M & 4F) left alone. They told me ‘His dad left them in the pool and that he was going to be back for them at the end of the day’.
In the public pool rules, there is one that says no minor under 14 years can be alone inside the enclosure without an adult. (That’s why we do not let them in without an adult, but can’t control those situations) I stayed with them after closing the pool for 20 mins and no signal from the father.
I proceeded to call the police so they can take charge of them and I can get home. After not many minutes the father came to the pool with an open beer can and just said ‘home’ to his kids (not even a thanks for taking care of them after my 10-hour shift).
I stopped him and made him wait because I called the police.
With a horrible beer breath, he started yelling at me that it was his kids and was going to take them home and why I called the police, that he was just in the nearest bar to the enclosure, and he hadn’t abandoned his kids.
When the police officers arrived I explained everything and left home. I did not see those kids or the father anymore in my pool and I think I caused that…
AITJ for calling the police? Maybe I should have waited 10 more minutes before calling.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but most people wouldn’t have waited that long before calling the police.
You also should have called your supervisor and asked them to come to the pool immediately so you weren’t alone with the children.
You were doing the right thing by not abandoning those little kids after the pool closed, but you also need to protect yourself.
Even though you were obviously being responsible and concerned for the welfare of the kids, some people instantly think a man with a little kid that isn’t his must be a creep.
I’m sorry the world is like that.
It wasn’t your fault that the kids didn’t ever come swimming again.
If you never saw them for the rest of the summer, maybe wasted jerk Dad lost his shared custody and the kids went back to Mom’s house.” NoxWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should not have done anything differently other than not calling the cops immediately.
The father was lucky that you were gracious enough to allow him the twenty minutes that you did. No one is allowed to drink and drive. Full stop. You potentially just saved multiple lives by stopping this disgusting excuse for a father from leaving with those poor kids.
Who leaves 4 and 5-year-old kids alone NEAR WATER? The negligence and entitlement here are appalling. I’m so sorry for those kids.
Thank you for notifying the authorities. CPS needs to know that this is going on in that home. If he did this at your pool, how many other risks has he taken with his children’s well-being?
He is a degenerate heavy drinker. You choose not to enable that. You did the right thing.” Hapnhopeless
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ and don’t let this ever delay you doing the same thing again. The dad was drinking beer out of sight of his young kids, who were in a public pool, at an age where they shouldn’t be left alone like that and where swimming ability is very variable.
Put it this way – if he’s willing to put them in this much danger in public, imagine what’s going on behind closed doors.” Sea_Midnight1411
16. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Label The Gifts I Bought With Her Baby Father's Name?
“Me (35f) and my sister (30f) have a really close relationship she has 2 children and I’m so excited for Christmas that I already finished Christmas shopping for the children. My sister and I were sitting and wrapping gifts and talking when I looked over and noticed her labeling the gifts I brought with mommy, daddy, and auntie it kind of made me feel a certain way because neither one of them contributed to these gifts and I spent nearly two grand on everything.
A little background: I and my sister’s baby father don’t get along at all we have had problems in the past and she has revealed things to me that I will never ever forgive him for my sister is very sweet and non-confrontational she hates upsetting people and it has caused problems with me and her in the past cause I want her to stand up for herself.
Her baby father doesn’t financially help her very often and I help financially with everything the children need I don’t mind because I love them more than anything.
I became visibly upset and she asked me what was wrong I told her I didn’t want her labeling my gifts with her baby father included cause he hasn’t brought the kids anything and he was not going to take credit for my gifts and my money spent she got quiet and wouldn’t talk anymore she also stop labeling the gifts and just wrote the children’s name on them now I feel bad because I hate upsetting her but I refuse to let him be included in something I paid for that he didn’t help contribute to.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off, I would reconsider spending 2k on gifts. That is an unreasonable amount to spend on kids of any age. Maybe it puts them in a tough situation too if they cannot ‘keep up’ financially. Or maybe it’s just so many things that they don’t want more kiddie clutter in the house.
My in-laws combined spend $500 for Christmas/birthdays and it’s borderline too much for us! I end up donating toys every year and rarely purchase toys in addition except the obligatory Santa gift and a thing or two the kids have expressed they actually want.
I’d probably engage in a conversation with your sister, with no hard feelings, to understand her perspective and come to a more reasonable agreement on how to proceed.
Secondly, the statement you said about ‘helping them with everything’ concerns me. This seems like an unbalanced relationship.
It’s ok to help in tough times but you shouldn’t be their gravy train.” Perfect-Pea-1355
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s super weird to take a gift someone brought for your children and label it with your own name (never mind the baby father) like you’re the one who got it for them.
Rude really, the kids should know who gave them the gift, other than the ‘Santa gifts’. In the future, give them directly to the children on Christmas, don’t give them to your sister. Something must be going on – like they don’t have money for gifts or some other problem like he gets angry when anyone else gets credit for a gift, because she’s basically stealing yours and claiming they are from her and her baby father that you hate.
If you’re close to your sister, ask her what is going on and why she’s doing that.” Brennan_Boru1031
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister is the jerk here. You might have justifiable issues with the baby’s father but he wasn’t involved in this particular issue.
Your sister should not be labeling gifts you bought with anyone else’s name except yours. She is looking to take credit for your gifts, this isn’t cool. If she was feeling she could not afford nice gifts, she should have asked for help or asked if she could put her name on them.
Also, when pulled up, she then excluded all names. So you are still not getting the credit. Change all the labels to your name and hand over the gifts yourself. For the record, your sister isn’t as sweet as you believe, she knew exactly what she was doing.” Maximoose-777
15. AITJ For Letting My Nephew Stay With Me?
“My nephew’s (16/brother’s son) mom and her fiancé bought a house a few months ago and moved in together. The fiancé has 2 teenage sons (14, and 17) and my nephew is the only of his siblings still living at home. His dad lives in a different state about 18 hours away.
My nephew has been having a hard time adjusting to the new living situation. He doesn’t get along great with his future stepdad’s kids. Nephew had been ‘running away’ to friends’ houses and not telling his mom where he is for a couple of years now.
He also regularly spent a lot of time at my house as he’s close to my 15-year-old grandson. He also likes my home because I’m a lot laxer on things than his mom who can be quite strict. She is a great and loving mom, but from her son’s view, she can be a little overbearing.
About 4 weeks ago he got into an argument with one of the fiancé’s sons that turned into a physical fight, they both got in trouble (as they should) but my nephew claims the son had been essentially bullying him for a year at this point (not the words he used but a summary of the behavior he described).
This had worsened since they all moved in together and my nephew has been increasingly unhappy at home even when the other boys were at their mom’s.
The day after this fight, he ran away to his older half-sister’s (dad’s side) home 2 hours away. He refused to come home for several days and missed school.
Mom was very upset. I went to my niece’s with my grandson to convince him to go home but he refused. I was however able to convince him to at least come back to town and stay at my house so he didn’t miss any more school.
I have 3 kids still living at home (17, 11, 8) in a 4-bed house and keep a room spare for my older kids. I gave him this room and he’s been staying with me for a little over 3 weeks. He’s back in school, and doing everything he normally would but still refuses to go home.
His mom is mad at me because I’m letting him stay with me but his dad is happy he has the option. Brother was in town for the weekend and we all (me, brother, mom, and her partner) got together and talked in person.
His mom got very upset (which I understand) but then said that I’m ruining her family and her future marriage by not kicking her son out so he would go home.
I suggested she and her partner need to figure out a game plan to make all their kids get along better and make everyone comfortable in their new home, she just thinks I’m butting in when I have no right. I personally want to see my nephew move back home before Christmas and don’t think this should be a permanent situation, even if I’m happy to keep him until he’s ready to go home.
I’m torn here. On one hand, I want my nephew to be in a safe space where he can be comfortable, on the other hand, as a mother myself I would be equally distraught if my child wanted to stay with someone else over me.
There is no safeguarding issue here, his home is essentially fine, he’s just unhappy there. AITJ for not making him go home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said it yourself: if the kid leaves your place, he’s still not going home. He’s just going to a friend’s house or some other relative’s.
And if he can’t do that… well, I still suspect he’d sooner just run away for real than go back. At least this way, Mom knows where he is and that he’s being looked after by someone who will at least try and make sure he keeps up with his education and impose some kind of structure on his life.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. It’s a tough situation, but you’re supporting him and giving him a safe and comfortable space to stay, and I think that’s a really wonderful thing. It sounds like his mom isn’t approaching him in a way that’s helpful, empathetic, or understanding in the slightest, which is really too bad.
Maybe family therapy is in order for the two of them, or even just individual therapy for the kid, but in any case, I think you’re doing the right thing.” Appropriate-Value54
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your nephew’s mom is ignoring his problems with her ‘new family’ because she cares more about them than her son who is clearly unhappy with the new living situation.
Instead of working to make her new blended family work and show her son she puts his needs and feelings first, she wants you to abandon him like she did. If he’s so unhappy at home that he’s been running away for years, he’s probably going to find another option if you juck him out, or he’ll end up on the streets.
That’s not good for anyone.
He’s safe and well cared for at your house and is attending school, which he wouldn’t be doing otherwise. I’m glad your nephew has you to support him. Stick to your guns so he knows your house is always a safe place for him no matter what his mom says.
And you have his dad’s permission for him to stay with you, so you’re not fully going against his parents’ wishes.
Depending on the custody agreement, your brother may want to look into getting it amended so your nephew doesn’t have to live with his mom’s new family the majority of the time.
If he gets custody he can even grant educational rights to you allowing your nephew to attend his current school while residing with you.” Scribe625
14. AITJ For Always Including My Cousin In Family Events?
“My cousin (’40s) is the child of an affair that happened some decades back when my aunt stepped out on her husband. Her husband, my uncle still vowed to raise her as his child and gave her his last name as well as legally signed the birth certificate.
Yet, despite all the decades she has consistently been sidelined by the family. Her own sister is invited to events but she isn’t. I’m talking like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. I got fed up with this and I began inviting her to events our family hosts.
We will do our own little Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other meet-up events.
Recently I have had family coming to town and wanting to celebrate Christmas this year. I was invited to go and I brought up how I wanted to invite cousin t along. This got lukewarm remarks and I kept pressing why isn’t she invited?
She is a member of this family. My great-cousin and aunt then remarked that the cousin t father isn’t really hers and that she is some other man’s child. I countered that in the law of the land and god rest his soul, my dead uncle that she is his legal daughter.
My first cousins even mentioned how I should let it go and she isn’t really a member of the family. I told them that if they don’t acknowledge her as well then we will have a problem.
It’s not that I am expecting her to come unless she wants to, but I really feel hurt for her that she isn’t even invited. When I invited her to the family events we hosted, she was always happy to come and be invited. She is my first cousin after all.
I know my cousins or extended relatives didn’t like that she was there but I put my foot down that she is MY family.
My sister thinks I should just let this go and just go since they’re old in their ways. I don’t want to go anymore frankly since I don’t get how they can be so cruel to not recognize her for something she had nothing to do with.
If they had a problem with it then why did they never bring it up with my uncle?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sort of, you can’t make people invite someone they don’t want to be around because you think it’s unfair. When you host you invite your cousin and make her feel welcome, no one asks you not to invite your cousin because they don’t feel the same way you do.
You can’t dictate who they should invite to their home, even if they invited this person would they feel comfortable attending? I don’t think so, if you don’t want to go then don’t, but don’t force your views on others that’s not fair. They may be wrong to treat her the way they do because she had nothing to do with her DNA, but at least you don’t hold it against her, leave the others to deal with their hangups and you continue to welcome your cousin to your home.” Public-Muffin2832
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I do think she should be able to go, but, you both need to gauge the situation. Would she be able to go to family events and be included as part of the family? Or, would she be there and ignored or bullied?
This sounds like a family problem and you’re saying the family is the one sidelining her.
It depends on how cousin feels about it, but, I think this might need to be brought up in a family capacity to correct it. They either want your cousin or they don’t and they should admit their side instead of being two-faced.
If some of the family members don’t want her, she can celebrate with the family that loves and appreciates her.
If she’s not being included and you don’t want to confront the family, she might have a more positive experience spending Christmas with you and those who want and love her.
You can set up a separate event or celebrate with her instead.” mimi7600
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You really cannot change their mind, it’s out of your control. However, what IS in your control is yourself, you can simply not go to their event and have Christmas with your cousin instead (and other events, and show a pattern here).
When you are inevitably confronted about it, tell them you are happy to join the family event, however, the family event is when ALL family is invited since cousin is not invited, it’s not family event, but instead a casual hangout between family members instead.
From what I read, cousin seems like a terrific friend.” gerardhart
13. AITJ For Ordering Seafood For Everyone?
“I work nights at a hospital, And I work a lot of overtime, so I spend 36-72 hours at work per week there.
Most of us don’t bring food and end up putting in one big order on someone’s phone and Venmoing that person.
There’s a woman I work with, call her M, who has allergies to shellfish and peanuts. We often accommodate her by ordering from her chosen restaurants.
One night, I decided to order from this place I love that has a lot of seafood and nonseafood options.
I offered my coworkers the option to put in an order on my phone if they wanted to.
So, people start putting in orders on my phone and M starts making a big stink. Talking to others about how inconsiderate she thinks I’m being and saying things out loud like ‘guess everyone’s ordering seafood tonight, hope I don’t pass out.’ Here’s our conversation:
M: ‘I wish we could order from (restaurant B) since I can eat their food.’
Me: ‘how did you find that out?’
M: ‘I just ate there once and nothing happened so I kept going and felt safe because I never had a reaction.’
Me: ‘oh, well maybe we could call this restaurant and explain your allergy to see if they can accommodate you.’
M: ‘no, even if they say they can it’s too risky.’
Me: ‘this is the best place to take a risk, it’s the hospital, we have epi pens everywhere.’
M: ‘oh, no, I don’t use epi-pens, mine has been expired for 3 years. I don’t even carry one. I’m so careful with my allergies that I don’t need one.’
Me: ‘so you want the whole unit to tip-toe around your allergies every time we order food, yet despite the risk of anaphylactic shock, you don’t even have an epi-pen?’
M: ‘like I said, I am so careful that I haven’t needed one the last 3 years.’
Me: ‘well, I don’t like that you are putting the responsibility on me to protect you from your allergies when you clearly don’t take them seriously enough to carry an epi-pen.’
M: ‘make sure you wash your hands, and your work area really well, like scrub everything down when you’re done and don’t come anywhere near me when you’re eating.’
I walked to the break room and came back to her complaining about me to the charge nurse who agreed with her.
But we ordered anyway.
If you don’t like what I’m ordering, you are most definitely welcome to order your own food.
Why should I worry about being extremely careful With your allergies if you don’t even care to carry or replace your epi-pen for THREE YEARS?
I get the whole allergy menu thing for invite-only and RSVP events, but to expect me to change my diet to exclude your allergens at a place where I spend most of my time is ridiculous. But maybe I’m wrong. AITJ?
EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION: We are both ‘medical professionals.’
It’s not specifically a seafood restaurant. It’s a sports bar.
She’s specifically allergic to shellfish. But frowns upon and avoids all seafood at all costs. I only know because I asked her that night. My plate specifically contained seafood but not shellfish so I made the comment that she should be fine and she responded, ‘no, in my house we treat all seafood like shellfish because you never know’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If their allergy is so severe that you cannot eat around them then they should never be ordering out for their food. If they don’t prepare it for themselves they cannot possibly know what is in it or if it is safe for them.
Human Resources should definitely be notified and in the meantime do yourself a favor and do not order food containing their allergen. The allergy sufferer has put you on notice that if you purposefully order food containing what they are allergic to then they expect that you will meet their ridiculous demands to remove any trace amounts after you are finished eating.
It’s not worth it. You are dealing with an irrational individual that cannot bother to attend to their own safety by at least carrying their own unexpired epi-pen and is risking death by ordering out food for which they cannot possibly monitor its preparation.
Also, do not include them in your group take-out runs from now on.
You could be held liable because you would be a party to any claims they might have that their food was contaminated and they ended up having a severe reaction. Maybe you forgot to tell the restaurant. Maybe you didn’t explain to the restaurant how severe the allergy was… They may be willing to take a chance, but especially as a health professional you yourself know the risks, so really, you should not.” Sensitive-Pickle4964
Another User Comments:
“I’d say NTJ.
Specifically because, based on your description of your conversation, it sounds like she’s using her allergies as a way to get the restaurant she wants, and doesn’t actually take her own allergy that seriously.
She knows a restaurant is safe because she went in and ate there without checking and was fine, but she won’t trust another restaurant even if they confirm some meals are safe.
How come it’s only okay if she’s the one choosing?
She confirms she’s officially allergic to shellfish but chooses to treat all seafood the same. So she has no confirmation that she’s allergic to seafood other than shellfish, but wants everyone to not eat any seafood around her anyway?
I’d be curious to find out if she ever complained or said anything about someone bringing in a homemade meal with seafood in it.
If you don’t eat around her and wash your hands and space afterward, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Had her allergies been so severe that washing up afterward and not being in close proximity to the food wouldn’t be enough, I feel like she should have clear accommodations from the workplace.
She can’t monitor what all her coworkers are eating. Why is it suddenly an issue?” CEWriter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So she’s allergic to shellfish but can’t be bothered to carry an EpiPen for her protection but does expect everyone around her not to eat any form of seafood including food she isn’t even allergic to in her presence.
You have nothing to be sorry for. In fact, order more often – given she can’t be bothered to carry an epi, I doubt it’s a serious allergy anyway. Also as a nurse, what will she do if a patient comes in having eaten or been preparing shellfish?
The way she deals with her allergy literally makes no sense.” PutTheKettleOn20
12. AITJ For Staying At My Brother's Birthday Party?
“I’m (23M) a recovering addict. I dropped out of school at 14, hung out with the wrong crowd, and then got addicted to illegal substances and drinking l at 14.
I went to rehab at 20 but then relapsed and I just recently got out of rehab again. I stole and lied a lot to my family I will be honest, and they kicked me out (no better term but they’re not the villains lol) at 15, and I haven’t spoken much with them since.
They had to get therapy because of me if that puts it into perspective.
I have spoken with my brother (28M) a lot since I got out of rehab a few years ago, and he recently invited me to his birthday party. He told me that my parents wouldn’t be there and that only he, his partner and a few of his friends will be there so I went.
But my parents were there. They told me I should leave and that they were not ready to speak to me.
My brother told me not to leave but my parents looked really uncomfortable with me being there. They kept looking at me but nobody spoke to each other apart from what they said to me initially.
I know it was my brother’s birthday but I haven’t seen my parents for years and I won’t lie I really screwed up when we did have a relationship. I last saw them when I was 17 and I technically broke into their house since I didn’t live there anymore.
They didn’t call the police or anything but they made me promise I would never contact them again.
This morning my brother also sent me texts from my parents saying that my brother should have warned them I would be there and that they were very upset.
AITJ? I know it’s my brother’s birthday party but my parents have had it rough because of me. I feel really awful that I’ve ruined this but I don’t know. If I left my brother would have been angry.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk because you were invited. Yes, you were a jerk in your past, and it sounds like you caused them a significant amount of trauma, but it also sounds like you’re very remorseful about it so you must have learned from what you did and feel bad about it.
The jerk here is your brother. He’s the cause of the issue – not because he invited you, but because he didn’t notify your parents, so you didn’t intend to cause any problems or make anyone uncomfortable. He also lied to you and said your parents wouldn’t be there when that’s clearly not the case.
All around, your brother shouldn’t lie to people and should learn how to actually communicate. That might solve the problems he is causing.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with NTJ but sliding towards ‘no jerks here’ — your bro wanted you there, and your parents didn’t.
It sounds like they have reason to be skeptical/hurt, and they have every right not to want to spend time with you if they’re not ready. The fact that you are aware of their feelings, your part in them, and want to respect them shows how far you’ve come in your recovery, which is awesome.
HOWEVER (and this is why I landed on NTJ) it’s not their party, and they don’t get to decide who is invited or stays. They could have left, and decided not to do so. Moreover (and I’m sure you know this) one of the big things that help with preventing relapses is having community and support, which your brother is offering you.
Don’t isolate yourself and risk your recovery to save your parents’ feelings when you are not actively hurting them.” Altruistic_Kale_3597
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was your brother’s party, he is the one who makes the calls on who can and can’t be there.
He invited you, and later he asked you not to leave. It’s a tough situation, and it was a jerk move on his part to lie to you and your parents by saying that they wouldn’t be there (and vice versa), but that is on him.
It’s definitely super awkward, but your parents could have left if they wanted to, they decided to stay.
What it seems like is going on here is that your brother was hoping that now that you are clean, maybe by getting all of you to come to the party, it could start mending the relationship between you and your parents, but that’s not something he should have done without talking to all of you in advance and seeing if that was something everyone was OK with.” Tdluxon
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Homeless Brother Move In With Me?
“My brother (28) and I have never had the best relationship growing up. He used to steal my money, collectibles, and video games to sell them for a smoke when we were younger in our teens/early 20s. I (32) moved out of my parent’s house at 22 cause I was tired of my stuff disappearing.
I have since forgiven my brother, but I still never trusted him to be in my home without me being there.
My brother recently got in trouble with the law over illegal substances and drinking and is no longer allowed to be in my parents’ home.
When he wanted to move in with me I told my mom NO absolutely not cause I can’t trust him. Which she understood, but when I told my brother that it was like I’m the bad guy for not helping my family ‘like you’re supposed to’, but I allowed his daughter/niece to stay with me for a week until my parents could find a temporary place to live.
Which in his eyes was a betrayal.
AITJ for not letting my brother live with me and helping him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have a reason for your boundary and if your brother hasn’t given you any reason to relax that boundary, why would you?
His legal troubles are the only evidence that you were right, and you did help him out by allowing the innocent kid to stay with you.
He’s mad because he got himself into that situation and would rather blame you than take responsibility for his actions and the consequences he has to face because of them.
Not being allowed to live in your home is one of them.” phenomstar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is a reason he is no longer allowed in your parents’ home. Just because you have forgiven your brother does not mean that you should be willing to put yourself in a position where you will need to forgive him again.
Of course, your brother said you were supposed to help him – he is manipulating you to do what he wants. You do not have to help your family, especially if they will steal from you. You are on firm ground here.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Addiction is tragic and destroys relationships. Unfortunately, it seems like your brother has not developed the resolve to clean up his habits and repair his life.
If you can articulate to your brother that he needs to clean up his life, go to rehab, and get the help he needs to repair his relationships and trust, do that – but he doesn’t sound like he is in a place to really listen and get help.” Independent-Length54
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Keep My Parents Away From My Daughter?
“Keep in mind, when I say, ‘keep them away’ from here, I don’t mean 0 contact forever and ever, I mean like, limited contact in this case.
My significant other Paige and I became parents at 17. Our daughter Lola is now 6.
When we told my parents we were pregnant, they were through the roof mad, and, in hindsight, I don’t blame them.
What frustrates Paige and me is they’ve never left that position and they almost seem to hunt for things to critique about our parenting.
When we told Paige’s parents she was pregnant, their opinion was, more or less, ‘You guys are idiots’, same with mine. The only difference is Paige’s parents have actually relaxed. They love being grandparents, bringing random gifts over, and the works. My parents stop by and it’s, ‘You became parents too young, you should’ve waited. Do you know what you’re doing?’
When my mom called, asking if she and my dad should come over Christmas Eve or Day to spend the day, I told them that, Paige and I’d talked and we both felt that what was best was if they could come over, bring the gifts, stay for 30-40 minutes, then leave.
My mom was hurt that I’d given them such a tight window, as was my dad. My point to them was, whereas Paige’s parents initially were worried about us being parents, they’ve left that in the past and now focus on giving Lola bundles of love and attention, while, every time she and my dad come over, we just relitigate the same argument from when I was 17.
My mom asked when I would drop my, what she views as animosity. I said that was up to her and dad and added that I have no issue, if need be, telling Lola that the reason she doesn’t see my parents is that they hate that Mom & Dad love each other.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They were right to be upset and worried when you had a kid at 17 because most people who have kids that young have a hard time handling the responsibility. You guys were the exception to the rule. Your parents need to accept that.
You beat the odds. You are loving, responsible parents. And if your parents can’t let their anger and frustration over what “could have been” go, they don’t need to be a big part of your life.” fred4me2
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.
You could have given them 0 time to spend with their grandchildren but you still gave them time. They shouldn’t be upset at you for not giving them time to spend with their grandchild when they were so rude and were probably upset when they found out about the pregnancy of the parents who made that grandchild.
They asked you if you know what you’re doing, and are showing that you know what you are doing by protecting your child early on from toxic grandparents.” Eviestevieoppar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s an understandable shock when you realize your teen is going to be a parent.
But your parents have had years to get over that shock and your daughter is getting to be old enough to take in their toxic view of her existence. It sounds like you’ve talked to your parents about it and they aren’t willing to change.
The only thing you can do is set up some healthy boundaries to protect your daughter. You can do either no contact or very limited, supervised contact with the warning that if they say anything negative, they don’t get to have contact in the future.
Do be careful about how you talk to your daughter about this though. It’s too easy for her to think it’s her fault that her grandparents are unkind.” Sodonewithidiots
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay An Equal Share Of The Rent?
“I (20F) live in a 3-bedroom apartment with my friend (20M), his sister (19F), and her SO (21M).
When we first moved into this apartment I had a prior agreement made with my friend that I would get the second biggest room, he would get the master by paying more on rent, and the small room would go to whoever came with us before the couple had joined us.
When they joined I agreed to give them my room in exchange for paying less on rent.
Today the guy decided he wasn’t happy anymore with me paying less and told me I should pay the same as them. I refuse to do so because we made this agreement beforehand, but he’s saying that it’s because I don’t supply the apartment with many groceries when he spends hundreds per week on groceries (I barely even eat here, I usually get food from or around work).
I disagreed because I also pay our internet bill and my fair share of the regular bills, but I’m still being asked to pay more.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but have you considered that going back to the previous agreement you had means you would pay more but you’d also get the bigger room back?
He sounds very dense but if he wants the old agreement back, that means all of the old agreement should come back not just the paying more part.” LunaticBZ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Also, this is why you always have an agreement IN WRITING before anyone moves into a shared living arrangement.
Things like the cost of each room, what utilities are shared or not, what chores folks do, what’s part of the common house fund vs. separate… this really needs to be hammered out.
The guy + friend’s sister moved in last and unless everyone re-arbitrated the arrangement, he does not get to get to change the agreement unilaterally.
Also, typically everyone shares in utilities like the Internet and common goods like toilet paper/soap but buys individual groceries.
I don’t think living with the couple is going to be compatible, to be honest.” Independent-Length54
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell them no again you are in the smallest room and that was the agreement.
If they keep it up then tell them the internet bill needs to be now split also. Point out what you pay for it alone and if that’s not good enough you can change the password.
Start buying your own groceries. Keep stuff separate and labeled in the fridge or buy a small fridge for the room.
Dry goods I’d keep in my room. Especially since it sounds like you eat out most of the time.” 9smalltowngirl
8. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Looking Through My Phone?
“I am 14f and have had privacy issues with my mum a lot. She looks through my phone, my Chromebook, my tablet, my texts, my music, my apps, EVERYTHING. I can’t have conversations with my friends online because of this. I can’t swear, my door can’t be closed, my phone is in her room when I sleep (for some reason), I can’t have TikTok, and no emailing people.
IT’S OVERWHELMING. I talked with her about it. she agreed to stop looking through my phone and that she’ll calm down on the rules.
I could finally have private conversations, and download Instagram, and TikTok, I was free!
Until she looked through my phone when she thought I was asleep.
I was having trouble sleeping but had shut my eyes anyway, and I heard her coming in. She picked up my phone and I could see her going through my phone, my pages, and my MESSAGES. I got up and asked her what she was doing.
and she said she was ‘protecting me’.
I shouted at her about how I felt betrayed, and hurt about how she can’t trust me. and she agreed to stop.
But then she did it the next day.
She lost it when she saw I was awake.
She screamed and shouted and I shouted back at her.
I haven’t talked to her since, but my dad is saying I should apologize, and that I was being immature and childish. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I wouldn’t apologize. Your mom is really overbearing and is being a total helicopter parent.
As a teenager, you should have a right to a reasonable amount of privacy. If your mom wants to see what you’re doing, she can put parental controls on your phone instead of rummaging through your things.
I don’t constantly monitor my kids’ phones 24/7 because I trust them.
If I find something questionable, I have a talk with them, and if I’m notified that they’re doing things they’re not supposed to if it’s a severe issue, I take their phones away.
Our job as parents isn’t to make our children feel like they’re walking on eggshells and have no privacy whatsoever.
It’s not to make our children feel as if they are not a completely separate human being with their own interests and activities. It is our responsibility to parent and to monitor them, but not to step up our monitoring to where we have to watch them like a hawk 24/7 with every step and breath they take.
Your mom is too controlling and overbearing and she needs to get therapy to help her pinpoint where this behavior is coming from and what’s causing her to not trust you.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being upset at the breach of trust and broken promise.
You do need to accept that you are only 14 and the amount of trouble you could get into on the internet is enough to make any caring parent insane. That being said, you are old enough to start taking responsibility for your own actions and to have a bit more autonomy.
She would do better to teach you how to protect yourself rather than just hover – but is that even possible? Is there a counselor or other appropriate 3rd party who might be able to help the two of you come to an agreement on limits to keep you safe that still give you some privacy?
Of course, she has to stand by anything agreed unless there is actual evidence you have broken the rules or gotten into trouble.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re only 14, and your mother should want to protect you. And there are people out there on the net that are bad news.
The catfish are lurking. That said, your mother is 100% in the wrong here for the way she’s approaching things, and she doesn’t see that all she’s doing is creating resentment, and she’ll be baffled by why you get out of the house as soon as you can.
You might wanna casually mention her behavior to relatives that you can trust to see this invasion for what it is. There’s no worse pressure than getting berated by siblings and mothers. Hopefully, they’ll target your mom.” chaingun_samurai
7. AITJ For Not Paying For An Accident That I Caused?
“I recently got into a car accident. I totally acknowledge I was at fault. My car was a total loss, and the person I hit had a lot of scratches and a bump but was still drivable (my car was a Prius, she had a much larger truck).
She had three young kids with her and was really hesitant to call the police during the accident and asked if I could cover the damage out of pocket. Tbh, I was kind of tempted to because no one likes dealing with insurance premium increases after an accident, but idk how laws and stuff work so I felt it would’ve been safer to just call the police and get an accident report.
After we called the police, and they asked for our license/registration/etc, it turns out the woman was driving without a license, which is illegal in my state. She was using her husband’s car. He had insurance on the car, so we exchanged info.
The police also told me she was getting cited for driving without a license with three young kids in the car. The police left us both with driver exchange forms with each other’s contact info and insurance info.
Obviously, everyone was unhappy with the situation and I had to go car shopping which was not fun, given the price of used cars right now.
Anyways, this happened about two weeks ago. I got a call today from the woman’s husband telling me that insurance was refusing to pay out because he had knowingly given his permission for someone unlicensed to drive his vehicle. Additionally, they were heavily fined and charged with a misdemeanor.
They are apparently very low-income, and this would definitely affect them and their kids. He asked me to help him fight with insurance and for assistance with court costs since I was at fault in the accident and no one would’ve found out if I hadn’t caused the accident.
I told him to please not contact me and to let our insurance handle it, as I don’t really know anything about these things. He yelled at me for not taking responsibility and ruining his family. I do feel bad, but I also feel like I did take responsibility for causing the accident.
I’m not asking for legal advice but AITJ for not helping them out of pocket for their damages after causing the accident?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! His wife ‘ruined’ his family by breaking the law. He ‘ruined’ his family by not having insurance. All you did was cause a few scratches and you were a responsible adult who pays their insurance and doesn’t commit misdemeanors.
You did what was legally required of you and now the insurance companies can handle it. They chose to gamble and not pay for insurance and now they are paying the price. That’s on them. You are not responsible for this couple’s financial situation or their lack of judgment.
If they can afford a car, they can afford insurance. If she doesn’t have a license, she shouldn’t be driving. Do not offer to pay – because if they see you as a pushover there is nothing to stop them from trying to scam you by coming back in a month saying the wife now has a back problem and the kids have trauma because of the accident and you need to pay their medical bills.
Block his number. You are not obliged to do anything more.” Winter-Travel5749
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are responsible for your actions and have admitted to being at fault for the accident.
They are responsible for their actions though. She drove without a license, so the consequences of that choice are hers.
While he was right that if you hadn’t caused the accident no one would have known she was driving illegally, by the same token if she wasn’t driving illegally she couldn’t have been in an accident.
You have insurance to cover the costs of an accident.
Their choices voided their insurance, which is not your fault. You both made mistakes, but that doesn’t make you responsible for cleaning up after theirs.” dave7243
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You accepted responsibility for the accident. It is then up to your insurance to take care of it (the purpose of insurance).
You are not responsible for their poor choices resulting in a claim denial along with the other fines. If they didn’t want to have any problems while they are low-income, they should have played it safe and not behaved as they did. If they actually tried to look around, they would likely have found some way of getting help running errands and the like.
At this point, since the husband called you and got angry with you, you should probably report to your insurance company that the husband made contact and was aggressive with you. Even if their own lawyers can’t help you with this, they can likely point you in the right direction.
Also, do not help them with rent or food. I get that you feel guilty overall, but all that they are doing is manipulating you. Your only knowledge that they are low-income is because THEY said so. That may not actually be true. Either way, providing them any assistance just opens the door for them to take advantage of your kindness (and finances) at any point in time even long after you have paid off the costs of the damage to the vehicle (which is ALL you should be responsible for).
Again, if they did not want to pay fines and get into trouble (they’ve probably lost their own insurance now and no one else will want to pick them up given the reason for the loss), they should not have played the dangerous gamble that they did.
Those problems are entirely on them and the only reason that the accident with you is involved is that that is what got them caught. If the accident hadn’t happened, the lady may have been pulled over a mile further up the road for something else.
They would have been found out then with the same consequences save for fixing the vehicle. Or perhaps they would never have been caught. We can never know, but since it sounds like there are hefty fines involved the reasonable thing would have been never to have changed it, to begin with.” ToriBethATX
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom That I'm Not Her Daughter?
“I (18m) am the youngest of 5 boys.
My mum has made it known that she always wanted a daughter. Because of this, as the youngest, I basically became a surrogate daughter. As long as I can remember my mum has always treated me like a girl, putting me in dresses, putting makeup on me, doing my nails, and a bunch of other stuff a mother would typically do with their daughter.
As a child, I kind of liked it since I was spending so much time with my mum, and to me, it was just normal. But as I got older and started to understand why she was doing it I started to dislike it and realized it wasn’t normal.
Today was my birthday. It was a pretty good day, till my mum told me she had a surprise for me and gave me a present. When I unwrapped it, it was a dress, some makeup, and a gift voucher to a club (i didn’t know they had those.
She told me that since I was 18 she could take me to the club and buy me my first drink as an adult. I got pretty angry and just screamed ‘I’m not your daughter and I never will be’. She started crying and I just left to my room and haven’t come out since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re still young and it can be a difficult thing to discuss, so I don’t blame you for not clearly saying it earlier. It might have been a bit of an extreme reaction with screaming at her, but it’s understandable that it’s the result of years of being treated like this.
Your mother may need some therapy or counseling to help her come to terms with the fact she doesn’t have a daughter – she’s projecting this ‘loss’ onto you. It might be an idea to sit down with her and tell her how you feel when the emotions have settled, and see if you can move forward together to still do things you both enjoy.” xMimichella
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… not even close…
And the fact that your mother treated you as a surrogate daughter is messed up. It is as messed up as kids who are parentalized by a single parent for any reason. I’m sorry you had to endure this… and honestly, you responded with the truth.
Period. If your mother is going to cry over the truth on your birthday now that you’re an adult, that’s on her. If it hurt… that’s also on her. I’m sorry that she never had the daughter she wanted but that is not a de facto reason to just make you fill the role… especially when you A) had no idea the real reasoning for it until later in life and B) could not consent.
Don’t even question this, you are not the jerk.” Scorpio_Qweer11884
Another User Comments:
“WHAT?!
Your mother needs serious help. I’m sorry that you have had to deal with this, and that your family has stood for it. It’s not your responsibility to handle this probably certifiable mental illness of some sort, and it’s unfair that it was put on you.
You are sweet to appreciate the closeness in retrospect; it sounds like you have a big heart, and you have been incredibly kind to your mother. However, this is hurting you. You had enough and responded to a frankly shocking present because it hurt your feelings.
NTJ
She needs to find another way to be close to you, and she needs to show her love for you as you are. She also really needs help, and you probably need help with this as well.
I’m sorry that love is often imperfect in this world.
It’s not your fault or your doing.” cleaningmama
5. WIBTJ If I Tell My Friend Not To Send Me A Christmas Card From Her Baby?
“I am a happily child-free adult. Babies have always made me super uncomfortable. I don’t like looking at them, being in their presence, or really hearing about them. I used to have panic attacks if I had to be near a baby or toddler, even for a minute or two.
If a baby or toddler touched me, I’d freak out and have to go wash off a few layers of skin. I don’t know what caused such an intense reaction, but it’s always been like this. I’ve been working on at least being more cordial and tolerant with babies and toddlers to the point that I no longer have panic attacks.
However, they still make me very uncomfortable and I don’t want anything to do with them.
I have a friend (we’ll call her Sally) who knows that I do not like babies and how uncomfortable they make me. Sally had a baby several months back.
I was polite and congratulated her. Ever since, every so often, she’ll randomly message me about her baby. She’ll start with ‘I know you don’t like babies, but…’ and then send pictures of her baby, tell me about toys or clothes she bought for her baby, etc. I usually reply in brief messages like ‘Nice’ or ‘Ok’ and leave it at that.
I don’t want to be mean, so I just give a minimal response. I delete photos immediately (usually our conversations too) cause I’m not interested. Sally and I are not, nor have we ever been, close friends.
Recently, Sally posted in a group chat we’re both in asking for people’s addresses if they want to receive a Christmas card from her baby (that’s how she worded it).
I figured if I didn’t fill out the document that would be an easy non confrontational way to ensure I would not be receiving baby pictures in the mail. Unfortunately, Sally messaged me privately today asking for my address so she could send a Christmas Card; so my silent opt-out is no longer an option.
Will I be the jerk if I tell her I don’t want a Christmas Card from her baby and to please stop sending me photos and updates about the said baby?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but bad news, Sally and all your friends are going to think you are one if you tell her not to send you a card.
Saying you don’t like babies is not the same thing as explaining you have a phobia, so I don’t think your friend is a jerk necessarily, but certainly annoying. If she knew how severe your phobia was and persisted, she would be going into jerk territory.
You have a few options here- I think telling her not to send a card is probably your worst option as far as your social happiness goes. You can ignore her message (‘Oh no I didn’t check, I forgot’). Although that might also cause problems.
You could give her your address, and just throw out the card without opening it, or have a friend open it and tell you what it says. If you don’t send a Christmas card back inevitably she will stop sending them, especially if she gets busier in her life.
As a fellow child-free person, I get the unsolicited baby nonsense. It sucks, if I send a pic of my cat to people who hate cats it’s not considered socially acceptable. Parents think child-free people are selfish, heartless, etc. Trying not to engage in a drama about it is the best approach.
In a nicer world, everyone would accept people’s reproductive choices and keep their opinions and children’s pics to themselves, but unfortunately, we do not live in such a world, and avoiding the drama will allow you to avoid social stigma.” oldclam
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
You don’t even need to open the card.
Use tongs to take it out of the mailbox and drop it immediately in the garbage.
Sally is being a little too obtuse about sharing her baby excitement, but this, literally and figuratively, is life. Sally could be lonely and struggling with the change of having a baby.
Everyone has issues.
It won’t harm you at all to be polite about mail.
Next time Sally messages you something about the baby, ask how she’s doing. (Sally, not the baby.) She could just be looking for dialogue with an adult, and baby-on-the-brain has limited the topics she can think of.
That could be a win-win for you both.” ComputerCrafty4781
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s simple, you have told her very clearly that it makes you uncomfortable and she has acknowledged it yet continues to not respect the boundaries you have asked her to maintain.
You have every right to politely request that she not bother wasting a stamp on a card you are ultimately going to bin without opening as it will cause you distress. You have a strong case to state this to her politely.
Granted you will come across babies in this world, but it’s impossible to avoid.
I feel similarly to you but understand I have to act completely tolerantly to their existence. It sounds like you are making an effort to do that too. That being said, there is a firm difference between being respectful and tolerating their presence in spaces they have every right to be in and tolerating them being thrust upon you against your will.
Your friend is pushing the latter on you and that is rude and unsympathetic no matter how irrational someone may perceive a phobia to be.
My friends with children understand I feel this way and have been SO cool about it. I’m beyond grateful to them and, in fact, their respect towards my feeling has actually made me feel more comfortable around their babies as I know I can be in the room with one and not fear it being forced on me.” Nulleparttousjours
4. AITJ For Cutting My Ex's Access To My Streaming And Amazon Accounts?
“Me (37m) and my ex (F36) ended our relationship last year. During the 8 years we were together I became a father to her kids (not legally but they are my kids).
After the break up we were friends for several months but I haven’t talked to her since June, and the kids haven’t really talked to me for about 2 months. The kids are teens (15/16/17), so I understand they are probably just being teens and not worried about talking to me.
My ex and kids still use all my streaming accounts and she uses my Amazon Prime to buy stuff for herself and her new SO. I want to just remove access to all of them since no one is talking to me or basically in my life, and yes I have reached out with no response.
It bugs me that I am paying for these subscriptions and she and her new SO are benefiting from it, but I also don’t want to take these subscriptions away from my kids. I also feel like taking away the Amazon now would make me a jerk because it’s Christmas time.
But I also know I need to move on and stop allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I would just let the kids have the passwords but of course, she would get it somehow anyway so I feel like I either remove it entirely or not at all.
Would I be a jerk for changing all the passwords?
Update: I have begun changing passwords and removing devices from my accounts. I am not offering any explanation or giving any heads-up because I realized I don’t need to. I am not going to lie, I still feel like a petty jerk even though I shouldn’t, but that’s just my personality.
Also, she was using her own cards to buy things. I didn’t really mind until she added her new SO to the address list and that’s when I started this whole idea of moving on. Pathetic, I know.
When I say the kids were being teenagers and not contacting me I meant they had their own lives going on and I just am not high on their list of priorities.
I believe we have a good relationship still, but their mom needs to provide them streaming since I am not involved right now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have tried reaching out to her and the kids and really haven’t heard anything back.
They have moved on in their lives and sadly apparently you are not a part of it.
WHY on earth would you continue to pay for your ex to use your PRIME account (does she actually pay for her own stuff or use your credit card?) Why do you want to be a doormat for the ex and allow her to continue to use anything you pay for?
Let the new guy pay for the subscriptions or she can get accounts in her own name. Allowing them to continue using these passwords and accounts is just asking for trouble in the long run.
You do realize that it is very possible for them to change your passwords and lock you out of your own accounts?
Change ALL your passwords – email, accounts, EVERYTHING!
Then send the kids a text telling them you either canceled your accounts or had to change all of your passwords so they won’t have access to the streaming services anymore. But don’t send that text until AFTER you’ve done this – otherwise they may lock you out of your account.
Get the kids a gift subscription to one or more of the streaming services they use as a Christmas present (give it to them early if you like or don’t change the passwords until right before Christmas, then send the gift with a note that you changed your passwords)- then once the gift is up they need to continue to pay for it if they want to keep it and you are not on the hook for it.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“I understand you love them and consider them your kids, but the hard truth is they aren’t.
Perhaps the only reason they aren’t answering is that the break up has been hard on them because they are back to school and overwhelmed or whatever, but there is an equal chance that it is because they feel like they don’t have to anymore.
Or maybe they are really getting along with New bf and feel less connected to you
What is important here is that you need to understand what life is going to be like now. If they ever need something, they could be asking you, but if there was something you wish for them not to have or not to do, you will always be met with ‘you’re not my/their father.’
You will never again have a say in their education. You will not be co-parenting. You have no authority over them whatsoever. If something happened to your ex, the kids probably won’t be given to you either because the thing is, in the end, legally, you are not their dad.
You’re not as much a part of their life as before, so things will inevitably change.
I think you need to move on.
NTJ if you change the password, but overall, no jerks here.” Pasdusername
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you would be very naïve if you didn’t stop their use.
You ended your relationship last year, so this is at least eleven months ago. It’s time you moved on. Unfortunately, it looks like the kids don’t consider you their dad, even if you do so, or they would be making some sort of effort.
Change all passwords starting with your email address used to log in/forgot password, then change all passwords that anyone else knows, including subscription and social media accounts. Otherwise, you might be unknowingly funding their Christmas gifts.” Maximoose-777
3. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Partner Things About My Family?
“My partner and my mom have a nice enough relationship. However, my mom tends to be a bit judgy, and she is so with my partner too. She often makes assumptions about her (about me as well) which I don’t understand and often don’t agree with (she doesn’t just point out every now and then something that my partner does that she doesn’t agree with, she flat out makes assumptions about her intentions for doing something/deeper parts of her personality that she doesn’t know and so on).
Obviously, my partner doesn’t actually know about these, but maybe this could be a useful element to use for this story.
My mom very often tells me not to tell my partner something. For example, today we received news that my dad could lose his job.
Sucks, right? Especially considering I still live with my parents, so these needs directly affects me too. Well, I’m not allowed to talk about this to anyone, especially my partner. Mom said so.
Oh, there’s some bad family history? Sorry, your partner can’t know this.
This stays between our family.
This doesn’t stop at negative things.
She’s having an interview for a new job? Great news! Better tell… Oh wait, I can’t. Mom said so!
This is becoming so frustrating that I might as well just ignore her. In my opinion, she has no right to decide what I can and can’t talk about with my partner.
I would understand if she wanted to keep some more sensitive things to herself, but at this rate, it’s becoming ridiculous. It’s annoying even listening to her saying not to tell anyone. I told her that I think that she’s afraid of being judged, just like she does to other people, but that she shouldn’t care, and she says that she doesn’t, but her actions say otherwise.
She says that my partner would tell this to her family and she’s not okay with it (however, this is another assumption as my partner never betrayed my trust with something like this). AITJ? And WIBTJ if I just ignored her and told my partner everything I wanted from now on?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom sounds really insecure or like she really doesn’t trust your partner. I’d get it if she didn’t want you talking to your gf about super personal things but getting an interview isn’t personal, if anything it could be something to celebrate.
Your dad being out of work can have an effect on you & your partner if you’re planning on moving in together soon. If dad can’t contribute you’re most likely gonna have to cover more finances meaning you’d have less to save. Some things are worth talking to your partner about regardless of how your mom feels.” User
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you broke your mother’s confidence like that. These are things she feels comfortable sharing with you because you are her son, but she’s not comfortable sharing outside the family.
Consider the reverse. Let’s say you tell her you’re interviewing for a job or that you might be diagnosed with X, but not tell anyone.
But she goes and tells your extended family. And the next time you gather, suddenly everyone knows and is asking you about it, and it’s awkward because you didn’t get the job, or because the illness was a false alarm.
Everyone has different expectations of privacy.
Don’t break your mother’s privacy just because you feel it’s not that important. While you can’t talk to your gf about it, you can still talk about it with your parents or other people whom your mum is ok with you sharing.” Cats-in-the-rain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a grown adult, and clearly, mom is afraid of judgment… and perhaps a tad controlling. Use your best judgment to tell your partner what you feel is appropriate about your life. Your mom tells something strictly personal to you in confidence?
Maybe keep it quiet out of respect. Your mom gives you general news about the family. Irrational to ask you to keep it to yourself.
Also, if you wish to have healthy relationships with this girl or future partners, set boundaries with your mom NOW.
Practice practice practice and hold your ground. Enabling, controlling, and competitive mothers are the death of relationships.” thegainfulgardener
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Do you think your partner actually wants to be involved in all this family drama? Let alone either on the receiving end of her own ‘you’re not supposed to know this, so don’t tell anyone,’ or blindsided because you didn’t warn her something was supposed to be confidential?
(Which, by the way, will just vindicate your mom’s distrust, so maybe this is what she’s been goading you toward all along.)
Give your mom one last blanket warning that you don’t want to keep any more secrets, period, so she’d better not share things with you she’s not ready to have shared. If she ignores you, then so be it, but I’d still be extremely sparing in what you feel the need to confide or vent about.” mm172
2. AITJ For Telling My Daughter To Stop Making A Scene At The Skating Rink?
“I have 2 daughters, M and D with my ex and a stepdaughter, O with my husband.
All 3 girls have a big hobby of skating. M and D have been doing it since they were young and O also took it up. As M got older, she mostly skated with her husband and they made up some very nice routines together.
He passed last year and M’s pretty much refused to step foot in a rink since then.
We celebrated Thanksgiving in NY with my husband’s family this year, M, D, and O were all there. We had a day out on our last day, and all the cousins were planning on skating, so M was convinced that she should give it a try now.
All tickets had been bought and paid for/gifted by my SIL (no refunds). When M got there, she flat-out refused to go on. O tried to comfort her and say it was okay, and the ticket had already been bought. It looked bad, that my SIL had spent all this money on buying tickets and now M was pulling this, and I could see SIL starting to get mad at M.
I went up to her privately and said she can just go on for a little bit, all the family is here and it’ll be fun. She insisted no and started crying. I told her to stop making a scene and embarrassing herself in front of everyone.
M got upset, and D came off to sit with her. M refused to talk to me afterward, and she wouldn’t interact much with anyone else except D. Obviously she’s upset and D wasn’t happy with me either. But my husband and most of the family there saw/know what happened, and they said M should’ve at least, or opted out in the first place.
AITJ, for saying that to my daughter at the rink?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sure, she is grieving her husband, but she should put that aside because someone spent money on tickets. SIL is the jerk for getting angry about this and not being sensitive to M’s feelings, and you are the jerk for not standing up for your daughter and turning all her grief down to ‘a scene.’
All of this could have been avoided, first of all, if SIL had shown some sensitivity and gotten tickets to anything other than a skating rink, or when you got there if all of you had shown a life of empathy and backed off when it was obvious that M was having issues with the event.
Instead, everyone was more concerned with getting their money’s worth out of the tickets than showing love and concern for the grief of someone that they claim to love.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“This is in such clear YTJ territory, the fact that you cannot see it is what is even more disturbing.
Instead of understanding her grief, all you cared about was somebody else’s money and how things looked. And then you tried to scold her and say SHE was embarrassing YOU? The only person whose behavior was embarrassing here was yours. Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.
People look to their mothers for comfort in their times of emotional distress, but you sound quite awful, honestly. And so does the rest of your family that thought she should have just given it a try. With a family like that, who needs enemies?
While you owe your daughter a huge apology and probably counseling to understand just why you did what you did, I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter doesn’t speak to you for a while.” leolionbag
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are the jerk and let me spell out to you why.
Your daughter lost her husband only a year ago, to someone that lost a loved one that’s like a week. To expect her to skate, something they loved to do together, is heartless.
Your SIL bought those tickets knowing your daughter’s issues with skating. You all knew that she possibly won’t do it, especially after she literally said she’d ‘give it a try’ implying the possibility of her not going through with it.
Her coming with you was most likely her trying her hardest, she does not need your permission to step out of something she feels uncomfortable with.
You go on to berate her for making a scene while being the cause of said scene. You could’ve easily said okay to her not wanting to skate.
She knows what the plan for the day was and as far as I read didn’t tell any of you to not skate, as a grown woman she is probably able to entertain herself for a few hours. You tried to convince her to do something she said no to multiple times and when she reacted like anyone would when their feelings get completely ignored you told her she was embarrassing you.
You are a nightmare of a mother, OP.” vibeagra
1. AITJ For Not Telling My Sister My "Itinerary" While I Stay At Her House?
“I am a 19-year-old female and my sister is 31. I am a singer and actress and our mom is my manager. I have been gaining a lot of traction in my career booking my first consistent Netflix role and my sister lives in a different state with her two children in their new house.
My mom and my sister used to be very close when she was my age but now they barely speak.
My sister has always been weird about a family staying at her house but very passive-aggressive about it always talking about family behind their backs and never telling the person about the problem.
I hadn’t stayed with her for two years because of this. but she has been insisting that she does want family around and doesn’t mind us there despite what we think.
I had a really big producer reach out to me about working together in the state my sister lives in.
I asked her if I and mom could stay from Tuesday-Saturday and she said of course. It was the week of thanksgiving so I thought we would spend it as a family but instead, she sent my nephews to their (deadbeat) father’s house and went to her parnter’s house leaving me and my mom alone in her house on thanksgiving without a word.
we went to my moms best friends house and decided to stay there until Saturday because we felt so unwelcome!
The day before we leave, the producer calls me and asks if we could stay an extra day & have one more studio session. also, someone we worked with died that morning and my mom got sick the night before.
Saturday morning were still at my mom’s friend’s house and my cousin texts me ‘hey we still leaving today?’ because she was driving back with us. I said ‘no staying an extra day’ because we had just booked the hotel. we didn’t even consider staying at my sisters
That night we head back to my sister’s house to get our stuff and she immediately has an attitude when we walk in the door. my mom says hello and tries to hug her but she is cold and says ‘What is your itinerary’ with an attitude.
My mom walks away because it was rude. We pack our stuff and load the car ready to go. My sister is in her room the whole time with no intention to say bye. I walk back inside and she immediately starts yelling at me while on the phone with my cousin, saying ‘I need to know your itinerary.
I need to know what’s going on! Why am I hearing you’re staying here longer? you have no respect.’
I didn’t understand because she kept saying itinerary when itinerary means activities, when (didn’t realize at the time) she wanted to know when we were leaving and if we were staying at her house longer.
She didn’t even give us a chance to tell her our plans and disregarded them when we told her we never changed when we were leaving her house. She continues to yell at me unnecessarily and I say ‘why are you yelling?’ She says ‘BECAUSE IT’S MY HOUSE.’ I say well you won’t catch me here in ‘your house’ again.
She says ‘good, everyone is sick of you anyways’ and a bunch of other uncalled-for things. I run out and her partner chases me saying she didn’t mean it. I immediately delete her number and block her on everything.
Personally, I think it’s fine if you don’t want family at your house.
But don’t say ‘come’ and then make everyone feel unwelcome. Also, she should’ve just asked ‘hey are you guys staying longer and are you staying here’ without the immediate attitude and aggression or just so AITJ?
Also, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to know but it was the way she went about it indirectly and didn’t ask straight up.
It could’ve been cleared up quickly.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She opened her home to you, despite not wanting or liking having guests, at short notice. Why should she change her prearranged plans because you’re coming to visit for no other reason than an audition?
It’s not like the purpose of the visit was to spend thanksgiving with her anyway, it just happened to fall when you were there. It might have been the kids’ holiday with their dad. You want to see them? Make an effort and see when they/your sister are available.
There’s a reason she doesn’t want you and your mum there. I’m betting that is because of your attitude and entitlement. You had time to book a hotel, and you and your mum had time to text saying plans had changed. No one owes you a favor.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Family dynamics are complicated to convey in these posts but it sounds like your sister has control issues and that causes her to lash out. Why do you need to tell someone your itinerary when you’re not staying at their house?
She ditched you for Thanksgiving and didn’t reach out while you were staying at your mom’s friend’s house. There was no reason to go off on you when you were simply packing your stuff to take to a hotel.
Sister needs to unclench.” Unlucky-Dare4481
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ because you WERE staying with her, and could have had the respect to just let her know you’d booked a hotel instead.
When your cousin asked if you were staying the extra day, she had probably told your sister. It all could have been avoided by direct communication.
And if you didn’t understand the term itinerary, then you should have asked your mom/manager. It’s not an unreasonable request.” WholeAd2742
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister’s a lousy hostess and should just be honest with you that she doesn’t like having people stay at her house.
However, it’s reasonable that, if your stay was extended, she should know. It seems pretty clear she was confused about whether you were staying at her house for the extra day or not, but you’re caught up in your own narrow definition of ‘itinerary’ as an excuse for not answering her.
This should have been an easy conversation but you both made it so difficult.” JeepersCreepers74
