People Ask Us To Give Them Advice Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Calling My Husband Insane For Missing Work Because I Didn't Iron His Uniform?
“Days ago, I (a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids) was in the midst of doing laundry when my husband (breadwinner, who works as a pilot) asked if I could iron his uniform before his shift. I didn’t say ‘yes’ because I was busy (laundry then kids homework then cooking etc…).
I said I may not find the time to do it. He turned around and walked away completely ignoring what I was saying.
An hour later, he came downstairs freaking out asking why I didn’t iron his uniform when he asked me to.
I told him I was busy and reminded him of how I didn’t say yes to his request. He blew up saying that I obviously don’t care about him displaying ‘professionalism’ at work (um..it’s just a uniform? It’s not like it was dirty just needed some ironing).
He lectured me about how his work is important and that although I am a stay-at-home mom, I still should make his job a priority. He decided to miss his shift as a way to ‘teach me a lesson’ and show me how my lack of cooperation and my refusal to help him out could affect the funds that keep coming in.
I called him insane for missing the shift, and he got offended and called me a hypocrite for calling him insane and acting all surprised when it was me who caused this situation to happen.
I mean I could have taken some time off doing my chores to iron his uniform, but still thought his reaction was a bit much.
AITJ?
Why he didn’t iron the uniform himself? Because I am the one who usually does the ironing and he said it’s ‘on the list’ of my house chores list which’s true, but I don’t give it a priority like other chores like homework or laundry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… men can iron things they are not stupid… they are humans with the same capabilities. They can use irons.
As to ur husband specifically… the man can fly a plane but can’t make himself presentable for work?!?
Nonsense. Tell him that if he’s unhappy with how u handle his clothes, he can do his own laundry. Then stop doing his laundry. Trust me his missing that shift and saying the money will be affected… empty threat.
He knows he can’t miss work like that frequently without actually jeopardizing his job…Clearly, image is important to him (hence the freak out over ironing in the first place)… and his image is probably closely tied to his job and being the breadwinner.
He’s not going to jeopardize that.
He won’t lose his job. He will have to do his own laundry and go to work. Cause he has no choice but to do so or sacrifice his self-image, standard of living, and future financial stability.
The threat he made actually hands the power to you cause u can call his bluff.” ButterflyGirlie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand how skipping work could be a reasonable reaction to having an unironed shirt. I seriously doubt that the plane would have come crashing to the ground if his clothes were a little wrinkled.
You were working hard to care for and provide for your children and household. It sounds to me like he wanted an excuse to avoid responsibility, while simultaneously laying the blame at your feet. My dad is in his late 60s and he irons his own shirts every day.
He has ironed his own shirts for my entire life. Is there something preventing your husband from learning to iron his own clothing? Care of your children takes priority over a simple, 5-minute task that he can easily handle himself.
I don’t think that your husband values your work. And yes, parenting is work. It’s messy, unpaid, nonstop WORK. It’s extremely immature of him to punish you for his own actions. You don’t deserve to have your contributions minimalized while he treats you like a misbehaving child.
I am sorry that he isn’t treating you as an equal. You deserve better.
For the sake of you and your family, I hope that you and your husband are able to have a mature conversation about why his behavior was not okay.
Your children will remember how he treats you, and they will normalize it. Is that the life you want for them? Don’t you want them to know that their mother is loved and valued in her own home? Don’t you deserve to be appreciated?” whenthecatmeows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t iron his shirts and let him miss his shifts. Interesting choice of pettiness on his part. It’s almost as if he thinks your being a stay-at-home mom means that you only value him for his money/you’re ‘leeching’ off of him.
Probably why he feels so entitled to you ironing his shirt and without that, money is a consequence. Not a good sign.
Either way, let him miss work and tantrum about it. That’s only going to affect him as much as it’ll affect you (insofar as steady income flow).
He’s banking on you to be threatened by his subtle attempt to withhold finances from you. Call his bluff by not playing his game.
Or, if you want to be pettier (which I don’t really recommend but it’s your life lol) you can iron his shirt on the highest setting and burn it.
Oops!” biglysmally
17. AITJ For Eating Strawberries At The Office?
“So I (25f) work in a pretty big office in a big city. The floor I work on is specifically for a branch of the company so there are only a dozen people on that floor.
I bring my lunch every day because most of the time I don’t have time to get up and get food for myself. One of my favorite foods is strawberries and I eat them all the time.
About a week ago a woman I’ll call Jane (47f) started working in the room about 7 doors down from me.
A couple of days ago I pulled out my lunch and started munching on my strawberries while trying to type an e-mail. Jane knocks on my door and asks me what I am doing. She says this in a very high-pitched, annoyed tone, so I am taken aback and All I can murmur out is a small ‘what-‘ before she starts yelling at me.
She goes on about how I should know she’s allergic and that even smelling strawberries can cause her a severe reaction. I cough on my strawberry and rush to put it back in its container and she gets even angrier that I didn’t already know.
I apologize and put my food back in my lunch box then put it in the drawer of my desk.
The next day I go to my supervisor (I’ll call Derrick) to talk about the situation and ask if we could maybe put a sign up at the entrance of our office floor that tells us what allergies our coworkers have that way we can avoid mistakes that happened the day before.
He looks at me confused and asks what I am talking about. I explain what happened the day before and he sighs and explains to me that Jane has no proven documentation about her allergy and didn’t put it on any allergies on the employee information sheet when she was employed.
I sigh with relief and ask if it’s okay I bring my strawberries the next day and he says it’s perfectly fine. So the next day I brought my strawberries and Jane goes off on me as I open my lunch and claims I am trying to hurt her.
She says this loud enough all of my other coworkers gather around my door and see what’s going on. Jane storms out and about half of my coworkers tell me I am a jerk for doing that to her and walk out with her.
The other half sits there and tells me it’s fine and that she did the same thing to them but with different foods (examples: carrots, beans, avocado. Etc).
I am getting a lot of angry emails calling me a jerk and I feel horrible but some of my coworkers are saying I did nothing wrong.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If she’s done this to other coworkers about other foods, I am willing to bet she either just doesn’t like the smell or she likes the drama and attention. There’s no allergy involved, or she would have documentation.
Anytime you need accommodation at work for your health, you have to provide documentation.
Ask your supervisor if they can send out an email to everyone saying that any allergies must be registered with the workplace if accommodations are needed – hopefully that will stop the emails and hate.
Also, let them know that this person shouted at you again for just eating your lunch.” Swirlyflurry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but keep in mind not having ‘proof’ you have an allergy doesn’t mean you don’t have an allergy. Allergy testing is super expensive and sometimes the results aren’t entirely accurate so your coworker may just not have had it done.
That being said, the way she’s going about telling you she has an allergy is so rude and unnecessary. She’s the jerk here. You accommodated her the first time, checked with your boss, and were even apologetic when she was rude to you.
If she has a serious allergy she needs to have a conversation with her boss and as them to inform everyone. (Also I know people with strawberry allergies who go into anaphylaxis if they’re in the same room as a strawberry and I have over 40 allergies so I take them very seriously.
Still, NTJ!)” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s going into your room during your lunch hour.
She yells at you for not knowing something it’s impossible for you to know about.
She’s done the same to other coworkers about OTHER foods.
She’s documented exactly zero of her supposedly deadly allergies with her employer.
You need to have a talk with your manager again. List the other things she’s claimed deadly allergies to, and who she’s said them to.
The manager needs to ask her for a doctor’s note listing all the things she has a severe allergy to so that the manager can accommodate her need in the workplace. Until then, during lunch hour she shouldn’t go into other people’s offices.” Ohcrumbcakes
16. AITJ For Making Plans And Not Being Available To Babysit My Siblings?
“So I (15f) made plans a few weeks ago to go out with my friends over the Halloween half term and told my mum which she said was ok since she’s always adamant I need to tell her in advance.
I reminded her today however and she got super angry and told me I shouldn’t have scheduled this since she has work and my older sister already had booked plans with her friends ice-skating or something so there is no one to look after my two younger siblings.
I got sad and told her it was unfair for me to have to give up my plans just to be some free babysitter and she could just hire one but she said that was not going to happen and I love my siblings so I could do this for them.
But I told her in advance so she had time to get one.
I don’t really know what to do and all my friends are annoyed I gave up my plans for her knowing all the stunts she’s pulled on me before and I am really in between.
AITJ?
Update: My friend group is supportive and encourages me to not put up with it. My mum and dad aren’t super close, mostly together for convenience, but my dad works extensive hours and is rarely home. I am certainly not the golden child, my sister is a few years older than me and has always been a lot better in most aspects so I am sure you can assume why.
I went to a friend’s mum. She contacted my mum and offered to pay for a babysitter.
My mum is mad but accepted, she has known this mum for a long time, and refusing would be rude I guess?
My mum is still hostile to me for ‘telling on her’ for selfish reasons and making my ‘dear siblings’ stay with a stranger for the night but it’s not like I’ll even be out late. My older sister doesn’t know about anything going on and I’d prefer to keep it that way, my mum still hasn’t admitted she’s in the wrong.
Anyway, I don’t think my mum is happy with this and is currently giving me the silent treatment.”
Update: Yesterday was Halloween as all know. I went trick or treating last night and everything was good until she called me at about 8 pm asking me to come back home despite us all ready arranging a time for me to come home.
Got angry and tried to make my dad pick me up to get me home. Ended up turning off my phone and enjoyed my evening, did get the phone taken away at home ‘for a week’ but since I am on it right now, I am sure you can guess I ignored that.
More silent treatment to come.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t a free babysitter and especially not around the clock. Your mother decided to have kids. It’s her fault for not organizing correctly. She could just do a family calendar and write down you have something planned at that time and won’t be available.
Your older sister could just as well cancel her plans, it’s just ice skating. Your mum is the jerk here and you did nothing wrong.
It can’t be that you have to give up your teenage years/fun/experience because she wanted more kids and doesn’t get a babysitter now because ‘you love your siblings and therefore can babysit them’.
Like, whaaat?!” Mundane_Sunday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother must recognize that she is the adult and parent, not you. You told her ahead of time that you had plans, and it’s her fault that she needs to fix it.
Just because you don’t look after your siblings doesn’t mean you don’t love them. She is literally manipulating you. I understand that many countries are struggling right now and that your mother may be in desperate need of funds to pay bills or for other necessities.
But she shouldn’t expect you to just abandon your plans. How come she didn’t make your sister cancel her plans?
Would you say you/your sister have more responsibility as a parent than she does? If that’s the case, I’d look up parentification.
If you understand the concept and believe it applies to your life, you should talk to someone. A school counselor or therapist, for example. She may not be fully aware of what she is doing and simply needs to be redirected.” madhatterjacker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are her child and the fact that you even put up with her rule about having to consult with her before making any plans of your own, is going above and beyond what a 15-year-old child should have to do.
She should have to ask you whether you’re available to babysit in advance and you have the right to say no at any time.” True_Difficulty_6291
15. AITJ For Not Inviting My Father's Relatives To My Wedding?
“I (26f) and my fiance (27m) have been together since we were 18. Our wedding is in December of this year.
My dad’s family and I have never really gotten along.
I was disowned from his side of the family for coming out at bi when I was 14. Luckily my mom’s side and the rest of the family were very supportive. I have had a rocky relationship with them ever since.
My fiance and I want a small wedding just close family and friends. When we were final checking our guest list, my dad mentioned that his parents, brothers, their wives, and my cousins weren’t on our invite list. but thought they were coming, I informed my dad that they weren’t invited and shouldn’t be coming.
This really upset my dad. He told me that I was being unfair about something that happened years ago and that I needed to let it go and invite my entire family to celebrate with me because I am intentionally going out of my way to hurt his and their feelings.
He also said if I didn’t invite them he wouldn’t be coming to my wedding and that I was acting like a brat and a child.
My mom and stepdad are in full support of me and my mom offered to walk me down the aisle if he doesn’t show.
My fiance also supports my choice. But my future MIL thinks I need to calm down and extend an olive branch to them by inviting them.
My phone has been blowing up with texts and calls from my dad and his family about needing to invite them and calling me a jerk.
I feel like maybe I am acting childish and should just grow up and invite them. But I am not sure. I do feel really bad they feel excluded.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You were disowned by these people at 14, they haven’t reached out to undo that, why should they be invited?
Your dad is ridiculous if he thinks they should be there after doing that to his kid. I would tell dad, if they want to reach out and make what THEY did right, by apologizing to you, then great. You shouldn’t have to reach out and make it right, you didn’t disown them.
Disown, means they want nothing to do with you, why your dad and anyone else think you should be contacting them is just crazy.” Ljcoen81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. By insulting you they prove again, that they are not worthy to have them at your wedding.
Invite people to your wedding, that you want to celebrate with. Persons, that you want to spend time with. That e.g. are remembering your birthday, ask you how your exams went. Everybody else: Not needed on your wedding day.
They will make drama.
I know this from other weddings that such kinds of guests will have a grumpy faces like it would be a funeral. And they will nag about everything that is possible. The food, the music, your friends and will be the center of attention with their behavior.
Don’t invite persons that insult you!” NixKlappt-Reddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, when someone disowns you, you don’t have to invite them to your events. That’s like, the main perk of being disowned.
Amazing how they seem to think shouting at you will make you more likely to do what they say.
Instead of apologising.
THEY ARE THE ONES WHO SHOULD HAVE EXTENDED AN OLIVE BRANCH.
You do not have to even start the emotional work of THINKING ABOUT forgiving people for treating you badly until they have, at the very least, apologized and acknowledged the wrong that they did.” ViolaVetch75
14. AITJ For Not Serving My Mother-In-Law And Sister-In-Law My Nephew's Food?
“My and my husband’s nephew (biologically his nephew) is the middle of three kids and has sensory processing disorder. This impacts how he eats. His diet is far more strict and limited than others in the family and rarely does he get to eat a full meal outside of his home because most people will just expect him to eat whatever they are willing to provide.
My husband and I, with the help of my husband’s sister and BIL, have always made sure he has a meal when we host a family dinner. We even went out and bought dividing plates so he could have a safe meal since he cannot eat food that touches each other.
Typically two dinners will be made. One that everyone else will enjoy and that tends to be popular and the one with his safe foods. My SIL and her husband have always been so happy to have someone in the family who wants to make their son feel… important enough to include in that way.
And to make him feel less strange because his parents have to bring snacks for him to other people’s houses normally.
Not all of the family has been understanding of the nephew. My husband’s other sister, SIL mentioned in the title, has commented that nephew is coddled and he should be eating healthier and more expansively than he does and that her sister and BIL are letting the kids rule the roost. Their other two kids do not eat the same as nephew.
They have larger diets that are more in line with what she thinks he should be eating, and I have pointed that out to her before, but she thinks her nephew is just as capable as his siblings.
SIL and MIL, the last time we hosted, complained that nephew had such a full meal made for him when they also had a full meal made for them.
My husband told them he deserves a full meal. They said if he could get noodles, they should be able to get them too. I replied that we only made enough for nephew. They told me they wanted noodles. Nephew was upset so my husband told his mom and sister to knock it off.
They suggested we should take the noodles from nephew and give it to them. My husband said they could leave if they kept it up.
After dinner, I told them they were not getting nephew’s safe foods and that everything provided in their meal was their preference so why were they acting like that?
They said it was rude to provide food at a dinner party that not all of the guests can eat. I said they don’t mind doing that every time nephew eats at their house. They told me it was different.
I told them to accept the food we provided for them or they didn’t need to come, but I wouldn’t take from nephew to give to them.
They said I was a rude host and inappropriate. My husband made them leave.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Next time you host, serve nephew’s bland, safe foods to everyone. When people question it, tell them that MIL and SIL insisted that it was rude to serve nephew a different meal not provided to everyone.
Since nephew cannot eat what you would have provided for everyone else, it naturally follows that the only way to make MIL and SIL happy was to serve everyone food that your nephew can eat.
‘Bon Appétit, and be sure to thank MIL and SIL for simplifying the menu for everyone!
I never would have done it if they hadn’t objected so strongly to him getting a different meal. They said that serving the exact same thing to every person was the only way to be fair, you know.’ (Cue sweet smile.)
NTJ (But I am and I would 100% do this.)
Edit to add: Don’t forget to ensure that the portion sizes are exactly the same, too. We have to be fair, you know, and since your nephew couldn’t possibly finish an adult portion, everyone else will just have to eat smaller portions as well.” maddiep81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were a gracious host and so understanding of your nephew’s issues and handled having to cook different foods for him, on top of the meal for everyone else, with grace. MIL and SIL are trouble makers and I would not invite them back for a meal, ever.
It is hard enough for your nephew to find something to eat that doesn’t trigger his SPD (sensory processing disorder), and from your story, he seemed to understand what MIL and SIL were saying about his ‘special meal’ and it was making him feel bad about himself and his SPD.
He doesn’t need his own family to be acting like this so don’t expose him to those horrible people again, at least in your own home.” Accomplished-Dog3715
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘They said it was rude to provide food at a dinner party that not all of the guests can eat.
I said they don’t mind doing that every time nephew eats at their house.’
Perfectly stated by you. It may be a bit different because your nephew didn’t have to have snacks brought along to sustain him at your home, so it’s different because you actually make the effort to see to it that nephew can enjoy his meal when the dinner party is at your home and they don’t even care to offer that same consideration to him!” jammy913
13. AITJ For Putting My Daughter First?
“I (36f) have a daughter (9f) from a previous relationship. My husband (35m) has a son (8m) from a previous relationship. We share 50/50 placement with each of their other parents.
We have them on the same days and we don’t have them on the same days.
My stepson had broken his shoulder in a football game 6 weeks ago. I had been to every appointment since it happened. His baby mama (36f) went to the first appointment with my husband and myself but chose to go out of town for the rest. As soon as we got the appointment date and time I let her know when it was and told her that if it didn’t work for her she could let us know so we could work out a different time.
I think it’s important for her to be there for my stepson. My husband found out that baby mama had changed the appointment time without telling him. The same day, later time. It was the other parent’s day to have the kids.
When my daughter is with her dad for a weekend, I take her for dinner on his Fridays. We’ve had that set up through court for 4 years (yes she knows this arrangement). It also happened to be trunk or treat at the kid’s school that night (part of the reason we made the appointment for the earlier time, to begin with).
If I had gone to the appointment at the changed time, I would have missed dinner and trunk or treat with my daughter. She already feels like her stepbrother gets more attention because he doesn’t have the best behavior. My husband understands that I wasn’t able to go to the appointment and supports me about it.
My stepson and his baby mama are saying that I am a jerk for not going to the appointment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, I think there were valid reasons for choosing either the doctor’s appointment or dinner with your daughter.
You made a choice, and neither one was the wrong one. It would have been valid to cancel on your daughter for your stepson’s medical appointment, especially if her biological father were able to substitute. It is also valid to go to dinner and trunk with your daughter, given that your stepson had his father with him at the doctor’s.
I hope you aren’t badmouthing your husband’s ex to the kids.
I also think that your kids are getting close to the age where you and your husband can explain to them that the two of you love both of them, but that each of you has obligations.
Sometimes one of you will be with one of the kids, sometimes the other, but that even when you aren’t physically there you are always thinking of both of them.
I know that sounds sappy, but I think there is truth to it.” VerySurlyPerson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The mother changed the time without informing his father (or even you). It’s a wonder whether either of you made the appointment. Sit your stepson down and tell him about manipulative tactics. Be honest. Kids can appreciate and understand honesty a lot better than people give them credit for, and they’re a lot more empathetic when they are explained different behaviors.
Then ask him how it would feel to experience life from your daughter’s perspective. Switch their roles and see if he’d be happy with something like that. It sounds like you guys have a pretty good blended family dynamic with the occasional bump here and there, so he might surprise you.” TrelanaSakuyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The mom set you up.
Honestly, you should not beat yourself up over this, or debate what you should have done in order to be there. That’s the point of a setup – to leave you screwed. This won’t be the last time she does something like this to you.
You are better served by spending your time deciding how you will deal with these situations going forward. It sounds like the mom is trash-talking you and your husband and trying to drive a wedge in your relationship with your stepson.
That is sad and cruel to use a child as a pawn like that. You can’t control her behavior, though, outside of what the courts allow. All you can do is consult with a child psychologist on how best to handle these discussions with your stepson as they pop up over time.” ImaginaryAnts
12. AITJ For Wanting To Use My Life Insurance Funds?
“I have a terminal medical condition (M28) which I won’t go into too much detail about.
I didn’t have the best health insurance/doctors, so I found out I had a big problem pretty much when it was too late. About the only thing I had of value other than some meager savings, an even smaller 401 and my car was a life insurance policy I got years ago when I was 18 – it was a relatively small amount yearly and awesome terms so why not?
I always thought I could swap it over to a future wife/kids, but not happening now. So I haven’t been able to work now for about 2 months, but I won’t be eligible for hospice care until probably a few weeks before the end.
The actual policy itself was for an eye-watering amount if I died before a certain age which unfortunately is what is going to happen.
I have been living at home with my parents rent-free since I stopped working which is good of them.
We haven’t had the best relationship growing up, and they pretty much only did the minimum required by law in terms of how they raised me. No complaints, but not ‘Parents of the Year’ material. A lot of this was due to finances.
I have been putting funds towards food and utilities but not the rent they are paying, as that was a cost they were covering by themselves and my being here hasn’t increased it. Anyway, I have been investigating taking my funds out, both through the company and investor groups that will give you a bit more in exchange for being named as beneficiary.
I will probably stick with the company’s offer to get things moving faster. There are going to be some taxation issues, but the end result will be that my parents will essentially get an amount that will cover my funeral and possibly a really good second-hand car.
I estimate that the amount I will get will be enough for me to rent a nice condo near the beach, with nice meals, maid service, some great experiences while I am well enough and some in-home care nursing towards the end.
My parents have basically said that the life insurance policy named to them will ‘set them up for life’ and allow them to buy a house and invest etc and probably even retire early (they are in their 50s and were probably going to have to work until they dropped).
They are telling me that they have made a lot of sacrifices to have me move into their house until I go to hospice, but I really don’t see what that is other than the inconvenience of three adults in a two-bedroom house.
One of them was going to give up work towards the end to provide some home care until I qualified for hospice, but taking the funds will mean they can keep working. I get that it would be a noble thing to help my parents out, but I don’t want to.
Final Edit. When I said I won’t be eligible for hospice for a few weeks before the end I worded it badly. As much as is in my power the only time I will go into hospice proper is my last few weeks.
I am young and strong and I plan to spend as much time by the sea until I can’t. Let’s see if life screws that up for me too. LOL. I will be meeting up with the social worker soon and making sure I claim everything I can.
I love my parents despite the past and my family and I know this is putting a terrible strain on all of us, and I hope they will forgive me and keep the best memories on top.”
Another User Comments:
“Hospice being for the final couple weeks of life is a big misconception. Hospice is when passing is expected within the next 6 months. If one doesn’t pass in 6 months, it doesn’t mean they are just kicked off and lose their benefits either.
They get reevaluated to see if they still fit the criteria. If they’ve had improvement and don’t fit the hospice criteria, they can come off of hospice, but then if say 3 months later, they have a significant decline, they can go back on hospice.
Receiving services doesn’t hurt your future eligibility if they are needed at that time. Hospice isn’t just to ease the passage at the very end of life, it is to help give you a better quality of life.
It is a change in your health focus from where you’re no longer trying to extend your life but trying to get the most quality from your life. I strongly encourage you to have a hospice consult. You may not qualify at this point but you’d have a better understanding of the services offered and what they can really do for you.
And by the way, NTJ.” PuzzleheadedRelief95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You know, the main intent of beneficiaries is to help the people who were already depending on your financial contribution to their lives.
This is why spouses are the default beneficiary – because spouses share living expenses, and if one suddenly dies the chances are high that the other one can’t continue paying rent/mortgage/bills by themselves.
Your parents are thinking of this as some warped prize. It’s disgusting.
Take out the money. Give your parents some right away as back pay for rent for living with them (whatever you think is fair for a room).
Pay in advance for your funeral expenses. This way it is exactly what you want, and you will have budgeted for it appropriately because You paid for it first.
Put aside the amount you will need for hospice care – budget more than you expect because you may live longer or need more care than you anticipate.
Maybe double what you estimate or something.
Then take what’s left and divide it by how much time you’ve been given. Then divide it in half – that’s your budget. You now have a budget for double the time you’ve been given, which is a good buffer to work with.
Then do whatever you want within that budget. It’s your life and your funds.
Just please don’t blow it all right away. Pay ahead for the things you need. Life expectancies aren’t guaranteed, and I don’t think much worse can happen to you than for you to outlive the doctor’s prediction by lots but having absolutely no more funds left to cover the care you might need.
If there happens to be any left over when you did? Well, your funeral is already paid for if you arrange that in advance. Your parents can have whatever is left.” Ohcrumbcakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, focus on you and not them.
I understand that you don’t want to cut ties with your family, but seeing how they treat you… Shouldn’t you focus on your own happiness for the first and final time of your life? This is your life insurance policy, not theirs, you could leave whatever amount you don’t spend on yourself to a charity and it still would not be their call to make.
I can’t even find the words to describe how awful it is of them and your family members to talk about bettering your parents at the expense of… you… you as a human being who deserves better. We are all rooting for you, even tho we are all strangers, focus on you and not them.
Please. Also, wishing you the best of luck and lots of strength in this difficult time. Hugs.” CeleryStick5689
11. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad After Finding Out The Truth About Their Divorce?
“My (16F) parents are divorced. They got together in 2004, married in 2006 a couple of months before I was born, and split up in late 2012, the divorce was finalized in early 2013.
My parents’ split really affected me. I got homesick, upset, and anxious when I was away from one parent, and it was the same when I was with the other.
I cried all the time, was very withdrawn and sensitive and thought I was the reason they split. It got tense for a while when my parents got new partners, but I eventually got used to it.
(If it’s relevant: My dad married my step-mom in 2016 & has 2 kids with her.
My mom has been with my step-dad since 2016)
I never knew why they divorced. I was around 6 when everything happened and they could only explain it to me in a child-friendly way (Sometimes mommies and daddies grow apart, they still love each other, and everything happens for a reason) and I did question them as to why it was happening but never got the ‘truth’ until a week ago.
It came out that my dad had been unfaithful to my mom. He and this girl (who apparently was around 18/19) were together for 10 months before my mom found out via photos that the girl’s mom posted on social media of them together.
Expected drama ensued and during the divorce process, my dad got engaged to the girl. He tried to introduce her to me, he told me that ‘she was my new mommy’, but I was cold towards her. I had to see her more after that and just never warmed up to her.
They broke it off in 2014 for some reason and that was that.
I couldn’t help but snap at him after finding out.
I blew up at him. I yelled and told him that he had broken up our family for a girl he barely knew, he completely destroyed my mom and her trust, and he had the audacity to introduce us and tell me that she was my new mom.
That he saw how much it affected me, that his six-year-old wouldn’t eat or talk because it had given me crippling anxiety and I blamed myself, that he was too much of a coward to ever tell me about it.
He argued back that it was none of my business and my uncle (who let this whole thing slip) defended me and said he thought I knew which is why he said it, and I had every right to be upset.
I ended up storming out and staying the night at a friend’s. I gave him the story and he said that he understood I was upset, but it wasn’t my place to yell at him.
I am confused with everything I feel too.
I was young when they split, I wouldn’t have expected them to tell me at that age, but when I was older. Part of me doesn’t feel like it’s my place to be upset, another part of me thinks I have every right to be upset at both him AND my mom since she never told me anything either.
All in all, AITJ for yelling at my dad after finding out why my parents divorced?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His decision affected you all. You’ve been blaming yourself for the past ten years, internalizing things, developing anxiety, along with a host of other things that come with divorced parents, bouncing between households, holidays are stressful because the family is divided so you have to spend it half with this one and half with that one, and new partners coming in or out of their life.
The truth was bound to come out eventually – and I am sure he imagined one day you might find out and how to address it with you… he just wasn’t prepared. Hopefully, you can both discuss this when things calm down and move forward when you’re ready.” Saraqael_Rising
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to be upset with your father. His infidelity had a large impact on your life. He betrayed your mother, who you love deeply, then tried to replace her with the woman who helped destroy the marriage.
When it comes to your mother, I would recommend keeping in mind that she was a victim of betrayal from the man she believed she would spend her life with and that it can be difficult to explain infidelity to a small child.
She made what she believed was the best decision in regards to how much you were told at the time, and may not have wanted to drag up old wounds when you grew old enough to understand just how terrible what happened was.” DreamingofRlyeh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad should have been honest with you. At least to the point where he said that he was to blame and not you or your mom. Also, you’re 16, and in about 8 years, I expect you to behave in a better way than you did now.
However, since you are 16, sometimes emotions get the better of you. And you may not have handled it with perfect grace, but that is something you can learn for the future.
I get why your mother never said anything. She didn’t want to ruin the relationship you had with your father.
Don’t blame her, she did the only thing she could do. How hard it is, sometimes it is not our place to tell other people’s secrets. Your mom understood that. Your father should have been honest with you. And your uncle, being an outsider in this situation and this secret, was therefore the perfect person to tell you the truth.
Thank him for that.” Majestic-Moon-1986
10. AITJ For Ignoring My Aunt's Phone Call After She Outed Me During My Birthday?
“I (18M) had my 18th birthday a couple of days ago. We planned a small gathering at our house (just the immediate family up to 1st cousins, so maybe 25 total?), and a barbecue.
As part of my celebration, I planned to formally come out as gay to the rest of my family. I already had told my parents, grandparents, and my uncle (who also happens to be gay). I have no problems with the people in my family.
They are all super supportive, I just never had the courage or the time to ‘officiate’ it.
When it came to the cake-cutting, I decided that it was the time, but, with perfect timing, my aunt rushed into the room and congratulated me on coming out even though I hadn’t yet.
I was very annoyed by this. Stuff has happened when I was outed in high school. I was beaten up and bullied (but things are a lot better now since I met my significant other, which my aunt does not know about at all).
I quickly left the room and asked my dad if I could borrow the car, and he said yes. I drove over to my friend’s house and asked if I could chill for the afternoon. Cue the phone calls.
My mum and dad called and asked how I was feeling, they completely understood.
My aunt also started texting and calling me. She didn’t apologize, didn’t ask me how I felt, and simply lectured me on ‘manners’ and ‘discipline’, calling me rude and immature. I silenced my phone and ignored her for the next few hours.
I even went so far as to put it in another room to not be tempted to use it.
I chilled with my mate for the rest of the day playing strategy board games, it was better than any barbecue.
Now my aunt has been pestering me over the past few days, with no remorse or apologies, just ramblings about how she found it rude that I ignored her. She never apologized in the first few hours anyway (from her aggressive voicemails).
I realize that she made a mistake, but I am just so conflicted. My mate says that I should be given space while I cool off, but my parents say that I should apologize as soon as possible and try to reconcile.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
All day long.
You acknowledge she made a mistake. People do and yeah if this was me with my niece… I’d have been so mortified and so so apologetic to you. I’d have been so upset.
want to make it up to you… although nothing can y’know? Even though it was an honest mistake (which I think you are saying here? Did she arrive late so didn’t know you had not done it yet and had presumed?).
She’s not apologetic. She is not acknowledging the hurt she’s caused. She should not be having a go at you about anything here. She is the one who messed up, mistake or not. Don’t give in to the gaslighting from anyone about this.
She’s turning this around to a you-issue. She’s the jerk here. You were the victim/the one who had negative consequences for their actions.
You’re young too, learning, growing… and your response albeit not what some may say is mature.
By leaving. I disagree as I can understand the wanting to just get away… And also how this can be the coping mechanism of people – space. You didn’t do wrong in leaving, in my opinion.” TazzMoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While your Aunt was trying to be supportive, she messed up and talked too soon. I am sorry you were outed a few minutes early and while I don’t think you are a jerk, I don’t think you handled it as well as you could.
A little forgiveness goes a long way.
Your Aunt isn’t handling this well at all. Once she was told that she outed you, she should have been nothing but apologies all the way (This is why you are NTJ). At this point, I don’t blame you for not wanting to speak with her.
This could have been so much worse. Imagine if your Aunt was a bigot and was putting you down and being completely out of hand. Just remember, she had good intentions – just delivered on them poorly.
All that said, you absolutely do not owe anyone an apology.” TechnologyLivid9247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your aunt is a jerk. Do NOT apologize to her. Doing so will be validating her behavior. It doesn’t matter that you had intended to tell everyone yourself at that event, she crossed a line, and a big one at that.
Your parents are telling you to apologize, did they same the same thing to her? Did they chew her out for taking such an important moment away from you? Did they ask her to leave the BBQ? Because I would have (and have actually done so) when boundaries are not respected.
NEVER let another person set the parameters of your boundaries. If you apologize, you’re telling her that her behavior is okay and effectively giving her permission to do it again. Maybe next time she’ll out an engagement instead. Your aunt is an entitled jerk.
You are most definitely not.” Sad_Cook1233
9. AITJ For Saying My Wife Is Traumatizing Our Son?
“Our son is four years old, and still isn’t potty trained. We’ve been trying it for a while, but he keeps having accidents (only number one) and if we go out he has to wear pull-ups or it’ll become a mess.
Aside from this issue, his development is normal, in all aspects.
My wife gets really frustrated with him. To an extent, I can understand her frustration, but it feels very counterproductive to get mad and punish him for something he may not be able to control.
I tried suggesting a different approach which would be to give him more reminders, and not make too big of a deal if it goes wrong. She just thinks he isn’t trying at all and I shouldn’t coddle him too much.
I might have a different perspective because I was the same way growing up. It took me longer to be potty trained than most kids. I really was trying, but still, I’ve had accidents far past the age where that was acceptable.
At some point, you’re just forced to accept that’s the way it is, and I turned out fine eventually. They never found a medical issue causing it for me and the same goes for our son. I guess he simply got my pee-your-pants genes.
My wife also knows this about me. When I brought it up again she argued that my parents weren’t strict at all and that their approach clearly hadn’t helped me. This felt a little hurtful for obvious reasons.
I said that the way she was trying to discipline our son wasn’t working either and he was only going to end up traumatized if she keeps getting so angry with him over something he can’t control.
She didn’t like that I implied she was causing him trauma, and I am wondering if that was too harsh of a comment.
AITJ?
EDIT: By punishing I meant stuff like taking toys away, no watching TV… that kind of stuff.
My wife just either gets hostile towards him or gives him the silent treatment and it always ends up with him crying. He also has seen a doctor and they weren’t able to find a cause, physically everything is normal and since he’s developing normally they didn’t feel the need to get a whole psychological evaluation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your instincts are right on. Parents who punish, discipline, or put way too much focus on weight may open the door to future body dysmorphia or eating disorders. They don’t mean to, but they’re effectively disconnecting a child from their body and listening to their own mind and body.
I would imagine something similar happens when a parent does the same on potty training. When your son’s ready, it’ll happen.
Obviously, there are limits-talk to his pediatrician just in case, if you’re worried. But I don’t think four is that late on the potty training spectrum, honestly.
If you’re trying to develop a resilient kid, they have gotta go at their own timeline sometimes, and we have to respect that-allow them time and space to make mistakes. Obviously, depends on the issue and so many other variables (culture, physical/mental health, etc).
I have a teen and constantly learning how to be a better parent. But I wish someone had told me something I have to remind myself often, having an only child: chill and take a breath-if you don’t make it an issue, it’s not an issue!” eeny_meeny_miney
Another User Comments:
“Your wife is causing him trauma. That could be making him scared or anxious or both.
Potty training can be rough. We went for it and put her in undergarments, no more diapers. She had accidents all day the first couple of days.
But we did NOT get mad at her. Yes, it’s frustrating constantly changing her and changing the sheets, but we never showed her. All positive reinforcement for getting even a little drop in the toilet. By the end of the week, there were no more accidents.
There was still the overnight accident here and there, but she just turned 4 and has been accident-free.
One method we would have tried had this not worked is no diapers/undergarments for the first day. There are lots of resources and books for potty training, then finding what works best for your child.
When you see the doctor, do you tell them that your wife punishes your child for his accidents? See what he recommends because I guarantee it’s not punishment when this poor child is trying to learn.
Your wife needs to knock it off.
He is four. How does she expect him to want to learn if he is afraid? For him, it’s better in diapers because at least mommy won’t be mad at him that way. Your poor son, protect him.
NTJ” CinderDroplet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all
How your wife thinks taking away tv and toys is going to help your son properly potty train is completely beyond me. It seems like you guys have different styles of parenting which are causing you to clash.
I understand why she’s getting frustrated but she doesn’t understand that treating her son harshly is going to accomplish absolutely nothing.
The thing that really irks me is that she’s been hostile towards your son and blamed you for everything but only decides to become sensitive when you call her out for traumatizing your kid.
Seems like a bit of a red flag. Your comment was not out of line.” B**********3
OP is NTJ and his wife is just giving her child a complex over his natural bodily functions, and he's gonna associate "peeing means punishment" and so he'll hold it, avoid going, end ups ith UTIs and having accidents. 4 is on the older end of potty training, but not severely enough to warrant extreme reactions, especially if medical professionals have found nothing underlying to cause it.
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Drive?
“My partner (28F) and I (30M) have been together for about 2 years. We don’t live together, but we’ve talked about it. We both live in a fairly large city and the cost of living is only going up, so we could both save money if we got a place together.
The city we live in has pretty good public transportation, so my partner doesn’t drive. This means that when we want to go somewhere out of town, I am the one driving.
Now, this doesn’t bother me too much, except my partner always seems to get motion sick when I am driving.
Because of her motion sickness, she almost always rides her bike to get around town. She pretty much refuses to use the train or a bus, and she will only use taxis or an Uber if she really needs to.
This also means that if we want to hang out together, I pretty much always need to go to her place.
The last handful of times we drove out of town to go hiking or for whatever reason, I’ve gotten more frustrated with her getting motion sick.
I don’t think I am a bad driver and I don’t drive recklessly or overly aggressively. If we are in traffic and there are a lot of starts and stops, she’s complaining. She can’t look at her phone to help with directions because it makes her motion sickness worse.
She pretty much just curls up and closes her eyes because she says it makes her feel better. But it makes me feel like more of a chauffeur because I can’t even talk to her while we are driving.
I’ve asked her to take Dramamine or something similar to help ease her symptoms, but she says she’s tried it many times and it doesn’t help and sometimes even makes her feel worse.
But she’s constantly criticizing my driving and telling me that I need to drive differently to not make her motion sick, but without offering any actual helpful advice on how to drive differently. And considering she doesn’t drive, I don’t think she fully grasps that I can’t just change the way I drive and expect every other car on the road to cooperate.
This past weekend she wanted to go visit some of her friends out of town. It’s a little over an hour’s drive. I told her I really didn’t want to go because I know she will get motion sick and blame my driving and I don’t want to deal with that.
She got mad at me because she felt like I wasn’t being considerate of her illness and that I am being selfish by not wanting to do something that she wants to do.
I just feel like she’s not offering me any real solutions other than ‘You just need to change the way you drive.’ I told her it’s not enjoyable for me to drive her places because she’s not very fun to be around in the car.
I told her she was either criticizing my driving, complaining about being motion sick, or closing her eyes and not talking to me. All of which makes me feel like I am just a driver and not a partner.
We didn’t go to see her friends and now she’s mad at me and thinks I am being unfair to her because she can’t control her motion sickness and that I should be more accommodating to her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s gotten quite comfortable blaming you for her motion sickness, hasn’t she? It’s become a habit and it’s hard to break, but it CAN be done. She needs to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor (ENT) to rule out anything serious.
After that, there are other ways to combat her sickness, scopolamine patches behind her ear and other medications, such as Antivert, so please tell her to go get checked out. In the meantime, be firm, that she needs to take responsibility and ownership of her motion sickness, go get checked out, and stop blaming you for exacerbating it when she’s refusing to do anything to help it, besides curling up in a ball and complaining.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s not a jerk for getting motion sick, obviously, but she is for blaming your driving (so the bus and train drivers don’t know how to drive either?).
Most people don’t get carsick when they’re driving, so if you’re determined to keep this snowflake as your partner, teach her to drive and let her chauffeur you around.
(Also, she’s doing it wrong; curling up with your eyes closed makes carsickness worse. She’s better off sitting up straight, looking out the front of the windshield, and staring at a steady point (a building, mountain, point on the horizon, etc.) in the distance.)” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“I am caught between ‘no jerks here’ and ‘everyone sucks here’.
I experience frequent motion sickness, particularly with cars. It’s odd but I don’t have any issues being on boats even in choppy water but a small or low enough car where every other little bump in the road can be felt through the floor of the car will have me reeling with nausea.
Some practical suggestions first: Dramamine often doesn’t cut it. What I had prescribed to me by a medical doctor is called Zofran, and it works wonders when I am in the car for longer than 10-15 minutes. Her motion sickness is causing her a legitimate deterioration in her quality of life, to the point, it’s starting to strongly impact your relationship.
That calls for medical intervention, and if she hasn’t gotten it already then she needs to make it a priority to speak to a doctor for her sake, your sake, and the sake of your relationship. She needs to sit down with a doctor and clearly explain her living situation in regard to her motion sickness and express the earnest need for any reasonable medication that may help her combat her symptoms. She needs to be upfront that over-the-counter medication has not worked for her.
But something you need to keep remembering, as annoying as this has all gotten, is that she is in legitimate pain when she’s in the car. Enduring extended periods of nausea is rough and painful, and then it sucks, even more, when you realize that you’re supposed to be in a happy and good state by the time you reach your destination so that you can actually have the good time you set out to have.
I am not sure what your expectations have been around her improving on her motion sickness, but they seem a tad unrealistic as well. This will likely never cease being an issue completely, and that’s something you should give some serious consideration to.
Y’all are considering living together, which would only triple the amount of reliance she has on you being able to drive.
The reason I am so stuck between ‘no jerks here’ and ‘everyone sucks here’ is that I can’t seem to figure out why y’all can’t pick locations that she is within biking distance from so that y’all aren’t reserved to either hang out at her place or endure trouble on the road to reach an intended destination.
If her sickness is so impactful on her quality of life, shouldn’t her/your mutual friends be aware of this and seek to meet her at a location easier for her to reach rather than expecting her to undergo a truly painful experience just to see them?
That feels like such a reasonable compromise to me in consideration of where she’s currently at, not where y’all want her to be, that I am surprised that there’s no mention of having tried to do a pattern of meetups like that instead of repeatedly attempting these extended drives when the results are always the same.
Her behavior towards you in regard to your driving is inappropriate and immature. Yes, she is in legitimate pain and may not have all of her vocabulary at her immediate disposal then, but in the aftermath, if she can’t find the right words to explain to you what needs to change about your driving – then she cannot reasonably expect you to change your driving in a manner that eases her symptoms.
If I were in your shoes, I’d honestly draw the line at ‘see a doctor about this or I am not driving you around anymore.’ It’s not your fault she struggles with motion sickness. It’s also not more your responsibility than hers to manage her symptoms on the road simply because you’re in the driver’s seat.
However, at the risk of being really repetitive, she isn’t faking her symptoms or exaggerating her responses to those symptoms. It is painful for her and it’s easy to feel like people view you as a liar, hypochondriac, faking for attention, etc. with something like motion sickness.
If she can’t make some reasonable efforts to manage her own symptoms, that responsibility doesn’t just magically fall to you.
If she doesn’t back down a bit, by elaborating on her issues properly and maturely as well as taking active steps to address her own health, then I would seriously reconsider moving in with her.
Think about what it spells for your future with her if you’re with somebody who’s too stubborn to take responsibility for their own health.” vvhorf
7. AITJ For "Ruining" My Half-Sibling's Childhood?
“My parents had me at a young age, I am now almost 29 and my parents are both in their mid-late 40s, growing up I saw my Granddad (my dad’s dad) a lot but now I and my siblings don’t exist to him and he hasn’t spoken to my dad in years, he doesn’t even know he is a great granddad.
My Granddad remarried and pay’s more attention to the kids from that relationship and their kids.
My parents split when I was 12 it was hard but we got through it and up until recently I had a great relationship with my dad, the last time I saw my dad was 2 days before my daughter’s birthday back in March, he made the surprise trip with my half-siblings and his partner.
Now I don’t expect him to drop everything because I live 2 hours away, but I was visiting my home town for 2 weeks in August, whilst dog sitting for my mum. But he was always too busy with my half siblings to even visit for half an hour, he doesn’t even text or call and he doesn’t reply if I do so I gave up.
I think what pushed me over the edge is that they can travel 4-6 hours to another country for a day out almost every other weekend, but won’t travel 2 to see his Granddaughter. So I snapped and told him this is how it started with his dad he was around for his grandchildren then just stopped and focused on his second family and for someone who said he wouldn’t be like his dad he sure is acting like him.
My dad’s partner piped up and said I got my dad when I was younger and why can’t my half siblings get him now, I told her it was not about me it was about my daughter knowing her granddad as he is the only person she doesn’t know.
At that point, she called me a jerk for trying to ruin my half-sibling’s childhood.
Just to add my dad lives with his partner and half-siblings so it’s not like he only gets to see them every other weekend or every weekend.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like your dad is in a bad relationship though. Is there a way for you to talk to him alone, like on the phone, at lunch, or even an email? Something private.
Maybe if you tell him his behavior and lack of interest is hurtful for you and your daughter, the same way it was with your granddad, and if he can’t compromise by calling sometimes, skype, or meeting then you would prefer no contact.
Then there’s no expectation and no hurt, but he will miss out on a relationship with you.
I totally get him spending most of his time with his younger kids, but not seeing you when you visit is crappy behavior, and not ever calling is too.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Go no contact. It hurts, but don’t try to hold onto your father, who sounds like he would rather that you don’t exist, and don’t bring your daughter to get her hopes up overseeing her grandfather if he has no interest in it.
Sounds like the girl is also going to go out of her way to be sure he’s always busy and make his life difficult if he tries to stay in touch. That comment she made about you having him for your childhood and now it was her kid’s turn.
She’s definitely not wanting anyone to outshine her family.
I am sorry it’s come to this, but you’re going to subject yourself to more let-downs and heartbreaks the more you try to hold on, and you shouldn’t want to pass that on to your daughter.
Think about your daughter right now and whether you want someone in her life who could just easily abandon his b***d.” ferventlotus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The attachment styles and relation styles are predisposed by parents, and I think you left him with something to unpack.
It’s only up to you if he doesn’t come around if you want to have a genuine conversation that omits the girl because that is a matter between you and your own father to make about what relationship he would like to have with your child too.
Wishing you the best, you have your kid to love at home the most, and sometimes more often than not b***d deserves out of sight and out of mind.” TheePentakilllll
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Compromise On Our Plan For Our First Home?
“I (F29) and my husband (M32) are currently saving for our first house. We have 3 kids (F5, M3, M1) and I want at least a 3 bedroom (1 for us, 2 to share amongst the 3 kids) and 2 bathrooms.
My husband recently informed me that my MIL is considering divorcing my FIL. My husband wants to change our house plan to include my MIL moving in with us. We talked about what that would mean and ultimately I decided I really don’t want to do that and it’s caused a problem in our marriage.
The reason why I decided against it is mainly that my MIL would be taking full custody of her 10 yo daughter (husband’s half-sister) and we would also have to take MIL’s mom (husband’s grandmother). MIL is fine but her daughter causes so much trouble and chaos (many of husband’s aunts and cousins never visit anymore and told me it’s because of the problems this girl causes with the other kids in the family her age) and I don’t like her being around my children as well.
GMIL is also elderly and needs full-time care, which I can’t provide since I work and have 3 kids to take care of.
I told my husband if this is what he wants, he can contribute more towards our savings and we can get a property with a backhouse for MIL, her daughter, and GMIL.
Husband doesn’t want to contribute more money and instead suggested we keep our original plan but keep 1 room for us and the kids, 1 room for GMIL, and 1 room for MIL and her daughter. I said absolutely not because the whole purpose of getting our own home was to have our own room and our kids have their own room.
We went back and forth but my suggestions don’t work for him and his suggestions don’t work for me.
In the end, I suggested MIL and GMIL move in with someone else and my husband is upset that I suggested this.
MIL’s sister has a huge 5-bedroom home in a nice area 10 minutes away and only lives with her husband and adult son. My husband also has a younger brother (MIL’s favorite child) who currently has a big 3-bedroom home with 2 living rooms and only lives with his wife and one daughter (F5).
BIL also has more funds saved up than we do and wants to upgrade to an even bigger home. I think these are both better options for MIL and GMIL than my husband and I can possibly provide, but my husband hasn’t been speaking to me lately because of this.
AITJ for not wanting to compromise our plan for our first home in order to accommodate a family?
Side note: MIL has never had a job and doesn’t plan on getting one so we wouldn’t be charging rent for ANYONE and would also have to pay for everyone’s living expenses.
The living situation would also be permanent since MIL doesn’t make money and therefore can’t eventually move out. Husband and I also make the least amount of money in the family at a combined income of $50-60k per year.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell him you will divorce him if they move in.
His mother has a sister to stay with, another son with more room to stay with, and filing for divorce can get alimony from her husband or a split of assets as his wife even if she didn’t work herself and ongoing child support for the child.
The 5-year-old is not responsible – it has a mother and father. Also, big deal that she didn’t work, if she has a young child to support its time she worked.
The grandmother – well it’s down to her child MIL’s sister to take her in, not the grandkid.
And despite it all – she has another son who has space and money.
State it clearly – you will divorce him if he dares brings 3 people to live with you. The needs of the GMIL will be huge, the needs of the child will be huger.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely NTJ. It would be a life-altering decision to live with extended family this way, and if a couple is not in agreement with doing this, it should not happen. I am somehow getting a vibe that your husband’s wanting to do this is based on some cultural custom of having to take care of your parents when they grow old.
You really should have discussed this in detail before getting married and having three children. If my spouse were to insist on living arrangements like these, especially with the included plan of my being a permanent caretaker, this would absolutely be grounds for divorce.
I would not stand for it.” SnooSprouts6712
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband is hung up on playing the big hero for his mom. I suspect it is because he makes far less financially, has fewer of the traditional markers of success than his siblings, and isn’t the favorite, so he wants to make this grand gesture to be the favorite at last.
It is making him pretty delusional.
How exactly does he think fitting five people in one bedroom will work? Even if you can physically fit the necessary number of beds, does he never want to have intimacy or privacy again?
Why on earth would his mom want to share a room with her daughter in a house with two bathrooms for 8 people, when there are other relatives with houses huge enough to give her her own room? She’d move out on her own if she didn’t reject his offer immediately.
Your husband needs to unpack his relationship with his mother to resolve this, so maybe approach it from that angle, while pointing out he is proposing hurting his own kids to earn her favor.
Drag your feet long enough, and MIL will make more suitable arrangements in the meanwhile.” millac7
5. AITJ For Uninviting My Dad From My Wedding For Taking Back The Money He Promised?
“My fiancee and I are currently planning a wedding and my mom got herself uninvited as we found out she had made some jokes behind our back about my fiancee’s appearance/style and saying she was never going to be anything more than a stay-at-home mom.
I was furious and uninvited her. A couple of people told me I was being a jerk as it was a one-time thing she said not thinking it would get back to us. Also, she was tipsy, maybe a bit wasted.
My dad recently found out she wasn’t going to be there (they aren’t married) and confronted me. He said what she said wasn’t nice but realistically people trash talk and gossip, and I should give her the chance to apologize and move on.
I explained that I can’t let someone who feels that way come to our wedding, and he said I was being ridiculous. He said he was no longer going to pay for our wedding if I was going to treat my mom like that.
I decided to uninvite him as I feel he is no longer a supportive person. My fiancee was privy to this conversation and is obviously hurt. She doesn’t want him there either so I feel the need to support her, but now my dad and his wife are telling everyone how we feel entitled to their money and how arrogant we are for uninviting everyone who ‘disagrees’ with us.
I feel slightly weird about it because obviously, he doesn’t have to pay for our wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, sweetheart, YTJ.
They are your parents. Extend an olive branch. Stop treating people like it’s an all-or-nothing situation. Life just isn’t like that.
People make mistakes. It happens. You need to figure out a way to forgive, or at least make peace and go on from here. You keep cutting people out of your life and soon you will look around and there won’t be anyone left on your side.
No one is perfect. No one. We all mess up. You’re messing up right now.
You are not owed money for your wedding. Doesn’t matter what he promised. And if you just uninvited him, what makes you think he’s obligated to pay for an event he’s no longer even shown up to attend?
That’s not quite how life works. As you seem to be finding out.
You need to sit down and have a talk with your mom. Be open to legitimately reconciling and letting her apologize to your fiance and to you.
Then you need to sit down and apologize to your dad. Good luck.” Snow-13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Let’s be real, your dad is upset you are holding your mother accountable and not rug-sweeping her behavior. He thought that if he pulled the funds as a punishment, you would just fold on it.
To be honest, it’s likely that your mother has said much more about your fiance in the past, but this is the first time you were told about it. Her being tipsy isn’t an excuse because the truth tends to flow more.
It also doesn’t sound like your mom took any accountability for this either. Her excuse to your family was that you weren’t supposed to hear it so it’s not like she said it to your fiance’s face or yours.
Keep defending her because this isn’t the last time your mom will pull crap.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for taking such extreme action every time a guest does anything remotely wrong surrounding your wedding.
Yes, it’s your wedding and you can invite and disinvite whoever you want. And yes, standing up for your fianceé is the right thing to do.
However, at least from the way you wrote this, it seems you don’t have any kind of conversations with people before deciding they’re out. And not just any person, but your mother and father.
You’re like the soup n**i from Seinfeld, you just stand there and go ‘no more wedding for you!
Next!’. Heh. It’s quite immature.
Your mother shouldn’t have spoken ill about your fianceé. But is she willing to apologize? Is she remorseful? (EDIT: MIL DID APOLOGIZE). Unless she has a history of being mean to you/your fianceé, I think making her miss her child’s wedding for a one-off comment is extreme.
(EDIT: IT TURNS OUT IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND AND THE FIANCEÉ HAS A HISTORY OF TALKING CRAP ABOUT MIL BEHIND HER BACK. L**O)
Your father shouldn’t have held money over your head. But the funny thing is that he is doing for your mother the same thing you’re doing for your fianceé (even though they aren’t married).
He is reacting extremely to you wronging her and going nuclear with ‘no more wedding money for you!’.
You and your fianceé sound very immature. And while standing up for her is right, you have to be careful to analyze if this isn’t her subtly isolating you from your family.
(EDIT: I AM NOW MORE SURE THAN EVER THAT FIANCEÉ IS USING THIS WEDDING FOR A POWER MOVE AND ISOLATING OP FROM HIS PARENTS).” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mom sucks because she was trash-talking your fiancee.
Your dad sucks because he’s saying crap about you feeling entitled to the money.
You suck because you’re acting like you’re 12 and cutting people off without even giving an opportunity for there to be an apology, discussion, or whatever.
If you’ve had a relatively decent relationship with your mom and dad for most of your life, I can’t wrap my mind around how you wouldn’t entertain having a conversation about what has upset you so much.
People are not robots, people make really bad decisions, and people make mistakes.” nerdydirtyinkycurvy
4. AITJ For Wanting To Invite My Partner To My Sister's Wedding?
“My (22m) and my sister (30f) have a really nice relationship, we talk about most things and we have some friend groups in common. She knows my partner (23m) and they get along pretty normally.
Both she and her fiancé are getting a maid of honor and a best man and I am my sister’s best man,l.
She’s inviting her maid of honor’s partner, which my sister doesn’t know yet, but not my partner (23m).
I understand that it’s kind of a big deal since I haven’t come out to the majority of my family yet, but my sister didn’t even ask me about my opinion.
My and partner have been together for 3 years, I think he should be invited and I know that he is sad because he wasn’t.
Would I be the jerk for asking my sister to invite him to the wedding?
Edit: I forgot to point out something that’s important, it’s the fact that where I live plus ones are not a regular thing. And when my sister made the invitations (I helped her make those) she would write both names on the card if there was a couple invited, and when I say couple I am not only talking about married or engaged.
Also, I really don’t mind being outed, because I don’t really like the whole coming out that requires me to tell people I have a partner, I just want to act normally and take him to places as it would work he if was a girl.
Although I understand that coming out on the wedding would take attention from the bride and the groom and I can see how that’s unwanted.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You do realize that if your partner comes to the wedding, you’ll be coming out to your entire family?
That is not an appropriate thing to do at her wedding – you’ll need to arrange to come out to them well beforehand, to not be a distraction at the wedding.
You need to talk about this with your sister and make it clear that both of you want your significant other invited, and that you will do the work of informing your family at least a month in advance, so the effects of your coming out won’t affect her wedding.
If your sister knows you aren’t out to your family, it is reasonable for her to respect your privacy and not do something, like inviting your partner to her wedding, that would out you.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but sister isn’t either.
You are kidding yourself if you think coming out at her wedding will not turn the focus of the day to you. It will. 15 years from now, you will not be able to mention the wedding without someone else mentioning your coming out there.
Let your sister have her day! Come out after if you are ready to do so. Let that day be about you!
If you really want your guy there, maybe stay closeted until after the event. Then when you do come out, you can tell people they already know your SO.
He was at sister’s wedding.
Normally, I would never suggest people stay in the closet. But even if you came out today, it would still be the talk of the wedding. That is the only reason to stay closeted.
She doesn’t want to say it, but she wants a standard wedding where people will focus on her and her new hubs!” User
Another User Comments:
“I am kinda going with ‘no jerks here’.
I have a feeling your sister didn’t invite him because you haven’t come out to most of your family, and her wedding should not be when most of your family finds out.
But I mean, you won’t be a jerk for wanting and having a conversation with her about inviting your partner.
Just understand that her wedding is about ‘her’. It is not the place for you to come out to the rest of your family.
While you’re perfectly within your rights to ask and have a discussion, you’re a jerk if you demand an invitation from her while refusing to mitigate actual concerns.” Apprehensive_Secret2
It's been almost 10 years, and i'm still mad.
3. WIBTJ If I Confront My Mother-In-Law For Not Paying For Dinner?
“My (26F) and my husband’s (31M) birthdays are a week apart. Last weekend we threw a party for our friends, the party was in a bomb shelter and for other reasons inappropriate for family/parents.
This week MIL contacted my husband and said she would like to celebrate our birthday with us at a restaurant and suggested a super expensive restaurant here at a local castle.
I’ll be honest and admit that I wasn’t keen initially (I had a lot of work to finish this week), but eventually, I let my husband talk me into it.
So last night we picked up MIL by car and drove to the aforementioned restaurant.
The food was delicious, which was to be expected. After finishing my meal, I went to find the restroom and when I returned, I see my husband at the bar paying. I gave him a quizzical look and he just replied with a raised shoulder.
On the way back to the car he just mentioned that his mom wasn’t much for paying (out of earshot of MIL) so he went to pay himself for all three of us.
I’ll be honest and admit that it annoyed me quite a bit.
Every time we go somewhere with MIL we are the ones paying for everything and I was hoping in my heart that this time would be different. Unfortunately, it didn’t.
Yeah, you’re probably thinking, not much happened. I know there are much more serious things going on here.
But because I can’t vent this any further, I’ve decided to vent this way. I am more sorry for my husband who didn’t want to show it much but I could see the hurt in him.
I would also like to point out that if I had known that we would have to pay such a sum for one dinner (such a sum is normally enough for 5 days of food or more), I would never have gone to such an expensive restaurant.
I would rather choose my favorite cozy local restaurant.
Unfortunately, I am a pretty petty person and I am tempted to cancel this year’s Christmas at my mother-in-law’s and take my husband to a spa somewhere instead.
So WIBTJ for wanting to confront MIL even though I suspect my husband wouldn’t want to?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but put the petty down for a bit.
Next time she offers to take you out for a celebration, tell her then. and be very explicit – ‘just between you and me, my husband was so sad last time that you asked to take HIM out for HIS birthday, then made him pick up the tab.
I think this time we better go somewhere less expensive where it won’t hurt as much if he has to pay again.’ Do it with ‘compassion’ and care for THEIR relationship, ignore your own birthday for this. Let that eat her up then for a while, thinking back over any and every interaction to see if he has been distant with her in the interim.
Sow real seeds of doubt.” YeeHawMiMaw
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
If your MIL invites you to a particular restaurant, she really ought to pick up the bill.
BUT. You know she doesn’t. So if the place was out of your price range, you need to actually talk about this with her, before the event, and state that either she pays or you go someplace you can afford, but you can’t be paying a week’s worth of grocery money for one dinner.
Saying nothing and hoping that she’d finally do the right thing and pick up the tab was futile and you shot yourself in the foot by hoping rather than talking.
It is too late now to deal with this last meal, but you need to have a specific plan, agreed to by your husband, in advance, for the next one.
Including a list of restaurants you can afford, so she can have a say in picking one.
I suspect she’s using these occasions to have a way to go to restaurants she likes, but can’t afford, on someone else’s tab.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“If she worded it that way she worded it on purpose. Not let me take you out to celebrate your birthdays but I want to celebrate them with you. Is she hurting financially? Maybe dinners out just need to stop at this point unless you very clearly state the bill will be split or she is covering when she suggests.
NTJ for being upset over that. You or hubby. But it would be petty to cancel Christmas that way. Just don’t go out to eat while there I would say. NTJ for being upset but could head that way if you go full petty.” herdingcats2020
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re in a really hard situation and I feel really bad for you and your husband, but you would be the jerk if you went through with confronting her… specifically because she’s already shown you she’s like this and she’s just being who she is.
She’s proved herself as a moocher. You just didn’t believe it. If you were able to go back in time, I would say to just tell her, ‘No, we can’t afford to eat at a place like that’ and then see if she offers to pay.
She obviously wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be turning her down, it would be putting it off on your budget.” HomeMama_777
2. AITJ For Not Comforting A Crying Coworker?
“I am a first responder and am pretty close with my coworkers. We hang out outside of work and share intimate details about each other’s lives on a weekly basis. But there is one coworker (let’s call her Janet) that seemed much more conservative so I’ve held her at an arms distance worrying that at some point she will say something ignorant about my lifestyle and I’ll have to deal with it (I am p*******l and is with a trans person).
The other day I and Janet were discussing the struggles of relationships, and it was going surprisingly well. I even kept the convo going after realizing I had forgotten to change my tampon, figuring a couple more minutes won’t kill me.
At some point, she said something that made me decide to end the conversation right then and there. What I imagine she MEANT to say was ‘you’re less restricted by people’s gender when it comes to relationships, so you have more options.’ What she ACTUALLY said was ‘well you’re p*******l so you’ll sleep with anyone, right?’ And then she laughed. As soon as she said that, I responded with ‘… excuse me?
Actually, never mind, I need to use the bathroom’ then I got up and went to the bathroom.
When I came back in, Janet was literally sobbing while two of my other coworkers consoled her, and when she tried to apologize to me, I just didn’t have the mental energy to say more than ‘it’s fine, I know you didn’t mean it like that’ and then I went back to my work while she continued to sob behind me.
Some of my coworkers are now saying I was being so heartless and should have consoled her more, but I don’t see how that was my responsibility to make her feel better for saying something offensive to me. One or two coworkers took my side and said that how she feels about how she spoke to me is 100% her problem.
I have no grudges, I just get tired of people always telling me that because I am p*******l I must have no standards and I must be willing to date/sleep with anyone despite how extremely picky I am.
Should I have consoled her anyways?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think your coworker was trying to be hurtful, she’s probably just ignorant. She seemed genuinely sorry, but even in ignorance, we can always end up hurting someone in the process.
Explaining to her how damaging those comments can be to you would surely help her learn and grow as a person. However, the other people who were wanting you to apologize are being ridiculous. Why would you apologize for having a negative reaction (especially when your reaction was not explosive) to someone saying something hurtful?
Definitely NTJ, OP.” Spare_Invite_8191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s externalizing her guilt for saying something so callous and instead of owning it, apologizing, and taking responsibility, she’s manipulating the situation by crying and making it someone else’s fault.
She is not an adult and OP, not only are you not the jerk, you are the adult by not feeding her ammo for her drama fest. Good for you.
People will treat you the way you allow them to.
In my opinion, I am sure her initial statement wasn’t intended the way it came out, but her lack of taking responsibility for it & then escalating the drama is… just…
NO.” PantherSteeler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
To be completely honest, what your coworker said to YOU was completely inappropriate, especially while at work on the job! Your personal activities are none of her business, nor the business of anyone else you work with, regardless of your gender or orientation!
The fact of the matter is, you are being extremely kind. There’s nothing ‘heartless’ about your response! And if your other coworkers want to continue sticking their noses in this, maybe you need to remind them that you could very well report her comments to HR!
But it doesn’t seem that you have decided to go that route. Which is entirely YOUR prerogative! They need to check themselves and back off!” Snow-13
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Put Up Christmas Decorations?
“My significant other ‘Abby’ (25f) and I (27) have been together for several years and have just moved in together. Since the jump, she has known that I have a lot of trauma around Christmas and generally keep away from the holiday as best I can.
There’s never really been a problem with this as I am willing to appease both sets of parents so that they get their Christmas holiday and I deal with the event for a day or so. My parents and hers know very well that I hate Christmas however I’ve refused to go into detail with them as to why, but Abby knows full well why I have a great disdain for the time period.
Abby moved into my house earlier this year and yesterday she brought up wanting to have a Christmas tree in the house. ‘A small 5-foot one! It doesn’t have to be that big but I want to decorate for Christmas’.
My initial response was a bit too stern for the conversation and I just had a deadpan look and a stern ‘No’. This caused a bit of an argument where she was saying how Christmas makes her so happy and decorating would make her happy.
I countered with ‘as happy as it makes you is how traumatized it makes me’. This little back and forth went on for probably 10/15 minutes, and eventually, I proposed the idea of her decorating her office as much as she wants, but the shared spaces would not have decoration.
Abby scoffed at the idea and said we’ll talk about it later.
I think offering the compromise of letting her decorate her office is fair, but she wants the entire vibe of the house to be Christmas-themed.
Am I the jerk for not wanting Christmas decorations?
UPDATE: We talked, lasted a few minutes and we both basically said ‘that was dumb, huh?’. She’s fine with the room, she’s also decorating the guest room for when we host our families.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I don’t think you’re the jerk.
You don’t like Christmas and don’t want Christmas decorations in the house which is reasonable. However, I don’t think your SO is the jerk either. She loves Christmas and decorating, that’s part of her and you’re kinda asking her to shove that part of herself into a room so you don’t have to deal with it.
Long term how is that going to work, is she going to have to hide her decorations from you every year for the rest of her life because that’s a little unfair to her? Like you said, as much trauma as Christmas brings you, is how happy it makes her, and right now she’s having to hide that happiness in her office.
Personally, I think you guys both need to talk more, and maybe come up with a better compromise/maybe start working on the Christmas issue in therapy because this problem won’t go away it’ll come back up every year.” AlexaInspired
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You put up with Christmas for your parents and even her parents. But you won’t allow her to have Christmas in your home.
I am sorry you were traumatized. Really. But you should approach Christmas with your counselor because it is now an issue in your life.
Christmas is not going anywhere. It is not over after 2025, so you might as well address it.
You would have this same issue with any Christian partner. So fix yourself now.
If you had worked on Christmas with your counselor, and could not get over the trauma, I would vote differently.
But you are the one with the issue here. If you can’t even work on it, why should she cater to it.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are completely right to not want Christmas decorations in your house.
Your SO is the jerk because she knew you didn’t like Christmas and she does and she stuck with you anyway. Now that she has moved in, she is trying to get you to warm up to celebrating Christmas…
You and her need to have a serious talk about your relationship and expectations… I am quite sure she thinks she can ‘fix’ you regarding the Christmas decorations. She wants them, you don’t, she knows that but she is hoping she can bit by bit convert you to tolerating them, liking them for her… this is wrong for her to do that.
There is a compromise in every relationship, but on the ‘edges’ not on a core or fundamental thing. You compromise on putting the cap on the toothpaste, or putting your dirty clothes in the hamper… but when one of you has an adamant reason for not doing something, and you do, you don’t try convincing or cajoling about it hoping to change their mind… You accept that this is a requirement for the relationship and you accept that this is part of your partner’s lifestyle.
If you don’t like it or can’t live that way, then you move on and meet someone who does.
You are not wrong, she is very wrong… if decorating her living space for Christmas was so important for her, and a show-stopper for you, she should have accepted your view or moved on to someone else who supports what she desires rather than trying to fix you or guilt you…
Sorry… hope this helps…” Buttercup303
YNTJ, but you will be if you don't get therapy to move past this. Your partner needs to be supportive on your mental health journey as well. Good luck, OP, with all sincerity.
