People Want Us To Assure Them That They're Innocent In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Inviting My Mom's Friend To My Wedding?
“I’m (31m) getting married at the end of the month. It’s a small but expensive wedding with a plated dinner and an open bar.
My mom isn’t paying for much besides the rehearsal dinner because my fiancés (27f) parents are covering the majority.
We invited a little over 100 folks and have had over 80 RSVPs. Now, weeks before the wedding while trying to get the catering sorted out, my mom is requesting her friends be invited.
These people claim to have watched me grow up, but I don’t know them. My fiancé doesn’t know them. They’re basically strangers to us. We caved and invited some of her friends, but now they’re all expecting a plus one. One of her friends even assumed they could bring both her adult daughters, even though she wasn’t allowed a plus one.
Another one of her friends not only wanted to bring her adult daughter but her daughter’s SO too. It’s roughly $100 per plate without cake and booze to feed these complete strangers.
I put my foot down and said no, but now my mom is acting like I’m the jerk for not wanting them at the wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her if she wants everyone and their mother there, she can pay for them. You let her invite some of her friends since she did help you out a bit, but it’s going way too out of control. Not to mention she asked AFTER the invitations were already sent.
She’s being very inconsiderate and adding unnecessary stress just weeks before the wedding. Don’t let her walk all over you OP, keep your foot down.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your wedding. It’s about you, not your mother. The cost is a secondary concern – this is, what, getting into over a thousand dollars at this point, but that’s not even the core of it.
It is your day. You not only shouldn’t have to pay for her friends, but you also shouldn’t even be inviting them unless you want them there.
Don’t do it to keep the peace. This is not ‘keeping the peace’.” tinysydneh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you Should be able to invite who you want.
It’s your wedding! But if you find yourself finding it hard to say no then add up all the plates and give her the grand total of her friend’s cost. Ask her if she wants them there then she will have to pay for them.
Get payment, and make sure the check clears prior to accepting them. If she bulks then explain that’s exactly why you don’t want to invite them because you don’t want to pay for them either.” ksarahsarah27
16. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sister To Keep The Dog If She Wants To Move In?
“I (31M) have a younger sister (27F) whose husband is in a difficult situation when it comes to finances.
They were forced to sell the house 7 months ago and had been living with my amazing mother for the past few months.
My sister adopted a German Shepherd 2 years ago from a shelter, and to say the dog behaves is an overstatement, I know it’s just a dog but it chews on furniture and it barks like no tomorrow.
I hate the dog and that’s why I was less than enthusiastic when I got an email from my sister today. While I was at work, I checked my Gmail after getting a notification and my sister explained that she hates living with our mother because of the rules our mom enforces (tasks such as cleaning and TV times) and she wishes to stay with us.
I was willing to allow her, her husband, and her kids to stay with us, but not exactly the dog. I called her after I finished my shift and told her if she wants to stay with me, she can’t keep the dog in our house.
My sister got annoyed and told me that the dog is the only comfort she has, and the kids love the dog, but I still wasn’t really buying it. I don’t think my wife or son would enjoy having a dog barking at the top of their lungs while they try to fall asleep or watch TV.
My sister started crying and put her husband on the phone who told me I was making a simple situation complicated.
Am I the jerk or not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The reality is beggars can’t be choosers. Your saint of a mother has let her and her brood along with the untrained, barky German Shepard (not a small dog) live with her for half a year.
All she has to do is help clean up around the house and not watch TV all day. Your mother must be 50-60 years old, not a spring chicken, and past the point in her life where she wants to be a maid to two adults plus their children.
Your sister is an entitled jerk for trying to manipulate you with crocodile tears and your BIL is a jerk for minimizing your concerns. They are lucky they aren’t homeless or living in shelters, but it’s not good enough. They are lucky you are willing to take them all in with only one stipulation: no dog.
Stand firm. Your house, your rules.” Bulldog1836
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your house, you can choose who or what can or cannot live there.
That said, I would be careful about having your sister move in… it kind of sounds like she wants to leave your mom’s house because your mom expects her to pull her weight with household chores, while your sister wants to be treated like a short-term houseguest without responsibilities… if she moves in with you, and she or her spouse don’t want to contribute to the upkeep of your home, that could lead to a lot of stress for you and your family.
If your sister does move in with you, I would lay out some boundaries/ expectations before she moves in, and set an end date, for example, she can stay with you for 4 months, or 12 months… whatever you and your wife agree you would be comfortable with, having indefinite houseguests is never a good idea, even if you love them more than anything.
Also, will they be expected to contribute to grocery/ maintenance costs? Or pay rent/utilities? Will you be combining groceries with your sister’s family, or keeping them separate? How will chores be split… will you/your wife be doing all the meal planning and cooking, or would you want to split the cooking, etc?” stillnotablueberry
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to assume you didn’t just make a unilateral decision to allow your sister, her husband, and kids (however many she has) to move into your home without discussing it with your wife first.
So, assuming you discussed this with your wife, and she’s okay with it, NTJ.
(And if you didn’t discuss this with your wife first, YTJ on steroids.)
You don’t owe your sister and her family a place to stay, and if you don’t like the dog, then you don’t have to have one. Your sister is not homeless and living on the street with her husband and kids, so it’s not like you’re the only port in a storm.
Also, I’m getting rather entitled vibes from your sister. She’s living with your mother, with a husband and kids, and she’s complaining about chores and TV times? What’s her plan when she moves in with you? Does she think she’ll just be able to sit around on her butt all day, doing nothing to contribute to the upkeep of the house, and blast the TV at all hours of the night?
In her place, I’d be willing to do chores, above and beyond, to express my appreciation.
If I were you, I’d just tell her no. She can******* up and she and her husband can start saving money to get their own place.” RighteousVengeance
Your sister is complaining about having to clean the house and not being able to watch TV as much as they want.
Sounds like they are mooching off your mother.
You take them in and they will do the same to you.
They sound ungrateful and entitled. For your mom to impose a TV restriction I wonder if they even work to get themselves out of their financial problems.
15. AITJ For Telling My Brother's Partner That He Outed Me?
“This happened when I (29m) was 17 and my brother (30m) was 18. I always knew I was gay. But growing up in a small religious Southern town meant being gay did not feel like a viable option. The only person who knew about me was my best friend Eliza (29f).
She and I grew up together and when we were 16 she suggested we pretend to date. She came from a very conservative family, very religious, and very deeply misogynistic (told her that they knew I wouldn’t let her be a flirt with me which meant having pre-marital intercourse).
They trusted me more than her and she knew it. She wanted to date and meet boys but could not do it openly. So we helped each other out and presented as a couple publicly.
What I did not know was my brother had a crush on her and the more time she spent with me, and by extension, him, the more those feelings grew.
At some point, he found out what we were up to. I still don’t know how other than he might have followed up and heard us talking because we were never ‘open’ in either home in case we got heard.
Then during my brother’s high school graduation, he decided to tell both mine and Eliza’s family that I was gay, and not just that but a lot of people from school were present.
He said it out loud. He brought up that Eliza was helping me cover. He then told her she didn’t need to do it anymore and they could be together.
I was furious and that was the last time my brother and I could be in the same room without a fight, it was the last time I was willingly in the same room with him.
Our parents and sister could not believe he would do it. They supported me but they could have turned me away, they could have rejected me. Eliza’s family was disgusted. I got bullied in my senior year. People did not look at me the same way.
I was told I could not go to prom… all because of him.
I essentially cut him out of my life forever. I saw him a few times but that was when he would show up unannounced and I never invited him. He ended up settling down with this girl Grace and she had never met me, so she kept trying to invite my husband and me to dinner with them, and I always said no. She was annoyed and confronted me while I was at my parents’ house.
She said my brother misses me and she has no idea why I won’t give him a chance. I told her what he did. She was angry at me at first, saying that was a silly reason to keep him out of my life this long, but then she must have turned on him at home because he DMed me on social media and accused me of trying to ruin him, which wasn’t true, but I wanted her to stop.
I wanted her to not try and force a reconciliation and I wanted her out of my face.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And from your post, I don’t even think your brother wanted to date your ‘ex’.
‘He then told her she didn’t need to do it anymore and they could be together.’
If he had more than four brain cells, he could have talked to her before bringing it up to everyone at his graduation. He had a crush on her and knew he could never get her because she was your ‘significant other’ so he had to ruin it for both of you.
That’s it. He knew what her parents were like, how close to were, and how bad it could get for you if he outed you.
And he still did.
‘my brother misses me and she has no idea why I won’t give him a chance.
I told her what he did.’
He doesn’t miss you. He probably told her that you squabbled over some girl in high school. Not that he’s feeling he tried to ruin your life because he wanted to sleep with your friend. When she learned the truth, I’m sure she was annoyed about being lied to.
And if he even tried to justify it, then of course they’d get in a fight.
OP, you’ve had no interaction with your brother after he tried to sabotage your life. Good for you. He is still actively trying to use you as an excuse for his problems and that’s on him.” PeanutsLament
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! What he did is unforgivable. He not only put your life in danger, which of course is the worst part, but he stole your opportunity to come out on your own terms. He robbed you of a big life moment. He made what should have been a happy story, being brave and ready to come out to your family and being accepted, into a really painful one.
And all for a girl he didn’t even know liked him back or not. He didn’t even bother asking her what her feelings were, just assumed they’d be together if he outed you. Even though you two were together so she could date boys, which she wouldn’t be able to do if her parents knew you were gay.
So your brother is not only a selfish jerk, but he’s stupid too. Keep him out of your life. And you did his fiancée a favor by letting her know what kind of man she’s signing up to marry.” NerdyGirlChicago
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother’s SO deserved to know. Teenage trauma ain’t irrelevant. Your brother was supposed to be supportive, and he outed you because he had a crush on Eliza and he wanted to be with her. Good for your family to be supportive. I do hope Eliza is doing well, is on good terms with her family, and that she didn’t at any point go out with your brother.
Also hope your parents are not forcing your reconciliation.
Be happy my man, screw your brother.” Adventurous-Sea7261
14. AITJ For Not Inviting My Sister To A Family Vacation?
“We are all over the age of 23. Our family consists of me, our parents, 1 brother, and another sister. My brother (Mike) brought up the fact that we should start going out on family/friend vacations since we were both relatively financially stable and those who couldn’t afford costs could be covered by either me or him.
I thought it was a great idea, and immediately start consulting everyone about ideas for the vacation.
My brother has twin boys that are 5 years old. Neither I nor my sister has kids. Although I and my partner plan to have kids, my sister (Ashley) and her partner have been very open about their childfree status.
No one has a problem with this, but she is not very fond of my brother’s kids and has said that they give her headaches when she’s over at his house.
In previous conversations, she has said that she can’t handle small kids and feels as though they ruin certain events.
This was brought up mostly at a barbecue we had to celebrate our mother getting through her leg surgery safely and making a good recovery. My brother’s kids had been crying a lot and kinda running around but hadn’t destroyed anything.
My sister had been very stressed about this and told my brother to take his kids home to his wife, or she and her partner would leave, which he did to avoid further conflicts with her.
There have been a few other incidents like this as well.
I thought about this and other things she had said and made the decision not to invite her. I brought this up with Mike, and we both agreed that our sister probably wouldn’t have a good time on the vacation with kids that are still so young.
Our mother said that since we are paying for most of the vacation, it’s our decision, and she has no thoughts on it besides that we should tell her and her partner.
So I did and she absolutely was not happy. She said why couldn’t Mike’s kids stay with his wife or if he get a babysitter.
I said that his wife really wants to go and get the kids out of the house. She responded by saying that she is our sister, and those kids were way too young to travel anyways. I said she doesn’t even like kids so the vacation wouldn’t be enjoyable for her, and that was the reasoning.
Her response was that although that was true we should’ve invited her first anyways before making the decision. I asked her why we would invite her just for her to turn down the invite. I also pointed out that Mike has removed his kids for her many other times so I think this would only be fair.
She hung up and later sent texts saying I was being unreasonable and she didn’t want to go on the trashy vacation anyways.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister wants to exclude your brother’s wife along with the kids from anything where she is at.
That isn’t right to your brother. Your sister can go on a vacation of her own with her husband. It will be kids free and they will get to do exactly what they want to do.
There’s nothing wrong with your sister not wanting kids.
She is making her choice an issue for those around her that have kids. She can exclude kids/limit time with children all she wants. She can’t expect that others with kids to never be present when she is around though. She can be the bigger person and leave and not make ‘her’ issue into ‘everybody else’s’ issue.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister has proven in the past that she doesn’t just accept the kids’ presence—she demands their removal or complains about them the entire time. This would make a vacation miserable and people like your sister don’t just choose to not go on the vacation, they go and then hope they make the party they want to leave so miserably that they leave like they want.
Your sister’s behavior is why she wasn’t invited and her entitled suggestion that Mike’s kids stay home with his wife when he’s helping to pay for the vacation is absurd. You and Mike, and your plus ones, are the only people entitled to be on this vacation.
Everyone else is going as a favor on the waves of your financial stability, and their presence is a gift—not a right.
She’d make Mike, his wife, and his kids miserable on this trip, and they don’t deserve that.” RepulsiveThing3618
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your brother are the initiators and organizers of the vacation and ate paying the lion’s share of the cost. ‘Family’ vacation or not, that gives you a good basis for deciding who goes on your vacation with you.
Plus, your sister crossed a line in trying to dictate who goes on the vacation by saying your brother should leave his kids home and maybe your SiL too.
That would be bad enough normally. But to do suggest that one of the organizers and funders of the vacation leave his family home? Yeah, that majorly crosses the line. And demonstrates that you were right not to invite her on your vacation.
Her saying your brother’s family should stay home also nullifies any ‘but family’ arguments.
At worst, that part goes both directions here.
She’s also a bit of a jerk for her whole ‘the kids are too young to go on vacation’ line. There is no age that is too young to go on vacations. If anything, the issues that arise from going on vacation with children arises from making plans that don’t match with kids or parents that don’t manage their kids appropriately.
Generally speaking, that is. Not saying those are issues in your situation. Just the fallacy of your sister’s line of reasoning.
On the most general level, I will also point out that nobody is obligated to invite all of their extended family on vacation, even if they are going with other parts of the family.
It is perfectly ok to decide that you want a vacation with Carl and Harriette and kids & Al and Peggy, but not Mike and Carol.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
13. AITJ For Cooking Soup For My Niece's Dinner?
“I (29F) have a niece (6F) we will call L.
She’s normally a pretty good kid, but she’s spoiled. And she HATES brushing her teeth. I’ve seen her have full screaming fits and physically fight my sister at bedtime to avoid brushing her teeth.
Last week, I was babysitting L. Until dinner, the babysitting went great.
We watched Encanto, and then L did homework. My mistake was that at dinner, I warned L she was going to have to brush her teeth after. I don’t know why I brought it up because I knew what would happen. She started screaming ‘I don’t want to’ and crying and stomping around.
I don’t have the same patience that my sister does, so I shrugged her off instead of fighting with her. I said something like, ‘That’s fine. You only need to brush the teeth you want to keep.’ My dad said that to me as a kid about flossing, and I thought it might be effective.
It did make her quiet down.
Here’s the part where I may have crossed a line. I tossed the chicken nuggets I had made her for dinner and gave her tomato soup instead, ‘so she could practice eating with no teeth’.
She cried through dinner.
But she also brushed her teeth without fighting me after. I considered it a win.
The next day my sister called me furious yelling at me for traumatizing her child. She’s apparently now terrified of having no teeth at the exact age that her baby teeth are falling out.
(I forgot about the baby teeth falling out, to be honest). I tried to joke that she could use the shedding baby teeth as proof L should have brushed, but she called me ‘heartless’, ‘a bully’, ‘a hateful jerk’ and some other things.
She hung up and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I’m realizing now that the baby teeth thing might be a problem for my sister but I don’t think I traumatized my niece. AITJ?
Edit: To clear something up, I didn’t take the nuggets away from her or anything like that. L never knew that she was supposed to get nuggets in the first place.
I had some half cooked in the oven when she started to scream so I decided to give her soup instead. As far as L knows, chicken nuggets were never an option.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Brushing teeth really is very important.
Kids that age get temporarily traumatized by weird and very random stuff (we watched a special on cosmology with our then 6yo ages ago and it took us about 2 weeks to convince her it was safe to go outside at night because she latched onto the black hole part and thought she’d get sucked in.
Soooo many conversations about gravity and interstellar distances with a 6-year-old…).
She’ll recover and appreciate keeping her adult teeth.
Her mom needs to explain that these are her practice teeth, to get good at brushing, but when the new ones come in they’re permanent and she’d better do a good job.” k1p1coder
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Y’all like drama too much. 6 is a wonderful age, and a recurring screaming fit over tooth brushing is not normal. But a 6-year-old is able to reason if you explain why people do tooth brushing, and also old enough to know if you’re not gonna play along with her game.
But the soup thing was probably too far, and the joke was way too far. Your sister is the jerk for a different reason, a nightly screaming standoff with a 6-year-old takes two to tango, so something’s wrong there.” Cjack66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sis needs to lighten up.
Most people would use it to their advantage. Here’s your sister’s rating about her being traumatized. She’s been traumatized if she’s fighting a grown woman, stomping and screaming about not brushing her teeth.” Trice316
12. AITJ For Not Getting My Stepsister A Matching Necklace?
“I (17) F have 6 biological siblings, 5 half siblings one full, on my mom’s side and I’m the youngest. While my dad has 5 biological daughters and 1 stepchild.
I’m not really in communication with his other biological children so they don’t have anything to do with this story. The one I’m referring to is his stepchild who I’ll call O. So my mom’s birthday was 3 days ago and for her birthday I went a little overboard.
I’ve been saving up for a while and used that money to buy 7 gold necklaces. The necklaces were customarily engraved with our names (my mom’s said mom) and a number 1-6 for my mom’s six kids because we have a running joke where we call each other by the number we were born.
Example ‘Hey four have you seen my brush?’ Or something like that.
Two days ago me and my sister, K, went to our dad’s house since I was out of school that day, and he wanted to see us. When we arrived we just chilled normally and did the stuff we usually do.
The problem began when O got home from school. She had noticed my sister and I had matching necklaces and asked what they were for and if she could see them. I told her that I had gotten them for my siblings and my mother as a gift and she asked what the number was for and I explained that as well.
O looked excited and then asked where hers was.
Now, this is where I might be the jerk. I told her that I didn’t get her one since this was something related to my mom and that it would be weird if she had one because she wasn’t my mother’s kid.
O had gotten upset at that and walked away. I shrugged, thinking that she was just upset and would get over it cause it wasn’t a big deal, so we just continued what we were doing. I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal since O eventually came out of her room to chill with us and didn’t say anything else about it.
That was until her mother came home. I don’t know when she told her mom (probably when she was in her room) but she did and her mom was upset. She thought I was purposely excluding my step-sister and wanted to know why.
I tried to explain that I wasn’t and that the necklaces were a thoughtful gift. She wasn’t hearing it and asked that we, K and I, not wear the necklaces while visiting our father.
I said no too. Because these necklaces were something I put a lot of time and thought into. We ended up arguing for a while until she relented because my dad told her to stop being childish. I guess she was tired from work or something because she told my dad to talk to me and walked off.
My dad told me I could wear my necklace if I wanted to while visiting him and that he’d deal with her and my step-sister if they tried to make a fuss about it again. On the way home my older sister told me I shouldn’t have said it that way but that I was right.
So that had me thinking that I could’ve been the jerk.
Edit: O is 12 years old. We weren’t raised together. She doesn’t even really live with my dad and her mom. I don’t know the reason why but she lives with her grandmother in Queens.
I didn’t get necklaces for my dad’s other children for the same reason I didn’t get one for O. Also because I have literally no contact with them at all.
O might actually be closer to my dad than my sister and I are with how much time they spend together.
My sister and I barely visit my dad due to how far away he lives from us. O is much closer even tho she lives with her grandmother and they have a good relationship. My dad is a huge nerd and O and he has a lot in common.
We actually talked about it today. This was really out of the ordinary for my stepmom like I really like her as a person and she IS a good person. We talked and found out O exaggerated when she talked to her mom making it sound like I really was excluding her bc she was hurt by how I said it.
I had a one-on-one with O and we’re good now. She understands that she won’t be getting a necklace and I won’t be wearing mine less but her mom got her a bracelet-making kit and we made matching bracelets for ourselves, my dad, her mom, and my sister as something we have together.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe you could’ve phrased it better. But either way, she’d likely be disappointed.
With so many siblings of different genetics, it’s probably a minefield. You can’t keep so many people, living in different places, close to you. At least it’s very demanding and dependent on the adults as well as the other children.
Sometimes someone will miss out on stuff.
At the same time, the fact that she’s disappointed shows that she felt like she should be a part of it. That she might want to be close to you and your sibling(s). In that case, I do think it’s meant to not try to reach out to her sometime soon to show her you care about her too.
Doing something together etc. Especially if your dad’s other bio children aren’t close to her either, in which case she probably feels alone and insecure in your family.
Keep in mind that while this isn’t your fault as it’s the adults who create this whole situation, she is as innocent in this as you are.
You don’t need to buy her expensive gifts but you should try to include her if she would appreciate that.” eiroai
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think it’s about feeling left out, not about the necklace itself. Forget blended family dynamics – let’s say everyone in your class at school was all part of a sports team and you couldn’t (for whatever reason).
They are all wearing the same t-shirt and you are the odd one out. Unless you are very self-confident, feeling like you are on the outside of the ingroup can be very painful.
Personally, I think that not wearing the necklaces at your dad’s isn’t unreasonable, but I can understand not wanting to take them off.
Can you come up with another solution? What about something matching your entire sibling group? Not because you have to, but because you want to affirm that she is still part of your group, just a different group.
Unless she actually isn’t part of the in-crowd in your family.
In which case the necklaces are a symptom of a bigger issue and your dad is a jerk for not addressing it.” Ok-Wrangler-8175
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you gave a thoughtful gift to your mom and her children. I believe the stepmom was the jerk.
But I do think you should apologize for how you explained it to your step-sister. As you said in the post she didn’t cause a big fuss and her mom did. If you have a good relationship with her then I think you should ask her if she and your other sister would like to have something matching like a cheaper bracelet for the three of you and if that would make her feel better.
Of course only if you want to and if you have a good relationship. I think she just wanted matching necklaces with you and your sister so she could feel closer to you. Or perhaps because the necklace is gold and she also wanted one.
Also with dad for stepping up for you.” I_don–t_know
11. AITJ For Avoiding A Pregnant Woman?
“I (20F) work at an office job. I was able to land it cause my dad works there. He’s allowing me to work there until I have enough funds to pay for my housing situation until college, he agreed to pay for all of my college bills but said I have to pay for my housing.
At this job there’s a woman who is 6 months pregnant, I don’t really like her for a few reasons. She’s always trying to get people to touch her stomach, she would repeatedly tell me I’ll change my mind when I get pregnant, I don’t want kids.
She’s always eating my lunch and always asking me to buy her food after she eats mine. There’s more but to keep this short, I’ll stop it there. I talked to my dad about this and he told me there’s nothing he can do since she’s pregnant and needs the funds.
I asked if he can move me to another position, and he said no since there were no other open positions. He told me to just avoid her at all costs and start putting my food in his fridge for the time being.
After I started doing this woman wasn’t happy with me, She started suggesting some things that I can’t mention but it made me want to quit.
I asked why she would suggest such things and she would tell me it was nothing more than a light-hearted joke. I asked her to stop more than once, but she didn’t. So I started avoiding her more than I already was. She started showing up at me and my dad’s parking spot, she would show up to my lunch break and pick off my plate, and would overall be where I am.
I changed my schedule and now I’m working new hours, with new co-workers. But the other day she showed up when I was getting off, I saw her when I was coming out and some of my coworkers kept telling me that she’s been here all day waiting for me.
I asked her what she wanted and she told me that I need to stop avoiding her. She explained that I’m the talk of the office with how rude and inconsiderate I am with avoiding a pregnant lady over some food. I explained that I wasn’t avoiding her over food it was because of the way she acts.
She asked what I meant and I explained that she’s snotty and very controlling and that she should get her attitude in check if she doesn’t want to be avoided. She stormed off and was surprised I have a meeting with my father and her next Wednesday.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she should’ve been fired the moment they knew she was stealing food
You need to report her behavior now. Sit down and write out every single incident that you’ve had to deal with because of her. Have the people that saw her waiting all that time just for you to come out and write notes on what they saw.
And bring everything to HR or whatever you have at your company and tell them that her behavior is putting the company at liability risk.” rainbow_mak3r
Another User Comments:
“Your dad needs to shut this down. If he doesn’t have a professional HR manager he needs to call a local employment law firm and get some coaching.
He can’t discriminate AGAINST a pregnant woman (eg fire her BECAUSE she’s pregnant) and he needs to make REASONABLE accommodations (eg have someone else lift the office water jugs.) What he doesn’t have to do is tolerate her:
Taking food from other employees Pestering other employees to buy her food Spending time off her duties waiting to talk to other employees Making inappropriate comments to other employees (if I’m reading your hint correctly.)
All of that needs to stop.
He needs to cancel the meeting between the three of you and hold a meeting with each of you individually. Ask you both to focus on your jobs and steer clear of each other, outside of polite professional conversations about work.
You’ll say yay! She’ll throw a bunch of excuses and drama. He needs to repeat his expectations and ask her to confirm that she can meet them.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she has to mind her business and not put other people responsible.
It’s not because she is pregnant she needs to make you uncomfortable and stalk you everywhere, saying that your attitude is wrong. I suggest that you either complain to your father and report to the police because harassing somebody, making them uncomfortable, telling them that their life decision over a fetus is bad, and stalking everywhere you go is mostly harassment.” First-Increase-3989
10. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Stop Being Offended?
“I (30F) have a Russian father and a Ukrainian mother was born in Russia and lived there for the majority of my life until moving elsewhere in 2014 together with my parents. I still have close family left in both countries. Trust me, this is important.
When the chaos started, my godmother was trying to flee the country and I was helping her to move across, as we are really close. She runs a business where she makes custom gifts based on Slavic culture and mythology. As a thank you for all the help she has gifted me and my partner a custom-made matryoshka doll which is in our living room and some smaller custom-made charms (mine is baba yaga (Slavic witch) and my SO got a knight) that attach to the keys.
Honestly, I love them as they are very well made and look gorgeous.
Now I and my SO have a group of friends, together with us there are about 9 of us and every other weekend we normally chill at each other’s places. In this group, we can discuss anything including such sensitive topics as politics and religion and it has been this way for the last 5 years.
About 2 months ago a girl ‘Nicky’ has joined our group. When I say joined it’s more like started inviting herself to our get-togethers. And oh god she would get offended at anything.
This Monday we had a get-around at my place to cheer me up.
I haven’t invited Nicky but she showed up anyway. I was about to start my rant about the events, but Nicky stopped me saying she is feeling offended over the language I used. Then she got offended at the matryoshka doll in our house and the charms on our keys too due to ‘cultural appropriation’.
I have asked what her problem is and to which she said that her great-grandmother was once married to a Russian soldier so she feels really connected to the country.
Here is where I can be a jerk. I lost my cool and called her out that she can not be offended over something she is not a part of.
She has never visited both countries and has absolutely no ties to them. I have called her selfish as she was making the situation about her when I was stressed as well as calling her heartless. I have also reminded her that I am from those countries and am allowed to have items in my house reminding me of them and that ‘cultural appropriation’ is something completely different.
As the entire group was present she got embarrassed and left, messaging me later about what a jerk I was and that I should apologize. She also posted a rant about it on social media making me the bad guy and people agreed with her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She made the comments in front of the group. She shouldn’t be upset if you respond to her in front of the group. It’s understandable that you would get upset when your grandmother’s creations are precious things to you and she is accusing you of something you are not even doing.
She literally insulted your decor and your intentions.
If she doesn’t like them, she doesn’t have to be in your home. And she doesn’t have to hang out with you if she doesn’t like the way you talk. I’m kind of not sure what type of friendship you could even have with this woman if she is going to be bothered by the way you talk and get insulted by your stuff based on erroneous assumptions.
Sounds like she’s not a right fit for you (and maybe not a right fit for the group, possibly).” Light_Seeker90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is ‘virtue signaling’ to show others what a ‘good’ person she is. Essentially, it’s all ‘look at me’. Obviously, you can’t appropriate your own culture.
She was wrong and you were right to call her out. Maybe your execution was a tad harsh because of your frustration but that doesn’t make you wrong. You don’t need to apologize to her because, again, she is making it all about her. Obviously, it is easy for her to slant a social media post in her favor to get sympathy from her friends.
I don’t feel you did that here because you didn’t make yourself sound perfect; you sounded honest.
I don’t know how you can be wrong in this situation. If you are still concerned, talk to your close friends and ask their opinions. Some may still side with her, probably because they don’t like confrontation.
But ultimately, I don’t know how they can say she was right in this situation when she has a very tangential connection to Russia and you are Russian/Ukrainian and lived in Russia most of your life thus far. I wouldn’t stress about it.” Any_Lead_5506
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like your crew is better off without her. When discussing politics, theology, philosophy, and most topics need to be done with respect. When someone is getting offended then they are making things personal, and that creates unnecessary drama and division.
The reason why you and your friends get along so well when having discussions in regard to these topics is that there is a level of intellectual respect and understanding that being different in regard to life and outlook is a good thing. It allows you to grow, having someone who is only looking to get offended will only stump that potential growth.” V-King3000
9. AITJ For Trying To Convince My Wife To Put Her Inheritance In A Joint Account?
“My wife’s grandfather had passed away and left an inheritance to both my wife and my sister-in-law.
My sister-in-law decided to use her inheritance on a bunch of house upgrades on an already great house… getting ripped off by one contractor for over 250k and is now in the midst of working with another contractor who is requesting a similar amount. Because of this, they lived in our house rent-free for over 10 months and my sister-in-law had to share a bed with my daughter while my mother-in-law slept in a playroom (we have a 3-bedroom house).
I agreed with this because I feel it is important for the family to be there for each other.
While living under our roof, my wife claims my sister-in-law convinced her to combine their inheritance in one account that would be in both their names.
The unnecessary house upgrades that resulted in them staying with us for 10 months notwithstanding – my sister-in-law is terrible with money. My wife only told me she combined inheritance with her sister in a trust account one month after the paperwork had been processed after she had initially told me that she was supportive of the idea of the account being in hers and mine name so we could plan for the future of our children.
Since we have been married I have always put my paycheck into a joint account we both share because we have had the understanding that whatever either of us earned is shared. For context, I am the sole breadwinner of our household and the amount of money I’ve contributed to our marriage exceeds the inheritance that she has received.
When I expressed my dismay to my wife about this move and my concern about the funds being accessed by someone who is irresponsible with finances (my sister-in-law), she indicated that the estate attorney had suggested instead combining inheritance with her sister but that she acknowledged that it was a mistake and that she would be supportive of the inheritance going in a joint account with her and me so we can plan for our kids future (and any inheritance I’d receive would go in that same joint account.
Fast forward 7 months later and nothing has changed and she gets defensive and just asks me to trust her that eventually, the inheritance will be in a joint account we will both have access to make decisions together for our children. Every time I bring it up she indicates that it takes time and requires her sister to go along with it since the fund is in their joint account.
AITJ for insisting that my wife put her inheritance in a joint account in both our names?
Edit: I take public transportation to work for a bit so public transportation friendly place to save funds and don’t have many material possessions of my own.
My wife and kids come first always and I felt our values matched when we met and in the discussions, we’ve had since.
Edit 2: I can confirm the money is still there albeit it’s now combined with her sister’s half. She showed me a few days ago on her Northern Trust app.
With that said I don’t know how long that will be the case as her sister has a large mortgage, will be renting for at least the next couple of months, and doesn’t have a job to continue paying for monthly recurring fees in this high cost of living area.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ here. While the inheritance is your wife’s, you should have encouraged her to put it in a separate account without the sister’s name on it or create a revocable living trust for her and fund that account into the trust. She would be trustee so she can do with it whatever she pleases and she could designate you as successor trustee in the event something happens to her.
Your job is to protect your family and the way you are describing it, the sister needs that bank account to keep siphoning funds out of it for her own purposes. That’s the only reason she would actually want that.
But something did stand out.
You put ALL of your funds in a joint account. STOP THAT! Get your own account without the wife’s name on it. Sure keep that other account to pay household bills and contribute to that account for that purpose but you are thinking your wife is thinking about divorce.
No way you keep all of your funds there as she can literally just drain it and leave and you have no recourse because her name is on the account. Don’t get yourself caught up like that.
If your marriage is in that way, start protecting yourself now.” Long_Squash1762
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can see how it came about, but the bottom line is that her actions right at the very beginning led to this.
You and your wife have an agreement to maintain a joint account. This is a state of affairs that she has been fully comfortable with as long as you were the one putting the money in, and you were both able to take it out.
Now, when she has a sizeable amount of money she put it into a separate account. This completely violates your agreement, and while it may have been innocently done (I would not bet on it) this should not have continued past ‘we are supposed to have joint access to our funds.’
Now, she is resisting. This has nothing to do with your SIL, or your SIL’s ability to manage finances. This is 100% about your wife, and her desire to have an emergency fund/escape route/fill-it-in-but-it-you-are-out-of-the-picture.
You need to have a very frank conversation, and an absolute requirement that either you change how things operate entirely or you both follow through.
If the latter, good for you but it is probably a good idea to be suspicious of how this escalated this far. If the former, that means separate accounts and she also PAYS FOR HER HALF of your lifestyle. In that case, I’d also retain an attorney and make sure you have yourself covered in the (likely) event that you wind up splitting a lot more than your banking accounts.” Origen_Species
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for asking your wife to not give your SIL free access to her inheritance. It is her inheritance so I don’t believe she should have to put it in a joint account with you either. Should she? Probably you have a life and kids together and it only makes sense.
Especially given you paid the bills for almost a year alone while her family lived with you inconveniencing your household. But I wouldn’t push that. I would push her to get the funds out of the joint trust with her sister. I mean forcefully push that!
There is no reason for her to have done that and even less reason for her not to undo it saying her sister won’t go with her to sign the papers. The sister is still living with you right? I would press that hard.
Firm no.” Awkward-Train1584
8. AITJ For Not Turning Off The TV?
“I (35 F) have been living separately from my parents for the last 11 years. Unfortunately, I got into a huge debt last year and after losing a job I couldn’t afford to rent a place and pay off my credit at the same time.
My parents allowed me to live with them while I pay off my debt, get another job (done), and get on my feet again in exchange for me helping around the house and helping them pay the bills.
Back to the story. So I have an older brother (40 M), that visits our parents from time to time along with his wife and 3-year-old daughter (whom all of us love unconditionally).
Those visits are a struggle for everyone in the family because they force their own rules on my parents and me. Like not eating something sweet when we all have dinner in case my niece will see it and want it too (no sugar rule), turning the TV in case my niece will accidentally catch a glimpse of it (no TV rule), washing the floor extra so my niece could run around in her socks and not in her shoes, etc.
While my parents complain A LOT about it TO ME, they never tell them anything because they don’t want to strain the relationship.
Meanwhile, my parents are out of town again and suddenly after 2 months of zero contact, my SIL calls and informs me she is coming for a visit (my brother transferred to another country due to work last month and she is in the process of getting a visa).
So she comes in, and right from the door, she starts again with the rules. She demands I turn off the tv (I was sitting in the kitchen where we usually all gather in the evening), asks me how long am I gonna stay there since I get in the way, etc.
I didn’t want to fight, so I offered her a compromise, I stay in the kitchen watching tv while they play somewhere else, then I’ll turn it off while she will be feeding my niece, then turn it on again when they go to play again.
She said absolutely not, and demanded for me to turn the TV off at all because of the ‘no tv rule’.
I think it’s unfair and she and my brother have the same rights as I do, and if she doesn’t like something then we should find a compromise that will suit us both, not demand me to simply do as she tells me.
She went absolutely ballistic after that (no one ever said no before) and we got into a fight. She even called my parents to complain about my jerk behavior, but what I didn’t expect is for her to outright lie to my parents about what I supposedly said and did and how horribly I treated her.
She said I said she doesn’t have any right in this house, she is a no one, etc.
My parents were livid about what they heard, they didn’t let me say anything or explain, they simply said I’m either shutting my mouth and doing as I was told or packing my stuff and getting out right now.
So, AITJ? I could have just kept my mouth shut,******* up and go hide upstairs like a teen but I’m so sick of how my brother and SIL are acting that I just didn’t want to.
EDIT: She was visiting because she wanted to have some space from her family (they are living with her parents).
My brother and SIL do it every time my parents are out of town.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – clearly she’s heard that accusation before otherwise where would that come from? Kinda funny that she would bring up exactly what you’re thinking. Why exactly did she come over and how long will she stay?
Since your parents aren’t there why is she there at all?
Can you text your parents and inform them of this? Maybe tell them a little white lie about stuff ‘she said about them’. If she’s going to lie to them then you can easily plant those seeds too.
But I’m petty like that. She sounds awful! And I absolutely would not bend to her. This is not her house and I would tell her she does not live there and she has no right to impose rules on everyone in the house just by visiting.
I’d also tell your parents to complain to you all the time about her. If you’re going to get kicked out, you might as well air ALL the laundry. Go big or go home!! Know what I’m saying? She’d hear everything I think about her rules.” ksarahsarah27
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. OP was being a terrible host by watching TV with guests over. I don’t care if they were only there to use the washing machine or/for other banal non-social purposes. It’s rude. OP is 35, not 15. SIL is a jerk for tattling on the parents.
I am not taking OP’s word that OP was reasonable as watching TV in this situation is not reasonable, to begin with. Therefore the assertion that SIL was unhinged falls in the shadow of a doubt. The parents are jerks for not listening to each side and issuing an ultimatum – unless the was a last straw type situation where OP has been standing on everyone’s last nerve since moving in.” DisasterFormal3370
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But your parents believed your crazy SIL, whom they KNOW to be ridiculously prescriptive over her child? Or is it more likely that she uttered the ‘I’m taking my child and you will NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!’ sentence, that she can hold over any and all of you any time she likes?
She’s got it coming if she thinks she can keep her child away from sweet stuff and TV for very much longer, but I guess that’s up to her. I’d get out for now, and talk to your parents when things have calmed down a bit.
I think your parents are just worried about losing access to their grandchild rather than your SIL being right.” Normalityisrestored
7. AITJ For Saying My Son Has To Move Out If He's Getting An Emotional Support Animal?
“My son (21) has had anxiety for a couple of years and has just started seeing a new therapist. Apparently, his therapist suggested getting an ESA (Emotional Support Animal). I said he should obviously explore some other options because my husband and daughter (16) both have allergic asthma and get bad flare-ups whenever in contact with pet hair.
They take medication whenever they have to visit someone with pets but it always makes them feel awful and doesn’t even always work.
My son knows that’s the reason we’ve never had pets, but he still insisted that my husband and daughter can figure out another way to manage it because his therapist really thinks getting an ESA will be good for him.
They told him to consider other treatments first because they don’t want to constantly take meds and hope it works, but he’s insistent. My husband and I talked and told him if that’s really the only way, he’ll have to move out because it’s two illnesses vs one here.
We’ll financially support him, but if it doesn’t cover his rent and utilities, he’ll have to chip in too (he works full-time). He got angry and decided to stay at home without the ESA but is blaming all three of us for not accommodating him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can’t sacrifice the well-being of two people with a known and proven medical issue for someone else to try an unproven experiment.
I would presume when the therapist first broached this to your son, a natural part of this conversation would be that the family has never had pets because dad and sister are pretty highly sensitive and/ or allergic to animals.
The therapist shouldn’t have kept pushing the subject then and suggested home therapy alternatives until your adult son was ready to move out.
Your son is 21 and working full-time, it seems the natural order of things would be him moving out soon anyway, this may help him towards that goal, as well as finding a new therapist.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are stuck in a difficult position, but you made a perfectly reasonable suggestion and your adult son refused so he can play the victim.
The trouble with this situation is he doesn’t know a support animal will help and neither does his therapist. Your son also has no idea what goes into caring for an animal since you never had pets.
You offered to support him financially with him only covering what you can’t so that he could have his own place and have his animal, and he said no.
If this animal was that important to him and he would have jumped at the chance as a 21yr old man to not live with mom and dad and have most of it paid for while getting his therapy dog.
Why did he say no? Because he is having a tantrum over not getting a pet, not because he can’t have a support animal.” ghostofumich2005
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your son has plenty of options, and you were very kind in offering to continue to pay expenses for a 21-year-old who clearly is experiencing some entitlement issues.
And, your son has many options. Sure, he could move out with your financial help, but he could also look into ESA support animals that don’t cause allergies, and/or he can speak to his therapist about a host of other options. He isn’t the first person that would benefit from an ESA that cannot have one.
But, your son did none of those things but is blaming you for not ‘accommodating’ him. It’s good you laid down the rules in this case, but does your son often get what he wants? I wonder how much he rules over your home, and if he going to make everyone miserable now, you may want to double down on that moving-out suggestion.” mfruitfly
6. AITJ For Rehoming My Ex's Dog?
“I (m23) have an ex, Lexi (f23). Lexi and I had known each other since we were 14. We dated for nearly a year before I broke up with Lexi. We lived together in my one-bedroom apartment, so Lexi was going to have to find somewhere else to stay.
She has a little dog that was also staying in the apartment, a Welsh Corgi named Elvis. Lexi already had Elvis before she started seeing other people.
Lexi went to go stay with her parents temporarily whilst she looked for somewhere more permanent to live as she understandably felt uncomfortable staying in the apartment.
She asked if I could look after Elvis until she found somewhere to live and I said I would, this was in June.
The next week I asked Lexi how her search was going but she left me on read. I thought maybe it wasn’t going well and she didn’t want to talk about it.
The week after, I tried to call Lexi but she didn’t pick up, I left a voicemail telling her how her dog is doing.
July rolls around and I’ve still not heard anything. I messaged Lexi’s parents and one of her friends on social media and explained that I still have Lexi’s dog.
No response.
August time, I try to call Lexi again but she blocked my number.
A few times from August to now, I knock on Lexi’s parents’ house door but no one answers. I slide a note under the door but I still don’t hear anything.
At this point, I’m feeling very stuck.
Elvis is a lovely dog but I do not want a dog and never asked for the responsibility of one. Even if I did want a dog, Elvis living in a small apartment when I work full-time isn’t the best condition for a dog.
Of course, I walk him multiple times a day, but I think he’d be better off living with someone else to live his best canine life.
I started looking for a new home for Elvis, and eventually, my aunt offers to have him. She’s a stay-at-home mom with a husband, and they have two kids aged 10 and 13 who love dogs.
She has the time to walk Elvis during the day and they have a large yard in which he can play in. They took Elvis home and got him microchipped. I feel like I’ve done the right thing.
Lexi saw one of my aunt’s social media posts that had a photo of Elvis and she started blowing up my phone, telling me I’m a horrible person.
She said to get her dog back right now. I told Lexi she ignored me for so long she’s basically abandoned, Elvis. Lexi said she was having a depressive episode and couldn’t talk to me. I told her Elvis deserved a better home that I couldn’t provide and she was too late.
Lexi said I’m a heartless jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“What more could you have done? She went no-contact. She only even resumed contact after seeing the post. Without that, there’s no reason to think it wouldn’t have continued indefinitely until eventually, you came to the same conclusion, with the same results – just farther down the line.
Something happened while she was away. She nominally left to find an apartment, and by going no-contact de-facto broke up with you. The fact that her own family likewise went no-contact means she was bad-mouthing you to them. She set you up to be the bad guy.
There was no other outcome possible here. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else.
You’re better off without this kind of crazy in your life. You dodged a bullet.
NTJ” InTheory_
Another User Comments:
“I’d say you’re NTJ, but I’d still maybe try and get a free consult with a lawyer as she could try and make this a legal issue, or at least threaten to.
From what I can find if a dog isn’t picked up from a dog daycare type place within 14 days of its pickup date then it’s considered abandoned, but the law can be pretty rigid in how it applies these sorts of things. Given you guys didn’t make a set date and you aren’t a dog daycare facility it could become messy if she decides to get a court involved and you should really make sure you have your bases covered, no matter how morally wrong she is you could be found legally liable and getting ahead of any threat she tries to make gives you the ability to shut her down at the on set instead of worrying about it.
The fact that you didn’t try and tell her (as far as you told us) you were going to get rid of the dog also could complicate things.” Gabemer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she was at home she could’ve told SOMEONE ‘my dog… Help me’ so they’d reach out to you to try and coordinate alternate care instead of continuing to ignore you.
You did more than enough due diligence to try to get her back to her, and then found a suitable rehome where the dog would be taken care of.
Depressive episodes don’t temporarily suspend your responsibilities as a pet owner. If she had the dog at her place but then had a depressive episode where she stopped taking care of it, you’d call someone to re-home the dog because that’s animal neglect.
Intentional or not, she abandoned the dog and everyone in her life ignored your full faith effort to try to get the dog back to her.
She’s not ready for a dog. Sorry, not sorry. When I was in the hospital for three days, one of my first thoughts on the ambulance ride there was getting into contact with my best friend down the street so he could take care of my cats while I couldn’t.
She moved and couldn’t be bothered.” thebhass
5. AITJ For Not Hiring A Nanny?
“My (27F) husband (28M) told me that ever since we got a child (2M), I don’t take care of him anymore. I don’t cook for him anymore, I don’t flat iron his clothes anymore, etc. You know those basic things. And he also told me that I’ve changed. I told him of course, we have a kid now.
Things would change. Things would be different. He told me he wants to hire a nanny to take care of our child so I can take care of him more. Because he misses those days. I refused. I want to take care of our kid on my own.
I don’t need a nanny. He is still insisting but I refused. He told me that I can’t take care of our child by myself. He said that I can take care of him and our child if I hire a nanny. Refused. He threatened me that he will leave the house.
I said ok. He asked why am I so stubborn. I told him because I’m a Taurus. He told me to stop joking. He left the house and messaged me ‘bye’. I told him that he is so immature.
Later that day, my MIL messaged me and asked me how I could refuse his son’s offer.
That his son is gonna help me so I don’t have to take care of our child 24/7 and spend time alone with his son or I can go out anymore and not be stuck at our house. I still refused I want to be stuck with our baby and our house 24/7.
She told me that I’m stubborn. I didn’t reply. 2 days after my husband came back. He stayed at his mom’s house. He asked me why I didn’t even message him and asked him where was. I told him that I already know where he stayed. He is still kinda mad right now but I really don’t care.
I want to be hands-on with my child. He can take care of his own. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, once you have a child your life changes. No TV during the day or limited use of your phone in front of your kid, preparing meals, cleaning in the evening after your child because then there is time for it… those are examples and it can be more difficult depending on the child’s need…
I find men have more problems accepting those changes. I hope you don’t feel left alone raising your child and doing housework. If you do you should consider help. It sounds like your husband isn’t involved in housework, which sucks. What should be more important besides your child’s well-being is the relationship between you two (cuddling in front of the tv when the kid is asleep, not the household.” birdlover_86
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you’re not a jerk for refusing to hire a nanny, but it sounds like your husband is trying to communicate that he needs more time and attention from you, and you’re blowing him off. He’s being a jerk for having a temper tantrum over the situation.
Find a compromise. Maybe hire a housekeeper to free up your time (and to iron his clothes, cook, whatever), or maybe find a trusted friend/relative/sitter to watch your little one so you and your husband can have more time together. I think this is actually a pretty common problem after having a child.
It changes everything and it can be hard to accept that it’s changed, and it can be hard to break out of the mama role to be the wife/partner.” christina0001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You want to be the primary caretaker of your child, your husband wants you to cater to him.
If there are things that aren’t getting done around the home (as is the case in every home with a kid) then there are lots of options, and the solution is usually a combination of things, like just realizing some stuff won’t get done as quickly, having your partner step up and do some stuff, and looking at how you can hire help/get help from family.
You don’t want a nanny, cool. Your husband can use the money you would spend on one to take his shirts to dry cleaners for ironing, he can hire a weekly housekeeper to do the big cleaning stuff, and he can get a meal service/order more takeout for dinners.
If your husband was just asking for time with you, I could appreciate that, and solutions would be date nights, and asking MIL (since she is so involved) to babysit or to hire a sitter, or hiring someone to help with tasks that take time out of your day when you could be hanging out together.
But pressing his shirts – give me a break. Tell him his mom seems to be free, and he can take his shirts to her house and get a hot meal there too. Yuck.” fruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think you might be missing your husband’s point.
What you really need to hire is a housekeeper/cook. It sounds like there are funds for this and will help take care of the issues with ironing and cooking etc. toward the end of your post you say mention he wants the nanny so you can go out and not be stuck at the house.
After two years of global crisis baby-raising, it sounds like he is concerned about you being isolated. Look into a housekeeper or cook. It’s a compromise so you are still the one raising your son but fulfilling those needs.
Also, try to get out.
Your husband is still your husband if you want and you also need to make an effort to be a wife by spending time with him. Maybe he really wants alone time with you since you’ve made it clear you’re with the baby 24/7 which isn’t totally healthy for a marriage.
That said he’s a jerk for demanding you get a nanny to raise your child so you can iron for him.” poweller65
4. AITJ For Making My Son Do An Extracurricular Activity?
“All of my kids have done extracurricular activities. My oldest did cheerleading. My second did drama. My youngest is in art. My sixteen yo, Seth, doesn’t want to do his current activity anymore. I said, ok, what do you want to do instead?
Seth said he doesn’t want to do any activity anymore. I said that was not fair to everyone else and he needs to pick something. He said he wants to do video games. I said ok, we’ll find a video game club. He said, no, he wants to stay home and play video games.
I nixed that idea.
Seth had an outburst and lost electronic privileges for the weekend. He’s currently not talking to me. He called his mom on his brother’s phone, and she emailed me to say I’m a jerk. His oldest brother thinks I need to communicate better.
His other older brother thinks he’s a spoiled brat and I should punish him more.
I just think he needs to do an enriching activity. Seth needs to develop social skills before he goes to college (or trade school or employment or whatever he wants to do) and activities and clubs are a great way to do that.
On the other hand, he’s sixteen. So if he’s not getting anything from it by now, should I save myself the expense and just let him do whatever he wants?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But not because it ‘isn’t fair’.
Your almost adult needs to be gaining life skills right now.
And those come from extracurriculars or an after-school job. They do not come from going to school and then gaming for 8 hours.
I’m down with the video game club, or esports, or whatever. He can find something that teaches social skills, competition, winning and losing gracefully, etc., that fits with his interests!
That’s how you become a full human.
And he should then, after school work and whatever chores are taken care of and his extracurricular/job is done, be allowed to slack off and game for pure enjoyment because balancing your responsibilities with your free time is a HUGE life skill that a lot of kids I went to college with a few decades ago didn’t master, and THAT is as big of a deal as any of it.
Reframe your argument. And have a loving, two-way conversation about responsibilities and learning and balance and whatever. But don’t use the ‘fairness’ approach.” Jade_Echo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
First, being forced into an extracurricular activity is not going to make him enjoy it or grow from it.
As like as not, it will just make him more resentful of you.
Second, your logic of ‘my dad made me do it, and I’ve made all my other kids do it, and we’ve all benefited from it and enjoyed it’ is lousy logic. Stop treating your kid as something that can be raised with a cookie-cutter stamp.
Just because it worked for you and your other kids, does not mean it is working for him.
Try this on for size: ‘Some vices miss what is right because they are deficient, others because they are excessive, in feelings or actions, while virtue finds and chooses the mean.
— Aristotle, ‘Nichomachean Ethics’.’
Your insistence on ‘all my kids must have extracurriculars’ is leaning towards the excessive. Find the mean. Find the middle ground. Treat your kid as an individual. One with his own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
(Oh, by the way, I picked up that quote from a video game.)
Third, the idea is that being in extracurriculars will teach social skills. Uhmmm, yeah, maybe, maybe not. It may provide an environment for socialization. But that is not the same as teaching social skills. And while you might find some leaders who are great at helping kids learn that stuff, you’ll find just as many who are indifferent, and some that are garbage at it.
Some of those latter might even be bullies who’ll do no more than teach some of the other kids how to be better bullies using the kid with poor social skills as an example.
Fourth, stop with the idea that social skills equal success. That is an idea that is very rooted in a ‘socially adept’ extrovert mindset.
Often one that has a very narrow scope of what success looks like.
I work in the tech world. I work with, and have worked with, a good number of people who are knowledgable, skilled, great at their jobs… and are introverts without the greatest social skills or an interest in acquiring them.
But, in the jobs they do, they don’t need to be very social. It has little relation to their work. There are others around that can be the buffer they need for them. And it works out just fine.
Fifth, your son sounds to be an introvert.
About always needing to be in control, and his friends needing to do what he wants, he’s not just an introvert. He may be ASD, ADHD, OCD, or some other type of neurodivergence. But when asked if he’s been tested, you got all annoyed in response, saying:
‘That’s very rude. Neurodivergent people never volunteered to be the scapegoat for everyone’s perceived flaws.’
Which doesn’t answer that question. And where did the whole scapegoat thing come from? This is just noting some resemblance to some types of neurodivergence and asking if you’d looked into them.
A very reasonable question.
If your son is neurodivergent, getting him tested, diagnosed, and connected to appropriate therapies to help provide him with coping skills and mechanisms will be 1000x better than shoving him into an extracurricular he doesn’t want to do.
Oh, and no, neurodivergents didn’t volunteer to be dumped on for being different.
But it’s what happens. And you know why?
Here’s a dirty little secret of modern western society that rarely gets brought into the light… The Game Is Rigged. It’s rigged by the extroverts. And not because they’re actually all that much more socially aware than introverts.
Nope. Because they tend to be better at being pushy, obnoxious people and getting people to do things their way. Often making everyone think it was their idea, to begin with. And it’s rigged in favor of the extroverts.
There was a study that came out a while back that investigated correlation between extroversion/introversion and emotional intelligence (EIQ).
The main finding? Introverts scored noticeably higher on EIQ. Yes, there is more to social skills than EIQ, but it’s a big component.
The funny thing being that some extroverts, who are better at getting noticed, tend to put down introverts of all stripes. And oftentimes, just for not liking/doing the same things as the extroverts.
No, not all extroverts, and, no, not all the time. (there is a further layer that might help explain that part, but its a little too in-depth) But enough that we get comments like the one about neurodivergents being scapegoats.
And why? Simply because they are different enough to be easy targets for those who target.
And mainly because society is still stuck on the idea ‘different = bad’.
Summary of my message to you OP: Stop worrying about your son being in extracurriculars. Stop trying to force him into the same mold of parenting methods you’re using with your other kids.
Start learning who your son is now, and where he is now. Get him evaluated to understand why he is the way he is and go from there.
If you spend some time meeting him where he’s at, you might have better luck getting him moving in a positive direction than just blindly shoving him in a way that seems to have worked for your other kids so far.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he can have like an hour for video games per day but I wouldn’t want my kid on the computer that many hours gaming. It can easily turn into an addiction and a way of avoiding other people. I don’t think it’s good for him.
Kids are already bombarded with so many electronic distractions like their phones, social media, TV, and video games. I think it’s good for him to get out of the house and do something enriching like you said. I wouldn’t word it as it’s not fair to your other siblings.
Leave them out of it. Just say you don’t want him staring at the computer for hours playing video games. It’s a shame that your ex is not on the same page with you.” Oceanclose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your son is expressing his needs.
He’s saying he is burnt out and needs to decompress. You’re saying tough stuff, I do not care about YOUR needs, you will fit this mold and perform to my expectation no matter what. Put on the act to appease me!
Listen, puberty is HARD.
Being a teenager is HARD. SO much is expected of high schoolers. He has a full-time job AND a major hormonal imbalance (thus is true of ALL teenagers, just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it isn’t brutal). Try praising your son for his self-advocacy skills and encourage him to take care of himself so he engages in a healthy way when he’s ready.
You don’t ‘learn social skills’ by being forced into groups you don’t want to be in when you’re not in a space to handle it.
It is NORMAL and HEALTHY to need time off from constant social demands, to want to spend some time alone and decompress.” AriGryphon
Yes, he probably shouldn't just go to school and play video games all day, but forcing a child to participate isn't going to do anything but make him miserable. Let him have a break, maybe he's stressed by school, he's at the perfect age for depression to really start hitting, have a CONVERSATION instead of making demands.
3. AITJ For Not Taking A Shower?
“I’ve never been good with taking showers.
It’s always been something I struggled with. It’s gotten to the point where I won’t take showers for months. Obviously, my mom is upset at this and always tries to get me to take one but there’s only so much she can do and she doesn’t wanna fight with me and drag me in like she used to do when I was a kid.
For the past week, she’s been getting on me about taking a shower. I keep telling her that I’ll do it tomorrow but then it gets to the day and I just can’t. Today I thought it was finally the day and I didn’t wanna get into a big argument with my mom and grandma, who also tries to get me to take one whenever she’s over.
So I get in the bathroom, look at the shower… and I just can’t. My body just won’t let me. My mom comes in and asks why I can’t just take one so I respond by saying I think I might have depression. She says she thinks I have it too and tries to explain why it’s important to take a shower and whatever but it really doesn’t help me.
I end up going into my room. My mom comes in and tells me I have to take one. I think maybe if I had something to get out of taking a shower, I’d take one so I asked my mom if she can give me something to take one.
She goes on a whole rant about her not punishing me as a reward and that in life, we don’t get rewards for stuff we don’t wanna do and how she doesn’t get any rewards for what she does. She then goes on to say how pathetic it is that I can’t do something as simple as taking a shower (even though we just had a talk about how I might be depressed and she had depression at one point.
I don’t get it but that’s just how she is). She said I was selfish and I don’t do anything for anybody.
For me, I don’t understand how I’m in the wrong here. I tried to explain to her that I don’t see how it was selfish because what she was asking me to do it for me and not for her because well it’s my body but she thought it was stupid and didn’t understand.
I feel like it’s better to try to get me therapy instead. I don’t really understand her logic but at the same time, I’m a minor and she’s an adult so she probably knows better. I’m unsure though if I’m the one in the wrong here or not so I want an unbiased view.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but only because I think you are sick.
You need to take a shower. Unfortunately, it does affect other people for a couple of reasons – you probably smell terrible and look uncared for. People who do not take care of themselves will have trouble finding jobs.
This means you will be unable to take care of yourself financially. I know your mom wants you to learn to be a self-sufficient adult. Being able to have basic hygiene is a critical part of that. Plus, I think you increase your risk of some health (skin) issues.
You need to take a shower. If you need to bribe YOURSELF to do it, go for it. You don’t need your mom for that.
Maybe a good first step is to stop saying ‘I can’t’ and start saying ‘it is hard but important’.
And please.
Therapy. This really is a health issue and you need help.” NebuLiar
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You definitely need and deserve help with your depression! On that, you are completely right.
However, you are being selfish. You live with other people who have to deal with your bad hygiene.
Beyond the smell, when your physical health seriously suffers (be it an infection or something else), your mom will have to pay to treat it. So it’s not just ‘my body, my choice.’ There are consequences for anyone and everyone you live with or are charged with the responsibility of taking care of you should you refuse to do this.
Soon, your school may get involved. Their involvement may eventually involve CPS despite your mom’s efforts to get you to shower. Those are consequences that drag on others.
If you cannot stand in the shower, it may be worth asking your mom to buy a plastic stool.
Practice walking into the shower when it’s not on. And yes, you are in need of therapy.
I hope you get better. I know you will!” einsteinGO
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Your mom was probably just reacting out of frustration because when you asked for a reward for showering she might have felt like it was both a bit juvenile, like giving you a gold star, but also a bit like blackmail, like you, won’t shower unless she gives you a gift.
Let’s be honest, if you aren’t showering or really bathing for those lengths of time, and if you have hit puberty, you must smell really bad most of the time. That’s not going to be pleasant for the people around you.
I’ve been where you are when I have been in periods of deep depression and I couldn’t really explain why the shower felt like some kind of torture chamber.
My tips are to, if possible, switch to having a bath instead and play music. I found it easier when I could sit in the bathtub and just focus on first washing my hair, and then would sit for a minute or two, then scrub my top half, then sit for a few minutes, then scrub my bottom half, then sit for a few minutes, then quickly rinse all over.
Break it down into smaller chunks that require less motivation.
Ask your mum if she can help you make sure you have clean clothes and clean bed linen to get into after you’ve had a wash, because if you manage to get yourself clean sometimes it can be a backward step if you are then faced with having to change your bed or put on smelly clothes because you lose the sense of achievement.
It’s not about a reward, it’s about easing the pressure a bit whilst you reintegrate yourself back into a normal healthy routine.” Fernoohlalaa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Depression (real depression) sucks. I’ve never had it, but I know people who have. It can essentially cripple you.
But, despite that, you’re still a jerk for your outlook on how you ‘deal’ with this.
You’re a jerk because while it is your body, literally ‘everyone’ around you can smell you. And you smell ‘REALLY REALLY BAD’, especially if it’s been months since your last shower.
Want to live like a hermit and take no showers? Go move out into the wilderness and live by yourself.
You’re a jerk because you essentially tried to get your mom to bribe you into taking a shower. That’s a massive jerk move, depression or not.
Because, either A) it wouldn’t work, or B) it would work, and therefore depression is an excuse.
You’re a jerk to yourself because you don’t seem to be trying to deal with your mental health. Call the doctor, right now, and set up an appointment for a mental health examination.
Do yourself a favor, and get help.
I feel sorry for everyone who lives with you or goes near you.” Expensive_Plant_9530
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hear About My Neighbor's Dog?
“My neighbor never shuts up. She never does. Nobody does anything about it and she just goes knocking on our door at 1 in the morning and she says some random thing like ‘wanna hang out tomorrow’ or ‘what day is it’ It’s starting to get on my last nerve because a couple of days ago she came to the restaurant I work in part-time as a waitress, instead of ordering like the normal person anyone would do, she was saying the weirdest things nobody wants to hear while working part-time at a busy restaurant.
I won’t get into detail, but it was about her dying dog, I think, I was kind of ignoring her, I whispered in her ear ‘shut up and talk to me after work’ since some people were waiting for me to actually do my job.
She told everyone in our neighborhood about it by knocking on the doorbell 10 times, so once I got home about 5 people were waiting for me and calling me a jerk for not hearing her out on her sick dog. To be honest, I had no clue what she was even saying but now I feel kind of bad for telling her to shut up about her dog when I could do it at another time, but I also think she needed someone to tell her that, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your neighbor may have some sort of mental illness. That being said, you were busy at work and that wasn’t the time or place to tell you that her dog was dying. Telling her, though, to ‘shut up’ is kind of rough, but I’m not going to count that against you because I can see where you’re coming from.
You’re busy, you have customers to wait on, and this person has a tendency to annoy others in the neighborhood during periods of sleep. So, yeah. Sucks that her dog is dying, but your work during a busy time isn’t the place to dump that on you.” JupiterSWarrior
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She needs to learn to respect boundaries, but you couldn’t have picked a worse time to tell her to shut up. There are also much nicer ways to politely tell someone you can’t talk right now. Then later on you could’ve had a conversation about boundaries, her constantly knocking on your door, and what you’re comfortable with.
If I were you, I’d apologize, explain you were overwhelmed with work and couldn’t process what she was saying, but that you should’ve been nicer regardless. Then follow up by saying while it’s not necessarily that you don’t enjoy her presence, her knocking is interrupting your work environment.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for handling it the way you did. She is clearly mentally ill and there is nothing wrong with telling her that you can’t talk because you’re busy, but it shouldn’t be a surprise she acted the way she did after you said that.
You can establish clear boundaries without being rude. It’s on you for not establishing those boundaries earlier and expecting her to act like a well-adjusted person. I understand you may not have experience with these things but it’s just something you learn over time like anything else in life.
I’m assuming you’re pretty young so It’s totally understandable to not know what to do in situations like these so I don’t really blame you for reacting the way that you did, but there are definitely better ways to handle it in the future.” Both-Adagio1318
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – She shouldn’t be bugging y’all with dumb stuff at 1 am and it sounds like she may have some boundary issues. And I wouldn’t want to be bugged at work either. HOWEVER ‘I have a lot to do today, can we please talk about this after I get off?’ Would have been the polite thing to do.
Have you ever say down with her before this and explained how this frustrates you? Because if you haven’t then you have no reason to be upset she’s crossing boundaries she doesn’t even know exist. If this is how she treats everyone then it’s up to you to say that it isn’t how you specifically want to be treated.” iAmThem123
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Stay With My Mom While She's Pregnant?
“My (17m) parents have been divorced since I was 9. I now basically have two separate families. I have my dad, my stepdad, and my little brother.
Then I have my mom and her partner. I’m a little jealous of people who don’t have to move to a different house every week, but other than that, things are pretty okay.
My mom and her partner told me they’re having a baby together about three months ago.
I was excited at first since I already have a younger sibling and I love him, but things haven’t been how I expected. The person who was pregnant with my little brother didn’t live with my dad, obviously, but I did get to meet her and she seemed to really enjoy the whole process.
My mom really does NOT like being pregnant. I get it. I wouldn’t want to carry around extra weight and feel nauseous all the time either. But it makes it really hard to spend time with her or just be in her house at all when she’s always either complaining, vomiting or sleeping.
I usually just shut myself in my room (and then usually get told off for doing so, so I really can’t win.)
This weekend, I was venting to my friend about this over facetime when my mom overheard. I didn’t realize it until later when her partner came and talked to me and said I had made her cry.
I feel awful about it but I was being honest.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Pregnancy sucks, your mom is definitely feeling a lot worse than you right now
But, you’re allowed to feel your feelings, you confided in a friend and didn’t intend for her to hear your comment.
It’s not wrong to dislike the situation and if venting helps you get through it then fair enough.
You should apologize to your mom though, she’s not being annoying on purpose. Explain you’re having a tough time adjusting because it’s so different to your experience with your first sibling and you’ll try to be more sensitive in the future.” agentrossi176
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ because you can’t yet fathom just how incredibly difficult it is to be pregnant. It’s ok to feel how you’re feeling, but you should be having an open and honest conversation with your mom in a compassionate way, not venting to your equally young friend in direct earshot of your mom.
Her hormones are currently raging (like your period, but on steroids a million times stronger). She needs your support right now, and you need to keep in mind that this is temporary and will pass once the baby is born.” chefboyardeejr
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’ officially, but it is more nuanced.
You’re not the jerk for not enjoying being around someone, as you can’t control that.
You’re also not the jerk for venting to a friend.
You are the jerk for audibly telling your friend all the things you don’t like currently about your mother, while in your mother’s house, while your mother was home… and even more the jerk for doing so when you know she has crazy pregnancy hormones currently.
You would not normally be the jerk just for making a pregnant woman cry though. Making a pregnant woman cry is incredibly easy. Pregnancy hormones are wild. I once cried for 2 hours when I was pregnant with my oldest kid just because my husband bought ham lunch meat and not turkey.
Pregnant people can’t even eat lunch meat, so it wasn’t even for me. It was absurd… I was even laughing at myself while crying, but I couldn’t stop.
Also, antepartum depression is not as common as postpartum depression, but it’s definitely a real thing lots of women suffer from, if you think you can do it without ruffling more feathers, you may urge your mom to talk to her ob/gyn about how much she is hating being pregnant.
They’d be able to evaluate if it’s just the fact that pregnancy sucks, or if it’s something more.” cinderparty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s not a walk in the park when carrying a baby. I get that you’re not fond of being around her when she isn’t feeling good, but I bet both of your parents aren’t entirely thrilled to be around you when you aren’t feeling well either.
Rarely is anybody fun to be around when they aren’t feeling great. It’s a part of life. Instead of complaining about your mom, have you asked her if there’s anything you could do to help out? Maybe make her a bowl of soup or help her with a chore.
Those little things will go appreciated.
As for you being honest or venting with your friend – you’re 17. Everything feels more intense than it actually is. The little things seem so big at that age. While you vented how you felt – your mom’s partner told you how she felt after hearing what you had to say.
Neither of you is wrong in how you feel. I bet she feels awful that you prefer to lock yourself in your room and avoid her like a plague. I’m just pointing out that you both feel trashy in your own ways. Cut her some slack.
It sounds like you have a pretty good life, to be honest. You actually have many people who care about you. That’s not how things were for me or many others out there. Count your blessings.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
