People Beg For Us To Take A Side On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Arguing With My Mom About A Tattoo?
“I (22F) have a phenomenal relationship with my mother (59F)… like 90% of the time.
For context, I’ve had body image issues my entire life, something I inherited from my mom. We’re both healthy & exercise regularly only difference is I’m a size 16 & she’s a size 4. I grew up constantly hearing how she hated her body & I ALWAYS reassured her how beautiful she is & how great she looks!
It was hard to hear my mom talk like that both because I love her & want her to feel confident, but also because every way she was describing these insecurities is exactly how my body looked (‘look at how my arm fat just hangs’, ‘my thighs are huge’, ‘I hate how my stomach bulges out’, etc).
When I’d say similar things about myself, she’d NEVER disagree & often go as far as to validate my feelings (‘Well, I have noticed you gained a bit of weight’, ‘You did have extra at dinner’, ‘Why complain about something you can change?’).
With that in mind when I was 18 I got my first tattoo, which I adored!
It gave me the realization that having art on my body, especially places that I’ve struggled with, made me like & appreciate said places a lot more. So here I am 4 years later with over 15+ tattoos! My mom was fine with the first few but as I got more she has been voicing her opinions more as well.
A real switch for me happened last year. I got tattoos above my knees with the lyrics of a song that means a lot to both of us (she showed me the song) & her response to me explaining all this was ‘Well here’s hoping you still like that song in 30 years’ as she rolled her eyes.
This really hurt. I got this tattoo done as a homage to our relationship & she couldn’t have cared less about what it represented. My brother could tell how upset I was & changed the topic while I went & cried in the bathroom. After that, I just stopped showing her the new ones.
I got a new tattoo about a week ago inspired by my favorite poem that my mom saw tonight for the first time. She immediately had things to say, ‘That’s so ugly, you’re SO going to regret that, why would you do that?’ I was furious.
I asked her how she could say such terrible things & why does she feel the need to point every little thing out? She immediately got defensive & kept saying how she’s allowed to have her own opinion. We kept arguing until I finally screamed ‘Can’t you let someone in this house feel good in their body?’ She stopped in her tracks, immediately started to cry & ran off to her room, and has been there now for hours.
I feel terrible, I don’t want her to feel like a bad mother or anything I just genuinely couldn’t take any more judgment about my body from that woman. Her not liking an outfit or thinking I gained weight is one thing, but to critique things that I now love about my body & are on said body forever is another.
I know I’m an adult & don’t need her approval, I just wish I had it a bit more.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like there is more going on here than disagreement about tattoos.
Your mother is responsible for her own emotional management.
You don’t ‘make her’ mad, sad, etc, those are her responses to the events around her.
She owns her body image issues and you own yours. She may have fostered an unhealthy environment for you growing up, but you are both aware and in charge of your own health now.
If you know she’s against tattoos and may never understand, stop sharing them with her. It doesn’t matter if you say, ‘look what I’ve done for you!’ if no ink will make her feel proud or sentimental. She may be reading it as ‘look what I’ve done to myself because of you!’
My adult daughter said we needed to talk upon her return from college. I was afraid she was sick, had experienced some trauma, or wanted to come out—none of which would change my feelings for her.
She showed me two tattoos and gave me a card saying she was sorry because she knows I’m not a fan.
I was sad only because she felt she couldn’t share these without fear that I might judge her. In the end, it’s her body. I hope your mother comes around to accepting you and your choices.” GladysKravitz21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s good you are recognizing you don’t need her approval and absolutely you are right it would be nice to hear it.
The reality is you may never hear or hear it the way you want it to sound. And it will take for you to get to the point where you don’t need it anymore. As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters.
Unless you can learn to let her comments go right past you and not seek her validation I would suggest therapy for yourself and maybe some family therapy between your mom and you.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom needs to get over herself.
I’m the same age as you and have 29 tattoos, some big, some small, all over my body. My mom used to hate them and basically after letting her know once and for all, that I did not care if others didn’t like them, because they were for me and my body, did she start leaving me alone.
Now, she actually really likes my tattoos and loves knowing when I get new ones. I’m not saying your mom is gonna suddenly be a huge fan of them, but you need to get the idea that what she thinks of your body choices matters out of your head because it doesn’t.
Enjoy your tattoos, love yourself, and try your best to shut down conversations with your mom about them until she can behave politely. She doesn’t have to like them but they are there and they don’t warrant mean comments.” Rigbygetofftheshelf
18. AITJ For Making A Joke About My Brother?
“So, my brother has always had digs at me. I’m the younger sibling. I’m omitting ages for identity reasons, but I’m late teens and he’s in his twenties, so it was never anything nasty, just usual older sibling stuff. I never really felt like a victim and in more recent years, was able to brush it off, whereas in the past I’d been unable to take jokes like that and been subsequently called bitter and told to ‘take a joke’
Two things that get honed in on a lot are my face – it’s very round. I used to practice smiling in mirrors so I knew how to position myself in photos to make it less round and used to wear my hair down no matter what to hide it –and my hands.
They’re small and stumpy. When I was younger I used to be into nail art, but quit because my hands looked awful with longer nails as it highlighted just how horrible they were, and I didn’t need pictures to document it.
Neither of these things really bother me anymore and I can take jokes on them.
Last night I made a joke similar to the ones he makes to me – about his back hair. It’s really not that weird, but I made a comment about it because he walks around shirtless so I notice it.
He got upset and said he was genuinely insecure about it, and my mum (who had sometimes joined in on the face and hand jokes) backed him and I got told off for being a jerk about it.
I apologized, no excuses given, saying I’d crossed a line and It wouldn’t happen again, because I genuinely felt bad. I said I’d meant it in the same way he jokes about me, just playfully and I thought he’d laugh it off but I was wrong and shouldn’t have said it.
But now the more I’m thinking about it, the more I’m like ‘if that was me I’d be getting grilled for not taking a joke,’ ‘hang on, it’s OK if it’s directed at me, but not at him??’
So, I pose it to you, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Jokes are supposed to be funny. If they are used as an excuse for inappropriate comments, that’s bullying.
And if you are good at verbally punching others you better be good at taking a hit. But bullies never are and that’s what your brother is.
One small taste of his own medicine and he is butthurt.
You on the other side even had the decency to apologize and own your responsibility.” MasterpieceOk4688
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Jokes about personal features aren’t really jokes unless the person themselves is making it about themselves.
He wasn’t right in what he did to you, and you weren’t right in what you did to him. It’s good you gave an unqualified apology. Next time he makes a similar statement to you, refer back to this and let him know it upsets you similar to how it upset him.” CaseTough7844
Another User Comments:
“You are SO NTJ.
Your brother and your mother, however…
I mean, really? After years of dealing with pretty harsh comments, you get shamed for making one? And then you took accountability and apologized?
Are you sure they’re your real family?” SassyPieHole173
17. AITJ For Not Wanting A Puppy?
“My (f19) partner (m20) and I are expecting a baby girl in early May. We are currently working on moving to a different apartment and the property allows pets.
My partner and I are both dog people and love animals. About a week ago he comes to tell me he’s found a breeder for Cane Corso puppies (his dream dog) and they will be ready for their forever homes around the same time our little girl is due.
I told him that’s great but I honestly feel the last thing we need is a puppy when we have a baby on the way. He’s insisting that it’ll be fine and dogs aren’t that hard to train anyway.
Now I had a puppy when I was younger and remember vividly how stressful it was at times, puppies are literally baby dogs and still need just as much if not more attention than a human baby.
I told him straight up that I don’t want a puppy right now, especially since after our daughter arrives I won’t be working until I recover. I’d basically have two babies to take care of while he’s at work. I know it’s his dream dog but I don’t think I can carry that workload, especially since I’m a first-time mom.
AITJ?
UPDATE: I’m considering asking his dad to talk him out of this idea, his dad is a single dad of 4 so he knows the struggle of raising babies. I brought up the fact the apartment doesn’t allow this breed of dog (I checked the lease), and he responded ‘So?
They don’t have to know what kind of dog we have’.
I’ve told him I WILL NOT BE CARING FOR THE DOG IF HE DECIDES TO BRING IT HOME. He tried to ‘reassure’ me by saying. ‘All you’d have to do is keep the dog alive while I’m at work’ ( he works 10-12 hours a day)
UPDATE! No, he did not end up getting the dog but unfortunately, a lot of the comments were right about him being lazy with child care. He is still looking to get a dog because he wants our baby to ‘grow up together’ with the dog.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner is though for even considering this. A Cane Corso is WAY too large a breed to consider keeping in an apartment more than short term, and a dog that large and strong will not know its own strength until into adulthood since it’s still growing.
And because your husband doesn’t understand the commitment or need to train, you will be putting your newborn at serious risk of being bitten or crushed beneath a well-meaning but energetic and strong puppy.
Puppy training starts and ends with consistency, and inconsistency or lax attitudes with these dogs means a huge dog with aggression towards humans/animals with the strength to easily destroy things, including living things.
If he’s already tried to talk to them and won’t back down on this, contact the breeder yourself and tell them your situation. Any breeder worth their salt would not sell a dog to a family who can’t even begin to meet their needs.” iolight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Puppies require a lot of time and attention. And Cane Corsos are not for the faint of heart. Only experienced owners who have the time to socialize and train them should have one. I’d also look into your apartment’s pet policy.
Many of them have weight or breed restrictions. If it has any restrictions, it is highly unlikely you’d be able to have one. Add in that babies also require a lot of time and attention. It wouldn’t be fair to anybody.
Also, cost?
Purebred puppies from a breeder are expensive and Corsos are big dogs which means higher vet bills and food costs. That money should be going to your baby and getting stable in your new home.” DubiousLake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, this is completely bonkers.
He has no concept of how difficult babies are and clearly has done zero research on postpartum health. I hope he gets himself together and steps up to be a better partner to you. He’s still VERY much only thinking of himself, and if he can’t unlearn that he’s going to be a nightmare co-parent and an absent-at-best dad.
That he even thought this was a good idea for 10 seconds is a glaring red flag.
Also, no reputable breeder would place a puppy in this situation. Where the main owner/trainer is gone 10-12 hours a day, so the dog is left with someone who just undergone an extreme medical event (make no mistake, that is what giving birth is) a newborn, all in an apartment?!
It’s a terrible idea and no breeder would put one of their dogs in the position to harm or kill a newborn. Anyone who would allow it is doing random breeding or running a puppy mill.
Sending you my best with all of this!” Educational_Watch_80
16. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Family For Throwing Me A Surprise Party?
“I’ve been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for a few years now and really struggle in crowds and high-energy situations. I’m in treatment and it’s been a slow but steady process. My family knows this and makes an effort to include me in get-togethers to help me work through it and I try to be there as best as I can.
My birthday was last week and for at least a month before my family asked what I wanted to do and I said I really didn’t want to do anything. They kept insisting and I wanted to make an effort so we agreed on dinner with the immediate family at my parents’ house.
I understood that it was my brother, sister, BIL, niece, nephew, and parents. Come the day of my birthday I get there to yells of surprise. I was stunned for a second but recovered and tried to play it off. My entire family was at the house.
I have a very large family and it was incredibly crowded. I tried to get through it as best as I could and had to take anxiety medication not to break down.
I eventually relaxed and even had a decent time but was still anxious and incredibly upset by being surprised that way.
After they left and it was just the immediate family I told them that was incredibly inappropriate and they had no right to do that and I left. My sister called me today to tell me I’ve really upset my parents and they were trying to do something nice for me and kept it to my family and I ruined a good moment by snapping.
She said I was being selfish and ungrateful and should have seen the gesture for what it was. I said that my birthday shouldn’t have been about what they wanted but rather respecting what I made very clear. Even getting to the point of agreeing to an intimate dinner took us time and negotiations.
She insisted that because I had a decent time, it was unnecessary for me to say something and ruin my parent’s day.
I get that they were coming from a good place and they’re wonderful people who couldn’t have known the visceral experience at that moment and how that would have felt like for me, but they know enough about my situation to know better.
I keep replaying my sister’s words and I’m starting to feel guilty and think maybe I was better off leaving it and not upsetting my family when they were trying to do something nice for me.
So, AITJ for telling my family that I was upset they threw me a surprise party?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can see all sides. Your feelings are valid, and they tried to make it something you’d enjoy. And while you may not have liked the surprise, you admitted that you had a decent time so ultimately I can’t call anyone a jerk here.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At the same time, as someone with similar issues and a family that generally means well, use the fact that you ended up enjoying this as a tool moving forward.
You shouldn’t have been pushed that hard. Yet, now that you were, use the knowledge that you can handle larger crowds in the future.
If there’s a big family event coming up, remind yourself you will likely enjoy it again once you feel comfortable. Then do what you need to do to find that comfort – learn who’s going to be there ahead of time, take a moment before going to process your anxiety (I tend to have a final cry and do breathing exercises), and try to have at least one person in your family that understands.
Once one person was on my side, it was much easier to explain to the rest that even if I know I will enjoy something I’m going to get anxious, because it’s a chemical reaction in my body and I can’t control it.
I’m going to need space before going somewhere, and please leave me alone unless I ask for help. I’m not trying to ’cause a scene’ by crying, and me taking the time to allow my emotions to crest is me ‘getting over it.’
Sometimes even all that isn’t enough, or you don’t want to go. That’s okay.
Knowing what I can handle makes it easier to say no to the things I can’t. No, I don’t want a surprise party. I need to know things ahead to mentally prepare.
No, I don’t want a big birthday party. I’m comfortable doing big things for my milestones and attending big parties for close family, but please don’t plan a shindig on my behalf.
I hope you find your balance and your voice is heard.
It isn’t easy, but in my experience, if everyone really does mean well there is a way to find peace.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Sounds like your parents love you a lot and want you to be happy, and haven’t totally gotten past feeling like parents of a little one — feeling like they know better than you what will make you happy in the end.” brendzel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even without you having anxieties, I would see nothing wrong with you telling them that surprise parties are not your thing. Yea, they probably came from a good place, but step 1 in doing something nice for someone is to make sure they’d actually want the thing you’re doing.
They can’t even claim ignorance in this case. They knew full well that you don’t enjoy this type of thing and they did it anyway because screw what you want, I guess?” Nightfish_
15. AITJ For Standing Up For My Sister Who Just Lost Her Baby?
“My (17f) sister (21f) eloped and got married last year and even though my parents made amends with her soon after that, my relatives didn’t hold off on criticizing her and my parents.
They said all kinds of mean things they could spew out of their mouths. They even went as far as telling me that I am no different from my sister and I would bring the same shame that she has brought. My parents never said anything regarding this to them because they never dared to speak such a way to our faces.
It was visible that it hurt my parents as well as my sister.
Anyway soon after she got married, my sister was expecting her first baby. Everything was perfect but in the 6th month she had a miscarriage and her baby was still. After the excruciating pain of birthing a child and the emotional trauma of birthing a stillborn baby, my family, especially my sister was shattered. This was painful to her to an extent only a mother who has lost a child could understand.
While we were going through such hard times, processing the loss of the baby, my relatives, behind our backs said that this was doomed to happen. They said the baby was conceived before the marriage and was the result of sin. They said that god took away her baby to punish her for her sins and this will teach her to never hurt her parents and bring shame to the family (them).
I got to know this and I knew exactly who could’ve said that. I confronted them and said pretty mean things. They ended up calling me a brat and a child who has not learned to respect their elders. Honestly, I don’t feel bad about calling them out but my mom said it wasn’t my place to speak.
She said if my sister wanted, she could do that on her own and she doesn’t want any rift but to spend some time in peace and grieve (which is true, my sister did tell us she doesn’t care what they say and we should let them be).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and respect is earned not given. You do not need anyone like this in your life. Once your elders give you something to respect – you will. Until then their actions have consequences. Usually, the loudest are the ones with things to hide.
One year I had several cousins getting married and one of my aunts said something about her daughter being the only one to wear white at her wedding. Mind you – this aunt was at least 6 months pregnant when she married my uncle – AND we lived next to them and every time she left town her daughter’s significant other spent the night.” crazycatlady45325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you respected them more than I would’ve. It would’ve been my fist respecting their face. Good job being an adult and holding your anger, I personally wouldn’t have been able to. I think it’s time you sit and talk with your parents about seriously considering low contact with the rest of your family.
They sound horrid. Best wishes to you and your close family and may your sister find peace after such a horrible event. Keep being an amazing little sister, you rock really.” Helpful_Candidate_92
Another User Comments:
“Hard NTJ. I always get really skeptical when people start talking about God.
I don’t believe God would take a baby‘s life out of some kind of misguided vengeance or punishment. And it certainly isn’t your family’s place to announce what they think God is doing in such a traumatic insensitive and inappropriate way.
Child loss at six months of pregnancy is traumatic in a way that only those who have experienced it can understand.
It is a lifelong trauma that one can move through but you never really move past it.
Shame on your relatives for treating her with anything less than unconditional love through such a tragedy. And good for you for standing up for her. This has nothing to do with respect for elders and everything to do with the lack of respect your elders have for you.” monigheand0nn
14. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Don't Mind Being Cut Off By My Cousin?
“I’m 30F. Growing up I had a cousin who was very close to my age so we were together all the time. Around 10yo the comments started. She’d tell me how my hair looks messy while hers is perfect and how she can’t play with me because she doesn’t want to look as dirty as me.
Then her mother got involved too.
Every time I got higher grades at school she would say I had easier exams and if I got hurt she would have a long tale of how her daughter was brave enduring ten times more than me. When I was 13 my cousin, her mother, and another family member decided to confront me about my clothing choices, I was a tomboy and my parents let me participate in any sports I wanted. They kept telling me I need to be more like her and she stood there beaming.
I reacted badly, my mother got involved and told me that these comments shouldn’t affect me and I need to ignore them but kept making me go out with her. The comments never stopped, they grew to you’ll not marry and such.
The second my parents couldn’t decide how I spent my time I stopped talking to my cousin.
Now, she recently had a child and they didn’t tell us. I’m fine with that but someone close to her told us and my mother wants me to call and congratulate her. I told her I’m not sure if this is public knowledge or if she just told people close to her.
If she doesn’t want me to know then I don’t want to know and that’s fine. My mother says that I did something to make her hide this, even though they didn’t tell my mother either, and I have to call and stop being petty since I got married and had a kid long before her.
I said I don’t care if I hurt her she can cut me off if I make her feel bad. My mother thinks I’m a bad person for saying this and I can’t be bothered to mend fences with family members and rise above things.
To be honest, I stopped being angry long ago I just don’t have anyone with this mindset in my life. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they treated you badly and your mother should have put a stop to this garbage years ago. It took you to stop it when you said you quit talking to your cousin.
She has always had the need to compete with you for some reason. You are already married and have a child and I assume you never heard from your cousin. Same thing. Your mother is wrong. You are right. You don’t need to call her.
She has never tried to make amends so no need to crawl to her or the others. You don’t need those toxic people in your life. Tell your mom it is over and done and please don’t bring them up anymore. I have my own life and family and I don’t need their drama.
Peace in my life is not petty. She brings it up again just change the subject.” mcmurrml
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your mother has an issue with the cousin not telling her (your mother) about the baby, then your mother needs to contact the cousin and discuss it.
You and your cousin are both adults and determine your own relationship. Your mother is a jerk for saying you’re a ‘bad person’ just because you think family members need to treat each other well to still deserve a relationship. It is not your responsibility to ‘mend fences’ over your cousin’s years of bad behavior and ill-treatment of you.
Don’t contact the cousin, and don’t discuss it with your mother.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why your cousin and aunt are jerks. To your mom, I would say that this has always been a one-sided competition in which you were an unwilling participant, and if you simply living your life is enough to cause your cousin distress and make her feel threatened, she needs to look inward as to why that is and/or seek therapy.
It sounds like your aunt fueled this competitive nature with your cousin and I would not be surprised to find that your aunt used your successes to berate and belittle your cousin behind closed doors. It certainly would explain her behavior and the non-contact now.
Not to say that’s on you because it isn’t, but I feel that initiating contact is not likely to be received well. No matter how kindly you phrase your congratulations, she will find some way to interpret it as passive-aggressive. Your aunt is the supreme jerk but your mom takes the silver for not shutting this nonsense down years ago for your sake and your cousin’s.” murdocjones
13. AITJ If I Don't Go To My Friend's Wedding Because I Have Other Plans?
“My friend has been in love with an older guy for the last eight years. He strung her along until last spring when he finally committed to a relationship with her. Her sister passed away a few months later and she hasn’t been the same optimist she used to be (understandably).
Two weeks ago, he proposed (at our workplace, on my day off). He had his people there that he wanted. She had our boss because he didn’t tell anyone else. Their wedding planning began immediately and he decided he didn’t want an in-state wedding because ‘too many people would want to come’ and he needs people to like him.
When she told me this, she said ‘I know probably only my family will be able to make it and I understand that’.
Now, they’ve decided to fly across the country in three months for their wedding. This poses several problems for me: I’ve had tickets to an event that was announced TWO YEARS ago.
Not to mention I cannot afford a plane ticket/hotel on this short notice. She is now telling me he will pay for my plane ticket to fly there the night before, watch them get married, and fly back, all I have to do is give up the plans I’ve been looking forward to!
AITJ for saying enough is enough? I’m not comfortable watching him call all the shots while she does anything he wants because she’s afraid to make him mad. I’m also not comfortable with anyone that throws their money around in a ‘there, problem solved’ manner…
AITJ for skipping this wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the question posed – you have plans that have been made for 2 years and it’s a relatively last-minute distance wedding.
However, I do feel that there might at this moment be a chance to be a better friend.
There are so many red flags with this relationship and it seems like your friend has had just enough attention to be strung along for 8 years. As you say, he does seem to be calling all the shots, so how does she think that might change when they are actually married… I think it will only get worse.
She’s in a really vulnerable position as she’s grieving. The thought of losing a relationship would add more grief, but at what cost long term?
I’d be really torn to be at EVERYTHING I was invited to point out and challenge him, in front of her.
Might be considered a jerk move, but I’d have to.
Also… has she by any chance inherited anything from her sister’s passing? Seems odd that he’s now wanting to get married. Just so many red flags.” No_Host_2021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for skipping the wedding but I’m wondering how much of this is your perception of things… People get married where they want not based on if one friend can come.
Some people are also okay with just family coming. He’s not against you coming if he’s willing to fly you out and he didn’t need to plan the proposal around you or anyone else. People get engaged in their own time. Some take many years.
People get married out of state (and out of the country for that matter) to have a smaller wedding. Not unheard of and if she’s okay with it what’s the problem? It’s fine to have plans but they don’t have a choose a date and place just so you can be there.
How many people were at the engagement? Does she have lots of friends at work? Does she have a big family? Did he say he needs people to like him? Is she specific in her planning choices or is she nonchalant and happy for it to just happen regardless of the details?” Gogowhine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This wedding isn’t even about you, you in no way shape, or form are obligated to go. You have previous plans, that’s the end of it.
She can go along with whatever he wants, you do not have to, nor should you.
Because you, as a functioning adult, get to make your own choices. Including, ‘I don’t want to’ being a valid choice even if you DIDN’T have plans. Sorry I’m not flying across the country for a wedding with little notice, her fiancé wanted to make it hard for people to show up, and he did.
So I’m also lost why you not coming is an issue when PEOPLE NOT COMING WAS THE GOAL. The dude has control issues. Let me reiterate, NTJ.” tea_abeth
12. AITJ For Wanting To Rehome Our Dog?
“I’m not a dog person but my spouse (Kay) wanted a dog.
We agreed that if Kay took on the bulk of care we could get one and I feel like we won the dog lottery. The dog (Bee) has a lovely disposition and is great with kids and cats. We couldn’t have asked for a better dog.
The thing is, we all do the basics: refill Bee’s food/water, and let her out into the garden but Kay is responsible for walks and grooming, which frankly, are not happening with any regularity.
I’ve spoken to Kay a few times about how Bee needs at least one good walk a day and home grooming.
Kay agrees and it gets a bit better but then goes back to how it was before. It’s been months and nothing has changed. I’ve suggested paying a dog walker but then I honestly don’t see the point in having a dog at all. If I go out for a walk with our kid I will take Bee with us but only because I feel guilty and not because I want to.
My friend (Ell) just got their own place and was looking to adopt a dog and I suggested to Kay that maybe Ell could adopt Bee. They were sad and accepted that Bee should go to a home where they get better care. I brought it up to Ell who said that they would think about it but they liked the idea.
So yesterday I spoke to Ell who said they’d be willing to adopt Bee maybe around August but they want to go for walks with us and them (Ell and her spouse, Tee) and just see how everyone bonds. This morning I relayed this to Kay.
Kay seemed sad and I said it was not too late. Ell is understanding and you can change your mind (Ell said literally up to the day of) but I reminded them that Kay needed to be committed to taking Bee out every day.
Kay said something like ‘I get it, you don’t like the dog and she’s getting rehomed. End of story’ and went out, which stung a bit.
I feel like the jerk because I’m trying to rehome a dog that’s not really mine (and I’m definitely the one pushing for it). I’m not Bee’s biggest fan and I would appreciate not having fur in the carpets or dog poop in the garden anymore.
On the other hand, I don’t feel like I’m setting an impossible standard that Kay can’t meet, if they want Bee to stay then she needs to be walked but also, I could just take on responsibility and walk her myself.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re trying to do what’s best without forcing or accusing anyone (if she reaffirms her commitment to follow through on care, you’ve already said the dog can stay, she hasn’t missed her chance to be trusted); she is acknowledging she can’t care for the dog and is letting it go even though it hurts.
All taking the best path that sucks hugely.
She’s just hurting, and being reminded she has the option to change her mind and do the dog care more just reminds her that can but she won’t, and so guilt added to the sting of loss.
Not many people could handle that with grace. But you can’t not say it to spare her, better for her to lash out deflecting now than genuinely believe it was all your fault and she had no choice later on. Sucks for everyone.” GojuSuzi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think you’re being more than reasonable.
The dog needs its basic needs met. That’s currently not happening, and you are working towards making sure it does happen.
I imagine Kay will be upset at having to rehome the dog – it’s an upsetting thing to have to do whether or not you’re doing it for the ‘right’ reasons or not.
She is likely lashing out at you because she’s upset and is feeling unsupported.
I would sit down and have a reasonable discussion with her and try to make a plan to try and keep Bee.
Set out daily expectations on a clear schedule (with who is expected to do what, and what times, etc).
This might be a good way to visually show Kay that maybe she plain and simple does not have the time needed to care for a dog on top of everything else. If it does work, great! She gets to keep the dog. Either way, you’re going to be a supportive partner who tried to help her figure it out, rather than the person who ‘is making (her) get rid of the dog.'” Novel-Problem
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, I really don’t buy into the whole ‘making one person be in charge of the responsibilities’ idea with pets. It should be how having a kid is (should be), with everyone onboard and sharing the duties evenly as a team effort.
Can you imagine your spouse wanting to have a kid and trying to talk to you about it, and you say okay but you have to take care of the child’s needs outside of feeding them?
Should Kay be more responsible for the dog she wanted and begged for?
Absolutely and she is a jerk for not doing it (this is seriously kid behavior and I had to go back and confirm it was an adult). But you should never have agreed to bring a new creature into your family if you weren’t fully committed to taking care of the animal if Kay didn’t.
Now this pupper has bonded with your family and you’re in the situation of breaking that bond to prove a point, or because you resent how it turned out? Sorry, but Bee is family and you do not just rehome it because you don’t want to bother taking care of Bee.
You rehome Bee when you can’t take care of it, and that’s not the case here, you just don’t want to do the work either. Your kids are eventually going to be able to take Bee on walks and would probably be happy to, and how much regular grooming does Bee need?
Is it just brushing hair that sheds?
Those two things are not the hard parts when it comes to having a dog, it’s pathetic that that is where you are hung up on. Both you and Kay need to get a reality check and take care of ‘all’ your children, humans and cats and dogs alike.” LowBattery
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are prioritizing the dog’s health and well being and you are not being unreasonable with your request for responsibility from your spouse who wants to keep the dog.
A story that may look a bit like yours:
When it was my mom, my brother, and I living in our house we adopted a dog.
We loved him and he was great. We tried to keep him happy and not leave him alone a lot of time. It worked while my brother was still in high school.
My brother used to care the most for our dogs along with my mother, but I couldn’t help a lot since I was already studying at a local university and used to be out the entire day.
That arrangement was from the beginning since I knew I couldn’t take care of our dog with a routine like that.
Some months after adopting the dog my brother went to a university really far away and that made the dog really stressed because now he would be alone every day from morning until night.
It basically couldn’t be avoided because of my mom’s work and my university schedule. At one point the dog started destroying everything, including the walls. He loves when we were back and play with him and walk him, but the day was too lonely for him.
I suggested to my mom to adopt a second dog as a companion for him, but she said it would be too much work to take care of 2 (which is not true, since having another dog will help them with the loneliness and the play time, as well as avoid the costs of fixing the house).
Ultimately my mother and I decided to give him up to be adopted by a lady that had a giant garden for him with a lot of dogs. I wasn’t happy because I loved that dog, but I knew it wouldn’t help his health being alone all day.
We all liked and wanted the dog, but we couldn’t take care of him properly because of the circumstances at the time, so we did the responsible thing and had a good person who would take good care of him adopt.
If Kay adopted the dog, despite you really not wanting Bee, and took the responsibility, but isn’t responsible enough, you are not wrong in letting him be adopted. It is sad, but the dog’s health comes first if you really love him and are decent people.” victoragc
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To A Work Dinner?
“I joined this workplace 3 years ago, and the group was already really tight-knit. I belong to a different department (which only contains me and my boss) but share the same office space as my coworkers, and therefore interact with them on a daily basis. They have lunch together every day, but I never get invited (I usually end up eating in the office alone, or in my car), and the same for the other social events the employees organize.
I don’t believe I’ve done anything to offend anyone, and I try to be friendly and accommodating as much as I can (which has sometimes resulted in people abusing my time and me having to do extra work to be helpful). I don’t even think it’s done maliciously, just that they don’t even think about asking me.
Or maybe because I technically belong to a different department I am not one of them. Although at this point I don’t know.
We’ve recently had an intern join us, and she got really easily integrated into the group (ie being invited to lunch and other social events).
We had to work closely together, so we became friendly. She’s leaving soon and has invited me to her going away dinner (3 weeks after she invited everyone else, so felt a bit like an afterthought), I said I’d go but honestly, I don’t want to, the idea of spending an evening with people that don’t normally include me in anything isn’t exactly appealing.
I know it’s not her fault, but I just really don’t want to go. AITJ if I don’t go?
More details:
I made a lot of effort when I started working here, to be nice and friendly to everyone. I went to all the ‘compulsory’ company-organized events, helped people when asked, went the extra mile when needed, bought Christmas cards and chocolate eggs for Easter… I only started isolating myself when I realized I wasn’t included in anything.
They had every chance to get to know me better, and no one ever took it. The intern has only been here a short while, and she’s leaving so not exactly like anything would change as a result of this dinner.
Also, I feel a little like I shouldn’t have to make the effort to be included anymore (I tried, but they passed, so I moved on), and spend time with people who clearly don’t want to spend time with me.
But then I feel like that is what makes me the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but, seems like you might not have been invited to things in the past because you’re letting off some ‘leave me alone’ vibes. I mean, you eat alone in your car so you don’t have to interact with others?
This is your chance to break the cycle and get out of this funk and start creating a more social and, hopefully, happier, work environment for yourself. The worst-case scenario is you go and realize they are all hopelessly boring and discover you weren’t missing out.
Best case scenario you make some friends.” Winter-Travel5749
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But… maybe this is the chance to meet some of your coworkers properly. If they didn’t exclude you on purpose, this could be a nice way to see them and test the waters, so to speak.
Maybe you will like them and vice versa.
My take when I don’t want to go but know it might be a good idea to go: it’s only 3 hours of my life. What’s the worst that could happen? 3 hours are over quickly.” EntertainmentOk6284
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course, but I’d still go to her dinner. You’re complaining about not being invited for lunch for the last three years and now you’re refusing to go to this dinner you’ve been invited to? I think that’s the perfect opportunity for your other coworkers to get to know you better.” fl0werofevil
10. AITJ For Ignoring My Parents?
“I have anger issues I think it came from the family tree because everybody on my mom’s side has them, but over time I understood how to control them.
The whole secret is just in taking some time to yourself not talking to anybody or replying with your body movement instead of talking.
That worked for me and I realized more and more things about myself and I learned a lot, I came back as a completely different person and come off as more polite to people.
But due to the stress in school and exams, I started to get annoyed really quickly, I would sometimes shout at people because I got annoyed, and then I feel terrible for that and apologized. For this month I realized I just didn’t want to talk to anybody.
I went into a full ghost mode. I’m really rarely talking to my parents because that’s the people who usually get into arguments with me most of the time. If they need anything and they yell for me and I come up I’ll not even ask what, I’ll bring them what they wanted and leave back to my room.
My parents were usually going to blame me for things that I didn’t do. I guess they used me as a scapegoat just not to get into an argument with each other. It can be the curtain on a shower that was not closed off after using or the dishes in the sink.
Even though I was really patient that month somehow I still got into an argument with my parents. They wanted me to reply to something and were poking into me saying ‘don’t you want to say something?’ They were waiting for an apology for something that I didn’t do, I was even not the one who had to be apologizing in this situation.
My temper almost got the best of me but I just stayed quiet and went back to my room. My parents are still angry with me for not saying anything.
I overheard them saying let’s just ignore her and give her the silent treatment for the rest of the week.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
YOU worked on your anger issues to control your temper. Your parents DID NOT. They’ll still get mad at the stupidest things because that’s who they are.
By the way, you may need to see a therapist because you’ll have to learn to talk even though you’re upset.
Walking away won’t always be the answer & can be a very inappropriate response (ie: teacher upset & you walk out of class or just sit there; police demanding info/conversation & you try to walk away, your boss being a jerk & you just sit there quietly).
To truly control your anger, you also have to calmly verbally discuss a resolution with the opposing party.” rtgd_mmm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Getting the silent treatment from people who only open their mouths to antagonize you is not a punishment, it’s a reward.
Enjoy that silent treatment for as long as it lasts, and get away from them as soon as you can.” Charlie_Parkers_Mood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in all fairness I’ve got a super short fuse, like both my parents (who avidly deny that they have anger problems even when I’ve seen my dad throw stuff across the room because HE misplaced something, or how my mother threatens to kick me if I say the wrong thing) and I’ve learned to pretty much do the same, if I’m getting annoyed I tend to only say one-word answers or deflect questions that I know would turn into a conversation.” Informal_Passion7975
9. AITJ For Being Angry At My Dad For How He Lives His Life?
“My mother and father are separated and my father has found someone else and has 9 children including me. I have 2 siblings on my mother’s side, so in total there are 11 siblings, 12 if you count a stepbrother I have on my mother’s side. Now that that’s out of the way I want to discuss the real problem.
My dad is a deadbeat and had all of his children taken away by CPS. At the time he had 5 kids (not including me) and decided during that time period he was going to have 3 kids taken away from him because he knocked up his partner and now there is another one on the way.
I’m annoyed because he can’t take care of the kid, doesn’t care who has to suffer, and doesn’t pay anything to the people who take care of his kids. A bonus just in case he wasn’t more of a jerk, he abandoned me at a very young age.
The reason I ask AITJ is because I wonder if I should be this butt hurt. It is his life and I’ve been doubting myself about if what he did was wrong so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – yep, you should be this butt hurt BUT – if you want to move on with life and not have this man affect you anymore then try not letting his actions affect you emotionally, try not caring, it’s hard but with practice it is doable.
I had to do this with a sibling for my own mental health I choose not to care anymore.” Too_Tired_Too_Old
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Feelings aren’t wrong, but how you act on them might be. I don’t see anything you can do that will change the life of this new baby-in-waiting, or even keep another one from coming.
I’m assuming that you won’t follow his example of deadbeat attitude, yes?” billlevansatmariposa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and at least you know what NOT to look for in a partner. The women he is having children with are adults and they are choosing to have children with him.
Sadly none of the adults seem to be making good decisions. Just watch and learn. Do not repeat their mistakes. You cannot change him or what is happening. You are right, but it is out of your control.” crazycatlady45325
8. AITJ For Being Mad At My Brother For Leaving Me After My Surgery?
“So today I had surgery to repair an inguinal hernia. My older brother is my roommate and picked me up from the hospital after my operation. We get back home, and I collapse on the couch from nausea and pain. My brother doesn’t ask if I’m okay or how I feel.
He tells me he’s going out to meet a friend and will be back in a few hours. I asked if he could pick me up some food on the way home, and he said yes.
At this point, I haven’t had any food in about 24 hours because I’d been fasting for my operation.
I get a text from him a few hours later saying he wouldn’t be back for another couple of hours. So I tell him don’t worry about the food since I feel nauseous anyway. But this whole time, I’ve been home alone watching TV, trying to ignore the pain in my stomach, and hanging out with his cat (who was actually incredibly sweet to me during this time).
But I felt like I’d been dropped off and left alone like some random person. This is my brother. We grew up together and have been roommates for about a year now. I can’t even sit up without wanting to retch or feeling pain in my stomach, and he just leaves without asking me if I need anything.
I would never do that to him if the tables were turned. So I lay there for 5-6 hours and finally feel good enough to sit up and eat a banana and a slice of bread with peanut butter. Definitely would have liked some actual food but couldn’t really stand longer than a minute or two without feeling too much pain.
He gets home soon after and doesn’t ask how I’m doing. He sees me hunched over walking out of my bathroom and laughs, comes over to fart in my room, and leaves. At this point, I’m annoyed and tell him that he’s a bad brother and that it was really eye-opening for me to realize how little I mean to him.
How I rarely ask him for anything, and that the one time I might need some support he just leaves to go drink with a friend without a backward glance at me. He breaks down crying, and we talk for a long time. In the end, he feels like I overreacted and am making a big deal out of ‘minor’ surgery, though he does feel bad about leaving… and that’s how we left it.
AITJ for overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“I understand your frustration, but it sounds like you never expressed any of what you were thinking or feeling to him. But also, maybe he just thought it was normal that you were in pain after surgery? I think ‘no jerks here’.
It’s just a communication issue leading to misaligned expectations. You told him not to worry about bringing you food because you feel sick (I imagine this is also completely normal after surgery). Then you later say that you would have in fact liked real food.
He’s family, and he clearly cares, just be franker with him and stuff like this won’t happen.” Flicksonreddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, your brother might have been in trouble if anything happened in the 24h after anesthesia and he was written down as the person who picks you up and supervises you.
Please tell him how this was not okay, not just from a brother/friend standpoint but also from a medical one as he was responsible for you during that time. I wish you a speedy recovery and wish for some semblance of sense for your brother.” RyoTsushigawa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I can’t see how your brother would know what you need after surgery considering you never told him. I get it, you are sick and feel awful, but other people aren’t mind readers. Did you ask him to stay with you for the day after surgery or did you just ask him to pick you up?
You told him you didn’t need food, you never asked him to come home. He isn’t a mind reader.” OrangeCubit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! If you’ve had surgery, you are NOT supposed to be left alone for the first 24 hours, in case of complications.
I’m surprised your doctors hadn’t told you this. But even if that wasn’t the case, your brother was a completely self-centered, thoughtless jerk. Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity would have been aware that you needed some support and comfort that night.” bethanymonday72
7. AITJ For Blocking A Girl Who Claims To Be In Love With Me?
“I (21 m) and K (20 f) have known one another since we were 15-16.
We’ve only met IRL twice but did have a long-distance ‘situationship’ that was on and off for years (due to being in high school). Side note: (I don’t consider her an ex because it was high school and we never really made anything official as we were/are in different states)
Around my freshman year of college, we attempted to give the relationship one more try but after about a month she said that we should just be friends and she didn’t think we’d work. I was crushed but said fine, this wasn’t uncommon as throughout high school whenever we stopped talking it would be initiated by her.
I have and never will fault her for that though as she did have a bad home life and I know her way of dealing with struggles is to distance and isolate.
So about 2-3 days before my birthday I get an email from K.
She sends me screenshots of old songs I recorded my freshman year and asks if I have anything new, I apologize and tell her I don’t. She then asks me if I have time to talk. I say yes and she asks me to add her on Snapchat, to which I do and then things went down.
We begin the convo catching up, talking bout family, health, etc. Then she proceeds to tell me that she’s been in a relationship living with B (24 M) for a year and a half and she moved to his hometown with him. Then she says she hates their relationship and wishes it was me, going on to say how I am the perfect man for her and she’s known since high school.
She even said it’s my kids she wants to bear and that she’s deeply in love with me. I am shocked and tell her I don’t know how to respond, I never under any circumstances condone infidelity plus I valued our friendship/relationship so much I wouldn’t wanna taint or lose respect for it/her.
She begins begging and love bombing me saying how it was a ploy to move with him so she could be closer to me and we could actually make this work. This is the second convo we had and was on my birthday, I lose it and I simply tell her how I was uncomfortable and didn’t really believe she loved me.
I explained how I don’t believe she can love me and be in a committed relationship with someone else, how I was hurt that she would put me in this position, and basically insinuate that I two-time with her. After this, I blocked her on Snapchat and just deleted the app altogether.
I’m torn tbh because deep down I have always loved her. I am also weary as I truly believe that is what she wanted all along but, now that she is unhappy in the relationship she’s reaching out to me for attention.
She said I was the first thing she thought of in the morning and the last thing on her mind at night.
This has been on my mind heavy and makes me wanna reach out, as I do feel like maybe I should hear out her response. So pls help me AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You absolutely did the right thing. I’ve been in an eerily similar situation before, and trust me if you let her back in, it’s going to be more heartache for you in the long run.
If she’s willing to two-time her partner now, she will have no problem doing the same thing to you later. She’s already shown you who she is, so believe her and move on.” Express_Cantaloupe_2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has relationship problems that she needs to sort out, you don’t need to be in the middle of them.
You made the healthiest choice for everyone involved.
Though if you do want to give that relationship a try that would be understandable as well. But she needs to get fully over that guy first and be in a stable place mentally.” kaffkaff_kaff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you did the right thing by blocking her. If it were true and you’re on her mind 24/7 she would have told you earlier and moved to be with you/near you… But she didn’t do it, after isolating she moved in with a 24yo guy!
She just wants to get outta a committed relationship and doesn’t care who will get destroyed in the middle.” Goddessofallnevery1
6. AITJ For Constantly Texting My Friend?
“I (20m) have been messaging my best friend of 9 years (20m) for almost a year straight and have received no response. I haven’t seen him in person in over a year but know he’s still doing fine and is still active on social media/in our town, but he has seemingly cut me out of his life entirely.
It started last summer when I noticed that his social media account was suddenly gone. This really confused me because he’d only just gotten on, to begin with, but I found out a few days later that he had just blocked me on there.
I texted him asking why he’d blocked me, but got no response. Since then I’ve sent between 2-3 texts to his phone number a week that says something along the lines of ‘what’s going on dude?’
The most conflict we’ve ever had between each other is our disagreements down political lines, but that’s never been anything more than mild arguments while playing video games.
I’ve suspected that his girl – who he started going out with a few weeks before blocking me and who is quite extreme in her own political beliefs – has made him block me and one other friend out of his life, but can’t confirm this suspicion.
I know this isn’t a super serious situation like other posts here, but we’ve been best friends for half of our lives, and I feel empty now that he’s just completely cut me out of his.
I may be the jerk because for all I know he really just doesn’t want me in his life anymore, but I mean it when I say there is genuinely nothing I can think of that led to him blocking me.
I wish I could provide more of his side of this but I literally don’t know what it is because he’s refused to talk to me for almost a year.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
2-3 text messages a week for a year is borderline psychotic!
He doesn’t want to talk to you and has probably blocked your number so it’s not doing anything to text him. Regardless of the reasons, he’s clearly made his decision. If you were worried then I’d understand texting him a couple of times, waiting a couple of weeks then texting again, but texting him repeatedly is like hitting your head against a brick wall: pointless, only hurting you, and unlikely to achieve a different result no matter the number of times you do it.
Message another one of his friends to ask if you’re that worried, and say something along the lines of how you’re confused and worried about him. I would say visit him in person, but I feel like that’s something you should have done a year ago and it’s borderline harassment if you do it now.
Maybe just accept that you won’t get closure.” stolethemorning
Another User Comments:
“We don’t always get to find out what happened. Sometimes it’s just one of those mysteries.
You need to let it go. If you’d let it go as soon as he blocked you you’d just about have forgotten it by now but instead, you’ve given yourself an entire year of stress.
He’s not even seeing the messages you’re sending. It’s a complete and utter waste of your time.
Block his number, block his socials, and stop trying to make contact. Get your head around the fact that you may never know what happened and get on with the rest of your life.
For future reference. If someone doesn’t reply to a message, send them one more. If they don’t reply to the second then stop trying.
Some people just can’t come out and say what’s wrong. They do the passive-aggressive ghosting thing instead.
It’s not cool and it’s hurtful.
It’s time for you to choose to stop being hurt.
NTJ.” SassyPieHole173
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because at this point it’s harassment. If someone has blocked you and isn’t replying to your texts that sucks but texting them 2-3 times a week for a year makes you look like a crazy person with no respect for boundaries.
If they haven’t contacted you in the last 12 months that’s a pretty big stop sign.
Let the dude go.” whereisourfarmpack
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, if your friend needed space from you they owed you at least a conversation. But since by now, it’s pretty obvious what’s going on it’s pretty obnoxious to keep texting.
Move on and if they want to reach out, it’s best you leave it up to them.” Sea-Ad3724
But I think it’s time to accept that he doesn’t want contact with you. The reason doesn’t really matter. Sometimes we never learn the reason behind something.
Cultivate new friendships.
5. AITJ For Making Other Plans On My Friend's Birthday?
“My friend’s birthday is on Saturday. She normally never wants to go out (and we haven’t been out drinking together in a few years, but we talk every day.)
Last week she sent a screenshot from a local bar into our group chat, saying ‘this would be fun!’ I replied saying ‘should we go?
It’s been so long since we’ve all been out together.’
No one replied.
A few days later, another friend invited me to a party on the same night and I said yes as I had no other plans and wanted to go.
Now my first friend is angry because she was under the impression we were going out on Saturday.
Even though there were no plans actually made.
Am I the jerk? I feel that she should have replied when I asked if anyone wanted to go – not just assumed I would keep my Saturday night free for her with no confirmation of the plans.
The other 2 friends in the group chat also didn’t reply (neither of them was under the impression we were going out either) but she’s only angry with me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s unfair that your friend blames you when you were the one who asked if the group wanted to go and no one (including her) answered. When you write she doesn’t normally want to go out, I don’t know if you mean in general, for her birthday, or both.
But it seems clear that this year she wanted to do something. Maybe she’s angry at you because she sees you as a more sensitive or intuitive friend and is disappointed you let her down. Maybe you can have lunch with her earlier in the day or do something Sunday.” General_Relative2838
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your friend wanted plans for the Saturday for her birthday, she should have indicated this and responded or called you or given some kind of indication. She didn’t. You made other plans accordingly.” Various-Bridge-325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your friend really wanted to go, she would have responded to the question you put out there with a ‘Yes, let’s definitely go!’ and not left an empty blank space… or she would have said, along with the picture ‘Let’s do this on my birthday (insert date here)’ making definitive plans, thus engaging your time.
Therefore, not your fault that you made other plans when she didn’t say a thing when you asked and she gave no answer. Her being hurt over throwing out a suggestion and not making actual plans is ridiculous.” Megami1981
4. AITJ For Sometimes Being Harsh To My Friend?
“I have a friend with autism. I’m mentioning this because it probably helps understand why I’m worried about being offensive. I love her, she’s my platonic soulmate sister essentially. I love her to pieces. But she is very sensitive and sometimes I get too overwhelmed and frustrated with her behaviors that I end up being too firm or even getting snippy.
For example, sometimes she talks at length about her special interests. I understand and enjoy it, but it becomes way too in-depth about it. She starts to repeat phrases, and it becomes grating to hear. I love that she’s excited about it and like hearing it but I end up getting frustrated sometimes.
I tell her to stop and try to be playful, and respectful. Oftentimes she ends up switching topics. But I know sometimes it’s hard to be ignored or switched like that.
Similar things happen when I try to get her to experience new foods or if she starts to get flustered about something.
I just get so fed up that I think I end up being harsh. Like, I and my friends/husbands end up saying things like: ‘stop,’ ‘don’t complain,’ ‘don’t do this then,’ or ‘just do it.’ She wants to do stuff and be involved, but she often ends up complaining about things and acting moderately childish about things… unfortunately.
I’ve been thinking about this because it is happening more frequently lately now that she’s becoming more confident and getting more friends. So I really don’t want to stop her progress or make her worried in any way and add to her stress.
But our close friend and my husband have also noticed how much these behaviors grate on us sometimes.
We end up talking about how frustrated we are. And I feel hurt because of it because I don’t want to have to put up a little wall sometimes when talking to her.
A more specific example is when our friend group wants to do something but she’s getting afraid to participate, but she really wants to be included. She ends up complaining and stressing.
We want to include her but we get frustrated that she is getting nowhere with this, that we end up telling her plainly what to do. She often continues complaining and keeping us from doing something and therefore putting us in an awkward social situation.
I don’t have any clue on how to approach it and hope that I’m not being a jerk by being firm with her.
I know often she can’t help it. But it’s getting really frustrating that she doesn’t seem to mitigate her complaining or behaving selfishly.
But is me shutting her down like that acting very coldly? I know she knows I have good intentions and that I love her, I just get frustrated. But is asking her to tone down things forcing her to mask even more… or is it reasonable?
When given time, she’s pretty good at listening and reflecting.
I really don’t know and I would appreciate any help.
Info: We actually had a long convo so that part has become better. Though I know she feels lonely and sad if I can’t listen so I feel really guilty..
and I don’t know what to do about that.
As for food, I definitely know I’m being impatient. I would love and appreciate metaphors as to how hard it is to try new foods. It’s really hard for me to understand that part (especially when I love food so much).”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’ll be honest and say I have very little experience with anyone on the spectrum. However, she’s your friend and she knows you love her. As with any other friend, I think having a gentle, honest conversation with her may help.
It’s not a secret she has autism, so it’s not like you’re trying to tell her she has terrible body odor.
You’ll need to be super calm, so fresh in the day/contact time before she’s worn you down a bit so you’re at your calmest. You tell her you love her to bits and the last thing you want to do is hurt her but sometimes you don’t know how to steer things back to other topics etc and ask HER how she would like you to approach it.
As a good, close friend I would hope that a calm discussion and an earnest desire to find a solution you’re both comfortable with should be very achievable. I think getting her input would be key because she knows what she would want to hear.” sharri70
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Look, I was with you about the special interests. Hearing about it over and over and not getting a chance to speak can be really grating. It would probably be better to just be straightforward (e.g. ‘can we talk about something else now’), but I understand that you feel pressure to adhere to social niceties.
But it’s a jerk move to make her try new foods. I feel really bad for her – why is it more important to you that she try a random new food than feel comfortable? Don’t you care about her feelings? It literally doesn’t affect you at all if she eats something different from you.
And saying ‘stop’ when she’s panicking is awful. Like wow, sensory overload and panic attacks can be cured by just telling her to stop! Why didn’t the doctors think of that?
If you want to keep being her friend, just chat to her about these problems!
Say ‘sometimes it’s tiring for me to keep listening to you talk about your special interests over and over. I do love to hear about them, but is there a best way for me to let you know when I start getting tired?’ And ‘how can I help when you start to panic?’ because being harsh has helped no one ever with panic attacks.” stolethemorning
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d like to say OP that I think you are an amazing person and friend to come to ask for advice on your treatment of your friend! To me, that shows that you are an empathetic person who values your friend and her feelings.
The fact that you are making sure your handling of situations is correct (and trying to make corrections where you may have handled them wrong), speaks volumes of your character. In my opinion, many people would be blessed to have a friend like you!” Key-Information8842
3. AITJ For Causing A Friend To Get Kicked Out Of The Group?
“This all happened nearly 3 yrs ago when my HS friend group of 6 (~18F ) decided to go on a grad trip in summer.
I transferred to a different country after my sophomore year but kept in contact with them. So C, who I texted the most often, suggested I come on the trip too. I was excited bc after moving I’ve only seen everyone ~3 times in 2 yrs and it meant a lot that they still welcomed me to go.
However, what others didn’t know was that C has talked a lot of trash to me behind everyone’s back throughout senior year. For example, cursing & judging; saying friends didn’t deserve the colleges they got into; wishing another friend A could die (THIS TO ME A HUGE RED FLAG) over a small argument, etc. I was shook, but since C was the only person in the group I text regularly, I wasn’t sure if suddenly telling the others thru chat was a good option, so I kept it to myself.
To be fair, C was a nice friend in general, but we knew she can spit out words that hurt when emotionally unstable.
Fast forward we went on the trip, everything went well until our last stop. C got into an argument with everyone else bc she wanted a single bedroom on the 1st floor of the Airbnb but S suggested (we all agreed) that we better use it as a luggage room to avoid carrying our giant suitcases up & down the stairs (There were enough beds upstairs, just no single rooms).
After a bit C reluctantly agreed to have the sofa-bed on the 2nd floor to herself while the rest of us shared the 2 bedrooms on the 3rd, but ignored us for the rest of the evening, even when we tried interacting w/ her a few times at dinner.
By the end of the day we had enough and just went to our beds to talk while C stayed on the 2nd floor, and that was when I showed everyone what C has been saying behind their back. A was deeply hurt and burst into tears when she saw that C cursed her to death while she always said they were best friends (they were the closest), and we all decided that this, on top of everything else she said, was absolutely unforgivable.
So after two more days of C barely interacting w/ us (except for basic communications like when to leave for the airport), we flew back & went no contact with her thereafter.
A mutual friend K (super close to S and C in HS, & has an intense crush on C we all knew about) came to S saying that it was a jerk move for us to exclude C merely for what she’s done on the trip.
K didn’t know about the curses which was the true reason we went NC, but to not make me look like I’ve betrayed C by showing her DM to others, S decided not to tell K the true reason (K would tell C & cause more drama).
This resulted in K and S no longer being friends.
So AITJ for showing C’s insulting & cursing texts to friends involved although they were only meant to be seen by me? Also, are we the jerk for going no contact with C without her (or K) knowing the true reason?
We didn’t want more drama & no one else from our HS knew about the details except that we somehow decided to not hang out with C anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You destroyed C’s relationship with her friends by revealing info that was said in private/confidence to you.
Not only did you betray her confidence, but you also picked a moment where C couldn’t easily leave. You were all on vacation, away from your homes, for C or any other person to leave it would be significantly inconvenient and quite possibly very expensive.
While you may feel that C was in the wrong for saying what she said if you had been a good friend you should have encouraged her to talk about her issues with her friends directly instead of venting to you. Or at the very least told her to stop talking about other people like that making it clear you didn’t want to hear it and you felt it was not OK.
Frankly, by not shutting C down you were enabling it and participating passively in it.” YanceyWoodchuck
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You need to learn to communicate when you have an issue. You should have brought tissues and sat C down and had a heart-to-heart, told her how hurtful she was being.
If that didn’t go well, you’d be justified going no-contact without another word on the matter. If it did go well, you’d still have a friend who bothered to keep in contact with you, C may have learned something about letting her bile spew, and the drama wouldn’t have spread to other people like the plague it is.
Instead, you choose to be passive-aggressive and play mind games in the name of ‘not causing drama’ which, as you can see, only caused MORE drama than if you’d just been upfront, to begin with.
This is a life lesson, ladies. C did something awful that hurt you, and you caused a huge, lengthy ordeal about it because you couldn’t have a difficult conversation.
Instead, you chose to gossip about her and refuse to tell her why you were upset, leaving her, and her other friends, to believe the issue was solely about her being bratty on a trip. Which they’re correct, is not something that warrants no-contact.” Ayaruq
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From what I’m reading, C is just saying all of this disgusting stuff behind their backs AND being entitled to have one bedroom all to themselves while you guys have to share. That really shows C’s character. The one who truly betrayed their friends is C, as they’re talking trash about your friends.
They deserve to know the truth.
What I find interesting about this story is that I had to interact with someone just like K. She didn’t want to admit that she had a crush on this guy, but she 99% did. She’d always side with him and bark at anyone that tried to address his problems. Trust me when I say, people like this aren’t worth your time, so don’t even worry about it!” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. C for trash talking you for keeping it to yourself for a year waiting for the entire trip then having a little tell-all meeting while she was upstairs unaware. If you’re going to be that person you should have said something sooner and stopped her not have let it go on for an entire year.
You also could have told them after the trip but instead, you decided to start drama near the end when you all still need to be together.” xLostandAfraidx
2. AITJ For Not Going To My Sister's Birthday Party?
“My family dynamic is a bit strange. My aunt was going through some issues in her life and wasn’t able to raise my cousins so my mom took them in and adopted them before I was born.
I grew up calling them my sisters for simplicity and I was too young to understand the full situation but anyway flash forward to last weekend. It was one of my sisters’ birthdays and I and her were never really close. We got along. Don’t get me wrong but we barely talk and if we do it’s the basic ‘how’s life’ kinda talk you have with family members you don’t see that often.
So when she invited me, I wasn’t too interested because as of late she’s been drinking repeatedly and getting absolutely hammered any chance she gets, at least that’s how it seems (like I said we aren’t that close). I will admit though I can see why she does to an extent but at the same time, I’m not interested in drinking especially to the point I’m stumbling over.
So I told her that I wasn’t interested and I had my partner over that weekend as well so I asked him too if he was interested at all and he wasn’t either so I told her that we’re sorry and that we weren’t really interested in going but I offered her the option to go out for lunch or something else instead so I wasn’t completely rude for ignoring her on her birthday.
We may not talk much but I still care about her but she wasn’t interested in that which I’ll admit at the time made me upset because I wanted to at least do something with her to make up for not going but I just got over it and moved on.
So when her birthday did come I just wished her happy birthday and that was it but today it was brought up when I was with my family and I was told that my sister was pretty upset I didn’t go to her party and that I made it seem like I was more interested in being with my partner and not her which wasn’t the case but I guess I didn’t really explain myself well enough.
At the time it didn’t seem relevant until my family pointed it out but I’m not sure how to feel. I feel bad for doing that to her but at the same time I did invite her out so I’m not sure if I am the jerk.
Edit: I should also mention that there were going to be a lot of people there and a lot of drinking and smoking and neither me nor my partner is into that kinda thing, we’re both pretty anti-social (especially my partner due to his family life and the relationship they had with drinking) so that’s why we decided to do something a little more private together instead.
I was upset because to me it felt like she was more interested in drinking than spending time together. It just wasn’t until my family said something that made me think otherwise so I just thought I’d clear that up since I don’t think I explained that part very well.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound so childish and self-centered. It wasn’t your birthday and you do not get to dictate what her plans should be on HER birthday. If you’re not interested in drinking, that’s fine, you don’t have to drink and no one would have forced you to.
The least you could have done was show up to her birthday. Instead, you told her you weren’t interested in coming over because your partner would be with you. You told her you would rather be with your partner than celebrate your birthday, she did not assume anything.
And why does she have to make special plans to hang out with you on her bday when you can’t even be bothered to show up to her party? And the audacity to say you were hurt when she didn’t want to meet you for lunch the morning of?
Not everything revolves around you. Maybe she had other plans or was busy.” Miserable_Wing_8404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she can’t understand you’re not interested in drinking with her but still want to spend time with her she’s the jerk, not you.” JustinBonka
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t have to drink, just make an appearance. You weren’t interested, you didn’t want to drink, you wanted to do lunch instead. Her birthday wasn’t about you. Sometimes you should do things that don’t interest you because it’s polite. An appearance at the beginning of the night wouldn’t have hurt you.” BushElk
1. AITJ For Accommodating My Partner Instead Of My Best Friend?
“My (22F) partner (31F) and I have been together for 9 months.
We’re long-distance (UK – Netherlands) but we’ve met a few times. My best friend who I’ll call Carl for ease of the story is also in a long-distance relationship with Dave. About 6 months ago the 4 of us were good friends, we used to play games together, hang out all the time, we would always be on voice calls, etc. This was a really fun time.
However, Dave is one of those guys that likes to just wind people up, and my partner has a really short temper when it comes to stuff like that. Even though Dave wasn’t being serious, my partner would always get irritated by him, and eventually, they started arguing all the time.
It became so bad that one time after an argument they just cut off contact with each other. And that was the end of the friendship, they haven’t spoken in about 4 months and my partner HATES him, not just because of the way he used to annoy her but also because he’s just generally a jerk and she doesn’t want to associate with him.
The problem is, we had a trip planned for September that was originally going to be me, my partner, Carl, and another friend of ours. The other friend has since pulled out of the trip and in her place, Carl has invited Dave (as well as a few other friends, which I don’t mind).
My partner is not happy. She expressed to me that she doesn’t even want to be on the same piece of land as this guy, and I tried to ask if she can let bygones be bygones for just a little while, and just be civil on the trip (she doesn’t even have to speak with him, I just don’t want to be excluded from all the group plans because she refuses to even be in the same room as him).
She denied it and essentially said that she’ll come on the trip but she won’t do any activities that he was also doing. I’m not gonna let my partner sit in the hotel room by herself on the trip, so I’d also have to be excluded from basically ALL the plans.
This essentially means we’ll be going on 2 separate trips and I won’t get to spend much time with my friends on the trip. I tried explaining to Carl that maybe this ISNT the trip he should bring Dave on, but he’s adamant about bringing him, he then called my partner childish and called me a ‘coward’ for trying to accommodate her on the trip and not just telling her to grow up and get over it.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being pulled in 2 different directions, knowing Carl will probably fall out with me over this if I don’t somehow find a way to make my partner okay with Dave coming. And knowing my partner I’ll never be able to make that happen.
I honestly feel like Carl is being a complete jerk to me about it, calling me ‘embarrassing’ and even suggesting that I shouldn’t be with my partner because she’s childish.
Am I a jerk for asking Carl not to bring Dave? Or would I be more of a jerk to try and convince my partner to go on a trip with someone she hates?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You all planned this trip without Dave being a factor. The only reason he even got considered is because another friend couldn’t. Carl had no right to just invite Dave without getting full consent from the whole group. It isn’t just Carl’s trip, and he needs to realize that Dave wasn’t originally invited for a reason.
Carl is being extremely selfish in this scenario because he knows the beef and ignored it for his own personal gain on a trip you had already planned.” CauliflowerOld2025
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you don’t stand up for your partner. Dave sounds like he’s openly a jerk.
You know he likes to rile up your partner and ruin a good time by turning it into an argument. Why are you asking your partner to just put up with that?
I really hate when the jerk of the group gets their way and everyone else has to just put up with it or risk becoming the bad guy for standing up for themselves.
Tell Carl that he’s welcome to bring Dave, but that you’ll be enjoying separate trips if that is the case, and hope to get together soon after the fact. You might also ask him why setting boundaries is childish — because in my experience it takes an incredible amount of strength and maturity.” WeakestArmadillo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner possibly is.
So much to unpack here.
First off, 31f going out with a 22f. Bit of a large age gap.
2nd, your partner is manipulating you into losing all your friends. She’s the one forcing you into a difficult situation.
She’s the one ruining your trip.
From the info given, it’s hard to know if Dave is truly some kind of a jerk, or if he and your girl just don’t get along.
But when you’re part of a group, you have to learn to at least be civil, even with people you don’t like.
And for a 31-year-old, it’s pretty much an expected skill. I certainly don’t like all of my co-workers, but I can be polite and get work done. Your partner is being a total jerk by not agreeing to any reasonable compromise.
She’s literally trying to ruin your trip and your friend’s group, by using Dave as an excuse.
I’d say ditch your partner. Do it before she manages to isolate you from the rest of your friends your age. Remember, older women can be predators too.” GanjAnime
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, except for you and Carl. Dave sounds really annoying, but I think your partner is doing too much.
By refusing to be in the same room as him she’s ostracizing you from your friends which isn’t okay to do. She knows that if she refuses to be around your best friend’s partner you’ll have to choose between friends or your partner. I’m sure if you chose to go with your friends while she sits alone in the hotel she’d be annoyed about that as well.
I’m not sure if she’s doing it on purpose or not, but look out for this becoming a pattern.” throw_away_800
