People Urge Our Conclusion On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Splitting A Tip With All My Drivers?
“I run an office for a driving school where I have 4 employees. They are the ones who typically deal with the driving while I do all of the managerial work for the office.
That said, if someone can’t be there, I always cover for them.
Last week, one of my drivers (‘Mike’) had to take some time off for medical reasons so I was out driving with the kids for a few days.
Now, where I live, it’s not uncommon for people to tip for just about any service, not just the typical waitstaff jobs where you’re basically required to tip. It’s not a super regular thing, but it does happen.
At the end of one of my driving sessions, a kid thanked me and handed me 20 dollars. My gut reaction was to tell him that I ran the office and didn’t need the tip. But then I decided that if he felt obligated to tip a worker, I would split the tip among my workers.
I gave each of them 5 dollars the next time I saw them and when Mike came back I gave him the five with a little card I’d had myself and the other drivers sign. He looked more puzzled than happy but I just wrote it off as him being worn out from a hard few days.
About an hour later, one of my other drivers, comes into my office and explains that Mike is in a terrible mood and that he won’t shut up about how I ‘stole’ ‘his tip’ and distributed it among my other drivers.
He even apparently called me a communist for doing this.
I feel obligated to point out that I pay all of my employees a living wage and they don’t live on tips. In fact, they only get tips around 20% of the time anyway so it’s just bonus pocket funds.
When I asked Mike about it, he said that since I drove one of his clients while he was unavailable through no fault of his own, that tip would have and should have been his. I tried to laugh it off but he was dead serious.
I really tried to see where he was coming from because I truly take pride in making sure my workers are treated well, but I just honestly don’t get it. So am I the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I guess other drivers feel similar and that’s why they came to you. It’s a tip. Meaning the kid decided to give it to you. He might have asked to give it to the usual driver. He might have waited for him to come back.
He decided to give it to you, so it was your decision to do with it whatever you wanted.
Maybe Mike is in some tough spot right now. You might ask and try to help but it is not your obligation.
It seems you’re a great boss anyway. Cheers.” Azot2n
Another User Comments:
“This is ridiculous. You did the work, the tip is yours to do whatever you want to do with it. I’m not saying it’s Mike’s fault he couldn’t work (because of medical reasons and all) but he is not entitled to take the reward for your time and efforts.
In my understanding, the tip was for that particular driving lesson and not for the whole learning experience in which case it should be Mike’s. You gave the kid that lesson, the money is yours.
NTJ.” fairytalelibrarian
14. AITJ For Throwing My Sister's Poster In The Trash?
“I (19nb) and my sister (22f) used to be super close. We shared a room by choice and did absolutely everything together. As we got older we drifted apart, but that’s normal. However, it came to a head when I was diagnosed with autism when I was 12.
Ever since my sister has treated me differently. She is an evangelical Christian and the week after I was diagnosed she tried to ‘pray the demons away,’ the demons being my autism.
Ever since then we haven’t been very close at all and don’t talk much, even less now that she’s moved out and gotten married. She works in childcare and is the lead educator for 3-5 at her center.
She has 3 autistic kids under her care and made a poster to try and make them feel accepted.
If you’re autistic or are an ally to autistic people, you’ll see the issue with the next bit…. The poster she made had a big blue puzzle piece on it and the text: ‘autism is not a disability, it’s a different ability.’ And on the bottom it also had scripture on it, it read: Mark 9:29 – And he said to them, ‘This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.’
As soon as she showed me I was upset and tried to explain how harmful the poster would actually be to those kids and to not use Autism Speaks as a reference when researching autism but she wouldn’t listen. She left them here at my house (I live with my parents) for safe keeping.
I was outraged that she thought the poster was something that would help these kids.
The puzzle piece is used by Autism Speaks (an autism hate group under the guise of a charity) and it means that autistic people need to be ‘solved’ and that we ‘have a missing piece’.
And disabled isn’t a bad word and shouldn’t be treated as such. There’s nothing wrong with being disabled, it’s just a fact of life for many of us. And don’t get me started on how harmful that bible verse is.
Today she found out I threw them in the trash when she came to collect them, and the garbage truck came yesterday so they’re long gone. I told her that I wasn’t going to let her cause potential harm to autistic kids when all she needs to do is support them.
It’s not hard to just do a little extra work to make the environment more accessible for autistic kids. She screamed at me and my parents refuse to get involved, which is completely understandable, we’re adults and can sort out our own conflicts.
I know I shouldn’t have destroyed her hard work but rhetoric like that is what makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us, that we’re broken. It’s just blatant ableism and I won’t let her hurt the kids she’s supposed to help.
Did I do the wrong thing? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister could have done a lot of damage with this poster. In fact, as the ‘lead educator’ of these children, their parents could have rightly complained or removed their children because of her belief in ‘praying the autism away’.
It is also entirely questionably why a person like that is allowed to be the lead educator working with autistic children if that is her core belief and she has not had training or life experience supporting autistic young people (outside of judging her autistic sibling).
As an ND ex-SEN teacher, I almost always found regardless of religious belief, that NTs never really understood fully the care and also space that autistic children require. So to add wildly inappropriate religious belief on top is INCREDIBLY DAMAGING.
And to perpetuate autism speaks and their pedagogy (and also to have no awareness of the damage they do as an educator) beggars belief!
In terms of your parents not getting involved because you’re both adults, I disagree with that.
Yes, you are both barely adults but even if you were 5-10 years older, your parents still have a responsibility to mediate especially if one daughter is screaming at their autistic late teenage child.
No matter what age you grow into, your parents are still your parents and have a responsibility to listen and help mediate this situation.” wanesandwaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You protected those kids! It’s because of people like your sister that people who have autism feel rejected or that something is wrong with them. I’m sorry your relationship with your sister turned out this way but I’m happy you stand your ground, don’t let anyone tell you ‘you have a missing piece’ or any of the nonsense.
I remember throughout my childhood, I’ve known kids and teenagers with autism and it was always a lot of fun hanging out with them, we just needed to learn their boundaries and personalities and accommodate our games to them when needed but they weren’t missing anything and their autism was never a problem.
People need to stop trying to ‘fix’ autism, they should work on accommodating the environment of people with autism, to have them feel more included in the society.” Waffles_ja
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Her mentality isn’t good, but you aren’t allowed to throw out her property, even if it represents something that is inherently bad.
Reminds me of an old Judge Judy case. A bunch of teenagers had vandalized someone’s confederate flag, and she ruled in favor of the neo-confederate because she put aside the obvious disgustingness of the flag to deal with the fact that vandalizing/trashing/throwing out someone’s belongings (even just posters) is not okay.
There are ways to deal with her awful mentality other than throwing out the posters, which does nothing to help anyone with autism and is just going to make her angrier with you.” ItsDaBunnyYT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are nice, I’d be reporting her to her superiors and not stop till she is not allowed near autistic children.
Honestly, I think she is unfit to work with children in general due to aggressive religiousness – unless it is clearly marked as such, religious stuff is none of her business, and I’d be deeply disturbed by those ‘pray for whatever quote from the bible’ stuff as a child.
Her beliefs are hers alone and should not be imposed on kids.” tatasz
13. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Want To Do Something By Myself?
“A few days ago, I was looking for things to do during a solo trip to Santa Cruz. I ended up telling my mom I was thinking about coming home that weekend. She told me she was going to cancel one of her requests off to come see me around July 8.
I asked her why and said she was going to request off July 1-3 so she could come with me to Santa Cruz.
I was really looking forward to going either by myself or with my coworker. I love going places with my mom but I feel like she’s the one who always makes the decisions on what to do even if we pay equally for it.
Sometimes she pays for all of it so I think it’s fine for her to pick the things we do but that’s not always the case.
I ended up telling her I wanted to go by myself because I don’t really get to go places alone.
I don’t live with her anymore but it seems like every time I actually wanna go somewhere on vacation or on a small trip, she wants to come. I remember one time I was going to buy plane tickets to go somewhere and she ended up having me change the plans so we could go to Seattle together.
It was fun but it was not initially my plan.
She said she just wanted to spend time with me and I told her there were plenty of opportunities to do that. I’m planning on being home that whole weekend and I told her we could always do something else, especially considering she was going to ask for the whole weekend off.
Even if she didn’t get it off, she would still have the weekend of the eighth off so either way, she would be able to see me. I told her I really wanted to do this by myself and she got really upset.
Yesterday, I had a few family members reach out to me and they said it’s totally fine if I want to do something by myself and they agreed my mom should not be inviting herself. Still, they said maybe I should have just given in because she may not have a lot of opportunities to spend time with me.
I feel bad now for telling her I wanted to go by myself, but I guess I just didn’t like the fact she invited herself. I think if you really want to do something with someone, you should ask instead of just saying you will be coming.
Also, I don’t think it was necessary for her to involve other people.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, she shouldn’t have involved other people if they are going to emotionally blackmail you on top of her doing it as well.
You are not, and shouldn’t be responsible for her feelings or entertaining her no matter how close your relationship is.
You don’t say how old you are.
Have you recently moved out of the family home or started at university?
Could your mum be dealing/struggling with empty nest syndrome?
Maybe you could suggest some ideas for her to fill her time with, where she could meet some like-minded new friends or discover a new hobby or skill?
You say that this has been happening a lot, it sounds like it might be time to invite her to dinner as your treat and have this conversation with her.
If she gets emotional or upset then in all honesty I hate to say it but I’d say gently that it’s not really fair to you that you can’t have a reasonable conversation about something that’s difficult for BOTH of you and can she please take a deep breath and try again and you’ll get through it together and then it’ll be done.
It’s not really FAIR for the mother to put the responsibility for her feelings onto the daughter, that is supposed to be the other way around for a child to be able to regulate their emotions into adulthood.
Much as I may sympathize with your mum, obviously.
I just don’t agree with children of any age being parent-ified.
I have a lot of experience with this and it has left its mark.
Nobody finds it a hundred percent easy transitioning into adulthood so… it’s a great thing for parents to do all that they can to help.
But being the adult in the relationship is a must.” mylifeisadankmeme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you want to make things easier on yourself, stop telling her your plans when they do not include her. You can tell her after you get back that you went.
You do need to know that it is fine to say no to her if she asks to go and you should feel comfortable saying it to her. She is not entitled to your time or taking over your vacations.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t rude or anything. You didn’t say you never wanted to travel with her. Just not this time – it’s your trip and she shouldn’t be inviting herself along assuming it’s okay. You both mean well, but I think she needs to learn boundaries.” unluckyducker
12. AITJ For Removing My Fiance's Friend From The Wedding?
“My fiancé and I got engaged a few months ago. We started planning the wedding straight away.
For context, my fiancé has a group of friends, around 7 people and one of them is a woman named Nancy.
There are other women too but Nancy is the one with the problem here.
So since my fiancé has a mixed group of friends, he decided that besides just groomsmen, he’ll have the women as grooms-women by his side as well.
I was perfectly fine with this although I always had my doubts about Nancy since she’s always tried to one-up me the entire time since I started seeing my fiancé. My fiancé has caught up on Nancy’s behavior but due to the fact that she’s part of his friend group, he simply tries to ignore her since cutting her off is not that easy and can create lots of drama.
For his sake I just tolerate her. My fiancé has tried to establish boundaries with her but she doesn’t listen so he just ends up ignoring her.
Lately, she was being more relaxed and friendly, and both my fiancé and I thought she finally let go of her weird possessive behavior towards my fiancé so I wasn’t against her being in the wedding party as well.
That was until on Saturday we celebrated my fiancé’s birthday and Nancy wanted to make a speech all of a sudden and she basically said she loves my fiancé and that fate separated them and she’s sad that she’s not the woman he chose instead but how she’s always going to be his ‘honorary wife’ regardless and how my fiancé’s family already treats her like their daughter in law because they adore her.
For context what she said is just an old inside joke she used to have with my fiancé way before he and I got together and after we got together he tried to put a stop to this and also tried to put his family in check about boundaries.
We thought it worked but apparently not.
My fiancé told her to sit down and gather herself because what she did was extremely foolish. She said ‘What? Can’t I speak of my opinion anymore because your little fiancée will get offended?
Why would I care, I’ve been here before her, and I’ll be here for you long after she’s gone.’ Before my fiancé could respond I told her I’ve had enough and I told her to leave our house and also that she won’t dare step a foot in the wedding.
She said I can’t kick her out because it’s also my fiancé’s wedding and he makes the call on who’s his wedding party and my fiancé sided with me and said she’s no longer welcome.
After she left some of my fiancé’s friends sided with us and said that Nancy’s behavior was horrible and she had it coming but others said that while they understand why we are upset we are taking it too far by removing her from the wedding party and how it’s mainly my fault because if I hadn’t said it my fiancé would probably not say anything.
That’s not true but the point is they believe we are jerks for removing her over this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The last paragraph is telling, that there’s a consensus around your friends that what Nancy did was horrible (which in turn certainly makes her the jerk).
At the end of the day, it is your and your fiancé’s wedding, and it is up to you who you would like to be involved in it. It would seem that you two have already found some common ground where you agree that because of the persistent comments that Nancy should not be included. Whether the rest of the friend group like it or not.
No reason why you and your partner couldn’t have a discussion about it to make sure that you are both completely on the same page. But if it was me, I wouldn’t want her to be involved.
Good luck on the rest of your wedding planning, as well.” Galzzly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t just about her behavior toward you/disrespecting your relationship, this is about what’s right for her and what’s safe for your partner.
If someone fabricates a romantic destiny with someone in their own mind that isn’t reciprocated and starts to act like it’s real (his honorary wife) you don’t just ignore it.
Her friends should be trying to stop her from humiliating herself with public declarations of love. His family, unless they have another son to offer, shouldn’t be treating her as the Dil of their hearts (if they are). Most importantly, your fiancé needs to create space between them – he can’t be her friend until that’s actually what she wants.
And if her behavior continues even when he puts clear boundaries in place, he might need to be firmer.” Cevanne46
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but honestly this is your fiancé’s fault. He didn’t want to cut contact with this woman over potential drama and now you have the drama right before your wedding.
Now your happy day is getting dragged into this because he didn’t want to mess up the friend group earlier. Maybe he’d have lost some friends, but so what? They wouldn’t have been real friends to begin with if they cut him for having boundaries.
Now you have to deal with his friends being mad at you, and they are in your wedding…he needs to squash this nonsense with them now. He needs to make it clear that you and he are a team and he will not have you disrespected like that in your own home or at your wedding.
Maybe he will need to cut the wedding party down more.” Aligirl520
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom And Her Husband Comfort Me?
“So I (15m) have been living with my mom (35f) since March and even though I love her I hate being here cause I don’t want to be around her family.
When I was eight, she had an affair and then left us and married that guy. It was ok staying with her at first but after she got married I hated going over so I’d only go on the weekends.
But after her daughter was born I just stopped going cause I hated it even more and then she really only saw me at family functions or when she’d force her weekends to make me come over. I know she wants me with her but I just don’t want to be.
I had to leave my dad in March cause he got really sick and my mom made me come with her before my dad could ask another relative. My dad’s in the hospital now and cause mom said they’re going to give him hospice care that means I have to stay here for good now.
Honestly, it’s sucked a lot living here now. The worst part isn’t even how much their baby cries, it’s how much the four of them are this actual family. Like mom and her husband are like a perfect couple and they have these cheesy traditions, family game nights, and stuff.
Thankfully I managed to avoid most of it cause of school but now it’s almost summer break.
On Sunday at family dinner, it was the worst. Like after I sat down, it turned out mom made my favorite food, and then she came and gave me a kiss on the forehead like she used to.
I don’t know why that made me shrink away but her husband noticed. Then they started talking about us going on a family vacation and her husband was like cause I’ve had a rough year they’ll go wherever I want to.
But their daughter started yelling about wanting to go to Disney and that made the baby cry again and then their daughter tried to steal part of my lasagna so I yelled at her and then I just started crying.
When mom and her husband tried to hug me I accidentally fell out of my chair to get away and yelled at them to stop it and just went to my room. I fell asleep but woke up at midnight and went to get water and saw mom crying to her husband in the kitchen about me still hating her so much so I just went back to my room.
The day after when her husband came back from work he scolded me for not letting them try to help me. He told me that it’s really hurting my mom that I won’t let her help or reach out to me no matter how much she tries and said she’s scared I’ll end up alone if I keep acting like this.
You don’t want to make anybody cry or be scared cause I know how much it sucks so was I wrong not to let them hug me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Listen, OP, your Mom isn’t perfect. She’s just a person who made a mistake.
She must not have been happy in her relationship with your Dad and didn’t think of how badly her choice to be unfaithful would affect you. She may love her new husband, but I know she must deeply regret how much you were hurt in the process.
Adults don’t know everything. They don’t always make the best choices. All she can do now is try to make it up to you by showing you how much she still loves you and wants to be a part of your life.
It’s ok to be angry at her. It’s ok to be upset and angry that your Dad is sick. It’s ok to be angry that you’re in an uncomfortable living situation. You have a right to all of your feelings.
You can love and hate someone at the same time even. And it’s ok. Therapy will help you learn to process these emotions. Your Mom’s new husband and your half-siblings may never feel like true family to you.
And that’s ok. But maybe there are some good things they can bring to your life. It’s ok to be annoyed by them. But it’s also ok to like them a little too. It isn’t a betrayal to let yourself try to relax and be comfortable at home.
It’s going to take time. It’s going to take work. It’s going to take forgiveness. But it WILL be ok, OP.” KimmyKatAlways
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her actions in being unfaithful, breaking up your family, and then forcing you to live with her new family as if nothing was wrong have hurt you badly, and she doesn’t even seem to realize how much or why.
I think you really could use some therapy to help you come to terms with your situation – NOT to make you comply with their ‘perfect family’ image. If they try to make you feel guilty about ‘making Mommy cry,’ ask her if she ever felt any guilt for all the tears she caused you and your dad with her unfaithfulness and her refusal to let you live with relatives who hadn’t traumatized you and wrecked your family.” Katja1236
10. AITJ For Finding Someone Else To Do Repairs?
“I didn’t think this was a big deal but I may be wrong.
Okay so, a trash truck hit my car (parked in front of my house but not blocking trash pickup) while trying to reverse out of the street. They got ahold of my car pretty well and thankfully our house cameras got it because they drove off.
While I was at work my dad called me that he found the trash truck and is dealing with the supervisor. We had the video and the driver admitted it so we said we wouldn’t file a police report, I just want my car fixed.
I was not happy with how long it was taking the insurance company to reach out. It had been almost a month. I told my dad to give me the info he had because I should be the point of contact anyway as it’s my car.
I got an estimate for the damages through my dad’s friend (this is important later) & the insurance said it was over their limit so now they needed to send an adjuster to look. I told them I understand they are busy but I would really appreciate better communication.
The insurance decided to cut the check for the estimate and that was done with. For some reason, they made the check out to my dad?? The car is in my name!! So, I told him to cash it and give me the money or sign the check over to me.
Yes, I was worried he’d spend it.
Now on to the drama.. I told my dad please ask your friend when he can work on my car. I knew he could be busy with other cars so I didn’t expect him to take it right away but I just wanted a time frame.
3 weeks go by and no word. At this point, I’m frustrated and embarrassed by how my car looks. I remembered an old friend of mine who worked on cars so I asked him if he had availability. He did and quoted me even cheaper.
The quote difference is about $2-$3k. Win, win right? NOPE.
I told my dad of my plans and he said his friend is ready to work on my car in a week and I need to go to him out of respect.
I told him sorry but no, I will pay for his assessment but I’m going to this other guy. Now he’s saying he’s so disappointed in me, he knew he shouldn’t have cashed the check for me, I just want to keep some of the money (I didn’t plan it that way but it worked out that way so yes I do, sue me!) and that if it wasn’t for his friend I wouldn’t even have this money, the money belongs to his friend.
I should give his friend the money and if he can save on parts, he’ll give me any money left over.
Honestly, if his friend would have just given me a time frame I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
I was fully expecting my friend to charge the same price, so it wasn’t even me trying to keep money.. I just really want my car fixed. Should I just go to my dad’s friend to keep the peace? AITJ?
I don’t know if it’s important but I pay my car note, insurance, and maintenance and have been for years.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve encountered the age-old scenario of ‘your problem is more important to you than it is to other people.’ Sure, your dad has his buddy, but his buddy wasn’t coming through until…you pulled the plug.
One thought – you pay your own insurance, but are you on your father’s plan or your own plan? If he is the policyholder then the check would go to him. Depending on how old you are it might be time to get your own insurance that is in your name as the policyholder.” kokopelleee
Another User Comments:
“First of all, unless the money comes out do your dad’s account on the insurance, they should not be giving him YOUR money.
Second, you had asked and your dad’s friend took too long. That’s not making your dad look bad, that’s making his friend’s business look bad.
NTJ, you need your car and personally, I see the extra funds as compensation for the inconvenience and possibly a tip to the person who does work on your car.” Barn_Brat
9. AITJ For Not Accepting No As An Answer?
“To be clear I love my parents and am incredibly appreciative of them.
I am incredibly lucky to have them.
Currently, I am 19f, a couple of weeks away from turning 20. My parents were fairly strict while I was in high school and our relationship improved a lot when I left and came back from school since I was able to have more freedom.
I lived at home with my parents over the summer.
My partner who is 24 and I have been together for a month now. He is older but my parents do not have an issue with it as they met when my mom was 20 and my dad was 25.
My partner recently moved into his new house and I am excited that we finally have somewhere to hang out. I have stayed over once on a weekend night but my mom recently told me that I should limit it to a weekend night and not stay over on the weekdays.
My partner is incredibly busy so my not being able to stay over on a weeknight makes it difficult for me to see him. When I told him I couldn’t stay over he said it doesn’t make sense for me to come over for a couple of hours and just head back.
I agree. He lives 30 minutes away, and that would add about an hour for me to come back and get to bed. I have to be at work by 8:30 the next day and it is 30 min away from both my house and my partner’s house.
Coming back on a weeknight keeps me from getting to sleep at a decent time, causes me to spend more on gas, and wake up my parents when my dog barks.
It is frustrating to go from having freedom to not being able to make my own decisions and this situation has also made the age gap more prevalent.
My mother’s reasoning is that she is not comfortable with me staying over and does not want me acting like I have moved in. I hardly think staying over one weeknight in addition to a weekend night is acting like I’ve moved in and her being uncomfortable sounds old-fashioned.
My mom knows I am on the pill. That does not seem to be the problem, as she has expressed as a mother she will always worry about me in that sense but that part of my life will never affect the way she sees me or her respect for me.
I should also add that I am financially dependent on them. They pay for the majority of my college and living expenses including insurance, utilities, groceries while I am at home, etc. I pay for my gas and luxuries.
I know this is nothing compared to what other people have to deal with, but I was very upset by this situation and it has turned into a huge thing.
I called her controlling and she did bring up how it could be controlling of me for her to have to designate so much money towards my school which I thought was a fair point. She has never guilted me for this, she just expects me to follow her rules while I am under her roof and while she is paying for me.
My friends agree with me saying I should have my own freedom at this point but I would like some unbiased feedback from a variety of different people. I should probably just get over myself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The cost of your parents footing all of your bills is that they get a say in your comings and goings…. They aren’t stopping you from seeing him when you want. They aren’t stopping you from calling him, texting him, or going out with him.
You just can’t spend the night twice a week and expect them to pay for the privilege. That’s the clear rules and agreements.
You’re certainly welcome to your freedom to do what you want when you want but it will cost you the exact price of your own cost of living.
You deciding to see someone five years older who is financially independent is not your parents’ fault. You not being able to financially support yourself is not your parents’ fault. You feeling like it’s not worth it to only see him for a few hours is not your parents’ fault.
Those are your choices and your feelings.
While you want to come and go as you like and that makes sense… A 30-minute travel time is not a deal-breaker and there is nothing wrong with seeing someone for a few hours on a weeknight versus spending the night… You both aren’t being unreasonable… Two nights a week with someone you met a month ago is a little intense… not gonna lie.
But whatevs you get to make your own mistakes.
This is just one of those unpleasant situations where choices have consequences. The consequence of getting to spend two overnights a week with a man you met a month ago is going to be steep.” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“I sympathize with you because I lived at home at that age and had the same disagreements with my father, but I also sympathize with your parents because I have daughters now. I lean more toward NTJ because I hope when my daughters are that age I’ll respect them enough to make their own relationship choices, and I don’t really understand your parents being ok with weekend sleepovers but not weekdays.
The best advice I can give you is if you don’t want your parents to control your decisions, become totally financially independent from your parents ASAP. Until then you’re kind of stuck.” ToxicDramaFountain
Another User Comments:
“My parents were like this too.
You’re definitely NTJ, but they really aren’t either. They’re supporting you financially and you live with them over the summer…you sort of have to abide by their rules. It sucks. My mom gave me a midnight curfew on NYE when I stayed at their house over school break at age 20.
Was I happy about it? Nope. Do I still give my mom crap about it 20 years later? Absolutely.
It’s a rough age when you are technically an adult but living as their child. Have mature and honest conversations with them, don’t damage the relationship.
They really are trying to do their best for you. It’s only a few months. It will be funny in 20 years.” incogspeedo
8. AITJ For Choosing My Ex's Son Over My Daughter?
“I (31f) have 2 sons (16m, 13m) from a previous relationship.
My ex (31m) and I started seeing each other as freshmen in high school. I got pregnant at 15 and we had another child at 18, we broke up a few months after due to needing separate life paths but we have remained on very good terms. Shortly after our breakup, I started seeing other guys, just a few months in I met my now-husband (32m).
We got pregnant with our first (11f) shortly after we started seeing each other, and we have since had 2 kids (6f and 2m).
My ex also started seeing a woman about 3 years after the breakup, and about a year after they met, he married a woman (34f), who already had a son (11m), at this time he was still a baby.
The biological father of the kid died in an accident before his son was born. They have since had 3 kids (7m, 5f, and 2f).
My 13 y/o son is on a travel hockey team, he’s been an athlete since he was little and he really enjoys what he does.
This year he and his team are going to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto, they are doing other hockey-related stuff as well, but there is also expected to be quite a bit of free time on the trip since it’s 2 weeks.
While we could afford it, the vast majority of the cost is covered by fundraisers the team did throughout the year, and his entire team will be there, the hotel rooms hold 4 guests. I’m the one taking him, I told him he could choose 2 guests to bring along.
He chose his best friend (13m) and his stepbro on his dad’s side.
None of his siblings are into sports, and his older bro is going to be at a History camp during this time. He chose his step bro despite spending most of his time at my house (my ex has him on weekends, he lives 45 minutes away).
He spends more time with his half-sister but they aren’t really close, because she isn’t exactly nice to him, she’s told me it’s because she’s jealous of her brother (good at sports, good grades, popular).
She’s in therapy and has been nicer over the past few months but my son is closer to his step bro.
My daughter is upset by this and wants to go to Toronto, all the kids have passports so that won’t be an issue, and she insists she should go because they’re ‘actual siblings.’ My husband is defending her and harping on the fact that his stepbrother got in trouble this year for bullying a boy (12m) for being gay, which we later found out was because he had a crush on him.
His stepbrother has always been quite feminine but denied he was gay, once he came out and apologized to the boy, they became friends and my ex even suspects they may be hiding a romantic relationship. My husband insists that we shouldn’t reward him for bullying but since he’s on good terms with the boy now, I don’t see the issue.
He also is going on about how my son is ‘ruining his relationship with his sister’. I, in an angry moment, told him that if our daughter was a good person, it might be different. He’s also mad at me for implying she’s a bad person, which I don’t think she is.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The son chose the step-son to come. If the step-son has already been properly punished for the bullying, I don’t see the point of holding that over his head. As parents, it’s important to give children opportunities to redeem themselves.
If your husband is going to start using that over the kid’s head, you should have a conversation with him. The daughter needs to get over it. This isn’t a family trip and she’s not even into sports anyway so what would she get out of a sports trip to Toronto?
You didn’t choose between the two children, your son did.” thesocialstem
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They don’t get along and the only reason she’s pulling the ‘actual siblings’ excuse is because she wants something out of him. Stand your ground on this because if your husband is telling you off for ‘rewarding bad behavior’, you should remind him that she’s not exactly the nicest sister in the world to her brother either.
This is gonna be a tough one but enjoy Toronto! If you’ve got some free time, check out the CN Tower and Ripley’s Aquarium, which is within walking distance to the Hockey Hall of Fame.” BlueCanuck96
Another User Comments:
“Your son is NTJ for inviting his step bro and you’re NTJ for supporting that decision, however, YTJ for talking about your daughter like that.
I know you didn’t mean what you said, but what if she heard you? She’s making the attempt to do better so acknowledge that and give credit to her present self & not her past self. If you continue to harbor these feelings based on her past behavior your daughter may revert back to being mean because that’s what you expect from her so why bother improving.” Holmes221bBSt
Another User Comments:
“‘Told him that if our daughter was a good person, it might be different.’
Ouch. There is only one way to interpret that and that is you think your daughter is a bad person. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that it came out really bad and that maybe you were thinking about ‘why would my son pick my daughter who has been so mean to him (even though she is doing better now)?’ But to say it like the way you did, that’s awful and you haven’t considered what you did and try to apologize and restate what you meant to say.
ESH, you for what you said and your husband for not thinking about how his daughter treats his stepson. The kids are being kids and I’m not going to blame them.” CharlesMuskrat
7. WIBTJ If I Hid My Money From My Mom?
“Okay so, for some context, I (16F) started my first job at a restaurant which I will not name. Since I started in the middle of their pay period, my recent paycheck only had 8 hrs on it, which means I made roughly 77 dollars.
Now, since I know my hours will carry over AND I’ve worked even more this week, I know my next paycheck is going to be very good.
The reason I got this job is mainly because my family is struggling financially and I wanted to reduce costs for myself.
I have three AP classes I have to pay for, and I have a school trip I need to get the rest of the money for. I also screwed up and somehow broke the Chromebook my school gave me, so I have to pay a $30 fine.
Which means I need to make ~ 500 dollars to pay for all these costs. The good thing is, I’m on track to make all of that! I will most likely have it all paid for with my next paycheck, and if not that one then the very next one.
Now, here’s what’s making me want to hide the money. Since we’re struggling, my mom is wanting to use the 70-something dollars to get through the next week. My mom is my family’s only source of income. Even though she makes good money, due to issues I won’t get into, we don’t see a lot of that money.
Plus, with the inflation and the rising cost of gas, we’re even worse than usual. (She’s also getting another job, so she isn’t just taking from me.)
I’ll be honest, I’m a little bit upset that she’s most likely going to have to use that money, but I understand.
I’m willing to part ways with it. What I’m more worried about is that she’s going to take my next paycheck too because she’s done something similar. Last year, she started giving me some money every time she got paid.
I would put half of it into my savings account. During that time, I never touched my savings account and was on track to have 300 dollars. However, one day without warning she took out all of the money. She explained that it was because we were struggling.
In my mind, I could understand her getting the money because I didn’t technically earn it. She was just giving it to me.
But this time, I’ve earned the money and I actually need it. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is just doing the best she can.
But I think I may break down if she takes this money. I can’t think of any possible solution to this other than hiding my money somewhere she can’t find it (she has access to my bank account because it’s a kid account and it’s online).
But I can also see how IWBTJ because it’s selfish and my family is truly struggling.
I’m just really conflicted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m thinking about where your mom is coming from. For whatever reason, the money she makes doesn’t cover all your family’s expenses.
Unless that’s somehow her fault, she’s in a position where she’s the sole breadwinner and the bread she wins isn’t enough. She’s getting a second job to keep it together, and your dad can’t work and I suspect your brother may have some expenses that are tough to handle.
If your next paycheck or two will get you over the hump, after that would you consider contributing some part of your pay to family expenses (or to cover your own costs), where you can keep the rest? It’s not fair that a 16-year-old should have to earn to keep the family afloat, but by making some contribution you might be able to get your mom to acknowledge your right to keep the other money.
If you’re saving for education out of all this, consider setting up a 529 account (the interest you earn is tax-free and it’s a lot harder to withdraw from).
I would definitely suggest talking to the bank about whether you can take your Mom off the account.
I had a bank account at 12 (made money mowing laws, etc.) and I can’t recall my parents ever being able to dip into it and it’s easy to understand where bad b***d and mistrust are going to arise if your mom is essentially stealing from you.
Good luck-you should be proud of yourself for taking on the job.” dapete2000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not your mother’s ATM. You are a minor, and it’s her role to support you, not the other way around. If she makes good money, but only uses some of it to support the family, she has no right to demand that you turn over your hard-earned wages.
Furthermore, it was awful of her to drain your bank account without discussing it with you.
You are taking some of the financial load off her shoulders by planning to pay for these school-related expenses by yourself. Most parents pay for these or contribute to them.
Speaking of these, is your father alive? He should be paying child support for you and the other minors in your family.
Hide that money and use it for school needs. You can always give her money later on if you want.” Paevatar
Another User Comments:
“I know what it’s like to grow up in a household living paycheck to paycheck. I have also given my family money. The thing is, it should never be forced. At the end of the day, it is your parents’ responsibility to take care of you because you’re a minor.
That said, if you WANT to help, I think it would be a nice gesture.
I don’t want to call your mom a jerk because it sounds like she’s doing her best and you mention she’s getting an extra job so she doesn’t have to keep taking from you.
I’ll say NTJ. I don’t think either one of you is in the wrong and you’re both just in tough situations.” Alternative_Moose_97
6. AITJ For Being Upset That People Didn't Follow The Dress Code After My Wedding?
“Ok so my (28F) wedding is coming up and I just want everything to be perfect, part of that is a very particular color scheme I want, it’s a lot of warm pastel colors. I’ve sent out color pallets and the kind of thing I would like guests to wear, but nothing is dead set, (like they must be a particular shade) I just want the dress code to follow that kind of aesthetic.
All my bridesmaids have beautiful matching dresses which I bought for them (I’m always surprised when I hear stories of American bridesmaids having to pay for expensive dresses, where I live if you want the bridesmaids to wear specific dresses, they are normally bought for them by the bride and groom).
Now the issue comes with my half-brother (26M), we have an ok relationship, but because of our relationship with our parents, we don’t really have a sibling bond. He is more like a family friend to me that I’m kind of inviting because we do get on but also because I feel obligated to invite him.
My wedding is child friendly and he’s bringing his little boy (7M). Now, something I forgot to mention in my invitation is that I didn’t want anyone to wear purple/lilac as that was what the wedding party was wearing.
Most people were ok with this but my half-brother called me up and asked if an exception could be made for his son since he already picked out an outfit which was lilac, I told him no, and he said ok.
The wedding came and went and it was wonderful, everything looked perfect. It wasn’t a destination wedding but a lot of family and friends stayed in the area for a few extra days. My half-brother and his son stayed with my parents and during their stay I found out they have a ‘father/son tradition’ which I thought was weird, they would dress up super formal and fancy and just go to regular places, normally to eat and he did this while he was here.
They were planning to go out for ice cream. I assumed they were gonna wear their wedding clothes because it would have been stupid to pack formal clothes just for this. But when I saw them getting ready to go my half-brother and his son were in these matching lilac dresses (both wore suits for the wedding thankfully).
I asked him why they were wearing them and he told me that his son was sad at not getting to wear his lilac outfit, so to get him to put on the pastel green suit he wore for my wedding he agreed to match with him and go out and get ice cream or something after the wedding, so they were getting ice cream.
I got upset and told him that I said no lilac, he said that he knows and that the wedding was over, no matter how I explained it he just didn’t understand that he was undermining me and what I asked of him.
He said he was just leaving bc he didn’t want to be out too late, I said just don’t take any pictures and he got visibly upset as he left. I’m now thinking that maybe I was being a bit rude and could have explained easier, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – no normal person would ever assume that ‘no-lilac’ would extend past the actual wedding and reception. Ok maybe if you had an ‘after the wedding brunch’ the next day but THAT too should have the dress code explained because, again, no normal person thinks a dress code for a wedding extends past the wedding.
Your half-brother had already got his son the lilac outfit that the little boy loved, he was respectful to you and got him another pastel outfit for the wedding, his ‘we’ll wear this later’ was a perfect way to get a 7-year-old to cooperate.
They were headed out to have ice cream in wonderfully fancy outfits, in a lovely vacation location, WITHOUT YOU.
NO this is not even an issue of you needing to explain it better, this is simply the fact that you don’t get to dictate what they wear or if they take pictures on their own time.
Did you run up to other tourists in town and smack the cameras out of their hands if they were wearing lilac?” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While you are not TJ for having a dress code, the actual situation has nothing to do with that.
Sometime after your wedding, some people wore lilac to an event (shopping) that had nothing to do with your wedding. You weren’t even involved.
YTJ for getting upset with them about that. You don’t get to say that no one is ever again allowed to wear lilac just because you had it as a bridal party color.
No, they weren’t ‘undermining’ you, and you don’t get to tell people not to take pictures (unrelated to your wedding!) at other events or while they are on holiday, so YTJ for that as well.
Even if they are wearing lilac.
I don’t think it would matter how you tried to explain it, OP. YTJ.” RevKyriel
Another User Comments:
“Imagine that your employer expected you to wear business attire after you’d clocked out for the week. Would you think it was reasonable if they told you that you couldn’t wear distressed jeans and a low-cut top to the bar for Friday evening dinner/drinks with your friends because it was a work day?
Or would you resent their efforts to dictate your attire on your own time?
It’s similarly unreasonable to expect to have a say in your wedding guests’ attire after they leave the event. Your brother and nephew wore an appropriate color when they were at the wedding; their sartorial choices afterward are not subject to your wedding dress code.
Wearing your bridal party’s color for an unrelated activity broke no wedding etiquette of which I am aware.
YTJ.” heavy_metal_meowmeow
5. AITJ For Wanting To Report My Son's Therapist?
“My ex-husband (35M) and I (33F) got separated 7 months ago. We have shared custody of our 14-year-old son.
My son struggled to accept the separation and adapt to the new normal. I put him in therapy suggested by my BIL (his dad’s brother and favorite uncle).
I noticed my ex-husband has been coming over a lot to yell at me and start fights about our son.
Saying stuff like how our son should live with him full time. At first, I had no idea what his problem was until my son told me that he’s suspecting his therapist to be giving my ex-husband information about the sessions because my ex-husband brought up many things my son talked about in therapy but ex-husband was trying to deflect blame.
I did some digging and my son’s suspicion’s been confirmed. I felt so incredibly violated on his behalf. I went to confront his therapist and he denied then said that my ex-husband came to him with ‘concerns’ and basically wanted to know about what my son says in those sessions out of concern.
I had a big argument with him and told him that I’ll be reporting him for betraying my son’s trust and violating him like that even if this information was going to his dad aka ‘family’, to me that is still wrong.
Apparently, he (therapist) told my ex-husband about me reporting him and my ex-husband didn’t say anything nor come over to fight with me, however, he must’ve told BIL because BIL visited and told me that I overreacted and that if I report my son’s therapist then I’ll cause more damage because my son ‘got used to this one’.
When I pointed out how my ex-husband could’ve gathered and twisted information to screw me over in custody, he told me then I was doing this for my own ‘selfish reasons’ and to cover my own behind. He said that I clearly don’t have my son’s best interest at heart to think that’s okay.
I got mad and told him to leave after he tried to talk my son into stopping me from reporting his (buddy) therapist. But I yelled at him that clearly he, my ex-husband, and his buddy therapist were in on this together.
He got offended and called me delusional and walked out. The family is telling me to let it go and just find another therapist instead of reporting, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been to multiple therapists and every first session they state that nothing will be said to anyone outside of the room including family unless there is cause for concern regarding your health.
Like you said serious matters that affect your health or well-being or on the off chance, a family member may be mistreating you should be brought up to their higher up and then the police or whoever else. Never the family unless it’s related to those things then they may go to both parents or guardians (or one if you disclose you want only one to know which OP’s son clearly has never done as even he himself worries about what’s being said to his dad).
If they were to go do it and breach that trust and patient confidentiality they very well could be fired and lose their licenses if found out.
(I was told this by my last therapist before he retired but it may not be the same in every place I’m not too sure).
Definitely NTJ, I’d report them and get ready for a battle with your son’s father and uncle and the therapist so make sure you get a lawyer just in case they are all as close as they seem to be.
The therapist may change facts to be in favor of dad so make sure you talk to your son about everything.
Also, ask your son if he wants a new therapist that no one in the family knows and if/when you find one make sure they know they are not to talk to dad about anything and about the worries your son may have due to the last therapist telling his dad things without consent.
At the end of the day it’s for your son op so ask what he wants to do and if he’s comfortable with what has happened and how he feels about what his dad and uncle and therapist have done and how he wants to deal with it or how he wants you to help him deal with it
But good luck and definitely report the therapist and talk to a lawyer about what dad and uncle have done because it sounds like there may be a plan going on with them to try and get full custody.” theblackwolf6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP, as what that therapist did was textbook breach of patient confidentiality. It was not only highly unethical on the part of the therapist, but it also completely shattered whatever trust your son had with his therapist. Moving forward, even if your son is able to get a new therapist he’s going to be far more apprehensive and hesitant to open up because of what his current therapist has done.
It looks far worse for the therapist that breached your son’s trust because anybody with half a brain could’ve come to the conclusion that the Dad’s statement of him having ‘concerns’ about his son without going into details about what those concerns were was just a nonsense vague excuse to phish for information about his son’s sessions with the therapist.
The therapist should’ve anticipated that and shut it down immediately, but was supposedly too gullible to anticipate that classic parenting phishing technique. It’s either that or like you have been suspecting OP, that this therapist is colluding with either your son’s dad or his uncle.
It doesn’t matter which two it is because either one severely calls into question the therapist’s ethics and ability to foster a safe environment for his patients. You need to report that therapist ASAP and find your son a new one if you haven’t already.
You also need to have a sit down with your son when you do find a new therapist and let the therapist know what happened so they can emphasize to your son what the previous therapist did was wrong and why it won’t happen with them.
You also should make sure that your husband does not know who this new therapist is because it’s a surefire guarantee he’ll try the same bull crap ploy with them that he did with the previous therapist.” desolation29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the solution is simple enough. Talk to your kid. 14 is old enough for the son to figure out if he is or is not comfortable with the current therapist, if he would be open, or even want to switch.
Explain HIPA and confidentiality. Explain the minimum and maximum consequences for reporting along with the consequences for not reporting. Ask him how he feels about the incident.
Also, give a breakdown of the conversation with BIL, try to be neutral and fair to your side along with his.
Make a joint decision on reporting, therapy, and contact with BIL. When I was 14 some very difficult choices had to be made about my life. And I was involved with the decision process. While I had no control over the original situation, I was in control of the final outcome, which made me feel less like a victim and more like a person with agency.
I also remember family members trying to tell me I was some sort of victim, mostly because they assumed I was just passive throughout it all, and I wound up correcting the family on my own accord once I realized how they viewed the situation.
If you make any choice against the therapist without your son being aware of and involved in it, his dad and uncle and everyone else will frame it as something you did against your own son.
Additionally, invest in a session with a lawyer, you need to know if you need to proactively inform CPS of the incident or if just reporting to the lawyer would cover you enough, or if there are ANY other potential hurdles regarding custody you might not be seeing at the moment.
If you can afford it, invest the money to cover your bases there.
Finally, also talk to your son about how he feels about the fights and the entire drama apart from the violation by the therapist. Ask him if there is anything you are doing that is making him struggle.
Be proactive but also ready to hear potential hard truths. You could not give your kid any better parenting there.
Okay, one other thought. IF your son expresses to no longer want to see the current therapist but also to no longer trust any therapist – intervene.
Sit him down, maybe read reviews on alternative candidates, tell him what legal routes could be taken to avoid a repeat, such as not disclosing the therapist’s name (provided that lack of disclosure is legal), offer to share sessions, and to allow for trial sessions.
Buy him a diary with a key. Do not let him not get help. However, if your son really winds up having that type of trauma… also get it legally documented as BIL, therapist and DAD are directly to blame for that.
By the way… in agreement with your son, maybe invest in home cameras with audio… if your ex tends to repeatedly show up and yell at you… that is something you might want to be documented, but also check to what extent that is legal.” GrassTerrible5262
Another User Comments:
“I’m saying soft YTJ only because of how informed consent works and how having a minor in therapy works, at least in my state. So I’m not sure what state you are in but in Ohio, if you both have custody then either parent can ask the therapist about the session and get information.
They should have gone over it with you in the informed consent portion at the first visit how information your minor son tells the therapist is privileged between the son and therapist BUT the therapist has to tell the parents if the parents ask.
It won’t matter if you change therapists. If you both have custody both of you are legally allowed to get info from the therapist. Again, that’s just how it works in my state. I’d check yours before reporting to see if he did anything wrong and again if it’s the same as Ohio changing therapists won’t do anything if dad continues to ask as he’d have that legal right.” Creative_Mama92
4. AITJ For Declining Tickets To A Sporting Event?
“My husband is a big sports fan. He wanted to be a sports writer, he even worked for his college newspaper as a sports editor for 3 years. But he graduated in 2008 when the newspaper industry tanked and couldn’t find a job.
He tried writing online, but he only did it in his spare time as he found a full-time job in another industry. Eventually, he spent less and less time doing it and he just focused on a career doing something else.
He still follows our local teams pretty closely and watches games on TV pretty often. But he doesn’t attend games much anymore as we have a 3-year-old son, a house, expenses, responsibilities, etc. I’m sure he will want to take our son to games in the next year or 2 once his attention span allows him to sit for more of the game.
A couple of days ago a friend of mine called and asked me if my husband and I wanted to join her and her husband at a baseball game the next day. Her husband’s company has season tickets right behind home plate in a club section.
Free food, free drinks, 4th row behind home plate. It sounded amazing but was short notice. I have also been working long hours the past couple of weeks and I am exhausted. I also feel really guilty that I haven’t been home to spend time with my son much lately.
Like, sick to my stomach guilty.
So, I declined the invitation. That night when I got home, my husband was already putting our son to bed. I was just happy I got to read him a book and tuck him in for the first time in what felt like forever.
After I put my son to bed I mentioned the tickets to my husband. Before I could even finish the sentence he said ‘Let’s go. I’ll call a sitter right now.’ I had to tell him that I already declined the invite because I am so exhausted and I don’t want another night away from our son right now.
I told him how guilty I feel and that I just need some time at home with my family.
He got upset with me for not even asking him about it before turning it down. He said he’s been taking care of everything at home, in addition to work, while I’ve been working long hours and that we both deserve a break for ourselves.
He said sitting behind home plate has always been a dream of his. I told him I can ask my friend about maybe next time or maybe we could buy seats like that for ourselves.
He pulled out his phone and looked up how much those seats cost and they were $750 per seat.
He said there’s no way we would spend that much on a single game and this was the kind of experience he’s always wanted. He said I should have at least asked him about it first. I told him he is being selfish by putting his own wants for fun above my need for family time and relaxation.
He said he would have preferred that I didn’t even tell him about it at all. That way he could at least live in ignorance about how close he got to live one of his dreams. I told him to stop being so dramatic, it’s just a baseball game.
He’s pretty much ignored me since unless it’s to talk about our son.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Dreams are dreams. And I’m sure if you had an opportunity to fulfill your dream, you would jump at the chance to do it.
Also, you lack communication and working together. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your son and resting. It sounds like you need it! I would have said no to my half of the tickets (if that is an option) and spent quality time with the son.
Let your husband go and have his dream fulfilled. And if declining just your ticket wasn’t an option, you could have spoken to him prior to declining. To either find a sitter for just one more weekend or for him to understand your side.
Which is where communication really is needed. I would sit down and apologize and let him know you weren’t thinking about that side. You’re tired and burned out. But another game will happen and more chances will come around.
Life throws crazy curve balls. Best of luck.” CompetitiveSea513
Another User Comments:
“While many here have said YTJ, I won’t. However, I will not say you’re NTJ, either. I get being tired. I get feeling like you’ve been run ragged each day and that sometimes you just feel the need to sit with no noise whatsoever.
I also get the feeling of guilt when you don’t think that you’ve spent enough time with family. The issue is that outside of what your husband may have wanted, you should still look for opportunities to share experiences and build your relationships.
Depending on the stadium, a three-year-old can attend without a ticket as long as they sit on your lap. This could have gotten your husband to the game while you had time with your child. Also, don’t forget that if you feel like you’re missing out on the relationship with your child, you may also be neglecting the relationship with your husband.
Getting a sitter so you two could spend time together is necessary, too. In the end, your memories will not hold onto that one time you stayed home with your family, but they will hold on to that one time you went to a baseball game, sat behind home plate, and your child fell asleep in your arms.” Comprehensive_Line24
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and this lovely man needs to divorce you right now. You perfectly illustrate his passion for sports editing and sports in general. You clearly understand he had to let go of his passion to keep his life going with the change in the economy.
And you didn’t even bother to shoot him a text to ask when you know how close they were to the home plate? Just because you’re ‘exhausted.’
No. You knew he’d want to go and YOU did not so you decided for the both of you.
I know narcissistic traits when I see them. You can’t even look past your own needs when it’s something SO IMPORTANT TO HIM. I can’t imagine what else you put him through because of your ‘long hours’ when he’s working and taking care of the home.
Hubby if you’re reading this please let her go.” areyouslimeenough
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend wanted you to go and gave your husband a plus one. There was never a possibility of him going without you. It would have been rude to suggest she give him a ticket while you stay home.
You were in no way up for going. So that’s it. You were never offered a free ticket just for him that you denied. You could message her and thank her again for the very kind offer. Mention your husband would have dearly loved to go and you would sincerely appreciate it if she could keep you in mind for any future games.” CatelinaBaylorfan
3. AITJ For Taking Time For Myself During My Son's Visit?
“I am recently divorced and while waiting for the housing market to cool down, my sister and I are splitting a rental home. I’m 50 – she’s 46. This week, my 19-year-old son has come up to visit me, and when I say come up to visit me, I mean that I drove to his house, picked him up, and brought him back to mine (520 miles, round trip at $4/gallon).
Tomorrow, I will be repeating this round trip to take him home.
During this week, we have spent nearly every waking hour together. His obsession is fly fishing, and I have driven him all over the northern part of our state and have spent hours standing in trout streams because he loves to fish.
I injured my back a couple of weeks ago, and this has been excruciating for me, but I did it four days in a row because I know it’s what he loves.
I have paid for all the fuel for these excursions.
I have paid for all his meals. I have paid for all of his supplies.
Yesterday, I told him that my partner would be coming to see me after work at 3 pm, and asked if he wouldn’t mind taking my truck and going to the outfitters or the Orvis store to give me and her some alone time for an hour or so.
He had no objection.
At some point, he texted my sister and mentioned this plan to her. She immediately texted me and said: ‘Why did you ask him to leave when she gets there? He’s only here maybe twice a year.
What can’t wait a few more days?’
Keep in mind that earlier the same day, she asked me to make sure he was out of the house so that she could have alone time with HER partner, which I happily obliged.
My response to her was that after everything I’ve done for him during this trip — with the sacrifices I’ve made with finances, time, and my own personal comfort, I didn’t think that asking him for an hour or two of time for myself was an extraordinary request, especially since he didn’t seem to mind, and also since I was offering him my truck and the freedom to go out and explore, on his own, for the first time this week.
I expressed my displeasure to my sister concerning the intrusiveness of the questions, the judgment that was contained in the questions, and the accusations that came along with them. Her response was that she was ‘just asking a question and trying to help’ and was not being judgmental, at all.
I told my sister that her approach was inappropriate and that I would be taking the time with my partner despite her objections, which I did. She now thinks I’m a selfish jerk.
Am I the jerk for taking the hour or so to spend some alone time with my partner during my adult son’s visit?
I’m fully prepared to embrace the possibility that I’m the jerk, in this situation, but for the life of me, I can’t see how.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A week straight is a long time to not have an hour aside from sleeping to yourself.
This was a small and understandable request. When my husband’s parents were still living and we would visit them for several days at a time, we always would take a couple of hours at some point just to take off and drive around or go somewhere by ourselves just for our sanity.
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone or the frequency of visits, a week straight is a lot to be together basically 24/7 unless you’re married to the person, and even then a lot of times people need breaks. I’d ignore your sister and not worry about this.
Your son seems fine with it, and if not one day he will understand.” Youcannotbeforreal2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, we live out of state from family and love going to see them, but being attached at the hip for a full week would drive me batty.
His needs are well met, you’ve spent lots of time together showing he’s a priority to you, and it sounds like he’s had a great time. A few hours apart sounds awesome for both of you.” G******************8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Someone takes time out of their schedule to come visit you and you randomly kick them out? Can’t you just spend alone time with your partner when he leaves? I would never ask a guest to leave my house so I could be alone with my husband.” Edbtdb
And guess what, I definitely kick people out of my house so I can have alone time with my husband. Heck, I've kicked people out because I was tired of their company.
2. AITJ For Telling My Niece I Wouldn't Pay For Her?
“I’m a 44F. My sister died after giving birth, leaving 3 kids, BJ, Gracie, and Jack-Jack. I have two kids of my own.
I became their legal guardian. Their paternal grandparents and my parents were my biggest supporters and my biggest curse in them being defiant against my wishes.
My sister left me executor of her will, which includes an inheritance for the kids.
Gracie was only nine when she passed and struggled the most with her death. We did therapy. I come from a stern and firm military household, but it seems once my parents became grandparents that stern and firmness went out the window.
She was getting in trouble for things like ‘bad disagreements with other people at school’, bad-mouthing her siblings especially the youngest (told him he’s the reason their mother is dead more than once), skipping class, etc. Things they felt didn’t require a consequence but a talk.
Sorry, I’m not about ‘repeating’ myself.
They didn’t agree with me punishing her. They would often disregard her punishment once she was with them, which more than not equated to them calling me because she was being disobedient.
Anyhow once they fell in line, so did she.
When she turned eighteen she received the first part of her inheritance which she handled very well. It was when she moved out at twenty that the bad behavior started again.
Her paternal grandparents passed a year apart. Gracie’s now 21 and still on the wrong path. She moved back home this year because she ‘ran’ out of money. Her grandparents left her and BJ money. Her aunt called to inform me they were each getting a big chunk of money and was worried about how Gracie will manage it.
Her father ‘shows’ up six months before she’s set to receive her inheritance. (She and BJ are products of an extramarital affair he had on his wife. His wife nor his family nor my sister knew about one another until my sister filed for child support.
It was a big mess.) Anyhow, I can count on my hand on how many times he’s seen them since they’ve been little. He only calls sporadically. BJ cut him out of his life, a long time ago.
Gracie longs for a relationship with him and he plays on it. I told her he was only around because of the inheritance, and I wanted her to be careful. She gets upset and tells me to stay out of her life, that she’s grown.
She gets her money and runs through it. I heard her crying to her friend about how she helped her father and hadn’t heard from him since. She comes to me the following day talking about getting her life on track and wanting to go to college.
Part of her money she was going to take and go to college. Didn’t happen. She asks me to pay for school. I asked what happened to her ‘money’, then she frowns and responds, ‘I don’t have much left and I helped my father, now he’s dodging me, are you happy now?
Is that what you wanted to hear?’ I told her unfortunately no I didn’t want to hear that, but I’m sorry I’m not paying. You’re grown. She hasn’t spoken to me in weeks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Seems like she wasn’t taught that actions have consequences (not due to your parenting – it sounds like you tried your best). If her younger brother (by what, 9 years?) can see that the dad is a deadbeat, what is her excuse?
She has had 2 inheritances. It is obvious she can’t handle her money responsibly. And if you give the money, it will only teach her that you will always bail her out. If I’m not mistaken, you’re American, and university is especially expensive.
You also deserve some money to treat yourself. She had her chance, she blew it. She must use this as a learning experience. Her giving you the silent treatment also shows her immaturity.
There is a saying in my language (I’ll translate); If you won’t listen, you must feel.
She didn’t listen to the warnings now she feels the consequences of her actions.” DystopianTruth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s an adult, she made her bed, and now she gets to sleep in it.
With that said I do feel for her.
I also note that most people who get lump sums of funds end up blowing through it. (99% of lottery winners spend it all in the first few years; same with most pro athletes, etc…) so she just fell into that trap.
With that said, if you ever do want to help her out and send her to school (you don’t have an obligation, but I can tell you want what’s best for her) do a joint bank account so you can see how it gets spent.
If she asks for $600 for textbooks you better see a charge to the university bookstore for $600. Then also, all big bills like tuition, meal plans, etc; pay for directly. She does not get access to those sums of money herself, just the resources it purchased.
If nothing else, send her to community college, have her live at home, and set up a monthly budget she has to stay within. Also make her take a personal finance class, even if it’s not required for her degree; heck, make her take a finance class once a year to drill good money management into her while she’s going to school.
That would be a life lesson she will appreciate forever.” guntonom
Another User Comments:
“OK, I am going to say YTJ.
It seems like you have been a strict disciplinarian with the kids, which I don’t necessarily have an issue with; after all, you did your due diligence in arranging therapy and setting up boundaries.
It looks like you and Gracie are two very different people, and unfortunately, taking the attitude of expecting to tell a child something ONCE and then icing them out if they don’t listen sounds awfully hard, especially for someone struggling.
You are within bounds to refuse payment, but leaving it at that place is messed up. Maybe you had too many mouths to care for, but as a parent & guardian, why couldn’t you hold Gracie’s hand and help her explore all of the pathways to college such as scholarships, work-study, etc.?
You were snippy, dismissive, and very clearly signaled it is her issue.
People mess up, but I don’t think that is carte blanche to throw them in the garbage. The poor girl is obviously starving to have real parental love in her life, and unrelenting support.
Her mom abandoned her by death, her dad is a user, and now you say figure it out.
Come on now.” Apatheticforcredit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – At face value, your story sounds sympathetic, but reading between the lines and getting only your side of the story I think there are some serious problems here on your end.
You seem to be a bit hard and uncompromising. I agree kids need to learn from their mistakes, but you seem to take it a step further and make things all about punishment.
The girl is still a girl – she’s in her early 20s.
I remember when I was around that girl’s age and my grandmother died. I ended up failing a year in college and had a really hard time emotionally, even with support from my parents. Holy crap, she’s been dealt a horrible set of cards.
Not only did the people she’s closest with just die (her grandparents), but her father figure just crapped all over her and her mother died at a young age (which she needed therapy to deal with). You’re just adding to the pile here and it’s not cool.
I understand your point of view, and I kind of get it, but I don’t think you understand your adopted daughter’s point of view. If it were me, I’d sit her down and say you want to come to a compromise.
Maybe talk to her about how she’s feeling and get to the heart of the matter. There is so much to unpack here and I feel like you’re only looking at the fact that she wasted money, which is honestly only the surface of the primary issues going on.
I truly believe this girl is hurting a ton, and the fact that she’s done as well as she has is telling. I feel incredibly sorry for her, and I’m not saying she’s not at fault for what happened, but I do think she’s having a really hard time with no support structure.
You could give her that, if you stop worrying about punishing her for mistakes and start focusing on the emotional trauma she’s faced. At this time you are pretty much her only constant in life, and you just told her to screw off.
I can only imagine the pain and hurt that girl is feeling. If you don’t work to fix things with this girl, try to meet her halfway and support her, then YTJ 100%.
And this isn’t about the money – in fact, I recommend you don’t give her anything.
It’s about being there emotionally, giving support, and being a rock for this girl who has lost so much. Maybe help her get into a community college so she can start to explore learning, help her with student loans (without signing on them), etc. So, make her a deal with the funds so you aren’t hurting yourself in case she screws up, but be there emotionally so she knows she has someone to turn to.
That’s my take.” jokodude
You never told her "I told you so" when her dad ledt her & the caution you did giver her was done respectfully. She's definitely overreacting & is running from her own mistake.
1. AITJ For Not Leaving A Tip At A Fancy Restaurant?
“I (F20) come from an immigrant family where my dad (M57) almost never prioritized himself and always tried to provide the best for us. He recently got a promotion at his work and upon hearing that I was really proud of him and wanted to celebrate.
He told me the news while he was picking me up from a tournament. I insisted on treating him to a fancy restaurant for dinner. He didn’t want it since he always advises me to save my money but upon my constant insistence, he agreed shyly.
I was already dressed up all formally since I had just come out of an event and my dad was wearing something of a business casual. Since we didn’t make a reservation prior to our arrival we had to wait a couple of minutes before we were given a table.
I noticed our waitress kept side-eyeing us from the beginning. Whenever she would come to our table to ask or give anything she would only talk to me and look at me. She was not even acknowledging my dad’s presence.
Now my dad is not a native English speaker but that doesn’t mean he cannot communicate at a restaurant about basic stuff. Even when my dad called our waitress for a drink refill, she looked at me and asked in an annoyed tone ‘does your partner need anything?’ I felt so angry and awkward so I told her ‘that’s my biological father and why don’t you ask HIM what he needs since he called you.’ She didn’t even say sorry once for straight-up assuming our relationship.
I had no idea why we were being treated so poorly throughout our dinner whereas I clearly saw other waitresses being so welcoming and helpful towards other people. I felt so bad for my dad cause he was also feeling weird and awkward.
I tried to lighten his mood with conversations. So when we were done and it was time to pay the bills I didn’t leave a single dollar tip for the waitress. I usually leave a good amount of tip when I go out to eat but she was disrespectful and unwelcoming throughout our stay so I didn’t feel like she deserved it.
When I was telling my friend this morning about the incident she said that it was a jerk thing to do on my part. She said maybe the woman was having a rough day and that I shouldn’t have been so petty and cut off her tips.
I might still be unfamiliar with American culture but from what I know you have to earn your tips with good service which she clearly hadn’t done. so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Her behavior towards you and your dad doesn’t sound like the result of a bad day.
I used to be a server at a somewhat expensive restaurant. In my opinion, the most important part of the job is forming a relationship with your tables and making the experience comfortable/enjoyable. There is no excuse for failing to do that unless you or your dad were being difficult or something.
I would interact with tables that weren’t exactly ‘my type’ of people but you have to******* up and act along because that’s the job. Her having a bad day can excuse stuff like forgetting to ring in an appetizer, dropping a cup, being less patient with a rude customer, etc. But you and your dad did nothing wrong to trigger her in any way and the blame clearly falls to her.
If I had to guess why she was acting like that, I would say that she saw you guys and assumed that you two 1) wouldn’t be big spenders due to your dad’s outfit (less money spent = smaller percentage tip) and/or 2) wouldn’t tip at all because non-Americans have a tendency to not leave a tip due to cultural differences.
I used to work with a woman who would get angry if a table sat in her section and they were foreign. She would complain to our manager, try to get another server to switch with her, anything to get out of serving a ‘no tip’ table.
Yes sometimes these tables don’t tip, but it isn’t a guarantee. Servers in my experience have a tendency to put less effort into tables that are predicted to return a small tip, and it sounds like that’s exactly what she was doing.
I would definitely suggest that you call the restaurant and ask to speak to a manager. There’s no shame at all in pointing out that an employee treated you like garbage. A manager’s job is to make the restaurant look good and that server has now given the restaurant a bad image.
You might even get a free/discounted meal or something as an apology from the manager. I’m really sorry that this happened to you guys, especially on a night that was meant to be so special!” Puzzleheaded-Tie3199
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Seriously growing up this was why I always made sure I said DAD clearly around waitresses and people in stores when out with my dad. People go straight to the conclusion something creepy is going on and forget we have fathers.
It’s super awkward. I had a lady look concerned in a department store who was clearly keeping an eye on us once when we were picking up stuff in my teens. After that, I started being like ‘what are you getting DAD’ at restaurants, etc. I also had a number of friends/acquaintances deal with this assumption in their teens through their twenties.
When my friend was in their early/mid-twenties she was at a bar with her dad. Usually, it was a family weekly outing but her mom was out of town that week. A lady approached them and told her they were a cute couple.
Is it possible for an older man to be with a younger woman, yes. But seriously people need to stop assuming until it’s clear one way or the other.” RevolutionaryPin6091
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and also server here.
Granted we all have off days, but it sounds like the problem wasn’t that she was too busy with other tables, she was intentionally being rude.
Even when I’m slammed and running around like crazy, I still try to smile at and acknowledge all my guests equally and apologize when I forget something.
Sounds like working at a fancy restaurant has given her an attitude of entitlement, and I would probably reach out to the restaurant privately (i.e. not on social media/blasting them with a bad review) to describe your experience.” Aim-Rich
“ESH, unfortunately.
Yes, even in this situation you should still tip. You should definitely under-tip the server drastically but then talk to the manager before you leave.
Not leaving a tip is at best passive-aggressive and leaves this whole thing unaddressed. You walk away with a terrible experience and nobody really knows about it except for you and the server.
If you talk to the manager they can then talk to the server to hopefully stop this from happening again in the future to someone else.” Red_Vinyl_Kitty
